Teaching Our Daughters to Daven–Tips for fostering sincere prayer
Whereas men have the obligation to daven three times a day, preferably with a minyan, a woman’s obligation is less defined and less structured. Nevertheless, we want our daughters to include prayer as an important part of their lives, and we want their prayers to come from the heart. Inculcating these values is a subtle process. Moreover, every child is unique and one method may work for one child but not another.
Encourage, Don’t Force
A consistent message emerged from the mechanchos and experienced parents whom we interviewed regarding girls davening. It is preferable that girls not be told what to daven or how long to daven. Ideally, girls will remember to daven on their own or when they see their mother daven. Depending on the daughter and her relationship with her parents, the parents may gently remind and encourage a younger girl to daven. Around Bas Mitzva age, it may be better to stop reminding the girl.
Parents who would like their daughter to daven a minimal subset of the standard davening at any age may consult with their own Rav to determine this minimum. Parents should seek guidance if issues or differences of opinion arise.
The issue typically arises on mornings when girls do not have school. While mother might expect her daughter to daven the full school davening, this is more than many girls are able and willing to do on their own. Yeshiva staff find it difficult to keep their girls davening nicely, even as a group singing together and with incentive programs. Pressuring one’s daughter to daven more than she wishes may cause the girl to resent prayer or to pray without sincerity.
One strategy is to tell the daughter that she decides how much and which part of the davening to pray, but that she should do her very best with that davening. This way, the child feels that she “owns” her prayer time. It is best for parents not to check on their daughter’s davening—the girl should see prayer as something private between her and her Creator.
A quote from a distinguished educator summarizes this attitude:
“The main point – the ikkar – is that davening is a privilege; not an onerous duty. We’re not doing Hashem a favor when we daven; we’re doing ourselves a favor.”
Promoting Prayer
While coercion might be counter-productive in the long term, there are strategies that parents may adopt to encourage their children to daven.
Preschoolers
Mother can set a good foundation by singing the davening together with pre-schoolers. It is nice to coordinate with their playgroup Morah; this reinforces at home what the child is absorbing during the week.
Build Davening into the Routine
For days when school is not in session, it is helpful to build davening into the framework of the day. One mother used to provide a specific “davening treat” that her little children could take as soon as they finished davening.
Encourage Participation in School Incentive Programs
Morahs usually send checklists of desired activities, including davening times, with their students each weekend and before Yom Tov, especially for the younger grades. These incentive programs are more effective when parents remind their daughters, fill out check boxes, and make sure the forms return to school.
Get the “Right” Siddur
While providing their daughter with the same siddur they use in school works best for younger girls, older girls may appreciate choosing their own siddur. Parents might bring their daughter to a Judaica store to help her select the siddur that meets her needs, i.e. with English on her level. English instructions may be useful to a girl who has trouble following the service in Shul.
Model Prayer
Make sure that children see their mother davening and observe how mother takes it seriously. On the other hand, mother should make sure that her davening does not impose an undue burden on the household by davening at length during a chaotic situation.
Bring Hashem into Daily Life
When parents speak in terms of everything coming from Hashem, they make it clear that cultivating a relationship with Hashem is worthwhile. This includes expressing one’s prayer for good outcome of one’s efforts and a heartfelt appreciation when plans run smoothly.
Shabbos Morning: Shul vs. Home
How important is it for girls to attend Shul on Shabbos morning? Parents and mechanchos feel that girls should not be forced to attend shul. Girls may benefit from attending shul on Shabbos; however, it is not always in the girl’s best interest.
Helping Mother
By the end of the week, mother may need a rest. Shabbos morning in some families is particularly challenging since younger children do not have school. It may be a higher priority for daughters to stay home and help. On the other hand, mother may choose to send her daughter to shul if she feels that her daughter is gaining much from the experience, even if this involves some sacrifice on the mother’s part.
Enjoying Shabbos/Down time
Parents should try to make Shabbos as enjoyable as possible for their children. Many girls, especially teens, feel pressured during the week, from school work, homework, chessed activities, and helping at home. While taking into account time needed for davening at home and helping as necessary, girls should know that they will have available some down time to sleep late or to relax.
Supervision
Many mothers cannot attend shul with their older daughters because of the needs of the younger children. Before sending a girl alone to shul, parents should think carefully about what their daughter will actually do in shul. Younger girls may not be ready to daven through the entire Shabbos morning service. Often, they do not know the procedure: what to do and when. Unless there is someone to guide them, girls might to daven a little and then talk or play. In general, shul attendance is not spiritually productive when children are not ready; moreover, it may encourage bad habits.
Note: A child who goes to shul is not supervised unless s/he is sitting next to father or mother (or a surrogate) the entire time or is attending a youth program. Lack of supervision may lead children into dangerous situations, including bullying, and it may cause disruption to the davening of others.
The Quality of the Shul Experience
Tefila B’tzibbur is intrinsically inspiring; kaddish, kedusha, and leining are only experienced with a minyan. Girls who go to shul may be inspired by observing the intensity with which the women daven. Some find it easier to appreciate davening when they hear it conducted by a ba’al tefilla. The spiritual benefit that girls derive from shul attendance depends much on the spiritual level of the shul. If they see a lack of seriousness in their fellow attendees, they might not benefit.
Yomim Noraim and Shul
Many mothers attend shul over the Yomim Noraim, often bringing children with them so that they too may share in the spirit of the day. It is important to know each child’s limit and to respect it. Children find it helpful if they are allowed to bring books to shul and are permitted to go home for breaks (with supervision, as needed).
Conclusion
It is important to allow children to develop spiritually at their own pace in a healthy environment. It may take some patience on the parents’ part, but this approach is more likely to result in the child gaining a deep and sincere attachment to Torah and tefilla.