Tagged Younger Children

Talking About Tzniyus

 

Tzniyus is one of the primary themes in the chinuch of our daughters.  While there are inspiring explanations for this fundamental mitzvah, this post focuses on providing parents with practical tips to help their daughters develop tzniyus as an internal value.  We do not advocate any specific halachic approach to tzniyus observance.  However, our premise is that parents want to raise self-confident daughters who choose their look based on spiritual values as well as fashion and style.

We would like to thank the parents, Mechanchim, and Mechanchos who contributed to this article.  Special thanks to the talmidos and alumnae of our local Yeshivos for their help in reviewing and editing.

Some Challenges of Tzniyus

  • Peer Pressure: Girls face enormous pressure to conform to the norms of their social group.
  • External Influences:  The styles prevalent in general society permeate our community despite our efforts to live an insular lifestyle.
  • Difficulty Finding Appropriate Clothes:  Much of the clothing available in stores or catalogs is not tzniyusdik.
  • Strong Sense of Style:  Some girls see clothing as their creative outlet and do not want to be constrained by rules.
  • Carelessness:  Maintaining tzniyus entails attention to details to make sure that clothing conforms to the standards, continues to fit in a tzniyusdik manner amid growth spurts and is worn correctly.

The Mother’s Role

A daughter’s adherence to tzniyus often reflects that of her mother.  Mothers may consider the following tips:

Decide Your Values

In order to transmit something as complex as tzniyus, mothers must be clear about their own tzniyus practices and beliefs.  This may involve research: reading books, listening to lectures, or speaking to mentors to decide which standard to practice and to choose for the children.

Parents should try to find a Yeshiva with a hashkafa that is compatible with their own.  Once parents choose which Yeshiva and which chinuch they want for their children, the family is best off if they align themselves with the Yeshiva’s approach even if the standard may be higher than what they are currently practicing.  Parents should try to dress in accordance with the school’s rules, especially when they visit the school.

Be consistent

Children are highly attuned to mixed signals from their parents.  Teens are prone to label inconsistent behavior on their parents’ part as hypocrisy.  Therefore, the mother has to be very careful to always dress in strict conformity to the rules that she chose.  If she is always firm with herself, her children will have a stronger grasp of what is right and what is wrong for their family.

Focus on Tzniyus on a Personal Level

For many women, tzniyus is a spiritual journey in which they raise their level of observance as they grow spiritually.  Children are likely to respect their mother and tzniyus itself as they see her efforts to improve.

Tzniyus groups such as Peninim are based on the idea that when mothers raise their standards, this gives girls moral support to adhere to tzniyus.  To find out more about Peninim in the Passaic/Clifton community, contact Mrs. Aviva Gross, (973) 473 – 3824.

Create an Open Relationship with Children

Given today’s challenging chinuch environment, it is essential that parents build an open relationship with their children based on trust and open communication.  Children need to know that their parents love them, want only the best for them, and are genuinely interested in hearing their point of view.  Mothers must make it clear to their daughters that they want their daughters to look attractive and to fit in socially while dressing tzniyusdik.  The message to be conveyed is that tzniyus is for the sake of the children themselves, rather than for the parents’ comfort or social standing.

In the short term, parents may need to ask their Rav whether maintaining the relationship may require compromising on their children following certain rules, including tzniyus.

Keep Up with Clothing Trends

Social survival for girls means dressing according to the fashions prevalent in their class.  Daughters are more likely to respect their mother if their mother can speak intelligently about what is “in”.  And, it’s easier on the mother/teen relationship when the mother dresses nicely.

Introducing Tzniyus

There are different halachic approaches to when girls need to dress according to tzniyus guidelines for wearing skirts, skirt and sleeve length, and socks or stockings.  Parents may find tzniyus easier for their daughter when they start early.

An advantage of inaugurating some tzniyus practices at age three is that this corresponds with the age that boys begin to wear tzitzis.  The daughter can be told that tzniyus is her mitzvah as she comes of age.  Tightening the standards gradually may be viewed as passing development milestones (e.g. “this is your last summer wearing short socks”).  Preschoolers are often excited to start wearing their school uniform and may be happy to incorporate the same standards in the rest of their clothing.

Parents often tell their little girls that they are princesses, and therefore have to dress to a higher standard.  This works until around age six. Many parents have been successful with telling their daughters that dressing in a less tzniyus way does not “pas” or befit such a “chosheve” girl; this is effective for girls who have an innate sense of dignity.

The concept of tzniyus is often best acquired by practicing it.  When parents dress their young children with tzniyusdik clothing, they cultivate a sense of refinement in dress that cannot be conveyed through lectures.  This is also the time to set the norms for the children. Parents may also reinforce the message by admiring their daughter’s appearance: “You look so nice!”, when her clothing conforms to tzniyus guidelines.

More hands-on opportunities to teach daughters about tzniyus arise when mother and daughter go shopping together.   While trying on a questionable garment, the mother may tell her daughter, “I like this dress but I wouldn’t feel good about myself if I’d wear it.”  The daughter should see that her mother also gets tempted and is able to say no.

Promoting Tzniyus

Girls are more likely to internalize the values and practices of tzniyus if the concept is presented as part of an attractive package rather a set of restrictions.  The tips that follow are more likely to be effective if tzniyus is not explicitly mentioned.

  • Invite families and singles who share the parental tzniyus values, dress attractively, and are fun to be with.
  • Starting from the early years, try to help the children develop friendships with classmates who share the family’s values. This may be a factor in deciding where to live.
  • Find chessed activities run by older girls who model the appropriate dress. There are many opportunities in the community for girls to help, including Project Give and Kool Kids.
  • Talk about women who have made a difference in our history and those are currently or recently active in the community, in order to highlight the importance of the woman’s role in a Torah community.

When girls realize that they have potential to have an impact on their world, they may be more willing to see their personality, skills and talents as their predominant means of self-expression as opposed relying only their clothing for this purpose.

Going Shopping

Ideally, shopping should be a pleasant time for mother/daughter bonding. It is a good idea to plan ahead so that both mother and daughter are not stressed by hunger, time constraints and the like.  Shopping may be seen as a fun mitzvah, to find clothing that will make the girl look attractive while following the halachos of tzniyus.

Researching in advance the fashions, the temptations, and the likely scenarios pays off.  This allows mother and daughter to discuss before the trip what is and what isn’t going to be allowed.  It is also helpful to work out a word or signal that mother should use if she feels that a garment is not tzniyusdik, to minimize embarrassment for the daughter.

Finding tzniyusdik clothing is easier in the frum stores, although this is not guaranteed.  It may be helpful to find a role model who dresses stylishly within the tzniyus parameters, and to shop in accordance with her look.  When mother and daughter have a conflict over a clothing item, the mother should begin by validating her daughter’s desire for the garment: “You do look good in it, but what image do you want to present?”  Spending money on nice accessories can sweeten compromises over clothing.

A skillful seamstress (or a family member) may be able to save the day by altering a dubious garment into a tzniyus one.  There are many ways to work with problematic clothes, and it is helpful for savvy mothers (and daughters) to share tips.  Some examples: using shells, taking in shoulder areas, adding a band of material on top to lengthen skirts, adding material to close a slit…

Parents may need to spend serious money on the clothing.  This can be seen as the hiddur mitzvah.  Daughters should see that parents take the mitzvah seriously and are willing to “put their money where their mouth is”.   Note: gemachs (in and out of town) often carry new or gently used tzniyusdik clothing.

Parents should be aware that sending their daughter shopping with a peer or a relative with different values (grandmother, aunt) may cause tzniyus conflicts if the shopper does not share their tzniyus values.  It is very hard to tell a daughter to return clothing.

Avoiding Power Struggles

Using tact is may avoid loading tzniyus with negative associations.

  • “Let’s go shopping!” – when clothing gets outgrown and therefore, less tzniyusdik
  • “What a dignified outfit!” – when pointing out an example of a tzniyusdik look
  • “That doesn’t look so refined” – when daughter is interested in something less appropriate
  • “That top could use a scarf; do you want to borrow one of mine?” – when daughter enters room wearing a dubious shirt.
  • “Not sure if you can tell but I’m noticing …(insert tzniyus problem – such as, “your sweater is pulling a bit, skirt riding up, etc.)”

In general, tzniyus-related comments have the most impact when given with brevity, nonjudgmentally, and without looking to get into a conversation.

Some teens need their space to experiment with different looks.  It is essential that parents minimize fights over tzniyus, because this creates baggage and resistance for future improvement.  Parents should discuss clothing issues with Rebbetzins and experienced friends to get a better idea of when to give in.

Helping a Daughter with Tzniyus

When a girl deliberately adopts a tzniyus level lower than that of her peer group, it may be due to a number of factors.

Some teens feel a need to experiment with their dress to try out different identities: am I a Yeshivish?   Modern?  A girl might simply prefer a more relaxed, open look than that of her parent’s social circle.  Or, she may be socializing with a less tzniyusdik crowd.

It is important to bear in mind that many girls do experience small-scale challenges with tzniyus at some point in their teenage years. Small changes in dress here and there are normal, and handled tactfully, go away on their own.

Dressing inappropriately may also be due to frustration or to a lack of connection to parents, school, or friends.  In high school, for example, the social scene can be intense and brutal.

To help their daughter, parents may begin with consulting the girl’s Morah or Mechaneches.   The family Rav or a someone experience with teens may also be able to give advice.  Parents should keep in mind that “cracking down” on a teenager may be highly counter-productive. A compromise may entail letting their daughter dress the way she wants in her room at home.

Sometimes, a hobby may be needed to provide her with a more suitable outlet and to build her self-confidence.  There are a variety of extra-curricular activities available in our community, including arts and crafts, dance, gymnastics, and more.  An activity that involves physical movement may help some girls feel more comfortable in their skin, and therefore, more at ease with tzniyus.

If the daughter is struggling, parents may discreetly ask someone: an older sibling, cousin, sister-in-law, or aunt to spend time with her on regular basis.  They could also shop together, minimizing tension with the mother.

In general, dressing highly inappropriately in our community is one way a girl may express her inner pain. Our recommendation is to counter this with lots of unconditional love on the part of her parents, her teachers, and other role models, rather than with lectures or pointers on how to improve her mode of dress.

Does she need professional counseling?

There is a spectrum of tzniyus standards.  When a teen dresses to a lower standard than her parents, she may see this as her choosing a different hashkafa, rather than a symptom of an underlying emotional or mental health issue.

