From Younger Children

Articles that deal with topics relevant to children below school age

Welcoming the New Baby

The arrival of a new sibling is always an upheaval in the lives of older brothers and sisters.  For some siblings, it may be a source of stress and even grief.  We compiled tips from experienced parents to help the siblings share in the joy of their expanded family and ease the adjustment.

Preparing for the Birth

Most parents have a policy of not letting their children know about a pregnancy until very late.  This makes it easier to cope with a miscarriage, chas v’shalom, and also spares the children the long wait for the arrival of the baby.  Older children may guess much sooner.  Telling them earlier is a parental boundaries issue—some parents share more information with their children than others.

New baby books are helpful, both before and after the baby arrives.  The public libraries are usually well stocked with these.

It is a wise precaution to make arrangements in advance for someone to sleep at the house if labor starts at night.  Ideally, the children should know and feel comfortable with this adult.  It is also a good idea to “break in” new help before the baby arrives.

Reuniting with Imma

When the mother returns from the hospital, it is best if the children see her first without the baby.  This allows the other children to re-establish their bond.  Younger children should have priority.  For a two year old, the mother’s absence for two days feels like a month.  If children are brought to see Imma in the hospital, the visit should be kept brief so as not to over-tire the recovering mother.

Presents

In many families, it is customary to have the baby “give” presents to the siblings, at least to the younger ones.  Even a token gift generates good will and creates positive memories.  It is useful for friends and family to give a present to youngest sibling who is more likely to appreciate it, rather than giving yet another “baby” present.

Grandparents

Many parents ask grandparents live in the house for the first few weeks after the baby is born.  This allows the family to maintain its routines and older children to stay in school.  Some parents send younger children to the grandparents instead.  In general, it is better for the siblings if the grandparents help with the baby so that their mother is able to give them personal attention.

The Transition Period

The needs of healthy newborns are limited—they require feeding and changing and lots of sleep.  This is a good time to bond more closely with the siblings, since the baby is not getting into mischief.  Mother should avoid giving the baby “unnecessary” attention in the presence of the other children.

For children under age two, the transition is much easier, because at that age, children are not so aware of their position in the family.  They may notice and resent, however, that Imma is caring for the baby when they themselves need something.  Age three and older, resentment may intensify because the three year old is aware of the privileges he/she is losing as the youngest in the family.

A child below school age spends considerable time in the house with mother.  While the mother feeds the baby, she is able to interact with this child.  Once children attend even pre-school, they have much less opportunity to spend time with their parents. The new baby reduces available time and attention even further.  Thus, older children sometimes feel more excluded than the toddler.

With a C-section, Imma is not allowed to lift anyone or anything heavier than the baby.  In that case, it is preferable that the mother explain to the younger siblings that Imma was hurt and is temporarily unable to lift them or let them sit on her lap.  It is best to avoid “blaming” or connecting the “injury” with the baby.  The older siblings become more important here, since they are useful for bending and fetching; lavish praise as mitzvah boy/girl is helpful.

Easing the adjustment

The children may all need one on one time, preferably with their mother.  Even reading a story together for ten minutes makes a difference.  Parents should make a point of telling each child how important they are.

A useful technique for parents is reflective listening: “You’re angry because I can’t get you a juice right now.”  This type of listening lets children know that their parent is listening to them without judging or criticizing.  It encourages the child to speak freely, which is especially important when he or she may be feeling neglected or ignored.

Mothers should also consider talking to the baby about his/her siblings rather than about the baby.  For example, instead of chatting about the diaper change, Imma might say, in the same tone of voice, “Yossi just brought you a diaper.  He’s been so patient while I’m taking care of you.”  Or, when the baby is crying, instead of saying, “Wait, I’m coming, I’m coming,” the parent may say, “Yossi needs me right now;  I’ll take care of you when I’m finished with him.”  Aside from giving “Yossi” the attention, this also demonstrates to Yossi that the baby’s needs do not always override his needs.  And, as far as the baby goes, there is no difference: he/she is hearing a caring tone of voice and is not cognizant of the words.

Involving the Kids

Generally, children are excited and happy to be involved as helpers. It is easier to share the simcha if one is part of the simcha.  Children from age three and up are able to get supplies, rock the baby, wind the swing, and make the baby smile.  Daughters often enjoy mothering; the baby may bond with an older sister who is four years old.  Rather than telling the youngest sibling to keep his/her hands off the baby, parents might guide the little one’s hands away from the face, showing where they make “make nice” to the baby.  Positive verbal reinforcement makes a big difference here.  Parents may also go shopping for baby clothes with the siblings, and they may recruit the older children to help prepare the shalom zachor, the wacht nach treat bags, or the kiddush.

Older siblings often feel empowered by the arrival of the baby, since they are given more responsibility.  They may, however, act out in school.  Teachers should be informed in advance so they know to give the siblings extra attention.

Note:  For safety reasons, the baby should not be left unattended with very young siblings, who may accidentally hurt him/her as they do not understand the implications of their acts.

 

When the Baby is Colicky

A colicky baby puts the entire family under stress.  If the parents are able to afford help, they should hire someone to take care of the baby during the crucial one or two hours when the older children need the most attention.  If the family cannot afford to pay for it, they should look for a volunteer.  There is no shame is asking for help in this situation.  A responsible girl (non-family member)  may be used to hold the baby for an hour or two in some remote part of house.

