From Younger Children

Articles that deal with topics relevant to children below school age

Helping Grandparents & Grandchildren Bond

 

Children gain immensely from having close relationships with grandparents.  A study conducted by the University of Oxford (https://www.ox.ac.uk/research/research-impact/grandparents-contribute-childrens-wellbeing) found that growing up with grandparents helps children cope better with adverse childhood experiences and trauma.  Unfortunately, the Covid-19 pandemic has made it much more difficult for grandparents and grandchildren to get together.

This article provides tips and ideas to help grandparents and grandchildren develop solid relationships, with a focus on remote bonding. These tips may also be useful to promote bonding with uncles/aunts, mentors, and absent (e.g. divorced) parents or distanced relatives.  To avoid confusion, we consistently refer to the oldest generation, which may include great-grandparents, as grandparents, the middle generation as parents, and the youngest generation as children.

Ideas for Parents

Model the Relationship

Grandchildren see that their parents value the grandparents when they frequently communicate with phone calls, video conferences, email, and text.  Parents may also share stories about the grandparents, explain their accomplishments, and show pictures.

Children take their cues from their parents.  Therefore, it is important to speak of the grandparents with respect and sensitivity.  Try to use the grandparents’ experiences when teaching values or life skills.

Show that visiting the grandparents is a priority and try to build up a sense of excitement and anticipation before arrival.  Parents may need to help grandparents prepare for the visit by planning ahead and making sure that there is age and hashkafically compatible toys and activities.

Prep the Grandchildren

Parents can start building a connection when the children are toddlers by showing them photos of the grandparents and telling them who is who.   Photos may be laminated and put on a chain for the children to play with.  It is also helpful for parents to mention grandparents regularly, e.g. we are making Bubby’s kugel recipe or Sabba taught me to do it this way.

Prep the Grandparents

It is easier for grandparents to “make conversation” with younger grandchildren if they are told (or texted) in advance about what is going on in the children’s lives.

Parents may also try to help grandparents think of special memories and family history to share with older grandchildren.  A brainstorming session might help to come up with a list of ideas to recollect dormant stories begging to be told.

Encourage Children to Reach Out

Parents may encourage their children to view grandparents as resources.  Grandchildren can tap grandparents for help with homework, puzzle solving, general knowledge, and so on.  Cooking is a great way to bond remotely as grandparents can send recipes and guide grandchildren through culinary ventures.

Create & Send Videos

This is a fun activity in itself, providing a creative outlet for children.  Daily activities, lively games, or skits may be recorded, uploaded, and sent to the grandparents.

Create a Family Newsletter or Book

Teenage grandchildren and cousins can coordinate this activity, especially during school breaks.  The coordinator can obtain material from each grandchild: a picture, a comment, or a paragraph, updating the grandparents and creating a family snapshot that will be treasured years later.

The book or newsletter may be sent to the grandparent to read to the grandchildren over the phone or video-conference.  Many (not all) children love to hear their own words read aloud.

Arrange Individual Visits

Where feasible, try to send one or two grandchildren for a day or a Shabbos with the grandparents rather than having the whole family go at once.  It is also nice to coordinate joint visits with a cousin close in age; aside from cultivating bonding, this may make it easier for the grandparent to entertain the child.  Before arranging such visits, parents need to assess whether the grandparents are physically and mentally up to hosting, feeding and entertaining children, especially, picky eaters or those who are easily bored.

 

Ideas for Grandparents

It is advisable to keep parents in the loop before trying these ideas.  This is especially important before sending books and activities to the grandchildren.  Grandparents also need to keep in mind the importance of treating grandchildren equally; consulting parents regularly may help grandparents avoid a perception of favoritism among their children.

Grandparents may want to keep in mind that it is not always within their power to build a relationship with the grandchildren.  There are many variables that can affect each situation. Some efforts do not succeed.  This does not make the grandparents into failures.

Using the Phone

Get a conference call number (they are available free on websites) to allow for reading to or schmoozing with grandchildren from multiple families.  One grandmother purchased copies of a book for each of her children, so that she could read it over the phone to all the cousins at once.

Simple word games can be played over the phone such as finding words that rhyme, or looking for synonyms, homonyms, etc.  These sorts of games promote literacy and increase vocabulary.

Family conference calls may also be used for sharing knowledge about family history.  Grandchildren may take turns asking questions to be answered on the next call.

My neighbor had a lovely idea that enabled her mother to connect with the great grandchildren.  Every Chanukah she would purchase the same children’s story book as a gift for each of her married children. Once a week, the young couples would call their grandmother, who would then read a follow-along bedtime story to her great grandchildren over the phone. This became so popular that neighborhood children, including my daughter, would go to my neighbor’s house to listen to the story.

Use the Post Office

Receiving an envelope addressed to them personally gives most children a thrill.  Along with a few lines, grandparents may include stickers or an interesting page such as a cartoon, a puzzle from an activity book (e.g. a maze or hidden pictures) or some jokes.  Aside from promoting bonding, this also provides conversation material for subsequent phone calls as grandparents follow up on the grandchildren’s reactions or as children call to thank the grandparent for the gift.

Video Conferencing Works

Zoom, Google Duo, Hangouts: these all allow grandparent and grandchild to see each other, while the grandparent reads to grandchild or grandchild shows his/her latest art project.  Even toddlers like to smile and wave at the picture in the screen.  Parents can hold up the phone while the grandparent and grandchild enjoy each other’s company.

If the children and grandparent use Zoom, hoopladigital.com allows a user to register their library card and download an electronic book that all zoom participants may look at together.

Video conferencing can also be used to play games remotely with older grandchildren.  One way to help the generations get to know each other better is to play games like The UnGame, a non-competitive game designed to help people connect by presenting a variety of off-beat questions (a card game variant is available for $10).

Build on Your Strengths

Share hobbies and passions with grandchildren: animals, baking, board games, puzzles, mystery book, and creative arts.  A challah baker, for example, might explore new recipes with a grandchild and try out different braiding and shaping techniques.  Where these activities cannot be done together, grandparent and grandchild can experiment separately and compare notes over the phone.

Musically inclined grandparents may find grandchildren who are interested in learning new songs or in swapping music videos.

Gardeners may send seeds and instructions for how to germinate and plant them.  This may “seed” conversation between the generations for weeks.

Send Used Books

There are websites which specialize in used books; https://www.betterworldbooks.com/ does not charge shipping and often runs promotions.  They stock Jewish books, too; one needs to know title or author to find them.  This allows grandparents to purchase a gift for their grandchildren for a small amount—under five dollars.  Shipment to foreign countries is very reasonable.

Parents should be asked in advance for guidelines for choosing books; a good idea might be to provide a wish list of authors and series.  When in doubt, the book can be addressed to the parent; just tell parents in advance that they should feel free to discard or donate books that they prefer not to have their children read.

Exchange Photos

Whether physical or over the computer, this is a nice way to share one’s interests and activities across the generations.

Write Memoirs, Collect Memorabilia

This is useful for older grandchildren, to help them see their grandparents in a fuller context and to feel connected to their family’s roots.

Give them Your Time

Grandchildren are most amenable to forming new relationships when they are young.  The more quality time that grandparents spend with them, the more they will see them as important in their lives as they get older.

Grandparents can interest themselves in the minutiae of grandchildren’s lives, praising accomplishments, giving them morale support during difficulties, and generally boosting their egos.  Grandchildren feel important when grandparents join them at milestone celebrations such as graduations and birthdays and at performances.  When grandparents cannot attend in person, grandchildren may appreciate it if they acknowledge the event by calling or video conferencing where feasible.

When They Visit…

Try to make your home a happy place, with the grandchildren’s favorite treats and appropriate toys and books.  Try to put away fragile or valuable possessions and to minimize opportunities for friction.  If you don’t have the right toys or foods for the grandchildren, ask the parents to supply them.  Good behavior may be reinforced through praise or little prizes, while negative behaviors, on short visits, ideally are ignored, since parenting and discipline should be done by the parents.  Note that discipline issues need to be discussed ahead when grandchildren spend significant time alone with grandparents.

I once sent one of my grandchildren upstairs to a bedroom to calm down… he totally refused and stayed on the stairs. I ignored it. Later, I found out that he is scared to be alone in a bedroom and is usually sent to the stairs to calm down.

It is wonderful when grandparents can clear their calendar ahead of a visit, especially from grandchildren who live far away, so that everyone can spend the maximum time with each other.  Preparing food ahead (or buying), using disposables, and ignoring the inevitable messes make the visit as pleasant as possible.

 

Keeping the Relationship Smooth

Everyone benefits when the generations get along.  This usually requires all parties to do their best to be as understanding, empathetic, and forgiving as humanly possible.

Counselors, mentors, or the family Rav may be tapped to advise when parents or grandparents feel at loss on how to handle a challenging situation.

Some areas prone to raise tensions:

Cultural Differences

Grandchildren might live in a highly dissimilar environment than their parents grew up in due to differences in religious practice, living in different countries, or different economic situations.  This may lead to misunderstandings between the generations.  Wherever practical, parents should try to foresee potential pitfalls and prepare grandparents and grandchildren in advance.  It may be necessary to consult a mentor or halachic authority when religious or hashakfic standards differ. When the parents and grandparents have solid relationships, differences will be bridged and awkward situations can turn into comic stories later.

Boundary Issues

Once they get married, children begin to separate from their parents, creating their own identity.  Values, hashkafa, and parenting style may be different from that of their grandparents.  Therefore, grandparents need to avoid trespassing on the parent’s prerogative of choosing how to raise their children.

Parents sometimes seem to expect grandparents to be available at all times.  Not every grandparent wants to be on call 24/7 and parents should ascertain the grandparent’s wishes in advance.

Avoid comparing parents to siblings and grandchildren to their cousins; avoid comparisons between the two sets of grandparents.

Grandparents and parents, especially the daughter-in-law or son-in-law, may have different standards of privacy and resent sharing information.

Boundary issues may be managed gracefully if each party tries to be sensitive to nuances in the other’s behavior or demeanor.  It is helpful to try to put oneself in the other party’s place to envision how they might feel about the relationship.  Keeping in mind that people change as they age.

Disappointed Expectations

Grandparents or parents may have idealized expectations of how relationships with the grandchildren would develop.  Not every grandparent is suited for playing with little children; some children are not good at relating to adults.

Younger siblings in a family may remember their parents as active, involved grandparents.  Ten or fifteen years later, these grandparents might not have the same energy or enthusiasm.  Older grandparents may wish that their children and grandchildren would have more time for them.

Parents or grandparents may try gently to explain their feelings; sometimes, problems are created unintentionally through miscommunication.  However, verbalizing points of contention and communicating expectations can easily create rifts.  Many times, the best strategy is to accept and make peace with these realities.

Favoritism to Siblings

Grandparents usually cannot treat each of their children and their families identically since circumstances vary.  Interactions with children who live further must differ from those who live nearby.  The relationship dynamic with daughters-in-law and sons-in-law is very different, too.  Moreover, grandparents may need to “favor” one set of parents over another for reasons that they cannot share with the siblings: e.g. confidential medical conditions.

Where feasible, it is helpful for grandparents to explain to other siblings the circumstances behind their decisions to “favor” one of the parents. If they cannot disclose the reason, they should acknowledge that there is a reason for their behavior to make it easier for all parties to give the benefit of the doubt.