When deciding whether their daughter has deeper problems, parents should examine the way the rest of the family dresses.  If the sons’ manner of dress is less strict, it’s easier to understand if the daughters do not conform to a higher standard either.  And, daughters cannot be blamed if their clothing matches that of their mother.

Some other questions to ask are: does the daughter seem otherwise well-adjusted?  Does she seem content?  Get good grades?  Goal oriented?  Maintain relationships with a set of stable friends?  If most of the answers are yes, it’s probably a hashkafa rather than a therapy (psychological) issue.

If the girl seems to seriously want to attract male attention, parents should consult someone who understands teens, i.e. a therapist or a specialist in at-risk children.

Discussing Tzniyus

Girls vary in how much they are interested in learning about tzniyus.  Some just want to be told the rules and left alone (or so they imply).  For others, tzniyus is an issue that must be discussed over and over. Many girls express the desire to learn the hashkafa and reasons for tzniyus, as opposed to learning rules and halachos in isolation.  Parents need to stay attuned to their children’s reactions when they initiate discussions, so that they use the right approach.  In addition, maintaining an open relationship allows children to bring up any question or topic without feeling judged.

There are many approaches to understanding tzniyus and it’s hard to know in advance which approach will “speak” to a girl.  For example, telling girls that their dress code is meant to protect the men’s spirituality is often counter-productive, since most girls neither understand nor sympathize, but may lose respect for men.  It is a good idea for both parents to research the topic and learn a few ways to explain the hashkafos behind the practices of tzniyus.  There are many good books and speakers on the topic.  Where children are in contact with people who dress differently, parents are even more obliged to be prepared to defend the family’s approach to tzniyus.

Tzniyus, sitting at the juncture between the personal/public, bodily/spiritual and authentic/superficial, is too vital a topic to neglect.  Parents may occasionally try to bring up topics related to this wider concept of tzniyus and see where they lead, to benefit from exploring their thoughts on this important subject.

Conclusion

Transmitting the mesora to one’s children entails that parents accomplish the following:

  • Show the children that living their lives according to Torah is the best way to live.
  • Build a relationship with the children based on trust and unconditional love.
  • Understand that chinuch needs to be customized for each child; there is no “one size fits all”

To close, when it comes to tzniyus, a prominent Rebbetzin states, “”I am a believer in ‘easy-does-it’ versus the sledgehammer approach.”

We wish our readers hatzlacha with their children.

Helping Your Child Read Fluently

 

Tips for parents of children in grades K to 8

Literacy is one of the most important skills children acquire in school.  While most children pick up reading Hebrew and English without much difficulty, 20% to 30% may experience challenges.  This post provides tips to show parents how to identify problems early, remediate literacy challenges, and work with their childrens’ Yeshivos to ensure their children receive a solid foundation in reading.

We thank the mechanchim/mechanchos and reading specialists who generously contributed their experience and expertise for this article.

Common Causes of Reading Problems

Developmental Lag:   The general academic consensus is that children acquire literacy anywhere from ages 5 to 7.  This means that some children are not ready to learn reading at the age that they are taught and that some are not taught at the age when they finally are ready.

Attention Issues:   Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and other disorders impede a child’s ability to concentrate.

Missing Steps:  For various reasons (illness, moves, difficulty with the teacher or other social, learning, or behavioral challenges), a child may miss one of the stages of literacy training.  Since each stage builds on the previous, the child may not be able to catch up.

Phonological Deficiencies:  Some children have trouble identifying sounds and breaking words into different sounds.  Language deficits, such as delayed speech or poor intelligibility, are also associated with literacy difficulties.

Vision Challenges:  Children may be farsighted and need reading glasses.  Others may have trouble getting their eyes to focus properly (convergence) or to maintain focus on the right place on the page (tracking).   Some may see letters in reverse.

Before Starting Pre1a

In the mainstream Yeshiva system, children are taught Hebrew, and sometimes English, letters at age four in Kindergarten.  The next year in Pre1a, they learn Hebrew reading, with a lighter emphasis on reading English.  They are expected to acquire English literacy by the end of first grade.  Educators discourage parents from teaching their children to read before they start school, since this may lead the child to tune out the drills and reinforcement that s/he may need to build fluency.

Building Reading Readiness

Reading to children is a great way to prepare them to read.  This may start at birth.  Hearing the words helps children develop a familiarity with the rhythm and flow of language, acquire richer vocabularies, as well as inferencing skills.

Rhyming books are especially useful for children to build phonological awareness.  If the child has trouble “hearing” the rhyme or the alliterations in the books, parents may teach it by showing the child how words are formed out of sounds.  Language-based games such as “name the sound”, especially for initial sounds in words, are also helpful.  Games that focus on initial sounds are also useful (e.g. Let’s put BBBalls and BBats in the BBBAsket.)

There are many ways parents can familiarize preschoolers with the shapes and sounds of the aleph bais and alphabet.  Puzzles and cookie cutters allow children to feel the shapes of the letters.  Cookie cutters may be used to form shapes in sand, which the child can trace with his/her fingers.  Coloring books provide more ways to interact with the letters.

Accents and Pronunciation

When parents are from a background different from their child’s Yeshiva, they need to decide at the outset whether they want their child to read Hebrew their way or the Yeshiva’s way.  This issue arises when parents have Israeli, Sefardi or Chassidish pronunciation.  If the child is to be taught using the Yeshiva’s pronunciation system, parents may need to adopt that system themselves for kriya practice or find a tutor for kriya work.

Warning Signs

Sometime during the kindergarten year, teachers or parents may detect signs of upcoming reading challenges:

  • Difficulty learning the names and sounds of letters
  • Insensitivity to rhyme or alliteration
  • Delays in speech or difficulties with articulation

Aside from the red flags listed above, parents may be aware of other risk factors for their child, such as their own reading challenges or problems they encountered with siblings.

Early Interventions

Repeat Kindergarten

If the child is immature or born close to the end of the school’s cutoff date, having the child repeat kindergarten may be a good option.  However, parents should keep in mind that repeating kindergarten may not be enough to solve potential reading problems.  Parents need to stay in contact with the school staff during this repeated year to ascertain that their child is keeping up with the class in the pre-reading skills.

Have the Child Assessed

Depending on the extent and severity of the child’s problems, the preschool staff or the pediatrician may recommend a full evaluation by the local school board to find out more about their child’s issues and to try to obtain government funding for remediation.  Alternatively, it may be sufficient to have the child assessed by an eye doctor, occupational therapist (OT), speech-language pathologist, or reading specialist.  It is very important to use the services of a professional who has experience evaluating children with literacy deficits.  Even at preschool age, simple tests can be performed to determine whether the problem is due to visual, auditory, or other deficits.  Based on the assessment, parents should expect to be given instructions on how to build their child’s skills.

Select a School Carefully

If the child’s delay in reading readiness is a maturational issue, finding a school that teaches reading later may be helpful.

If the issue is more complicated, and it’s difficult to be certain at this age that it isn’t, the child may be better out starting out in a Yeshiva that has the resources to help.  Parents may investigate the resource room, learning center, and availability of reading specialists.  They should also inquire who would direct their child’s learning and try to meet this staff member in advance.

Work with the Child

Preschool staff or professionals who meet the child should be able to recommend exercises and activities to help remedy the child’s deficits.  Home activities may make a significant difference for the child.

Pre1a and First Grade

What are the School’s Expectations?

Parents who wish to monitor their child’s progress need to know the informal sub-goals of the school year.  Generally, the school year may be divided into “by Chanuka”, “by Purim”, and “by the end of the year”.  In each school, students are expected to accomplish certain milestones by the end of these markers.  Knowing the expectations helps parents understand whether their child is keeping up with the class.

The Importance of Homework

Reading homework is crucial when the child is learning how to read, because this provides the drill and repetition to build a solid foundation for literacy.  A classroom is not a setting in which each child can be given extensive supervised drill. The homework sessions also help parents identify problem areas.  If the child struggles with the homework, there may be an underlying problem which should be discussed with the Rebbe/Morah or teacher.  Frequent communication between home and school is essential when children experience academic challenges.

Red Flags

At kindergarten and first grade, children should be aware that words are composed of a sequence of sounds and that sounds are associated with specific letters.  If the child makes reading errors unconnected with the sounds of the letters, there may be a difficulty with phonological awareness.  It is also a bad sign if the non-kvetching child complains at this age that reading is too hard.

Summer Homework

It is crucial that children practice their reading in Hebrew and English during the summers after Pre1a and first grade.  In mainstream Yeshivos, the first grade limudei kodesh curriculum is based on the assumption that the students have mastered kriya.  For most children, reading drills over the summer is the only way to retain their newly acquired proficiency so that they are prepared for the next stage.  For a student with reading challenges, summer is the time when they either catch up to their peers due to extensive practice – or fall further behind.

 

Middle Grades

While a child may have picked up reading easily in Pre1a, parents are advised to continue monitoring the child’s reading, especially Hebrew, for the following reasons:

  • The reading gets harder: Children are reading longer passages with smaller print. Rashi script without nekudos is added to their work load.  Problems such as vision issues may emerge at this point.
  • The child may be concealing problems: children find ways to compensate for poor reading skills by memorizing, avoiding, or mumbling.
  • Skills may deteriorate without practice: Students do not have much opportunity to read aloud in class. Homework assignments might not include sufficient reading practice to reinforce skills.
  • This is the time to build fluency. During the initial reading training, accuracy is the prime objective.  Once accuracy is achieved, children are expected to read with greater speed and smoothness. This requires building a large sight vocabulary.

While the phonetic and consistent Hebrew system is intrinsically easier than English, children often read better in English because they understand what they are reading.  Moreover, the child is constantly inundated with English words, whereas s/he is only exposed to Hebrew during formal learning times. If the child is happily reading chapter books, parents probably need not worry about reinforcing English reading skills.  Kriya, however, requires consistent attention from the parents to ensure that the child acquires fluency.

Comprehension

By the middle grades, the focus shifts from reading accurately to reading for comprehension. Comprehension difficulties tend to show after fourth grade and may follow students through high school. A reading specialist or speech-language pathologist can teach students comprehension strategies.

 

 

Kriya Drill Techniques

Reading specialists highly recommend extensive drilling when children learn reading to head off or solve reading problems.  While the child is learning to read, drill consists of doing homework and then practicing further by repeating the same homework or by finding workbooks with similar material.