Reduce Stress

It makes it easier on the whole family if the mother cuts back on “extras”: fancy meals, entertaining, and the like, for the first months after the baby’s arrival.  When neighbors volunteer to help, it is appropriate to accept their offers.  Everyone has their times to give and to take.  Neighbors will feel more comfortable accepting one’s own offers for help if one has accepted their help in the past.

 

The Fussy Infant/Child

Some parents are blessed with an infant who sleeps, eats, meets his/her developmental milestones, coos, and rarely cries. Other children are more challenging.  Friends, relatives, and passers-by often offer conflicting advice.  Parents may feel very confused: which advice should they trust and where should they go for help?

Does Your Young Child Need Help?

The purpose of this article is to provide parents with some concrete information about developmental milestones and “red flags”. If a child displays some of the “red flags” listed here, it may be appropriate to have the child evaluated by a child study team or by a specialist in the area of concern.  Either the parents’ concerns will be alleviated through the evaluation or the evaluator(s) will recommend intervention.  When treated early, many problems may be eased helping the child and his/her family to a happier and more successful future.

The information in this article was collected through interviews with occupational therapists in our community.  In addition, we drew on the experiences of parents who have raised special needs children.

Developmental Milestones and Red Flags for Babies

Children develop at different rates.  Some children are significantly delayed in a specific area and catch up without intervention.  The information provided below is meant to familiarize parents with the standard pattern of development and significant red flags.   Parents should use their own judgment about intervening when their child is behind in developmental milestones.  The red flags, however, are more serious indicators that the child needs help.

Social and Verbal Milestones

At around six weeks, a baby is usually smiling and interacting socially.  Over the next few months, a variety of non-verbal signs of social engagement should appear, including imitation, cooing, and eye contact.

Babies begin babbling by age six months.  Communicative words such as “mama” or “dada” usually emerge before eleven months and two word sentences by eighteen months.  Two year olds typically use multi-word phrases and constantly add to their vocabulary.

Gross and Fine Motor Milestones

Infants are expected to begin rolling over at five months.  By eight months, a baby should be able to assume a sitting position.  Usually, crawling begins at eight months and walking at twelve months.  By one year, babies should also be using the first finger and the thumb (a pincer grasp) when reaching for small objects like cheerios.

Note:  In order to achieve these milestones on schedule, babies need “tummy time,” in which they are left on their stomachs.  Placing infants on their stomachs encourages them to push up with their arms.  This helps build strength and coordination in the trunk, the arms and the shoulders.

Visual Tracking

Newborns are programmed to gaze at their mother’s face when nursing.  By two months, infants are usually swatting at objects nearby.  Visual tracking should be firmly established, both vertically and horizontally by three to four months.  There are a variety of causes when the infant does not focus, including lack of interest, poor vision or visual processing, and difficulty coordinating the eye muscles.

Behavior

When a baby is unusually fussy or unusually passive, it may be symptomatic of an underlying problem.  Babies who have trouble regulating their arousal level are hard to calm once they are aroused.

Sensory Processing Problems

Some children have trouble processing the information that comes through their senses. These children may also be deficient in body awareness, the ability to “feel their body”.  Often, children with these problems have weak muscles (low muscle tone).  In some children, the symptoms may display themselves through delays in achieving standard developmental milestones, such as walking or coloring.  Other children meet their developmental milestones, but show differences in their behavior.  Whether the child is delayed or the child exhibits unusual behavior, he/she may need the intervention of an occupational therapist (OT).

A child with untreated sensory disorders may have problems with social interaction, attention, and/or physical coordination.  Such children may suffer in school from loneliness, bullying, and academic failure.  Depending on the severity of the symptoms, the child may experience difficulty functioning in a yeshiva or in any mainstream setting.

Hypersensitivity

Children with sensory processing disorders may display extreme reactions to stimuli: they under- or over-react to input from their senses.  For example, they might want their bath water very hot or very cold.  They may restrict themselves to very few foods, refusing to eat anything that tastes or feels even slightly different.  Sensory defensiveness may lead the child to reject being touched, even by their parents.  Clothing may be a problem; the child may refuse to have certain materials touch the skin.  Such children may also find it impossible to tolerate noises, such as a vacuum cleaner or other household appliances.  Handling crowds may also be exceptionally challenging.

Speech and Oral Stimulation

Speech delays may occur when a child cannot feel his/her tongue or lips.  Low muscle tone in the jaw and lips may lead to open mouths and drooling.  A need for oral stimulation may cause children to feel a constant need to chew on their toys.

Gross and Fine Motor Skills

Sensory disorders often prevent preschoolers from achieving fine and gross motor milestones at the appropriate age.  The child may be clumsy, often bumping into things.  He/she may be viewed as aggressive, since he/she pushes or squeezes too hard.   The crayon may be fisted rather than grasped between the thumb and the fingers.  The child may also have difficulty playing with blocks, assembling puzzles, or coloring within shapes.

Establishing a Dominance

Normally, children establish a dominant hand that they use eighty percent of the time, by about age three.  It is still normal at that age to switch hands from time to time for convenience or when the dominant hand tires.  However, by age six, children are expected to be using the dominant hand consistently from the beginning to the end of a task.  When children are still using both hands equally, it may be a sign of problems such as low muscle tone in the hands.  “Ambidextrous” children may experience delays in acquiring fine motor skills, including writing.

