From Chinuch

Raising Respectful Children

 

One of the great gifts that parents can give their children is the ability to relate to others with genuine respect.  This is a significant challenge in a world where rebelliousness and extreme individualism are encouraged.  This article, geared to parents of young children, provides tips and strategies to set a healthy foundation for inculcating appropriate attitudes.

Why Respect is Important

The Need for Authority

Most children crave structure for a variety of reasons.  Deep down, they know that they are not competent to run their lives on their own.  In order to feel safe, they need to feel that adults are in charge.  This is why many children tend to keep pushing boundaries until they experience “push back” from authority.

Chutzpah as a Handicap

Lack of respect for others leads to problems for the child now and later as an adult.

Transmitting the Mesora:  Our values and tradition are based on the parent/child and teacher/student relationship.  An essential component of these relationships is the respect, admiration, and awe that the child or student has for the parent or a teacher.

Promoting Arrogance: People who are accustomed to saying what they want without regard to other’s feelings or station in life are seen as arrogant and unpleasant.  Disrespectful children are more likely to grow into adults who make difficult spouses and coworkers.  Moreover, arrogant people are less likely to benefit from life experiences because they react more often with anger rather than letting the lesson sink in.

While chutzpa is a problem in itself, it is often a symptom of underlying issues that are more urgent and need to be dealt with first.  Once those are resolved, if the disrespectful behavior persists, parents may be able to work with the child to improve this too.

Causes of Disrespectful Behavior

The educators, therapists and parents interviewed concurred that there is always an underlying reason for a child’s disrespectful behavior although it may be difficult to identify.  A common theme is that of a child having an unmet need and not being able to rectify the situation appropriately, either because of immaturity or because speaking respectfully hasn’t brought results.

Environmental

  • Young children get physically and emotionally depleted easily. After spending a day in preschool, a child may be unable to maintain appropriate conduct.  Similarly, children are liable to meltdowns when tired or hungry.
  • The child may be copying children who are disrespectful. Some children are prone to imitating the least respectful behavior they observe, including lapses in parental interactions with each other or with authority figures.
  • The disrespectful behavior may be caused by the child suffering from bullying at school, or from physical, emotional or other abuse at home or elsewhere.

Parenting

  • Blurred boundaries between parent and child, where the parent switches from friend to authority figure without warning make it difficult for the child to snap back into subordinate mode.
  • Parents persistently under-reacting (ignoring) or over-reacting (getting upset) to chutzpa leads to more of it.
  • Disappointment with the parents, perhaps because of their breaking promises or commitments, may cause disrespectful behavior. Parents are not always aware of how a child may decide that a tentative plan or a rule was a serious commitment.

Within the Child

  • Poor impulse control, innate aggressiveness, anger management challenges or emotional weaknesses may lead to defiance.
  • The child may not be fully aware of the differences in how one speaks to a parent, teacher, or peer. Parents and educators should take the child’s social maturity and level of social skills into account before determining that a behavior was chutzpadik.
  • The child might not know how to express deep emotions or frustration properly.

Lacking the social skills to apologize or to compromise, a child might resort to defiance from not knowing what to do next when there’s a social crisis.

  • Children who feel neglected, unloved, or treated unfairly are more likely to become defiant. This may occur when there is family member who needs extra care.

Creating a Healthy Framework

Modeling Appropriate Behavior

The most effective technique for teaching children respect is to model it in all interactions without exception: within the family (spouses, small children) and outside the family (neighbors, janitors, mailmen, etc.).

The Parent/Child Relationship

Children are wired to naturally look up to their parents.  In order to maintain this attitude, it is advisable for parents to develop a relationship with their children based on a sense of dignity and authority while simultaneously cultivating a warm relationship so that the child feels that his/her parents love and accept him/her.

Parents should avoid trying to be their child’s peer or friend, because this confuses the child into treating parents like peers.  Instead, parents should see their role as nurturing their child by providing for his/her physical and emotional needs and by imposing a framework that will allow him to develop self-discipline and life skills.  This does not mean that parents should place themselves on a pedestal since this often leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment on the child’s part.  The parents should try to be mentors and role models who are sincerely and deeply interested in the child’s welfare.

This relationship precludes the parent getting drawn into emotional conflicts with the child.  If they play competitive games, the parent should not be out to win but to help the child enjoy him/herself or to improve skills.  Should the child misbehave, the parent intervenes in order to help the child acquire better strategies, not in order to satisfy feelings of anger or disappointment.

Parents make it easier for their children to look up to them by conducting themselves with dignity in the home.  This includes maintaining a standard of dress appropriate for adults.  It may also be helpful to teach the children some of the halachos of honoring their parents: not sitting in their seats, standing up when they enter the room, etc.  However, these practices are best taught and enforced on behalf of others, such as the other spouse or the grandparents.

Boundaries for Children

While parenting involves setting boundaries to keep their children from seeing them as peers, parents themselves need to respect their children’s boundaries.   Parents do not own their children and are obligated to treat them with appropriate respect.  This precludes humiliating, screaming, and other demeaning behavior towards the children.

As little children grow into teenagers, the rules of parental engagement change, with parents being more like guides than directors.

Note: Establishing personal boundaries for children helps protect them against predators. This includes privacy in the bathroom and when dressing.  Allocating personal spaces for children: their own dresser, shelf, etc. also helps them learn that “their bodies belong to them”.

Using Words to Set Attitudes

Children can begin learning respect and gratitude when parents teach them, from the beginning, to say please and thank-you.  The later these terms are introduced, the harder it is to “re-program” the children.  These lessons are better absorbed when parents consistently use these terms also.  As the children grow, they may be taught to say “Excuse me” to request as opposed to demand attention.

Another method for inculcating respect is to train children while they are still young to refer to adults as Mr., Mrs., or Miss.  Where adults may be uncomfortable with such formality, a compromise is to use Uncle/Aunt for close family friends and Cousin as a prefix for relatives.

Setting Family Rules

There is less scope for conflict and defiance if expectations are laid out in advance.  It is worthwhile for parents to take time to think about what is important to them and is worth investing time and emotional energy in enforcing consistently.  Having the toys picked up?  Children in bed on time?   Table cleared and dishes washed immediately after supper?  There have to be priorities.  This is an individual matter to be decided per family.  Rules may be compiled to express the family’s preference.  These rules become red-lines to be enforced.  The fewer the rules, the less scope for disrespect.  Moreover, it is easier to be consistent when enforcing fewer rules.

Implementing a Discipline System

Parenting programs such as Love and Logic (Mrs. Becky Udman teaches a frum version https://www.beckyudmanparenting.com/ ) and 1 2 3 Magic are designed to give parents a system for improving parent/child relationships and instilling obedience and cooperation.  The advantage of such systems is that they decrease the scope for making ad hoc disciplinary decisions which may be swayed by parental emotions.

While these programs have been helpful for many families, educators sometimes find them more harmful than helpful.  Moreover, what works with one child might not be effective with another.  It is a good idea to consult a Rav or Mechanech(es) who knows the children before embarking on one.

The Limits of Respect

While parents are teaching children to treat others with respect, unfortunately, they need to explain to children that if someone (grandparent, sibling, babysitter, neighbor, tutor, etc.) makes them feel uncomfortable, they should try to leave and must quickly inform their parents or another trusted adult.  The principle of automatic respect for elders has been used to cover abuse and children need to be taught “run, yell and tell!”.

The Center for Jewish Family Life/Project YES (845 426-2243) is a resource to learn more about protecting children. Project YES has been at the forefront of efforts to keep children safe from abuse for the past fifteen years. Together with Artscroll/Mesorah, they co-published the landmark child safety book “Let’s Stay Safe,” available in all Judaica stores that carry Artscroll books.

 

Heading off Inappropriate Behavior

Keeping expectations realistic may be a good starting point for managing children’s behavior.  Parents may want to consult Rebbeim, Morahs, and/or a few friends with slightly older children to learn behavioral norms for the children’s age range.  Parents might find The Yardsticks series by Chip Wood helpful as it clearly lays out children’s developmental stages.

Planning Outings

Outings should be planned as much as possible around the children’s needs, schedules, and temperament.  Admittedly, this is less feasible where there are children of different ages and interests.  However, parents may pack food and drinks and include resting time in the itinerary to avoid overwhelming the children.  Children should also be prepared in advance to know what to expect and they should be coached about how to behave.

Picking up Signals

Behavior is communication.  If a preschooler refuses to cooperate to go out in the afternoon, this may mean that s/he’s “had it” for the day.  Consider dropping or rescheduling optional outings or activities.

Preparing for Angry Outbursts

If a child is prone to intense fits of temper (meltdowns), it may help to plan ahead with the child for the next outburst.  Parent and child may prepare a box with calming activities: toys, music, books, solitary games, gum, etc.  Depending on the child’s needs, it may be good to include toys or gadgets that help with sensory integration issues.  A parent can work with the child in advance, perhaps through role playing, to demonstrate how, when the child begins to feel that s/he is losing control, to self-soothe with the contents of the box.  An important advantage of this approach is that this starts the child on the path toward greater self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Children’s books are available that deal with anger; parents may find it useful to read these with children who suffer from anger problems.

Note: It is also important to investigate potential causes. For example, some children struggle with sensory integration and are easily overwhelmed

Educational Resources

Pediatricians or school staff who know the child may be able to recommend books or CDs with proven approaches to handling children with specific issues. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk  (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish) is recommended for using empathy to improve relationships within the family.

Dealing with Chutzpa

The universal rule for dealing with defiance is to maintain composure.  The child has “won” if s/he succeeds in pushing a parent into an emotional outburst.  Parental responses need to be low-key in order to de-escalate the situation.  Where possible, having the other parent deal with the child may defuse a nasty situation.  In general, the worst time to teach children about respect is when parent and child are overwrought.

Parents who find it difficult to regulate their reactions to defiance may find it useful to seek outside guidance.

Very Young Children

When children start to speak, they may begin speaking inappropriately to their parents out of ignorance or from a desire to experiment.  This is the time for parents to explain that “This is not how we speak to Mommy.”

Young children may disobey explicit rules in order get attention or out of curiosity—what will happen if I break the rule?  They are trying to understand how their world functions, what is expected of them, and what happens next.  This is why they are prone to test limits until someone pushes back.

Distraction is often recommended when little children start acting out.  Removing the object, or the child, is feasible at this age.  There is usually an underlying need when the child misbehaves, e.g. a need for exercise.  Finding an alternative activity that meets this need will effectively solve the problem.

As much as possible, parents should try to explain to the child what s/he is feeling and why s/he is misbehaving, whether or not they are able to alleviate the problem.  This in itself may calm the child, since it is scary to have strong feelings that one cannot understand.

Temper Tantrums

A tantrum, as opposed to a genuine loss of control, is a manufactured, manipulative action to take control.  If the tantrum cannot be ignored, an effective reaction is to repeat, very calmly, something along the lines of “We’re don’t do this. Stop it.” over and over again.

If the child totally loses control (a child can work him/herself into a frenzy), the focus should be on keeping the child and the environment safe until the fit subsides.