Once the child learns how to read, drill may be done by reading from the siddur or mishnayos and later, from Tehillim (which contains harder and less familiar words).  Additionally, there are books written in Hebrew which may be enjoyable to read and translate together. While most schools have sufficient fluency practice, it may be a good idea to occasionally listen to the child read.  If a 3rd/4th grader seems truly proficient, parents might stop the kriya practice but encourage the child to undertake shnayim mikra/echod targum (reading the parsha with Targum Onkelos).

Note that a child who struggles benefits more from repeated readings (as in reading the same Pasuk until it’s fluent) than from reading more Tehillim.

Tips for drill:

  • Keep it gentle: don’t pounce on mistakes. One technique is for the parent to put a finger under the letter or word being practiced and not to move it until the child reads it correctly.  Use lots of positive reinforcement to make the child feel good about his/her skills.
  • Accuracy should be worked on first. Once the child is accurate, the parent may try for speed and fluency.
  • If the child tires of reading, take turns reading, finger on the place, while the child follows along inside. Hearing someone read words is a beneficial drill.
  • Offer tiny prizes for each line (or word, if necessary): single winkies, chocolate chips…
  • Vary the drill by having the child read different portions of the page: e.g. all the words that start with daled, lines that have the letter ayin, or words that end with “nu”.
  • Ease up on the drill by having him/her read familiar parts of davening from the siddur.
  • Reread the same line or word several times: this is easier than constantly reading unfamiliar words and is an excellent way to increase fluency.
  • Try choral reading, in which first the parent reads, then the child reads along with the parent, and then the child reads on his/her own. This eases the decoding task.
  • During weekdays, especially long summer days, use technology: let the child record him/herself reading, use walkie/talkies, play a fanfare when s/he gets it right…

Depending on the child’s kriya level, it may be better to correct mistakes instantly, in order to avoid reinforcing incorrect reading or to wait for the end of a sentence, and ask the child to go back and find the errors.  For example, the parent may tell a more practiced reader: “You read the posuk very well, but two words weren’t perfect.  Can you please try again?” This approach may be better for building fluency and confidence in the reading.

Note: While improving kriya is important, it must not be done at the expense of the parent/child relationship.  Parents should keep in mind the child’s tolerance for drill and repetition and stop before s/he reaches the limit.

Getting Help

Reading problems rarely involve total inability to read.  Usually, the symptom is that the child reads slowly and haltingly.  The school may recommend the following interventions:

Resource Room

Many schools have specialists on staff to work individually or in small groups with children who have trouble acquiring the reading skill that their class is learning.  About a quarter of the students in an average Pre1A class are likely to be sent out for this extra help.   The resource room cannot remediate serious problems, since children are not allocated sufficient time for serious reading work.  However, parents can make better use of this resource when they diligently follow through on reading exercises assigned by the professional working with their child.  This includes spending the time assigned for reading practice, and adhering precisely to the assigned material which may have been carefully selected to help with a specific reading challenge.  It is also important to send feedback to the resource room about how the homework went.

Tutoring

While many reading issues can be resolved through extra drill, many parents don’t have the time, patience, or the expertise to work seriously and consistently with their children.  It may be more effective and easier on the parent/child relationship to hire someone to do the drill with their child.

The tutor need not have special expertise with reading.  S/he should be someone intelligent with good people skills who is able to work closely with the staff member who is supervising the child’s education at school.  A combination of resource room and tutoring should be effective to solve the common reading problems where some letters, vowels and combinations were never acquired properly by the child.  More serious problems need a more specialized approach and an experienced tutor or a reading specialist.

 

Reading Specialist

Reading specialists come from a variety of educational backgrounds.  They are often experienced educators who have taken one or more specialized courses on helping children learn how to read.  It is best to find a specialist who has learned more than one approach, since no single technique will help every child.

Sometimes, a child who reads with difficulty never learned to read properly.  Such a child may need to be taught the letters, vowels, and blending from scratch rather than focusing on specific weaknesses.  This may be discovered even with students in middle to upper grades.

Reading specialists charge from $40 to $80 for a 30 to 45-minute session and there should be at least two sessions per week.  In the long run the expense is worthwhile, since solving reading problems early allows a child to succeed in elementary school and may save the family expensive tutoring later.  Parents who cannot afford it may have the specialist assess their child and recommend exercises and teaching materials.  Either the parents or a less expensive tutor might follow through, with the specialist re-evaluating periodically.

Since reading remediation methods are so diverse, it may be necessary to try different specialists until the right approach is found for one’s child.

Other Interventions

Parents and reading specialists have found vision therapy, administered by some optometrists to be helpful for children with convergence and focusing problems.  These children typically have difficulty keeping their place when reading: lines of text run into each other.  They may also find reading to be tiring or that it leads to headaches.

Prism glasses have also been found effective to treat dyslexia associated with difficulty recognizing lettersm, although this is not a conventional use for this eyewear.

Working on vestibular system issues (sense of balance) with an occupational therapist also has been found to help with reading.

In general, professionals are helpful in finding the effective non-mainstream interventions.

Junior High

The junior high school years are an important window of opportunity to solve longstanding problems.  Children are more mature and able to work with a wider variety of literacy education approaches.

For boys, kriya issues are likely to be noticed as Bar Mitzva approaches.  This period is the peak motivation time for boys to improve their kriya.  If their son seems to take this seriously, parents may wish to focus Bar Mitzva preparation on leining rather than on making a siyum so that the boy is not distracted from mastering kriya.

Living with Literacy Challenges

While a child’s reading will almost always benefit from intervention and practice, not every reading problem can be solved in childhood or solved at all.  This puts the onus on parents to help their child develop successfully despite a reading or kriya handicap.

Some tips:

  • Don’t treat this child any different from the others; don’t focus on the reading issue unless actually working on it.
  • Memorize the necessary parts of davening
  • Prepare ahead the upcoming material: psukim, meforshim, mishnayos, gemara, etc.
  • Concentrate on comprehension – build on the strengths, even while continuing to work on improving the reading.
  • Don’t give up. Sometimes, older children (or even adults) who had no success with intervention when they were young will progress rapidly when they are older and given a new chance at serious intervention.

 

Preparing Yom Tov–Starting Early

In the middle of the summer, Rosh Hashana and Sukkos seem a long way off.  Yet, they will arrive, and this year, the calendar configuration is three day Yomim Tovim for Rosh Hashana, and the first and last days of Sukkos.  We plan to provide tips over a few articles to help families enjoy the upcoming Yomim Tovim.

While summertime is too early for many Yom Tov preparations, it is a good time to start baking or cooking to stocking the freezer. While parents with a spare freezer will benefit the most from tips in this article, those who have only their fridge-top freezer may find that they can make a little extra room for Yom Tov food.  Parents who spend Yom Tov with the grandparents may offer to send food during the summer to their freezer to make it easier to feed their family when they come over.  It may even make sense to split the cost of a freezer with the grandparents if they have space for it and the parents do not.  However, it is probably not worth it to freeze food ahead if the home is subject to blackouts.

What to Freeze Ahead?

Challah, cake, cookies, most kugels and pies freeze well.  On the savory side, chicken soup, meat balls, schnitzel, potato knishes, meat, chicken and kreplach may also be frozen.  Certain foods, such as mushrooms, change texture when frozen; check with friends when in doubt.

Given the constraints of limited time and freezer spaces, parents need to set priorities.

Budget

Can homemade food substitute for expensive prepared foods?  Most prepared Yom Tov treats, including cookies, iced cakes, and cupcakes may be duplicated in the home kitchen for far less than the store bought version.

Another approach is to stock up on meat and chicken when on sale over the summer.  Based on experience, parents may set a “floor price”: when the food hits this price, it’s time to purchase.  Meats may be cooked or roasted before freezing.

Health

During the summer, parents may decide how healthy the family will eat over Yom Tov.  Assuming that family members are willing to consume them, parents may choose to prepare fruit-based desserts, whole grain snacks, granola, and (partially) whole wheat challah. Summer is when blueberries, cherries, and plums are cheapest and available to be baked into crisps, cobblers, kugels, and pies, all healthier than most cake.   Other homemade snacks may be prepared in a more healthy way than the store bought version.

Enhancing Yom Tov

Are there treats that cannot be found in stores?  Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies are surprisingly hard to find.  Recipes exist for homemade versions of candy bars such as Mars bars and peanut butter cups.  By using parve chocolate chips and margarine, the family may enjoy parve versions of these treats.

Are there fussy eaters in the family who need their food cooked “just so”?  It may be easiest to cook and freeze meatballs ahead for children who do not eat “regular” chicken or beef.

Involving the Children

Baking or cooking with the children may be a wonderful bonding experience.  Children enjoy feeling needed and may take pride in their accomplishments in the kitchen.  Moreover, Yom Tov feels more special when one has invested in the preparation.  However, parents need to think ahead in order for food preparation with the children to be a pleasant experience.

Keep It Simple

It is better to avoid trying out new or complicated recipes with younger children.  When doubling the recipe, work out the arithmetic in advance, perhaps with a budding mathematician, and mark the altered quantities on the recipe itself.

Lower Expectations

When inexperienced cooks are involved, cookies may not be well shaped, and meatballs, not as round.  Or, everything will look perfect, but will take four times as long.  Food preparation with beginners should be viewed as spending time with the children, rather than as “getting things done”.

Get the Right Equipment.

Even children who are too young to use peelers or knives may be able to help if provided with the right gadgets.  These include crank-operated peelers, onion choppers, cherry pitters, and vegetable slicers.  Parents should keep in mind that these utensils all have sharp parts; setup and cleanup may still need to be performed by adults.  Alternatively, children may help with the measuring, pouring, and mixing.

If mother is an incurable perfectionist or finds too many helping hands stressful, it may be better to either prepare food when the children are out or invite the children to “hang out” in the kitchen rather than help.

Keeping the Kitchen Cool

Heating up the kitchen and living areas by running the oven is not a good idea during a heat wave.  The heat effect may be mitigated by putting an exhaust fan in the kitchen window and shutting the kitchen door.  Alternatively, stove top dishes do not heat up the house as much as those cooked in the oven.

Other ways to beat the heat are to reserve baking for early morning, late evening, or for cooler, rainy days.  Some ingredients may be prepared in advance, combined, and heated when the temperature goes down. Some recipes even allow for the freezing of the ingredients raw and cooking later.

Click here for our fruit cobbler recipe.