Attention Disorders

By age three, a child should be able to sit and listen to a book or a story.  He/she should be able to attend a playgroup for a few hours a day.  Sensory processing difficulties can interfere with this.  They may lead to anxiety, unpredictable behavior, and extreme emotional reactions.  The child may be developmentally on track, but unable to function in an age-appropriate manner because he/she is distracted by outside stimuli and/or is uncomfortable with his/her own body.  In short, the child may be exceptionally bright and talented, but he/she may be unable to attain the calm, alert state that is essential for learning.  This may be misinterpreted as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) even when the child does not suffer from attention disorders.  However, it should be noted that children with sensory processing issues often suffer from ADD/ADHD as well.

Behavior

Maintaining appropriate behavior may be a tremendous challenge for children with sensory disorders.  As they are often hypersensitive to many different stimuli, they are constantly being aroused by sounds, smells, touches, or textures that barely register with other people.  Moreover, they have special problems in self-regulation: they cannot calm themselves easily, they have trouble dealing with disappointment, they have low tolerance for frustration, and they do not adjust easily to new situations.  This may lead to frequent and severe tantrums.

Social Issues

When children suffer from sensory disorders, they are likely to suffer social rejection.  Speech and language delays hinder children from being able to express themselves well verbally.  This slows social integration.  Since they are more emotionally unpredictable and extreme, they are more likely to fight with their peers.

Moreover, since these children often cannot handle their own bodies properly, they are more likely to inadvertently invade other children’s space.  On the other hand, they cannot tolerate it when other children are too close to them, such as when standing on line.  In general, they are more likely to overreact to sensory input from a normal classroom setting.  This may lead to inappropriate conduct and negative interactions with classmates, teachers and other authority figures.

Summing It Up

Significant Red Flags for Infants

At this early age, it is difficult to determine the cause of a child’s developmental delays or his/her unusual behavior.  However, the most striking red flags for babies include lack of social engagement, severe delays in developmental milestones, and absence of visual tracking.

Older Children

If your child displays many of the red flags, behavioral issues and/or delays described above, it may be appropriate to seek help.

Early intervention desensitizes a child’s nervous system, allowing him/her to tolerate more stimuli and behave in a more appropriate manner.  Intervention also helps a child “catch up” and makes it easier for the child to fit in socially and academically.

Getting Help

Speaking to the Pediatrician

While many pediatricians are well versed in the developmental milestones and sensory processing, others may not have been trained to detect social or motor delays.  Developmental pediatricians specialize in these areas and may be helpful to parents who are not sure whether their child is just a little late or needs help.  

Tapping into the Public School System

Parents who suspect that their child needs help can request a free evaluation depending on which city or state they live in.  It may be necessary to contact the local public school or board of education to find out which services are available.  There are organizations devoted to helping children with special needs; it may be helpful to tap into them.

If the parents cannot obtain a free evaluation from their local school system, they should look into going the private route to have their child evaluated by a speech, physical, or occupational therapist.  For more complicated situations, it may be necessary to bring in a neurologist.  Insurance may be able to help defray the costs.  While the cost of evaluation and therapy may be large, later interventions are likely to be more costly, financially and emotionally.

 

Play Dates

 

The material in this article was compiled by interviewing Moros, Rebbetzins, and many parents in our community.  We hope that parents will find this information useful for handling some of the social challenges involved in soliciting, hosting, and accepting play date invitations.

What is a Playdate?

A play date is an arrangement for children from different families to play together.  All children, even those from large, busy families, benefit from playing with their peers.  Playing and sharing are different when the playmate is from outside the family.  This kind of interaction helps foster appropriate social development in children.

Some children find their playmates without parental involvement.  When children live on a block with many neighbors their own age and gender, the play dates usually come naturally.  Other children, including children who do not have playmates in their area, children without siblings of the same gender close to them in age, and children who are shy, may need help finding play mates.   It can be a true Chessed to encourage one’s children to accept play date invitations with such children.

How to Generate Play Dates

Ask the Morah/Rebbe:  Pre-School leaders, Rebbes and Morah for the early grades are a great source for ideas as to which children are most likely to be compatible with your son/daughter.

Meet the Other Mothers:  Some mothers are most comfortable accepting play dates for their children once they have met the other mother.  Attending school functions, including orientations, parent teacher conferences, as well as the Yeshiva dinner and other fundraisers, are good ways to connect to mothers of a child’s classmates.  Volunteering at the school is another venue.

Start Small:  When the mothers of the two children do not know each other, it can ease the comfort level of the “other” mother and her child, to propose a short outing to the local playground after school.  If that works, the experience will build trust for future play dates in the home.

Be Flexible:  Offer to provide transportation one or both directions if the parent of the child being invited finds it inconvenient to chauffeur children to play dates (especially if they have babies in the house).  Also, mixing ages enlarges the children’s play mate pool.  Children can have a wonderful time together even with (sometimes, because of) a one or two year age gap.

Be Open About Sensitive Issues:  Some parents are hesitant to send their children to homes with which they are not familiar, particularly if their standard in Kashrus or entertainment may be different from that of the inviting parent.  Such parents are more comfortable if the subject is discussed when the play date is proposed.  The inviting parent can state, for example, if they keep Cholov Yisroel  or if they allow computer games and videos.  If the standards in the two homes are different, a parent may suggest that the visiting child bring his/her own snack.  In addition, both parents should agree whether or not videos/computer games, etc. will be available during the play date.

What is Behind a “No”

A “no” to a play date invitation can take different forms. A common one is to use a diplomatic phrase: “He/she has other plans”.  If repeated tries do not result in a play date, one can conclude that the child or the parents would rather not have the play date.  If the solicited parent actually wants a future play date he/she make this explicit.

