Tagged Teens

Talking About Tzniyus

 

Tzniyus is one of the primary themes in the chinuch of our daughters.  While there are inspiring explanations for this fundamental mitzvah, this post focuses on providing parents with practical tips to help their daughters develop tzniyus as an internal value.  We do not advocate any specific halachic approach to tzniyus observance.  However, our premise is that parents want to raise self-confident daughters who choose their look based on spiritual values as well as fashion and style.

We would like to thank the parents, Mechanchim, and Mechanchos who contributed to this article.  Special thanks to the talmidos and alumnae of our local Yeshivos for their help in reviewing and editing.

Some Challenges of Tzniyus

  • Peer Pressure: Girls face enormous pressure to conform to the norms of their social group.
  • External Influences:  The styles prevalent in general society permeate our community despite our efforts to live an insular lifestyle.
  • Difficulty Finding Appropriate Clothes:  Much of the clothing available in stores or catalogs is not tzniyusdik.
  • Strong Sense of Style:  Some girls see clothing as their creative outlet and do not want to be constrained by rules.
  • Carelessness:  Maintaining tzniyus entails attention to details to make sure that clothing conforms to the standards, continues to fit in a tzniyusdik manner amid growth spurts and is worn correctly.

The Mother’s Role

A daughter’s adherence to tzniyus often reflects that of her mother.  Mothers may consider the following tips:

Decide Your Values

In order to transmit something as complex as tzniyus, mothers must be clear about their own tzniyus practices and beliefs.  This may involve research: reading books, listening to lectures, or speaking to mentors to decide which standard to practice and to choose for the children.

Parents should try to find a Yeshiva with a hashkafa that is compatible with their own.  Once parents choose which Yeshiva and which chinuch they want for their children, the family is best off if they align themselves with the Yeshiva’s approach even if the standard may be higher than what they are currently practicing.  Parents should try to dress in accordance with the school’s rules, especially when they visit the school.

Be consistent

Children are highly attuned to mixed signals from their parents.  Teens are prone to label inconsistent behavior on their parents’ part as hypocrisy.  Therefore, the mother has to be very careful to always dress in strict conformity to the rules that she chose.  If she is always firm with herself, her children will have a stronger grasp of what is right and what is wrong for their family.

Focus on Tzniyus on a Personal Level

For many women, tzniyus is a spiritual journey in which they raise their level of observance as they grow spiritually.  Children are likely to respect their mother and tzniyus itself as they see her efforts to improve.

Tzniyus groups such as Peninim are based on the idea that when mothers raise their standards, this gives girls moral support to adhere to tzniyus.  To find out more about Peninim in the Passaic/Clifton community, contact Mrs. Aviva Gross, (973) 473 – 3824.

Create an Open Relationship with Children

Given today’s challenging chinuch environment, it is essential that parents build an open relationship with their children based on trust and open communication.  Children need to know that their parents love them, want only the best for them, and are genuinely interested in hearing their point of view.  Mothers must make it clear to their daughters that they want their daughters to look attractive and to fit in socially while dressing tzniyusdik.  The message to be conveyed is that tzniyus is for the sake of the children themselves, rather than for the parents’ comfort or social standing.

In the short term, parents may need to ask their Rav whether maintaining the relationship may require compromising on their children following certain rules, including tzniyus.

Keep Up with Clothing Trends

Social survival for girls means dressing according to the fashions prevalent in their class.  Daughters are more likely to respect their mother if their mother can speak intelligently about what is “in”.  And, it’s easier on the mother/teen relationship when the mother dresses nicely.

Introducing Tzniyus

There are different halachic approaches to when girls need to dress according to tzniyus guidelines for wearing skirts, skirt and sleeve length, and socks or stockings.  Parents may find tzniyus easier for their daughter when they start early.

An advantage of inaugurating some tzniyus practices at age three is that this corresponds with the age that boys begin to wear tzitzis.  The daughter can be told that tzniyus is her mitzvah as she comes of age.  Tightening the standards gradually may be viewed as passing development milestones (e.g. “this is your last summer wearing short socks”).  Preschoolers are often excited to start wearing their school uniform and may be happy to incorporate the same standards in the rest of their clothing.

Parents often tell their little girls that they are princesses, and therefore have to dress to a higher standard.  This works until around age six. Many parents have been successful with telling their daughters that dressing in a less tzniyus way does not “pas” or befit such a “chosheve” girl; this is effective for girls who have an innate sense of dignity.

The concept of tzniyus is often best acquired by practicing it.  When parents dress their young children with tzniyusdik clothing, they cultivate a sense of refinement in dress that cannot be conveyed through lectures.  This is also the time to set the norms for the children. Parents may also reinforce the message by admiring their daughter’s appearance: “You look so nice!”, when her clothing conforms to tzniyus guidelines.

More hands-on opportunities to teach daughters about tzniyus arise when mother and daughter go shopping together.   While trying on a questionable garment, the mother may tell her daughter, “I like this dress but I wouldn’t feel good about myself if I’d wear it.”  The daughter should see that her mother also gets tempted and is able to say no.

Promoting Tzniyus

Girls are more likely to internalize the values and practices of tzniyus if the concept is presented as part of an attractive package rather a set of restrictions.  The tips that follow are more likely to be effective if tzniyus is not explicitly mentioned.

  • Invite families and singles who share the parental tzniyus values, dress attractively, and are fun to be with.
  • Starting from the early years, try to help the children develop friendships with classmates who share the family’s values. This may be a factor in deciding where to live.
  • Find chessed activities run by older girls who model the appropriate dress. There are many opportunities in the community for girls to help, including Project Give and Kool Kids.
  • Talk about women who have made a difference in our history and those are currently or recently active in the community, in order to highlight the importance of the woman’s role in a Torah community.

When girls realize that they have potential to have an impact on their world, they may be more willing to see their personality, skills and talents as their predominant means of self-expression as opposed relying only their clothing for this purpose.

Going Shopping

Ideally, shopping should be a pleasant time for mother/daughter bonding. It is a good idea to plan ahead so that both mother and daughter are not stressed by hunger, time constraints and the like.  Shopping may be seen as a fun mitzvah, to find clothing that will make the girl look attractive while following the halachos of tzniyus.

Researching in advance the fashions, the temptations, and the likely scenarios pays off.  This allows mother and daughter to discuss before the trip what is and what isn’t going to be allowed.  It is also helpful to work out a word or signal that mother should use if she feels that a garment is not tzniyusdik, to minimize embarrassment for the daughter.

Finding tzniyusdik clothing is easier in the frum stores, although this is not guaranteed.  It may be helpful to find a role model who dresses stylishly within the tzniyus parameters, and to shop in accordance with her look.  When mother and daughter have a conflict over a clothing item, the mother should begin by validating her daughter’s desire for the garment: “You do look good in it, but what image do you want to present?”  Spending money on nice accessories can sweeten compromises over clothing.

A skillful seamstress (or a family member) may be able to save the day by altering a dubious garment into a tzniyus one.  There are many ways to work with problematic clothes, and it is helpful for savvy mothers (and daughters) to share tips.  Some examples: using shells, taking in shoulder areas, adding a band of material on top to lengthen skirts, adding material to close a slit…

Parents may need to spend serious money on the clothing.  This can be seen as the hiddur mitzvah.  Daughters should see that parents take the mitzvah seriously and are willing to “put their money where their mouth is”.   Note: gemachs (in and out of town) often carry new or gently used tzniyusdik clothing.

Parents should be aware that sending their daughter shopping with a peer or a relative with different values (grandmother, aunt) may cause tzniyus conflicts if the shopper does not share their tzniyus values.  It is very hard to tell a daughter to return clothing.

Avoiding Power Struggles

Using tact is may avoid loading tzniyus with negative associations.

  • “Let’s go shopping!” – when clothing gets outgrown and therefore, less tzniyusdik
  • “What a dignified outfit!” – when pointing out an example of a tzniyusdik look
  • “That doesn’t look so refined” – when daughter is interested in something less appropriate
  • “That top could use a scarf; do you want to borrow one of mine?” – when daughter enters room wearing a dubious shirt.
  • “Not sure if you can tell but I’m noticing …(insert tzniyus problem – such as, “your sweater is pulling a bit, skirt riding up, etc.)”

In general, tzniyus-related comments have the most impact when given with brevity, nonjudgmentally, and without looking to get into a conversation.

Some teens need their space to experiment with different looks.  It is essential that parents minimize fights over tzniyus, because this creates baggage and resistance for future improvement.  Parents should discuss clothing issues with Rebbetzins and experienced friends to get a better idea of when to give in.

Helping a Daughter with Tzniyus

When a girl deliberately adopts a tzniyus level lower than that of her peer group, it may be due to a number of factors.

Some teens feel a need to experiment with their dress to try out different identities: am I a Yeshivish?   Modern?  A girl might simply prefer a more relaxed, open look than that of her parent’s social circle.  Or, she may be socializing with a less tzniyusdik crowd.

It is important to bear in mind that many girls do experience small-scale challenges with tzniyus at some point in their teenage years. Small changes in dress here and there are normal, and handled tactfully, go away on their own.

Dressing inappropriately may also be due to frustration or to a lack of connection to parents, school, or friends.  In high school, for example, the social scene can be intense and brutal.

To help their daughter, parents may begin with consulting the girl’s Morah or Mechaneches.   The family Rav or a someone experience with teens may also be able to give advice.  Parents should keep in mind that “cracking down” on a teenager may be highly counter-productive. A compromise may entail letting their daughter dress the way she wants in her room at home.

Sometimes, a hobby may be needed to provide her with a more suitable outlet and to build her self-confidence.  There are a variety of extra-curricular activities available in our community, including arts and crafts, dance, gymnastics, and more.  An activity that involves physical movement may help some girls feel more comfortable in their skin, and therefore, more at ease with tzniyus.

If the daughter is struggling, parents may discreetly ask someone: an older sibling, cousin, sister-in-law, or aunt to spend time with her on regular basis.  They could also shop together, minimizing tension with the mother.

In general, dressing highly inappropriately in our community is one way a girl may express her inner pain. Our recommendation is to counter this with lots of unconditional love on the part of her parents, her teachers, and other role models, rather than with lectures or pointers on how to improve her mode of dress.

Does she need professional counseling?

There is a spectrum of tzniyus standards.  When a teen dresses to a lower standard than her parents, she may see this as her choosing a different hashkafa, rather than a symptom of an underlying emotional or mental health issue.

When deciding whether their daughter has deeper problems, parents should examine the way the rest of the family dresses.  If the sons’ manner of dress is less strict, it’s easier to understand if the daughters do not conform to a higher standard either.  And, daughters cannot be blamed if their clothing matches that of their mother.

Some other questions to ask are: does the daughter seem otherwise well-adjusted?  Does she seem content?  Get good grades?  Goal oriented?  Maintain relationships with a set of stable friends?  If most of the answers are yes, it’s probably a hashkafa rather than a therapy (psychological) issue.

If the girl seems to seriously want to attract male attention, parents should consult someone who understands teens, i.e. a therapist or a specialist in at-risk children.

Discussing Tzniyus

Girls vary in how much they are interested in learning about tzniyus.  Some just want to be told the rules and left alone (or so they imply).  For others, tzniyus is an issue that must be discussed over and over. Many girls express the desire to learn the hashkafa and reasons for tzniyus, as opposed to learning rules and halachos in isolation.  Parents need to stay attuned to their children’s reactions when they initiate discussions, so that they use the right approach.  In addition, maintaining an open relationship allows children to bring up any question or topic without feeling judged.

There are many approaches to understanding tzniyus and it’s hard to know in advance which approach will “speak” to a girl.  For example, telling girls that their dress code is meant to protect the men’s spirituality is often counter-productive, since most girls neither understand nor sympathize, but may lose respect for men.  It is a good idea for both parents to research the topic and learn a few ways to explain the hashkafos behind the practices of tzniyus.  There are many good books and speakers on the topic.  Where children are in contact with people who dress differently, parents are even more obliged to be prepared to defend the family’s approach to tzniyus.