Cleaning for Pesach with Little Children

Preparing the house for Pesach is a yearly challenge for many housewives.  When there are young children, the task is more complicated, since little children cannot be relied on to follow rules and chometz might be lying anywhere in the house.  In addition, children need care during Pesach preparation time, and they are off from school during the critical week before Pesach.  In this article, compiled from interviewing experienced homemakers and other community members, we provide ideas and tips to make cleaning for Pesach less stressful for the entire family.

Why “Make Pesach”?

Many young couples have the option of spending the entire Pesach with their parents.  Nevertheless, couples should consider the reasons to make Pesach in the early years of their marriage.  Practice makes the process easier and younger parents often have more time, energy and flexibility than they will have later.  When couples keep postponing making their own Pesach, the task builds itself up into something they feel incapable of accomplishing later on.

Moreover, life is unpredictable: due to pregnancy, changes in family dynamics, or other events; the family may not have the option to go to the grandparents the following year.  In addition, some children do not travel well and have trouble sleeping or behaving properly in a different environment. It may be worthwhile to create the capability to spend Pesach in one’s own home this year, by preparing the house for chol hamoed, so that spending the Yom Tov at home is a more feasible option in the future.

Young parents sometimes make Pesach in their own home in order to provide their children with a seder customized to their age, temperament, and interests.  This is something to discuss with a Rav or mentor, since making one’s own seder means giving up the mesora one gains from a multi-generational seder at the grandparents.

 

“Don’t Throw the Kids Out with the Chometz”

This quote from a community Rav neatly sums up the balance parents need to strike between preparing a Pesach that is kosher vs. a Pesach that is sameach (joyful).  It violates the spirit of Pesach when the yom tov acquires bitter associations of anger and tension between the parents and children.  The best way to mitigate this potential is to plan ahead.

Speak with a Rav

Parents need to decide how much of the house they are going to clean and how they are going to clean it.  There are different standards and methods for preparing a place for Pesach.  Typically, parents of young children are under perennial stress due to sleep deprivation and the physical demands of childcare. Therefore, it may be a good idea for them to adopt a less ambitious and less labor intensive Pesach cleaning.  It is helpful to consult a Rav at the outset to strike the correct balance between responsibility to halacha and the need to maintain the physical and emotional health of the family.  The Rav should be able to direct the parents to a Pesach preparation guide that is right for them.

Before speaking with their Rav, parents should think about the specific challenges their family faces.  Listing the number of children and their ages does not give an accurate picture of the family’s situation, since children vary considerably in their obedience, neatness, and need for attention.  Parents, too, vary in energy level, availability, and ability to cope with stress.   Financial resources, i.e. the ability to hire help and buy prepared food, and human resources, i.e. relatives who can take care of the children or feed the family the Shabbos before Pesach, also differ.  A family that finds it difficult to keep up with meals, laundry, and normal Shabbos preparation should make this clear to their Rav.

Plan Ahead

Once parents have decided what must be done to prepare for Pesach, they need to determine how they will accomplish it.  This includes deciding how much to budget for expenses such as cleaning help, babysitting, or eating out.  It also includes scheduling the different tasks.

Think About Logistics

When should the car be clean enough to buy Pesach groceries?  How will the stroller, the car seat, the van, and the couch stay chometz-free once they are thoroughly cleaned?

Parents should also consider how much of the kitchen should be made Pesach-dik.  Every cabinet and every surface devoted to Pesach use must be emptied, cleaned and/or covered; after Pesach, the process must be reversed.  It pays, therefore, to minimize the area to turn over.   A great labor saver is to close off the cabinets and set up a table in an adjoining room to hold Pesach supplies.

Meals Before Pesach

The family needs to eat during Pesach cleaning, and even when the kitchen is turned over.   Many families buy Pesach-dik snacks and convenience foods.   Some mothers try to make this stressful time more cheerful by purchasing Pesach-dik treats and fast food they would not permit the rest of the year.  The advantage of giving the children kosher l’Pesach snacks is if crumbs are found in a “cleaned” room, they are likely to be non-chometz.  Mother may also cook Pesach-dik food for the family and/or offer non-chometz snacks such as fruit, cheese, or yogurt.

Another approach is to set up a self-contained chometz area, usually in the basement or garage, equipped with table, chairs, toaster oven, and/or a burner and a mini-refrigerator.  Either the area is cleaned after each use or the family must allocate time on Erev Pesach to clean it thoroughly.  If they do not need the area for Yom Tov, they may be able to sell it.

Make Lists

After consulting a calendar, parents may create a count-down of the tasks that need to be accomplished by sun-down Erev Pesach.  Shopping lists, too, may be generated in advance.  The goal is to be able to work when there is free time rather than having to stop and think.  Lists may be reused from year to year; keeping them in a notebook or on the computer makes this easier. It is useful to add “post scripts” after Pesach to note what worked well and what to change the following year.

Reserve Help 

If parents have regular cleaning help, they should try to increase the hours before Pesach.  If they do not have cleaning help, they should begin looking for some well ahead of time.  Cleaning services and carpet cleaners get booked weeks ahead of Pesach.  Note: It is difficult to book a cleaning lady to clean just for Pesach and they sometimes do not show up for a non-regular client.  Cleaning services are more reliable, but much more expensive.  An alternative may be to ask a friend who is not cleaning for Pesach to “lend” her cleaning help.

Parents should also try to find extra babysitting before Pesach.  Younger daughters may be available, since older siblings take care of a large portion of the cleaning.  Reaching out to even an eight year old neighbor may be worthwhile, as s/he may be able to entertain the kids while the parents work.

Shop Ahead

If there is a secure area to store things for Pesach, parents may begin shopping for the equipment they know they will need: pots, peelers, knives, etc.  It may also be worthwhile to begin shopping for non-perishables, especially if they are on sale.  Kosher meat and poultry tend to be kosher for Pesach all year round; if there is free, clean space in the freezer, it may pay to stock up.

“Spring Clean”

Mothers frequently combine spring cleaning with Pesach cleaning, because the tasks often mesh well and it’s nice to have a clean house for Yom Tov.  The problem is that spring cleaning expands the task of chometz removal, tiring the parents, and stressing the family.  A compromise is to begin spring cleaning well before Pesach, perhaps around Tu B’Shvat.  After  Purim is a good time to switch to chometz removal.

Certain types of spring cleaning are useful preparation for Pesach.  Getting rid of clutter in closets and drawers make the task of bedikas chometz much easier and more effective.  Removing and washing drapes and linens sometimes exposes concealed chometz.  Washing the light fixtures and wiping the windows and the moldings is less relevant to Pesach preparation and might be skipped or rescheduled for another time of the year.

 

 

When & Where to Begin

The general approach to Pesach cleaning is to start at the periphery, that is, the areas furthest from the kitchen and work one’s way to the kitchen via the living room and dining room until “turnover” time.  The main concern here is the likelihood that more chometz will enter a cleaned area after it has been declared chometz-free.  Much depends on the age and personality of the children—do they tend to wander with chometz?  How likely are they to stash food?   Some children actively seek out their favorite chometz foods, even climbing to reach high cabinets.

For such families, it is a wasted effort to clean for Pesach (as opposed to spring cleaning) until a week or two before Yom Tov.  At that point, they may need to “blitz” through the house possibly into the early morning hours.  They might find it useful to begin their Pesach cleaning in areas less accessible or less interesting to the children: upper cabinets and upper shelves.

Pesach cleaning may begin with cleaning the less essential kitchen items, such as cookie cutters or specialized equipment, and putting them away in sealed bags.  It is easier to work on the kitchen if parents commit themselves relatively early to stop baking before Pesach.  Mother may spend the week after Purim preparing and freezing casseroles to eat during the hectic week before Pesach.  Pack the meals in microwave safe containers, so they can be reheated even after the oven is Pesach-dik.  This is also a good time to take a thorough inventory of the refrigerator and pantry, discarding chometz that is unlikely to be consumed, and deliberately consuming what is still usable.  This saves much time during the critical turnover process.

The Toys

Less used toys may be cleaned and put away weeks before Pesach and given back to the children when the house is Pesach-dik.  Small pieces, such as lego and clicks, may be put into a tied-up pillow case and washed with the laundry (try this with small quantities first).  Another option is to sell all or most of the toys rather than cleaning them and give the children a special set of Pesach toys.  During the year, parents may save gifts, especially duplicates of toys they already own, for this purpose.  Children are usually excited when the Pesach toys reappear.

Using Cleaning Help

Hired help makes cleaning for Pesach much easier, however, parents must realize that the help knows how to clean, but not how to get rid of chometz.  They are not familiar with all the foods that must be discarded (they’ll wipe the barley jar and put it back into the pantry).  They also may not understand our priorities, spending excessive time scrubbing the moldings rather than vacuuming the crevices in the upholstered chairs.  Cleaning women are usually most effective when cleaning appliances, floors, and kitchen chairs.  It is imperative to give the help detailed instructions, to supervise as they clean, and to inspect carefully as they finish different tasks.  This is more difficult when using a cleaning service that sends a whole crew to “do the house” in a few hours.

Involving the Children

Children are more likely to cooperate and to absorb the Pesach experience if they are involved with preparing for the Yom Tov.  However, it is not healthy when older children feel that their help is utterly essential and that their parents cannot manage without them.  Parents should plan with the children in mind to decide how to use their help productively.

Playing Pesach-themed CD or DVDs spreads a positive mood in the house, whether or not the children are actually helping with the cleaning.  Singing Pesach songs as they work together enhances the experience.  By trading CD/DVDs with the neighbors, families may increase their options.

Little Children

Little children are usually excited to help clean for Pesach.  Even two year olds may be equipped with rags and spray bottles filled with water and told to wash walls and other surfaces.  Preschoolers may be put into the bathtub (with supervision) with soapy water and toys and instructed to scrub them clean for Pesach.  Weather permitting; the kids may hose down large toys and plastic items, such as tables and chairs.  This procedure is more effective when dirtier items are first smeared with soft scrub.  Once they learn to write, children may create “No Chometz” signs to label rooms and areas as they are cleaned for Pesach.  This also enhances awareness and compliance with pre-Pesach rules.

Older Children

As they age, children are often less excited to help for Pesach.  However, they may help clear the accumulation in their rooms and put away toys and books for after Pesach.  Many parents motivate children to clean the car by allowing them to keep any money that they find.  One mother “seeds” an area to be cleaned, such as a book case, with funny items, to make sure that the children actually do go through the whole area.  A treat-filled party is a nice way to reward children for a few hours of hard work.

Note: Make sure to check the children’s’ cleaning work.