When a parent’s play date proposal is rejected by the other party, the parent and the child may both feel the disappointment of rejection, especially when the child has trouble making friends.  Below are some common reasons for the “no”.  Note: some of these reasons represent obstacles that can be overcome.  Open communication between the families can help smooth potential problems and enable the play date to occur.   Where these obstacles cannot be worked around, it is beneficial for both the inviting parent and the child to move on to other play mate options.

Large, Busy Families  

Parents of large families are less motivated to seek out play dates for their children, even when their children would appreciate their own personal social outing.  Their children are not starving for social stimulation as they have siblings at home.  And, if one child has a play date, five other children might demand their own play dates.  These parents simply cannot afford the hassle of chauffeuring their children around town.

The Other Child  

Sometimes, a child proposes a play date with another child even though the two of them do not have a relationship and do not interact in school.  In such cases, it is probably best for the parent of the child being invited to make this clear, rather than causing the other parent to feel a personal rejection.  The inviting parent might wish to speak to his/her child’s teacher to find out which children would be more amenable to come and play.

In situations where the child who is soliciting the play date clearly needs the social interaction, parents of the invited child might consider encouraging their child to go on the play date even if an incentive is necessary.  They should arrange for the play date to be short and explain to their child that they will pick him/her up early if necessary.  Depending on circumstances, the play date might be vital for the hosting child’s social development, and the reluctant playmate might actually enjoy the experience.

A child who is known to be challenging will have trouble attracting play mates.  The parents of such children may need to discuss the situation with the child’s teachers, and perhaps bring in professional expertise to help their child learn appropriate social behavior.

Fear of the Unknown

Parents are sometimes reluctant to send their children to an unknown place.  Common concerns include the emotional climate of the home, different Kashrus standards, and the use of electronic entertainment, such as videos, computer games and the Internet.  It is highly frustrating for parents who are careful to shelter their children from certain aspects of popular culture, to find that their children were exposed to these things on a play date.  A child that has been exposed sometimes wants more, making it harder for the parents to guide him/her along the path they have chosen.

Additionally, parents who maintain a modest standard of living may prefer to avoid sending their children to homes that are on a more lavish scale.

Concern About Supervision

Children from young families might find older siblings in another family intimidating.  Additionally, parents with small families might be concerned that their child will not be properly supervised in a home where the parents are busy with their other, smaller children.

Working parents sometimes hire a babysitter to watch their child(ren) until they arrive home from work.  Not all parents are comfortable with their child being watched by an unknown babysitter.

Parents need to agree on areas such as safety (car seats, etc.) and nutrition (use of junk food).   Each family has to decide its own policy as to how strictly to enforce these standards outside their own home.

Hosting the Play Date

Health Issues

The hosting parent(s) should inquire in advance whether their guest suffers from any health issues that they need to know about, such as food or environmental allergies.  Ideally, the host should let the invitee’s parents know what kinds of foods they serve as snacks as well.  It is also a good practice to have an emergency contact number (i.e. a cell phone) for the other child’s parents.

Keeping An Eye on Things

It is a good idea for the hosts to monitor the progress of the play date, especially when it is the first play date with this guest.  Young children find it difficult to tell the hosting parents when they have had enough.  Drinks and snacks should be offered periodically.  Often, young children do not express themselves when they need to eat or drink and their behavior deteriorates.  Very young children should be shown the toilet and be reminded to use it.

When the Children Get Bored

Below are some ideas for jumpstarting a play date when it stalls:

  • Take out some toys that are reserved exclusively for play dates.
  • Suggest an “art project”. Use old magazines, ribbons, scraps etc. along with paper and glue for collage making.
  • Have the children move to a different part of the house. If they’re upstairs, suggest they go downstairs.  If they’ve been inside for a while, suggest they go outside, weather permitting.  The change in scenery will stimulate their own new ideas for play.
  • Take them to the park (if the other parent gives permission)
  • Ask them to help you with a simple household chore, such as peeling potatoes
  • Read to them. Even children who know how to read enjoy hearing adults read to them.  This can be very relaxing for children.  After the stories, their creativity is likely to be rekindled, and they will be on their way with new play endeavors.
  • Spend a few minutes asking them about school. Perhaps even offer a few questions for them to answer on the Parsha.  These parental interactions provide fuel and a break from the intensity of continuous peer play.
  • Turn on a story tape

If your child and a particular play date tend to be consistently bored, perhaps it is time to give the relationship a break.   If the boredom continues over an extended period of time, consider that while the other child may be a fine child, he/she may not be the right match for your child.  This can get “sticky” when the mothers are friendly, as one may take it as an insult.  But, when this is handled in a sensitive and diplomatic manner, the children can ultimately benefit from moving on from a relationship which was not so compatible.

Common Complaints and Solutions

Extended Play Dates

It is proper for the parent of the play date (invitee) to set an approximate time for when they will pick up their child and to stick with this time table.  Younger children find it difficult to handle being away from their home for long stretches of time.  The hosting family may have other plans which must wait until the play date is picked up.  Moreover, shorter play dates are more likely to be remembered pleasantly than overly long ones.

(Of course, the parties might mutually agree to extend the play date if the children are having a great time.)

For first time play dates, it is helpful when the parents of the invited child check in once or twice to make sure things are going smoothly.  Moreover, if the parent expects to be late picking up, it is greatly appreciated if he/she calls to update the host.