Avoiding Impulsive Parenting

The first time an unexpected inappropriate behavior occurs, parents may be best off overlooking it and seeing if it happens again.  One’s initial reactions may not be correct and it is better to give oneself time to think it over and to get advice.  Consider if the child truly meant to be obnoxious, or whether s/he simply made an error.  Much depends on the child’s developmental level.  It is generally better to give a child the benefit of the doubt than to label him/her as defiant.

A compromise may be to gently tell the child that this was not the right way to act/speak without labeling him/her as chutzpadik. Later, when the situation is calmer, parents may privately discuss with the child the difference between respectful and disrespectful speech and behavior.

Teaching Respect

Telling people to respect you tends not to work.  Modeling respectful behavior is far more effective in the long run.  In addition, a parent may tell a child to treat the other parent or other adults, especially grandparents more respectfully.

The best time to deal with a child who tends to be verbally aggressive is when parent and child are both calm.  Mother might say, “Let’s practice how we talk to Mommy when we’re angry.”  If it’s a recurrent problem, parents may model an incident, showing the appropriate way to express oneself.  The key is to help the child expand his/her range of possible responses to frustrating or difficult situations.

If a child is casually nasty, parents may tell him/her to apologize and then seek the cause for this behavior.  Should aggressive behavior continue, teaching the child the concept of restitution may be effective. For instance, if the speech hurt a sister’s feelings, a mere apology is not enough. The child must give the sister a good feeling, i.e. a card made especially for the sister or sharing of a toy. This helps the child attune properly into feelings of another person.

Tips for Correcting the Child

  • Make it clear that this for the child’s benefit. It should never be about the parent’s feelings or the parent’s need for respect.
  • Avoid aggressive body language such as towering over the child or speaking in the child’s face. Communication is more effective when the parent speaks with palms out, not down at their side. For younger children, the parent may find it helpful to bend down to the child’s level.
  • Avoid responses that silence the child. The child is trying to communicate a message that the parents need to know and the child needs to feel that the parent wants to understand his/her message.  Some examples: “I very much want to hear what you’re saying; please tell me when you’re ready.”  “I understand that you are really upset that …. I’m sorry I cannot do what you wanted”.  It may be necessary to repeat these lines, calmly, until the child is ready to speak appropriately.

Conclusion

When teaching a child how to ride a bike, the child needs an understanding of the mechanics of the bike. How does it work? How does it get fixed? The history and the philosophy behind the bike may also be important. But, more than just the facts are needed. The parent needs to model the behavior. The parent must show the child how to ride the bike. This concept is the same with behavior.

 

Mesivta Placement for the Less-Typical Boy

 

It is relatively easy to find the right Yeshiva for children who fit neatly into established categories.  However, there are many children who do not fit established educational categories, whether because of strengths and weaknesses or because of life circumstances.

While this article is written for parents of boys looking for the right Yeshiva high school (Mesivta) for their son, much of this material is relevant for parents of girls or of children who may benefit from switching schools. This article was written with extensive input from Rabbi Shmuel Gluck of Areivim, in Monsey, NY.  Rabbi Gluck has decades of experience helping families, including Passaic and Clifton, find the right Yeshivas for their children.

About Yeshivas

Yeshivas vary in size, level of learning, hashkafa, chinuch approach, and teaching style.  Boys also vary in their strengths, weaknesses, and needs.  Therefore, parents have to keep in mind that the Yeshiva that fits one child may be a bad choice for another. Moreover, most Yeshivas are geared for specific types of children.  If the child’s mix of strengths or weaknesses is not standard, for example, a child high on motivation and low on academic ability, there may not be a perfect placement.

Mainstream Yeshivas: “Aleph” & “Bais”

Boys who are good at learning gemara generally apply to the top tier Yeshivas: the “Aleph Mesivtas”.  Aside from being the most prestigious Yeshivas, the boys who attend them are often top boys in motivation and attitude.

Bais Mesivtas are meant for “good” boys (i.e. motivated) who do not learn gemara at the Aleph level.  Many out of town Yeshivas learn at a lower level, since they are designed to serve their local community where the elementary schools are less competitive than those in the tri-state area.

In-town (tri-state area) Bais Yeshivas are more accustomed to boys who grew up in the competitive in-town environment and have been unable to meet the advanced academic standard.  Some of these boys need emotional support and these Yeshivas may be more experienced than the out-of-town versions in meeting their needs.

Mainstream Yeshivas are the “regular” Yeshivas, whether aleph or bais level.  They bring together like-minded, motivated boys and have an effective system in place, where commitment and peer pressure help students meet expectations.

Most mainstream Yeshivas are not equipped for the boy who does not naturally conform to the Yeshiva’s hashkafa and practices.  While their Rebbeim build relationships with their students, those relationships are usually more about growth, than remedial support.  However, there are some mainstream bais (and a few aleph) Yeshivas which are more attuned to a holistic approach, preemptively helping children solve problems and intervening more as partners than as disciplinarians when things go wrong.  These are “supportive” or “mentor-based” Yeshivas.

Specialized Yeshivas

These are the Yeshivas with the high staff/student ratio, the experience, and the commitment to help children with challenges.  In order to provide each child with an individualized curriculum, they tend to be less structured and more creative with what they teach and how they teach it.  They are also more creative with handling behavior problems, seeing these more as opportunities to foster growth than as disciplinary issues.

Since these Yeshivas are designed to help children grow, their student body tends to include children who have individual challenges.  Therefore, parents may be concerned that a stigma may attach to boys who learn there even if they go on later to mainstream Bais Medrash post-high school.  These Yeshivas also have a much higher tuition due to their higher staff to student ratio..

Who Best Knows Your Child?

The Yeshiva placement process usually begins with the parents consulting their child’s Rebbe, principal or other Yeshiva staff who had a good relationship with their son, to find out which Yeshivas they recommend.

Especially when the child is not typical, it is possible that the parents and Yeshiva will have diverging views about the child and about which Yeshivas are most appropriate.  In this situation, parents are best advised to take the Yeshiva’s viewpoint seriously, even if they disagree with their placement recommendations.  Parents must keep in mind that the Yeshiva staff:

  • Sees the child in the context of school. The academic performance and behavior displayed in this Yeshiva is likely to be replicated in the next one.
  • Is vastly more experienced with children and the Mesivta acceptance process
  • Is likely to be more objective than the parents.

Moreover, the child might not be communicating his real feelings to his parents, whether this is to spare their feelings or because of complications in their relationship.  Parents may also keep in mind that Yeshiva staff might be understating problems in order to be diplomatic.  For example, they may say, “We’re concerned that…”, rather than stating “We know that…” in the area of academics or behavior.

Getting Help with Yeshiva Placement

Yeshiva placement services are a valuable resource when parents need more options for their child, where parents question the Yeshiva’s advice, or where the child is very atypical.  Yeshiva placement is usually offered as a free service, often as part of an organization to help children.  Some of the advantages of using their services:

  • They are aware of many more Yeshivas. Most elementary school principals have only a limited number of “go-to” Mesivtas that they know well and are accustomed to working with.  Placement professionals are trusted by the Yeshivas they work with and are more likely to be heard.
  • They have vastly more experience with complicated placements and have a sense of what is most likely to work for the less typical children. A professional may find creative placements for challenging situations.
  • Placement experts are more likely to be up-to-date with what actually goes on at a Yeshiva rather than relying on reputation.
  • The placement service can help the parents and the child with the target Yeshiva, using their influence to have the child accepted and keeping in touch with the Yeshiva and the child to sort out problems that may arise.
  • Children may be more willing to be frank to the placement professional. Rabbi Gluck of Areivim has found that parents tell him that they are looking for a Yeshiva with certain characteristics only to hear from the child that he wants the opposite.  For example, the parents are seeking a “Yeshivish” hashkafa where the child may have already rejected this.
  • The professional may be more attuned to where the child “is really holding”. Rabbi Gluck observes that children’s behavior lags their internal attitude by six months, whether the child is growing or deteriorating.  This means that a child who presently conforms outwardly to the norms of his school may be on a hidden trajectory to different behavior.  For such a child, placement in a mainstream Yeshiva increases the risk of damage.

Yeshiva Placement Services

The placement expert should meet the child in person in order to get a direct sense of the child’s needs. It is best to go to someone who has experience helping children from the child’s community so that he will understand the child’s background and the nuances of his school experience.  There is usually no charge for the placement service, although parents who can afford it should try to donate to whatever organization the professional works with.

A few recommended experts:

  • Rabbi Shmuel Gluck of Areivim, Monsey, shmuelgluck@areivim.com (914) 490 8129
  • Shuli Halpert, Brooklyn, Johalpert@optonline.net, (917) 692 2702
  • Rabbi Binyomin Strauss, Lakewood, (732) 370-2874

Erring on the “Safe” Side

Parents understandably prefer to send their child to the most mainstream Yeshiva that will accept him.  Aside from avoiding stigma and a higher tuition, it feels safer to place one’s child with more mainstream children at a more supportive institution.  However, the “conservative” option may be the one that is the least safe.

The child may be more likely to stick with the more supportive Yeshiva.  A child who is unhappy at school is more likely to leave or be expelled.  Once a child is sent away by a Yeshiva, it becomes much more difficult to place him in another one.  The only institution that may accept him after he is expelled may be even more stigmatizing than the one that the parents had originally rejected.  Additionally, there may be an option to “trade up” to more mainstream Yeshivas if the boy is successful at his first placement.

Many supportive Yeshivas are experienced with keeping students at different motivation levels from influencing each other.  On the other hand, boys who are unhappy at a more mainstream Yeshiva are likely to find each other and share negative attitudes and inappropriate pursuits.

Specialized Yeshivas are more likely to provide their students with the help they need to grow.  Problems that are ignored may well expand and impede the child’s future development including the ability to get married, stay married, or hold down a job.

What about the Academics?

Parents may be concerned that the Yeshiva recommended for their son teaches at a low level in kodesh and/or general studies.  However, the first task for a complicated child may be to recover from the previous school experience.  The child may need considerable time to build self-esteem and acquire essential life skills.  Once this is accomplished, the child may catch up with the academics.

Parents may need to keep in mind that sending a child to a school with a high level of learning or a quality general studies program does not mean that the child will apply himself and reap the benefits of these opportunities.

Any Yeshiva is Usually Better than No Yeshiva

A boy who is in Yeshiva is part of an institution and a set of rules.  Even if the rules are minimal and the child is not learning, he is still part of a system and feels a sense of belonging and accountability.  Unfortunately, when the child cannot or will not attend any school, the child may decide that he can do whatever he wants.  Homeschooling rarely works in the unstructured home environment.

Therefore, as long as being in Yeshiva is not damaging the child, it is better that he try or remain in a non-ideal placement than in no placement.

Placement Pointers for Non-Typical Boys

Motivated but Academically Weak

There are a variety of reasons for a child lagging academically, including learning disabilities, lower intellectual potential or emotional turmoil due to family problems.

Whatever the cause, parents need to keep in mind the possibility that the child may have suffered emotionally from years of failure in school, even if he seems fine.  While the obvious placement for an ehrliche (upright, committed) academically weak boy is a bais Yeshiva, the boy may need additional support in order to acquire good study habits and possibly to help him overcome emotional scarring.

Where the child’s underperformance seems to be due to a home situation, sending the child to a Bais Mesivta far from home can work well.  When travelling home requires a plane ticket, the child spends less time at home and may find it easier to focus on the learning. However, the parents should make sure that there is at least one warm, caring person at the Mesivta who can serve as a “goto” resource to provide the child with emotional support.