Tips and Strategies

Prioritize

The regular cleaning and household chores should be reduced so that the parents and the help focus on Pesach cleaning.  Mother may have to do more of the everyday housework while the help cleans out the fridge.

Reduce the Scope for Chometz Mess

Sometime after Purim, eliminate the tiny chometz items, such as Cheerios, crackers or soup nuts, that get distributed all over the house.  Potato chips and the like might substitute for these few weeks.

Create Blocks of Time for Cleaning

Most mothers cannot work efficiently on the “serious” Pesach cleaning when the children are around.  Either the parents stay up very late the nights before Pesach and/or they have the husband take the children out.  Kid-swaps, where friends or neighbors take turns hosting all the children, are an inexpensive way to find a chunk of time, especially when the children are off from school the week before Pesach.

Check the Chometz Hangouts

 Families with little children typically find much chometz in strollers (and their basket), diaper bags, knapsacks, coats, high chairs, play pens, car seats, and the children’s desks.  Generally, any place in which a young child spends time is likely to have food—the couch, the area that s/he stands while looking out the window, the bed, or the comfy chair.  Toy kitchens, trucks with cargo areas, toy pocket books, heating vents, and behind radiators are other classics.

High chairs are easier to clean by giving them a shower or a bath.  Strollers may be hosed down outdoors, with the pads washed on the gentle cycle and hung to dry.  Some families buy an inexpensive high chair just for Pesach.

Moving furniture and storage boxes may uncover more chometz, but check with a Rav to determine if it’s necessary.  In a process similar to child-proofing, parents should try to examine their rooms from a toddler’s point of view for handy places to put food when they are done.

Avoid Extra Work

Clearing out all the chometz requires physical energy and mental alertness when there are little children around.  Therefore, parents must avoid burning themselves out through unnecessary scrubbing, since this may cause them to skip that crucial last minute check of the swimming bag that unearths the granola bar.

Yom Tov with the Children

 

The Yomim Tovim present parents an opportunity to connect with their children without the pressures and distractions of school.  Yom Tov is also the parents’ time to fulfil the primary role in their children’s chinuch and connection with Yiddishkeit.  In this article, we present tips and strategies to help parents make the most of this opportunity.

This article is geared towards families with children under age fourteen.

Maintaining a Balance

“Don’t forget the children!” was the message a young interviewee wanted to convey to parents on the subject of planning Yom Tov.  However, when planning Yom Tov, parents need to juggle a variety of goals, needs, and wishes within the constraints of time, budget, and energy.  While we want our children to enjoy and benefit from Yom Tov to the maximum, it is neither feasible nor wholesome for children to see themselves as the center of their parents’ universe.

A general approach is to give higher priority to the needs of struggling children, and lower priority to the preferences of children who seem well-adjusted.  When making a decision that runs counter to a child’s desires or needs, it is kinder to acknowledge this to the child rather than letting him/her feel forgotten.  If the decision is truly hard for the child to live with, parents may decide, based on circumstances, to offer some kind of “compensation” such as an extra treat or favor during or after Yom Tov.

Decisions…

When making choices for Yom Tov, parents should keep in mind the medium and long term effects of decisions they made the previous year.  For example, children who were off schedule may have been wild over Yom Tov, but perhaps this is overshadowed by the pleasant memories of a great experience.  On the other hand, an overly turbulent Yom Tov may build up long-term resentment against family members or Yom Tov in general.

Parents may also want to keep in mind that each family is unique, and, therefore, decisions are best made based on their family’s needs and experiences rather than on societal expectations.  In particular, children vary greatly in their tolerance for sleep deprivation or over-stimulating environments.

Consult the Children

It is easier for parents to make optimal decisions when they have all the relevant information.  It is worth asking each child his/her preferences in areas such as Yom Tov activities, foods, company, and schedule.  There may be surprises.

Staying Home vs. Going Away for Yom Tov

A Yom Tov spent with friends or relatives is usually a richer experience for the children.  They have more people to interact with and they may grow through being taken out of their normal environment.  Parents may enjoy reconnecting with their friends or family members.  They may also find it easier to move the family than to prepare an entire Yom Tov.

 

On the other hand, it is hard on some children to be away from home, especially on a three-day Yom Tov.  It is often impossible for children to adhere to their normal schedule, sleeping accommodations are often makeshift, and the food may be unfamiliar.  In addition, sensitive children may be overwhelmed at being surrounded by strangers and a more chaotic environment.

Maintaining Bedtimes vs. Staying up for Meals

Night meals on Yom Tov often take place way after children’s bedtimes.  One option is to encourage children to nap during the day and let them stay up as long as they wish for the night-time seuda.  Participating in the night meals enriches the Yom Tov experience for the children and prevents resentment at being excluded.

The other approach is for the parents to spend quality time with their younger children on Yom Tov afternoon, serve them a nice supper, and put them to bed at their regular bedtime.  Aside from allowing younger children to keep up with their sleep, this option permits parents to focus on their older children, their guests, or each other during the late meals.

Hosting Guests?

In addition to the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim, including guests at the meals adds to the Yom Tov ambience.   Guests are often fun for the children.  It is often a good idea, however, to include at least one meal for just the family to strengthen the family’s sense of achdus and to make sure that every child gets attention.

Eating Out?

The natural impulse is to accept invitations to Yom Tov meals.  However, if parents find that their children often react negatively to dining out, it may be better to decline until the children grow out of their anti-social phase.  If the problem seems to be food-related, parents might ask the host if they could bring a favorite side dish in order to satisfy the children.

Advance Preparations

Suitable Entertainment

Providing the children with toys, games, and reading material enhances Yom Tov for parents and children.  The many Torah-themed versions of popular board games give an extra educational twist and reinforce the Yom Tov atmosphere.  Jewish books are available at our local Judaic library; purchasing second hand books may be another option for tight budgets.  A nice way to freshen the children’s reading material is to purchase back issues of the children’s favorite Torah magazines.

Coordinate with Friends

Compatible playdates make the time fly.  It is wise to coordinate in advance with the parents of the children’s friends to find out who will be home for Yom Tov and to schedule playdates, since telephoning is not an option on Yom Tov.  There is more flexibility if one opts for friends who are geographically closer.  Inviting families with compatible children for meals is another way to help the children socialize on Yom Tov.

Spending Time with the Children

Taking a Yom Tov walk with one or more children provides everyone with much-needed exercise, fresh air, and undistracted attention, even when the weather is not ideal.  Younger children enjoy spending hours at the park; however, parents should make sure that the children drink and snack to avoid meltdowns.

Learning with a child adds a spiritual element to oneg Yom Tov.  However, the learning should be geared to the child’s skill level, attention span, and interest.  It may be advantageous in the long run to read Chassidic tales or other inspiration material with a child who is unhappy at school.

Children and Shul

It is probably better for all parties concerned: the mother, the children, and the tzibbur, when the mother gives up on davening in shul until her youngest children are able to daven independently at shul.  However, going to meet the father at the end of shul provides the children with an outing, the option of hearing some of the davening, and a chance to show off their Yom Tov outfits.  A meaningful compromise may be to catch birkas cohanim, since some children enjoy this experience.  Another possibility is to attend a shul which offers babysitting and/or youth programming.

Sending children to shul before they are capable of davening inside the entire time often means having the children hang out, unsupervised, for hours.  This may lead to bullying or to dangerous activities.

Conclusion

The Yomim Tovim are a wonderful time but can be stressful.  When parents keep their children’s needs in mind, they may help everyone maximize their simchas Yom Tov, creating great memories and fostering spiritual growth for the entire family.

Girls and Davening

 

Teaching Our Daughters to Daven–Tips for fostering sincere prayer

Whereas men have the obligation to daven three times a day, preferably with a minyan, a woman’s obligation is less defined and less structured.  Nevertheless, we want our daughters to include prayer as an important part of their lives, and we want their prayers to come from the heart.  Inculcating these values is a subtle process.  Moreover, every child is unique and one method may work for one child but not another.

Encourage, Don’t Force

A consistent message emerged from the mechanchos and experienced parents whom we interviewed regarding girls davening.  It is preferable that girls not be told what to daven or how long to daven.  Ideally, girls will remember to daven on their own or when they see their mother daven.  Depending on the daughter and her relationship with her parents, the parents may gently remind and encourage a younger girl to daven.  Around Bas Mitzva age, it may be better to stop reminding the girl.

Parents who would like their daughter to daven a minimal subset of the standard davening at any age may consult with their own Rav to determine this minimum. Parents should seek guidance if issues or differences of opinion arise.

The issue typically arises on mornings when girls do not have school.  While mother might expect her daughter to daven the full school davening, this is more than many girls are able and willing to do on their own.  Yeshiva staff find it difficult to keep their girls davening nicely, even as a group singing together and with incentive programs.  Pressuring one’s daughter to daven more than she wishes may cause the girl to resent prayer or to pray without sincerity.

One strategy is to tell the daughter that she decides how much and which part of the davening to pray, but that she should do her very best with that davening.  This way, the child feels that she “owns” her prayer time.  It is best for parents not to check on their daughter’s davening—the girl should see prayer as something private between her and her Creator.

A quote from a distinguished educator summarizes this attitude:

“The main point – the ikkar – is that davening is a privilege; not an onerous duty. We’re not doing Hashem a favor when we daven; we’re doing ourselves a favor.”

Promoting Prayer

While coercion might be counter-productive in the long term, there are strategies that parents may adopt to encourage their children to daven.

Preschoolers

Mother can set a good foundation by singing the davening together with pre-schoolers.  It is nice to coordinate with their playgroup Morah; this reinforces at home what the child is absorbing during the week.

Build Davening into the Routine

For days when school is not in session, it is helpful to build davening into the framework of the day.  One mother used to provide a specific “davening treat” that her little children could take as soon as they finished davening.

Encourage Participation in School Incentive Programs

Morahs usually send checklists of desired activities, including davening times, with their students each weekend and before Yom Tov, especially for the younger grades.  These incentive programs are more effective when parents remind their daughters, fill out check boxes, and make sure the forms return to school.

Get the “Right” Siddur

While providing their daughter with the same siddur they use in school works best for younger girls, older girls may appreciate choosing their own siddur.   Parents might bring their daughter to a Judaica store to help her select the siddur that meets her needs, i.e. with English on her level.  English instructions may be useful to a girl who has trouble following the service in Shul.

Model Prayer

Make sure that children see their mother davening and observe how mother takes it seriously.  On the other hand, mother should make sure that her davening does not impose an undue burden on the household by davening at length during a chaotic situation.