Complicated Grandparent/Parent Relationship

Tension between the generations is not uncommon, especially when the parent had a challenging childhood.  It is best for all sides if the parent can let go and allow the grandparents to have a healthy relationship with their grandchildren.  This is more complicated if the parents were, or felt they were, abused by the grandparents and they may need to consult a mentor or professional.  Grandchildren should not be left alone with a grandparent if there is any possibility of abuse.

Parents might find it is helpful to keep in mind that many grandparents are better grandparents than they were parents.

Where There are Challenges…

Divorced Parents/Widows & Widowers

When custody is divided, each parent should be able to include their own parents in their children’s lives.  In practice, relationships between ex-in-law’s vary.  While some divorced parents try to remove their ex-in-laws from their children’s lives and milestones, others go out of their way to maintain their children’s connection with their “other” grandparents.  Children benefit when they are able to continue their pre-divorce relationships.

Grandparents may find themselves more involved with their grandchildren after parents divorce since their son/daughter may need their help to make up for the absent spouse.  If this places the grandparents closer to a parenting position, they may need to discuss discipline and other parenting issues with the parent.

Some of these issues apply also to single parent families where a spouse died.  It is usually beneficial for all when the remaining parent helps the grandparents from the other side stay involved and connected with the children of their deceased child.

Blended Families

When parents divorce or when a widow/widower remarries someone with children, grandparents may find themselves part of a blended family.  It is difficult to bring together two sets of children and form a healthy, contented new family unit.

Grandparents can play a positive role by befriending the step-grandchildren.  It is highly recommended that grandparents treat all grandchildren, including the “new” ones, equally by giving the same types of presents to each.  This may entail spending less per child, but the alternative is jealousy and hurt feelings that may never go way.  Another option may be for grandparents to quietly give money directly to their biological grandchildren’s bank accounts; however, financial information of this sort always comes out at some point.

Re-married parents may also encourage their children to befriend the parents of their step-father/mother, and make them feel part of the family. Both generations have much to gain in forming new relationships.

Single Grandparents

This category includes widows, widowers, and divorcees, all of whom may be living alone and longing for time with the parents and grandchildren.  Unfortunately, Covid-19 has drastically increased this category.

A grandparent who singlehandedly raised the parent may feel that s/he has priority over the other grandparents on enjoying nachas from the grandchildren.  When the parent validates the grandparent’s claims and makes genuine efforts to include the grandparent, it becomes much easier to maintain harmony and reduce resentment.

It is very difficult to maintain a balance between divorced grandparents, giving each one his/her due, especially where there is ill-feeling between them.  Parents are likely to need a mentor to guide them through complex situations.

Needy Grandparents

Children vary in how they are able to relate to fragile or sick grandparents.  Where possible, it is beneficial on both sides to encourage interaction, and this can be very meaningful for the grandchildren.  However, pushing a child too much can backfire.

Grandchildren are less likely to resent the time their parents spend taking care of a grandparent if the parents are meticulous in speaking about and treating the grandparent with the utmost respect.  This may instill a sense of pride in the grandchildren, that they are part of a family with a strong sense of loyalty and duty.

A parent submitted the following:

Something my mother instituted when I was going every 3rd night to be with her for weeks on end: she gave me her credit card number and insisted that she treats my kids to a supper of their choice every time I had a shift. This continued even when she was in a coma. My kids looked forward to these pizza/sushi/takeout suppers even though they knew it meant that I would be gone for the night. Besides the compensation aspect of the suppers it also created a very positive memory for my kids of a very difficult time period.

Not everyone can afford this kind of expenditure, but even a small treat may suffice and create good will.

Missing Grandparents

Grandchildren are likely to feel a sense of missing something in their identity when there is a grandparent who died before they met.  Parents can fill this gap by speaking about the grandparent, bringing him/her alive through stories, pictures, and memorabilia.  This may entail seeking out relatives or friends of the deceased to interview before it’s too late.

Parents may do their children a favor by “adopting” grandparents.  Chessed organizations often try to facilitate such relationships, since they are so beneficial to the older generation.  There may also be warm, outgoing couples in the parents’ social circle who may be delighted to bond with other people’s children, especially when their own grandchildren live in other communities.

Conclusion

Grandparents are in a position to greatly enrich the lives of their grandchildren.  Where parents facilitate bonding, they provide their children with the warmth of the elder’s love and the strength that comes from feeling rooted.

Parents and grandparents may need to keep in mind that however they try to maintain and/or build these relationships, outcomes are not necessarily going to be as positive as they hoped.  It is best to make the most of what one can achieve, without being overly invested in success.

Raising Respectful Children

 

One of the great gifts that parents can give their children is the ability to relate to others with genuine respect.  This is a significant challenge in a world where rebelliousness and extreme individualism are encouraged.  This article, geared to parents of young children, provides tips and strategies to set a healthy foundation for inculcating appropriate attitudes.

Why Respect is Important

The Need for Authority

Most children crave structure for a variety of reasons.  Deep down, they know that they are not competent to run their lives on their own.  In order to feel safe, they need to feel that adults are in charge.  This is why many children tend to keep pushing boundaries until they experience “push back” from authority.

Chutzpah as a Handicap

Lack of respect for others leads to problems for the child now and later as an adult.

Transmitting the Mesora:  Our values and tradition are based on the parent/child and teacher/student relationship.  An essential component of these relationships is the respect, admiration, and awe that the child or student has for the parent or a teacher.

Promoting Arrogance: People who are accustomed to saying what they want without regard to other’s feelings or station in life are seen as arrogant and unpleasant.  Disrespectful children are more likely to grow into adults who make difficult spouses and coworkers.  Moreover, arrogant people are less likely to benefit from life experiences because they react more often with anger rather than letting the lesson sink in.

While chutzpa is a problem in itself, it is often a symptom of underlying issues that are more urgent and need to be dealt with first.  Once those are resolved, if the disrespectful behavior persists, parents may be able to work with the child to improve this too.

Causes of Disrespectful Behavior

The educators, therapists and parents interviewed concurred that there is always an underlying reason for a child’s disrespectful behavior although it may be difficult to identify.  A common theme is that of a child having an unmet need and not being able to rectify the situation appropriately, either because of immaturity or because speaking respectfully hasn’t brought results.

Environmental

  • Young children get physically and emotionally depleted easily. After spending a day in preschool, a child may be unable to maintain appropriate conduct.  Similarly, children are liable to meltdowns when tired or hungry.
  • The child may be copying children who are disrespectful. Some children are prone to imitating the least respectful behavior they observe, including lapses in parental interactions with each other or with authority figures.
  • The disrespectful behavior may be caused by the child suffering from bullying at school, or from physical, emotional or other abuse at home or elsewhere.

Parenting

  • Blurred boundaries between parent and child, where the parent switches from friend to authority figure without warning make it difficult for the child to snap back into subordinate mode.
  • Parents persistently under-reacting (ignoring) or over-reacting (getting upset) to chutzpa leads to more of it.
  • Disappointment with the parents, perhaps because of their breaking promises or commitments, may cause disrespectful behavior. Parents are not always aware of how a child may decide that a tentative plan or a rule was a serious commitment.

Within the Child

  • Poor impulse control, innate aggressiveness, anger management challenges or emotional weaknesses may lead to defiance.
  • The child may not be fully aware of the differences in how one speaks to a parent, teacher, or peer. Parents and educators should take the child’s social maturity and level of social skills into account before determining that a behavior was chutzpadik.
  • The child might not know how to express deep emotions or frustration properly.

Lacking the social skills to apologize or to compromise, a child might resort to defiance from not knowing what to do next when there’s a social crisis.

  • Children who feel neglected, unloved, or treated unfairly are more likely to become defiant. This may occur when there is family member who needs extra care.

Creating a Healthy Framework

Modeling Appropriate Behavior

The most effective technique for teaching children respect is to model it in all interactions without exception: within the family (spouses, small children) and outside the family (neighbors, janitors, mailmen, etc.).

The Parent/Child Relationship

Children are wired to naturally look up to their parents.  In order to maintain this attitude, it is advisable for parents to develop a relationship with their children based on a sense of dignity and authority while simultaneously cultivating a warm relationship so that the child feels that his/her parents love and accept him/her.

Parents should avoid trying to be their child’s peer or friend, because this confuses the child into treating parents like peers.  Instead, parents should see their role as nurturing their child by providing for his/her physical and emotional needs and by imposing a framework that will allow him to develop self-discipline and life skills.  This does not mean that parents should place themselves on a pedestal since this often leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment on the child’s part.  The parents should try to be mentors and role models who are sincerely and deeply interested in the child’s welfare.

This relationship precludes the parent getting drawn into emotional conflicts with the child.  If they play competitive games, the parent should not be out to win but to help the child enjoy him/herself or to improve skills.  Should the child misbehave, the parent intervenes in order to help the child acquire better strategies, not in order to satisfy feelings of anger or disappointment.

Parents make it easier for their children to look up to them by conducting themselves with dignity in the home.  This includes maintaining a standard of dress appropriate for adults.  It may also be helpful to teach the children some of the halachos of honoring their parents: not sitting in their seats, standing up when they enter the room, etc.  However, these practices are best taught and enforced on behalf of others, such as the other spouse or the grandparents.

Boundaries for Children

While parenting involves setting boundaries to keep their children from seeing them as peers, parents themselves need to respect their children’s boundaries.   Parents do not own their children and are obligated to treat them with appropriate respect.  This precludes humiliating, screaming, and other demeaning behavior towards the children.

As little children grow into teenagers, the rules of parental engagement change, with parents being more like guides than directors.

Note: Establishing personal boundaries for children helps protect them against predators. This includes privacy in the bathroom and when dressing.  Allocating personal spaces for children: their own dresser, shelf, etc. also helps them learn that “their bodies belong to them”.

Using Words to Set Attitudes

Children can begin learning respect and gratitude when parents teach them, from the beginning, to say please and thank-you.  The later these terms are introduced, the harder it is to “re-program” the children.  These lessons are better absorbed when parents consistently use these terms also.  As the children grow, they may be taught to say “Excuse me” to request as opposed to demand attention.

Another method for inculcating respect is to train children while they are still young to refer to adults as Mr., Mrs., or Miss.  Where adults may be uncomfortable with such formality, a compromise is to use Uncle/Aunt for close family friends and Cousin as a prefix for relatives.

Setting Family Rules

There is less scope for conflict and defiance if expectations are laid out in advance.  It is worthwhile for parents to take time to think about what is important to them and is worth investing time and emotional energy in enforcing consistently.  Having the toys picked up?  Children in bed on time?   Table cleared and dishes washed immediately after supper?  There have to be priorities.  This is an individual matter to be decided per family.  Rules may be compiled to express the family’s preference.  These rules become red-lines to be enforced.  The fewer the rules, the less scope for disrespect.  Moreover, it is easier to be consistent when enforcing fewer rules.

Implementing a Discipline System

Parenting programs such as Love and Logic (Mrs. Becky Udman teaches a frum version https://www.beckyudmanparenting.com/ ) and 1 2 3 Magic are designed to give parents a system for improving parent/child relationships and instilling obedience and cooperation.  The advantage of such systems is that they decrease the scope for making ad hoc disciplinary decisions which may be swayed by parental emotions.

While these programs have been helpful for many families, educators sometimes find them more harmful than helpful.  Moreover, what works with one child might not be effective with another.  It is a good idea to consult a Rav or Mechanech(es) who knows the children before embarking on one.