Too Much of a Good Thing

Some families attract other children.  They can find themselves hosting four or five classmates at a time (sometimes for each of several siblings!).  When parents know that their child enjoys visiting a certain family, it is courteous for them to work out a policy for when their child can or cannot join an existing play date.  This eases the dilemma of parents who cannot say no, but are frequently overwhelmed with company.

Phone Calls that are not Returned

Parents seeking play dates for their children often leave messages on other parents’ answering machines.  When the other parent does not call back, the inviting parent is left hanging: not knowing whether they will be called back and the play date accepted, or whether they should continue looking for other options.

Promoting Sensitivity

Play dates are more likely to occur when people from different backgrounds feel that they are understood and that their concerns are taken seriously.  When planning class activities that occur outside the school, such as birthday parties and sleepovers, it is important to take into account everyone’s needs and sensitivities, so that everyone feels comfortable.  Adopting a common standard for Kashrus and for entertainment at class events may promote feelings of inclusion.  Moreover, children can be encouraged to avoid discussing plans for certain activities right in front of children who are not permitted to engage in these activities.

Children from all backgrounds benefit when they are guided towards tolerance for their peers and acceptance of differences among other people.  It may take effort for children to learn to overlook physical handicaps, social challenges, and differences in Chinuch, in other children, but at the end, this creates a society in which everyone can flourish.

 

Navigating Carpool

 

Carpool is a fact of life for parents of school age children in our community.  For some families, carpools cement friendships and provide important support.  For others, car pools are yet another source of aggravation.  We thought it would be helpful to provide tips from seasoned parents and from school personnel to help make car pool a positive force in a family’s life.

Follow Your own Family’s Style

Car pooling is not for everyone, and there is no obligation to participate in one.  Joining a car pool precludes walking with one’s children or spending quality time with them.  For children with social challenges, car pool may be too difficult to manage on top of  the other challenges of school.  Some families find that morning car pool is too much of a hassle and opt to do the drive themselves.

 

Factors to Consider in Setting Up a Carpool

Finding a carpool usually means networking: informing neighbors, friends, and the parents of one’s children’s classmates that one is looking for partners.  The factors listed below may be helpful to raise awareness of where conflicts may occur.

Geography

This is probably the most important factor in car pooling.  Pickup and drop off are immensely easier when children are within very close walking distance.  For example, when the car poolers are neighbors, a child may stay at the driver’s house until his/her parent returns from another carpool.  When neighbors are not available for car pooling, one should take into account traffic patterns.  Some streets are much more difficult to cross between 8:30 and 9:00 am than others.  This may add more stress to the weekday morning routine.

Size

Larger carpools are more efficient, enabling participants to make fewer drives.  However, they are more complicated, since there are more variables.  Moreover, some drivers might find it challenging to cope with a mini-van or fifteen seater full of lively children.  Shy, small, or timid children may feel safer in a smaller car with fewer children.

Attitudes and Standards

Carpools are more harmonious when all members share the same safety standards.  Parents avoid grief if they know in advance that everyone feels the same about seat belts, booster seats, under 12’s in the front seat, and driving style.  (Note: The authors are NOT condoning illegal driving practices)  In the area of promptness, too, people have different standards.  Some parents consider it crucial to be on time; others are more relaxed by nature and will resent being “bullied” into promptitude.

The underlying attitude towards carpool and child rearing also matters.  For some parents, the parents’ convenience comes first and the children have to adapt.  For example, such parents have the children meet them a block away from school, so as to avoid the time consuming carpool line.  For other parents, the convenience and comfort of the children come first.  It is a good idea to know where potential car pool partners stand on this spectrum and avoid surprises.

The afternoon driver may find it convenient to arrive late, toward the end of the car pool time, when the lines are much shorter.  It is appropriate to discuss this first with the other car pool members, since the other parents may resent their children being brought home late in order to suit the driver’s convenience.

Managing the Relationships

It is best, for the long term stability of the carpool, to maintain an attitude of flexibility about doing favors and reciprocating favors.  Carpool members will need time off because of births, illness, work situations, and the like.  A strict tit-for-tat attitude may lead to ill feeling.  On the other hand, car pools may fall apart if members feel “used”.

Promptness is often a sore point in car pool relationships.  Parents and children resent it when the children are regularly late for school.  For younger children, arriving late can disrupt the rest of their day.  Older boys miss the beginning of Minyan.  Having to stop at the office to get a late pass may be embarrassing.

Lateness is also resented at dismissal.  Children are tired and want to go home.  Teachers or principals who take care of dismissal do not appreciate having to wait for late comers.  If something unusual comes up, it is considerate to either have a friend do the carpool or contact the school so that they know you will be delayed.

Car pool members should be informed about health issues of the children they will drive, since they may manifest themselves, especially during the dismissal run after the long school day.  This includes allergies, diabetes, and behavior challenges.

It may be helpful if drivers spend some time in the back of their vehicle to experience its condition for themselves.  Garbage, smells, poor climate control: these all may affect the behavior of the children who sit there during car pool.

Misbehavior

When children misbehave in the car, it is best for the driver to try to handle this him/herself through humor or redirection.  If the behavior continues to deteriorate, it may be appropriate to speak to the parents of the offender(s).  When parents learn only at the end of the year about their offspring’s misbehavior, they resent the delay.  Their child has been deprived of the benefit of having his/her parents help him/her learn to behave.  Moreover, the information might be needed to fill in a picture about the child’s emotional challenges.