Tzniyus, sitting at the juncture between the personal/public, bodily/spiritual and authentic/superficial, is too vital a topic to neglect.  Parents may occasionally try to bring up topics related to this wider concept of tzniyus and see where they lead, to benefit from exploring their thoughts on this important subject.

Conclusion

Transmitting the mesora to one’s children entails that parents accomplish the following:

  • Show the children that living their lives according to Torah is the best way to live.
  • Build a relationship with the children based on trust and unconditional love.
  • Understand that chinuch needs to be customized for each child; there is no “one size fits all”

To close, when it comes to tzniyus, a prominent Rebbetzin states, “”I am a believer in ‘easy-does-it’ versus the sledgehammer approach.”

We wish our readers hatzlacha with their children.

Special Situations

Sometimes, a child or teenager’s situation requires a specialized school or program to fix deep or complicated issues.  Below are some resources parents may find helpful in their journey with their child.

Project Extreme
Camps, Miryam’s House, Mentoring, Weekend Retreats for at-risk teens
MASK (Mothers and Fathers Aligned Saving Kids)
An organization that helps parents of at-risk children

Natsap
National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs

Educational Consultants

These professionals help parents find the schools or programs most likely to fit their child’s needs.

Scott Hall, Hall Consulting

Children and Technology

 

 

Electronic technology has become part of our lives and a presence in our children’s world.  Computers, smart phones, electronic toys, email, social media, and a myriad of apps: families need to decide which technologies belong in their homes and how they should be used.   The purpose of this article is to provide parents with a framework to help them work out their approach to the challenge that screen-based technology poses to their children’s chinuch.  While we do not espouse any specific hashkafa in reference to the use of electronic entertainment or internet technology, we recommend that parents seek Rabbinic guidance to help them make decisions in this area.

This material is based on interviews with parents, children, mechanchim, and the staff of TAG (Technology Awareness Group).

TAG (Technology Awareness Group)

In this article, we mention TAG as a resource for parents.  TAG is a volunteer organization under the direction of Rav Matisyahu Salomon shlita, with 29 global offices.  Its mission is to help people understand and deal with the challenges raised by their use of digital technology and to help implement proper safeguards (primarily filters) for their use of digital devices.  TAG sees itself as a resource to give people the various options, trade-offs, etc., among various filters, apps and device brands. It is up to the individual to decide the level of filtering; TAG does not impose a particular hashkafa.

Decide on a Family Policy

In order for parents to raise their children according to their own values, they need to determine the fit of their values and the products of today’s technology: the games, the communication and the social media. They may find it useful to consult the family Rav, mechanchim at their children’s Yeshiva, relatives, and friends for information and  to help formulate a set of policies that’s right for them. This policy should be concrete enough that children know which devices and applications they are allowed to use, such as texting, social media, games, etc.

Once the parents have formulated a family policy, they need to educate their children about their policy, explaining what limits they wish to impose, and why.  Policy may need to change over time as technology and family circumstances change.  In addition, parents will need to fine tune their policies based on their children’s needs and personalities.  All this should be explained regularly to the children.

Stay Educated

It is harder for children to respect their parents’ decisions if they feel that their parents are out-of-touch with the realities of their world.  Given how quickly technology and trends change, parents will need to stay up to date by paying attention to what their children talk about and researching what they hear, attending lectures, and discussing the latest parenting challenges with other parents.

Delaying the Introduction of the Technology

Rabbonim and mechanchim advise postponing giving children high-tech entertainment for a variety of reasons, including potential for addiction and the danger of risky internet behavior. While much depends on a child’s personality, in general, minimizing children’s exposure to devices such as smart phones or tablets is helpful.

Children may be introduced to electronic toys on playdates or at family gatherings.  Parents may need to state in advance their electronic media policy to friends and the extended family.  Close relatives also need to understand the parents’ policy; otherwise, they may give the children iPads, Nintendos, or smartphones as presents when parents do not want their children to use them.

Providing alternative sources of entertainment may be helpful in minimizing children’s desire for electronic entertainment.  Parents may take the initiative by organizing group playdates around sports activities and board games.  Some games that are popular now include chess, checkers, Perpetual Commotion, Quoridor, Settlers of Catan, Blokus, Bananagram, RubiCub, Kugelach, Connect 4, Backgammon, and Risk.  Parents may need to jumpstart interest in games and sports by playing with the children.  Keeping the children supplied with entertaining books may also be helpful.

Before Getting the Device/Technology

Children often start asking for electronic toys such as a Nintendo DS or an Xbox in elementary school, with the age varying according to their exposure and their interests.  Older children often request iPods, smartphones, or their own email account.  The safest policy is for parents to postpone making a decision until they research the questions that we outline below.  Children might pressure parents to buy immediately in order to take advantage of a sale; however, parents may respond that their children’s wellbeing is more important to them than the money they may save.

Are there hazards?

Does the game depict violence?  How do women appear?  Do ads appear during gameplay? Does the sports game include cheerleading segments?   Is the game downloaded or upgraded from the internet?  A problem with downloading software from the internet is that the software often includes pop up advertisements or ads on the bottom of the screen, since this is one way that developers of free games make their money. These advertisements, which may show up later when the game is played offline, may display images incompatible with the family’s values.

Parents should also find out in advance whether the game/app requires internet access or benefits from internet access.  Most multi-player games require internet access.  These games often allow players to communicate with each other, such that one’s child may begin exchanging messages with a stranger.

Parents also need to know what follows in practice when a child or family acquires the technology.   Speaking to parents whose children already have the device is a good way to learn about unexpected side effects.   The TAG office or experienced mechanchim are also important sources of information, since they are in contact with many parents.

Parents may find out, for example, that the game or app may be innocuous, but the device may allow internet access.  Supervision might not be available 100% of the time. In addition, families find it extremely difficult to enforce usage limits, especially at night.  It is a good idea to speak with a few people, because children vary in their interest in exploring technology, and parents vary in how aware they are of their children’s activities.

If the research seems to indicate that the game is not harmful, parents might try playing the game (or watching others playing it) in order to gain the perspective of a “hands-on” experience.

Can the device/technology be filtered or monitored?

Hardware (iPods, PSPs, Nintendos, smartphones, etc.) and software (games, apps) vary in how effectively they can be protected from the hazards of the internet.  TAG advises the community to contact them before purchasing.  Many mobile devices do not allow filtering.  Filters, too, vary in effectiveness and in the level of control they provide.  Parents may “google” the name of the device followed by “parental control bypass” to see the effectiveness of the control. Parents may also wish to find out how much password protection the device or the software allows, and whether there are ways to monitor its use.  For example, some applications (apps) have an option to send notifications to an email address each time certain features are accessed.

How will it be used?

Parents should find out which games the child wishes to play and how s/he plans to fit game playing in his/her schedule.  How will they prevent the child from spending all day or staying up all hours with the device?   Can different profiles be given different settings so that siblings are given content appropriate for their age?   How will games be obtained?  Some games are only available through app stores.  If the device/game requires internet access, how will this be obtained?

What are the Child’s Needs

“One size fits all” does not work well for chinuch.  A relevant question may be, “What is the alternative?”  If the child is likely to be able and willing to acquire the device on his/her own without consulting the parents, it is better for the parents to offer it preemptively so that they can bring the technology on their own terms and exert some level of monitoring or control.

It is a good idea to consult the family Rav and/or someone experienced to help decide these subjective situations.  Where the child does not follow parental rules, it is advisable to seek guidance from outside professional help also.

After Acquiring the Device

The parents should be the first ones to open the box, to install the software, or to set up the account.  They need to be the ones to create the passwords and determine the settings.  In addition, the device may be pre-loaded with undesirable content (movies, games, or apps) which they will want to remove.

They may bring the device to the TAG office, to a friend, or to a professional to have it set up according to their values.  This is the time to have filtering and monitoring software installed, and to learn how to use it.   Note: It is often a good idea to consult with TAG even if the parents are technologically savvy, since the parents may not be up to date on parental control options.

If the child sets up the device first, parents should not give up.  If they bring it to the TAG office, the staff should be able to reset the device and set up parental controls.

Monitoring Use

Parents should be in constant discussion with children about how they use the device or the communication technology.  Should parents feel the necessity to monitor on a closer level, they would explain why and how they would monitor.  Parents could decide with children to periodically bring the device to a neutral third party, such as a TAG office to make sure that filters are still working properly.  An alternative approach is to acquire the device as “family property” available for use by siblings and parents.  This makes it less likely that any of the children will load inappropriate content and allows parents to monitor it without seeming to spy.

Guard Your Own Phone

Parents should keep in mind that their own smartphones may be their children’s primary exposure to inappropriate content and apps.  If they feel the need to give children their phones, they must make sure to password protect access to the internet and to close the app store.  If there is any doubt about what children may have done with a parent’s device, there is always the option to bring it to TAG.

Conclusion

Children are able to sense how much parents truly value something by seeing how much time and effort parents invest in it.  The most convincing way for parents to demonstrate the depth of their commitment to their children’s chinuch and wellbeing is to take the time to learn about and keep up with the technology in the children’s world and to enforce the policies that they determine appropriate for each child.

 

Girls and Davening

 

Teaching Our Daughters to Daven–Tips for fostering sincere prayer

Whereas men have the obligation to daven three times a day, preferably with a minyan, a woman’s obligation is less defined and less structured.  Nevertheless, we want our daughters to include prayer as an important part of their lives, and we want their prayers to come from the heart.  Inculcating these values is a subtle process.  Moreover, every child is unique and one method may work for one child but not another.

Encourage, Don’t Force

A consistent message emerged from the mechanchos and experienced parents whom we interviewed regarding girls davening.  It is preferable that girls not be told what to daven or how long to daven.  Ideally, girls will remember to daven on their own or when they see their mother daven.  Depending on the daughter and her relationship with her parents, the parents may gently remind and encourage a younger girl to daven.  Around Bas Mitzva age, it may be better to stop reminding the girl.

Parents who would like their daughter to daven a minimal subset of the standard davening at any age may consult with their own Rav to determine this minimum. Parents should seek guidance if issues or differences of opinion arise.

The issue typically arises on mornings when girls do not have school.  While mother might expect her daughter to daven the full school davening, this is more than many girls are able and willing to do on their own.  Yeshiva staff find it difficult to keep their girls davening nicely, even as a group singing together and with incentive programs.  Pressuring one’s daughter to daven more than she wishes may cause the girl to resent prayer or to pray without sincerity.

One strategy is to tell the daughter that she decides how much and which part of the davening to pray, but that she should do her very best with that davening.  This way, the child feels that she “owns” her prayer time.  It is best for parents not to check on their daughter’s davening—the girl should see prayer as something private between her and her Creator.

A quote from a distinguished educator summarizes this attitude:

“The main point – the ikkar – is that davening is a privilege; not an onerous duty. We’re not doing Hashem a favor when we daven; we’re doing ourselves a favor.”

Promoting Prayer

While coercion might be counter-productive in the long term, there are strategies that parents may adopt to encourage their children to daven.

Preschoolers

Mother can set a good foundation by singing the davening together with pre-schoolers.  It is nice to coordinate with their playgroup Morah; this reinforces at home what the child is absorbing during the week.

Build Davening into the Routine

For days when school is not in session, it is helpful to build davening into the framework of the day.  One mother used to provide a specific “davening treat” that her little children could take as soon as they finished davening.

Encourage Participation in School Incentive Programs

Morahs usually send checklists of desired activities, including davening times, with their students each weekend and before Yom Tov, especially for the younger grades.  These incentive programs are more effective when parents remind their daughters, fill out check boxes, and make sure the forms return to school.

Get the “Right” Siddur

While providing their daughter with the same siddur they use in school works best for younger girls, older girls may appreciate choosing their own siddur.   Parents might bring their daughter to a Judaica store to help her select the siddur that meets her needs, i.e. with English on her level.  English instructions may be useful to a girl who has trouble following the service in Shul.

Model Prayer

Make sure that children see their mother davening and observe how mother takes it seriously.  On the other hand, mother should make sure that her davening does not impose an undue burden on the household by davening at length during a chaotic situation.

Bring Hashem into Daily Life

When parents speak in terms of everything coming from Hashem, they make it clear that cultivating a relationship with Hashem is worthwhile.  This includes expressing one’s prayer for good outcome of one’s efforts and a heartfelt appreciation when plans run smoothly.