The Limits of Respect

While parents are teaching children to treat others with respect, unfortunately, they need to explain to children that if someone (grandparent, sibling, babysitter, neighbor, tutor, etc.) makes them feel uncomfortable, they should try to leave and must quickly inform their parents or another trusted adult.  The principle of automatic respect for elders has been used to cover abuse and children need to be taught “run, yell and tell!”.

The Center for Jewish Family Life/Project YES (845 426-2243) is a resource to learn more about protecting children. Project YES has been at the forefront of efforts to keep children safe from abuse for the past fifteen years. Together with Artscroll/Mesorah, they co-published the landmark child safety book “Let’s Stay Safe,” available in all Judaica stores that carry Artscroll books.

 

Heading off Inappropriate Behavior

Keeping expectations realistic may be a good starting point for managing children’s behavior.  Parents may want to consult Rebbeim, Morahs, and/or a few friends with slightly older children to learn behavioral norms for the children’s age range.  Parents might find The Yardsticks series by Chip Wood helpful as it clearly lays out children’s developmental stages.

Planning Outings

Outings should be planned as much as possible around the children’s needs, schedules, and temperament.  Admittedly, this is less feasible where there are children of different ages and interests.  However, parents may pack food and drinks and include resting time in the itinerary to avoid overwhelming the children.  Children should also be prepared in advance to know what to expect and they should be coached about how to behave.

Picking up Signals

Behavior is communication.  If a preschooler refuses to cooperate to go out in the afternoon, this may mean that s/he’s “had it” for the day.  Consider dropping or rescheduling optional outings or activities.

Preparing for Angry Outbursts

If a child is prone to intense fits of temper (meltdowns), it may help to plan ahead with the child for the next outburst.  Parent and child may prepare a box with calming activities: toys, music, books, solitary games, gum, etc.  Depending on the child’s needs, it may be good to include toys or gadgets that help with sensory integration issues.  A parent can work with the child in advance, perhaps through role playing, to demonstrate how, when the child begins to feel that s/he is losing control, to self-soothe with the contents of the box.  An important advantage of this approach is that this starts the child on the path toward greater self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Children’s books are available that deal with anger; parents may find it useful to read these with children who suffer from anger problems.

Note: It is also important to investigate potential causes. For example, some children struggle with sensory integration and are easily overwhelmed

Educational Resources

Pediatricians or school staff who know the child may be able to recommend books or CDs with proven approaches to handling children with specific issues. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk  (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish) is recommended for using empathy to improve relationships within the family.

Dealing with Chutzpa

The universal rule for dealing with defiance is to maintain composure.  The child has “won” if s/he succeeds in pushing a parent into an emotional outburst.  Parental responses need to be low-key in order to de-escalate the situation.  Where possible, having the other parent deal with the child may defuse a nasty situation.  In general, the worst time to teach children about respect is when parent and child are overwrought.

Parents who find it difficult to regulate their reactions to defiance may find it useful to seek outside guidance.

Very Young Children

When children start to speak, they may begin speaking inappropriately to their parents out of ignorance or from a desire to experiment.  This is the time for parents to explain that “This is not how we speak to Mommy.”

Young children may disobey explicit rules in order get attention or out of curiosity—what will happen if I break the rule?  They are trying to understand how their world functions, what is expected of them, and what happens next.  This is why they are prone to test limits until someone pushes back.

Distraction is often recommended when little children start acting out.  Removing the object, or the child, is feasible at this age.  There is usually an underlying need when the child misbehaves, e.g. a need for exercise.  Finding an alternative activity that meets this need will effectively solve the problem.

As much as possible, parents should try to explain to the child what s/he is feeling and why s/he is misbehaving, whether or not they are able to alleviate the problem.  This in itself may calm the child, since it is scary to have strong feelings that one cannot understand.

Temper Tantrums

A tantrum, as opposed to a genuine loss of control, is a manufactured, manipulative action to take control.  If the tantrum cannot be ignored, an effective reaction is to repeat, very calmly, something along the lines of “We’re don’t do this. Stop it.” over and over again.

If the child totally loses control (a child can work him/herself into a frenzy), the focus should be on keeping the child and the environment safe until the fit subsides.

Avoiding Impulsive Parenting

The first time an unexpected inappropriate behavior occurs, parents may be best off overlooking it and seeing if it happens again.  One’s initial reactions may not be correct and it is better to give oneself time to think it over and to get advice.  Consider if the child truly meant to be obnoxious, or whether s/he simply made an error.  Much depends on the child’s developmental level.  It is generally better to give a child the benefit of the doubt than to label him/her as defiant.

A compromise may be to gently tell the child that this was not the right way to act/speak without labeling him/her as chutzpadik. Later, when the situation is calmer, parents may privately discuss with the child the difference between respectful and disrespectful speech and behavior.

Teaching Respect

Telling people to respect you tends not to work.  Modeling respectful behavior is far more effective in the long run.  In addition, a parent may tell a child to treat the other parent or other adults, especially grandparents more respectfully.

The best time to deal with a child who tends to be verbally aggressive is when parent and child are both calm.  Mother might say, “Let’s practice how we talk to Mommy when we’re angry.”  If it’s a recurrent problem, parents may model an incident, showing the appropriate way to express oneself.  The key is to help the child expand his/her range of possible responses to frustrating or difficult situations.

If a child is casually nasty, parents may tell him/her to apologize and then seek the cause for this behavior.  Should aggressive behavior continue, teaching the child the concept of restitution may be effective. For instance, if the speech hurt a sister’s feelings, a mere apology is not enough. The child must give the sister a good feeling, i.e. a card made especially for the sister or sharing of a toy. This helps the child attune properly into feelings of another person.

Tips for Correcting the Child

  • Make it clear that this for the child’s benefit. It should never be about the parent’s feelings or the parent’s need for respect.
  • Avoid aggressive body language such as towering over the child or speaking in the child’s face. Communication is more effective when the parent speaks with palms out, not down at their side. For younger children, the parent may find it helpful to bend down to the child’s level.
  • Avoid responses that silence the child. The child is trying to communicate a message that the parents need to know and the child needs to feel that the parent wants to understand his/her message.  Some examples: “I very much want to hear what you’re saying; please tell me when you’re ready.”  “I understand that you are really upset that …. I’m sorry I cannot do what you wanted”.  It may be necessary to repeat these lines, calmly, until the child is ready to speak appropriately.

Conclusion

When teaching a child how to ride a bike, the child needs an understanding of the mechanics of the bike. How does it work? How does it get fixed? The history and the philosophy behind the bike may also be important. But, more than just the facts are needed. The parent needs to model the behavior. The parent must show the child how to ride the bike. This concept is the same with behavior.

 

Those Long Friday Evenings

 

Each year, when the clock changes in the fall, we enter the “early Shabbos” period, lasting for about three months.  With Shabbos starting around 4:15PM, most families are finished with their Friday night meal by 8:00.  What happens next?

A Precious Opportunity

Many parents are pressured and time-starved as they juggle work, household duties, various obligations, and their children’s needs.  In addition, they may be distracted by telephone calls, text messages, and emails.  It is very hard to focus exclusively on the children.  Shabbos is the antidote to this problem, since through its restrictions, it provides parents and children with time to reconnect.  It is crucial that parents utilize this opportunity in the most optimal way, since Shabbos is also the prime medium through which young children experience both family and Yiddishkeit.  The earlier years of childhood are the best time to build the bonds to both.

Families employ different strategies to utilize the long Friday nights of winter to their full potential.  Parents should try to be attuned to their children’s response to their chinuch plans.  What works for some children does not necessarily work for others, and children’s tastes are likely to change as they grow older.

Creating A Post-Seuda Experience

Some parents make a quick seuda on Friday night.  This leaves time for a new venue for their weekly get-together with the children.

Forming a Special Venue

A nice idea, especially for younger families, is to have all the children get into nighttime clothing, fetch their sleeping bags, and stage a pajama party.   A blanket draped or tied over some chairs makes an impromptu tent.  Favorite dolls or stuffed animals can be brought in, even by children who have outgrown them.

Post-Seuda Treats

An extra cholent, popcorn, grape juice slush: parents may use their imagination or consult with the children to decide on special food to make Friday nights stand out.

Activities

  • Discuss the week, preferably emphasizing the positive in keeping with Shabbos spirit.
  • Each child suggests a song in turn.
  • Parsha, Divrei Torah, Inspirational Story.
  • Games: Jewish-themed games are the ideal on Shabbos: guessing games or Jewish versions of Lotto and the like.  Some children may prefer classic board games (Monopoly, Sorry, Perpetual Commotion, etc.), puzzles and brain teasers, classic activity games like Simon Says, Red Light/Green Light, Hide & Seek, card games.  If the children don’t seem interested in the family’s games, parents may ask them to inform them in advance about the latest games.  Note that there is a toy library in Passaic: call 973 472 5414 for more information.
  • Acting: Children or parents may stage puppet shows, perform a play, or charades perhaps based on the parsha or on material they are` learning in Yeshiva. A puppet show may be an effective modality for parents to convey a message that their children would not be willing to hear directly.

Having the evening’s activities revolve around a Torah idea: a posuk, a midda, or a mitzvah allows parents and children to be creative while deepening their understanding of an important concept.

Older children might not want to participate but may enjoy reading quietly (and listening in) somewhere in the room.  Later, they might appreciate their own one-on-one time with a parent.

Prolonging the Seuda?

For other families, having a long, leisurely Friday night seuda might work better.  Older children have more stamina to sit at the table and just talk, provided that the conversation is pitched to their interests.  Parents may begin the seuda with singing and parsha sheets pitched towards younger siblings and switch gears after putting the young ones to bed.

Parents may want to take their children’s interests into account when inviting guests for a long Friday night seuda.  Some guests stimulate good conversation and enhance the dynamic around the Shabbos table.  In general, it is advisable for parents to give their children’s needs priority during sensitive times when they are growing up, since this is the best period for fostering a strong, resilient relationship with parents and Yiddishkeit.

Older Siblings

Not every teen wants to bond with parents and young siblings on Friday night.  And, even if they secretly enjoy family-based activities, they may resent having their approval taken for granted.  During the week, parents may ask their teen how s/he would like to “play out” Friday night.

One option may be to invite a friend for a sleepover after the seuda.  For some families, it may pay to split the parenting, with one parent cozying up with the younger children while the other hangs out in another room with the older ones.

Sometimes, it is best to opt out of family-based activities for the teens and organize an oneg instead.  Parents of teens in the same crowd may organize a rotating oneg, serving food, singing, sharing divrei Torah…  Aside from keeping one’s child in a safe environment, this may be the parents’ best chance to meet their child’s friends and learn more about his/her life.

Friday Night Learning Programs

These learning programs offer fathers another option for spending time one on one with their sons.  While reviewing material covered in school is the obvious option, fathers may consider other kinds of learning.  Pirkei Avos, for example, is a good springboard for hashkafa or mussar discussion.  However, fathers should not assume that their sons share their interests, since some boys just want to cover their weekly chazara.  Fathers may ask their sons to suggest topics.

It is a good idea for parents to ascertain whether their sons really enjoy the Bais Medrash experience or whether they want a break from learning.  Some boys need a push to get out of the house, but once they’re at the program, they benefit.  For others, being pushed to learn, in or out of the house, is counter-productive and best avoided.

