The Yomim Tovim present parents an opportunity to connect with their children without the pressures and distractions of school. Yom Tov is also the parents’ time to fulfil the primary role in their children’s chinuch and connection with Yiddishkeit. In this article, we present tips and strategies to help parents make the most of this opportunity.
This article is geared towards families with children under age fourteen.
Maintaining a Balance
“Don’t forget the children!” was the message a young interviewee wanted to convey to parents on the subject of planning Yom Tov. However, when planning Yom Tov, parents need to juggle a variety of goals, needs, and wishes within the constraints of time, budget, and energy. While we want our children to enjoy and benefit from Yom Tov to the maximum, it is neither feasible nor wholesome for children to see themselves as the center of their parents’ universe.
A general approach is to give higher priority to the needs of struggling children, and lower priority to the preferences of children who seem well-adjusted. When making a decision that runs counter to a child’s desires or needs, it is kinder to acknowledge this to the child rather than letting him/her feel forgotten. If the decision is truly hard for the child to live with, parents may decide, based on circumstances, to offer some kind of “compensation” such as an extra treat or favor during or after Yom Tov.
Decisions…
When making choices for Yom Tov, parents should keep in mind the medium and long term effects of decisions they made the previous year. For example, children who were off schedule may have been wild over Yom Tov, but perhaps this is overshadowed by the pleasant memories of a great experience. On the other hand, an overly turbulent Yom Tov may build up long-term resentment against family members or Yom Tov in general.
Parents may also want to keep in mind that each family is unique, and, therefore, decisions are best made based on their family’s needs and experiences rather than on societal expectations. In particular, children vary greatly in their tolerance for sleep deprivation or over-stimulating environments.
Consult the Children
It is easier for parents to make optimal decisions when they have all the relevant information. It is worth asking each child his/her preferences in areas such as Yom Tov activities, foods, company, and schedule. There may be surprises.
Staying Home vs. Going Away for Yom Tov
A Yom Tov spent with friends or relatives is usually a richer experience for the children. They have more people to interact with and they may grow through being taken out of their normal environment. Parents may enjoy reconnecting with their friends or family members. They may also find it easier to move the family than to prepare an entire Yom Tov.
On the other hand, it is hard on some children to be away from home, especially on a three-day Yom Tov. It is often impossible for children to adhere to their normal schedule, sleeping accommodations are often makeshift, and the food may be unfamiliar. In addition, sensitive children may be overwhelmed at being surrounded by strangers and a more chaotic environment.
Maintaining Bedtimes vs. Staying up for Meals
Night meals on Yom Tov often take place way after children’s bedtimes. One option is to encourage children to nap during the day and let them stay up as long as they wish for the night-time seuda. Participating in the night meals enriches the Yom Tov experience for the children and prevents resentment at being excluded.
The other approach is for the parents to spend quality time with their younger children on Yom Tov afternoon, serve them a nice supper, and put them to bed at their regular bedtime. Aside from allowing younger children to keep up with their sleep, this option permits parents to focus on their older children, their guests, or each other during the late meals.
Hosting Guests?
In addition to the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim, including guests at the meals adds to the Yom Tov ambience. Guests are often fun for the children. It is often a good idea, however, to include at least one meal for just the family to strengthen the family’s sense of achdus and to make sure that every child gets attention.
Eating Out?
The natural impulse is to accept invitations to Yom Tov meals. However, if parents find that their children often react negatively to dining out, it may be better to decline until the children grow out of their anti-social phase. If the problem seems to be food-related, parents might ask the host if they could bring a favorite side dish in order to satisfy the children.
Advance Preparations
Suitable Entertainment
Providing the children with toys, games, and reading material enhances Yom Tov for parents and children. The many Torah-themed versions of popular board games give an extra educational twist and reinforce the Yom Tov atmosphere. Jewish books are available at our local Judaic library; purchasing second hand books may be another option for tight budgets. A nice way to freshen the children’s reading material is to purchase back issues of the children’s favorite Torah magazines.
Coordinate with Friends
Compatible playdates make the time fly. It is wise to coordinate in advance with the parents of the children’s friends to find out who will be home for Yom Tov and to schedule playdates, since telephoning is not an option on Yom Tov. There is more flexibility if one opts for friends who are geographically closer. Inviting families with compatible children for meals is another way to help the children socialize on Yom Tov.
Spending Time with the Children
Taking a Yom Tov walk with one or more children provides everyone with much-needed exercise, fresh air, and undistracted attention, even when the weather is not ideal. Younger children enjoy spending hours at the park; however, parents should make sure that the children drink and snack to avoid meltdowns.
Learning with a child adds a spiritual element to oneg Yom Tov. However, the learning should be geared to the child’s skill level, attention span, and interest. It may be advantageous in the long run to read Chassidic tales or other inspiration material with a child who is unhappy at school.
Children and Shul
It is probably better for all parties concerned: the mother, the children, and the tzibbur, when the mother gives up on davening in shul until her youngest children are able to daven independently at shul. However, going to meet the father at the end of shul provides the children with an outing, the option of hearing some of the davening, and a chance to show off their Yom Tov outfits. A meaningful compromise may be to catch birkas cohanim, since some children enjoy this experience. Another possibility is to attend a shul which offers babysitting and/or youth programming.
Sending children to shul before they are capable of davening inside the entire time often means having the children hang out, unsupervised, for hours. This may lead to bullying or to dangerous activities.
Conclusion
The Yomim Tovim are a wonderful time but can be stressful. When parents keep their children’s needs in mind, they may help everyone maximize their simchas Yom Tov, creating great memories and fostering spiritual growth for the entire family.