Electronic technology has become part of our lives and a presence in our children’s world. Computers, smart phones, electronic toys, email, social media, and a myriad of apps: families need to decide which technologies belong in their homes and how they should be used. The purpose of this article is to provide parents with a framework to help them work out their approach to the challenge that screen-based technology poses to their children’s chinuch. While we do not espouse any specific hashkafa in reference to the use of electronic entertainment or internet technology, we recommend that parents seek Rabbinic guidance to help them make decisions in this area.
This material is based on interviews with parents, children, mechanchim, and the staff of TAG (Technology Awareness Group).
TAG (Technology Awareness Group)
In this article, we mention TAG as a resource for parents. TAG is a volunteer organization under the direction of Rav Matisyahu Salomon shlita, with 29 global offices. Its mission is to help people understand and deal with the challenges raised by their use of digital technology and to help implement proper safeguards (primarily filters) for their use of digital devices. TAG sees itself as a resource to give people the various options, trade-offs, etc., among various filters, apps and device brands. It is up to the individual to decide the level of filtering; TAG does not impose a particular hashkafa.
Decide on a Family Policy
In order for parents to raise their children according to their own values, they need to determine the fit of their values and the products of today’s technology: the games, the communication and the social media. They may find it useful to consult the family Rav, mechanchim at their children’s Yeshiva, relatives, and friends for information and to help formulate a set of policies that’s right for them. This policy should be concrete enough that children know which devices and applications they are allowed to use, such as texting, social media, games, etc.
Once the parents have formulated a family policy, they need to educate their children about their policy, explaining what limits they wish to impose, and why. Policy may need to change over time as technology and family circumstances change. In addition, parents will need to fine tune their policies based on their children’s needs and personalities. All this should be explained regularly to the children.
Stay Educated
It is harder for children to respect their parents’ decisions if they feel that their parents are out-of-touch with the realities of their world. Given how quickly technology and trends change, parents will need to stay up to date by paying attention to what their children talk about and researching what they hear, attending lectures, and discussing the latest parenting challenges with other parents.
Delaying the Introduction of the Technology
Rabbonim and mechanchim advise postponing giving children high-tech entertainment for a variety of reasons, including potential for addiction and the danger of risky internet behavior. While much depends on a child’s personality, in general, minimizing children’s exposure to devices such as smart phones or tablets is helpful.
Children may be introduced to electronic toys on playdates or at family gatherings. Parents may need to state in advance their electronic media policy to friends and the extended family. Close relatives also need to understand the parents’ policy; otherwise, they may give the children iPads, Nintendos, or smartphones as presents when parents do not want their children to use them.
Providing alternative sources of entertainment may be helpful in minimizing children’s desire for electronic entertainment. Parents may take the initiative by organizing group playdates around sports activities and board games. Some games that are popular now include chess, checkers, Perpetual Commotion, Quoridor, Settlers of Catan, Blokus, Bananagram, RubiCub, Kugelach, Connect 4, Backgammon, and Risk. Parents may need to jumpstart interest in games and sports by playing with the children. Keeping the children supplied with entertaining books may also be helpful.
Before Getting the Device/Technology
Children often start asking for electronic toys such as a Nintendo DS or an Xbox in elementary school, with the age varying according to their exposure and their interests. Older children often request iPods, smartphones, or their own email account. The safest policy is for parents to postpone making a decision until they research the questions that we outline below. Children might pressure parents to buy immediately in order to take advantage of a sale; however, parents may respond that their children’s wellbeing is more important to them than the money they may save.
Are there hazards?
Does the game depict violence? How do women appear? Do ads appear during gameplay? Does the sports game include cheerleading segments? Is the game downloaded or upgraded from the internet? A problem with downloading software from the internet is that the software often includes pop up advertisements or ads on the bottom of the screen, since this is one way that developers of free games make their money. These advertisements, which may show up later when the game is played offline, may display images incompatible with the family’s values.
