Tagged Girls

Talking About Tzniyus

 

Tzniyus is one of the primary themes in the chinuch of our daughters.  While there are inspiring explanations for this fundamental mitzvah, this post focuses on providing parents with practical tips to help their daughters develop tzniyus as an internal value.  We do not advocate any specific halachic approach to tzniyus observance.  However, our premise is that parents want to raise self-confident daughters who choose their look based on spiritual values as well as fashion and style.

We would like to thank the parents, Mechanchim, and Mechanchos who contributed to this article.  Special thanks to the talmidos and alumnae of our local Yeshivos for their help in reviewing and editing.

Some Challenges of Tzniyus

  • Peer Pressure: Girls face enormous pressure to conform to the norms of their social group.
  • External Influences:  The styles prevalent in general society permeate our community despite our efforts to live an insular lifestyle.
  • Difficulty Finding Appropriate Clothes:  Much of the clothing available in stores or catalogs is not tzniyusdik.
  • Strong Sense of Style:  Some girls see clothing as their creative outlet and do not want to be constrained by rules.
  • Carelessness:  Maintaining tzniyus entails attention to details to make sure that clothing conforms to the standards, continues to fit in a tzniyusdik manner amid growth spurts and is worn correctly.

The Mother’s Role

A daughter’s adherence to tzniyus often reflects that of her mother.  Mothers may consider the following tips:

Decide Your Values

In order to transmit something as complex as tzniyus, mothers must be clear about their own tzniyus practices and beliefs.  This may involve research: reading books, listening to lectures, or speaking to mentors to decide which standard to practice and to choose for the children.

Parents should try to find a Yeshiva with a hashkafa that is compatible with their own.  Once parents choose which Yeshiva and which chinuch they want for their children, the family is best off if they align themselves with the Yeshiva’s approach even if the standard may be higher than what they are currently practicing.  Parents should try to dress in accordance with the school’s rules, especially when they visit the school.

Be consistent

Children are highly attuned to mixed signals from their parents.  Teens are prone to label inconsistent behavior on their parents’ part as hypocrisy.  Therefore, the mother has to be very careful to always dress in strict conformity to the rules that she chose.  If she is always firm with herself, her children will have a stronger grasp of what is right and what is wrong for their family.

Focus on Tzniyus on a Personal Level

For many women, tzniyus is a spiritual journey in which they raise their level of observance as they grow spiritually.  Children are likely to respect their mother and tzniyus itself as they see her efforts to improve.

Tzniyus groups such as Peninim are based on the idea that when mothers raise their standards, this gives girls moral support to adhere to tzniyus.  To find out more about Peninim in the Passaic/Clifton community, contact Mrs. Aviva Gross, (973) 473 – 3824.

Create an Open Relationship with Children

Given today’s challenging chinuch environment, it is essential that parents build an open relationship with their children based on trust and open communication.  Children need to know that their parents love them, want only the best for them, and are genuinely interested in hearing their point of view.  Mothers must make it clear to their daughters that they want their daughters to look attractive and to fit in socially while dressing tzniyusdik.  The message to be conveyed is that tzniyus is for the sake of the children themselves, rather than for the parents’ comfort or social standing.

In the short term, parents may need to ask their Rav whether maintaining the relationship may require compromising on their children following certain rules, including tzniyus.

Keep Up with Clothing Trends

Social survival for girls means dressing according to the fashions prevalent in their class.  Daughters are more likely to respect their mother if their mother can speak intelligently about what is “in”.  And, it’s easier on the mother/teen relationship when the mother dresses nicely.

Introducing Tzniyus

There are different halachic approaches to when girls need to dress according to tzniyus guidelines for wearing skirts, skirt and sleeve length, and socks or stockings.  Parents may find tzniyus easier for their daughter when they start early.

An advantage of inaugurating some tzniyus practices at age three is that this corresponds with the age that boys begin to wear tzitzis.  The daughter can be told that tzniyus is her mitzvah as she comes of age.  Tightening the standards gradually may be viewed as passing development milestones (e.g. “this is your last summer wearing short socks”).  Preschoolers are often excited to start wearing their school uniform and may be happy to incorporate the same standards in the rest of their clothing.

Parents often tell their little girls that they are princesses, and therefore have to dress to a higher standard.  This works until around age six. Many parents have been successful with telling their daughters that dressing in a less tzniyus way does not “pas” or befit such a “chosheve” girl; this is effective for girls who have an innate sense of dignity.

The concept of tzniyus is often best acquired by practicing it.  When parents dress their young children with tzniyusdik clothing, they cultivate a sense of refinement in dress that cannot be conveyed through lectures.  This is also the time to set the norms for the children. Parents may also reinforce the message by admiring their daughter’s appearance: “You look so nice!”, when her clothing conforms to tzniyus guidelines.

More hands-on opportunities to teach daughters about tzniyus arise when mother and daughter go shopping together.   While trying on a questionable garment, the mother may tell her daughter, “I like this dress but I wouldn’t feel good about myself if I’d wear it.”  The daughter should see that her mother also gets tempted and is able to say no.

Promoting Tzniyus

Girls are more likely to internalize the values and practices of tzniyus if the concept is presented as part of an attractive package rather a set of restrictions.  The tips that follow are more likely to be effective if tzniyus is not explicitly mentioned.

  • Invite families and singles who share the parental tzniyus values, dress attractively, and are fun to be with.
  • Starting from the early years, try to help the children develop friendships with classmates who share the family’s values. This may be a factor in deciding where to live.
  • Find chessed activities run by older girls who model the appropriate dress. There are many opportunities in the community for girls to help, including Project Give and Kool Kids.
  • Talk about women who have made a difference in our history and those are currently or recently active in the community, in order to highlight the importance of the woman’s role in a Torah community.