Bring Hashem into Daily Life

When parents speak in terms of everything coming from Hashem, they make it clear that cultivating a relationship with Hashem is worthwhile.  This includes expressing one’s prayer for good outcome of one’s efforts and a heartfelt appreciation when plans run smoothly.

Shabbos Morning: Shul vs. Home

How important is it for girls to attend Shul on Shabbos morning?  Parents and mechanchos feel that girls should not be forced to attend shul. Girls may benefit from attending shul on Shabbos; however, it is not always in the girl’s best interest.

Helping Mother

By the end of the week, mother may need a rest.  Shabbos morning in some families is particularly challenging since younger children do not have school.  It may be a higher priority for daughters to stay home and help.  On the other hand, mother may choose to send her daughter to shul if she feels that her daughter is gaining much from the experience, even if this involves some sacrifice on the mother’s part.

Enjoying Shabbos/Down time

Parents should try to make Shabbos as enjoyable as possible for their children.  Many girls, especially teens, feel pressured during the week, from school work, homework, chessed activities, and helping at home.    While taking into account time needed for davening at home and helping as necessary, girls should know that they will have available some down time to sleep late or to relax.

Supervision

Many mothers cannot attend shul with their older daughters because of the needs of the younger children.  Before sending a girl alone to shul, parents should think carefully about what their daughter will actually do in shul.  Younger girls may not be ready to daven through the entire Shabbos morning service.  Often, they do not know the procedure: what to do and when.  Unless there is someone to guide them, girls might to daven a little and then talk or play.  In general, shul attendance is not spiritually productive when children are not ready; moreover, it may encourage bad habits.

Note: A child who goes to shul is not supervised unless s/he is sitting next to father or mother (or a surrogate) the entire time or is attending a youth program.  Lack of supervision may lead children into dangerous situations, including bullying, and it may cause disruption to the davening of others.

The Quality of the Shul Experience

Tefila B’tzibbur is intrinsically inspiring; kaddish, kedusha, and leining are only experienced with a minyan.  Girls who go to shul may be inspired by observing the intensity with which the women daven.  Some find it easier to appreciate davening when they hear it conducted by a ba’al tefilla.  The spiritual benefit that girls derive from shul attendance depends much on the spiritual level of the shul.  If they see a lack of seriousness in their fellow attendees, they might not benefit.

Yomim Noraim and Shul

Many mothers attend shul over the Yomim Noraim, often bringing children with them so that they too may share in the spirit of the day.  It is important to know each child’s limit and to respect it.  Children find it helpful if they are allowed to bring books to shul and are permitted to go home for breaks (with supervision, as needed).

Conclusion

It is important to allow children to develop spiritually at their own pace in a healthy environment.  It may take some patience on the parents’ part, but this approach is more likely to result in the child gaining a deep and sincere attachment to Torah and tefilla.

Managing the Kids

Getting Along Better with the Kids–Tips for Reducing Frustration

 

Spending a productive day with kids involves juggling housework, errands, “fire-fighting,” and also parenting.  In this article, which was compiled through interviews with experienced parents, we provide some ideas for minimizing the stress in order to enjoy one’s children more.

Understanding One’s Challenging Child(ren)

Children have different personalities. .  Even children who are “normal” may have trouble fitting into a schedule or adopting effective self-help, social, or academic strategies, no matter how skillful their parents’ chinuch techniques.  To avoid constant frustration, parents need to work around these children, ideally without judging them.

All children have their stronger and weaker areas.  If parents realize that their child is challenging than the norm, they should try to learn why.  The pediatrician might provide insights, but it may be necessary to have the child professionally evaluated.  Attention problems (ADD, ADHD), anxiety, and sensory integration deficits may lead to disruptive, uncooperative behavior.  There are situations in which parents might want to lower their expectations: spiritual, academic, and/or social, to avoid overburdening themselves, the child, and the rest of the family.

Setting a Realistic Schedule

Setting a schedule makes a big difference; parents have some control even on the smallest children by setting their nap and bed times.  Parents must decide their preferences: do they want the children in bed early and up early in the morning or up late and sleeping late.

 

When the children are little, it is best to set expectations low.  Before planning a series of errands, think about how much stress the children are able to handle.  Where possible, parents should set their schedules around the children’s nap times.  This may involve being “locked” in the house while the little ones nap, but it reduces the likelihood of frustrating trips with hungry, overtired children and irritated fellow shoppers.

 

Schedules should be communicated to the older children so that they know what to expect and to give them the opportunity to contribute feedback (e.g., forgotten deadlines, playdates, shopping for urgently needed items.)

Positive Reinforcement

Praise is very effective for modifying children’s behavior.  Partial praise for partial achievement or praising for effort allows children to feel rewarded even when they did not meet the goal.  Rewarding children with a one on one treat is particularly valuable for the older children in a family, since they are often saddled with more responsibility and may feel that their needs are overlooked.  These need not be expensive outings; errands followed by a slurpee may do the trick.  Parents may also recognize hard-working older children by granting them extra privileges.

 

Charts and other incentive systems work for many children.  Raffle tickets are one way to keep track of “points”.  When designing the system, parents need to think through how often prizes should be dispensed and how valuable they should be.

More Effective Nagging

Verbal directions should always be given in a calm, matter of fact voice.  Reminders should be polite but concise to avoid embarrassing or “bothering” the child.  Yelling is rarely effective; neither are lectures.  Immediate consequences for failing to meet expectations work better, provided that they are given with a minimum of ill feeling: “I’d really like to read you a story, but you know the rules…”  In general, positive communication should be delivered with passion and enthusiasm, and negative feedback in a neutral tone.

Mentioning the positive achievements of the week at the Shabbos table (e.g. Yoni put away his clothing every night this week) further reinforces the positive.

The Importance of Mentors/Buddies

It is very useful to touch base regularly with experienced parents and/or educators (including play group morahs) to ensure that parental expectations are based on reality.   For example, while a three year old is physically capable of picking after him/herself, are three year olds really picking up on their own after playing?  Before setting new goals for the children as they grow, it is best to check that they are truly age appropriate for their social context.  Mentors are especially valuable when they have experience with children similar to one’s own; otherwise, the guidance may be misleading since so much depends on children’s innate temperament and abilities.

 

Speaking to peers also gives parents a reality check about their expectations.  Unhappiness may be avoided if parents realize that they have been aiming too high, e.g. chessed or communal activities plus learning plus maintaining a household with this number of children. The moral support derived from regular interaction with a friend is also very valuable.

 

Avoiding Conflict

With some children, conflicts arise regularly in specific areas: food, bedtime, hygiene, mitzvah observance, etc.  While parents need to set boundaries and assert their authority over their children, it is not beneficial for the children or the parents to engage in daily battles.  It is a good idea for parents to think over the following questions:

  • How important is the issue?  Perhaps a compromise may be reached.  Perhaps a short break before completing the homework; perhaps the child can skip some of the supper.
  • Why is the child balking?  Are the tzitzes/tights making him/her uncomfortable?  Is s/she scared of the dark?  Does s/he have a food intolerance?

For older children, it may be appropriate to give the child a day or two to formulate why she/he does not want to obey.  This allows both parties to cool off and settle the matter in a more mature fashion.

  • Why is the parent pressing the issue?  Is it purely out of concern for the child’s welfare?  Keeping up appearances with the neighbors?

It is best to try to defuse these issues by referring to a professional: a pediatrician, therapist, nutritionist, Morah, Rebbe, or the family Rav.  Mitzva observance by the young is a halachic question like any other, to be referred to a Rav;  the psak usually depends on the individual situation.  If parents see that their child is spiritually less motivated, they should consult a Rav who is experienced in chinuch matters before trying to “stretch” his/her observance.

Recreational Trips

When taking the children out for a treat, keep in mind costs vs. benefits, cost including wear and tear on the family.  For example, the more exciting place may be further away, subjecting the family to longer time in the car and returning later in the day.  Is it worth it to end a wonderful excursion with tantrums?  In general, it is better to take younger children to simpler, smaller attractions, such as local parks and petting zoos, rather than to major attractions which are more likely to be crowded and over-stimulating.  Always keep in mind the children’s tastes when planning outings, especially as they get older.

Miscellaneous Tips

Take Care of Mother

A calm mother is a more effective parent.  Mothers need time for themselves, whether an hour reading a book with the door closed, regular attendance at a shiur, going to events, or working out at a gym.

When Frustrations Levels Rise

Turning on some lively music for ten to fifteen minutes may be effective when things are out of hand.  Encourage everyone to move to the beat—use up the energy and bring out the smiles.

Alternatively, it may be helpful for the parent to give him/herself a timeout.  Twenty minutes sitting quietly on a recliner may be a mood changer for a fed-up parent.  Where feasible, asking the other parent to take over handling a difficult situation may be enough to change the dynamics for the better.

Have a Backup Supper

When children are not willing to eat the family’s supper, provide them with an established alternative, e.g. breakfast cereal or bread with a spread.  The alternative should be reasonably nutritious, but not especially enticing.

Avoid Negotiating with Small Children

When bedtime arrives, it is more effective to remove the little child from the “action” and bring him/her to the bedtime area rather than arguing about it.  In general, conflict is minimized when parents stick to the routine and avoid making exceptions.

Keep the Troops Fed

Bring a supply of snacks and water when leaving the house, even for short errands.  Children have unpredictable appetites, and eating before leaving may not be sufficient.

Be Careful with Rules

Both parents and children need to save face when there is a conflict.  The more rules parents establish, the less room there is for flexibility and negotiation.  Avoid using words such as “never’ and “always” when explaining the rules.  Consequences also need to be thought through since if they are not enforced, parents lose authority; but if enforced, they may cause too much anger in the child.

 

Indoor Activities for Young Children

 

 

During inclement weather, school vacation, or when children are sick, parents may be confined to the house with their children for days.  While entertaining the children is often challenging, this enforced confinement also presents an opportunity for parents to spend quality time with their children and to foster skills and confidence in different areas.  We hope that this article will be a useful resource for activities.  The material was compiled through interviews with women who teach preschool or run playgroups.  The activities listed were collected mainly for children in the three to six year age range.  Most provide children with useful hand eye coordination, sensory integration, and/or hand strengthening exercises.