It is tempting to try to push an ehrliche but academically weak boy into an aleph Yeshiva so that he can be with the best boys.  This is often a mistaken strategy, setting up the boy for failure and the possibility of resorting to counter-productive behavior, unless the mesivta is experienced in finding ways for such boys to shine.

Socially Weak

Children who tend to get bullied or ostracized need a Mesivta placement that will also give them access to help acquiring social skills.  This may mean looking for an effective therapist along with finding the right Mesivta.

Some children seem socially weak because they lack friends, but otherwise they function well.  They might be introverted and simply not interested in having a social life.  These children may be happiest in a large Mesivta where they can be lost in the crowd and face less pressure to fit into the social scene.

On the other hand, while placement in a large Yeshiva is more comfortable, this may postpone the process of helping the child acquire valuable social skills.  Small classes in mainstream, out of town schools are usually the best option for learning to fit in, since regular sized classes may be overwhelming to the child.

Bullying can be a problem both in large classes which may consist of cliques that exclude loners and in small classes which may be dominated by one or two strong personalities.

Yiddishkeit Challenges

Children who have practical or ideological problems with Yiddishkeit need a Mesivta that is geared to addressing these issues.  Such Mesivtas do exist and each has its own approach to helping these boys.

Emotionally Fragile

This includes the anxious, depressed, OCD, bi-polar, and so on.  Sometimes, symptoms can be managed when the child is in a controlled environment, but this is not long-term solution since the child may fall apart once he’s in the “real world”.  Such children need a supportive Mesivta that also gives them access to quality therapy to begin working on their deeper issues.  Such Mesivtas may be easier to find in larger communities which have more resources than out-of-town communities.

Medical Issues

Where there are medical issues, it may be easiest and safest to stay local.

Non-local Mesivtas may be wary of admitting boys with chronic medical conditions that require medications, such as diabetes, severe allergies, and chemical imbalances.  Parents should first make sure that they have clarity about the child’s medical condition and needs.

Once they decide on which Mesivta(s) is appropriate for their son, they may need an advocate: a principal, Rebbe, or placement professional to help the Mesivta staff understand that they can handle the child’s needs.  Depending on the situation, it may be best to limit full disclosure of the child’s medical issues until the Mesivta staff meets the boy.  Once the boy is admitted, the parents may ask the staff or the local Bikur Cholim for medical referrals.

Should the Child Dorm?

There are many reasons to want to keep boys away from dormitories and under the closer supervision and more wholesome atmosphere of their home environment.  That said, there are circumstances where dorming may be the better option:

  • If the home environment is unstable, unhealthy, or chaotic, children are often better off in a dorm. Children from divorced families are often more comfortable dorming since this helps them blend in with their peers who are also away from their families.
  • Sometimes, the only way for the teenager to get along with family members is to get away.
  • A true masmid (diligent student) may accomplish more in his learning when he lives at the Yeshiva.

If the best placement option for a child with challenges is an out-of-town Yeshiva, parents should not let the dormitory cause them to reject the placement.  Instead, they can check out the dorm’s structure and supervision, keeping in mind that children living at home are not necessarily “safe”.  Children who are prone to inappropriate pursuits may well find them even when living at home.

Commuting to a Mesivta may be difficult, since some children get worn down from the longer hours this entails and it may be harder to sustain.  That said, children have succeeded using this option.  Sometimes, children dorm at the school after the first year or two.

Children who have difficulty getting along with others are often best avoiding the dorm.  If an out-of-town placement is essential for such a child, parents may want to look into boarding options.

Boarding is complicated since it’s crucial to get the right arrangement.  When a boy is placed in an out-of-town Yeshiva without a dormitory, boarding is the only option.  Parents should be wary of having their son placed in a basement, with or without other boys, since this might mean no supervision.  On the other hand, children feel awkward and uncomfortable “being in the way” of family conversations and events.

It is important to check out the family carefully, since having a spare room does not automatically mean that one is qualified to look after someone else’s child, let alone a non-typical one.  While staying with a Rebbe seems ideal, boys often dislike it.

The terms should be spelled out carefully: what the family is to provide and what the child has access to in the kitchen and home.  Parents should also try to arrange in advance what happens should their child get sick and needs transportation to doctors and the like.

Other Factors Affecting Placement

Child’s Preference

Wherever feasible, the child should be allowed to select the placement option that he prefers.  While younger children (under age 9) or compliant boys can be placed wherever the parent chooses, a resentful teen may sabotage his chances at success in the Yeshiva if placed against his will.  Parents may find it helpful to bring the boy to the Yeshiva in advance and give him a chance to get used to the idea of attending.

Parents should be aware that it is crushing to wake up every morning knowing that you are not going to do anything you want to do that day, or for the next four years.  This can lead to anxiety and depression.

Hashkafic Compatibility

Children are more likely to thrive where they are comfortable.  The Yeshiva’s hashkafa is an important part of the environment.  Wherever possible, the Yeshiva’s hashkafa should match the child’s background, assuming that the child identifies with his family’s beliefs.

Conclusion

We are fortunate that there are many Mesivta options for boys graduating eighth grade.  When parents find the right placement for their son, they are able to enjoy the nachas of watching him grow into the young man he was meant to be.  We wish all our readers success in finding the best options for all of their children.

Those Long Friday Evenings

 

Each year, when the clock changes in the fall, we enter the “early Shabbos” period, lasting for about three months.  With Shabbos starting around 4:15PM, most families are finished with their Friday night meal by 8:00.  What happens next?

A Precious Opportunity

Many parents are pressured and time-starved as they juggle work, household duties, various obligations, and their children’s needs.  In addition, they may be distracted by telephone calls, text messages, and emails.  It is very hard to focus exclusively on the children.  Shabbos is the antidote to this problem, since through its restrictions, it provides parents and children with time to reconnect.  It is crucial that parents utilize this opportunity in the most optimal way, since Shabbos is also the prime medium through which young children experience both family and Yiddishkeit.  The earlier years of childhood are the best time to build the bonds to both.

Families employ different strategies to utilize the long Friday nights of winter to their full potential.  Parents should try to be attuned to their children’s response to their chinuch plans.  What works for some children does not necessarily work for others, and children’s tastes are likely to change as they grow older.

Creating A Post-Seuda Experience

Some parents make a quick seuda on Friday night.  This leaves time for a new venue for their weekly get-together with the children.

Forming a Special Venue

A nice idea, especially for younger families, is to have all the children get into nighttime clothing, fetch their sleeping bags, and stage a pajama party.   A blanket draped or tied over some chairs makes an impromptu tent.  Favorite dolls or stuffed animals can be brought in, even by children who have outgrown them.

Post-Seuda Treats

An extra cholent, popcorn, grape juice slush: parents may use their imagination or consult with the children to decide on special food to make Friday nights stand out.

Activities

  • Discuss the week, preferably emphasizing the positive in keeping with Shabbos spirit.
  • Each child suggests a song in turn.
  • Parsha, Divrei Torah, Inspirational Story.
  • Games: Jewish-themed games are the ideal on Shabbos: guessing games or Jewish versions of Lotto and the like.  Some children may prefer classic board games (Monopoly, Sorry, Perpetual Commotion, etc.), puzzles and brain teasers, classic activity games like Simon Says, Red Light/Green Light, Hide & Seek, card games.  If the children don’t seem interested in the family’s games, parents may ask them to inform them in advance about the latest games.  Note that there is a toy library in Passaic: call 973 472 5414 for more information.
  • Acting: Children or parents may stage puppet shows, perform a play, or charades perhaps based on the parsha or on material they are` learning in Yeshiva. A puppet show may be an effective modality for parents to convey a message that their children would not be willing to hear directly.

Having the evening’s activities revolve around a Torah idea: a posuk, a midda, or a mitzvah allows parents and children to be creative while deepening their understanding of an important concept.

Older children might not want to participate but may enjoy reading quietly (and listening in) somewhere in the room.  Later, they might appreciate their own one-on-one time with a parent.

Prolonging the Seuda?

For other families, having a long, leisurely Friday night seuda might work better.  Older children have more stamina to sit at the table and just talk, provided that the conversation is pitched to their interests.  Parents may begin the seuda with singing and parsha sheets pitched towards younger siblings and switch gears after putting the young ones to bed.

Parents may want to take their children’s interests into account when inviting guests for a long Friday night seuda.  Some guests stimulate good conversation and enhance the dynamic around the Shabbos table.  In general, it is advisable for parents to give their children’s needs priority during sensitive times when they are growing up, since this is the best period for fostering a strong, resilient relationship with parents and Yiddishkeit.

Older Siblings

Not every teen wants to bond with parents and young siblings on Friday night.  And, even if they secretly enjoy family-based activities, they may resent having their approval taken for granted.  During the week, parents may ask their teen how s/he would like to “play out” Friday night.

One option may be to invite a friend for a sleepover after the seuda.  For some families, it may pay to split the parenting, with one parent cozying up with the younger children while the other hangs out in another room with the older ones.

Sometimes, it is best to opt out of family-based activities for the teens and organize an oneg instead.  Parents of teens in the same crowd may organize a rotating oneg, serving food, singing, sharing divrei Torah…  Aside from keeping one’s child in a safe environment, this may be the parents’ best chance to meet their child’s friends and learn more about his/her life.

Friday Night Learning Programs

These learning programs offer fathers another option for spending time one on one with their sons.  While reviewing material covered in school is the obvious option, fathers may consider other kinds of learning.  Pirkei Avos, for example, is a good springboard for hashkafa or mussar discussion.  However, fathers should not assume that their sons share their interests, since some boys just want to cover their weekly chazara.  Fathers may ask their sons to suggest topics.

It is a good idea for parents to ascertain whether their sons really enjoy the Bais Medrash experience or whether they want a break from learning.  Some boys need a push to get out of the house, but once they’re at the program, they benefit.  For others, being pushed to learn, in or out of the house, is counter-productive and best avoided.

Note: Single mothers are extremely grateful when men offer to learn with their sons or to take them to shul and look after them.

Discussing Hashkafa

Spending quality time with their children on Friday evenings provides parents with their chance to supplement what the children are taught in school.  Hashkafa, or Mussar or Chassidic-based teachings may enrich the childrens’ spiritual lives.  While children, especially girls, are taught hashkafa in school, this is usually integrated into lesson plans in chumash, navi, and the like.  Therefore, children may not realize how much they are receiving at school.  Discussing topics at home gives children a chance to articulate their positions and explore different viewpoints without feeling judged by their peers or their teachers.  For boys in junior high school this may be their best chance to obtain this type of learning since their Yeshiva curriculum at this age tends to focus mostly on gemara.

Open-ended discussions may be stimulated by having a parent or older child read a meaningful story aloud.  Rabbi Yitzchak Eisenman’s short vorts often work well to stimulate thoughtful conversations.

An Opportunity Missed…

Parents are often very fatigued on Friday nights and may succumb to the temptation to “crash” and sleep from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM.  However, we are finding boys as young as 7th and 8th grade roaming the streets on Friday night, bored and looking for something to do.  The night life in our community contains elements to which parents do not want their children exposed.

