Tips to make it easier and less expensive to find the “right” clothes

The Importance of Appearances

Girls are judged primarily by their social skills: how popular they are and how well they fit in. External appearance is an important component of a girl’s social persona.  While cleanliness and neatness are the most essential, girls who wear the clothes (when they are not in uniform), accessories, eye glasses, and hair-do that are current in school find social acceptance easier.  By contrast, a girl who looks neglected or wears unusual clothing is at risk for being bullied or socially excluded.  Even when the child does not care what she is wearing, the parents need to dress her correctly.

The Child Who Needs More

Some children need something extra.  Children who feel inferior for academic, social, or physical reasons may benefit from wearing new or special clothing.

Overweight (and sometimes underweight) children often feel acutely embarrassed by their appearance.  Even though it is hard to find clothing that makes them look good, it is very important for improving their self-image.

Where to Shop

Until school age, parents are usually able to find nice outfits in most clothing stores.  Once girls turn five, shopping becomes more complicated, because the clothing becomes trendier and less modest.  Most Yeshivas for girls require uniforms starting from Pre1A (kindergarten).  Uniforms are usually obtained with relative ease and they greatly simplify the question of what to wear to school.  The shopping focus now shifts to finding outfits for Shabbos, Motzai Shabbos, and Sundays.  These outfits are often created by combining elements from frum stores, such as long sleeved shells and long skirts, with other items obtained from outlet and discount chains.  Girls usually prefer quantity over quality; they enjoy wearing cheap tops for a season and then discarding them.

Once the girl grows into petite adult sizes, she has the option to shop at adult stores.  Teens report finding suitable clothing for good prices (during sales) at major department stores, including Macy’s and Lord and Taylor.

Shopping at the frum stores is convenient, since they are attuned with the styles current in the Yeshiva society.  However, parents should be aware that the stores accommodate a variety of tzniyus standards.  Since much depends on the girl’s body shape, it is a good idea to have the girl sit, stand, bend and walk while trying an outfit.

Strategies for Avoiding Conflict

Clothing is an area prone to parent/daughter conflict due to differences in taste, conflicting beliefs in tzniyus, financial constraints, and self-esteem issues.  However, measures may be taken in advance to mitigate the potential for disagreement.

Creating a Healthy Foundation

Choose your Location

The community, the yeshiva, the neighborhood, and the block all heavily influence a child’s standards in materialism and in adherence to tzniyus.  It is unfair to expect children to maintain different standards than their neighbors.  For example, a mother mentioned that her daughters are happy with two Shabbos outfits apiece, because this is what all the girls on their block have.  In other blocks and neighborhoods, however, girls would expect four or five outfits.  An added benefit of living in an area with compatible standards is that children who live near each other are more likely to be placed in the same class within their grade, reducing the likelihood of peer pressure against parental values.

Parenting Issues

Finding clothes for the children involves the familiar parenting challenges of setting limits and being consistent.  It is essential that children feel that their parents are in charge, that their parents want what is best for them, and that their parents are paying attention to them.  Keeping communication lines open and building trust make it much easier to handle the clothing issue.  There are many books, courses (including by phone), and audio materials to help parents improve their effectiveness.

It is also helpful when parents make their children feel intrinsically special for their own qualities, rather than having to resort to the external boost of an expensive or attention-getting outfit.  A healthy sense of self-worth makes it much easier for children to resist peer pressure to wear clothing that parents cannot afford or approve.

Educating the Daughter

The most effective time to impart one’s values to the children is when they are young.  Therefore, mother should occasionally bring the children along when she shops, and explain to them why she is picking this article of clothing and rejecting that one.

It is easier for parents to explain spending less on their children’s clothing when they explain how they are economizing on their own personal spending.

Mother Should Dress Well

Daughters find it harder to trust their mother’s clothes sense when they think that their mother doesn’t dress well.  Moreover, some girls who are embarrassed by their mother’s looks try harder to dress expensively and/or at the cutting edge of trendiness.  Mother should try to know the prevailing fashion and make sure that she is presentable before going out to car pool and errands.