When girls realize that they have potential to have an impact on their world, they may be more willing to see their personality, skills and talents as their predominant means of self-expression as opposed relying only their clothing for this purpose.

Going Shopping

Ideally, shopping should be a pleasant time for mother/daughter bonding. It is a good idea to plan ahead so that both mother and daughter are not stressed by hunger, time constraints and the like.  Shopping may be seen as a fun mitzvah, to find clothing that will make the girl look attractive while following the halachos of tzniyus.

Researching in advance the fashions, the temptations, and the likely scenarios pays off.  This allows mother and daughter to discuss before the trip what is and what isn’t going to be allowed.  It is also helpful to work out a word or signal that mother should use if she feels that a garment is not tzniyusdik, to minimize embarrassment for the daughter.

Finding tzniyusdik clothing is easier in the frum stores, although this is not guaranteed.  It may be helpful to find a role model who dresses stylishly within the tzniyus parameters, and to shop in accordance with her look.  When mother and daughter have a conflict over a clothing item, the mother should begin by validating her daughter’s desire for the garment: “You do look good in it, but what image do you want to present?”  Spending money on nice accessories can sweeten compromises over clothing.

A skillful seamstress (or a family member) may be able to save the day by altering a dubious garment into a tzniyus one.  There are many ways to work with problematic clothes, and it is helpful for savvy mothers (and daughters) to share tips.  Some examples: using shells, taking in shoulder areas, adding a band of material on top to lengthen skirts, adding material to close a slit…

Parents may need to spend serious money on the clothing.  This can be seen as the hiddur mitzvah.  Daughters should see that parents take the mitzvah seriously and are willing to “put their money where their mouth is”.   Note: gemachs (in and out of town) often carry new or gently used tzniyusdik clothing.

Parents should be aware that sending their daughter shopping with a peer or a relative with different values (grandmother, aunt) may cause tzniyus conflicts if the shopper does not share their tzniyus values.  It is very hard to tell a daughter to return clothing.

Avoiding Power Struggles

Using tact is may avoid loading tzniyus with negative associations.

  • “Let’s go shopping!” – when clothing gets outgrown and therefore, less tzniyusdik
  • “What a dignified outfit!” – when pointing out an example of a tzniyusdik look
  • “That doesn’t look so refined” – when daughter is interested in something less appropriate
  • “That top could use a scarf; do you want to borrow one of mine?” – when daughter enters room wearing a dubious shirt.
  • “Not sure if you can tell but I’m noticing …(insert tzniyus problem – such as, “your sweater is pulling a bit, skirt riding up, etc.)”

In general, tzniyus-related comments have the most impact when given with brevity, nonjudgmentally, and without looking to get into a conversation.

Some teens need their space to experiment with different looks.  It is essential that parents minimize fights over tzniyus, because this creates baggage and resistance for future improvement.  Parents should discuss clothing issues with Rebbetzins and experienced friends to get a better idea of when to give in.

Helping a Daughter with Tzniyus

When a girl deliberately adopts a tzniyus level lower than that of her peer group, it may be due to a number of factors.

Some teens feel a need to experiment with their dress to try out different identities: am I a Yeshivish?   Modern?  A girl might simply prefer a more relaxed, open look than that of her parent’s social circle.  Or, she may be socializing with a less tzniyusdik crowd.

It is important to bear in mind that many girls do experience small-scale challenges with tzniyus at some point in their teenage years. Small changes in dress here and there are normal, and handled tactfully, go away on their own.

Dressing inappropriately may also be due to frustration or to a lack of connection to parents, school, or friends.  In high school, for example, the social scene can be intense and brutal.

To help their daughter, parents may begin with consulting the girl’s Morah or Mechaneches.   The family Rav or a someone experience with teens may also be able to give advice.  Parents should keep in mind that “cracking down” on a teenager may be highly counter-productive. A compromise may entail letting their daughter dress the way she wants in her room at home.

Sometimes, a hobby may be needed to provide her with a more suitable outlet and to build her self-confidence.  There are a variety of extra-curricular activities available in our community, including arts and crafts, dance, gymnastics, and more.  An activity that involves physical movement may help some girls feel more comfortable in their skin, and therefore, more at ease with tzniyus.

If the daughter is struggling, parents may discreetly ask someone: an older sibling, cousin, sister-in-law, or aunt to spend time with her on regular basis.  They could also shop together, minimizing tension with the mother.

In general, dressing highly inappropriately in our community is one way a girl may express her inner pain. Our recommendation is to counter this with lots of unconditional love on the part of her parents, her teachers, and other role models, rather than with lectures or pointers on how to improve her mode of dress.

Does she need professional counseling?

There is a spectrum of tzniyus standards.  When a teen dresses to a lower standard than her parents, she may see this as her choosing a different hashkafa, rather than a symptom of an underlying emotional or mental health issue.

When deciding whether their daughter has deeper problems, parents should examine the way the rest of the family dresses.  If the sons’ manner of dress is less strict, it’s easier to understand if the daughters do not conform to a higher standard either.  And, daughters cannot be blamed if their clothing matches that of their mother.

Some other questions to ask are: does the daughter seem otherwise well-adjusted?  Does she seem content?  Get good grades?  Goal oriented?  Maintain relationships with a set of stable friends?  If most of the answers are yes, it’s probably a hashkafa rather than a therapy (psychological) issue.