Talking About Tzniyus

 

Tzniyus is one of the primary themes in the chinuch of our daughters.  While there are inspiring explanations for this fundamental mitzvah, this post focuses on providing parents with practical tips to help their daughters develop tzniyus as an internal value.  We do not advocate any specific halachic approach to tzniyus observance.  However, our premise is that parents want to raise self-confident daughters who choose their look based on spiritual values as well as fashion and style.

We would like to thank the parents, Mechanchim, and Mechanchos who contributed to this article.  Special thanks to the talmidos and alumnae of our local Yeshivos for their help in reviewing and editing.

Some Challenges of Tzniyus

  • Peer Pressure: Girls face enormous pressure to conform to the norms of their social group.
  • External Influences:  The styles prevalent in general society permeate our community despite our efforts to live an insular lifestyle.
  • Difficulty Finding Appropriate Clothes:  Much of the clothing available in stores or catalogs is not tzniyusdik.
  • Strong Sense of Style:  Some girls see clothing as their creative outlet and do not want to be constrained by rules.
  • Carelessness:  Maintaining tzniyus entails attention to details to make sure that clothing conforms to the standards, continues to fit in a tzniyusdik manner amid growth spurts and is worn correctly.

The Mother’s Role

A daughter’s adherence to tzniyus often reflects that of her mother.  Mothers may consider the following tips:

Decide Your Values

In order to transmit something as complex as tzniyus, mothers must be clear about their own tzniyus practices and beliefs.  This may involve research: reading books, listening to lectures, or speaking to mentors to decide which standard to practice and to choose for the children.

Parents should try to find a Yeshiva with a hashkafa that is compatible with their own.  Once parents choose which Yeshiva and which chinuch they want for their children, the family is best off if they align themselves with the Yeshiva’s approach even if the standard may be higher than what they are currently practicing.  Parents should try to dress in accordance with the school’s rules, especially when they visit the school.

Be consistent

Children are highly attuned to mixed signals from their parents.  Teens are prone to label inconsistent behavior on their parents’ part as hypocrisy.  Therefore, the mother has to be very careful to always dress in strict conformity to the rules that she chose.  If she is always firm with herself, her children will have a stronger grasp of what is right and what is wrong for their family.

Focus on Tzniyus on a Personal Level

For many women, tzniyus is a spiritual journey in which they raise their level of observance as they grow spiritually.  Children are likely to respect their mother and tzniyus itself as they see her efforts to improve.

Tzniyus groups such as Peninim are based on the idea that when mothers raise their standards, this gives girls moral support to adhere to tzniyus.  To find out more about Peninim in the Passaic/Clifton community, contact Mrs. Aviva Gross, (973) 473 – 3824.

Create an Open Relationship with Children

Given today’s challenging chinuch environment, it is essential that parents build an open relationship with their children based on trust and open communication.  Children need to know that their parents love them, want only the best for them, and are genuinely interested in hearing their point of view.  Mothers must make it clear to their daughters that they want their daughters to look attractive and to fit in socially while dressing tzniyusdik.  The message to be conveyed is that tzniyus is for the sake of the children themselves, rather than for the parents’ comfort or social standing.

In the short term, parents may need to ask their Rav whether maintaining the relationship may require compromising on their children following certain rules, including tzniyus.

Keep Up with Clothing Trends

Social survival for girls means dressing according to the fashions prevalent in their class.  Daughters are more likely to respect their mother if their mother can speak intelligently about what is “in”.  And, it’s easier on the mother/teen relationship when the mother dresses nicely.

Introducing Tzniyus

There are different halachic approaches to when girls need to dress according to tzniyus guidelines for wearing skirts, skirt and sleeve length, and socks or stockings.  Parents may find tzniyus easier for their daughter when they start early.

An advantage of inaugurating some tzniyus practices at age three is that this corresponds with the age that boys begin to wear tzitzis.  The daughter can be told that tzniyus is her mitzvah as she comes of age.  Tightening the standards gradually may be viewed as passing development milestones (e.g. “this is your last summer wearing short socks”).  Preschoolers are often excited to start wearing their school uniform and may be happy to incorporate the same standards in the rest of their clothing.

Parents often tell their little girls that they are princesses, and therefore have to dress to a higher standard.  This works until around age six. Many parents have been successful with telling their daughters that dressing in a less tzniyus way does not “pas” or befit such a “chosheve” girl; this is effective for girls who have an innate sense of dignity.

The concept of tzniyus is often best acquired by practicing it.  When parents dress their young children with tzniyusdik clothing, they cultivate a sense of refinement in dress that cannot be conveyed through lectures.  This is also the time to set the norms for the children. Parents may also reinforce the message by admiring their daughter’s appearance: “You look so nice!”, when her clothing conforms to tzniyus guidelines.

More hands-on opportunities to teach daughters about tzniyus arise when mother and daughter go shopping together.   While trying on a questionable garment, the mother may tell her daughter, “I like this dress but I wouldn’t feel good about myself if I’d wear it.”  The daughter should see that her mother also gets tempted and is able to say no.

Promoting Tzniyus

Girls are more likely to internalize the values and practices of tzniyus if the concept is presented as part of an attractive package rather a set of restrictions.  The tips that follow are more likely to be effective if tzniyus is not explicitly mentioned.

  • Invite families and singles who share the parental tzniyus values, dress attractively, and are fun to be with.
  • Starting from the early years, try to help the children develop friendships with classmates who share the family’s values. This may be a factor in deciding where to live.
  • Find chessed activities run by older girls who model the appropriate dress. There are many opportunities in the community for girls to help, including Project Give and Kool Kids.
  • Talk about women who have made a difference in our history and those are currently or recently active in the community, in order to highlight the importance of the woman’s role in a Torah community.

When girls realize that they have potential to have an impact on their world, they may be more willing to see their personality, skills and talents as their predominant means of self-expression as opposed relying only their clothing for this purpose.

Going Shopping

Ideally, shopping should be a pleasant time for mother/daughter bonding. It is a good idea to plan ahead so that both mother and daughter are not stressed by hunger, time constraints and the like.  Shopping may be seen as a fun mitzvah, to find clothing that will make the girl look attractive while following the halachos of tzniyus.

Researching in advance the fashions, the temptations, and the likely scenarios pays off.  This allows mother and daughter to discuss before the trip what is and what isn’t going to be allowed.  It is also helpful to work out a word or signal that mother should use if she feels that a garment is not tzniyusdik, to minimize embarrassment for the daughter.

Finding tzniyusdik clothing is easier in the frum stores, although this is not guaranteed.  It may be helpful to find a role model who dresses stylishly within the tzniyus parameters, and to shop in accordance with her look.  When mother and daughter have a conflict over a clothing item, the mother should begin by validating her daughter’s desire for the garment: “You do look good in it, but what image do you want to present?”  Spending money on nice accessories can sweeten compromises over clothing.

A skillful seamstress (or a family member) may be able to save the day by altering a dubious garment into a tzniyus one.  There are many ways to work with problematic clothes, and it is helpful for savvy mothers (and daughters) to share tips.  Some examples: using shells, taking in shoulder areas, adding a band of material on top to lengthen skirts, adding material to close a slit…

Parents may need to spend serious money on the clothing.  This can be seen as the hiddur mitzvah.  Daughters should see that parents take the mitzvah seriously and are willing to “put their money where their mouth is”.   Note: gemachs (in and out of town) often carry new or gently used tzniyusdik clothing.

Parents should be aware that sending their daughter shopping with a peer or a relative with different values (grandmother, aunt) may cause tzniyus conflicts if the shopper does not share their tzniyus values.  It is very hard to tell a daughter to return clothing.

Avoiding Power Struggles

Using tact is may avoid loading tzniyus with negative associations.

  • “Let’s go shopping!” – when clothing gets outgrown and therefore, less tzniyusdik
  • “What a dignified outfit!” – when pointing out an example of a tzniyusdik look
  • “That doesn’t look so refined” – when daughter is interested in something less appropriate
  • “That top could use a scarf; do you want to borrow one of mine?” – when daughter enters room wearing a dubious shirt.
  • “Not sure if you can tell but I’m noticing …(insert tzniyus problem – such as, “your sweater is pulling a bit, skirt riding up, etc.)”

In general, tzniyus-related comments have the most impact when given with brevity, nonjudgmentally, and without looking to get into a conversation.

Some teens need their space to experiment with different looks.  It is essential that parents minimize fights over tzniyus, because this creates baggage and resistance for future improvement.  Parents should discuss clothing issues with Rebbetzins and experienced friends to get a better idea of when to give in.

Helping a Daughter with Tzniyus

When a girl deliberately adopts a tzniyus level lower than that of her peer group, it may be due to a number of factors.

Some teens feel a need to experiment with their dress to try out different identities: am I a Yeshivish?   Modern?  A girl might simply prefer a more relaxed, open look than that of her parent’s social circle.  Or, she may be socializing with a less tzniyusdik crowd.

It is important to bear in mind that many girls do experience small-scale challenges with tzniyus at some point in their teenage years. Small changes in dress here and there are normal, and handled tactfully, go away on their own.

Dressing inappropriately may also be due to frustration or to a lack of connection to parents, school, or friends.  In high school, for example, the social scene can be intense and brutal.

To help their daughter, parents may begin with consulting the girl’s Morah or Mechaneches.   The family Rav or a someone experience with teens may also be able to give advice.  Parents should keep in mind that “cracking down” on a teenager may be highly counter-productive. A compromise may entail letting their daughter dress the way she wants in her room at home.

Sometimes, a hobby may be needed to provide her with a more suitable outlet and to build her self-confidence.  There are a variety of extra-curricular activities available in our community, including arts and crafts, dance, gymnastics, and more.  An activity that involves physical movement may help some girls feel more comfortable in their skin, and therefore, more at ease with tzniyus.

If the daughter is struggling, parents may discreetly ask someone: an older sibling, cousin, sister-in-law, or aunt to spend time with her on regular basis.  They could also shop together, minimizing tension with the mother.

In general, dressing highly inappropriately in our community is one way a girl may express her inner pain. Our recommendation is to counter this with lots of unconditional love on the part of her parents, her teachers, and other role models, rather than with lectures or pointers on how to improve her mode of dress.

Does she need professional counseling?

There is a spectrum of tzniyus standards.  When a teen dresses to a lower standard than her parents, she may see this as her choosing a different hashkafa, rather than a symptom of an underlying emotional or mental health issue.

When deciding whether their daughter has deeper problems, parents should examine the way the rest of the family dresses.  If the sons’ manner of dress is less strict, it’s easier to understand if the daughters do not conform to a higher standard either.  And, daughters cannot be blamed if their clothing matches that of their mother.

Some other questions to ask are: does the daughter seem otherwise well-adjusted?  Does she seem content?  Get good grades?  Goal oriented?  Maintain relationships with a set of stable friends?  If most of the answers are yes, it’s probably a hashkafa rather than a therapy (psychological) issue.

If the girl seems to seriously want to attract male attention, parents should consult someone who understands teens, i.e. a therapist or a specialist in at-risk children.