Tips for Avoiding Conflict While Shopping

Do your Homework

Before going shopping, the mother should know the current styles: what’s in, what’s out, what’s cutting edge, and what’s daring.  It is useful to consult with a few other parents and/or school staff and to look around in shul.

Try to Understand

If the daughter asks for clothing that the parents consider outrageously expensive or trendy, parents should try to understand what is behind her request, rather than dismissing it immediately. The girl may be signaling that she needs friends or that she feels inferior.  The need must be dealt with, even if the request cannot be filled.

Make it Relaxed

Shopping with one’s daughter should ideally be a pleasurable outing and an occasion for one on one time.  This may require finding babysitting or scheduling the shopping late in the evening in order to avoid bringing other siblings.  Make sure both mother and daughter have eaten and are physically comfortable.

Yield Where Possible

Daughters are not copies of their mother.  A daughter might prefer a more spirited style or a more subdued look than her mother’s.  If the outfit is not going to damage the girl’s social standing, the mother should give her room to express herself.  This is especially important for school accessories because all girls are wearing the same uniform.  Accessories, including head bands, belts, glasses, and shoes provide them with an outlet.  However, parents should check that accessories conform to school policy.

Avoid Confrontation

An effective technique is to ask the daughter, “Do you think this skirt/blouse meets the school’s rules?” rather than telling her that the garment is unacceptable.

Parents may also defer a purchase decision, “Let’s think about it.  We can come back later.”

Suggesting that the daughter help pay for an item that is over-budget or not to the parents’ taste, is another way to defuse arguments (assuming the propriety of an outfit is not the issue).

Find a Surrogate

It may make life easier if the parents send their daughter to shop with a savvy, but responsible young adult, such as a big sister, an older cousin, or an aunt.

 

 

Handling or Avoiding Tzniyus Conflicts

Foster a Positive Attitude

When boys get their first tzitzes and yarmulke, parents often celebrate the milestone.  Tzniyus typically first arrives officially in the girl’s life when the Yeshiva’s dress code arrives in the mail before she starts school.  Perhaps, parents should celebrate this milestone, rather than expressing resentment at the new rules and restrictions.

Find Out the Underlying Reason

There are different motives for resisting tzniyus.  Younger children, especially, are rarely against tzniyus in principle. Parents should investigate by asking their daughter and by putting themselves in her place.  The girl may be unaware that the clothing is too tight or that the texture makes her uncomfortable.  Different versions or alterations might solve the problem.

Nuances vs. Halacha

Parents need to pick their battles.  Sometimes, the clothing fits within the measurements of the tzniyus code, but through the color, the cut, or the general trendiness, it sends a message distasteful to the parents.  Depending on the daughter’s needs, her relationship with the parents, and how extreme the look is, it may be wise to yield gracefully.  However, parents may need to bluntly explain to their older daughters the nature of the message that the outfit is broadcasting and why it is simply unacceptable.

Use a Tzniyus Arbiter

It is useful for the mother and the daughter to agree on an independent arbiter to judge whether an outfit is or isn’t acceptable.  The father, the grandmother, or a local Rebbetzin may fill this role.

Spend for Tzniyus

Sometimes, the only way to find clothing that is both tzniyusdik and makes the girl look good is to spend more money.  It may be helpful to view this as spending on hiddur mitzvah rather than as an annoying expense.  Moreover, seeing how much her parents value tzniyus sends a powerful message to the daughter.

Use a Seamstress

A talented seamstress can solve tzniyus disputes by lengthening, adding kick pleats, and closing collars. This adds to the cost, but may be worth it to keep the peace.

Look for Educational Resources

If their daughter is having trouble with the idea or restrictions of tzniyus, parents should look for resources, such as audio tapes from educators who specialize in this area.  The principal or mechaneches may be able to recommend material.  Hearing the message well expressed on her level may help their daughter.

Criticize with Humor

Find a funny code-word to discreetly express to the girls that the outfit which they are trying on is inappropriate.  This gets the message across without explicitly criticizing or embarrassing one’s daughter.