Note: Single mothers are extremely grateful when men offer to learn with their sons or to take them to shul and look after them.

Discussing Hashkafa

Spending quality time with their children on Friday evenings provides parents with their chance to supplement what the children are taught in school.  Hashkafa, or Mussar or Chassidic-based teachings may enrich the childrens’ spiritual lives.  While children, especially girls, are taught hashkafa in school, this is usually integrated into lesson plans in chumash, navi, and the like.  Therefore, children may not realize how much they are receiving at school.  Discussing topics at home gives children a chance to articulate their positions and explore different viewpoints without feeling judged by their peers or their teachers.  For boys in junior high school this may be their best chance to obtain this type of learning since their Yeshiva curriculum at this age tends to focus mostly on gemara.

Open-ended discussions may be stimulated by having a parent or older child read a meaningful story aloud.  Rabbi Yitzchak Eisenman’s short vorts often work well to stimulate thoughtful conversations.

An Opportunity Missed…

Parents are often very fatigued on Friday nights and may succumb to the temptation to “crash” and sleep from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM.  However, we are finding boys as young as 7th and 8th grade roaming the streets on Friday night, bored and looking for something to do.  The night life in our community contains elements to which parents do not want their children exposed.

Talking About Tzniyus

 

Tzniyus is one of the primary themes in the chinuch of our daughters.  While there are inspiring explanations for this fundamental mitzvah, this post focuses on providing parents with practical tips to help their daughters develop tzniyus as an internal value.  We do not advocate any specific halachic approach to tzniyus observance.  However, our premise is that parents want to raise self-confident daughters who choose their look based on spiritual values as well as fashion and style.

We would like to thank the parents, Mechanchim, and Mechanchos who contributed to this article.  Special thanks to the talmidos and alumnae of our local Yeshivos for their help in reviewing and editing.

Some Challenges of Tzniyus

  • Peer Pressure: Girls face enormous pressure to conform to the norms of their social group.
  • External Influences:  The styles prevalent in general society permeate our community despite our efforts to live an insular lifestyle.
  • Difficulty Finding Appropriate Clothes:  Much of the clothing available in stores or catalogs is not tzniyusdik.
  • Strong Sense of Style:  Some girls see clothing as their creative outlet and do not want to be constrained by rules.
  • Carelessness:  Maintaining tzniyus entails attention to details to make sure that clothing conforms to the standards, continues to fit in a tzniyusdik manner amid growth spurts and is worn correctly.

The Mother’s Role

A daughter’s adherence to tzniyus often reflects that of her mother.  Mothers may consider the following tips:

Decide Your Values

In order to transmit something as complex as tzniyus, mothers must be clear about their own tzniyus practices and beliefs.  This may involve research: reading books, listening to lectures, or speaking to mentors to decide which standard to practice and to choose for the children.

Parents should try to find a Yeshiva with a hashkafa that is compatible with their own.  Once parents choose which Yeshiva and which chinuch they want for their children, the family is best off if they align themselves with the Yeshiva’s approach even if the standard may be higher than what they are currently practicing.  Parents should try to dress in accordance with the school’s rules, especially when they visit the school.

Be consistent

Children are highly attuned to mixed signals from their parents.  Teens are prone to label inconsistent behavior on their parents’ part as hypocrisy.  Therefore, the mother has to be very careful to always dress in strict conformity to the rules that she chose.  If she is always firm with herself, her children will have a stronger grasp of what is right and what is wrong for their family.

Focus on Tzniyus on a Personal Level

For many women, tzniyus is a spiritual journey in which they raise their level of observance as they grow spiritually.  Children are likely to respect their mother and tzniyus itself as they see her efforts to improve.

Tzniyus groups such as Peninim are based on the idea that when mothers raise their standards, this gives girls moral support to adhere to tzniyus.  To find out more about Peninim in the Passaic/Clifton community, contact Mrs. Aviva Gross, (973) 473 – 3824.

Create an Open Relationship with Children

Given today’s challenging chinuch environment, it is essential that parents build an open relationship with their children based on trust and open communication.  Children need to know that their parents love them, want only the best for them, and are genuinely interested in hearing their point of view.  Mothers must make it clear to their daughters that they want their daughters to look attractive and to fit in socially while dressing tzniyusdik.  The message to be conveyed is that tzniyus is for the sake of the children themselves, rather than for the parents’ comfort or social standing.

In the short term, parents may need to ask their Rav whether maintaining the relationship may require compromising on their children following certain rules, including tzniyus.

Keep Up with Clothing Trends

Social survival for girls means dressing according to the fashions prevalent in their class.  Daughters are more likely to respect their mother if their mother can speak intelligently about what is “in”.  And, it’s easier on the mother/teen relationship when the mother dresses nicely.

Introducing Tzniyus

There are different halachic approaches to when girls need to dress according to tzniyus guidelines for wearing skirts, skirt and sleeve length, and socks or stockings.  Parents may find tzniyus easier for their daughter when they start early.

An advantage of inaugurating some tzniyus practices at age three is that this corresponds with the age that boys begin to wear tzitzis.  The daughter can be told that tzniyus is her mitzvah as she comes of age.  Tightening the standards gradually may be viewed as passing development milestones (e.g. “this is your last summer wearing short socks”).  Preschoolers are often excited to start wearing their school uniform and may be happy to incorporate the same standards in the rest of their clothing.

Parents often tell their little girls that they are princesses, and therefore have to dress to a higher standard.  This works until around age six. Many parents have been successful with telling their daughters that dressing in a less tzniyus way does not “pas” or befit such a “chosheve” girl; this is effective for girls who have an innate sense of dignity.

The concept of tzniyus is often best acquired by practicing it.  When parents dress their young children with tzniyusdik clothing, they cultivate a sense of refinement in dress that cannot be conveyed through lectures.  This is also the time to set the norms for the children. Parents may also reinforce the message by admiring their daughter’s appearance: “You look so nice!”, when her clothing conforms to tzniyus guidelines.

More hands-on opportunities to teach daughters about tzniyus arise when mother and daughter go shopping together.   While trying on a questionable garment, the mother may tell her daughter, “I like this dress but I wouldn’t feel good about myself if I’d wear it.”  The daughter should see that her mother also gets tempted and is able to say no.

Promoting Tzniyus

Girls are more likely to internalize the values and practices of tzniyus if the concept is presented as part of an attractive package rather a set of restrictions.  The tips that follow are more likely to be effective if tzniyus is not explicitly mentioned.

  • Invite families and singles who share the parental tzniyus values, dress attractively, and are fun to be with.
  • Starting from the early years, try to help the children develop friendships with classmates who share the family’s values. This may be a factor in deciding where to live.
  • Find chessed activities run by older girls who model the appropriate dress. There are many opportunities in the community for girls to help, including Project Give and Kool Kids.
  • Talk about women who have made a difference in our history and those are currently or recently active in the community, in order to highlight the importance of the woman’s role in a Torah community.

When girls realize that they have potential to have an impact on their world, they may be more willing to see their personality, skills and talents as their predominant means of self-expression as opposed relying only their clothing for this purpose.

Going Shopping

Ideally, shopping should be a pleasant time for mother/daughter bonding. It is a good idea to plan ahead so that both mother and daughter are not stressed by hunger, time constraints and the like.  Shopping may be seen as a fun mitzvah, to find clothing that will make the girl look attractive while following the halachos of tzniyus.

Researching in advance the fashions, the temptations, and the likely scenarios pays off.  This allows mother and daughter to discuss before the trip what is and what isn’t going to be allowed.  It is also helpful to work out a word or signal that mother should use if she feels that a garment is not tzniyusdik, to minimize embarrassment for the daughter.

Finding tzniyusdik clothing is easier in the frum stores, although this is not guaranteed.  It may be helpful to find a role model who dresses stylishly within the tzniyus parameters, and to shop in accordance with her look.  When mother and daughter have a conflict over a clothing item, the mother should begin by validating her daughter’s desire for the garment: “You do look good in it, but what image do you want to present?”  Spending money on nice accessories can sweeten compromises over clothing.

A skillful seamstress (or a family member) may be able to save the day by altering a dubious garment into a tzniyus one.  There are many ways to work with problematic clothes, and it is helpful for savvy mothers (and daughters) to share tips.  Some examples: using shells, taking in shoulder areas, adding a band of material on top to lengthen skirts, adding material to close a slit…

Parents may need to spend serious money on the clothing.  This can be seen as the hiddur mitzvah.  Daughters should see that parents take the mitzvah seriously and are willing to “put their money where their mouth is”.   Note: gemachs (in and out of town) often carry new or gently used tzniyusdik clothing.

Parents should be aware that sending their daughter shopping with a peer or a relative with different values (grandmother, aunt) may cause tzniyus conflicts if the shopper does not share their tzniyus values.  It is very hard to tell a daughter to return clothing.

Avoiding Power Struggles

Using tact is may avoid loading tzniyus with negative associations.

  • “Let’s go shopping!” – when clothing gets outgrown and therefore, less tzniyusdik
  • “What a dignified outfit!” – when pointing out an example of a tzniyusdik look
  • “That doesn’t look so refined” – when daughter is interested in something less appropriate
  • “That top could use a scarf; do you want to borrow one of mine?” – when daughter enters room wearing a dubious shirt.
  • “Not sure if you can tell but I’m noticing …(insert tzniyus problem – such as, “your sweater is pulling a bit, skirt riding up, etc.)”

In general, tzniyus-related comments have the most impact when given with brevity, nonjudgmentally, and without looking to get into a conversation.

Some teens need their space to experiment with different looks.  It is essential that parents minimize fights over tzniyus, because this creates baggage and resistance for future improvement.  Parents should discuss clothing issues with Rebbetzins and experienced friends to get a better idea of when to give in.

Helping a Daughter with Tzniyus

When a girl deliberately adopts a tzniyus level lower than that of her peer group, it may be due to a number of factors.

Some teens feel a need to experiment with their dress to try out different identities: am I a Yeshivish?   Modern?  A girl might simply prefer a more relaxed, open look than that of her parent’s social circle.  Or, she may be socializing with a less tzniyusdik crowd.

It is important to bear in mind that many girls do experience small-scale challenges with tzniyus at some point in their teenage years. Small changes in dress here and there are normal, and handled tactfully, go away on their own.

Dressing inappropriately may also be due to frustration or to a lack of connection to parents, school, or friends.  In high school, for example, the social scene can be intense and brutal.

To help their daughter, parents may begin with consulting the girl’s Morah or Mechaneches.   The family Rav or a someone experience with teens may also be able to give advice.  Parents should keep in mind that “cracking down” on a teenager may be highly counter-productive. A compromise may entail letting their daughter dress the way she wants in her room at home.

Sometimes, a hobby may be needed to provide her with a more suitable outlet and to build her self-confidence.  There are a variety of extra-curricular activities available in our community, including arts and crafts, dance, gymnastics, and more.  An activity that involves physical movement may help some girls feel more comfortable in their skin, and therefore, more at ease with tzniyus.

If the daughter is struggling, parents may discreetly ask someone: an older sibling, cousin, sister-in-law, or aunt to spend time with her on regular basis.  They could also shop together, minimizing tension with the mother.