Discussing Tzniyus

Girls vary in how much they are interested in learning about tzniyus.  Some just want to be told the rules and left alone (or so they imply).  For others, tzniyus is an issue that must be discussed over and over. Many girls express the desire to learn the hashkafa and reasons for tzniyus, as opposed to learning rules and halachos in isolation.  Parents need to stay attuned to their children’s reactions when they initiate discussions, so that they use the right approach.  In addition, maintaining an open relationship allows children to bring up any question or topic without feeling judged.

There are many approaches to understanding tzniyus and it’s hard to know in advance which approach will “speak” to a girl.  For example, telling girls that their dress code is meant to protect the men’s spirituality is often counter-productive, since most girls neither understand nor sympathize, but may lose respect for men.  It is a good idea for both parents to research the topic and learn a few ways to explain the hashkafos behind the practices of tzniyus.  There are many good books and speakers on the topic.  Where children are in contact with people who dress differently, parents are even more obliged to be prepared to defend the family’s approach to tzniyus.

Tzniyus, sitting at the juncture between the personal/public, bodily/spiritual and authentic/superficial, is too vital a topic to neglect.  Parents may occasionally try to bring up topics related to this wider concept of tzniyus and see where they lead, to benefit from exploring their thoughts on this important subject.

Conclusion

Transmitting the mesora to one’s children entails that parents accomplish the following:

  • Show the children that living their lives according to Torah is the best way to live.
  • Build a relationship with the children based on trust and unconditional love.
  • Understand that chinuch needs to be customized for each child; there is no “one size fits all”

To close, when it comes to tzniyus, a prominent Rebbetzin states, “”I am a believer in ‘easy-does-it’ versus the sledgehammer approach.”

We wish our readers hatzlacha with their children.

Parenting Resources: Websites

These sites have proven useful to parents.

ImaMother  Forum for frum women to relax, socialize, debate, share tips, and ask questions

BeyondBt  Jewish Spiritual Growth. Articles about issues relevant to Jewish adults

RabbiHorowitz  Articles and more by Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz (Monsey)

Echo Institute for Health  Expert, comprehensive free medical referral and guidance

Areivim Guidance and help for children who are not succeeding in the chinuch system.

ReliefHelp  718-431-9501   Brooklyn-based organization that recommends mental health professionals for the Jewish community.

FrumTherapist Mental Health Resources for the Frum community

 

Cleaning for Pesach with Little Children

Preparing the house for Pesach is a yearly challenge for many housewives.  When there are young children, the task is more complicated, since little children cannot be relied on to follow rules and chometz might be lying anywhere in the house.  In addition, children need care during Pesach preparation time, and they are off from school during the critical week before Pesach.  In this article, compiled from interviewing experienced homemakers and other community members, we provide ideas and tips to make cleaning for Pesach less stressful for the entire family.

Why “Make Pesach”?

Many young couples have the option of spending the entire Pesach with their parents.  Nevertheless, couples should consider the reasons to make Pesach in the early years of their marriage.  Practice makes the process easier and younger parents often have more time, energy and flexibility than they will have later.  When couples keep postponing making their own Pesach, the task builds itself up into something they feel incapable of accomplishing later on.

Moreover, life is unpredictable: due to pregnancy, changes in family dynamics, or other events; the family may not have the option to go to the grandparents the following year.  In addition, some children do not travel well and have trouble sleeping or behaving properly in a different environment. It may be worthwhile to create the capability to spend Pesach in one’s own home this year, by preparing the house for chol hamoed, so that spending the Yom Tov at home is a more feasible option in the future.

Young parents sometimes make Pesach in their own home in order to provide their children with a seder customized to their age, temperament, and interests.  This is something to discuss with a Rav or mentor, since making one’s own seder means giving up the mesora one gains from a multi-generational seder at the grandparents.

 

“Don’t Throw the Kids Out with the Chometz”

This quote from a community Rav neatly sums up the balance parents need to strike between preparing a Pesach that is kosher vs. a Pesach that is sameach (joyful).  It violates the spirit of Pesach when the yom tov acquires bitter associations of anger and tension between the parents and children.  The best way to mitigate this potential is to plan ahead.

Speak with a Rav

Parents need to decide how much of the house they are going to clean and how they are going to clean it.  There are different standards and methods for preparing a place for Pesach.  Typically, parents of young children are under perennial stress due to sleep deprivation and the physical demands of childcare. Therefore, it may be a good idea for them to adopt a less ambitious and less labor intensive Pesach cleaning.  It is helpful to consult a Rav at the outset to strike the correct balance between responsibility to halacha and the need to maintain the physical and emotional health of the family.  The Rav should be able to direct the parents to a Pesach preparation guide that is right for them.

Before speaking with their Rav, parents should think about the specific challenges their family faces.  Listing the number of children and their ages does not give an accurate picture of the family’s situation, since children vary considerably in their obedience, neatness, and need for attention.  Parents, too, vary in energy level, availability, and ability to cope with stress.   Financial resources, i.e. the ability to hire help and buy prepared food, and human resources, i.e. relatives who can take care of the children or feed the family the Shabbos before Pesach, also differ.  A family that finds it difficult to keep up with meals, laundry, and normal Shabbos preparation should make this clear to their Rav.

Plan Ahead

Once parents have decided what must be done to prepare for Pesach, they need to determine how they will accomplish it.  This includes deciding how much to budget for expenses such as cleaning help, babysitting, or eating out.  It also includes scheduling the different tasks.

Think About Logistics

When should the car be clean enough to buy Pesach groceries?  How will the stroller, the car seat, the van, and the couch stay chometz-free once they are thoroughly cleaned?

Parents should also consider how much of the kitchen should be made Pesach-dik.  Every cabinet and every surface devoted to Pesach use must be emptied, cleaned and/or covered; after Pesach, the process must be reversed.  It pays, therefore, to minimize the area to turn over.   A great labor saver is to close off the cabinets and set up a table in an adjoining room to hold Pesach supplies.

Meals Before Pesach

The family needs to eat during Pesach cleaning, and even when the kitchen is turned over.   Many families buy Pesach-dik snacks and convenience foods.   Some mothers try to make this stressful time more cheerful by purchasing Pesach-dik treats and fast food they would not permit the rest of the year.  The advantage of giving the children kosher l’Pesach snacks is if crumbs are found in a “cleaned” room, they are likely to be non-chometz.  Mother may also cook Pesach-dik food for the family and/or offer non-chometz snacks such as fruit, cheese, or yogurt.

Another approach is to set up a self-contained chometz area, usually in the basement or garage, equipped with table, chairs, toaster oven, and/or a burner and a mini-refrigerator.  Either the area is cleaned after each use or the family must allocate time on Erev Pesach to clean it thoroughly.  If they do not need the area for Yom Tov, they may be able to sell it.

Make Lists

After consulting a calendar, parents may create a count-down of the tasks that need to be accomplished by sun-down Erev Pesach.  Shopping lists, too, may be generated in advance.  The goal is to be able to work when there is free time rather than having to stop and think.  Lists may be reused from year to year; keeping them in a notebook or on the computer makes this easier. It is useful to add “post scripts” after Pesach to note what worked well and what to change the following year.

Reserve Help 

If parents have regular cleaning help, they should try to increase the hours before Pesach.  If they do not have cleaning help, they should begin looking for some well ahead of time.  Cleaning services and carpet cleaners get booked weeks ahead of Pesach.  Note: It is difficult to book a cleaning lady to clean just for Pesach and they sometimes do not show up for a non-regular client.  Cleaning services are more reliable, but much more expensive.  An alternative may be to ask a friend who is not cleaning for Pesach to “lend” her cleaning help.

Parents should also try to find extra babysitting before Pesach.  Younger daughters may be available, since older siblings take care of a large portion of the cleaning.  Reaching out to even an eight year old neighbor may be worthwhile, as s/he may be able to entertain the kids while the parents work.

Shop Ahead

If there is a secure area to store things for Pesach, parents may begin shopping for the equipment they know they will need: pots, peelers, knives, etc.  It may also be worthwhile to begin shopping for non-perishables, especially if they are on sale.  Kosher meat and poultry tend to be kosher for Pesach all year round; if there is free, clean space in the freezer, it may pay to stock up.

“Spring Clean”

Mothers frequently combine spring cleaning with Pesach cleaning, because the tasks often mesh well and it’s nice to have a clean house for Yom Tov.  The problem is that spring cleaning expands the task of chometz removal, tiring the parents, and stressing the family.  A compromise is to begin spring cleaning well before Pesach, perhaps around Tu B’Shvat.  After  Purim is a good time to switch to chometz removal.

Certain types of spring cleaning are useful preparation for Pesach.  Getting rid of clutter in closets and drawers make the task of bedikas chometz much easier and more effective.  Removing and washing drapes and linens sometimes exposes concealed chometz.  Washing the light fixtures and wiping the windows and the moldings is less relevant to Pesach preparation and might be skipped or rescheduled for another time of the year.

 

 

When & Where to Begin

The general approach to Pesach cleaning is to start at the periphery, that is, the areas furthest from the kitchen and work one’s way to the kitchen via the living room and dining room until “turnover” time.  The main concern here is the likelihood that more chometz will enter a cleaned area after it has been declared chometz-free.  Much depends on the age and personality of the children—do they tend to wander with chometz?  How likely are they to stash food?   Some children actively seek out their favorite chometz foods, even climbing to reach high cabinets.

For such families, it is a wasted effort to clean for Pesach (as opposed to spring cleaning) until a week or two before Yom Tov.  At that point, they may need to “blitz” through the house possibly into the early morning hours.  They might find it useful to begin their Pesach cleaning in areas less accessible or less interesting to the children: upper cabinets and upper shelves.

Pesach cleaning may begin with cleaning the less essential kitchen items, such as cookie cutters or specialized equipment, and putting them away in sealed bags.  It is easier to work on the kitchen if parents commit themselves relatively early to stop baking before Pesach.  Mother may spend the week after Purim preparing and freezing casseroles to eat during the hectic week before Pesach.  Pack the meals in microwave safe containers, so they can be reheated even after the oven is Pesach-dik.  This is also a good time to take a thorough inventory of the refrigerator and pantry, discarding chometz that is unlikely to be consumed, and deliberately consuming what is still usable.  This saves much time during the critical turnover process.

The Toys

Less used toys may be cleaned and put away weeks before Pesach and given back to the children when the house is Pesach-dik.  Small pieces, such as lego and clicks, may be put into a tied-up pillow case and washed with the laundry (try this with small quantities first).  Another option is to sell all or most of the toys rather than cleaning them and give the children a special set of Pesach toys.  During the year, parents may save gifts, especially duplicates of toys they already own, for this purpose.  Children are usually excited when the Pesach toys reappear.

Using Cleaning Help

Hired help makes cleaning for Pesach much easier, however, parents must realize that the help knows how to clean, but not how to get rid of chometz.  They are not familiar with all the foods that must be discarded (they’ll wipe the barley jar and put it back into the pantry).  They also may not understand our priorities, spending excessive time scrubbing the moldings rather than vacuuming the crevices in the upholstered chairs.  Cleaning women are usually most effective when cleaning appliances, floors, and kitchen chairs.  It is imperative to give the help detailed instructions, to supervise as they clean, and to inspect carefully as they finish different tasks.  This is more difficult when using a cleaning service that sends a whole crew to “do the house” in a few hours.