Shabbos Morning: Shul vs. Home

How important is it for girls to attend Shul on Shabbos morning?  Parents and mechanchos feel that girls should not be forced to attend shul. Girls may benefit from attending shul on Shabbos; however, it is not always in the girl’s best interest.

Helping Mother

By the end of the week, mother may need a rest.  Shabbos morning in some families is particularly challenging since younger children do not have school.  It may be a higher priority for daughters to stay home and help.  On the other hand, mother may choose to send her daughter to shul if she feels that her daughter is gaining much from the experience, even if this involves some sacrifice on the mother’s part.

Enjoying Shabbos/Down time

Parents should try to make Shabbos as enjoyable as possible for their children.  Many girls, especially teens, feel pressured during the week, from school work, homework, chessed activities, and helping at home.    While taking into account time needed for davening at home and helping as necessary, girls should know that they will have available some down time to sleep late or to relax.

Supervision

Many mothers cannot attend shul with their older daughters because of the needs of the younger children.  Before sending a girl alone to shul, parents should think carefully about what their daughter will actually do in shul.  Younger girls may not be ready to daven through the entire Shabbos morning service.  Often, they do not know the procedure: what to do and when.  Unless there is someone to guide them, girls might to daven a little and then talk or play.  In general, shul attendance is not spiritually productive when children are not ready; moreover, it may encourage bad habits.

Note: A child who goes to shul is not supervised unless s/he is sitting next to father or mother (or a surrogate) the entire time or is attending a youth program.  Lack of supervision may lead children into dangerous situations, including bullying, and it may cause disruption to the davening of others.

The Quality of the Shul Experience

Tefila B’tzibbur is intrinsically inspiring; kaddish, kedusha, and leining are only experienced with a minyan.  Girls who go to shul may be inspired by observing the intensity with which the women daven.  Some find it easier to appreciate davening when they hear it conducted by a ba’al tefilla.  The spiritual benefit that girls derive from shul attendance depends much on the spiritual level of the shul.  If they see a lack of seriousness in their fellow attendees, they might not benefit.

Yomim Noraim and Shul

Many mothers attend shul over the Yomim Noraim, often bringing children with them so that they too may share in the spirit of the day.  It is important to know each child’s limit and to respect it.  Children find it helpful if they are allowed to bring books to shul and are permitted to go home for breaks (with supervision, as needed).

Conclusion

It is important to allow children to develop spiritually at their own pace in a healthy environment.  It may take some patience on the parents’ part, but this approach is more likely to result in the child gaining a deep and sincere attachment to Torah and tefilla.

Finding Clothes for the Girls

 

Tips to make it easier and less expensive to find the “right” clothes

The Importance of Appearances

Girls are judged primarily by their social skills: how popular they are and how well they fit in. External appearance is an important component of a girl’s social persona.  While cleanliness and neatness are the most essential, girls who wear the clothes (when they are not in uniform), accessories, eye glasses, and hair-do that are current in school find social acceptance easier.  By contrast, a girl who looks neglected or wears unusual clothing is at risk for being bullied or socially excluded.  Even when the child does not care what she is wearing, the parents need to dress her correctly.

The Child Who Needs More

Some children need something extra.  Children who feel inferior for academic, social, or physical reasons may benefit from wearing new or special clothing.

Overweight (and sometimes underweight) children often feel acutely embarrassed by their appearance.  Even though it is hard to find clothing that makes them look good, it is very important for improving their self-image.

Where to Shop

Until school age, parents are usually able to find nice outfits in most clothing stores.  Once girls turn five, shopping becomes more complicated, because the clothing becomes trendier and less modest.  Most Yeshivas for girls require uniforms starting from Pre1A (kindergarten).  Uniforms are usually obtained with relative ease and they greatly simplify the question of what to wear to school.  The shopping focus now shifts to finding outfits for Shabbos, Motzai Shabbos, and Sundays.  These outfits are often created by combining elements from frum stores, such as long sleeved shells and long skirts, with other items obtained from outlet and discount chains.  Girls usually prefer quantity over quality; they enjoy wearing cheap tops for a season and then discarding them.

Once the girl grows into petite adult sizes, she has the option to shop at adult stores.  Teens report finding suitable clothing for good prices (during sales) at major department stores, including Macy’s and Lord and Taylor.

Shopping at the frum stores is convenient, since they are attuned with the styles current in the Yeshiva society.  However, parents should be aware that the stores accommodate a variety of tzniyus standards.  Since much depends on the girl’s body shape, it is a good idea to have the girl sit, stand, bend and walk while trying an outfit.

Strategies for Avoiding Conflict

Clothing is an area prone to parent/daughter conflict due to differences in taste, conflicting beliefs in tzniyus, financial constraints, and self-esteem issues.  However, measures may be taken in advance to mitigate the potential for disagreement.

Creating a Healthy Foundation

Choose your Location

The community, the yeshiva, the neighborhood, and the block all heavily influence a child’s standards in materialism and in adherence to tzniyus.  It is unfair to expect children to maintain different standards than their neighbors.  For example, a mother mentioned that her daughters are happy with two Shabbos outfits apiece, because this is what all the girls on their block have.  In other blocks and neighborhoods, however, girls would expect four or five outfits.  An added benefit of living in an area with compatible standards is that children who live near each other are more likely to be placed in the same class within their grade, reducing the likelihood of peer pressure against parental values.

Parenting Issues

Finding clothes for the children involves the familiar parenting challenges of setting limits and being consistent.  It is essential that children feel that their parents are in charge, that their parents want what is best for them, and that their parents are paying attention to them.  Keeping communication lines open and building trust make it much easier to handle the clothing issue.  There are many books, courses (including by phone), and audio materials to help parents improve their effectiveness.

It is also helpful when parents make their children feel intrinsically special for their own qualities, rather than having to resort to the external boost of an expensive or attention-getting outfit.  A healthy sense of self-worth makes it much easier for children to resist peer pressure to wear clothing that parents cannot afford or approve.

Educating the Daughter

The most effective time to impart one’s values to the children is when they are young.  Therefore, mother should occasionally bring the children along when she shops, and explain to them why she is picking this article of clothing and rejecting that one.

It is easier for parents to explain spending less on their children’s clothing when they explain how they are economizing on their own personal spending.

Mother Should Dress Well

Daughters find it harder to trust their mother’s clothes sense when they think that their mother doesn’t dress well.  Moreover, some girls who are embarrassed by their mother’s looks try harder to dress expensively and/or at the cutting edge of trendiness.  Mother should try to know the prevailing fashion and make sure that she is presentable before going out to car pool and errands.

Tips for Avoiding Conflict While Shopping

Do your Homework

Before going shopping, the mother should know the current styles: what’s in, what’s out, what’s cutting edge, and what’s daring.  It is useful to consult with a few other parents and/or school staff and to look around in shul.

Try to Understand

If the daughter asks for clothing that the parents consider outrageously expensive or trendy, parents should try to understand what is behind her request, rather than dismissing it immediately. The girl may be signaling that she needs friends or that she feels inferior.  The need must be dealt with, even if the request cannot be filled.

Make it Relaxed

Shopping with one’s daughter should ideally be a pleasurable outing and an occasion for one on one time.  This may require finding babysitting or scheduling the shopping late in the evening in order to avoid bringing other siblings.  Make sure both mother and daughter have eaten and are physically comfortable.

Yield Where Possible

Daughters are not copies of their mother.  A daughter might prefer a more spirited style or a more subdued look than her mother’s.  If the outfit is not going to damage the girl’s social standing, the mother should give her room to express herself.  This is especially important for school accessories because all girls are wearing the same uniform.  Accessories, including head bands, belts, glasses, and shoes provide them with an outlet.  However, parents should check that accessories conform to school policy.

Avoid Confrontation

An effective technique is to ask the daughter, “Do you think this skirt/blouse meets the school’s rules?” rather than telling her that the garment is unacceptable.

Parents may also defer a purchase decision, “Let’s think about it.  We can come back later.”

Suggesting that the daughter help pay for an item that is over-budget or not to the parents’ taste, is another way to defuse arguments (assuming the propriety of an outfit is not the issue).

Find a Surrogate

It may make life easier if the parents send their daughter to shop with a savvy, but responsible young adult, such as a big sister, an older cousin, or an aunt.

 

 

Handling or Avoiding Tzniyus Conflicts

Foster a Positive Attitude

When boys get their first tzitzes and yarmulke, parents often celebrate the milestone.  Tzniyus typically first arrives officially in the girl’s life when the Yeshiva’s dress code arrives in the mail before she starts school.  Perhaps, parents should celebrate this milestone, rather than expressing resentment at the new rules and restrictions.

Find Out the Underlying Reason

There are different motives for resisting tzniyus.  Younger children, especially, are rarely against tzniyus in principle. Parents should investigate by asking their daughter and by putting themselves in her place.  The girl may be unaware that the clothing is too tight or that the texture makes her uncomfortable.  Different versions or alterations might solve the problem.

Nuances vs. Halacha

Parents need to pick their battles.  Sometimes, the clothing fits within the measurements of the tzniyus code, but through the color, the cut, or the general trendiness, it sends a message distasteful to the parents.  Depending on the daughter’s needs, her relationship with the parents, and how extreme the look is, it may be wise to yield gracefully.  However, parents may need to bluntly explain to their older daughters the nature of the message that the outfit is broadcasting and why it is simply unacceptable.

Use a Tzniyus Arbiter

It is useful for the mother and the daughter to agree on an independent arbiter to judge whether an outfit is or isn’t acceptable.  The father, the grandmother, or a local Rebbetzin may fill this role.

Spend for Tzniyus

Sometimes, the only way to find clothing that is both tzniyusdik and makes the girl look good is to spend more money.  It may be helpful to view this as spending on hiddur mitzvah rather than as an annoying expense.  Moreover, seeing how much her parents value tzniyus sends a powerful message to the daughter.

Use a Seamstress

A talented seamstress can solve tzniyus disputes by lengthening, adding kick pleats, and closing collars. This adds to the cost, but may be worth it to keep the peace.

Look for Educational Resources

If their daughter is having trouble with the idea or restrictions of tzniyus, parents should look for resources, such as audio tapes from educators who specialize in this area.  The principal or mechaneches may be able to recommend material.  Hearing the message well expressed on her level may help their daughter.

Criticize with Humor

Find a funny code-word to discreetly express to the girls that the outfit which they are trying on is inappropriate.  This gets the message across without explicitly criticizing or embarrassing one’s daughter.

Discrepancies between Home and School

If parents have selected a Yeshiva that maintains a stricter standard than they believe in, they may avoid problems by accepting these new standards wholeheartedly.  At the least, they can make it clear to their children that they respect the school’s standards and expect their daughters to comply totally while at school.

On the other hand, if the family maintains a stricter standard than their community, parents may try to instill in their daughters a quiet pride in adhering to their tzniyus level.

Sometime, girls from low-key families find themselves in a class where they feel pressure to wear trendy and/or expensive clothing (e.g. designer labels).  Generally, girls who are self-confident do not need to follow the cutting edge trends in order to find friends.  Being clean, neat and “put together” usually suffices.  However, there are circumstances in which a girl who is experiencing social difficulties may benefit from conforming more to the clothing style of the class trendsetters.  Parents should consult with school staff to help determine whether this is necessary.

Strategies for Saving Money

Sales, Etc.

The winter sales are a great time to buy long sleeve tops for all-year use.  It often pays to get on the stores’ mailing list, use their in-house credit cards, and shop with coupons.  Buying on-line gives access to additional bargains.  Frum stores usually have twice yearly end-of-season sales.  Beware of buying too far in advance, since the styles change and the old look may not be wearable.

Borrowing/Trading

Girls often adore shopping from their friends’ or their relatives’ closets.  Assuming that they share similar standards, parents may wish to encourage this.

Creating Accessories

Girls may create their own belts out of pieces of fabric.  They may also customize inexpensive head bands and shoes by adding their own appliques: flowers, sequins, etc.