In general, dressing highly inappropriately in our community is one way a girl may express her inner pain. Our recommendation is to counter this with lots of unconditional love on the part of her parents, her teachers, and other role models, rather than with lectures or pointers on how to improve her mode of dress.

Does she need professional counseling?

There is a spectrum of tzniyus standards.  When a teen dresses to a lower standard than her parents, she may see this as her choosing a different hashkafa, rather than a symptom of an underlying emotional or mental health issue.

When deciding whether their daughter has deeper problems, parents should examine the way the rest of the family dresses.  If the sons’ manner of dress is less strict, it’s easier to understand if the daughters do not conform to a higher standard either.  And, daughters cannot be blamed if their clothing matches that of their mother.

Some other questions to ask are: does the daughter seem otherwise well-adjusted?  Does she seem content?  Get good grades?  Goal oriented?  Maintain relationships with a set of stable friends?  If most of the answers are yes, it’s probably a hashkafa rather than a therapy (psychological) issue.

If the girl seems to seriously want to attract male attention, parents should consult someone who understands teens, i.e. a therapist or a specialist in at-risk children.

Discussing Tzniyus

Girls vary in how much they are interested in learning about tzniyus.  Some just want to be told the rules and left alone (or so they imply).  For others, tzniyus is an issue that must be discussed over and over. Many girls express the desire to learn the hashkafa and reasons for tzniyus, as opposed to learning rules and halachos in isolation.  Parents need to stay attuned to their children’s reactions when they initiate discussions, so that they use the right approach.  In addition, maintaining an open relationship allows children to bring up any question or topic without feeling judged.

There are many approaches to understanding tzniyus and it’s hard to know in advance which approach will “speak” to a girl.  For example, telling girls that their dress code is meant to protect the men’s spirituality is often counter-productive, since most girls neither understand nor sympathize, but may lose respect for men.  It is a good idea for both parents to research the topic and learn a few ways to explain the hashkafos behind the practices of tzniyus.  There are many good books and speakers on the topic.  Where children are in contact with people who dress differently, parents are even more obliged to be prepared to defend the family’s approach to tzniyus.

Tzniyus, sitting at the juncture between the personal/public, bodily/spiritual and authentic/superficial, is too vital a topic to neglect.  Parents may occasionally try to bring up topics related to this wider concept of tzniyus and see where they lead, to benefit from exploring their thoughts on this important subject.

Conclusion

Transmitting the mesora to one’s children entails that parents accomplish the following:

  • Show the children that living their lives according to Torah is the best way to live.
  • Build a relationship with the children based on trust and unconditional love.
  • Understand that chinuch needs to be customized for each child; there is no “one size fits all”

To close, when it comes to tzniyus, a prominent Rebbetzin states, “”I am a believer in ‘easy-does-it’ versus the sledgehammer approach.”

We wish our readers hatzlacha with their children.

Cleaning for Pesach with Little Children

Preparing the house for Pesach is a yearly challenge for many housewives.  When there are young children, the task is more complicated, since little children cannot be relied on to follow rules and chometz might be lying anywhere in the house.  In addition, children need care during Pesach preparation time, and they are off from school during the critical week before Pesach.  In this article, compiled from interviewing experienced homemakers and other community members, we provide ideas and tips to make cleaning for Pesach less stressful for the entire family.

Why “Make Pesach”?

Many young couples have the option of spending the entire Pesach with their parents.  Nevertheless, couples should consider the reasons to make Pesach in the early years of their marriage.  Practice makes the process easier and younger parents often have more time, energy and flexibility than they will have later.  When couples keep postponing making their own Pesach, the task builds itself up into something they feel incapable of accomplishing later on.

Moreover, life is unpredictable: due to pregnancy, changes in family dynamics, or other events; the family may not have the option to go to the grandparents the following year.  In addition, some children do not travel well and have trouble sleeping or behaving properly in a different environment. It may be worthwhile to create the capability to spend Pesach in one’s own home this year, by preparing the house for chol hamoed, so that spending the Yom Tov at home is a more feasible option in the future.

Young parents sometimes make Pesach in their own home in order to provide their children with a seder customized to their age, temperament, and interests.  This is something to discuss with a Rav or mentor, since making one’s own seder means giving up the mesora one gains from a multi-generational seder at the grandparents.

 

“Don’t Throw the Kids Out with the Chometz”

This quote from a community Rav neatly sums up the balance parents need to strike between preparing a Pesach that is kosher vs. a Pesach that is sameach (joyful).  It violates the spirit of Pesach when the yom tov acquires bitter associations of anger and tension between the parents and children.  The best way to mitigate this potential is to plan ahead.

Speak with a Rav

Parents need to decide how much of the house they are going to clean and how they are going to clean it.  There are different standards and methods for preparing a place for Pesach.  Typically, parents of young children are under perennial stress due to sleep deprivation and the physical demands of childcare. Therefore, it may be a good idea for them to adopt a less ambitious and less labor intensive Pesach cleaning.  It is helpful to consult a Rav at the outset to strike the correct balance between responsibility to halacha and the need to maintain the physical and emotional health of the family.  The Rav should be able to direct the parents to a Pesach preparation guide that is right for them.

Before speaking with their Rav, parents should think about the specific challenges their family faces.  Listing the number of children and their ages does not give an accurate picture of the family’s situation, since children vary considerably in their obedience, neatness, and need for attention.  Parents, too, vary in energy level, availability, and ability to cope with stress.   Financial resources, i.e. the ability to hire help and buy prepared food, and human resources, i.e. relatives who can take care of the children or feed the family the Shabbos before Pesach, also differ.  A family that finds it difficult to keep up with meals, laundry, and normal Shabbos preparation should make this clear to their Rav.

Plan Ahead

Once parents have decided what must be done to prepare for Pesach, they need to determine how they will accomplish it.  This includes deciding how much to budget for expenses such as cleaning help, babysitting, or eating out.  It also includes scheduling the different tasks.

Think About Logistics

When should the car be clean enough to buy Pesach groceries?  How will the stroller, the car seat, the van, and the couch stay chometz-free once they are thoroughly cleaned?

Parents should also consider how much of the kitchen should be made Pesach-dik.  Every cabinet and every surface devoted to Pesach use must be emptied, cleaned and/or covered; after Pesach, the process must be reversed.  It pays, therefore, to minimize the area to turn over.   A great labor saver is to close off the cabinets and set up a table in an adjoining room to hold Pesach supplies.

Meals Before Pesach

The family needs to eat during Pesach cleaning, and even when the kitchen is turned over.   Many families buy Pesach-dik snacks and convenience foods.   Some mothers try to make this stressful time more cheerful by purchasing Pesach-dik treats and fast food they would not permit the rest of the year.  The advantage of giving the children kosher l’Pesach snacks is if crumbs are found in a “cleaned” room, they are likely to be non-chometz.  Mother may also cook Pesach-dik food for the family and/or offer non-chometz snacks such as fruit, cheese, or yogurt.

Another approach is to set up a self-contained chometz area, usually in the basement or garage, equipped with table, chairs, toaster oven, and/or a burner and a mini-refrigerator.  Either the area is cleaned after each use or the family must allocate time on Erev Pesach to clean it thoroughly.  If they do not need the area for Yom Tov, they may be able to sell it.

Make Lists

After consulting a calendar, parents may create a count-down of the tasks that need to be accomplished by sun-down Erev Pesach.  Shopping lists, too, may be generated in advance.  The goal is to be able to work when there is free time rather than having to stop and think.  Lists may be reused from year to year; keeping them in a notebook or on the computer makes this easier. It is useful to add “post scripts” after Pesach to note what worked well and what to change the following year.

Reserve Help 

If parents have regular cleaning help, they should try to increase the hours before Pesach.  If they do not have cleaning help, they should begin looking for some well ahead of time.  Cleaning services and carpet cleaners get booked weeks ahead of Pesach.  Note: It is difficult to book a cleaning lady to clean just for Pesach and they sometimes do not show up for a non-regular client.  Cleaning services are more reliable, but much more expensive.  An alternative may be to ask a friend who is not cleaning for Pesach to “lend” her cleaning help.

Parents should also try to find extra babysitting before Pesach.  Younger daughters may be available, since older siblings take care of a large portion of the cleaning.  Reaching out to even an eight year old neighbor may be worthwhile, as s/he may be able to entertain the kids while the parents work.

Shop Ahead

If there is a secure area to store things for Pesach, parents may begin shopping for the equipment they know they will need: pots, peelers, knives, etc.  It may also be worthwhile to begin shopping for non-perishables, especially if they are on sale.  Kosher meat and poultry tend to be kosher for Pesach all year round; if there is free, clean space in the freezer, it may pay to stock up.

“Spring Clean”

Mothers frequently combine spring cleaning with Pesach cleaning, because the tasks often mesh well and it’s nice to have a clean house for Yom Tov.  The problem is that spring cleaning expands the task of chometz removal, tiring the parents, and stressing the family.  A compromise is to begin spring cleaning well before Pesach, perhaps around Tu B’Shvat.  After  Purim is a good time to switch to chometz removal.

Certain types of spring cleaning are useful preparation for Pesach.  Getting rid of clutter in closets and drawers make the task of bedikas chometz much easier and more effective.  Removing and washing drapes and linens sometimes exposes concealed chometz.  Washing the light fixtures and wiping the windows and the moldings is less relevant to Pesach preparation and might be skipped or rescheduled for another time of the year.

 

 

When & Where to Begin

The general approach to Pesach cleaning is to start at the periphery, that is, the areas furthest from the kitchen and work one’s way to the kitchen via the living room and dining room until “turnover” time.  The main concern here is the likelihood that more chometz will enter a cleaned area after it has been declared chometz-free.  Much depends on the age and personality of the children—do they tend to wander with chometz?  How likely are they to stash food?   Some children actively seek out their favorite chometz foods, even climbing to reach high cabinets.

For such families, it is a wasted effort to clean for Pesach (as opposed to spring cleaning) until a week or two before Yom Tov.  At that point, they may need to “blitz” through the house possibly into the early morning hours.  They might find it useful to begin their Pesach cleaning in areas less accessible or less interesting to the children: upper cabinets and upper shelves.

Pesach cleaning may begin with cleaning the less essential kitchen items, such as cookie cutters or specialized equipment, and putting them away in sealed bags.  It is easier to work on the kitchen if parents commit themselves relatively early to stop baking before Pesach.  Mother may spend the week after Purim preparing and freezing casseroles to eat during the hectic week before Pesach.  Pack the meals in microwave safe containers, so they can be reheated even after the oven is Pesach-dik.  This is also a good time to take a thorough inventory of the refrigerator and pantry, discarding chometz that is unlikely to be consumed, and deliberately consuming what is still usable.  This saves much time during the critical turnover process.

The Toys

Less used toys may be cleaned and put away weeks before Pesach and given back to the children when the house is Pesach-dik.  Small pieces, such as lego and clicks, may be put into a tied-up pillow case and washed with the laundry (try this with small quantities first).  Another option is to sell all or most of the toys rather than cleaning them and give the children a special set of Pesach toys.  During the year, parents may save gifts, especially duplicates of toys they already own, for this purpose.  Children are usually excited when the Pesach toys reappear.

