The material in this article was compiled by interviewing Moros, Rebbetzins, and many parents in our community. We hope that parents will find this information useful for handling some of the social challenges involved in soliciting, hosting, and accepting play date invitations.

Table of Contents

What is a Playdate?

A play date is an arrangement for children from different families to play together. All children, even those from large, busy families, benefit from playing with their peers. Playing and sharing are different when the playmate is from outside the family. This kind of interaction helps foster appropriate social development in children.

Some children find their playmates without parental involvement. When children live on a block with many neighbors their own age and gender, the play dates usually come naturally. Other children, including children who do not have playmates in their area, children without siblings of the same gender close to them in age, and children who are shy, may need help finding play mates. It can be a true Chessed to encourage one’s children to accept play date invitations with such children.

How to Generate Play Dates

Ask the Morah/Rebbe: Pre-School leaders, Rebbes and Morah for the early grades are a great source for ideas as to which children are most likely to be compatible with your son/daughter.

Meet the Other Mothers: Some mothers are most comfortable accepting play dates for their children once they have met the other mother. Attending school functions, including orientations, parent teacher conferences, as well as the Yeshiva dinner and other fundraisers, are good ways to connect to mothers of a child’s classmates. Volunteering at the school is another venue.

Start Small: When the mothers of the two children do not know each other, it can ease the comfort level of the “other” mother and her child, to propose a short outing to the local playground after school. If that works, the experience will build trust for future play dates in the home.

Be Flexible: Offer to provide transportation one or both directions if the parent of the child being invited finds it inconvenient to chauffeur children to play dates (especially if they have babies in the house). Also, mixing ages enlarges the children’s play mate pool. Children can have a wonderful time together even with (sometimes, because of) a one or two year age gap.

Be Open About Sensitive Issues: Some parents are hesitant to send their children to homes with which they are not familiar, particularly if their standard in Kashrus or entertainment may be different from that of the inviting parent. Such parents are more comfortable if the subject is discussed when the play date is proposed. The inviting parent can state, for example, if they keep Cholov Yisroel or if they allow computer games and videos. If the standards in the two homes are different, a parent may suggest that the visiting child bring his/her own snack. In addition, both parents should agree whether or not videos/computer games, etc. will be available during the play date.

What is Behind a “No”

A “no” to a play date invitation can take different forms. A common one is to use a diplomatic phrase: “He/she has other plans”. If repeated tries do not result in a play date, one can conclude that the child or the parents would rather not have the play date. If the solicited parent actually wants a future play date he/she make this explicit.

When a parent’s play date proposal is rejected by the other party, the parent and the child may both feel the disappointment of rejection, especially when the child has trouble making friends. Below are some common reasons for the “no”. Note: some of these reasons represent obstacles that can be overcome. Open communication between the families can help smooth potential problems and enable the play date to occur. Where these obstacles cannot be worked around, it is beneficial for both the inviting parent and the child to move on to other play mate options.

Large, Busy Families

Parents of large families are less motivated to seek out play dates for their children, even when their children would appreciate their own personal social outing. Their children are not starving for social stimulation as they have siblings at home. And, if one child has a play date, five other children might demand their own play dates. These parents simply cannot afford the hassle of chauffeuring their children around town.

The Other Child

Sometimes, a child proposes a play date with another child even though the two of them do not have a relationship and do not interact in school. In such cases, it is probably best for the parent of the child being invited to make this clear, rather than causing the other parent to feel a personal rejection. The inviting parent might wish to speak to his/her child’s teacher to find out which children would be more amenable to come and play.

In situations where the child who is soliciting the play date clearly needs the social interaction, parents of the invited child might consider encouraging their child to go on the play date even if an incentive is necessary. They should arrange for the play date to be short and explain to their child that they will pick him/her up early if necessary. Depending on circumstances, the play date might be vital for the hosting child’s social development, and the reluctant playmate might actually enjoy the experience.

A child who is known to be challenging will have trouble attracting play mates. The parents of such children may need to discuss the situation with the child’s teachers, and perhaps bring in professional expertise to help their child learn appropriate social behavior.

Fear of the Unknown

Parents are sometimes reluctant to send their children to an unknown place. Common concerns include the emotional climate of the home, different Kashrus standards, and the use of electronic entertainment, such as videos, computer games and the Internet. It is highly frustrating for parents who are careful to shelter their children from certain aspects of popular culture, to find that their children were exposed to these things on a play date. A child that has been exposed sometimes wants more, making it harder for the parents to guide him/her along the path they have chosen.