If the girl seems to seriously want to attract male attention, parents should consult someone who understands teens, i.e. a therapist or a specialist in at-risk children.

Discussing Tzniyus

Girls vary in how much they are interested in learning about tzniyus.  Some just want to be told the rules and left alone (or so they imply).  For others, tzniyus is an issue that must be discussed over and over. Many girls express the desire to learn the hashkafa and reasons for tzniyus, as opposed to learning rules and halachos in isolation.  Parents need to stay attuned to their children’s reactions when they initiate discussions, so that they use the right approach.  In addition, maintaining an open relationship allows children to bring up any question or topic without feeling judged.

There are many approaches to understanding tzniyus and it’s hard to know in advance which approach will “speak” to a girl.  For example, telling girls that their dress code is meant to protect the men’s spirituality is often counter-productive, since most girls neither understand nor sympathize, but may lose respect for men.  It is a good idea for both parents to research the topic and learn a few ways to explain the hashkafos behind the practices of tzniyus.  There are many good books and speakers on the topic.  Where children are in contact with people who dress differently, parents are even more obliged to be prepared to defend the family’s approach to tzniyus.

Tzniyus, sitting at the juncture between the personal/public, bodily/spiritual and authentic/superficial, is too vital a topic to neglect.  Parents may occasionally try to bring up topics related to this wider concept of tzniyus and see where they lead, to benefit from exploring their thoughts on this important subject.

Conclusion

Transmitting the mesora to one’s children entails that parents accomplish the following:

  • Show the children that living their lives according to Torah is the best way to live.
  • Build a relationship with the children based on trust and unconditional love.
  • Understand that chinuch needs to be customized for each child; there is no “one size fits all”

To close, when it comes to tzniyus, a prominent Rebbetzin states, “”I am a believer in ‘easy-does-it’ versus the sledgehammer approach.”

We wish our readers hatzlacha with their children.

Yom Tov with the Children

 

The Yomim Tovim present parents an opportunity to connect with their children without the pressures and distractions of school.  Yom Tov is also the parents’ time to fulfil the primary role in their children’s chinuch and connection with Yiddishkeit.  In this article, we present tips and strategies to help parents make the most of this opportunity.

This article is geared towards families with children under age fourteen.

Maintaining a Balance

“Don’t forget the children!” was the message a young interviewee wanted to convey to parents on the subject of planning Yom Tov.  However, when planning Yom Tov, parents need to juggle a variety of goals, needs, and wishes within the constraints of time, budget, and energy.  While we want our children to enjoy and benefit from Yom Tov to the maximum, it is neither feasible nor wholesome for children to see themselves as the center of their parents’ universe.

A general approach is to give higher priority to the needs of struggling children, and lower priority to the preferences of children who seem well-adjusted.  When making a decision that runs counter to a child’s desires or needs, it is kinder to acknowledge this to the child rather than letting him/her feel forgotten.  If the decision is truly hard for the child to live with, parents may decide, based on circumstances, to offer some kind of “compensation” such as an extra treat or favor during or after Yom Tov.

Decisions…

When making choices for Yom Tov, parents should keep in mind the medium and long term effects of decisions they made the previous year.  For example, children who were off schedule may have been wild over Yom Tov, but perhaps this is overshadowed by the pleasant memories of a great experience.  On the other hand, an overly turbulent Yom Tov may build up long-term resentment against family members or Yom Tov in general.

Parents may also want to keep in mind that each family is unique, and, therefore, decisions are best made based on their family’s needs and experiences rather than on societal expectations.  In particular, children vary greatly in their tolerance for sleep deprivation or over-stimulating environments.

Consult the Children

It is easier for parents to make optimal decisions when they have all the relevant information.  It is worth asking each child his/her preferences in areas such as Yom Tov activities, foods, company, and schedule.  There may be surprises.

Staying Home vs. Going Away for Yom Tov

A Yom Tov spent with friends or relatives is usually a richer experience for the children.  They have more people to interact with and they may grow through being taken out of their normal environment.  Parents may enjoy reconnecting with their friends or family members.  They may also find it easier to move the family than to prepare an entire Yom Tov.

 

On the other hand, it is hard on some children to be away from home, especially on a three-day Yom Tov.  It is often impossible for children to adhere to their normal schedule, sleeping accommodations are often makeshift, and the food may be unfamiliar.  In addition, sensitive children may be overwhelmed at being surrounded by strangers and a more chaotic environment.

Maintaining Bedtimes vs. Staying up for Meals

Night meals on Yom Tov often take place way after children’s bedtimes.  One option is to encourage children to nap during the day and let them stay up as long as they wish for the night-time seuda.  Participating in the night meals enriches the Yom Tov experience for the children and prevents resentment at being excluded.

The other approach is for the parents to spend quality time with their younger children on Yom Tov afternoon, serve them a nice supper, and put them to bed at their regular bedtime.  Aside from allowing younger children to keep up with their sleep, this option permits parents to focus on their older children, their guests, or each other during the late meals.

Hosting Guests?

In addition to the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim, including guests at the meals adds to the Yom Tov ambience.   Guests are often fun for the children.  It is often a good idea, however, to include at least one meal for just the family to strengthen the family’s sense of achdus and to make sure that every child gets attention.

Eating Out?

The natural impulse is to accept invitations to Yom Tov meals.  However, if parents find that their children often react negatively to dining out, it may be better to decline until the children grow out of their anti-social phase.  If the problem seems to be food-related, parents might ask the host if they could bring a favorite side dish in order to satisfy the children.

