But I Need It! Tips on When to Hold Firm, When to Give In
It is normal for children to ask their parents for non-essential items, such as expensive toys, designer clothing and accessories, and electronics. The parents’ challenge is to decide whether or not to give their child what he/she wants. As there are no blanket rules, we collected tips from parents, counselors, and educators.
It’s a Balancing Act
Parents need to balance between their desire to please their children, a concern about spoiling them, and the family’s finances. In general, it is not a good idea to give in regularly to children’s requests for expensive non-essentials, because this ill prepares children for the real world in which one needs to work in order to attain. Most importantly in the short term, overindulgence often leads to behavior problems in children, since it prevents them from learning to abide by limits.
However, it is not healthy to consistently deny a child’s requests, since this builds a sense of deprivation which may lead to resentment. When resentment builds inside a child, it impedes healthy development and may cause long term damage to his/her relationship with the parents.
No Blanket Rules
The most important principle in parenting decisions is to know your child and his/her needs. There are no fixed rules for every situation. If one’s child seems to be chronically unhappy or misbehaved, parents may need outside opinions to determine whether they are being overly strict or overly indulgent. Close relatives, the family Rav, or the child’s teachers may be helpful with this.
Sometimes it is a good idea to consult Da’as Torah before making a decision. Parents may be reluctant to acquire an item because of hashkafa or financial reasons. A Rav or Rebbetzin (preferably one who knows your child) can help assess whether it’s appropriate to give in or to stand firm.
Factors for Parents to Consider
Child’s Age – Parents have more flexibility with younger children.
Sibling Rank – There is more to lose by giving in to the older siblings in the family, since this sets the pattern for the rest of the children. Younger siblings, on the other hand, are more likely to need the feeling of empowerment engendered by having their request granted and they may be inclined to feel they are being treated “like a baby” when their request is refused.
Child’s Social Standing – The more self-confident and socially successful the child, the less they need material things to boost their standing. Children who stand lower in their society may need items that other members of the group possess.
Social Context –If everyone really has it, parents probably need to seriously consider getting it or a legitimate alternative. It is useful for parents to get a sense of the social norms by speaking to other parents and by observing other children.
The Child’s Nature–Children differ in how much they notice what other people wear or use. Some people have a stronger inborn need for material items than others. Girls usually have more needs than boys, since, aside from peer pressure, they often have an innate desire to look their best. Nevertheless, parents do have a responsibility not to create a bad habit or to cultivate an existing bad character trait.
Techniques for Parents
Negotiate
When children contribute in some way towards earning what they request, many of the negative effects of giving in are mitigated. Children may earn money by cleaning cars for Pesach, babysitting, running play groups, cutting lawns, shoveling snow, etc. There may be money available from birthdays, afikomen presents, and the like. Children may also earn the item by achieving goals in school work or behavior.
Another compromise is for parents and children to brainstorm to find lower cost alternatives—non-designer versions, discount stores, or second hand. Delaying gratification is another option, assuming that the item fits into parental hashkafa and financial constraints. For example, parents may tell the child, “When you grow out of the shirts you have now, we can start getting you the other kind of shirt.”
When Saying NO
When we do need to say no to our child, we should do it with a warm, empathetic attitude and not with anger and frustration. For example, the parent might express sympathy for the child’s desire for the object: “I see that you must really like that color/design …” It is important for the parent/child relationship that the parent communicate that he/she heard and understood the child’s request before rejecting it. In summary, parents should try to validate the need and to reject the request, not the requestor. If it is for financial reasons, parent may mention their economic constraints, but it is better to avoid being too explicit, since this may cause the child anxiety.
Plan before Shopping
Parents are more likely to be pressured into purchases while they are shopping with the children. Unpleasant scenes and bad decisions are more easily avoided if parents make sure that neither they nor the children are hungry, hot, or tired while shopping.
Managing expectations means spelling out to the children exactly what one intends to purchase at the store, e.g. we will be looking for one Shabbos outfit. It is also helpful if parents set a fixed policy about how much money they are willing to spend on impulse purchases. Sales are a potential problem—children may argue about losing real savings by not buying now. Sales are a potential problem—children may argue about losing real savings by not buying now. If this scenario occurs often, parents will need to decide whether or not to forego savings in order to eliminate pressure to make hasty decisions.