General Tips

  • Keep the activity as simple as possible.  Children under age five may be quite contented with a little coloring, cutting, and gluing.
  • Think about cleanup in advance: make sure that the “good” furniture, nice tablecloths, and fragile items are out of the way, use drop cloths (save old tablecloths for this), and dress everyone in their worst.  Leave the cleanup for afterwards; don’t constantly try to maintain a clean area.
  • Many activities are more fun when other children are present.  Parents may wish to take turns hosting each other’s children.
  • Get on the floor and play with toys; the children will want to join in.
  • Use garage sales to stock of all types.  Keep some out of sight for a rainy day. (Clean any item purchased at garage sales and check for breaks.
  • Alternate active/standing activities with quiet/sit down activities through the day.

 

Baking/Cooking

Food preparation appeals to children and adults.  The results are immediate and so is the gratification.  Popular items to bake are challos, pretzels, chocolate chip cookies, brownies, roll out sugar cookies, and cupcakes.  A major advantage of the sugar cookies and cup cakes is that they may also be decorated, with many varieties of sprinkles, with icing, or small candies.  When lollipop sticks are baked into thick sugar cookies, cookies are transformed into lollipops.  A package of small black and whites may be decorated to look like faces.  The black becomes the yarmulke/hair; edible markers may be used on the white part for the rest of the face.  A healthier option is to create snowmen by coating purchased corn thins with cream cheese and using vegetables and/or fruit by the foot or licorice for the details.

 

Cooking is more challenging, since it involves peeling and chopping.  However, this is a useful life skill for children.  Children as young as age four may learn to peel.  Making vegetable soup is a natural, especially for inclement weather.  After the younger children peel, the older children may cut the veggies.

Arts and Crafts 

  • Cutting & Pasting Scissors, paper, and glue allow children to cut shapes and glue them together.  The artwork becomes more interesting if a variety of papers and colors are used.  Paper snowflakes, created by folding paper and making small cuts at the folds, are fun and easy.
  • Play dough (keep in mind it’s chometz) It may be rolled using cylindrical blocks and cut with plastic knives.  It is best played away from carpeted floors, since it usually sticks in the carpet.  Goop is a slimier version, useful for children with sensory integration challenges.
  • Painting Paper may be taped to the wall, to provide children an excellent finger strengthening exercise.  Finger painting may be done in the bathtub, using the tub and tiled walls as canvas.  When the painting is finished, clean up is another activity, using spray bottles filled with water.  Marble painting (not for under 3 year olds) is another variation on painting.  It involves putting the paper to be painted inside a washtub, dipping marbles into tempura paints (preferably not the washable type), putting the marbles into the washtub, and shaking the washtub.
  • Unscented shaving cream sprayed liberally on a surface provides children with something to mold into 3-D shapes.  It is easily cleaned up with dry paper towel.
  • Beading  It is easier to string beads on a stiffer “string”, like pipe cleaners.

(Make sure the beads are not a choking hazard)  Cheerios or Fruit Loops may also be used.

  • Pipe Cleaners  Wick Stix and Bendaroos are variations on the pipe cleaner idea, but are easier to work with, more colorful, and lack sharp ends.
  • Collages, Mobiles  Collages may be created using discarded wrapping paper, ribbons, foil, etc.  Mobiles may be assembled by attaching pictures to wire hangers.  Themes drawn from Parsha, an upcoming Yom Tov, or nature add meaning to the artwork.
  • Free-Form Creativity  Popsicle sticks, cotton balls, and fun foam are all inexpensive items that lend themselves to free form creativity.
  • Rubbings  Rub unwrapped crayons on paper over a variety of textured surfaces.  The paper may be presented later to another family member to guess which surfaces were rubbed.

Games/Puzzles

Some popular board games for young children include Candyland, Memory, and Quirkle.  Card games include Pilot, Catch the Match, Where’s Waldo, I Spy and Finders/Keepers.  Various block toys for very young children include Duplo and Mega Blocks.  Floor puzzles, large puzzles that are assembled on the floor, are suitable for younger children.  It is also entertaining to create one’s own puzzles by drawing on cardboard and cutting the picture into pieces; an older child may create the puzzle for a younger child to assemble.

Another entertainment is to blindfold a child and have him/her try to identify objects by touch, or, if edible, by taste.  Children may be intrigued to categorize foods by sweet, salty, sour, or bitter.  A group of children may enjoy pin the tail on the donkey or put the shamash in the menorah, perhaps after creating the donkey or the menorah.

Physical Exercise

It is particularly challenging to provide the children with physical exercise when they are cooped up in the house.  Wheelbarrow walking, somersaults, jumping jacks, and running in place get kids moving.  These activities may be more stimulating if someone records how long a child is able to sustain them.  If there is room in the house for a circular run (living room/kitchen/ dining room), a parent may have the children run, hop, and jump in sequence all in the same direction.

Exercise CDs (eg Morah Music CDs) guide children through calisthenics.  Children may also enjoy dancing to lively music.  Singing the Hokie Pokie is a great way to get even the youngest children to move their right hand, left hand, right foot in and out and shake it around…   “If you’re happy and you know it…” is also fun.  A parent may also play music while the children move around and have everyone freeze when the music stops.

Another option, assuming that the house has a good-sized room, is timed relay races.  These work better if there are a few children around the same age.  Children may race across the room by hopping on one foot, jumping with their feet in a bag, carrying something etc.  Cushions and toys may also be arranged into an obstacle course including tunnels and bridges.  Parents may also decide, just for this one day, to allow biking in the basement if it is roomy enough.

Music

March the children through the house, each one beating on his/her own musical instrument.  If there aren’t enough toy instruments, spoons and pots and lids make splendid substitutes.  Blasting music with a strong tempo makes the experience more exciting.  Have the children stop their instruments when the music stops.  Little children also enjoy standing on short chairs while playing their instruments: they become a band.

Imaginative Play

Little children adore playing with their parents’ things:  kitchen stuff, safe tools, clothing, etc.  Once in awhile, allow the children free range with items we usually take away from them.  Parents may supervise by participating in the play.

Playing house with the kids may turn into an instructive experience for the parents as they watch their children mirroring them.  Building tents or tunnels out of sheets, cardboard boxes (which may also be decorated), and furniture utilize engineering skills and encourage imaginative play.  Children and parents may also enjoy creating puppets out of paper bags (lunch bags) and using them for role playing.

Media

Sometimes, the only way to keep everyone sane is to play an audio CD or to let the children watch a video.  Different families have different policies about entertainment media; it is appropriate to inform parents of play dates before allowing someone else’s child to listen/watch a CD/DVD.  It is advisable for parents to research before purchasing a CD/DVD.  Apart from hashkafa issues, parents need to think about how scary their young children may find the experience.  Some children may have trouble sleeping after hearing a scary story that other children greatly enjoy.   Good sources of information include the childrens’ teachers/playgroup Moros, friends, and the Rav or Rebbetzin.

Indoors Outside the House

Sometimes, parents have the option of taking the children out.  This often involves spending money.  Some parents may also be concerned about exposing their children to arcade games.  While games for younger children may be wholesome, games for older children may involve violence.  Exploring a mall may provide an outlet for little children to stretch their legs.

 

Libraries are another indoor option.  Many have story hours for toddlers and/or preschoolers.  They often have toys and puzzles to play with, aside from the book collection.  T

Making Lemonade Out of Lemons

A day or a week cooped up in the house is not just a challenge, but an opportunity.  When parents take the time and trouble to engage with their children in enjoyable activities, children learn an important life lesson—good experiences may be squeezed even from unpleasant circumstances.

Welcoming the New Baby

The arrival of a new sibling is always an upheaval in the lives of older brothers and sisters.  For some siblings, it may be a source of stress and even grief.  We compiled tips from experienced parents to help the siblings share in the joy of their expanded family and ease the adjustment.

Preparing for the Birth

Most parents have a policy of not letting their children know about a pregnancy until very late.  This makes it easier to cope with a miscarriage, chas v’shalom, and also spares the children the long wait for the arrival of the baby.  Older children may guess much sooner.  Telling them earlier is a parental boundaries issue—some parents share more information with their children than others.

New baby books are helpful, both before and after the baby arrives.  The public libraries are usually well stocked with these.

It is a wise precaution to make arrangements in advance for someone to sleep at the house if labor starts at night.  Ideally, the children should know and feel comfortable with this adult.  It is also a good idea to “break in” new help before the baby arrives.

Reuniting with Imma

When the mother returns from the hospital, it is best if the children see her first without the baby.  This allows the other children to re-establish their bond.  Younger children should have priority.  For a two year old, the mother’s absence for two days feels like a month.  If children are brought to see Imma in the hospital, the visit should be kept brief so as not to over-tire the recovering mother.

Presents

In many families, it is customary to have the baby “give” presents to the siblings, at least to the younger ones.  Even a token gift generates good will and creates positive memories.  It is useful for friends and family to give a present to youngest sibling who is more likely to appreciate it, rather than giving yet another “baby” present.

Grandparents

Many parents ask grandparents live in the house for the first few weeks after the baby is born.  This allows the family to maintain its routines and older children to stay in school.  Some parents send younger children to the grandparents instead.  In general, it is better for the siblings if the grandparents help with the baby so that their mother is able to give them personal attention.

The Transition Period

The needs of healthy newborns are limited—they require feeding and changing and lots of sleep.  This is a good time to bond more closely with the siblings, since the baby is not getting into mischief.  Mother should avoid giving the baby “unnecessary” attention in the presence of the other children.

For children under age two, the transition is much easier, because at that age, children are not so aware of their position in the family.  They may notice and resent, however, that Imma is caring for the baby when they themselves need something.  Age three and older, resentment may intensify because the three year old is aware of the privileges he/she is losing as the youngest in the family.

A child below school age spends considerable time in the house with mother.  While the mother feeds the baby, she is able to interact with this child.  Once children attend even pre-school, they have much less opportunity to spend time with their parents. The new baby reduces available time and attention even further.  Thus, older children sometimes feel more excluded than the toddler.

With a C-section, Imma is not allowed to lift anyone or anything heavier than the baby.  In that case, it is preferable that the mother explain to the younger siblings that Imma was hurt and is temporarily unable to lift them or let them sit on her lap.  It is best to avoid “blaming” or connecting the “injury” with the baby.  The older siblings become more important here, since they are useful for bending and fetching; lavish praise as mitzvah boy/girl is helpful.

Easing the adjustment

The children may all need one on one time, preferably with their mother.  Even reading a story together for ten minutes makes a difference.  Parents should make a point of telling each child how important they are.