Discrepancies between Home and School

If parents have selected a Yeshiva that maintains a stricter standard than they believe in, they may avoid problems by accepting these new standards wholeheartedly.  At the least, they can make it clear to their children that they respect the school’s standards and expect their daughters to comply totally while at school.

On the other hand, if the family maintains a stricter standard than their community, parents may try to instill in their daughters a quiet pride in adhering to their tzniyus level.

Sometime, girls from low-key families find themselves in a class where they feel pressure to wear trendy and/or expensive clothing (e.g. designer labels).  Generally, girls who are self-confident do not need to follow the cutting edge trends in order to find friends.  Being clean, neat and “put together” usually suffices.  However, there are circumstances in which a girl who is experiencing social difficulties may benefit from conforming more to the clothing style of the class trendsetters.  Parents should consult with school staff to help determine whether this is necessary.

Strategies for Saving Money

Sales, Etc.

The winter sales are a great time to buy long sleeve tops for all-year use.  It often pays to get on the stores’ mailing list, use their in-house credit cards, and shop with coupons.  Buying on-line gives access to additional bargains.  Frum stores usually have twice yearly end-of-season sales.  Beware of buying too far in advance, since the styles change and the old look may not be wearable.

Borrowing/Trading

Girls often adore shopping from their friends’ or their relatives’ closets.  Assuming that they share similar standards, parents may wish to encourage this.

Creating Accessories

Girls may create their own belts out of pieces of fabric.  They may also customize inexpensive head bands and shoes by adding their own appliques: flowers, sequins, etc.

Hand-Me-Downs

Take advantage of offers of used clothing from family and friends.  When a family has a long gap between two of their daughters, it is likely that the outfits will be outdated by the time the younger daughter grows into them.  Ideally, family or neighbors should organize a pool of used clothing, with each participant contributing new outfits to replenish the collection.

Gmachs

Gmachs and thrift shops are two practical options. However, girls are rarely willing to enter a gmach clothing store.  Mother may visit out-of-town establishments (e.g. Kupas Ezra in Monsey), buy half a dozen outfits for dollars apiece, and let her daughter select what she wants.  Although the rejects are not refundable, the visit is usually worthwhile if one Shabbos outfit is obtained.  Note:  clothing donated to a gmach is much more likely to be in style, and hence usable, when donated right away rather than spending a few years in storage.

Understanding the Teenage Daughter

“If my mother thinks it’s lovely, then it’s not happening”

Girls are judged by their appearance and their dress, from elementary school through entry to Shidduchim.  To be seen in the wrong clothing may feel like social suicide.  In this context, a teenager may be wary of accepting a clothing item that her mother likes, because how can one expect mother to be fully up to date with the very latest teen clothing style?  Therefore, it may be good practice for mother to avoid “pushing” or praising an article of clothing that she thinks will suit her teenager.

If the parents have maintained a healthy relationship with their daughter over the years, they should probably relax and let their teen express her new sense of individuality as long as it is consistent with their tzniyus standard.  Usually, teenagers want to make their parents proud of them, even while they are trying out new ways to go about it.

When the Teenager Insists on her Own Standards

If a teenaged daughter refuses to adhere to her family’s or her school’s tzniyus code, it may be a sign that something is wrong.  Parents should not delay in contacting the school and/or their Rav for advice about the situation.  The parents may be advised to consult with one of the organizations which have the experience and the expertise to make the recommendations that are most likely to help their daughter.

Conclusion: Raising Tolerant Daughters

Since girls know that they are judged by their appearance, it is natural for them to judge others by their appearance.  This may cause girls to look down on peers who have stricter or more relaxed standards in tzniyus or who are dressed in outmoded clothing.  Parents may counter this tendency by modeling tolerance and acceptance of others.  When classmates are seen wearing inappropriate outfits, parents may explain that each family has its own derech and follows its own Rav and/or that not all parents have the time or money to find the right clothes for their children.