At the School 

At every school, car pool involves a line of cars waiting to get close to the building to drop off or to collect the kids.  There are usually one or more monitors, whose role is to direct traffic, identify which children are to be picked up, make sure the children leave the car safely, and enforce rules.  It is crucial for the smooth operating of the carpool process that everyone follow the rules and obey the directions of the monitors.  View car pool as a gigantic machine in which every driver and every child is a cog.  When all the cogs function appropriately, the machine operates safely, effectively, and quickly.  When drivers maneuver for their own advantage, they “gum up the works,” and possibly compromise the safety of the children.

Some Rules for the Carpool Lane

  • Don’t drive distracted; don’t talk on the cell phone.  There is usually a turn on the car pool line.  When drivers are distracted, they zig zag or maneuver the wrong way.  This may inconvenience other drivers and even present safety hazards.  Drivers need to be alert for the unexpected.  While most cars load from the side door, there are station wagons which load from the back.  The driver of the car behind such a vehicle needs to be aware that children will enter or exit the vehicle between their two cars.
  • Pay attention.  Drivers engrossed in their schmoozing or in their Tehillim are more likely to not realize when their car is full or that someone is missing.  This leads to unnecessary delays.
  • Don’t call out to children.  Part of the task of car pool monitor is to make sure that kids do not wander off on their own into the traffic lane.  When parents call out to their children, the children are likely to get confused and run into traffic.
  • Avoid unnecessary maneuvers near the car pool lanes, such as K turns.  Backing up may also complicate matters.  Drive slowly while approaching the school, 15MPH maximum.  Obey the traffic directors.
  • Discharge/pickup children only when the car is in the designated lane.  Children should enter the car only from the passenger side next to the sidewalk.  When children enter/exit the car on the driver side, they are exposed to traffic from cars in the “driving” lane.  It is also dangerous for children to return to the car (to get something) once they have exited, since the car may have moved by then and reentering may involve crossing into traffic.
  • Inform the alternate driver.  On holidays, schedules change and the other spouse, typically the husband, may pick up the children from school.  This may lead to chaos as this driver does not know whom to pick up.
  • If possible, avoid bringing the 15-seater van to carpool.  It is clumsy to maneuver and takes up extra parking space.  Backing up these vehicles can be dangerous.

 

Tips for Smooth Carpooling

If a parent needs to pull a child out of school early, he/she should inform the afternoon carpool.  A message left with the office may not reach the carpool monitors until the carpool has been waiting fifteen minutes.

Schedule car pool on a day when there is help in the house.  This way, young children do not need to be taken along and there is someone home when another child’s car pool arrives.  In addition, parents who might be late to meet their child may have that child dropped off last.

Bring the children’s favorite music or story recording along.  Make sure that the recording is appropriate for all car pool members; families have different standards.  (Drivers who listen to the radio may wish to consult with the other parents about their listening policies.)  Some drivers hand out snacks to encourage the children to behave.  This should be discussed in advance with the other parents, since they will be under pressure to do the same.  While some parents might prefer to avoid having their children snack during carpool, this may be the only way to handle the situation if there is a particularly challenging child in the car pool.

Avoid extra stops on the way back from school.  Some children need very badly to return home as soon as possible, for a variety of reasons, i.e. a doctor’s appointment.  If an extra stop is needed, it is considerate to clear it first with the other parents.

Seating arrangements may cause tension.  Certain seats, such as the ones next to the window or closer to the front may be considered more desirable.  Some children may prefer to not to sit next to each other or next to a baby.  One solution is to create a written rotation system to determine who sits where and when.  It may lead to more of a feeling of fairness if all families in the car pool adopt a similar rotation system.

If the car pool pickup involves the children meeting the car away the school (assuming that the school permits this arrangement), contingency plans are needed in case of rain, snow, or ice on the ground.  Everyone also needs to agree on the definition of rain—is it a flooding downpour, a heavy drizzle, or something in between.  Otherwise, some children will wait at the school to be picked up and others will walk to the rendezvous spot.

Instituting a fixed waiting time for pickup may reduce tension and lateness.  Before the school year begins, car pool members may determine that each driver will wait a pre-specified number of minutes before driving off without the child.  By instituting such a rule before the school year begins, car pool members avoid making late children feel singled out.

Car pools for older children may be treated more like a bus service.  If the members live near each other, the children may be instructed to be at the driver’s house by a specific time.  If the child is late, the child has “missed the bus” and is responsible for finding an alternative method to school.

Avoid getting ticketed.  Police often cruise around at carpool time watching for violators.  Tickets are typically issued for traffic violations (stop signs, speeding, signaling), cell phone usage, and car seat/seat belt infractions.  Apart from making them late for school, having their car pulled over by the police may be a nasty experience for the children, and this may upset their whole day.

To Tell the Children

The driver of the car is the boss.  Children must understand that they have to conform to the driver’s safety standards even if they are stricter than those in their own family.  For example, many parents do not enforce car seat rules after pre-school, even though legally, booster seats are required until age 8.  Parents should reinforce the importance of obedience to the other car pool drivers in areas of behavior, too.

Pay attention to the carpool announcer.  It is frustrating for those already in the car and for the carpools awaiting their turn when a child doesn’t show up.  Designating a fellow car pooler to fetch an incurably absent-minded child may alleviate this problem.  The designee should know to return in a set time in case the absent-minded child appears on his/her own.

It is more pleasant for the driver when the children are taught to be courteous: to say thank you, have a good day, and so forth.  Children should ask whether or not they need to shut the door.  When children are used to a car that closes the doors automatically, they never acquire the habit of shutting the door.  This leads to the car pool driver having to get out of the car in order to close the door after the children have run off to school.