Involving the Children

Children are more likely to cooperate and to absorb the Pesach experience if they are involved with preparing for the Yom Tov.  However, it is not healthy when older children feel that their help is utterly essential and that their parents cannot manage without them.  Parents should plan with the children in mind to decide how to use their help productively.

Playing Pesach-themed CD or DVDs spreads a positive mood in the house, whether or not the children are actually helping with the cleaning.  Singing Pesach songs as they work together enhances the experience.  By trading CD/DVDs with the neighbors, families may increase their options.

Little Children

Little children are usually excited to help clean for Pesach.  Even two year olds may be equipped with rags and spray bottles filled with water and told to wash walls and other surfaces.  Preschoolers may be put into the bathtub (with supervision) with soapy water and toys and instructed to scrub them clean for Pesach.  Weather permitting; the kids may hose down large toys and plastic items, such as tables and chairs.  This procedure is more effective when dirtier items are first smeared with soft scrub.  Once they learn to write, children may create “No Chometz” signs to label rooms and areas as they are cleaned for Pesach.  This also enhances awareness and compliance with pre-Pesach rules.

Older Children

As they age, children are often less excited to help for Pesach.  However, they may help clear the accumulation in their rooms and put away toys and books for after Pesach.  Many parents motivate children to clean the car by allowing them to keep any money that they find.  One mother “seeds” an area to be cleaned, such as a book case, with funny items, to make sure that the children actually do go through the whole area.  A treat-filled party is a nice way to reward children for a few hours of hard work.

Note: Make sure to check the children’s’ cleaning work.

Tips and Strategies

Prioritize

The regular cleaning and household chores should be reduced so that the parents and the help focus on Pesach cleaning.  Mother may have to do more of the everyday housework while the help cleans out the fridge.

Reduce the Scope for Chometz Mess

Sometime after Purim, eliminate the tiny chometz items, such as Cheerios, crackers or soup nuts, that get distributed all over the house.  Potato chips and the like might substitute for these few weeks.

Create Blocks of Time for Cleaning

Most mothers cannot work efficiently on the “serious” Pesach cleaning when the children are around.  Either the parents stay up very late the nights before Pesach and/or they have the husband take the children out.  Kid-swaps, where friends or neighbors take turns hosting all the children, are an inexpensive way to find a chunk of time, especially when the children are off from school the week before Pesach.

Check the Chometz Hangouts

 Families with little children typically find much chometz in strollers (and their basket), diaper bags, knapsacks, coats, high chairs, play pens, car seats, and the children’s desks.  Generally, any place in which a young child spends time is likely to have food—the couch, the area that s/he stands while looking out the window, the bed, or the comfy chair.  Toy kitchens, trucks with cargo areas, toy pocket books, heating vents, and behind radiators are other classics.

High chairs are easier to clean by giving them a shower or a bath.  Strollers may be hosed down outdoors, with the pads washed on the gentle cycle and hung to dry.  Some families buy an inexpensive high chair just for Pesach.

Moving furniture and storage boxes may uncover more chometz, but check with a Rav to determine if it’s necessary.  In a process similar to child-proofing, parents should try to examine their rooms from a toddler’s point of view for handy places to put food when they are done.

Avoid Extra Work

Clearing out all the chometz requires physical energy and mental alertness when there are little children around.  Therefore, parents must avoid burning themselves out through unnecessary scrubbing, since this may cause them to skip that crucial last minute check of the swimming bag that unearths the granola bar.

Getting Ready for Shabbos On Time

Preparing for Shabbos is in an integral part of the Shabbos experience.  Shalom Bayis, among parents and between parents and children, is an essential component of the preparation process.  This article discusses constructive approaches, tips and strategies to smooth the process of getting everything ready in time for candle lighting

Establishing Family Priorities

Should the family find that tensions often rise on Friday, they may need to rethink their Shabbos preparation and look at the broad picture of how they want their Shabbos to look and feel.  It is good to begin the discussion between the parents, and then to seek out the viewpoints of the older children.  Once the family has agreed about what is important to them, they can openly and explicitly discuss how to attain the Shabbos they desire.  It may be necessary for family members to forego something in order to have some of their preferences met.

For example, it often makes sense to reduce the time spent preparing Shabbos food by using simpler recipes, cutting down on variety, or cooking ahead and freezing.  Moreover, there may not be enough time on Friday afternoon to completely tidy or clean the house in time for candle lighting.  If finances allow, one method for “making” more time is to hire help or to purchase prepared foods.

The atmosphere in the home should not be compromised. Shabbos preparation should be joyful, with everyone pitching in the best possible way they can.  If family members are not “on the same page”, it is better to cut down on the preparation than to allow resentment to build.

While mother may enjoy preparing elaborate recipes in honor of the Shabbos, it is a good idea for her to monitor whether this is coming at the expense of spending time with the children during the week. Parents may also want to ask themselves whether they are exhausting themselves in their enthusiasm to prepare Shabbos and falling asleep at the meal.

Rethinking Shabbos Preparation

A family conference or one-on-one meetings with the children may help identify bottlenecks, less necessary tasks, and stress points.  Once parents better understand the dynamics of their family, they are able to create a plan to smooth Shabbos preparation, drawing perhaps on some of the tips and strategies outlined below.  The entire family may be more willing to pitch in if they understand the general strategy and priorities. The plan may need to be updated as conditions change, such as a parent taking on longer hours at work or a more complicated car pool.

Including the Family in Shabbos Preparation

Responsibility for running the household and for “making Shabbos” tends to fall on the mother. A working father may not be able to do more than set up the candles when he arrives home on Friday.  It may be best to discuss this and reach a realistic agreement, rather than expecting more than he can give.  The husband should be realistic, too, and expect less in terms of the Shabbos food or the condition of the house.

On the other hand, it is important for the children’s chinuch to involve them in Shabbos preparation, even if their help is not needed, in order to include them in the Shabbos experience, to teach them life skills, and to inculcate the habit of helping. Tasks that are often appropriate for children include peeling vegetables, picking up toys, stacking books, taking out garbage, folding laundry, vacuuming floors, and wiping surfaces.  It is better for a child’s chinuch if his or her involvement in Shabbos preparation takes place only in a harmonious atmosphere.  Otherwise, it is better that the child(ren) entertain themselves quietly and stay away from the tension.

Working with each family member’s strengths and preferences makes this easier.  Erev Shabbos is probably not the time to “stretch” children by asking them to perform tasks they dislike or to work with siblings with whom they do not get along.  It is important to be realistic about what little children can do by themselves.  They may be willing to clean up their toys, for example, but it might not happen unless mother works with them.  Singing Shabbos songs or playing music sets a nice atmosphere.

Incentives are also useful—if everyone is showered and ready half hour before Shabbos, they get a treat, for example.  The treat need not be food: children appreciate a relaxed mother spending the time after candle lighting reading a story or playing a game.

Food Strategies

Most time saving tips involve cooking the food ahead of time.    Nearly anything that is cooked or baked will keep for most of the week if stored in airtight conditions in the back of the refrigerator away from the opening and closing door, although it is preferable to cook at the latter part of the week to increase the shelf life of leftovers.  Using twist-tie plastic bags works well and makes the food more compact to store in the fridge.  Make sure to label the food “For Shabbos Only” if other family members might consume it.

The Freezer

Some women find it worthwhile to cook or bake large quantities of challah or chicken soup on Sundays to stock the freezer.  Another way to stock the freezer is to double recipes and freeze the extra.  Leftover cake or dessert may be frozen right after Shabbos.  Most baked goods: challah, cake, cookies and kugels freeze very well; however, potato kugel is best defrosted for an hour or more in the oven.

There may be family members who object to eating food from the freezer.  In such cases, it might be worthwhile to determine the cause.  Some possible reasons may be that the wrong foods are being frozen, the food is not defrosted the right way, or the freezer may have taken on a stale odor that transfers to stored food.  Cleaning out the freezer is helpful, as is inserting a package of baking soda and changing it regularly.

Keeping Stocked

It is very useful to keep a few items in the freezer, the pantry, or the fridge, such as gefilte fish, frozen chicken and cholent meat. canned and frozen vegetables, grape juice, challah, etc. These may be pressed into service if there is no time to shop for Shabbos that week.

Emergency Fridays happen, whether it’s a child landing in the emergency room or a parent stuck in traffic.  It is useful to work out in advance which foods to draw on from the freezer, the fridge, or the pantry in such circumstances.  Soup may be defrosted, gefilte fish taken from a jar, potatoes from a can, and salad created from frozen or canned vegetables at the last minute.

Lists and Planning

Permanent Lists

There are tasks that need to be accomplished every Shabbos.  The family may create lists, one for each room or one for each member, which may be stored on the computer and printed regularly.  If a list is shared among the family, everyone must check off their tasks as they finish them. A great advantage of a detailed list is that it allows people to use even very short bits of time productively.  For example, five spare minutes before going to carpool, may be used to open cans or take foods from the freezer.

Weekly Lists

Many women find that planning Shabbos menus on Sunday or Monday increases their efficiency.  Once the menu is determined, recipes may be checked and shopping lists created for each of the that stores the family uses.  It is useful to maintain a small notebook with a page for each day of the week.  This way, the different tasks involved in preparing for the Shabbos may be jotted down days in advance.  Such a list is more realistic if the time needed for different tasks, including recipes, are noted.  It is helpful to work out in advance when various tasks need to be done, rather than having to think this through while harried.

This technique works best if the family knows early in the week whether they are having company.  Guests may be invited over a week in advance and confirmed early in the week to facilitate planning.  Alternatively, mother may use a few items from the freezer or the pantry for the guests.

Time Management

Partner with a Friend

Friends may agree to each making double quantities of foods such as cake, kugels, or challah and trading the extra.  This allows each family to have more variety for Shabbos.  Another technique is to shop for each other, provided that accounts are easily kept separate (using school scrip may help).  One partner may handle Kosher Konnection, for example, while the other takes care of Costco.

Focus

Fridays run smoothest when they are used for Shabbos preparation rather than doctors’ appointments, errands, etc.  (This is not always practical, we realize, if children are only available on Friday afternoon).

Shabbos Clothing

It is a good idea to do laundry earlier in the week so that it is available in time for changing into before Shabbos.  When bringing Shabbos clothes to the dry cleaner, jot down the pickup date on a calendar or to-do list.  Otherwise, someone may find themselves without a suit minutes before Shabbos.

Bath/Shower Strategies

While it’s nicer to get clean on Erev Shabbos, it pays during the winter months to have younger children take their Shabbos bath on Thursday night.    Mother or older children may find it more convenient to rise a little early on Friday mornings to shower.  Those who bathed/showered the night before may give themselves a quick refresh before Shabbos.  This avoids the bathroom bottleneck and running out of hot water on Erev Shabbos.

Tidying

Surfaces can be cleared on Thursday or even Wednesday evening.  If the kitchen tablecloth is changed for Shabbos, it may be changed on Friday morning to avoid a last minute rush.

Polishing silver may be a task to eliminate for families that are often strapped for time.  The silver may be put away for when life gets easier, or it may be coated with a tarnish resistant film (rhodium-ized).

While children are able to sweep, most kids enjoy using a Swiffer to clean floors.  Lysol wipes may be used with gloves to wipe down countertops.  Children may be taught to use a damp mop (skip the bucket) to give the kitchen floor a last minute touchup.