Parents should also find out in advance whether the game/app requires internet access or benefits from internet access. Most multi-player games require internet access. These games often allow players to communicate with each other, such that one’s child may begin exchanging messages with a stranger.
Parents also need to know what follows in practice when a child or family acquires the technology. Speaking to parents whose children already have the device is a good way to learn about unexpected side effects. The TAG office or experienced mechanchim are also important sources of information, since they are in contact with many parents.
Parents may find out, for example, that the game or app may be innocuous, but the device may allow internet access. Supervision might not be available 100% of the time. In addition, families find it extremely difficult to enforce usage limits, especially at night. It is a good idea to speak with a few people, because children vary in their interest in exploring technology, and parents vary in how aware they are of their children’s activities.
If the research seems to indicate that the game is not harmful, parents might try playing the game (or watching others playing it) in order to gain the perspective of a “hands-on” experience.
Can the device/technology be filtered or monitored?
Hardware (iPods, PSPs, Nintendos, smartphones, etc.) and software (games, apps) vary in how effectively they can be protected from the hazards of the internet. TAG advises the community to contact them before purchasing. Many mobile devices do not allow filtering. Filters, too, vary in effectiveness and in the level of control they provide. Parents may “google” the name of the device followed by “parental control bypass” to see the effectiveness of the control. Parents may also wish to find out how much password protection the device or the software allows, and whether there are ways to monitor its use. For example, some applications (apps) have an option to send notifications to an email address each time certain features are accessed.
How will it be used?
Parents should find out which games the child wishes to play and how s/he plans to fit game playing in his/her schedule. How will they prevent the child from spending all day or staying up all hours with the device? Can different profiles be given different settings so that siblings are given content appropriate for their age? How will games be obtained? Some games are only available through app stores. If the device/game requires internet access, how will this be obtained?
What are the Child’s Needs
“One size fits all” does not work well for chinuch. A relevant question may be, “What is the alternative?” If the child is likely to be able and willing to acquire the device on his/her own without consulting the parents, it is better for the parents to offer it preemptively so that they can bring the technology on their own terms and exert some level of monitoring or control.
It is a good idea to consult the family Rav and/or someone experienced to help decide these subjective situations. Where the child does not follow parental rules, it is advisable to seek guidance from outside professional help also.
After Acquiring the Device
The parents should be the first ones to open the box, to install the software, or to set up the account. They need to be the ones to create the passwords and determine the settings. In addition, the device may be pre-loaded with undesirable content (movies, games, or apps) which they will want to remove.
They may bring the device to the TAG office, to a friend, or to a professional to have it set up according to their values. This is the time to have filtering and monitoring software installed, and to learn how to use it. Note: It is often a good idea to consult with TAG even if the parents are technologically savvy, since the parents may not be up to date on parental control options.
If the child sets up the device first, parents should not give up. If they bring it to the TAG office, the staff should be able to reset the device and set up parental controls.
Monitoring Use
Parents should be in constant discussion with children about how they use the device or the communication technology. Should parents feel the necessity to monitor on a closer level, they would explain why and how they would monitor. Parents could decide with children to periodically bring the device to a neutral third party, such as a TAG office to make sure that filters are still working properly. An alternative approach is to acquire the device as “family property” available for use by siblings and parents. This makes it less likely that any of the children will load inappropriate content and allows parents to monitor it without seeming to spy.
Guard Your Own Phone
Parents should keep in mind that their own smartphones may be their children’s primary exposure to inappropriate content and apps. If they feel the need to give children their phones, they must make sure to password protect access to the internet and to close the app store. If there is any doubt about what children may have done with a parent’s device, there is always the option to bring it to TAG.
Conclusion
Children are able to sense how much parents truly value something by seeing how much time and effort parents invest in it. The most convincing way for parents to demonstrate the depth of their commitment to their children’s chinuch and wellbeing is to take the time to learn about and keep up with the technology in the children’s world and to enforce the policies that they determine appropriate for each child.