A useful technique for parents is reflective listening: “You’re angry because I can’t get you a juice right now.”  This type of listening lets children know that their parent is listening to them without judging or criticizing.  It encourages the child to speak freely, which is especially important when he or she may be feeling neglected or ignored.

Mothers should also consider talking to the baby about his/her siblings rather than about the baby.  For example, instead of chatting about the diaper change, Imma might say, in the same tone of voice, “Yossi just brought you a diaper.  He’s been so patient while I’m taking care of you.”  Or, when the baby is crying, instead of saying, “Wait, I’m coming, I’m coming,” the parent may say, “Yossi needs me right now;  I’ll take care of you when I’m finished with him.”  Aside from giving “Yossi” the attention, this also demonstrates to Yossi that the baby’s needs do not always override his needs.  And, as far as the baby goes, there is no difference: he/she is hearing a caring tone of voice and is not cognizant of the words.

Involving the Kids

Generally, children are excited and happy to be involved as helpers. It is easier to share the simcha if one is part of the simcha.  Children from age three and up are able to get supplies, rock the baby, wind the swing, and make the baby smile.  Daughters often enjoy mothering; the baby may bond with an older sister who is four years old.  Rather than telling the youngest sibling to keep his/her hands off the baby, parents might guide the little one’s hands away from the face, showing where they make “make nice” to the baby.  Positive verbal reinforcement makes a big difference here.  Parents may also go shopping for baby clothes with the siblings, and they may recruit the older children to help prepare the shalom zachor, the wacht nach treat bags, or the kiddush.

Older siblings often feel empowered by the arrival of the baby, since they are given more responsibility.  They may, however, act out in school.  Teachers should be informed in advance so they know to give the siblings extra attention.

Note:  For safety reasons, the baby should not be left unattended with very young siblings, who may accidentally hurt him/her as they do not understand the implications of their acts.

 

When the Baby is Colicky

A colicky baby puts the entire family under stress.  If the parents are able to afford help, they should hire someone to take care of the baby during the crucial one or two hours when the older children need the most attention.  If the family cannot afford to pay for it, they should look for a volunteer.  There is no shame is asking for help in this situation.  A responsible girl (non-family member)  may be used to hold the baby for an hour or two in some remote part of house.

Reduce Stress

It makes it easier on the whole family if the mother cuts back on “extras”: fancy meals, entertaining, and the like, for the first months after the baby’s arrival.  When neighbors volunteer to help, it is appropriate to accept their offers.  Everyone has their times to give and to take.  Neighbors will feel more comfortable accepting one’s own offers for help if one has accepted their help in the past.

 

The Fussy Infant/Child

Some parents are blessed with an infant who sleeps, eats, meets his/her developmental milestones, coos, and rarely cries. Other children are more challenging.  Friends, relatives, and passers-by often offer conflicting advice.  Parents may feel very confused: which advice should they trust and where should they go for help?

Does Your Young Child Need Help?

The purpose of this article is to provide parents with some concrete information about developmental milestones and “red flags”. If a child displays some of the “red flags” listed here, it may be appropriate to have the child evaluated by a child study team or by a specialist in the area of concern.  Either the parents’ concerns will be alleviated through the evaluation or the evaluator(s) will recommend intervention.  When treated early, many problems may be eased helping the child and his/her family to a happier and more successful future.

The information in this article was collected through interviews with occupational therapists in our community.  In addition, we drew on the experiences of parents who have raised special needs children.

Developmental Milestones and Red Flags for Babies

Children develop at different rates.  Some children are significantly delayed in a specific area and catch up without intervention.  The information provided below is meant to familiarize parents with the standard pattern of development and significant red flags.   Parents should use their own judgment about intervening when their child is behind in developmental milestones.  The red flags, however, are more serious indicators that the child needs help.

Social and Verbal Milestones

At around six weeks, a baby is usually smiling and interacting socially.  Over the next few months, a variety of non-verbal signs of social engagement should appear, including imitation, cooing, and eye contact.

Babies begin babbling by age six months.  Communicative words such as “mama” or “dada” usually emerge before eleven months and two word sentences by eighteen months.  Two year olds typically use multi-word phrases and constantly add to their vocabulary.

Gross and Fine Motor Milestones

Infants are expected to begin rolling over at five months.  By eight months, a baby should be able to assume a sitting position.  Usually, crawling begins at eight months and walking at twelve months.  By one year, babies should also be using the first finger and the thumb (a pincer grasp) when reaching for small objects like cheerios.

Note:  In order to achieve these milestones on schedule, babies need “tummy time,” in which they are left on their stomachs.  Placing infants on their stomachs encourages them to push up with their arms.  This helps build strength and coordination in the trunk, the arms and the shoulders.

Visual Tracking

Newborns are programmed to gaze at their mother’s face when nursing.  By two months, infants are usually swatting at objects nearby.  Visual tracking should be firmly established, both vertically and horizontally by three to four months.  There are a variety of causes when the infant does not focus, including lack of interest, poor vision or visual processing, and difficulty coordinating the eye muscles.

Behavior

When a baby is unusually fussy or unusually passive, it may be symptomatic of an underlying problem.  Babies who have trouble regulating their arousal level are hard to calm once they are aroused.

Sensory Processing Problems

Some children have trouble processing the information that comes through their senses. These children may also be deficient in body awareness, the ability to “feel their body”.  Often, children with these problems have weak muscles (low muscle tone).  In some children, the symptoms may display themselves through delays in achieving standard developmental milestones, such as walking or coloring.  Other children meet their developmental milestones, but show differences in their behavior.  Whether the child is delayed or the child exhibits unusual behavior, he/she may need the intervention of an occupational therapist (OT).

A child with untreated sensory disorders may have problems with social interaction, attention, and/or physical coordination.  Such children may suffer in school from loneliness, bullying, and academic failure.  Depending on the severity of the symptoms, the child may experience difficulty functioning in a yeshiva or in any mainstream setting.

Hypersensitivity

Children with sensory processing disorders may display extreme reactions to stimuli: they under- or over-react to input from their senses.  For example, they might want their bath water very hot or very cold.  They may restrict themselves to very few foods, refusing to eat anything that tastes or feels even slightly different.  Sensory defensiveness may lead the child to reject being touched, even by their parents.  Clothing may be a problem; the child may refuse to have certain materials touch the skin.  Such children may also find it impossible to tolerate noises, such as a vacuum cleaner or other household appliances.  Handling crowds may also be exceptionally challenging.

Speech and Oral Stimulation

Speech delays may occur when a child cannot feel his/her tongue or lips.  Low muscle tone in the jaw and lips may lead to open mouths and drooling.  A need for oral stimulation may cause children to feel a constant need to chew on their toys.

Gross and Fine Motor Skills

Sensory disorders often prevent preschoolers from achieving fine and gross motor milestones at the appropriate age.  The child may be clumsy, often bumping into things.  He/she may be viewed as aggressive, since he/she pushes or squeezes too hard.   The crayon may be fisted rather than grasped between the thumb and the fingers.  The child may also have difficulty playing with blocks, assembling puzzles, or coloring within shapes.

Establishing a Dominance

Normally, children establish a dominant hand that they use eighty percent of the time, by about age three.  It is still normal at that age to switch hands from time to time for convenience or when the dominant hand tires.  However, by age six, children are expected to be using the dominant hand consistently from the beginning to the end of a task.  When children are still using both hands equally, it may be a sign of problems such as low muscle tone in the hands.  “Ambidextrous” children may experience delays in acquiring fine motor skills, including writing.

Attention Disorders

By age three, a child should be able to sit and listen to a book or a story.  He/she should be able to attend a playgroup for a few hours a day.  Sensory processing difficulties can interfere with this.  They may lead to anxiety, unpredictable behavior, and extreme emotional reactions.  The child may be developmentally on track, but unable to function in an age-appropriate manner because he/she is distracted by outside stimuli and/or is uncomfortable with his/her own body.  In short, the child may be exceptionally bright and talented, but he/she may be unable to attain the calm, alert state that is essential for learning.  This may be misinterpreted as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) even when the child does not suffer from attention disorders.  However, it should be noted that children with sensory processing issues often suffer from ADD/ADHD as well.

Behavior

Maintaining appropriate behavior may be a tremendous challenge for children with sensory disorders.  As they are often hypersensitive to many different stimuli, they are constantly being aroused by sounds, smells, touches, or textures that barely register with other people.  Moreover, they have special problems in self-regulation: they cannot calm themselves easily, they have trouble dealing with disappointment, they have low tolerance for frustration, and they do not adjust easily to new situations.  This may lead to frequent and severe tantrums.

Social Issues

When children suffer from sensory disorders, they are likely to suffer social rejection.  Speech and language delays hinder children from being able to express themselves well verbally.  This slows social integration.  Since they are more emotionally unpredictable and extreme, they are more likely to fight with their peers.

Moreover, since these children often cannot handle their own bodies properly, they are more likely to inadvertently invade other children’s space.  On the other hand, they cannot tolerate it when other children are too close to them, such as when standing on line.  In general, they are more likely to overreact to sensory input from a normal classroom setting.  This may lead to inappropriate conduct and negative interactions with classmates, teachers and other authority figures.

Summing It Up

Significant Red Flags for Infants

At this early age, it is difficult to determine the cause of a child’s developmental delays or his/her unusual behavior.  However, the most striking red flags for babies include lack of social engagement, severe delays in developmental milestones, and absence of visual tracking.

Older Children

If your child displays many of the red flags, behavioral issues and/or delays described above, it may be appropriate to seek help.

Early intervention desensitizes a child’s nervous system, allowing him/her to tolerate more stimuli and behave in a more appropriate manner.  Intervention also helps a child “catch up” and makes it easier for the child to fit in socially and academically.

Getting Help

Speaking to the Pediatrician

While many pediatricians are well versed in the developmental milestones and sensory processing, others may not have been trained to detect social or motor delays.  Developmental pediatricians specialize in these areas and may be helpful to parents who are not sure whether their child is just a little late or needs help.  

Tapping into the Public School System

Parents who suspect that their child needs help can request a free evaluation depending on which city or state they live in.  It may be necessary to contact the local public school or board of education to find out which services are available.  There are organizations devoted to helping children with special needs; it may be helpful to tap into them.

If the parents cannot obtain a free evaluation from their local school system, they should look into going the private route to have their child evaluated by a speech, physical, or occupational therapist.  For more complicated situations, it may be necessary to bring in a neurologist.  Insurance may be able to help defray the costs.  While the cost of evaluation and therapy may be large, later interventions are likely to be more costly, financially and emotionally.