Advance Preparations

Suitable Entertainment

Providing the children with toys, games, and reading material enhances Yom Tov for parents and children.  The many Torah-themed versions of popular board games give an extra educational twist and reinforce the Yom Tov atmosphere.  Jewish books are available at our local Judaic library; purchasing second hand books may be another option for tight budgets.  A nice way to freshen the children’s reading material is to purchase back issues of the children’s favorite Torah magazines.

Coordinate with Friends

Compatible playdates make the time fly.  It is wise to coordinate in advance with the parents of the children’s friends to find out who will be home for Yom Tov and to schedule playdates, since telephoning is not an option on Yom Tov.  There is more flexibility if one opts for friends who are geographically closer.  Inviting families with compatible children for meals is another way to help the children socialize on Yom Tov.

Spending Time with the Children

Taking a Yom Tov walk with one or more children provides everyone with much-needed exercise, fresh air, and undistracted attention, even when the weather is not ideal.  Younger children enjoy spending hours at the park; however, parents should make sure that the children drink and snack to avoid meltdowns.

Learning with a child adds a spiritual element to oneg Yom Tov.  However, the learning should be geared to the child’s skill level, attention span, and interest.  It may be advantageous in the long run to read Chassidic tales or other inspiration material with a child who is unhappy at school.

Children and Shul

It is probably better for all parties concerned: the mother, the children, and the tzibbur, when the mother gives up on davening in shul until her youngest children are able to daven independently at shul.  However, going to meet the father at the end of shul provides the children with an outing, the option of hearing some of the davening, and a chance to show off their Yom Tov outfits.  A meaningful compromise may be to catch birkas cohanim, since some children enjoy this experience.  Another possibility is to attend a shul which offers babysitting and/or youth programming.

Sending children to shul before they are capable of davening inside the entire time often means having the children hang out, unsupervised, for hours.  This may lead to bullying or to dangerous activities.

Conclusion

The Yomim Tovim are a wonderful time but can be stressful.  When parents keep their children’s needs in mind, they may help everyone maximize their simchas Yom Tov, creating great memories and fostering spiritual growth for the entire family.

Children and Technology

 

 

Electronic technology has become part of our lives and a presence in our children’s world.  Computers, smart phones, electronic toys, email, social media, and a myriad of apps: families need to decide which technologies belong in their homes and how they should be used.   The purpose of this article is to provide parents with a framework to help them work out their approach to the challenge that screen-based technology poses to their children’s chinuch.  While we do not espouse any specific hashkafa in reference to the use of electronic entertainment or internet technology, we recommend that parents seek Rabbinic guidance to help them make decisions in this area.

This material is based on interviews with parents, children, mechanchim, and the staff of TAG (Technology Awareness Group).

TAG (Technology Awareness Group)

In this article, we mention TAG as a resource for parents.  TAG is a volunteer organization under the direction of Rav Matisyahu Salomon shlita, with 29 global offices.  Its mission is to help people understand and deal with the challenges raised by their use of digital technology and to help implement proper safeguards (primarily filters) for their use of digital devices.  TAG sees itself as a resource to give people the various options, trade-offs, etc., among various filters, apps and device brands. It is up to the individual to decide the level of filtering; TAG does not impose a particular hashkafa.

Decide on a Family Policy

In order for parents to raise their children according to their own values, they need to determine the fit of their values and the products of today’s technology: the games, the communication and the social media. They may find it useful to consult the family Rav, mechanchim at their children’s Yeshiva, relatives, and friends for information and  to help formulate a set of policies that’s right for them. This policy should be concrete enough that children know which devices and applications they are allowed to use, such as texting, social media, games, etc.

Once the parents have formulated a family policy, they need to educate their children about their policy, explaining what limits they wish to impose, and why.  Policy may need to change over time as technology and family circumstances change.  In addition, parents will need to fine tune their policies based on their children’s needs and personalities.  All this should be explained regularly to the children.

Stay Educated

It is harder for children to respect their parents’ decisions if they feel that their parents are out-of-touch with the realities of their world.  Given how quickly technology and trends change, parents will need to stay up to date by paying attention to what their children talk about and researching what they hear, attending lectures, and discussing the latest parenting challenges with other parents.

Delaying the Introduction of the Technology

Rabbonim and mechanchim advise postponing giving children high-tech entertainment for a variety of reasons, including potential for addiction and the danger of risky internet behavior. While much depends on a child’s personality, in general, minimizing children’s exposure to devices such as smart phones or tablets is helpful.

Children may be introduced to electronic toys on playdates or at family gatherings.  Parents may need to state in advance their electronic media policy to friends and the extended family.  Close relatives also need to understand the parents’ policy; otherwise, they may give the children iPads, Nintendos, or smartphones as presents when parents do not want their children to use them.

Providing alternative sources of entertainment may be helpful in minimizing children’s desire for electronic entertainment.  Parents may take the initiative by organizing group playdates around sports activities and board games.  Some games that are popular now include chess, checkers, Perpetual Commotion, Quoridor, Settlers of Catan, Blokus, Bananagram, RubiCub, Kugelach, Connect 4, Backgammon, and Risk.  Parents may need to jumpstart interest in games and sports by playing with the children.  Keeping the children supplied with entertaining books may also be helpful.

Before Getting the Device/Technology

Children often start asking for electronic toys such as a Nintendo DS or an Xbox in elementary school, with the age varying according to their exposure and their interests.  Older children often request iPods, smartphones, or their own email account.  The safest policy is for parents to postpone making a decision until they research the questions that we outline below.  Children might pressure parents to buy immediately in order to take advantage of a sale; however, parents may respond that their children’s wellbeing is more important to them than the money they may save.