Additionally, parents who maintain a modest standard of living may prefer to avoid sending their children to homes that are on a more lavish scale.

Concern About Supervision

Children from young families might find older siblings in another family intimidating. Additionally, parents with small families might be concerned that their child will not be properly supervised in a home where the parents are busy with their other, smaller children.

Working parents sometimes hire a babysitter to watch their child(ren) until they arrive home from work. Not all parents are comfortable with their child being watched by an unknown babysitter.

Parents need to agree on areas such as safety (car seats, etc.) and nutrition (use of junk food). Each family has to decide its own policy as to how strictly to enforce these standards outside their own home.

Hosting the Play Date

Health Issues

The hosting parent(s) should inquire in advance whether their guest suffers from any health issues that they need to know about, such as food or environmental allergies. Ideally, the host should let the invitee’s parents know what kinds of foods they serve as snacks as well. It is also a good practice to have an emergency contact number (i.e. a cell phone) for the other child’s parents.

Keeping An Eye on Things

It is a good idea for the hosts to monitor the progress of the play date, especially when it is the first play date with this guest. Young children find it difficult to tell the hosting parents when they have had enough. Drinks and snacks should be offered periodically. Often, young children do not express themselves when they need to eat or drink and their behavior deteriorates. Very young children should be shown the toilet and be reminded to use it.

When the Children Get Bored

Below are some ideas for jumpstarting a play date when it stalls:

Take out some toys that are reserved exclusively for play dates.
Suggest an “art project”. Use old magazines, ribbons, scraps etc. along with paper and glue for collage making.
Have the children move to a different part of the house. If they’re upstairs, suggest they go downstairs. If they’ve been inside for a while, suggest they go outside, weather permitting. The change in scenery will stimulate their own new ideas for play.
Take them to the park (if the other parent gives permission)
Ask them to help you with a simple household chore, such as peeling potatoes
Read to them. Even children who know how to read enjoy hearing adults read to them. This can be very relaxing for children. After the stories, their creativity is likely to be rekindled, and they will be on their way with new play endeavors.
Spend a few minutes asking them about school. Perhaps even offer a few questions for them to answer on the Parsha. These parental interactions provide fuel and a break from the intensity of continuous peer play.
Turn on a story tape

If your child and a particular play date tend to be consistently bored, perhaps it is time to give the relationship a break. If the boredom continues over an extended period of time, consider that while the other child may be a fine child, he/she may not be the right match for your child. This can get “sticky” when the mothers are friendly, as one may take it as an insult. But, when this is handled in a sensitive and diplomatic manner, the children can ultimately benefit from moving on from a relationship which was not so compatible.

Common Complaints and Solutions

Extended Play Dates

It is proper for the parent of the play date (invitee) to set an approximate time for when they will pick up their child and to stick with this time table. Younger children find it difficult to handle being away from their home for long stretches of time. The hosting family may have other plans which must wait until the play date is picked up. Moreover, shorter play dates are more likely to be remembered pleasantly than overly long ones.

(Of course, the parties might mutually agree to extend the play date if the children are having a great time.)

For first time play dates, it is helpful when the parents of the invited child check in once or twice to make sure things are going smoothly. Moreover, if the parent expects to be late picking up, it is greatly appreciated if he/she calls to update the host.

Too Much of a Good Thing

Some families attract other children. They can find themselves hosting four or five classmates at a time (sometimes for each of several siblings!). When parents know that their child enjoys visiting a certain family, it is courteous for them to work out a policy for when their child can or cannot join an existing play date. This eases the dilemma of parents who cannot say no, but are frequently overwhelmed with company.

Phone Calls that are not Returned

Parents seeking play dates for their children often leave messages on other parents’ answering machines. When the other parent does not call back, the inviting parent is left hanging: not knowing whether they will be called back and the play date accepted, or whether they should continue looking for other options.

Promoting Sensitivity

Play dates are more likely to occur when people from different backgrounds feel that they are understood and that their concerns are taken seriously. When planning class activities that occur outside the school, such as birthday parties and sleepovers, it is important to take into account everyone’s needs and sensitivities, so that everyone feels comfortable. Adopting a common standard for Kashrus and for entertainment at class events may promote feelings of inclusion. Moreover, children can be encouraged to avoid discussing plans for certain activities right in front of children who are not permitted to engage in these activities.

Children from all backgrounds benefit when they are guided towards tolerance for their peers and acceptance of differences among other people. It may take effort for children to learn to overlook physical handicaps, social challenges, and differences in Chinuch, in other children, but at the end, this creates a society in which everyone can flourish.