Using Thursday

While many women prepare Shabbos food on other days of the week, Thursday is usually the main time for preparing for Shabbos aside from Friday. For some parents, staying up very late on Thursdays works best, giving them peace of mind by the time they go to bed; for others, it pays to go to bed earlier and wake up early on Friday.

It is best to accomplish some Shabbos preparation on Thursday, even if one is very busy that day, to simplify the logistics of the stove and oven.  Certain food preparation tasks, like soup or gefilte fish or roasts do not require much work but do tie up a flame or the oven for extensive periods of time.  The chicken may be defrosted, cleaned, and processed on Thursday night, spend the night in fridge, and go straight into the oven on Friday afternoon.  Similarly, a raw cholent may sit refrigerated in the crock pot insert overnight.

Thursday’s supper may be coordinated with Shabbos preparation.  For example, mother may prepare a large batch of mashed potatoes, some of which will be used to make knishes for Shabbos.  Fresh soup chicken or vegetables might work as Thursday’s supper if these are not generally served on Shabbos.   Vegetables may be boiled for supper and made into kugel for Shabbos.  While many families serve something simple and milchig on Thursdays, working only with fleishig simplifies kitchen management.

Starting Early on Friday

Start early on Friday morning to get things going: cleaning the chicken, making the challah dough, setting up the soup, or cooking the gefilte fish.  Anything that will not be undone should be done early in the day: e.g. pre-Shabbos phone calls, laying out Shabbos clothing, setting Shabbos clocks, pre-opening food, beverages or paper goods, or setting up the candles.  Setting the table in advance works for some families even if children rearrange things a little.

Setting a Firm Deadline

Mother may decide that no recipes are started two hours before Shabbos.  This may necessitate leaving items off the menu or taking foods from the freezer, but it sets a limit to food preparation and allows the family to wind down the cooking and begin the cleanup.  Sticking to such a policy also conveys a message to the family about priorities.

Simplify Ruthlessly

A family that finds Shabbos preparation demanding should consider stripping down preparation to bare essentials.  Parents may determine a very simple menu: no kugels, leave out a course, strictly one vegetable—and stick to this regime.  This may be the best way to manage when there is a new baby or during the years when there are many small children in the house and no help.  Supplementing the regular menu with a treat each Shabbos allows parents to add a little “wow factor” to the meals.

Conclusion

Preparing Shabbos is a spiritual experience for the entire family.  When a family reshapes their Erev Shabbos by communicating, identifying bottlenecks, creating a plan, and implementing it, they strengthen their observance of Shabbos and their relationships.  The skills and optimism generated by this process are useful when encountering other challenges in the future.

Yom Tov with the Children

 

The Yomim Tovim present parents an opportunity to connect with their children without the pressures and distractions of school.  Yom Tov is also the parents’ time to fulfil the primary role in their children’s chinuch and connection with Yiddishkeit.  In this article, we present tips and strategies to help parents make the most of this opportunity.

This article is geared towards families with children under age fourteen.

Maintaining a Balance

“Don’t forget the children!” was the message a young interviewee wanted to convey to parents on the subject of planning Yom Tov.  However, when planning Yom Tov, parents need to juggle a variety of goals, needs, and wishes within the constraints of time, budget, and energy.  While we want our children to enjoy and benefit from Yom Tov to the maximum, it is neither feasible nor wholesome for children to see themselves as the center of their parents’ universe.

A general approach is to give higher priority to the needs of struggling children, and lower priority to the preferences of children who seem well-adjusted.  When making a decision that runs counter to a child’s desires or needs, it is kinder to acknowledge this to the child rather than letting him/her feel forgotten.  If the decision is truly hard for the child to live with, parents may decide, based on circumstances, to offer some kind of “compensation” such as an extra treat or favor during or after Yom Tov.

Decisions…

When making choices for Yom Tov, parents should keep in mind the medium and long term effects of decisions they made the previous year.  For example, children who were off schedule may have been wild over Yom Tov, but perhaps this is overshadowed by the pleasant memories of a great experience.  On the other hand, an overly turbulent Yom Tov may build up long-term resentment against family members or Yom Tov in general.

Parents may also want to keep in mind that each family is unique, and, therefore, decisions are best made based on their family’s needs and experiences rather than on societal expectations.  In particular, children vary greatly in their tolerance for sleep deprivation or over-stimulating environments.

Consult the Children

It is easier for parents to make optimal decisions when they have all the relevant information.  It is worth asking each child his/her preferences in areas such as Yom Tov activities, foods, company, and schedule.  There may be surprises.

Staying Home vs. Going Away for Yom Tov

A Yom Tov spent with friends or relatives is usually a richer experience for the children.  They have more people to interact with and they may grow through being taken out of their normal environment.  Parents may enjoy reconnecting with their friends or family members.  They may also find it easier to move the family than to prepare an entire Yom Tov.

 

On the other hand, it is hard on some children to be away from home, especially on a three-day Yom Tov.  It is often impossible for children to adhere to their normal schedule, sleeping accommodations are often makeshift, and the food may be unfamiliar.  In addition, sensitive children may be overwhelmed at being surrounded by strangers and a more chaotic environment.

Maintaining Bedtimes vs. Staying up for Meals

Night meals on Yom Tov often take place way after children’s bedtimes.  One option is to encourage children to nap during the day and let them stay up as long as they wish for the night-time seuda.  Participating in the night meals enriches the Yom Tov experience for the children and prevents resentment at being excluded.

The other approach is for the parents to spend quality time with their younger children on Yom Tov afternoon, serve them a nice supper, and put them to bed at their regular bedtime.  Aside from allowing younger children to keep up with their sleep, this option permits parents to focus on their older children, their guests, or each other during the late meals.

Hosting Guests?

In addition to the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim, including guests at the meals adds to the Yom Tov ambience.   Guests are often fun for the children.  It is often a good idea, however, to include at least one meal for just the family to strengthen the family’s sense of achdus and to make sure that every child gets attention.

Eating Out?

The natural impulse is to accept invitations to Yom Tov meals.  However, if parents find that their children often react negatively to dining out, it may be better to decline until the children grow out of their anti-social phase.  If the problem seems to be food-related, parents might ask the host if they could bring a favorite side dish in order to satisfy the children.

Advance Preparations

Suitable Entertainment

Providing the children with toys, games, and reading material enhances Yom Tov for parents and children.  The many Torah-themed versions of popular board games give an extra educational twist and reinforce the Yom Tov atmosphere.  Jewish books are available at our local Judaic library; purchasing second hand books may be another option for tight budgets.  A nice way to freshen the children’s reading material is to purchase back issues of the children’s favorite Torah magazines.

Coordinate with Friends

Compatible playdates make the time fly.  It is wise to coordinate in advance with the parents of the children’s friends to find out who will be home for Yom Tov and to schedule playdates, since telephoning is not an option on Yom Tov.  There is more flexibility if one opts for friends who are geographically closer.  Inviting families with compatible children for meals is another way to help the children socialize on Yom Tov.

Spending Time with the Children

Taking a Yom Tov walk with one or more children provides everyone with much-needed exercise, fresh air, and undistracted attention, even when the weather is not ideal.  Younger children enjoy spending hours at the park; however, parents should make sure that the children drink and snack to avoid meltdowns.

Learning with a child adds a spiritual element to oneg Yom Tov.  However, the learning should be geared to the child’s skill level, attention span, and interest.  It may be advantageous in the long run to read Chassidic tales or other inspiration material with a child who is unhappy at school.

Children and Shul

It is probably better for all parties concerned: the mother, the children, and the tzibbur, when the mother gives up on davening in shul until her youngest children are able to daven independently at shul.  However, going to meet the father at the end of shul provides the children with an outing, the option of hearing some of the davening, and a chance to show off their Yom Tov outfits.  A meaningful compromise may be to catch birkas cohanim, since some children enjoy this experience.  Another possibility is to attend a shul which offers babysitting and/or youth programming.

Sending children to shul before they are capable of davening inside the entire time often means having the children hang out, unsupervised, for hours.  This may lead to bullying or to dangerous activities.

Conclusion

The Yomim Tovim are a wonderful time but can be stressful.  When parents keep their children’s needs in mind, they may help everyone maximize their simchas Yom Tov, creating great memories and fostering spiritual growth for the entire family.

Children and Technology

 

 

Electronic technology has become part of our lives and a presence in our children’s world.  Computers, smart phones, electronic toys, email, social media, and a myriad of apps: families need to decide which technologies belong in their homes and how they should be used.   The purpose of this article is to provide parents with a framework to help them work out their approach to the challenge that screen-based technology poses to their children’s chinuch.  While we do not espouse any specific hashkafa in reference to the use of electronic entertainment or internet technology, we recommend that parents seek Rabbinic guidance to help them make decisions in this area.

This material is based on interviews with parents, children, mechanchim, and the staff of TAG (Technology Awareness Group).

TAG (Technology Awareness Group)

In this article, we mention TAG as a resource for parents.  TAG is a volunteer organization under the direction of Rav Matisyahu Salomon shlita, with 29 global offices.  Its mission is to help people understand and deal with the challenges raised by their use of digital technology and to help implement proper safeguards (primarily filters) for their use of digital devices.  TAG sees itself as a resource to give people the various options, trade-offs, etc., among various filters, apps and device brands. It is up to the individual to decide the level of filtering; TAG does not impose a particular hashkafa.

Decide on a Family Policy

In order for parents to raise their children according to their own values, they need to determine the fit of their values and the products of today’s technology: the games, the communication and the social media. They may find it useful to consult the family Rav, mechanchim at their children’s Yeshiva, relatives, and friends for information and  to help formulate a set of policies that’s right for them. This policy should be concrete enough that children know which devices and applications they are allowed to use, such as texting, social media, games, etc.

Once the parents have formulated a family policy, they need to educate their children about their policy, explaining what limits they wish to impose, and why.  Policy may need to change over time as technology and family circumstances change.  In addition, parents will need to fine tune their policies based on their children’s needs and personalities.  All this should be explained regularly to the children.

Stay Educated

It is harder for children to respect their parents’ decisions if they feel that their parents are out-of-touch with the realities of their world.  Given how quickly technology and trends change, parents will need to stay up to date by paying attention to what their children talk about and researching what they hear, attending lectures, and discussing the latest parenting challenges with other parents.

Delaying the Introduction of the Technology

Rabbonim and mechanchim advise postponing giving children high-tech entertainment for a variety of reasons, including potential for addiction and the danger of risky internet behavior. While much depends on a child’s personality, in general, minimizing children’s exposure to devices such as smart phones or tablets is helpful.

Children may be introduced to electronic toys on playdates or at family gatherings.  Parents may need to state in advance their electronic media policy to friends and the extended family.  Close relatives also need to understand the parents’ policy; otherwise, they may give the children iPads, Nintendos, or smartphones as presents when parents do not want their children to use them.

Providing alternative sources of entertainment may be helpful in minimizing children’s desire for electronic entertainment.  Parents may take the initiative by organizing group playdates around sports activities and board games.  Some games that are popular now include chess, checkers, Perpetual Commotion, Quoridor, Settlers of Catan, Blokus, Bananagram, RubiCub, Kugelach, Connect 4, Backgammon, and Risk.  Parents may need to jumpstart interest in games and sports by playing with the children.  Keeping the children supplied with entertaining books may also be helpful.