Are there hazards?

Does the game depict violence?  How do women appear?  Do ads appear during gameplay? Does the sports game include cheerleading segments?   Is the game downloaded or upgraded from the internet?  A problem with downloading software from the internet is that the software often includes pop up advertisements or ads on the bottom of the screen, since this is one way that developers of free games make their money. These advertisements, which may show up later when the game is played offline, may display images incompatible with the family’s values.

Parents should also find out in advance whether the game/app requires internet access or benefits from internet access.  Most multi-player games require internet access.  These games often allow players to communicate with each other, such that one’s child may begin exchanging messages with a stranger.

Parents also need to know what follows in practice when a child or family acquires the technology.   Speaking to parents whose children already have the device is a good way to learn about unexpected side effects.   The TAG office or experienced mechanchim are also important sources of information, since they are in contact with many parents.

Parents may find out, for example, that the game or app may be innocuous, but the device may allow internet access.  Supervision might not be available 100% of the time. In addition, families find it extremely difficult to enforce usage limits, especially at night.  It is a good idea to speak with a few people, because children vary in their interest in exploring technology, and parents vary in how aware they are of their children’s activities.

If the research seems to indicate that the game is not harmful, parents might try playing the game (or watching others playing it) in order to gain the perspective of a “hands-on” experience.

Can the device/technology be filtered or monitored?

Hardware (iPods, PSPs, Nintendos, smartphones, etc.) and software (games, apps) vary in how effectively they can be protected from the hazards of the internet.  TAG advises the community to contact them before purchasing.  Many mobile devices do not allow filtering.  Filters, too, vary in effectiveness and in the level of control they provide.  Parents may “google” the name of the device followed by “parental control bypass” to see the effectiveness of the control. Parents may also wish to find out how much password protection the device or the software allows, and whether there are ways to monitor its use.  For example, some applications (apps) have an option to send notifications to an email address each time certain features are accessed.

How will it be used?

Parents should find out which games the child wishes to play and how s/he plans to fit game playing in his/her schedule.  How will they prevent the child from spending all day or staying up all hours with the device?   Can different profiles be given different settings so that siblings are given content appropriate for their age?   How will games be obtained?  Some games are only available through app stores.  If the device/game requires internet access, how will this be obtained?

What are the Child’s Needs

“One size fits all” does not work well for chinuch.  A relevant question may be, “What is the alternative?”  If the child is likely to be able and willing to acquire the device on his/her own without consulting the parents, it is better for the parents to offer it preemptively so that they can bring the technology on their own terms and exert some level of monitoring or control.

It is a good idea to consult the family Rav and/or someone experienced to help decide these subjective situations.  Where the child does not follow parental rules, it is advisable to seek guidance from outside professional help also.

After Acquiring the Device

The parents should be the first ones to open the box, to install the software, or to set up the account.  They need to be the ones to create the passwords and determine the settings.  In addition, the device may be pre-loaded with undesirable content (movies, games, or apps) which they will want to remove.

They may bring the device to the TAG office, to a friend, or to a professional to have it set up according to their values.  This is the time to have filtering and monitoring software installed, and to learn how to use it.   Note: It is often a good idea to consult with TAG even if the parents are technologically savvy, since the parents may not be up to date on parental control options.

If the child sets up the device first, parents should not give up.  If they bring it to the TAG office, the staff should be able to reset the device and set up parental controls.

Monitoring Use

Parents should be in constant discussion with children about how they use the device or the communication technology.  Should parents feel the necessity to monitor on a closer level, they would explain why and how they would monitor.  Parents could decide with children to periodically bring the device to a neutral third party, such as a TAG office to make sure that filters are still working properly.  An alternative approach is to acquire the device as “family property” available for use by siblings and parents.  This makes it less likely that any of the children will load inappropriate content and allows parents to monitor it without seeming to spy.

Guard Your Own Phone

Parents should keep in mind that their own smartphones may be their children’s primary exposure to inappropriate content and apps.  If they feel the need to give children their phones, they must make sure to password protect access to the internet and to close the app store.  If there is any doubt about what children may have done with a parent’s device, there is always the option to bring it to TAG.

Conclusion

Children are able to sense how much parents truly value something by seeing how much time and effort parents invest in it.  The most convincing way for parents to demonstrate the depth of their commitment to their children’s chinuch and wellbeing is to take the time to learn about and keep up with the technology in the children’s world and to enforce the policies that they determine appropriate for each child.

 

What Should the Kids Read?

 

Recreational reading is an important and beloved part of childhood.  In this article, based on interviews with local parents and mechachim, we explore some issues related to children and reading.

Benefits and Drawbacks of Recreational Reading

There are many benefits associated with reading extensively.  For beginners, the only way to become a fluent reader is to practice reading.  This is also the most effective way to build vocabulary.  Reading enhances essential communication skills, especially writing.  Avid readers are often successful students.

Additionally, reading teaching children to understand and appreciate people from other cultures or who face different challenges.  This may help children be more tolerant and empathetic to those who are different.

Not least, reading provides many children with hours of enjoyment in the safe environment of their home.  As with any activity, when taken to extremes, excessive reading may also lead to problems.  A child who is absorbed in a book may neglect important activities, such as homework, sleep, chores, and exercise.   Children who are very avid readers may need to be encouraged to take a break

Another potential obstacle with recreational reading is that children may absorb unwholesome facts and attitudes from books.  This is why parents and mechanchim view unrestricted reading with concern.

Why Restrict Reading Material?