Defer Making a Decision
It is a useful practice for both parents and children to have a policy of not always granting or refusing a request immediately. This helps to defuse an emotional situation and allows parents to think and consult before they decide. In addition, over time, a child might be distracted from his/her desire.
Budget
For older children, deciding on a set amount of money for different expenses, e.g. clothing for Yom Tov, reduces conflict with the parents. This way, the children set their own spending priorities, and learn from their experiences.
Parents may also demonstrate budget concepts to children by pointing out how many “regular” items they can buy for the price of one designer piece. They might also help children explore the difference between the standard and the designer versions.
Prevention
Once children identify themselves by what they own, it is difficult to change their attitudes. Parents who wish to reduce materialism in their children for hashkafa or financial reasons must work through prevention.
Start When Young
Set boundaries from the beginning with toddlers when they want things in stores. Parents may begin teaching preschoolers the difference between needs and wants. For example, when the child demands a cookie after a meal, the parent may counter: “Do you need the cookie or do you want the cookie?” In general, when limits are set early, expectations are kept in check, leading to more harmony between the children and their parents.
Make Children Feel Special
Often children with a strong desire for materialistic things are suffering from low self esteem. Recent studies have also demonstrated that the reverse is true: as self-esteem rises, materialism decreases. When children feel that their parents appreciate them and understand their needs, they feel less need for things. Little surprises, especially when a child showed extra effort, demonstrate gratitude. Find ways to reward achievement. This allows parents to decide when and how to “give in” and indulge their child.
Focus on the Children
Ideally, parents should avoid using electronic gadgets, cell phones, email, and games, when spending time with their children. This conveys to children that relationships, rather than gadgets, are their parents’ priority. Parents may also experience more success with their children by simplifying their lives to reduce distracting commitments or activities (including social engagements). Where children see that they are their parents’ priority, they have less need to bolster their self esteem through material possessions.
Choose Carefully Where to Live
The neighborhood and the school usually determine the children’s desired lifestyle. While there is some leeway to spend a little more or a little less on one’s children, it is risky to deviate much.
Offer Alternatives
If the parents refuse their children entertaining gadgets, they need to offer alternative entertainment: fun, wholesome activities. If parents cannot procure kosher, affordable, and engaging activities, children may feel deprived and turn to undesirable activities.
Avoid Embarrassing the Children
For mothers, it is especially important to cultivate a dignified, put-together look, within their means, that shows self respect. It is also important for the parents to conform to the general style of dress of their social circle. If the parents stand out, the children may be embarrassed and look for other role models or they may be lured to more expensive lifestyles. Some children are more sensitive to and aware of these issues than others.
Useful Attitudes to Model
Moderation in Purchasing Things – By demonstrating to children how one makes purchasing decisions, deferring purchases or buying the less expensive item, one teaches without preaching. Shopping for household items is a good opportunity to discuss quality in relationship to cost – do we buy something because it has someone’s name or brand on it? Or do we buy it because of value? Ideally, parents should explain their general approach about what their standard of living should be, given budgetary constraints. Clarity in this area makes it easier for parents to inculcate their values to the children.
Valuing People for Themselves—and not for what they have. It may be good policy to stay silent and not admire someone’s fancy purchase or celebration or, perhaps, to praise other qualities in the purchaser.
Simchas Hachayim—Point out to the children the good things in their life. When parents demonstrate contentment with their own lot, children are more likely to be satisfied with what they have.
Conclusion: The Importance Of Keeping Up/Down With The Cohens
A dominant theme we encountered in researching this article was how little room parents have for maneuver. Perception is reality, and once a child thinks he/she needs an item, that item becomes a need, no matter how expensive or inappropriate it is. This puts the onus on the trendsetters in our community. While it is easy and it seems safer to simply give one’s children what they want if one possesses the financial means, this sometimes creates real problems for other families.
When parents casually give in to a child’s want, they may be creating real needs for other people’s children. The sums of money are huge: designer clothing and electronic gadgets may run to hundreds of dollars per item, multiplied by the number of children in a family.
The escalation in material standards is not always due to the parents. It takes great commitment to explain to the loving grandparents (or other relatives) why they should not give one’s children that item that is all the rage in their other grandchildren’s community. Nevertheless, it is a very high level of tzeddoka, to spare other parents much financial distress and anguish.