Hand-Me-Downs

Take advantage of offers of used clothing from family and friends.  When a family has a long gap between two of their daughters, it is likely that the outfits will be outdated by the time the younger daughter grows into them.  Ideally, family or neighbors should organize a pool of used clothing, with each participant contributing new outfits to replenish the collection.

Gmachs

Gmachs and thrift shops are two practical options. However, girls are rarely willing to enter a gmach clothing store.  Mother may visit out-of-town establishments (e.g. Kupas Ezra in Monsey), buy half a dozen outfits for dollars apiece, and let her daughter select what she wants.  Although the rejects are not refundable, the visit is usually worthwhile if one Shabbos outfit is obtained.  Note:  clothing donated to a gmach is much more likely to be in style, and hence usable, when donated right away rather than spending a few years in storage.

Understanding the Teenage Daughter

“If my mother thinks it’s lovely, then it’s not happening”

Girls are judged by their appearance and their dress, from elementary school through entry to Shidduchim.  To be seen in the wrong clothing may feel like social suicide.  In this context, a teenager may be wary of accepting a clothing item that her mother likes, because how can one expect mother to be fully up to date with the very latest teen clothing style?  Therefore, it may be good practice for mother to avoid “pushing” or praising an article of clothing that she thinks will suit her teenager.

If the parents have maintained a healthy relationship with their daughter over the years, they should probably relax and let their teen express her new sense of individuality as long as it is consistent with their tzniyus standard.  Usually, teenagers want to make their parents proud of them, even while they are trying out new ways to go about it.

When the Teenager Insists on her Own Standards

If a teenaged daughter refuses to adhere to her family’s or her school’s tzniyus code, it may be a sign that something is wrong.  Parents should not delay in contacting the school and/or their Rav for advice about the situation.  The parents may be advised to consult with one of the organizations which have the experience and the expertise to make the recommendations that are most likely to help their daughter.

Conclusion: Raising Tolerant Daughters

Since girls know that they are judged by their appearance, it is natural for them to judge others by their appearance.  This may cause girls to look down on peers who have stricter or more relaxed standards in tzniyus or who are dressed in outmoded clothing.  Parents may counter this tendency by modeling tolerance and acceptance of others.  When classmates are seen wearing inappropriate outfits, parents may explain that each family has its own derech and follows its own Rav and/or that not all parents have the time or money to find the right clothes for their children.

Helping Your Son Succeed in Mesivta

How to use the Mesivta experience to help your son grow in middos and interpersonal skills

When people think about Mesivta high schools, they typically think about the level of learning or of motivation in the bochurim.  However, there is another dimension to the Mesivta experience: the growth in personal development and good middos that occurs during these transitional teenage years.

The material was obtained through interviews with mechanchim and with local bochurim.

Helping Your Son Fit In

Social development is easier for people when they blend smoothly into their social environment.  This is especially important in a high school setting, since teens are often very concerned about this.  In many Mesivtos, bochurim try hard to look and behave according to the norms of the Yeshiva.   They are concerned about being friendly with others who may be unique.  Therefore, parents who are sending their son to a Mesivta which has a strong culture of uniformity might want to explain to your child why conforming is useful.  Conforming may lead to social acceptance, which in turn allows boys to fine tune the skills they need to make friends and to work effectively as chavrusas.

Which Mesivta Type Suits My Son?

Selecting a Mesivta for one’s child should be seen as finding the right shidduch.  The primary rule is to know your child and to look for the Mesivta that will suit his personality.  Consulting with the boy’s menahel and with his 8th grade Rebbe provides parents with useful information, since these educators know both the child and the Mesivtos.  Each Mesivta is good for certain types of students and not so great for others.  Therefore, you need to look beyond the reputation of an institution to examine the factors that will form the chinuch experience of your child.  With the right shidduch, growth is more likely in all areas.

High Pressure vs. Relaxed

Some boys need the structure of a stricter Mesivta; others may find it hard to handle the pressure.  A Mesivta which pushes boys to excel may be right for boys who thrive in a competitive environment.  If the boy is sensitive, he might be more comfortable in a more relaxed Mesivta where boys are left to grow at their own pace.

Guidance Style

Mesivtas vary in their priorities.  Some boys grow well in a Mesvita that has a “hands-off” approach.  In such Mesivtas, the Rebbe is a maggid shiur, giving over the lesson and answering questions.  Talmidim are expected to approach their Rebbe if they are unhappy about something or if interpersonal issues arise. If talmidim do not speak to the Rebbe, issues are often left to resolve themselves in due time.

In other Mesivtos, hanhalla expects the Rebbe to be closely involved with each talmid.  Usually, these are smaller Mesivtos.  The smaller class sizes allow a Rebbe to be aware of what is happening in and out of the classroom/Bais Midrash and to get involved.  Such a Rebbe interacts with each talmid on a regular basis to make sure that the boy is progressing to the best of his potential.

When checking Mesivtos, parents may ask hanhalla about their policy for intervening when boys are experiencing difficulties.  It is also a good idea to speak with a few older boys in the Mesivta, especially those similar to your son, to ascertain how situations have been resolved in practice.  Bochurim in twelfth grade or Bais Midrash have the perspective to understand and to explain how they felt that their growth was nurtured in their early Mesivta years.

Social Compatibility

Each Mesivta has its own style or personality, even where the leadership shares the same hashkafa and goals as other Mesivtas.  Speaking to parents or bochurim themselves who are presently attending the institution may provide clues about what is stressed in that Yeshiva.  Attending a Mesivta with friends from school or camp is another good way to ensure social compatibility.

Tips to promote a successful start in Mesivta

Send to Sleep-away Camp

Look for a camp with boys from the Mesivta your son will attend.  Aside from allowing a boy to make friends in advance, the camp experience allows a boy to observe how other boys conduct themselves.  It is useful for boys who come from a background different from that of their future fellow bochurim to learn the mannerisms and practices of their peers.  Moreover, boys who will dorm would likely benefit from “practicing” by attending sleep-away camp.

Prepare the Correct Wardrobe

Consult parents of boys attending the Mesivta to make sure that the clothing, accessories and equipment you obtain for your son are appropriate for this institution.

Speak to the Rebbe

If parents have reason to be concerned about their son fitting in, they might contact the 9th grade Rebbe shortly before the zman begins to explain their concerns.  A personal meeting between your son and his future Rebbe may be beneficial, provided that the boy does not object.  It is a good idea to follow up regularly with the Rebbe to make sure that your son is receiving whatever help he may need, rather than waiting for scheduled parent/teacher conferences.

Get a “Big Brother”

If your know that your son is slow at making friends, you may find it helpful to find a warm and outgoing 12th grader or Bais Midrash bochur to learn with him.  This may cost up to a few hundred dollars a year, but it can make a huge difference.  The older bochur should be well attuned to the nuances and unwritten rules of the Mesivta and able to guide a boy through its social intricacies.  Moreover, learning with an older bochur confers useful status to a 9th grader.  (Some Mesivtas make a practice of matching older boys with 9th graders.)

 

Growing through the Chavrusa System

The chavrusashaft  (chavrusa partnership) is the setting for most of the learning in a classic Mesivta and Bais Midrash.  Chavrusas begin their day studying source commentaries to prepare for the Rebbe’s shiur.  After the shiur, they review the material together, working out answers to questions that emerged from the shiur.

In 9th and 10th grade, the Rebbe sets up the chavrusas, and the learning takes place for 45 to 60 minutes.  Boys need to find their own chavrusas for optional learning.  The learning is geared towards understanding the gemara and some basic commentaries on a simple level.  Once they reach the upper grades, bochurim set up their chavrusashafts and learn together for 3 hours at a time.  The learning becomes more complex as the boys work out their own understanding of open ended conceptual approaches to the gemara and the commentaries.

Qualities Bochurim Seek in a Chavrusa

Motivation:  The basic traits of a good chavrusa are consistently coming on time, staying to the end of seder, focusing on the learning, and avoiding distractions.

Social Skills/Good Middos:  Perhaps the most important social attribute of a good chavrusa is being a good listener.  It is tempting for bright boys to want to do all the talking and to aggressively push their own thoughts.  Chavrusas need to learn turn-taking and team work in order to give the other boy a chance to express his thoughts about the sugya.  They must be willing to occasionally give up their own approach and adopt the chavrusa’s way of thinking about the sugya, even if the chavrusa is not as strong intellectually.

Submitting to the chavrusa’s approach can be especially challenging if one of the partners is an original thinker.  At first, such boys need to listen more and to be willing to yield to the more conventional approach.  However, in the upper grades, original thinkers are prized because they bring more interest and creativity to the chavrusashaft.

Bochurim also need to cultivate the generosity of spirit to acknowledge their chavrusa’s contribution to understanding the sugya.  A chavrusa with under-developed middos finds it hard to admit that the other boy is right or that his chavrusa found the answer first.

Boys who have annoying personal habits or poor hygiene find it harder to retain chavrusas.  In general, bochurim expect higher standards of behavior in Mesivta; boys who were used to teasing others in 8th grade may find that 9th graders will not tolerate this.

Compatibility: Shares similar goals and learning style.  It is easier to learn with someone who shares the same tastes about how quickly or thoroughly to cover the material, which approach to use in understanding the material, and the same interests in commentaries (important for upper grades and Bais Midrash).

Sociability: Someone friendly, easy and fun to be with.  Three hours is a long time to spend with one person.

Status:  Especially in the lower grades, bochurim feel safer learning with someone who is self-confident and socially integrated.

When Academic Levels Differ

The mechanchim and the bochurim interviewed agreed that academically stronger boys often find it difficult to learn with boys who are far below their level.  Low with medium level or medium with high levels are more likely to work.  Brighter boys may resent being slowed down by having to explain the basic points of the material to their chavrusa rather than going on to the creative work of resolving issues raised by the shiur.

Such partnerships can work, however, if the stronger boy is willing from the outset to take on the role of leader and teacher.  Some boys appreciate the chance to develop a better understanding of the gemara by helping someone else grasp it.  The weaker boy, in turn, has to be willing to accept the authority of the stronger boy who will serve as “Rebbe” in this relationship.  Each party is given an opportunity for social growth.  The stronger boy needs to learn patience, the weaker boy respect, and both empathy for those who are different.

Weaker boys might find that they are happier when they stay with chavrusas closer to their own level.  This way, there is less frustration and they do not have to feel like they are “taking”.  Should they get stuck on a difficult question, weaker chavrusashafts may seek help from the resources such as shoel u’maishiv (supervisor, question answerer) or older bochurim provided by every Bais Midrash.

A special challenge in unequal partnerships occurs when an academically weaker boy is matched with a brighter but less motivated chavrusa.  While both parties may gain from this arrangement, the weaker boy needs to learn how to motivate his chavrusa without annoying him.

Developing Chavrusa Skills

It takes time and effort to develop the skills needed for a successful chavrusashaft.  The process is much easier if the bochurim know whom to approach for help.  Chavrusas benefit where senior figures, such as the mashgiach, a Rebbe, or an older bochur supervises the free-style learning in the Bais Midrash.  Imperfect chavrusa interactions are more likely to be noticed and corrected in such a setting.  A Rebbe or mashgiach can coach boys through a difficult relationship and show them how to handle the challenges of a specific situation.

Not all chavrusashafts are successful.  A bochur may need to find a tactful way to break up a relationship that is not productive.  Here, too, it is best to seek guidance to find a wording that will avoid hurting the chavrusa’s feelings (“it’s not personal; our styles are too different…”)   A bochur should make sure to give his chavrusa ample time before the end of the zman to find another partner for the next zman.  How he handles this kind of situation will affect his reputation.

Building Reputation

“Reputation,” being known as a bochur with desirable qualities, is the crucial social asset in the Mesivta world.  Bochurim share information.  A boy who has displayed weaker middos will find it harder to find chavrusas.  A bochur builds good reputation by showing himself to be considerate to others, in the Bais Midrash and in the dorm.  For example, an academically strong boy who learns patiently with a weaker boy demonstrates that he’s a “giver.”  Weaker boys may gain status and find better chavrusas by showing diligence in their learning through coming on time to seder and learning steadfastly to the end.

The good news is that the less than optimal reputation can be fixed.  If a Rebbe or a mentor coaches a boy with undesirable traits to change his behavior, the other bochurim will eventually forget his former habits and accept him.