Material that we read makes an impression on us.  Ideas pop up unbidden and cannot be excised.  Parents sacrifice much in order to raise their children to stay within their values, paying for Yeshiva tuition and expensive housing in order to be in the “right” environment.

Moreover, the values of society at large have become increasingly at odds with the values of our community.  Parents who were brought up with unrestricted reading might find it useful to spend a little time in the children’s section of the local library to better understand the need for filtering.  Children’s books written after 1980 are more likely to include problematic content.

In addition, our community has become more sensitive to content at variance with our hashkafa.  It is not uncommon for adults to re-read books that they enjoyed as children and wonder why they were allowed to read them.  Inappropriate content is likely to make more of an impression on today’s children, who are often raised in a more sheltered environment than their parents were.

The Limits of Restriction

Parents should be aware that restricting the children’s reading merely allows parents to postpone their children’s exposure.  As they become older and more independent, children are able to obtain “forbidden fruit” if they want it.  In addition, older children possibly will encounter the situations, language, and practices that their parents have been trying to filter from their reading.

Therefore, filtering should be accompanied by education and communication.  As they mature, children need to learn their parents’ perspectives about some of the less pleasant aspects of life.  Parents may need to get advice from their own mentors in order to learn how to present the information.

Moreover, parents cannot forever prescreen their children’s reading.  Some reading restrictions should never disappear, since not everything is appropriate even for adults.  On the other hand, children will grow into adults who need to deal with all kinds of unpalatable truths and situations.  Part of the parents’ mission is to help children develop the ability to deal with the variety of situations that life brings them while filtering out what they need not or should not expose themselves to.

Setting the Family’s Reading Policy

It is useful to consult with the family Rav and/or mentors before making decisions about how open or restrictive to be with the children’s reading.

A family’s reading policy will work better if it meshes with the family’s hashkafa and the parents’ own interests and pursuits.  Otherwise, children perceive inconsistency.  Where parents themselves are more open to the outside world, it probably makes sense to permit a wider range of literature.  For a more Yeshivish family, whose children are comfortable living the more sheltered kollel-type lifestyle, a policy of exclusively Judaic literature may fit.  If the parents do not want their children to read a book or a magazine, they should not leave it around even if the material is appropriate for adults.

The family’s social context also makes a difference.  If the children’s friends and classmates are all reading and discussing a popular series, it imposes a heavy burden to prohibit one’s children from reading those books.  If they are stricter or more lenient than other families in the area, parents should make sure to explain why to their children.

It is better for children to be permitted to read a wider range of books if the alternative may be that they seek less wholesome entertainment, such as some movies or unrestricted internet.

Families should be careful about not undermining each other’s reading policies.  This means not lending books to each other or allowing reading during play dates without parental consent. It is preferable for children not to bring books to school unless the book is on the Yeshiva’s white list.

What Some Parents Are Filtering

Parents have different sensitivities and priorities about what they do not want their children to be exposed to. Most parents prefer to filter male/female content.  Depending on their hashkafa and on their taste, parents have been known to use any of the following criteria to exclude books:

  • Content about other religions
  • Beliefs that contradict Torah hashkafa (Paganism or apikorsus)
  • Inappropriate language
  • Bad middos depicted favorably: disrespect to parents and authority, chutzpah, rebelliousness
  • Glorification of role models who behave inappropriately
  • Violence, cruelty, vulgarity
  • Unhappy family situations
  • Depiction of activities inconsistent with parents’ hashkafa.

Parents should be aware that Jewish reading material should also be checked, as some may contain some of the issues listed above.  Jewish magazines may have articles that explore realities of contemporary life that parents might not want their children to learn about prematurely.

Parents should be aware that while some books in a series may be OK, others in the same series may be objectionable.

Non-fiction books, especially science and current events, may also be problematic for some, since they often present conflicting hashkafa and/or images that parents may not want in their home.

As children mature, parents may wish to find ways to gradually introduce some of this material so that children may learn about science, current events and politics and develop into informed citizens.  Otherwise, working in a non-Orthodox environment or interacting with people from other communities might be problematic.  Moreover, some parents may feel that the traditional values beautifully portrayed in some of the older children’s classics may be worthwhile for their children to experience, even if there are passages to which some may object.  It may be useful for parents to discuss these issues explicitly with their children, so that the children understand what they should and what they should not absorb from such books.

Filtering Techniques

It is much easier to enforce policy on reading material when children are not brought to the library or to bookstores.  It is also a good idea to explain parental policy to grandparents and anyone else who might purchase books for the children.

One filtering technique is to borrow or acquire books from a “white list” of pre-screened material.  Some Yeshivas have compiled such lists and may be willing to share them with parents.

Another option is for parents to screen the books themselves by reading or skimming the entire book.  A short cut is to begin by rejecting any book where the two main characters are a boy and a girl (unless they are siblings) and to read the last paragraph of the middle chapters. This might not catch all problems. Pictures should also be examined, since they are more powerful than words.

Staying in Tune with Your Children

Whether parents believe in stricter or looser control of their children’s reading, parents should try to read or at least skim through their children’s books.  Doing this helps parents enter their children’s world and examine issues that their children face.  Discussing books with the children is a nice way to facilitate open communication.  It’s also a great springboard for sharing and imparting parental values that will hopefully stay with the children for life.  A strong and open parent/child relationship makes it much easier for parents to convey their values and for children to internalize them.