Using Cleaning Help

Hired help makes cleaning for Pesach much easier, however, parents must realize that the help knows how to clean, but not how to get rid of chometz.  They are not familiar with all the foods that must be discarded (they’ll wipe the barley jar and put it back into the pantry).  They also may not understand our priorities, spending excessive time scrubbing the moldings rather than vacuuming the crevices in the upholstered chairs.  Cleaning women are usually most effective when cleaning appliances, floors, and kitchen chairs.  It is imperative to give the help detailed instructions, to supervise as they clean, and to inspect carefully as they finish different tasks.  This is more difficult when using a cleaning service that sends a whole crew to “do the house” in a few hours.

Involving the Children

Children are more likely to cooperate and to absorb the Pesach experience if they are involved with preparing for the Yom Tov.  However, it is not healthy when older children feel that their help is utterly essential and that their parents cannot manage without them.  Parents should plan with the children in mind to decide how to use their help productively.

Playing Pesach-themed CD or DVDs spreads a positive mood in the house, whether or not the children are actually helping with the cleaning.  Singing Pesach songs as they work together enhances the experience.  By trading CD/DVDs with the neighbors, families may increase their options.

Little Children

Little children are usually excited to help clean for Pesach.  Even two year olds may be equipped with rags and spray bottles filled with water and told to wash walls and other surfaces.  Preschoolers may be put into the bathtub (with supervision) with soapy water and toys and instructed to scrub them clean for Pesach.  Weather permitting; the kids may hose down large toys and plastic items, such as tables and chairs.  This procedure is more effective when dirtier items are first smeared with soft scrub.  Once they learn to write, children may create “No Chometz” signs to label rooms and areas as they are cleaned for Pesach.  This also enhances awareness and compliance with pre-Pesach rules.

Older Children

As they age, children are often less excited to help for Pesach.  However, they may help clear the accumulation in their rooms and put away toys and books for after Pesach.  Many parents motivate children to clean the car by allowing them to keep any money that they find.  One mother “seeds” an area to be cleaned, such as a book case, with funny items, to make sure that the children actually do go through the whole area.  A treat-filled party is a nice way to reward children for a few hours of hard work.

Note: Make sure to check the children’s’ cleaning work.

Tips and Strategies

Prioritize

The regular cleaning and household chores should be reduced so that the parents and the help focus on Pesach cleaning.  Mother may have to do more of the everyday housework while the help cleans out the fridge.

Reduce the Scope for Chometz Mess

Sometime after Purim, eliminate the tiny chometz items, such as Cheerios, crackers or soup nuts, that get distributed all over the house.  Potato chips and the like might substitute for these few weeks.

Create Blocks of Time for Cleaning

Most mothers cannot work efficiently on the “serious” Pesach cleaning when the children are around.  Either the parents stay up very late the nights before Pesach and/or they have the husband take the children out.  Kid-swaps, where friends or neighbors take turns hosting all the children, are an inexpensive way to find a chunk of time, especially when the children are off from school the week before Pesach.

Check the Chometz Hangouts

 Families with little children typically find much chometz in strollers (and their basket), diaper bags, knapsacks, coats, high chairs, play pens, car seats, and the children’s desks.  Generally, any place in which a young child spends time is likely to have food—the couch, the area that s/he stands while looking out the window, the bed, or the comfy chair.  Toy kitchens, trucks with cargo areas, toy pocket books, heating vents, and behind radiators are other classics.

High chairs are easier to clean by giving them a shower or a bath.  Strollers may be hosed down outdoors, with the pads washed on the gentle cycle and hung to dry.  Some families buy an inexpensive high chair just for Pesach.

Moving furniture and storage boxes may uncover more chometz, but check with a Rav to determine if it’s necessary.  In a process similar to child-proofing, parents should try to examine their rooms from a toddler’s point of view for handy places to put food when they are done.

Avoid Extra Work

Clearing out all the chometz requires physical energy and mental alertness when there are little children around.  Therefore, parents must avoid burning themselves out through unnecessary scrubbing, since this may cause them to skip that crucial last minute check of the swimming bag that unearths the granola bar.

Yom Tov with the Children

 

The Yomim Tovim present parents an opportunity to connect with their children without the pressures and distractions of school.  Yom Tov is also the parents’ time to fulfil the primary role in their children’s chinuch and connection with Yiddishkeit.  In this article, we present tips and strategies to help parents make the most of this opportunity.

This article is geared towards families with children under age fourteen.

Maintaining a Balance

“Don’t forget the children!” was the message a young interviewee wanted to convey to parents on the subject of planning Yom Tov.  However, when planning Yom Tov, parents need to juggle a variety of goals, needs, and wishes within the constraints of time, budget, and energy.  While we want our children to enjoy and benefit from Yom Tov to the maximum, it is neither feasible nor wholesome for children to see themselves as the center of their parents’ universe.

A general approach is to give higher priority to the needs of struggling children, and lower priority to the preferences of children who seem well-adjusted.  When making a decision that runs counter to a child’s desires or needs, it is kinder to acknowledge this to the child rather than letting him/her feel forgotten.  If the decision is truly hard for the child to live with, parents may decide, based on circumstances, to offer some kind of “compensation” such as an extra treat or favor during or after Yom Tov.

Decisions…

When making choices for Yom Tov, parents should keep in mind the medium and long term effects of decisions they made the previous year.  For example, children who were off schedule may have been wild over Yom Tov, but perhaps this is overshadowed by the pleasant memories of a great experience.  On the other hand, an overly turbulent Yom Tov may build up long-term resentment against family members or Yom Tov in general.

Parents may also want to keep in mind that each family is unique, and, therefore, decisions are best made based on their family’s needs and experiences rather than on societal expectations.  In particular, children vary greatly in their tolerance for sleep deprivation or over-stimulating environments.

Consult the Children

It is easier for parents to make optimal decisions when they have all the relevant information.  It is worth asking each child his/her preferences in areas such as Yom Tov activities, foods, company, and schedule.  There may be surprises.

Staying Home vs. Going Away for Yom Tov

A Yom Tov spent with friends or relatives is usually a richer experience for the children.  They have more people to interact with and they may grow through being taken out of their normal environment.  Parents may enjoy reconnecting with their friends or family members.  They may also find it easier to move the family than to prepare an entire Yom Tov.

 

On the other hand, it is hard on some children to be away from home, especially on a three-day Yom Tov.  It is often impossible for children to adhere to their normal schedule, sleeping accommodations are often makeshift, and the food may be unfamiliar.  In addition, sensitive children may be overwhelmed at being surrounded by strangers and a more chaotic environment.

Maintaining Bedtimes vs. Staying up for Meals

Night meals on Yom Tov often take place way after children’s bedtimes.  One option is to encourage children to nap during the day and let them stay up as long as they wish for the night-time seuda.  Participating in the night meals enriches the Yom Tov experience for the children and prevents resentment at being excluded.

The other approach is for the parents to spend quality time with their younger children on Yom Tov afternoon, serve them a nice supper, and put them to bed at their regular bedtime.  Aside from allowing younger children to keep up with their sleep, this option permits parents to focus on their older children, their guests, or each other during the late meals.

Hosting Guests?

In addition to the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim, including guests at the meals adds to the Yom Tov ambience.   Guests are often fun for the children.  It is often a good idea, however, to include at least one meal for just the family to strengthen the family’s sense of achdus and to make sure that every child gets attention.

Eating Out?

The natural impulse is to accept invitations to Yom Tov meals.  However, if parents find that their children often react negatively to dining out, it may be better to decline until the children grow out of their anti-social phase.  If the problem seems to be food-related, parents might ask the host if they could bring a favorite side dish in order to satisfy the children.

Advance Preparations

Suitable Entertainment

Providing the children with toys, games, and reading material enhances Yom Tov for parents and children.  The many Torah-themed versions of popular board games give an extra educational twist and reinforce the Yom Tov atmosphere.  Jewish books are available at our local Judaic library; purchasing second hand books may be another option for tight budgets.  A nice way to freshen the children’s reading material is to purchase back issues of the children’s favorite Torah magazines.

Coordinate with Friends

Compatible playdates make the time fly.  It is wise to coordinate in advance with the parents of the children’s friends to find out who will be home for Yom Tov and to schedule playdates, since telephoning is not an option on Yom Tov.  There is more flexibility if one opts for friends who are geographically closer.  Inviting families with compatible children for meals is another way to help the children socialize on Yom Tov.

Spending Time with the Children

Taking a Yom Tov walk with one or more children provides everyone with much-needed exercise, fresh air, and undistracted attention, even when the weather is not ideal.  Younger children enjoy spending hours at the park; however, parents should make sure that the children drink and snack to avoid meltdowns.

Learning with a child adds a spiritual element to oneg Yom Tov.  However, the learning should be geared to the child’s skill level, attention span, and interest.  It may be advantageous in the long run to read Chassidic tales or other inspiration material with a child who is unhappy at school.

Children and Shul

It is probably better for all parties concerned: the mother, the children, and the tzibbur, when the mother gives up on davening in shul until her youngest children are able to daven independently at shul.  However, going to meet the father at the end of shul provides the children with an outing, the option of hearing some of the davening, and a chance to show off their Yom Tov outfits.  A meaningful compromise may be to catch birkas cohanim, since some children enjoy this experience.  Another possibility is to attend a shul which offers babysitting and/or youth programming.

Sending children to shul before they are capable of davening inside the entire time often means having the children hang out, unsupervised, for hours.  This may lead to bullying or to dangerous activities.

Conclusion

The Yomim Tovim are a wonderful time but can be stressful.  When parents keep their children’s needs in mind, they may help everyone maximize their simchas Yom Tov, creating great memories and fostering spiritual growth for the entire family.

Girls and Davening

 

Teaching Our Daughters to Daven–Tips for fostering sincere prayer

Whereas men have the obligation to daven three times a day, preferably with a minyan, a woman’s obligation is less defined and less structured.  Nevertheless, we want our daughters to include prayer as an important part of their lives, and we want their prayers to come from the heart.  Inculcating these values is a subtle process.  Moreover, every child is unique and one method may work for one child but not another.

Encourage, Don’t Force

A consistent message emerged from the mechanchos and experienced parents whom we interviewed regarding girls davening.  It is preferable that girls not be told what to daven or how long to daven.  Ideally, girls will remember to daven on their own or when they see their mother daven.  Depending on the daughter and her relationship with her parents, the parents may gently remind and encourage a younger girl to daven.  Around Bas Mitzva age, it may be better to stop reminding the girl.

Parents who would like their daughter to daven a minimal subset of the standard davening at any age may consult with their own Rav to determine this minimum. Parents should seek guidance if issues or differences of opinion arise.

The issue typically arises on mornings when girls do not have school.  While mother might expect her daughter to daven the full school davening, this is more than many girls are able and willing to do on their own.  Yeshiva staff find it difficult to keep their girls davening nicely, even as a group singing together and with incentive programs.  Pressuring one’s daughter to daven more than she wishes may cause the girl to resent prayer or to pray without sincerity.

One strategy is to tell the daughter that she decides how much and which part of the davening to pray, but that she should do her very best with that davening.  This way, the child feels that she “owns” her prayer time.  It is best for parents not to check on their daughter’s davening—the girl should see prayer as something private between her and her Creator.

A quote from a distinguished educator summarizes this attitude:

“The main point – the ikkar – is that davening is a privilege; not an onerous duty. We’re not doing Hashem a favor when we daven; we’re doing ourselves a favor.”

Promoting Prayer

While coercion might be counter-productive in the long term, there are strategies that parents may adopt to encourage their children to daven.