Chavrusa Skills/Life Skills

The chavrusa system encourages teenagers to develop complex social skills.  A chavrusashaft is rarely completely compatible, since even boys on the same academic level have different strengths or learning styles.  Eventually, bochurim may learn to see and appreciate the unique strengths of each of their chavrusas and learn how to benefit from their special qualities.  Boys may benefit greatly in the long term if they attend a Mesivta that helps them develop these skills, since they are invaluable for success later in life.

 

Your Son’s Bar Mitzva

 

Helping Your Son Grow Through His Bar Mitzva 

The Bar Mitzva celebration with the planning and preparations leading to it are wonderful opportunities to help a boy grow spiritually and develop maturity.  In this article, derived from interviews with parents and local mechanchim, we provide tips to help parents plan the Bar Mitzva celebration best suited for their son’s development.

Expectations of a Bar Mitzva Boy

In our community, boys are typically expected to lein at least some of the parsha and/or haftora, speak (say over a pshetl), and/or make a siyum at their Bar Mitzva.  Some boys also lead the davening in shul.  While these tasks require extensive advance preparation, the amount of effort and the time required depends on the scope of the task.  A year or two before their son’s birthday, parents should begin thinking about how much to expect from him.  It may be helpful for parents to consult with their son’s Rebbe, principal, or the family Rav to get a better idea of what is feasible for him (and them).

The Leining

Reading an entire parsha correctly from a Sefer Torah requires motivation, although musical ability and memorization skills (for the trop) are helpful.  It is an accomplishment that is within the reach of many boys, although some find it easier than others.  The Bar Mitzva is a wonderful opportunity for a boy to learn an important skill and experience the thrill of reading the Torah at his shul.  The parsha that he leins at his Bar Mitzva often is remembered for life.  Moreover, every minyan needs a baal koreh; it is a public spirited act to learn to lein and if he does not acquire it at Bar Mitzva, the boy is less likely to learn the skill later in life (although some learn to lein for their aufruf).

Mechanchim and leining Rebbes sometimes discourage boys (and their parents) from undertaking the leining of a full parsha.  If the boy appears to “have what it takes,” they might set learning the entire parsha as an initial, tentative goal.  It is becoming more common for the boy to lein either the beginning of the parsha or just the maftir.  Many boys lein the haftorah, too, which is easier, when it is read from a sefer containing the cantillation marks (trop).

If the boy is not motivated, parents should consider seriously before pressuring him into leining as there is no obligation to lein at the Bar Mitzvah.  However, if possible, the boy should be encouraged to be work on something else, such as making a siyum and/or leading the davening.

The Speech/Pshetl

It is an old tradition that the Bar Mitzva boy delivers a learned speech (pshetl) at some point during the celebration.  The speech, often composed by a Rebbe, the father, or a learned relative/friend, is traditionally difficult for the average listener in the audience to understand.   The idea behind the pshetel is to show that the boy is capable of understanding and explaining complicated Torah concepts—that he is truly a budding ben Torah.

The pshetl works best for the boy when he is involved in composing it and when it is explained to him, step by step, until he truly masters it.  Ideally, the process of learning the pshetl stimulates the boy’s intellect, showing him what “real” learning is about.  The boy becomes the proud owner of a complex and beautiful piece of Torah.  When there is a relevant message for the boy, e.g. a concept that he now understands thoroughly or a lesson in the importance of a mitzvah that he performs, the pshetl takes on more value.

Another approach to the pshetl is to craft a more accessible, inspirational speech that will be understood and enjoyed by more of the audience, perhaps followed or preceded by a “lomdishe” part.

The Siyum

Making a siyum at the Bar Mitzva is a more recent practice.  This is a nice way to spiritualize the celebration, to encourage a boy to spend more time learning, and for the boy to acquire the self confidence that comes from achievement.  Siyumim are usually made on one or more sidrei mishna or on a masechta in gemara.  It is important that the parents and their son select a realistic goal and begin early, at least three years ahead if the goal is to complete all shas mishnayos.  It may convey an unwholesome message to a boy if the learning is done in a rushed, superficial manner. In addition, the family does not need the additional pressure of completing the learning in the weeks before the Bar Mitzva.

A few weeks before the siyum, it is a good idea for the boy to practice the hadran (siyum text) so he is able to read the long and complex text fluently.

Alternatives

A boy who is not going to lein or to make a siyum might lead the davening in shul.  Another option is to provide the boy a chessed project, such as raising money for the tzeddoka cause of his choosing during the year before his Bar Mitzva.  This gives him a sense of accomplishment and of “earning” his right to the celebration and to entering a mitzvah-filled adulthood.

Stretch vs. Stress

There is a fine line between parental encouragement and parental pressure. The Bar Mitzva is an opportunity for parents to help their son grow by presenting him with a challenge.  The knowledge that he will perform in public and the desire to live up to the standards of his community are strong motivators to push a boy into achieving more than he would have deemed possible.  Accomplishments achieved through solid effort build a self confidence that will help a boy through the transition into mesivta and adulthood.

On the other hand, the seventh grade year, when many boys turn thirteen, is pivotal for his future.  This is when boys build the gemara skills they will need early in eighth grade for the farhers (oral exams) to qualify for admission to the mesivta of their choice.  Much of the boy’s free time is already used attending their friends’ Bar Mitzva celebrations. If preparing for his Bar Mitzva depletes the time and energy that the boy needs to keep up with his class, it is better to choose easier options or skip some tasks entirely.

Another factor to consider is how well their son is likely to handle the pressure of executing the Bar Mitzva tasks.  Even if the boy is intellectually capable, if he has trouble staying on task or giving up free time, this may not be the right battle to pick.  A solid child/parent relationship is crucial for the healthy development of an adolescent.  Nagging a reluctant son to work on his leining/pshetl/siyum might damage this relationship.

It is important that parents focus on what is best for their child rather than trying to keep up with standards set by other boys.  Their son’s long term prospects (admission to a quality mesivta and maintaining good relations with his parents) are more important than the nachas he or they may derive from a beautiful Bar Mitzva performance.

The Importance of Flexibility and Communication

Occasionally, the boy or his parents realize during the preparation process that the siyum or leining goals that they set were unrealistic.  It is better for the boy and his parent(s) to openly discuss and revisit the goals rather than giving up in an emotional outburst or continuing under increasing acrimony.  Communication must be encouraged.

The Bar Mitzva Rebbe

Parents usually hire a leining Rebbe to teach their son how to lein.  It makes a big difference for the outcome and for the experience when the boy and his leining teacher are a good fit.  Therefore, when networking with parents and/or Rebbeim, parents should ascertain that the leining Rebbe has had good experiences with boys with similar temperament to their son’s.

While for some boys a strict professional approach is best; for others, warmth and caring are the most important factors.  Parents should chat with the instructor before signing him on to make sure that they themselves feel comfortable with him. Once they have selected the right leining Rebbe, parents should be ready to heed his advice about how much of the parsha their boy is up to learning. Nonetheless, if their son feels that the relationship is not working well or that the goals need to be revisited, the parent should discuss these issues with the Rebbe.

Sessions with the leining teacher may be augmented by having the boy listen to a recording of the parsha/haftora on his own time, i.e. walking to and from school or on car trips.

Shul Environment

Many shuls have standards for how the Torah should be read.  These shuls have a contact person, the Rav or the baal koreh, who tests the Bar Mitzva boy before he is permitted to lein.  It is best when the leining instructor stays in touch with this contact person.

It is easier for a beginner leiner when men in shul designate one or two listeners to correct the reading, rather than having numerous men “pounce” on the boy for every mistake.

Planning the Event

Bar Mitzva celebrations usually include a community kiddush on the Shabbos the boy leins or gets his aliya.  Other elements may include catered meals for the extended family and out-of-town guests attending that Shabbos and a seuda (meal) on or around the day the boy turns thirteen.  This seuda may vary from a meal at the boy’s home to a lavish catered affair.

Whose Bar Mitzva is it?

It is usually healthier when the parents determine the general framework and scale of the celebration, after obtaining their son’s input.  Parents find it easier to confer if they do not include their son at their first meeting with the caterer.  There are many factors to consider, including the boy’s preferences, family budget, extended family, and parents’ hashkafa.  However, involving the child in making some of the decisions helps him feel ownership of the Bar Mitzva.

The celebration should be kept manageable for the parents, physically, emotionally, and financially.  It is easier for everyone to enjoy the simcha when parents avoid getting upset over details (the flowers, the dresses, etc.); relaxed parents mean less tension all around.

Deciding on the Scale of the Event

Most boys are happy with any celebration, as long as it is roughly in line with their classmates’ celebrations.  The main attraction for boys seems to be the food and the dancing, although there are boys who care about the details of décor.  If the boy does not enjoy dancing, inviting the class to come over for a Shabbos meal is an alternative.

Parents sometimes cannot afford a celebration on the scale of their son’s classmates’ Bar Mitzvas.  In this situation, communication between the parents and the son is very important.  Perhaps, they can discuss and investigate alternatives together.

There are a few reasons why parents might wish to keep the celebration as simple and inexpensive as possible:

  • The family’s first Bar Mitzva is a financial commitment to the rest of the siblings, since they will expect their own Bar Mitzvas or chasunas to be on a commensurate scale.
  • Attending a celebration more lavish than they can afford may arouse envy and resentment in the family’s social circle.  It also raises the standard and increases expectations in the classmates, causing anguish for struggling families.
  • An upscale affair may outshine the Bar Mitzva boy and his simcha, diminishing the meaningfulness and spirituality of the celebration.

Handling Diversity

When the boy’s family is from a background different from his community, parents need to design a celebration that will both fit their community and make their relatives and out-of-town guests feel welcome.  The Bar Mitzva party is a special opportunity for a beautiful kiddush Hashem, as long as everyone is prepared in advance.  Some tips:

  • Ask the Rebbe if the boy’s classmates need to be reminded about decorum.
  • Prepare secular guests in advance by letting them know, in a light and friendly manner, what to expect, including what others will be wearing, if women will dance, etc.  Make sure that they realize that you are excited to have them come.
  • Have the speakers prepare for a diverse audience and translate.  The boy’s pshetl may include an accessible message about hakoras hatov to his family and relatives.
  • Ask friends to greet guests who look out-of-place with a warm mazal tov and to chat with them about the boy or his family.  Friends may also pull these guests into the dancing and help them feel part of the celebration.

One family began their catered affair with a reception just for family, tailored to meet the expectations of guests with a less observant background.  The relatives then stayed for the standard Bar Mitzva seuda that followed for community members and classmates.

Another approach is to stage a catered affair for friends and relatives and a simple breakfast or supper just for the boy’s classmates.  The boys are often very happy with their meal, bagels and cream cheese (even lox may be too fancy) or frankfurters with fries, followed by music and dancing.  The boy may deliver his pshetl without having to translate, and the class Rebbe may speak to the boys at their own level, making the seuda much more meaningful.  (Yeshiva M’kor Boruch has a breakfast Bar Mitzva option. Contact Rabbi Bogart, assistant principal for junior high school, for more details.)

Learning Consideration for Others

The Bar Mitzva is a tremendous learning experience in many dimensions.  Boys acquire time management and scheduling skills as they prepare for their leining/pshetl/siyum.  Planning the affair, which often includes tradeoffs between the boy’s preferences and the convenience of others, teaches the boy to see and consider other points of view.  When a boy sees that his decisions affect others, he may learn sensitivity.  Ending the seuda by 10:00PM strengthens the idea that the next day’s Torah learning is an important value.

With some help from their Rebbe and parents, boys also learn to share in the simcha of their classmates, to be non-judgmental audiences, and to be kind to those who are less socially gifted.  The onerous thank-you note task hopefully inculcates hakoras hatov even for gifts that are not yet appreciated.

Tips for Helping Your Son Succeed in Gemara

The study of gemara (Talmudic studies) has been the bedrock of the boys’ Yeshiva curriculum for centuries, since by analyzing the mishnayos, it leads to a clearer and deeper understanding of Torah.   Boys are introduced to gemara, usually in fifth grade, and gemara becomes their main limudei kodesh study through junior high school, mesivta, and bais medrash.  The self-esteem of many yeshiva boys and their attachment to Yiddishkeit depends heavily on their proficiency in gemara.  Moreover, boys with better gemara skills have more mesivta and bais medrash options available.