Girls and Davening

 

Teaching Our Daughters to Daven–Tips for fostering sincere prayer

Whereas men have the obligation to daven three times a day, preferably with a minyan, a woman’s obligation is less defined and less structured.  Nevertheless, we want our daughters to include prayer as an important part of their lives, and we want their prayers to come from the heart.  Inculcating these values is a subtle process.  Moreover, every child is unique and one method may work for one child but not another.

Encourage, Don’t Force

A consistent message emerged from the mechanchos and experienced parents whom we interviewed regarding girls davening.  It is preferable that girls not be told what to daven or how long to daven.  Ideally, girls will remember to daven on their own or when they see their mother daven.  Depending on the daughter and her relationship with her parents, the parents may gently remind and encourage a younger girl to daven.  Around Bas Mitzva age, it may be better to stop reminding the girl.

Parents who would like their daughter to daven a minimal subset of the standard davening at any age may consult with their own Rav to determine this minimum. Parents should seek guidance if issues or differences of opinion arise.

The issue typically arises on mornings when girls do not have school.  While mother might expect her daughter to daven the full school davening, this is more than many girls are able and willing to do on their own.  Yeshiva staff find it difficult to keep their girls davening nicely, even as a group singing together and with incentive programs.  Pressuring one’s daughter to daven more than she wishes may cause the girl to resent prayer or to pray without sincerity.

One strategy is to tell the daughter that she decides how much and which part of the davening to pray, but that she should do her very best with that davening.  This way, the child feels that she “owns” her prayer time.  It is best for parents not to check on their daughter’s davening—the girl should see prayer as something private between her and her Creator.

A quote from a distinguished educator summarizes this attitude:

“The main point – the ikkar – is that davening is a privilege; not an onerous duty. We’re not doing Hashem a favor when we daven; we’re doing ourselves a favor.”

Promoting Prayer

While coercion might be counter-productive in the long term, there are strategies that parents may adopt to encourage their children to daven.

Preschoolers

Mother can set a good foundation by singing the davening together with pre-schoolers.  It is nice to coordinate with their playgroup Morah; this reinforces at home what the child is absorbing during the week.

Build Davening into the Routine

For days when school is not in session, it is helpful to build davening into the framework of the day.  One mother used to provide a specific “davening treat” that her little children could take as soon as they finished davening.

Encourage Participation in School Incentive Programs

Morahs usually send checklists of desired activities, including davening times, with their students each weekend and before Yom Tov, especially for the younger grades.  These incentive programs are more effective when parents remind their daughters, fill out check boxes, and make sure the forms return to school.

Get the “Right” Siddur

While providing their daughter with the same siddur they use in school works best for younger girls, older girls may appreciate choosing their own siddur.   Parents might bring their daughter to a Judaica store to help her select the siddur that meets her needs, i.e. with English on her level.  English instructions may be useful to a girl who has trouble following the service in Shul.

Model Prayer

Make sure that children see their mother davening and observe how mother takes it seriously.  On the other hand, mother should make sure that her davening does not impose an undue burden on the household by davening at length during a chaotic situation.

Bring Hashem into Daily Life

When parents speak in terms of everything coming from Hashem, they make it clear that cultivating a relationship with Hashem is worthwhile.  This includes expressing one’s prayer for good outcome of one’s efforts and a heartfelt appreciation when plans run smoothly.

Shabbos Morning: Shul vs. Home

How important is it for girls to attend Shul on Shabbos morning?  Parents and mechanchos feel that girls should not be forced to attend shul. Girls may benefit from attending shul on Shabbos; however, it is not always in the girl’s best interest.

Helping Mother

By the end of the week, mother may need a rest.  Shabbos morning in some families is particularly challenging since younger children do not have school.  It may be a higher priority for daughters to stay home and help.  On the other hand, mother may choose to send her daughter to shul if she feels that her daughter is gaining much from the experience, even if this involves some sacrifice on the mother’s part.

Enjoying Shabbos/Down time

Parents should try to make Shabbos as enjoyable as possible for their children.  Many girls, especially teens, feel pressured during the week, from school work, homework, chessed activities, and helping at home.    While taking into account time needed for davening at home and helping as necessary, girls should know that they will have available some down time to sleep late or to relax.

Supervision

Many mothers cannot attend shul with their older daughters because of the needs of the younger children.  Before sending a girl alone to shul, parents should think carefully about what their daughter will actually do in shul.  Younger girls may not be ready to daven through the entire Shabbos morning service.  Often, they do not know the procedure: what to do and when.  Unless there is someone to guide them, girls might to daven a little and then talk or play.  In general, shul attendance is not spiritually productive when children are not ready; moreover, it may encourage bad habits.

Note: A child who goes to shul is not supervised unless s/he is sitting next to father or mother (or a surrogate) the entire time or is attending a youth program.  Lack of supervision may lead children into dangerous situations, including bullying, and it may cause disruption to the davening of others.

The Quality of the Shul Experience

Tefila B’tzibbur is intrinsically inspiring; kaddish, kedusha, and leining are only experienced with a minyan.  Girls who go to shul may be inspired by observing the intensity with which the women daven.  Some find it easier to appreciate davening when they hear it conducted by a ba’al tefilla.  The spiritual benefit that girls derive from shul attendance depends much on the spiritual level of the shul.  If they see a lack of seriousness in their fellow attendees, they might not benefit.

Yomim Noraim and Shul

Many mothers attend shul over the Yomim Noraim, often bringing children with them so that they too may share in the spirit of the day.  It is important to know each child’s limit and to respect it.  Children find it helpful if they are allowed to bring books to shul and are permitted to go home for breaks (with supervision, as needed).