Preschoolers

Mother can set a good foundation by singing the davening together with pre-schoolers.  It is nice to coordinate with their playgroup Morah; this reinforces at home what the child is absorbing during the week.

Build Davening into the Routine

For days when school is not in session, it is helpful to build davening into the framework of the day.  One mother used to provide a specific “davening treat” that her little children could take as soon as they finished davening.

Encourage Participation in School Incentive Programs

Morahs usually send checklists of desired activities, including davening times, with their students each weekend and before Yom Tov, especially for the younger grades.  These incentive programs are more effective when parents remind their daughters, fill out check boxes, and make sure the forms return to school.

Get the “Right” Siddur

While providing their daughter with the same siddur they use in school works best for younger girls, older girls may appreciate choosing their own siddur.   Parents might bring their daughter to a Judaica store to help her select the siddur that meets her needs, i.e. with English on her level.  English instructions may be useful to a girl who has trouble following the service in Shul.

Model Prayer

Make sure that children see their mother davening and observe how mother takes it seriously.  On the other hand, mother should make sure that her davening does not impose an undue burden on the household by davening at length during a chaotic situation.

Bring Hashem into Daily Life

When parents speak in terms of everything coming from Hashem, they make it clear that cultivating a relationship with Hashem is worthwhile.  This includes expressing one’s prayer for good outcome of one’s efforts and a heartfelt appreciation when plans run smoothly.

Shabbos Morning: Shul vs. Home

How important is it for girls to attend Shul on Shabbos morning?  Parents and mechanchos feel that girls should not be forced to attend shul. Girls may benefit from attending shul on Shabbos; however, it is not always in the girl’s best interest.

Helping Mother

By the end of the week, mother may need a rest.  Shabbos morning in some families is particularly challenging since younger children do not have school.  It may be a higher priority for daughters to stay home and help.  On the other hand, mother may choose to send her daughter to shul if she feels that her daughter is gaining much from the experience, even if this involves some sacrifice on the mother’s part.

Enjoying Shabbos/Down time

Parents should try to make Shabbos as enjoyable as possible for their children.  Many girls, especially teens, feel pressured during the week, from school work, homework, chessed activities, and helping at home.    While taking into account time needed for davening at home and helping as necessary, girls should know that they will have available some down time to sleep late or to relax.

Supervision

Many mothers cannot attend shul with their older daughters because of the needs of the younger children.  Before sending a girl alone to shul, parents should think carefully about what their daughter will actually do in shul.  Younger girls may not be ready to daven through the entire Shabbos morning service.  Often, they do not know the procedure: what to do and when.  Unless there is someone to guide them, girls might to daven a little and then talk or play.  In general, shul attendance is not spiritually productive when children are not ready; moreover, it may encourage bad habits.

Note: A child who goes to shul is not supervised unless s/he is sitting next to father or mother (or a surrogate) the entire time or is attending a youth program.  Lack of supervision may lead children into dangerous situations, including bullying, and it may cause disruption to the davening of others.

The Quality of the Shul Experience

Tefila B’tzibbur is intrinsically inspiring; kaddish, kedusha, and leining are only experienced with a minyan.  Girls who go to shul may be inspired by observing the intensity with which the women daven.  Some find it easier to appreciate davening when they hear it conducted by a ba’al tefilla.  The spiritual benefit that girls derive from shul attendance depends much on the spiritual level of the shul.  If they see a lack of seriousness in their fellow attendees, they might not benefit.

Yomim Noraim and Shul

Many mothers attend shul over the Yomim Noraim, often bringing children with them so that they too may share in the spirit of the day.  It is important to know each child’s limit and to respect it.  Children find it helpful if they are allowed to bring books to shul and are permitted to go home for breaks (with supervision, as needed).

Conclusion

It is important to allow children to develop spiritually at their own pace in a healthy environment.  It may take some patience on the parents’ part, but this approach is more likely to result in the child gaining a deep and sincere attachment to Torah and tefilla.

The Playgroup Scene

The topic of this article is playgroups: when to look for one, how to select the right one, and how to make sure your child gets the most out of the playgroup.

What is the “Playgroup Age”?

Children from two years old and up have a need to socialize.  At this age, the children learn a lot from their peers.  This social need can be filled in different ways, including through interacting with siblings, through visits to the park, or through round-robin playgroup arrangements.  Alternatively, the mother can enroll the child in a playgroup.  At this age, many groups meet three or four days a week, for three hours at a time.

When children spend time with each other, they spread germs.  Children who go to playgroup are more likely to get sick than those who are isolated at home.  On the other hand, a child who has older siblings in school is already exposed to germs from the outside.  A parent with a first born should discuss with the child’s doctor the pros and cons of enrolling in a playgroup.  Making such a decision requires a knowledge of  the general health and social development of the individual child.

Three-year-olds have a greater need for a playgroup.  They want to learn, and they are ready to learn.  Three and half to four hours a day is ideal for them.   Most playgroups for three year olds expect that the children are toilet trained.  Different playgroups have different tolerances for handling accidents, or helping with the toilet training.  Nursery programs at schools on the other hand, generally expect the child to be completely toilet trained.

Finding a Playgroup

There are more than thirty playgroups in our community.  However, since the demand is great, one should start looking a year in advance, immediately after Sukkos the year before the child starts.  While some playgroups advertise, typically, mothers network with neighbors and friends to find a group.

What to Look For in a Playgroup

The most important “component” of a playgroup is the Morah.    Parents should look for Morahs who are warm, caring, enthusiastic, and intuitive.  Morahs do not need a degree in education.  “Old hands”, experienced mothers make great Morahs; so do fresh, young, anxious-to-please “youngsters”.  However, if the child is a “handful”, a more experienced Morah may be more adept at handling him or her.

The physical environment of the playgroup should be safe, clean, bright, and equipped with good toys.  Quality is more important here than quantity.  Some of the essentials include a lego collection (size should be age appropriate), a play kitchen, and some form of train/car track.

Parents should find out in advance the adult/child ratio of the playgroup.  This varies from group to group.  Usually, if there is an assistant, the group is much larger.  Children who need extra attention should be placed in a smaller group.

The daily routine of a playgroup should include circle time, an art project, and especially, free play.  Circle time is when the children sit down, daven and learn a lesson.  Physical activity should also be part of the day.  This may be outdoor play when the weather allows it, or a structured physical activity indoors.  The most important part of the curriculum is the social one—teaching the children how to interact with each other and with the Morah.  There is no need to “push” a maximum of “learning” into the pre-schoolers.  Art projects should be simple, so that the children can complete them on their own.   Coloring and cutting with scissors are the important skills that the children should begin to master at this age.

While most playgroups take place in the morning, there are a few afternoon programs.  Either time is equally beneficial to the child, as long as it fits with the child’s sleeping schedule.

Borderline Children

Sometimes, a Morah can sense that the child is having trouble functioning in the playgroup setting.   The Morah may be able to identify undiagnosed special needs.  It is best for the child if the parents take the Morah’s concerns seriously.  On the other hand, sometimes, a Morah over-reacts to a challenging child.  In these kinds of situation, it is best to have the child evaluated by a professional in order to receive a second opinion.   Many times, evaluations may be received from the public school system free of charge.

Children with Special Needs

Most playgroups are not equipped to handle children with special needs.  Usually, these children require speech, physical, and/or occupational therapy, and these might be best provided in a public pre-school.  Parents must discuss with their Rav how to place their special needs child.  The parents should keep in mind that early intervention is the most effective intervention, and that exposure to public school is less harmful when the child is young.

Some pre-school special needs children might be able to attend one of the local Yeshiva classes on a regular basis with a shadow.  Fridays, which include Parsha and Shabbos party, are a good opportunity for a special needs child to join a Yeshiva pre-school.  This would need to be negotiated with the Yeshiva on a case by case basis.

Managing the Kids

Getting Along Better with the Kids–Tips for Reducing Frustration

 

Spending a productive day with kids involves juggling housework, errands, “fire-fighting,” and also parenting.  In this article, which was compiled through interviews with experienced parents, we provide some ideas for minimizing the stress in order to enjoy one’s children more.

Understanding One’s Challenging Child(ren)

Children have different personalities. .  Even children who are “normal” may have trouble fitting into a schedule or adopting effective self-help, social, or academic strategies, no matter how skillful their parents’ chinuch techniques.  To avoid constant frustration, parents need to work around these children, ideally without judging them.

All children have their stronger and weaker areas.  If parents realize that their child is challenging than the norm, they should try to learn why.  The pediatrician might provide insights, but it may be necessary to have the child professionally evaluated.  Attention problems (ADD, ADHD), anxiety, and sensory integration deficits may lead to disruptive, uncooperative behavior.  There are situations in which parents might want to lower their expectations: spiritual, academic, and/or social, to avoid overburdening themselves, the child, and the rest of the family.

Setting a Realistic Schedule

Setting a schedule makes a big difference; parents have some control even on the smallest children by setting their nap and bed times.  Parents must decide their preferences: do they want the children in bed early and up early in the morning or up late and sleeping late.

 

When the children are little, it is best to set expectations low.  Before planning a series of errands, think about how much stress the children are able to handle.  Where possible, parents should set their schedules around the children’s nap times.  This may involve being “locked” in the house while the little ones nap, but it reduces the likelihood of frustrating trips with hungry, overtired children and irritated fellow shoppers.

 

Schedules should be communicated to the older children so that they know what to expect and to give them the opportunity to contribute feedback (e.g., forgotten deadlines, playdates, shopping for urgently needed items.)

Positive Reinforcement

Praise is very effective for modifying children’s behavior.  Partial praise for partial achievement or praising for effort allows children to feel rewarded even when they did not meet the goal.  Rewarding children with a one on one treat is particularly valuable for the older children in a family, since they are often saddled with more responsibility and may feel that their needs are overlooked.  These need not be expensive outings; errands followed by a slurpee may do the trick.  Parents may also recognize hard-working older children by granting them extra privileges.

 

Charts and other incentive systems work for many children.  Raffle tickets are one way to keep track of “points”.  When designing the system, parents need to think through how often prizes should be dispensed and how valuable they should be.

More Effective Nagging

Verbal directions should always be given in a calm, matter of fact voice.  Reminders should be polite but concise to avoid embarrassing or “bothering” the child.  Yelling is rarely effective; neither are lectures.  Immediate consequences for failing to meet expectations work better, provided that they are given with a minimum of ill feeling: “I’d really like to read you a story, but you know the rules…”  In general, positive communication should be delivered with passion and enthusiasm, and negative feedback in a neutral tone.

Mentioning the positive achievements of the week at the Shabbos table (e.g. Yoni put away his clothing every night this week) further reinforces the positive.

The Importance of Mentors/Buddies

It is very useful to touch base regularly with experienced parents and/or educators (including play group morahs) to ensure that parental expectations are based on reality.   For example, while a three year old is physically capable of picking after him/herself, are three year olds really picking up on their own after playing?  Before setting new goals for the children as they grow, it is best to check that they are truly age appropriate for their social context.  Mentors are especially valuable when they have experience with children similar to one’s own; otherwise, the guidance may be misleading since so much depends on children’s innate temperament and abilities.

 

Speaking to peers also gives parents a reality check about their expectations.  Unhappiness may be avoided if parents realize that they have been aiming too high, e.g. chessed or communal activities plus learning plus maintaining a household with this number of children. The moral support derived from regular interaction with a friend is also very valuable.