The Gemara Challenge

The transition to gemara is welcomed by most boys because of the prestige of learning what the grown men are learning.  Gemara, when well taught, is stimulating, interactive, and creative.  For boys who have good logic skills but poor ability with text, gemara is their first opportunity to “shine” in school as they contribute to class discussions.

However, gemara is more challenging than the chumash and mishnayos that the boys were learning previously.  The language is Aramaic, the text has no punctuation (no vowels, commas, periods, question marks, etc.) and the logic is complex.  Boys who were successful in chumash through rote learning now have to develop reasoning skills.  Generally, boys who had trouble keeping up with earlier subjects have a much harder time now, especially once the class progresses to the more complicated sugyos (topics).

In order to help their sons learn well, parents need to be aware of their sons’ strengths and weaknesses in academics and motivation.  A student’s proficiency in gemara depends more on his level of motivation than on his intellect.  In this article, compiled through interviews with experienced mechanchim and reviewed by prominent mechanchim in our community, we provide tips for parents to help their sons learn to enjoy and find fulfillment in their study of the Talmud.

How Parents Can Help – Before Gemara Begins

Creating the Right Home Environment

More than other subjects, boys need a tranquil environment in order to achieve in gemara.  Aside from sholom bayis, this includes good relations among the siblings and between the father and his son.  During the early school years, the father should build a mutually satisfying learning/chazara (review) relationship with his son.  It is helpful when parents have realistic expectations about their children.  If the father and/or the uncles had trouble focusing in school, the son may experience similar difficulties.  Additionally, the parents should be honest with themselves: if the father cannot review chumash with his child without acrimony, he will not be able to chazer gemara productively with him.

Parents should also try to foster in their son a sense of self-confidence in his learning by recognizing and praising his achievements.  This will make it easier for the boy to “stretch” to grasp complex sugyos (gemara topics) later on.

Monitoring the Academic Situation

It is the parents’ responsibility to make sure that their son is up to par in his limudei kodesh academics.  Are the boy’s reading and translating skills within the normal range?  Parents might wish to test their child’s reading skills after second grade by having him read to them an unfamiliar perek of Tehillim.  Reading problems are easily overlooked, but they are liable to devastate a child’s academic and emotional future.

Learning disabilities and academic weaknesses should be dealt with as early as possible before the child becomes overwhelmed.  Problems that exist in the earlier, pre-gemara grades usually become exacerbated when the academic material turns harder.  Is the boy behaving appropriately during class?  In general, if the Yeshiva staff is concerned about a boy, parents should be concerned, too.

Building Motivation

While it is hard to “create” a motivated son who is driven to succeed in gemara, parents may influence their children by showing that learning and achieving in Torah is their primary value.  This may be conveyed by sharing divrei Torah enthusiastically, celebrating siyumim and other milestones in learning (beginning of chumash, mishnayos, etc.), and praising children for success in learning.  Seeing their father study Talmud regularly is helpful, too.  It is also a good idea to refrain from pulling boys out of yeshiva freely, for vacations and other discretionary reasons—children can sense the importance parents place on their learning in Yeshiva.

Parents should also try to avoid distracting their children with contradictory messages by putting less stress on hobbies and other interests.  Minimizing (or eliminating) media exposure, movies, games, and internet, is also helpful.  Children who spend extensive time playing or watching electronic media find it harder to focus on academics and become habituated to instant gratification rather than accustomed to working patiently to acquire skills.  On the other hand, children need wholesome ways to relax and to exercise in order to function well in and out of yeshiva.

Preparing for Gemara

Fathers may prepare their sons for gemara by studying with them the gemara-style rashi (Bo, Mishpatim, Vayikra) or by learning mishnayos in more depth.  This may be valuable for boys who have trouble reasoning—practice helps build up the necessary skills.

Fathers should also make sure that their own gemara skills are up to par.  This may entail reviewing/relearning the material that is covered in their son’s yeshiva.  If the father did not attend a standard yeshiva, he should try to find a shiur that covers the topic or find an experienced chavrusa to help him prepare.  The Yeshiva may be able to point out such shiurim for fathers.  (In Passaic, Yeshiva PTI provides such shiurim.)  Learning the sugyos solely from a translated gemara does not convey the yeshivish pronunciation or the flavor of classroom environment.  Fathers may need to sacrifice their own learning schedule and preferred topics in order to prepare for their sons’ gemara learning. 

Chazara – the Learning in the Home

Parents have the most impact on their son’s gemara learning through the chazara process.  In a standard yeshiva, the Rebbe spends most of his classroom time explaining the shakla v’tarya (the reasoning) of the gemara thoroughly, spending less time actually reading the gemara inside. This helps keep a class of lively preteens stimulated and interested as they explore the exciting give and take of the sugya.  The Rebbe relies on the chazara at home every night for the more hum drum skills-building work in kriya (reading text) since this really requires one on one attention.

The top boys in the class are usually able to catch both the logic and the text from paying close attention in class.  Their chazara needs may be met by reviewing with each other, although they might gain a richer understanding by review with a qualified adult.  Most boys need a serious review session in order to fully absorb the material and to learn how to read gemara inside.  Chazara is typically done with the father, although many parents pay to have their sons learn with a Yeshiva bochur or with a boy in an older grade.

Tips for More Effective Chazara

Prepare Properly – The reviewer needs to know the material thoroughly.

Don’t Rush – Allocate sufficient time so that the material may be covered without time pressure.  Calm, patience, and emotional support are crucial for teaching gemara.  The reviewer should avoid interruptions; fathers should try to have chazara time be one-on-one togetherness time.

Incentives Work—When parents offer incentives to a less motivated child, they avoid wasting time and energy motivating him to learn.  Impulsive boys relate better to instant rewards like candy.

Don’t Judge – Fathers should pretend that they are being paid to tutor their son.  When a boy does not know the material, the tutor’s job is to explain it, rather than to blame the boy for not learning it in class.  (If the boy consistently fails to learn the material in class, the parent should contact the Rebbe to find the cause of the problem).

Shakla V’Taria First – It is usually beneficial to have the boy review the oral component of the lesson outside the gemara, peeking in the gemara as needed.  The reviewer should prompt the boy to explain the mishna’s teaching, the gemara’s question, the answer, the proof, and the argument.

Reading Inside – Once it is clear that the boy understands the gemara’s logic, it is time to open the gemara and read the text.  The boy should be prompted to read with expression in order to supply through his intonations the missing punctuation (question, answer).

Allow the Boy to Discover—Chazara is more rewarding if the boy is given time to find things out for himself, whether it’s a question or answer in the gemara’s debate or the meaning of a word in the text.  Part of the chazara agenda is to build the boy’s self confidence in his ability to learn even if he is does not perform well in the classroom.  Therefore, the reviewer should look for opportunities to praise.

Give Priority to Kriya –  If there is not enough time to complete both aspects of the chazara, priority should be given to reading text inside, because this is the skills-building part.  If the boy fails to grasp the gemara’s logic, he is missing out only on that lesson; if he does not learn how to read the gemara, he will suffer in the next grade.

Be Proactive–If the reviewer sees that the boy has a problem, he should approach the Rebbe, rather than expecting the Rebbe to call first or to detect and deal with the problem on his own.  For example, the boy might not know his lessons because he is frequently tired in class.  This is a problem that the parents need to be involved with.

Mothers and Chazara

Given the importance of the skill building aspect of chazara, the mother should step in as reviewer if there is no alternative, since review on one’s own is nearly useless.  Mother may look inside a translated gemara with punctuation to check that her son is reading correctly (women may consult their own Rav if they are uncomfortable with this psak).  Aside from forcing the boy to actually review, this also conveys to her son the importance of gemara and chazara.

If the Boy is Having Difficulty

It is extremely important for parents to be aware when their son is having trouble grasping the material and to be ready to intervene.  Once a boy experiences consistent failure, it is very hard to motivate him to keep trying.  This sense of failure may poison other aspects of the boy’s life.  Therefore, interventions should be started as soon as problems are detected, after consulting with the Rebbe and/or the Menahel.

Making the Material More Manageable

Use a Gemara with Punctuation—This study aid makes a big difference for boys who have trouble reading text.  Practicing with the nekudos habituates the boy to the Aramaic pronunciation system so that he will learn it more easily.  Once he adjusts to Aramaic, he will not need this support..

Reduce the Assignment— Success motivates: review less material to ensure that the boy masters a subset of the lesson.  Ask the Rebbe if the boy might be tested on only the mishna and a few lines of the gemara that follows.

Enrich the Chazara—Techniques for the reviewer to adopt include: creating word lists, punctuating photo-copied gemara, using physical props (blocks, toy animals, cash), making the case into a story, and updating the sugya to contemporary situations (e.g. ox=car).

Pre-teach the Material—Some boys benefit from being familiar with the material before they encounter it in class.  This allows them to participate in class discussions and builds self-confidence.   Pre-teaching becomes a problem if the boy thinks he knows the material and therefore fails to pay attention in class; parents should warn the Rebbe in advance.  To avoid this, it is best to pre-teach to the boy’s specific weaknesses, e.g. basic logic concepts or vocabulary.  Pre-teaching in the summer should only be done for boys who are motivated; the unmotivated are burnt out by the end of the academic year and need to relax.

Hire a Professional—Discussed in more detail below.

Switch Yeshivas—Sometimes, the boy’s best chance to succeed is to attend a Yeshiva (junior high or high school) better suited for his needs: i.e., a smaller Yeshiva or a Yeshiva that specializes in teaching boys with learning disabilities. Rebbeim with special needs education know how to use a variety of techniques to help boys grasp gemara content.  For example, a Rebbe might create a “road-map” of the sugya, diagramming and color coding the give and take of a complicated machlokes (debate).  A Rebbe in a standard classroom does not have time to break down and transcribe each piece of gemara.

Hiring a Professional Tutor

Tutoring, typically done by Rebbeim, is expensive–$30 – $50 per half hour session.  Usually, parents begin by paying for two half hour sessions per week at their home or at a Bais Medrash; they may need to increase to three or four times per week.  The Menahel of their son’s yeshiva is a good source of recommendations, as are parents with sons with similar challenges.  The tutor must be matched in skills and temperament to the boy’s needs: some boys need a strict disciplinarian, others, a softer tone.  A good tutor is able to detect and address the source of the boy’s difficulties; he also knows motivation techniques and how/when to push or to hold off with a weak student.

Tutors are far more effective when they regularly speak with the Rebbe.  In addition, it is the parent’s job to check with the Rebbe that their son is truly benefiting from the tutoring.  While deep seated problems cannot be fixed quickly, some slight signs of progress should appear within a few weeks: improvement in motivations, skills, or behavior. If there is no improvement, parents should consider trying another tutor, since success in tutoring depends on the quality of the “shidduch” between the parties.

If Nothing is Working

Sometimes, despite the best efforts of the parents and their son, the boy simply cannot grasp the gemara.  In such situations, it is best for the parents to give their son unconditional love, find him opportunities to succeed in other areas, and leave off the pressure to succeed in gemara.  The important thing is to try to maintain the boy’s morale so that he may try again in a different environment when he grows older.  There are many mesivtas and bais medrash programs that cater to good boys who have trouble with gemara.

Conclusion

Some boys take to gemara like a duck to water; most need some support and incentives from their parents.  There are boys who will only find enjoyment in gemara after years of effort.  It is the challenge of the parents to appreciate each of their sons, while guiding them to achieving their potential in Talmud Torah.

Selecting a Mesivta

This article is geared towards parents who have sons enrolled in a Yeshiva elementary school and are looking for a Mesivta high school.  A typical Mesivta expects the high school boys to devote many hours to studying Gemara.  General studies (not always offered) are de-emphasized in many Mesivtas.  Once they finish Mesivta, most bochurim usually learn several more years in Bais Medrash, possibly in Israel, followed by marriage and some years in Kollel.