Car Pool Time as an Opportunity

Conveying one’s children to and from school is a daily challenge for parents.  It may be helpful to view this experience as a chinuch opportunity rather than merely as a necessity.  There are many rules involved in driving to and from school: traffic laws and school rules.  Children are aware of these rules.  They also notice how we comply.  We may inculcate derech eretz, consideration for others, cooperation, and respect for the law by demonstrating how we value these qualities by putting them into practice, day after day, throughout the school year.

The Babysitting Scene

Babysitting by teenagers is an important part of the community infrastructure for young families.  Unless extended family lives nearby, hiring a teen babysitter may be the only way that parents can go out at night, whether to a Simcha, to shop, or to important meetings.  We researched the babysitting situation in our community in order to find the unwritten rules and expectations that govern the interaction between the parents who hire the babysitter, the babysitter, and the parents of the babysitter.  We hope that sharing this information will help each of these parties understand the needs of the others.  Note: since most babysitters are girls, we will use female pronouns for the most part.

Background Information

Children typically begin babysitting at age thirteen, although some girls start at age twelve.  Younger babysitters are paid less than older, experienced sitters.  The advantage of hiring younger babysitters is that they are more available and they are more likely to play with the children.  It is wise, however, for parents to use them at first on a trial basis, for shorter jobs, since twelve year olds vary considerably in their maturity level.  Most girls stop babysitting once they are out of high school.

Hiring Boys

Boys are much less available than girls for babysitting, since they often attend out-of-town Mesivtas, or are expected to spend long hours at their local Mesivta.  Additionally, minyan for Mincha and Maariv usually occurs during babysitting hours.

Boys can make great babysitters. For instance, boys relate to boys better and they are more likely to enjoy sports and the like together.   However, for various reasons, it is best to hire a boy only when all the children in the family are boys.  Yichud issues may apply when there are girls over age three.

Finding a Babysitter

When looking for a babysitter, parents usually begin by calling neighbors and friends with older children.  Parents blessed with such resources are fortunate, because they know the babysitter and the babysitter knows them and their children.

A problem arises when parents need to reach beyond their social circle.  Typically, they call the girls they usually hire, and these girls provide the names of friends who babysit.  Another option for finding babysitters is to network with women who work in the high schools.  There are girls in town who are not receiving babysitting requests.  Moros might be willing to ask in class for girls who would like more babysitting opportunities and give their names to parents.

Parents have to decide whether they are willing to hire a babysitter whom they do not know.  If the babysitter is from the “wrong” crowd, they might find that their children have been exposed to ideas or language that they consider inappropriate.

On the other hand, most parents of babysitters do not allow their children to work at an unknown home.  Besides the standard fear of strangers, parents are concerned that their child will be exposed to television, to internet access, or to reading material that they do not approve.   Parents looking for babysitters can allay such fears by providing references at the outset: the names of other babysitters they have used in the past or the name of their Rav.  The parents of the babysitter may tell the parent calling for the sitter that they will get back to them, presumably after checking the references.

Tips for the Parents Hiring the Babysitter

Understanding the Babysitter

The reality in our community is that the demand for babysitting exceeds the supply. There are many reasons for this.  Young families outnumber families with older children.  High school girls have little time to spare for babysitting.  Students have homework, exams, and school play rehearsals.  Apart from schoolwork, girls are obliged to spend an hour a week on a Chessed activity, often involving child care.  Many girls do more than one Chessed assignment.  Moreover, parents need their older daughters to help with their own children: babysitting, homework help, bathing the kids, etc.

In addition, some girls do not enjoy babysitting.  Many see it as a Chessed activity, even when they are being paid for it.  They would rather study in their own home than study in a strange house, even when the children are asleep.

Since it is so difficult to find babysitters, parents who need babysitting are well advised to be as considerate as possible to the sitters.  Babysitters expect to be treated with the same consideration one accords to adults, but they will rarely speak up for themselves.  If they feel unhappy with how they are being paid or how late the parents return, they will not complain.  However, they may refuse future jobs with that family, and they will not give their friends’ names to that family.  Thus, the parents may have no idea why they are not finding babysitters.

Pay 

Teen-age babysitters are paid anywhere from five to ten dollars an hour, depending on the age of the babysitter.  When parents ask babysitters how much they charge, some girls have been taught to respond with “whatever you wish.”  The idea is to spare poor families the embarrassment of not being able to pay market rates.  Parents need to keep in mind, however, that most girls are more likely to work for parents who pay the higher rates.  Unsurprisingly, most girls are more likely to work for parents who pay the higher rates.

The girls are also shy about reminding parents to pay them.  This puts the onus on the parents to make sure that they have cash (including small change!) with them so they are able to pay on the spot.  A check is second best, since the parents of the babysitter will have to cash it for their daughter.  Paying the babysitter in scrip (Chessed money) is also resented, both by the girl and by her parents, since they will be stuck with changing it into cash and they have their own scrip obligations.  Girls will usually not remind parents to pay them the next day.  They are also likely to decline babysitting jobs with that family in the future, unless they feel that the family cannot afford it and that the babysitting job is a pure Chessed.

Lateness

Both the babysitters and their parents resent it strongly when parents return later than they specified.  This is true even if the girls are accustomed to staying up late hours.  If the parents find they are unexpectedly delayed, they should let the babysitter know as soon as possible.  When the parents call up the babysitter and ask if she minds if they return later, they are pressuring the girl to stay later.  Most teenage girls do not have the self-confidence to say no to the adults.  However, parents who are persistently late will find it more difficult to obtain babysitters.

