Each year, when the clock changes in the fall, we enter the “early Shabbos” period, lasting for about three months. With Shabbos starting around 4:15PM, most families are finished with their Friday night meal by 8:00. What happens next?
A Precious Opportunity
Many parents are pressured and time-starved as they juggle work, household duties, various obligations, and their children’s needs. In addition, they may be distracted by telephone calls, text messages, and emails. It is very hard to focus exclusively on the children. Shabbos is the antidote to this problem, since through its restrictions, it provides parents and children with time to reconnect. It is crucial that parents utilize this opportunity in the most optimal way, since Shabbos is also the prime medium through which young children experience both family and Yiddishkeit. The earlier years of childhood are the best time to build the bonds to both.
Families employ different strategies to utilize the long Friday nights of winter to their full potential. Parents should try to be attuned to their children’s response to their chinuch plans. What works for some children does not necessarily work for others, and children’s tastes are likely to change as they grow older.
Creating A Post-Seuda Experience
Some parents make a quick seuda on Friday night. This leaves time for a new venue for their weekly get-together with the children.
Forming a Special Venue
A nice idea, especially for younger families, is to have all the children get into nighttime clothing, fetch their sleeping bags, and stage a pajama party. A blanket draped or tied over some chairs makes an impromptu tent. Favorite dolls or stuffed animals can be brought in, even by children who have outgrown them.
Post-Seuda Treats
An extra cholent, popcorn, grape juice slush: parents may use their imagination or consult with the children to decide on special food to make Friday nights stand out.
Activities
- Discuss the week, preferably emphasizing the positive in keeping with Shabbos spirit.
- Each child suggests a song in turn.
- Parsha, Divrei Torah, Inspirational Story.
- Games: Jewish-themed games are the ideal on Shabbos: guessing games or Jewish versions of Lotto and the like. Some children may prefer classic board games (Monopoly, Sorry, Perpetual Commotion, etc.), puzzles and brain teasers, classic activity games like Simon Says, Red Light/Green Light, Hide & Seek, card games. If the children don’t seem interested in the family’s games, parents may ask them to inform them in advance about the latest games. Note that there is a toy library in Passaic: call 973 472 5414 for more information.
- Acting: Children or parents may stage puppet shows, perform a play, or charades perhaps based on the parsha or on material they are` learning in Yeshiva. A puppet show may be an effective modality for parents to convey a message that their children would not be willing to hear directly.
Having the evening’s activities revolve around a Torah idea: a posuk, a midda, or a mitzvah allows parents and children to be creative while deepening their understanding of an important concept.
Older children might not want to participate but may enjoy reading quietly (and listening in) somewhere in the room. Later, they might appreciate their own one-on-one time with a parent.
Prolonging the Seuda?
For other families, having a long, leisurely Friday night seuda might work better. Older children have more stamina to sit at the table and just talk, provided that the conversation is pitched to their interests. Parents may begin the seuda with singing and parsha sheets pitched towards younger siblings and switch gears after putting the young ones to bed.
Parents may want to take their children’s interests into account when inviting guests for a long Friday night seuda. Some guests stimulate good conversation and enhance the dynamic around the Shabbos table. In general, it is advisable for parents to give their children’s needs priority during sensitive times when they are growing up, since this is the best period for fostering a strong, resilient relationship with parents and Yiddishkeit.
Older Siblings
Not every teen wants to bond with parents and young siblings on Friday night. And, even if they secretly enjoy family-based activities, they may resent having their approval taken for granted. During the week, parents may ask their teen how s/he would like to “play out” Friday night.
One option may be to invite a friend for a sleepover after the seuda. For some families, it may pay to split the parenting, with one parent cozying up with the younger children while the other hangs out in another room with the older ones.
Sometimes, it is best to opt out of family-based activities for the teens and organize an oneg instead. Parents of teens in the same crowd may organize a rotating oneg, serving food, singing, sharing divrei Torah… Aside from keeping one’s child in a safe environment, this may be the parents’ best chance to meet their child’s friends and learn more about his/her life.
Friday Night Learning Programs
These learning programs offer fathers another option for spending time one on one with their sons. While reviewing material covered in school is the obvious option, fathers may consider other kinds of learning. Pirkei Avos, for example, is a good springboard for hashkafa or mussar discussion. However, fathers should not assume that their sons share their interests, since some boys just want to cover their weekly chazara. Fathers may ask their sons to suggest topics.
It is a good idea for parents to ascertain whether their sons really enjoy the Bais Medrash experience or whether they want a break from learning. Some boys need a push to get out of the house, but once they’re at the program, they benefit. For others, being pushed to learn, in or out of the house, is counter-productive and best avoided.
Note: Single mothers are extremely grateful when men offer to learn with their sons or to take them to shul and look after them.
Discussing Hashkafa
Spending quality time with their children on Friday evenings provides parents with their chance to supplement what the children are taught in school. Hashkafa, or Mussar or Chassidic-based teachings may enrich the childrens’ spiritual lives. While children, especially girls, are taught hashkafa in school, this is usually integrated into lesson plans in chumash, navi, and the like. Therefore, children may not realize how much they are receiving at school. Discussing topics at home gives children a chance to articulate their positions and explore different viewpoints without feeling judged by their peers or their teachers. For boys in junior high school this may be their best chance to obtain this type of learning since their Yeshiva curriculum at this age tends to focus mostly on gemara.
Open-ended discussions may be stimulated by having a parent or older child read a meaningful story aloud. Rabbi Yitzchak Eisenman’s short vorts often work well to stimulate thoughtful conversations.
An Opportunity Missed…
Parents are often very fatigued on Friday nights and may succumb to the temptation to “crash” and sleep from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM. However, we are finding boys as young as 7th and 8th grade roaming the streets on Friday night, bored and looking for something to do. The night life in our community contains elements to which parents do not want their children exposed.