Please note that we are not endorsing Mesivta-Bais Medrash-Kollel as the “correct” path.  There are other valid choices, which may or may not include a college degree.

 

Gathering Information

While the application process usually begins after Chanuka, parents ideally should begin their research much earlier.  There are two components to the research: understanding the needs of their son and learning what types of Mesivtas are available.  At this stage, the object is to decide which type of Mesivta is the most appropriate.

Learning About Your Son

The two major factors that determine which Mesivta is appropriate for a boy are the boy’s level of learning in gemara and the boy’s commitment to learning.  Sometime in seventh grade (or earlier), parents should obtain an objective assessment of their son’s learning ability.  An experienced Rebbe is able to tell parents how their son’s academic achievement in gemara measures compared to others in his class, grade, and age group.  It is most essential that the parents perform this research objectively.  Usually, the staff at the boy’s Yeshiva is the best source for this information.

 

It is more complicated to evaluate a child’s emotional attachment to learning and to the “Yeshivish” lifestyle.  Some clues may be obtained by observing the boy’s chevra: are his friends serious learners?  How does he spend his free time?  A good gauge of a boy’s hasmada is whether he spends some of his “off” time on Shabbos or after hours learning.  Rebbeim and the Menahalim may provide helpful knowledge.  The Shul’s Rav may also be able to provide insight, since he sees the boy in a variety of contexts.  Staff at the boy’s summer camp may also contribute a useful perspective, especially for boys who are unhappy in school.

Know Yourself

Parents need to decide what their own derech or aspirations are for their son in ruchniyus   It is not uncommon for a dedicated bochur to eventually surpass the learning level of his father. Although most parents are proud of this achievement, parents need to understand that their child may now follow the hashkafa of the Mesivta. They will need to come to terms with the possibility that he may prefer to avoid participating in family activities that he no longer deems appropriate, for example, watching movies or attending sports events.

In addition, if parents would like their sons to attend college, they should keep this in mind when doing their research.  While most Mesivtas do not provide boys with a top notch secular education, they do vary in their attitude towards boys acquiring degrees.  It may cause problems to send a boy to a right wing Mesivta and then expect him to go to college.  In general, it is best for a boy’s chinuch when the parents and the school share the same objectives.

To Dorm vs. To Commute

This is one of the most important questions in selecting a Mesivta.  If the local Mesivtas are not appropriate for one’s child, the boy will have to dorm or to commute.  Commuting brings its own challenges.  Mesivta hours tend to be long—7:30 am until 9:00 pm is not uncommon.  Adding a commute on each end may make the hours intolerable.  A commuter may be socially isolated if most of his peers are dorming or attending other Mesivtas.  Dorming has its variations:  boys may come home every Shabbos, every month, or three times a year.

Prominent Rabbanim and Mechanchim have recommended against high school boys dorming.  However, sometimes, the only Mesivta that meets the needs of a boy is located beyond commuting distance.  Dorming may be the only option.

Dorming has pros and cons.  A dormitory cannot replicate the level of supervision and care that parents typically provide in a family setting.  The ready availability of cell phones and ipods (allowing boys to watch movies) brings temptation ever closer.  It is easier to experiment with self-destructive behaviors when one is surrounded by others doing the same, and the likelihood of being caught is low.  Furthermore, some boys simply cannot manage without parental support or without their private space.  In addition, boys with social challenges may suffer greatly when thrown together 24 hours a day with their peers.

Moreover, even well-adjusted boys who are away from home may lose when deprived of their parents’ chinuch and involvement.  Derech eretz and life skills are more naturally and successfully instilled by one’s parents. When a boy attends a Mesivta that permits bochurim to return home only a few times a year, the parents essentially give up their role in his life.

On the other hand, dorming in a good quality out-of-town Yeshiva provides bochurim with unparalleled opportunities for solid growth in learning.  Away from the distractions of home, living right next to the Bais Medrash, surrounded by peers eager to progress, a boy may rise steadily to his full potential.  Socially, too, the dorm provides great bonding and lasting friendships with great boys.

Parents may discover that their son really wants to dorm.  Typical reasons include a desire to break with elementary school, a wish to make new friends, to follow older brothers out of the house, or to attend a prestigious Yeshiva.  In addition, dorming might be appropriate to remove a child from a sub-optimal situation with parents or siblings.

Types of Mesivta

Today, Mesivtos cater to boys across the spectrum of academic ability and motivation.  Apart from the prestigious Mesivtos that select only the top boys, there are right-wing Yeshivish Mesivtos for boys who are motivated but not at the top of their class intellectually.  Other Mesivtos specialize in motivating boys who have the ability but not the commitment.  There are Mesivtos that work with boys with different emotional or learning challenges.  Some Mesivtos work at inculcating a specific derech.  There are large Mesivtos and very small ones.  Boruch Hashem, there is a tremendous variety and new Mesivtos are opening up all the time.  To learn about the newer options, parents should network with friends, mechanchim, and rabbanim.  The newer Mesivtos are also likely to advertise in Jewish publications.

Elite Mesivtos: Advantages and Disadvantages

Many parents and boys look forward to enrolling their son in the “best” Mesivta, the Mesivta with the highest standards and the great reputation to which everyone else aspires to send their sons.  While these mosdos provide talented and motivated boys with wonderful opportunities to grow in Torah, they are often not equipped to help boys who have social, emotional or hashkafa challenges.  It may be difficult for boys with poor social skills to succeed in these Mesivtos, since they rely heavily on long stretches of unstructured learning b’chavrusa.  A boy who is unable to network to find good chavrusas is at a disadvantage.

Secular Studies

Some Mesivtos that put a serious emphasis on secular studies are less likely to attract as many students who take their learning extremely seriously. Most bochurim who put the time and effort to excel in their learning are primarily interested in pursuing their Torah studies and finding a career in learning or chinuch.  They see no reason to apply to a Mesivta that will force them to study math, science, and language arts.

Parents who want their son to have some exposure to secular studies in Mesivta should investigate this part of the day when researching individual Mesivtos.  In practice, Mesivtos vary immensely in what takes place during secular studies periods.  While no right wing Mesivta offers a rigorous general studies curriculum, some Mesivtos are stricter than others in enforcing discipline and making sure that their bochurim make the most of what is available.

 

Researching Individual Mesivtos

Yeshiva Placement Services

There are people who specialize in matching boys to the right Mesivta.  These services are useful for parents who are not sure where their son belongs.  They have extensive knowledge of different Mesivtos, including the smaller ones, and they are very experienced with children who do not fit the mold.  Parents may consult with their Rav or with staff at their son’s elementary school to get in touch with these professionals.  It is essential that the placement professional meet with the boy and his parents in order for his advice to be effective.  The service, often provided for free, usually includes help in making the placement happen: contacting the school, arranging the interview, and advocating for the child.

Collecting Information

It pays to speak to many people, including parents and mechanchim.  When speaking to other parents, keep in mind that their children may be very different from yours, and therefore, their experience may not apply to your son.  Boys may wish to speak to older friends who are attending a possible Mesivta choice.

If it is likely that their son will dorm, parents must find as much information as possible about the level of supervision.  One question to ask is how the bochurim spend their time on those long Friday nights Shabbos afternoons, and Motzai Shabbosos.  Does the Mesivta provide them with enjoyable and wholesome activities or do they just hang out?

Boys usually develop better in a “happy” place.  If practical, the father should visit Mesivtos during breaks and recess.  Are the boys playing, joking, schmoozing?  Maariv is also a good opportunity to learn about the older bochurim.  How serious is the davening?  How do bochurim react to an unfamiliar adult?  Do they offer a chair?

When researching Mesivtos, parents should keep in mind that the character of an institution may change fairly quickly.  Information from more than a year or two ago, may be out-of-date.  If the Mesivta is new, and especially if it specializes to a specific need, parents must visit the place to ensure that their information is accurate.

The Importance of Chevra

A very important component of the Mesivta’s chinuch is going to be the quality of the boys attending the institution.  They have more influence on a child than the staff.  Parents should look for a student body that includes boys who learn well and/or have good middos.

Menahel and Rebbeim

Getting off to a good start is important.  The ninth grade Rebbe may have a crucial impact on a boy’s success in Mesivta.  A warm, welcoming Rebbe may make a huge difference for a nervous ninth grader.

Different Mesivtos have different styles or philosophies in their interaction with bochurim.  They range from “hands off” (we provide the setting, you provide the learning) to highly involved (we take responsibility for your success).  While boy who are socially, spiritually and intellectually adept will thrive in any setting, boys who have weaknesses may need a Mesivta staff with a great degree of commitment to the talmidim.  Problems do arise, and parents may consider it important to know that the Mesivta will do its best to help.

What Resources are Available?

Different boys have different needs.  For some, it is important to learn in an environment that includes a vibrant Bais Medrash program.  It enhances the Mesivta experience when there are older boys to learn with or just to serve as role models.  Some boys may need access to trained professionals to help them overcome their specific challenges, physical, educational, or emotional.  A nurturing community may be an asset, too.

The “Square Peg”

In most classes there are a few boys who do not fit in, perhaps because the Yeshiva or class is not a good match for him, or because he has his own challenges.  It is especially crucial for these boys to find the right high school, since they are often the most vulnerable.  The Menahel and Rebbeim are often able to guide the parents towards Mesivtos that best for their son.  Generally, the Menahel has a good feel for which boys will fit into which Mesivtos.  However, for some boys, there are no easy answers.  Parents may be uncomfortable with the Menahel’s recommendation.  Parents may know their son better or they may be biased.  In this situation, it may be best to consult an outsider—a Yeshiva placement service or a Rav who is familiar with the student.

 

The Application Process

Elementary schools usually encourage parents to wait until after Chanuka before applying to Mesivtos.  Parents typically set an appointment with their son’s Menahel to ask for his advice about which Mesivta(s) are appropriate for their son.  An experienced Menahel will have a good idea as to which institutions will be likely to accept their child.

Once the parents have decided which Mesivta(s) they would like for their son, they need to contact the Mesivta to procure an application form.  It is wise to apply to more than one Mesivta.  Even well-qualified candidates are not guaranteed a place in the Mesivta of their choice.  Mesivtos often are looking for specific qualities beyond raw learning ability.  These chinuch institutions may prefer to stick with a certain type of child whom they know they may educate successfully.  Moreover, certain Mesivtos receive so many applications that they must reject promising applicants.  It is probably better to apply to no more than three places, since the farhers are stressful for both the father and the son.

The application process involves two parts: the parents complete their forms and the elementary school sends the boy’s information.  The Mesivta may contact the Menahel and/or Rebbeim to find out more information about the boy.  It is at the discretion of the school staff to decide whether to “push” for the boy’s admission or to hint that this is not a good fit.  This is one reason to heed the Menahel’s recommendations about which Mesivtos would be most suitable for one’s child.

Dormitory Mesivtos mandate that each applicant spend a Shabbos there.  Spending Shabbos at the Mesivta is an effective way to study the dynamics of the place.

The Farher

After the Mesivta processes the boy’s application they contact the family to schedule a farher or interview/oral examination.  Most Mesivtos allow boys to select the gemara on which they will be tested.  It is a good idea to ask how much material they expect the boy to prepare: it may range from an amud to a daf.  Boys are usually asked a few general questions, too.  The higher the level of the Mesivta, the tougher the farher.  In such Mesivtos, the interviewer is more likely to ask difficult havana-related (comprehension) questions in order to learn how the boy thinks.

Some Mesivtos expect less from the boy at the farher; they want to know the boy’s strengths and weaknesses.  Some of these Mesivtos are willing to rely on the report card and the Rebbe’s report rather than subject the boy to a formal farher.

Both the father and the son should dress to match the Mesivta’s style.  The father is expected to stay in the background.  If the boy is not too nervous, he should try to be open and willing to express himself.  Parents should be aware that farherers are usually highly experienced; often interviewing 150 boys a year.  They should not think that they can fool the farherer into thinking that their son is something he is not.  If the boy has not been working seriously on his gemara in seventh and eighth grade, he cannot compensate by preparing intensively just for the farher.  That said, it is essential that the boy know the specific piece of gemara he is being tested on as thoroughly as possible.  He only has one oral exam.