Working Conditions

Babysitters are more efficient when parents take the time to show them where the children sleep and to explain to them the supper/bedtime routine.   If the children are already asleep, parents should make sure to show the babysitter where they are sleeping, in case there is an emergency such as a fire and the children need to be evacuated.  It is better to avoid telling the babysitter to put a child to bed in the master bedroom.  If there is a pet in the house, the babysitter should be told in advance.

Parents may smooth their children’s behavior by offering them rewards for good reports from the sitter.  A major challenge for babysitters is the baby who cries and will not stop.  When parents know that their baby has a tendency to cry, they should inform the babysitter.  Parents should remember to equip the babysitter with pacifiers or bottles if they might be useful in quieting the baby.

Parents should consider cancelling their outing if a child is sick, especially if there is a fever.  Babysitters should be warned if a child is contagious and given the option not to babysit.  Moreover, sick children find their own parents more comforting when they are under stress.

If the babysitter will be serving food to the children, the food should be prepared by the parents before they leave or be ready to be heated.  Babysitters also appreciate it when the parents provide them with nosh—even though it is often left untouched.  Many girls feel shy about taking food from the house they are working in.  If they are given a plate full of small items such as cookies or chocolate lentils, they are more likely to take some.  Fruit is a good nosh to provide, since so many girls are dieting; leave a knife if it will be needed.  Drinks should also be made available.  It is courteous to tell babysitters that they can take what they want from the fridge or the pantry.  High school girls are unlikely to abuse this privilege.

Babysitters need a clean, uncluttered spot to relax or to study in.

 

Videos

The family of the babysitter may have different standards and policies for video watching than the parents hiring the babysitter.  If the kids will be watching videos, the babysitter should be informed in advance, so that she may consult her parents.

 

Rules and Structure

Instructions are important.  However, parents should avoid too many or too detailed instructions.  Babysitters need to know the parents’ policies about:

Telephone Use

Is the babysitter allowed to use the phone?  Should she pick up the “click” that indicates that someone is trying to call in?  Should the sitter answer the phone?  Take messages?  If yes, writing materials should be provided, so that the sitter does not need to go through the drawers.

Computer Use

The parents ask their sitter’s parents what their family’s policies are about computer and internet usage.  Babysitters sometimes appreciate being able to use their host’s computer for school work.  However, if the computer has access to the internet, it is prudent to “lock up” the computer.  Such a policy is advisable not merely to protect the babysitter from temptation, but also to protect one’s computer.

Bringing a Friend

Babysitters often enjoy having a friend with them.  This may be beneficial for the children, if there is more “manpower”.  It may also relieve the babysitter’s boredom once the children are asleep.  It is prudent for the parents to know exactly whom (and how many) the babysitter is bringing.  Note: parents are not expected to pay for the “extra” sitter if they did not request the second sitter.

How Many Babysitters?

Hiring more babysitters depends on the number of children and on their behavior.    It is up to the parents to decide how many babysitters they require.  Parents have mentioned ratios of four or five children per sitter when the children are all awake.  If the parents decide to hire more than one babysitter, they should pay each one separately.

Tips for Babysitters

Obtain Basic Information

Make sure parents provide their cell phone numbers, the name of the place they are going to, emergency contact information, and ideally, the phone number of their children’s pediatrician.  Babysitters should ask parents if any of the children have specific health issues, such as allergies or asthma.

Be on time

A parent may be late to something important if the babysitter arrives late.

Interacting with the Kids

Most parents expect the babysitter to play with the children.  And, children are more likely to listen to babysitters who have “invested” time in them.

When to Call the Parents

Parents should be called immediately when there is a medical emergency.  A baby crying uncontrollably may constitute an emergency if this baby is not known to cry.

Find a Replacement

The babysitter is expected to find a replacement if there is a need to cancel.  It pays to keep one’s parents in the loop, to avoid a cancellation due to family obligations.

Speak to Your Parents

If there was something unusual or disturbing about the babysitting experience, please let your parents know.

Halacha Issues for Parents and Babysitters

Babysitters and both sets of parents need to learn the Yichud issues involved in babysitting.  Generally, girls over age three can be a problem for male sitters, and boys over nine for female sitters.  A Rav can give specific advice on how to work with these issues.  While it is not necessarily a Yichud problem, girls and their parents usually prefer that the mother drive the babysitter home when the job is over, especially at night.

Non-payment, late payment, or payment in scrip present serious Halachic problems.  Special arrangements may be needed to pay the babysitter if he/she comes on Shabbos.

When parents pick the sitter up later than specified or cancel at the last minute, they should consult their Rav about their obligation to pay for the time that they reserved, but did not actually use.

Babysitters should be aware that they are obliged to respect the privacy of the family they work for.  This means that they should keep out of areas of the home that do not pertain to their work.  Drawers and cabinets should not be opened unless there is a specific need.

Advice to Parents

Because it is so difficult to find babysitters, it is advisable to plan ahead.  Look for neighbors who have younger daughters, and ask them if their children can babysit for short stretches of time from age twelve.  Start paying them at lower rates, which you increase gradually as the girl becomes older and builds a relationship with your children.   Young girls are usually loyal to their first clients, and may accept to babysit when needed, even after the high school years.

Respite Programs

There are families where the need for respite goes beyond occasionally hiring a babysitter.  Individual communities may have resources to help such families, especially where there are disabled children or single-parent households.  It may pay to ask local Rabbanim or old-timers in the community where to find help.