Before Getting the Device/Technology

Children often start asking for electronic toys such as a Nintendo DS or an Xbox in elementary school, with the age varying according to their exposure and their interests.  Older children often request iPods, smartphones, or their own email account.  The safest policy is for parents to postpone making a decision until they research the questions that we outline below.  Children might pressure parents to buy immediately in order to take advantage of a sale; however, parents may respond that their children’s wellbeing is more important to them than the money they may save.

Are there hazards?

Does the game depict violence?  How do women appear?  Do ads appear during gameplay? Does the sports game include cheerleading segments?   Is the game downloaded or upgraded from the internet?  A problem with downloading software from the internet is that the software often includes pop up advertisements or ads on the bottom of the screen, since this is one way that developers of free games make their money. These advertisements, which may show up later when the game is played offline, may display images incompatible with the family’s values.

Parents should also find out in advance whether the game/app requires internet access or benefits from internet access.  Most multi-player games require internet access.  These games often allow players to communicate with each other, such that one’s child may begin exchanging messages with a stranger.

Parents also need to know what follows in practice when a child or family acquires the technology.   Speaking to parents whose children already have the device is a good way to learn about unexpected side effects.   The TAG office or experienced mechanchim are also important sources of information, since they are in contact with many parents.

Parents may find out, for example, that the game or app may be innocuous, but the device may allow internet access.  Supervision might not be available 100% of the time. In addition, families find it extremely difficult to enforce usage limits, especially at night.  It is a good idea to speak with a few people, because children vary in their interest in exploring technology, and parents vary in how aware they are of their children’s activities.

If the research seems to indicate that the game is not harmful, parents might try playing the game (or watching others playing it) in order to gain the perspective of a “hands-on” experience.

Can the device/technology be filtered or monitored?

Hardware (iPods, PSPs, Nintendos, smartphones, etc.) and software (games, apps) vary in how effectively they can be protected from the hazards of the internet.  TAG advises the community to contact them before purchasing.  Many mobile devices do not allow filtering.  Filters, too, vary in effectiveness and in the level of control they provide.  Parents may “google” the name of the device followed by “parental control bypass” to see the effectiveness of the control. Parents may also wish to find out how much password protection the device or the software allows, and whether there are ways to monitor its use.  For example, some applications (apps) have an option to send notifications to an email address each time certain features are accessed.

How will it be used?

Parents should find out which games the child wishes to play and how s/he plans to fit game playing in his/her schedule.  How will they prevent the child from spending all day or staying up all hours with the device?   Can different profiles be given different settings so that siblings are given content appropriate for their age?   How will games be obtained?  Some games are only available through app stores.  If the device/game requires internet access, how will this be obtained?

What are the Child’s Needs

“One size fits all” does not work well for chinuch.  A relevant question may be, “What is the alternative?”  If the child is likely to be able and willing to acquire the device on his/her own without consulting the parents, it is better for the parents to offer it preemptively so that they can bring the technology on their own terms and exert some level of monitoring or control.

It is a good idea to consult the family Rav and/or someone experienced to help decide these subjective situations.  Where the child does not follow parental rules, it is advisable to seek guidance from outside professional help also.

After Acquiring the Device

The parents should be the first ones to open the box, to install the software, or to set up the account.  They need to be the ones to create the passwords and determine the settings.  In addition, the device may be pre-loaded with undesirable content (movies, games, or apps) which they will want to remove.

They may bring the device to the TAG office, to a friend, or to a professional to have it set up according to their values.  This is the time to have filtering and monitoring software installed, and to learn how to use it.   Note: It is often a good idea to consult with TAG even if the parents are technologically savvy, since the parents may not be up to date on parental control options.

If the child sets up the device first, parents should not give up.  If they bring it to the TAG office, the staff should be able to reset the device and set up parental controls.

Monitoring Use

Parents should be in constant discussion with children about how they use the device or the communication technology.  Should parents feel the necessity to monitor on a closer level, they would explain why and how they would monitor.  Parents could decide with children to periodically bring the device to a neutral third party, such as a TAG office to make sure that filters are still working properly.  An alternative approach is to acquire the device as “family property” available for use by siblings and parents.  This makes it less likely that any of the children will load inappropriate content and allows parents to monitor it without seeming to spy.

Guard Your Own Phone

Parents should keep in mind that their own smartphones may be their children’s primary exposure to inappropriate content and apps.  If they feel the need to give children their phones, they must make sure to password protect access to the internet and to close the app store.  If there is any doubt about what children may have done with a parent’s device, there is always the option to bring it to TAG.

Conclusion

Children are able to sense how much parents truly value something by seeing how much time and effort parents invest in it.  The most convincing way for parents to demonstrate the depth of their commitment to their children’s chinuch and wellbeing is to take the time to learn about and keep up with the technology in the children’s world and to enforce the policies that they determine appropriate for each child.

 

What Should the Kids Read?

 

Recreational reading is an important and beloved part of childhood.  In this article, based on interviews with local parents and mechachim, we explore some issues related to children and reading.

Benefits and Drawbacks of Recreational Reading

There are many benefits associated with reading extensively.  For beginners, the only way to become a fluent reader is to practice reading.  This is also the most effective way to build vocabulary.  Reading enhances essential communication skills, especially writing.  Avid readers are often successful students.

Additionally, reading teaching children to understand and appreciate people from other cultures or who face different challenges.  This may help children be more tolerant and empathetic to those who are different.

Not least, reading provides many children with hours of enjoyment in the safe environment of their home.  As with any activity, when taken to extremes, excessive reading may also lead to problems.  A child who is absorbed in a book may neglect important activities, such as homework, sleep, chores, and exercise.   Children who are very avid readers may need to be encouraged to take a break

Another potential obstacle with recreational reading is that children may absorb unwholesome facts and attitudes from books.  This is why parents and mechanchim view unrestricted reading with concern.

Why Restrict Reading Material?

Material that we read makes an impression on us.  Ideas pop up unbidden and cannot be excised.  Parents sacrifice much in order to raise their children to stay within their values, paying for Yeshiva tuition and expensive housing in order to be in the “right” environment.

Moreover, the values of society at large have become increasingly at odds with the values of our community.  Parents who were brought up with unrestricted reading might find it useful to spend a little time in the children’s section of the local library to better understand the need for filtering.  Children’s books written after 1980 are more likely to include problematic content.

In addition, our community has become more sensitive to content at variance with our hashkafa.  It is not uncommon for adults to re-read books that they enjoyed as children and wonder why they were allowed to read them.  Inappropriate content is likely to make more of an impression on today’s children, who are often raised in a more sheltered environment than their parents were.

The Limits of Restriction

Parents should be aware that restricting the children’s reading merely allows parents to postpone their children’s exposure.  As they become older and more independent, children are able to obtain “forbidden fruit” if they want it.  In addition, older children possibly will encounter the situations, language, and practices that their parents have been trying to filter from their reading.

Therefore, filtering should be accompanied by education and communication.  As they mature, children need to learn their parents’ perspectives about some of the less pleasant aspects of life.  Parents may need to get advice from their own mentors in order to learn how to present the information.

Moreover, parents cannot forever prescreen their children’s reading.  Some reading restrictions should never disappear, since not everything is appropriate even for adults.  On the other hand, children will grow into adults who need to deal with all kinds of unpalatable truths and situations.  Part of the parents’ mission is to help children develop the ability to deal with the variety of situations that life brings them while filtering out what they need not or should not expose themselves to.

Setting the Family’s Reading Policy

It is useful to consult with the family Rav and/or mentors before making decisions about how open or restrictive to be with the children’s reading.

A family’s reading policy will work better if it meshes with the family’s hashkafa and the parents’ own interests and pursuits.  Otherwise, children perceive inconsistency.  Where parents themselves are more open to the outside world, it probably makes sense to permit a wider range of literature.  For a more Yeshivish family, whose children are comfortable living the more sheltered kollel-type lifestyle, a policy of exclusively Judaic literature may fit.  If the parents do not want their children to read a book or a magazine, they should not leave it around even if the material is appropriate for adults.

The family’s social context also makes a difference.  If the children’s friends and classmates are all reading and discussing a popular series, it imposes a heavy burden to prohibit one’s children from reading those books.  If they are stricter or more lenient than other families in the area, parents should make sure to explain why to their children.

It is better for children to be permitted to read a wider range of books if the alternative may be that they seek less wholesome entertainment, such as some movies or unrestricted internet.

Families should be careful about not undermining each other’s reading policies.  This means not lending books to each other or allowing reading during play dates without parental consent. It is preferable for children not to bring books to school unless the book is on the Yeshiva’s white list.

What Some Parents Are Filtering

Parents have different sensitivities and priorities about what they do not want their children to be exposed to. Most parents prefer to filter male/female content.  Depending on their hashkafa and on their taste, parents have been known to use any of the following criteria to exclude books:

  • Content about other religions
  • Beliefs that contradict Torah hashkafa (Paganism or apikorsus)
  • Inappropriate language
  • Bad middos depicted favorably: disrespect to parents and authority, chutzpah, rebelliousness
  • Glorification of role models who behave inappropriately
  • Violence, cruelty, vulgarity
  • Unhappy family situations
  • Depiction of activities inconsistent with parents’ hashkafa.

Parents should be aware that Jewish reading material should also be checked, as some may contain some of the issues listed above.  Jewish magazines may have articles that explore realities of contemporary life that parents might not want their children to learn about prematurely.

Parents should be aware that while some books in a series may be OK, others in the same series may be objectionable.

Non-fiction books, especially science and current events, may also be problematic for some, since they often present conflicting hashkafa and/or images that parents may not want in their home.

As children mature, parents may wish to find ways to gradually introduce some of this material so that children may learn about science, current events and politics and develop into informed citizens.  Otherwise, working in a non-Orthodox environment or interacting with people from other communities might be problematic.  Moreover, some parents may feel that the traditional values beautifully portrayed in some of the older children’s classics may be worthwhile for their children to experience, even if there are passages to which some may object.  It may be useful for parents to discuss these issues explicitly with their children, so that the children understand what they should and what they should not absorb from such books.

Filtering Techniques

It is much easier to enforce policy on reading material when children are not brought to the library or to bookstores.  It is also a good idea to explain parental policy to grandparents and anyone else who might purchase books for the children.

One filtering technique is to borrow or acquire books from a “white list” of pre-screened material.  Some Yeshivas have compiled such lists and may be willing to share them with parents.

Another option is for parents to screen the books themselves by reading or skimming the entire book.  A short cut is to begin by rejecting any book where the two main characters are a boy and a girl (unless they are siblings) and to read the last paragraph of the middle chapters. This might not catch all problems. Pictures should also be examined, since they are more powerful than words.

Staying in Tune with Your Children

Whether parents believe in stricter or looser control of their children’s reading, parents should try to read or at least skim through their children’s books.  Doing this helps parents enter their children’s world and examine issues that their children face.  Discussing books with the children is a nice way to facilitate open communication.  It’s also a great springboard for sharing and imparting parental values that will hopefully stay with the children for life.  A strong and open parent/child relationship makes it much easier for parents to convey their values and for children to internalize them.