An added source of stress during the application process is that some Mesivtos provide their answers earlier than others.  Some boys wait until April.  It is tough for a boy to wait weeks for a reply, knowing that his classmates have already been accepted into the Mesivtos that they have chosen.

Making the choice

If a student has been accepted into more than one Mesivta, parents need to decide how to choose.  At this point, it may be easiest to let the boy himself decide; if the boy knows that it was his decision, he will be more likely to make it a success.  Boys often want to go with their friends.  There are advantages to starting in a new place with some friends.  While boys make new friends easily in Mesivta, given the crucial role that chevra plays in a person’s development, parents who are happy with their son’s current chevra may prefer the security of knowing he is with good friends rather than relying on the unknown type of friends he will find.  The best insurance is to send your son to a place where you have some knowledge about who else is going.

One factor in favor of choosing the highest level Mesivta is that generally, the higher the level of the learning, the higher the quality of the boys.  While bad influences may exist in every Mesivta, there are likely to be fewer where the boys have the commitment to take their learning seriously enough to be admitted into an elite institution.

Potential Consequences of a Wrong Placement

When a boy is placed in a Mesivta beyond his academic level, the boy may manage to “hold on” at the beginning, in ninth grade, since boys start out roughly at the same level.  As the years progress, the brighter boys will pull ahead, advancing steadily in their ability to learn and in their commitment to learning.  Meanwhile, the weaker boy will experience growing levels of frustration, anger, and depression as he simply cannot make the grade.  Frustrated in his Mesivta life, the boy may turn to outside distractions: media, stimulants and inappropriate activities.

A boy whose academic ability entitles him to a place at an elite Mesivta, but whose aspirations do not match those of the more Yeshivish boys may feel increasingly alienated from the learning and the spirit in the Mesivta.  He will not meet his emotional and spiritual needs.  On the other hand, a boy who has great aptitude in learning but a lower level of commitment may find the shiur in a lower level Mesivta boring, because it was designed for boys who find learning gemara challenging.  Boredom in shiur is demotivating, too.  Unfortunately, for some boys, there are no easy answers.

In general, a boy who is enrolled in a Mesivta that is beyond his level is liable to suffer long term psychological and/or spiritual damage.  That said, a highly motivated boy may succeed in an elite Mesivta despite being on a lower level academically, as long as he is able to handle being at the bottom of the class.  Such a boy may thrive in the atmosphere of the Yeshiva and benefit from the good chaverim to be found there.  Parents must consult carefully with their son’s Rebbeim before making such a decision.

Switching Mesivtos

Transferring from one Mesivta to another is feasible, but this might require persistence on the part of the parents, since many Mesivtos discourage applications from transfers.  A boy may develop during his high school years and desire a more challenging curriculum.  Sometimes, it is clear that a boy tried to succeed in his Mesivta, but it simply “wasn’t a good shidduch”.  If the boy’s current Mesivta respects him, they may facilitate his switching.  Boys do change during their high school years, and the Mesivta that was right when he was thirteen may not work for him when he is fifteen.  Parents may benefit from consulting with organizations that help with Yeshiva placements to facilitate the switch.

Choosing a Mesivta—An Opportunity for Growth

Elementary school often has an unavoidable “one size fits all” aspect, since younger children are not going to dorm and commuting is more difficult for them.  Therefore, a variety of children are forced together for nine years.  When the high school years approach, the parents and their son should look for a school that fits their son’s personality, hashkafa, and academic level more closely.  Once their son passes through the adjustment period, he may find it exhilarating to finally attend the place where he belongs.  With Hashem’s help, parents will enjoy the nachas of seeing their son develop into the person he is meant to grow into.

But I Need It!

But I Need It!  Tips on When to Hold Firm, When to Give In

 

It is normal for children to ask their parents for non-essential items, such as expensive toys, designer clothing and accessories, and electronics.  The parents’ challenge is to decide whether or not to give their child what he/she wants.  As there are no blanket rules, we collected tips from parents, counselors, and educators.

 

It’s a Balancing Act

Parents need to balance between their desire to please their children, a concern about spoiling them, and the family’s finances.  In general, it is not a good idea to give in regularly to children’s requests for expensive non-essentials, because this ill prepares children for the real world in which one needs to work in order to attain.  Most importantly in the short term, overindulgence often leads to behavior problems in children, since it prevents them from learning to abide by limits.

However, it is not healthy to consistently deny a child’s requests, since this builds a sense of deprivation which may lead to resentment.  When resentment builds inside a child, it impedes healthy development and may cause long term damage to his/her relationship with the parents.

 

No Blanket Rules

The most important principle in parenting decisions is to know your child and his/her needs.  There are no fixed rules for every situation.  If one’s child seems to be chronically unhappy or misbehaved, parents may need outside opinions to determine whether they are being overly strict or overly indulgent.  Close relatives, the family Rav, or the child’s teachers may be helpful with this.

Sometimes it is a good idea to consult Da’as Torah before making a decision.  Parents may be reluctant to acquire an item because of hashkafa or financial reasons.  A Rav or Rebbetzin (preferably one who knows your child) can help assess whether it’s appropriate to give in or to stand firm.

Factors for Parents to Consider

Child’s Age – Parents have more flexibility with younger children.

Sibling Rank – There is more to lose by giving in to the older siblings in the family, since this sets the pattern for the rest of the children.  Younger siblings, on the other hand, are more likely to need the feeling of empowerment engendered by having their request granted and they may be inclined to feel they are being treated “like a baby” when their request is refused.

Child’s Social Standing – The more self-confident and socially successful the child, the less they need material things to boost their standing.  Children who stand lower in their society may need items that other members of the group possess.

Social Context –If everyone really has it, parents probably need to seriously consider getting it or a legitimate alternative.  It is useful for parents to get a sense of the social norms by speaking to other parents and by observing other children.

The Child’s Nature–Children differ in how much they notice what other people wear or use.  Some people have a stronger inborn need for material items than others.  Girls usually have more needs than boys, since, aside from peer pressure, they often have an innate desire to look their best.  Nevertheless, parents do have a responsibility not to create a bad habit or to cultivate an existing bad character trait.

Techniques for Parents

Negotiate

When children contribute in some way towards earning what they request, many of the negative effects of giving in are mitigated.  Children may earn money by cleaning cars for Pesach, babysitting, running play groups, cutting lawns, shoveling snow, etc.  There may be money available from birthdays, afikomen presents, and the like.  Children may also earn the item by achieving goals in school work or behavior.

Another compromise is for parents and children to brainstorm to find lower cost alternatives—non-designer versions, discount stores, or second hand.  Delaying gratification is another option, assuming that the item fits into parental hashkafa and financial constraints.  For example, parents may tell the child, “When you grow out of the shirts you have now, we can start getting you the other kind of shirt.”

When Saying NO

When we do need to say no to our child, we should do it with a warm, empathetic attitude and not with anger and frustration.  For example, the parent might express sympathy for the child’s desire for the object: “I see that you must really like that color/design …”   It is important for the parent/child relationship that the parent communicate that he/she heard and understood the child’s request before rejecting it.  In summary, parents should try to validate the need and to reject the request, not the requestor.  If it is for financial reasons, parent may mention their economic constraints, but it is better to avoid being too explicit, since this may cause the child anxiety.

Plan before Shopping

Parents are more likely to be pressured into purchases while they are shopping with the children.  Unpleasant scenes and bad decisions are more easily avoided if parents make sure that neither they nor the children are hungry, hot, or tired while shopping.

Managing expectations means spelling out to the children exactly what one intends to purchase at the store, e.g.  we will be looking for one Shabbos outfit.  It is also helpful if parents set a fixed policy about how much money they are willing to spend on impulse purchases.  Sales are a potential problem—children may argue about losing real savings by not buying now.  Sales are a potential problem—children may argue about losing real savings by not buying now.  If this scenario occurs often, parents will need to decide whether or not to forego savings in order to eliminate pressure to make hasty decisions.

Defer Making a Decision

It is a useful practice for both parents and children to have a policy of not always granting or refusing a request immediately.  This helps to defuse an emotional situation and allows parents to think and consult before they decide.  In addition, over time, a child might be distracted from his/her desire.

Budget

For older children, deciding on a set amount of money for different expenses, e.g. clothing for Yom Tov, reduces conflict with the parents.  This way, the children set their own spending priorities, and learn from their experiences.

Parents may also demonstrate budget concepts to children by pointing out how many “regular” items they can buy for the price of one designer piece.  They might also help children explore the difference between the standard and the designer versions.

Prevention

Once children identify themselves by what they own, it is difficult to change their attitudes.  Parents who wish to reduce materialism in their children for hashkafa or financial reasons must work through prevention.

Start When Young

Set boundaries from the beginning with toddlers when they want things in stores.  Parents may begin teaching preschoolers the difference between needs and wants.  For example, when the child demands a cookie after a meal, the parent may counter: “Do you need the cookie or do you want the cookie?”  In general, when limits are set early, expectations are kept in check, leading to more harmony between the children and their parents.

Make Children Feel Special

Often children with a strong desire for materialistic things are suffering from low self esteem.  Recent studies have also demonstrated that the reverse is true: as self-esteem rises, materialism decreases.  When children feel that their parents appreciate them and understand their needs, they feel less need for things.  Little surprises, especially when a child showed extra effort, demonstrate gratitude.  Find ways to reward achievement.  This allows parents to decide when and how to “give in” and indulge their child.

Focus on the Children

Ideally, parents should avoid using electronic gadgets, cell phones, email, and games, when spending time with their children.  This conveys to children that relationships, rather than gadgets, are their parents’ priority.  Parents may also experience more success with their children by simplifying their lives to reduce distracting commitments or activities (including social engagements).  Where children see that they are their parents’ priority, they have less need to bolster their self esteem through material possessions.

Choose Carefully Where to Live

The neighborhood and the school usually determine the children’s desired lifestyle.  While there is some leeway to spend a little more or a little less on one’s children, it is risky to deviate much.

Offer Alternatives

If the parents refuse their children entertaining gadgets, they need to offer alternative entertainment: fun, wholesome activities.  If parents cannot procure kosher, affordable, and engaging activities, children may feel deprived and turn to undesirable activities.

Avoid Embarrassing the Children

For mothers, it is especially important to cultivate a dignified, put-together look, within their means, that shows self respect.  It is also important for the parents to conform to the general style of dress of their social circle.  If the parents stand out, the children may be embarrassed and look for other role models or they may be lured to more expensive lifestyles.  Some children are more sensitive to and aware of these issues than others.

Useful Attitudes to Model

Moderation in Purchasing Things – By demonstrating to children how one makes purchasing decisions, deferring purchases or buying the less expensive item, one teaches without preaching.  Shopping for household items is a good opportunity to discuss quality in relationship to cost – do we buy something because it has someone’s name or brand on it?  Or do we buy it because of value?  Ideally, parents should explain their general approach about what their standard of living should be, given budgetary constraints.  Clarity in this area makes it easier for parents to inculcate their values to the children.

Valuing People for Themselves—and not for what they have.  It may be good policy to stay silent and not admire someone’s fancy purchase or celebration or, perhaps, to praise other qualities in the purchaser.

Simchas Hachayim—Point out to the children the good things in their life.  When parents demonstrate contentment with their own lot, children are more likely to be satisfied with what they have.

Conclusion: The Importance Of Keeping Up/Down With The Cohens

A dominant theme we encountered in researching this article was how little room parents have for maneuver.  Perception is reality, and once a child thinks he/she needs an item, that item becomes a need, no matter how expensive or inappropriate it is.  This puts the onus on the trendsetters in our community.  While it is easy and it seems safer to simply give one’s children what they want if one possesses the financial means, this sometimes creates real problems for other families.

When parents casually give in to a child’s want, they may be creating real needs for other people’s children.  The sums of money are huge: designer clothing and electronic gadgets may run to hundreds of dollars per item, multiplied by the number of children in a family.

The escalation in material standards is not always due to the parents.  It takes great commitment to explain to the loving grandparents (or other relatives) why they should not give one’s children that item that is all the rage in their other grandchildren’s community.  Nevertheless, it is a very high level of tzeddoka, to spare other parents much financial distress and anguish.