 

Avoiding Conflict

With some children, conflicts arise regularly in specific areas: food, bedtime, hygiene, mitzvah observance, etc.  While parents need to set boundaries and assert their authority over their children, it is not beneficial for the children or the parents to engage in daily battles.  It is a good idea for parents to think over the following questions:

  • How important is the issue?  Perhaps a compromise may be reached.  Perhaps a short break before completing the homework; perhaps the child can skip some of the supper.
  • Why is the child balking?  Are the tzitzes/tights making him/her uncomfortable?  Is s/she scared of the dark?  Does s/he have a food intolerance?

For older children, it may be appropriate to give the child a day or two to formulate why she/he does not want to obey.  This allows both parties to cool off and settle the matter in a more mature fashion.

  • Why is the parent pressing the issue?  Is it purely out of concern for the child’s welfare?  Keeping up appearances with the neighbors?

It is best to try to defuse these issues by referring to a professional: a pediatrician, therapist, nutritionist, Morah, Rebbe, or the family Rav.  Mitzva observance by the young is a halachic question like any other, to be referred to a Rav;  the psak usually depends on the individual situation.  If parents see that their child is spiritually less motivated, they should consult a Rav who is experienced in chinuch matters before trying to “stretch” his/her observance.

Recreational Trips

When taking the children out for a treat, keep in mind costs vs. benefits, cost including wear and tear on the family.  For example, the more exciting place may be further away, subjecting the family to longer time in the car and returning later in the day.  Is it worth it to end a wonderful excursion with tantrums?  In general, it is better to take younger children to simpler, smaller attractions, such as local parks and petting zoos, rather than to major attractions which are more likely to be crowded and over-stimulating.  Always keep in mind the children’s tastes when planning outings, especially as they get older.

Miscellaneous Tips

Take Care of Mother

A calm mother is a more effective parent.  Mothers need time for themselves, whether an hour reading a book with the door closed, regular attendance at a shiur, going to events, or working out at a gym.

When Frustrations Levels Rise

Turning on some lively music for ten to fifteen minutes may be effective when things are out of hand.  Encourage everyone to move to the beat—use up the energy and bring out the smiles.

Alternatively, it may be helpful for the parent to give him/herself a timeout.  Twenty minutes sitting quietly on a recliner may be a mood changer for a fed-up parent.  Where feasible, asking the other parent to take over handling a difficult situation may be enough to change the dynamics for the better.

Have a Backup Supper

When children are not willing to eat the family’s supper, provide them with an established alternative, e.g. breakfast cereal or bread with a spread.  The alternative should be reasonably nutritious, but not especially enticing.

Avoid Negotiating with Small Children

When bedtime arrives, it is more effective to remove the little child from the “action” and bring him/her to the bedtime area rather than arguing about it.  In general, conflict is minimized when parents stick to the routine and avoid making exceptions.

Keep the Troops Fed

Bring a supply of snacks and water when leaving the house, even for short errands.  Children have unpredictable appetites, and eating before leaving may not be sufficient.

Be Careful with Rules

Both parents and children need to save face when there is a conflict.  The more rules parents establish, the less room there is for flexibility and negotiation.  Avoid using words such as “never’ and “always” when explaining the rules.  Consequences also need to be thought through since if they are not enforced, parents lose authority; but if enforced, they may cause too much anger in the child.

 

Indoor Activities for Young Children

 

 

During inclement weather, school vacation, or when children are sick, parents may be confined to the house with their children for days.  While entertaining the children is often challenging, this enforced confinement also presents an opportunity for parents to spend quality time with their children and to foster skills and confidence in different areas.  We hope that this article will be a useful resource for activities.  The material was compiled through interviews with women who teach preschool or run playgroups.  The activities listed were collected mainly for children in the three to six year age range.  Most provide children with useful hand eye coordination, sensory integration, and/or hand strengthening exercises.

General Tips

  • Keep the activity as simple as possible.  Children under age five may be quite contented with a little coloring, cutting, and gluing.
  • Think about cleanup in advance: make sure that the “good” furniture, nice tablecloths, and fragile items are out of the way, use drop cloths (save old tablecloths for this), and dress everyone in their worst.  Leave the cleanup for afterwards; don’t constantly try to maintain a clean area.
  • Many activities are more fun when other children are present.  Parents may wish to take turns hosting each other’s children.
  • Get on the floor and play with toys; the children will want to join in.
  • Use garage sales to stock of all types.  Keep some out of sight for a rainy day. (Clean any item purchased at garage sales and check for breaks.
  • Alternate active/standing activities with quiet/sit down activities through the day.

 

Baking/Cooking

Food preparation appeals to children and adults.  The results are immediate and so is the gratification.  Popular items to bake are challos, pretzels, chocolate chip cookies, brownies, roll out sugar cookies, and cupcakes.  A major advantage of the sugar cookies and cup cakes is that they may also be decorated, with many varieties of sprinkles, with icing, or small candies.  When lollipop sticks are baked into thick sugar cookies, cookies are transformed into lollipops.  A package of small black and whites may be decorated to look like faces.  The black becomes the yarmulke/hair; edible markers may be used on the white part for the rest of the face.  A healthier option is to create snowmen by coating purchased corn thins with cream cheese and using vegetables and/or fruit by the foot or licorice for the details.

 

Cooking is more challenging, since it involves peeling and chopping.  However, this is a useful life skill for children.  Children as young as age four may learn to peel.  Making vegetable soup is a natural, especially for inclement weather.  After the younger children peel, the older children may cut the veggies.

Arts and Crafts 

  • Cutting & Pasting Scissors, paper, and glue allow children to cut shapes and glue them together.  The artwork becomes more interesting if a variety of papers and colors are used.  Paper snowflakes, created by folding paper and making small cuts at the folds, are fun and easy.
  • Play dough (keep in mind it’s chometz) It may be rolled using cylindrical blocks and cut with plastic knives.  It is best played away from carpeted floors, since it usually sticks in the carpet.  Goop is a slimier version, useful for children with sensory integration challenges.
  • Painting Paper may be taped to the wall, to provide children an excellent finger strengthening exercise.  Finger painting may be done in the bathtub, using the tub and tiled walls as canvas.  When the painting is finished, clean up is another activity, using spray bottles filled with water.  Marble painting (not for under 3 year olds) is another variation on painting.  It involves putting the paper to be painted inside a washtub, dipping marbles into tempura paints (preferably not the washable type), putting the marbles into the washtub, and shaking the washtub.
  • Unscented shaving cream sprayed liberally on a surface provides children with something to mold into 3-D shapes.  It is easily cleaned up with dry paper towel.
  • Beading  It is easier to string beads on a stiffer “string”, like pipe cleaners.

(Make sure the beads are not a choking hazard)  Cheerios or Fruit Loops may also be used.

  • Pipe Cleaners  Wick Stix and Bendaroos are variations on the pipe cleaner idea, but are easier to work with, more colorful, and lack sharp ends.
  • Collages, Mobiles  Collages may be created using discarded wrapping paper, ribbons, foil, etc.  Mobiles may be assembled by attaching pictures to wire hangers.  Themes drawn from Parsha, an upcoming Yom Tov, or nature add meaning to the artwork.
  • Free-Form Creativity  Popsicle sticks, cotton balls, and fun foam are all inexpensive items that lend themselves to free form creativity.
  • Rubbings  Rub unwrapped crayons on paper over a variety of textured surfaces.  The paper may be presented later to another family member to guess which surfaces were rubbed.

Games/Puzzles

Some popular board games for young children include Candyland, Memory, and Quirkle.  Card games include Pilot, Catch the Match, Where’s Waldo, I Spy and Finders/Keepers.  Various block toys for very young children include Duplo and Mega Blocks.  Floor puzzles, large puzzles that are assembled on the floor, are suitable for younger children.  It is also entertaining to create one’s own puzzles by drawing on cardboard and cutting the picture into pieces; an older child may create the puzzle for a younger child to assemble.

Another entertainment is to blindfold a child and have him/her try to identify objects by touch, or, if edible, by taste.  Children may be intrigued to categorize foods by sweet, salty, sour, or bitter.  A group of children may enjoy pin the tail on the donkey or put the shamash in the menorah, perhaps after creating the donkey or the menorah.

Physical Exercise

It is particularly challenging to provide the children with physical exercise when they are cooped up in the house.  Wheelbarrow walking, somersaults, jumping jacks, and running in place get kids moving.  These activities may be more stimulating if someone records how long a child is able to sustain them.  If there is room in the house for a circular run (living room/kitchen/ dining room), a parent may have the children run, hop, and jump in sequence all in the same direction.

Exercise CDs (eg Morah Music CDs) guide children through calisthenics.  Children may also enjoy dancing to lively music.  Singing the Hokie Pokie is a great way to get even the youngest children to move their right hand, left hand, right foot in and out and shake it around…   “If you’re happy and you know it…” is also fun.  A parent may also play music while the children move around and have everyone freeze when the music stops.

Another option, assuming that the house has a good-sized room, is timed relay races.  These work better if there are a few children around the same age.  Children may race across the room by hopping on one foot, jumping with their feet in a bag, carrying something etc.  Cushions and toys may also be arranged into an obstacle course including tunnels and bridges.  Parents may also decide, just for this one day, to allow biking in the basement if it is roomy enough.

Music

March the children through the house, each one beating on his/her own musical instrument.  If there aren’t enough toy instruments, spoons and pots and lids make splendid substitutes.  Blasting music with a strong tempo makes the experience more exciting.  Have the children stop their instruments when the music stops.  Little children also enjoy standing on short chairs while playing their instruments: they become a band.

Imaginative Play

Little children adore playing with their parents’ things:  kitchen stuff, safe tools, clothing, etc.  Once in awhile, allow the children free range with items we usually take away from them.  Parents may supervise by participating in the play.

Playing house with the kids may turn into an instructive experience for the parents as they watch their children mirroring them.  Building tents or tunnels out of sheets, cardboard boxes (which may also be decorated), and furniture utilize engineering skills and encourage imaginative play.  Children and parents may also enjoy creating puppets out of paper bags (lunch bags) and using them for role playing.

Media

Sometimes, the only way to keep everyone sane is to play an audio CD or to let the children watch a video.  Different families have different policies about entertainment media; it is appropriate to inform parents of play dates before allowing someone else’s child to listen/watch a CD/DVD.  It is advisable for parents to research before purchasing a CD/DVD.  Apart from hashkafa issues, parents need to think about how scary their young children may find the experience.  Some children may have trouble sleeping after hearing a scary story that other children greatly enjoy.   Good sources of information include the childrens’ teachers/playgroup Moros, friends, and the Rav or Rebbetzin.

Indoors Outside the House

Sometimes, parents have the option of taking the children out.  This often involves spending money.  Some parents may also be concerned about exposing their children to arcade games.  While games for younger children may be wholesome, games for older children may involve violence.  Exploring a mall may provide an outlet for little children to stretch their legs.

 

Libraries are another indoor option.  Many have story hours for toddlers and/or preschoolers.  They often have toys and puzzles to play with, aside from the book collection.  T

Making Lemonade Out of Lemons

A day or a week cooped up in the house is not just a challenge, but an opportunity.  When parents take the time and trouble to engage with their children in enjoyable activities, children learn an important life lesson—good experiences may be squeezed even from unpleasant circumstances.