Conclusion

It is important to allow children to develop spiritually at their own pace in a healthy environment.  It may take some patience on the parents’ part, but this approach is more likely to result in the child gaining a deep and sincere attachment to Torah and tefilla.

Finding Clothes for the Girls

 

Tips to make it easier and less expensive to find the “right” clothes

The Importance of Appearances

Girls are judged primarily by their social skills: how popular they are and how well they fit in. External appearance is an important component of a girl’s social persona.  While cleanliness and neatness are the most essential, girls who wear the clothes (when they are not in uniform), accessories, eye glasses, and hair-do that are current in school find social acceptance easier.  By contrast, a girl who looks neglected or wears unusual clothing is at risk for being bullied or socially excluded.  Even when the child does not care what she is wearing, the parents need to dress her correctly.

The Child Who Needs More

Some children need something extra.  Children who feel inferior for academic, social, or physical reasons may benefit from wearing new or special clothing.

Overweight (and sometimes underweight) children often feel acutely embarrassed by their appearance.  Even though it is hard to find clothing that makes them look good, it is very important for improving their self-image.

Where to Shop

Until school age, parents are usually able to find nice outfits in most clothing stores.  Once girls turn five, shopping becomes more complicated, because the clothing becomes trendier and less modest.  Most Yeshivas for girls require uniforms starting from Pre1A (kindergarten).  Uniforms are usually obtained with relative ease and they greatly simplify the question of what to wear to school.  The shopping focus now shifts to finding outfits for Shabbos, Motzai Shabbos, and Sundays.  These outfits are often created by combining elements from frum stores, such as long sleeved shells and long skirts, with other items obtained from outlet and discount chains.  Girls usually prefer quantity over quality; they enjoy wearing cheap tops for a season and then discarding them.

Once the girl grows into petite adult sizes, she has the option to shop at adult stores.  Teens report finding suitable clothing for good prices (during sales) at major department stores, including Macy’s and Lord and Taylor.

Shopping at the frum stores is convenient, since they are attuned with the styles current in the Yeshiva society.  However, parents should be aware that the stores accommodate a variety of tzniyus standards.  Since much depends on the girl’s body shape, it is a good idea to have the girl sit, stand, bend and walk while trying an outfit.

Strategies for Avoiding Conflict

Clothing is an area prone to parent/daughter conflict due to differences in taste, conflicting beliefs in tzniyus, financial constraints, and self-esteem issues.  However, measures may be taken in advance to mitigate the potential for disagreement.

Creating a Healthy Foundation

Choose your Location

The community, the yeshiva, the neighborhood, and the block all heavily influence a child’s standards in materialism and in adherence to tzniyus.  It is unfair to expect children to maintain different standards than their neighbors.  For example, a mother mentioned that her daughters are happy with two Shabbos outfits apiece, because this is what all the girls on their block have.  In other blocks and neighborhoods, however, girls would expect four or five outfits.  An added benefit of living in an area with compatible standards is that children who live near each other are more likely to be placed in the same class within their grade, reducing the likelihood of peer pressure against parental values.

Parenting Issues

Finding clothes for the children involves the familiar parenting challenges of setting limits and being consistent.  It is essential that children feel that their parents are in charge, that their parents want what is best for them, and that their parents are paying attention to them.  Keeping communication lines open and building trust make it much easier to handle the clothing issue.  There are many books, courses (including by phone), and audio materials to help parents improve their effectiveness.

It is also helpful when parents make their children feel intrinsically special for their own qualities, rather than having to resort to the external boost of an expensive or attention-getting outfit.  A healthy sense of self-worth makes it much easier for children to resist peer pressure to wear clothing that parents cannot afford or approve.

Educating the Daughter

The most effective time to impart one’s values to the children is when they are young.  Therefore, mother should occasionally bring the children along when she shops, and explain to them why she is picking this article of clothing and rejecting that one.

It is easier for parents to explain spending less on their children’s clothing when they explain how they are economizing on their own personal spending.

Mother Should Dress Well

Daughters find it harder to trust their mother’s clothes sense when they think that their mother doesn’t dress well.  Moreover, some girls who are embarrassed by their mother’s looks try harder to dress expensively and/or at the cutting edge of trendiness.  Mother should try to know the prevailing fashion and make sure that she is presentable before going out to car pool and errands.

Tips for Avoiding Conflict While Shopping

Do your Homework

Before going shopping, the mother should know the current styles: what’s in, what’s out, what’s cutting edge, and what’s daring.  It is useful to consult with a few other parents and/or school staff and to look around in shul.

Try to Understand

If the daughter asks for clothing that the parents consider outrageously expensive or trendy, parents should try to understand what is behind her request, rather than dismissing it immediately. The girl may be signaling that she needs friends or that she feels inferior.  The need must be dealt with, even if the request cannot be filled.

Make it Relaxed

Shopping with one’s daughter should ideally be a pleasurable outing and an occasion for one on one time.  This may require finding babysitting or scheduling the shopping late in the evening in order to avoid bringing other siblings.  Make sure both mother and daughter have eaten and are physically comfortable.

Yield Where Possible

Daughters are not copies of their mother.  A daughter might prefer a more spirited style or a more subdued look than her mother’s.  If the outfit is not going to damage the girl’s social standing, the mother should give her room to express herself.  This is especially important for school accessories because all girls are wearing the same uniform.  Accessories, including head bands, belts, glasses, and shoes provide them with an outlet.  However, parents should check that accessories conform to school policy.

Avoid Confrontation

An effective technique is to ask the daughter, “Do you think this skirt/blouse meets the school’s rules?” rather than telling her that the garment is unacceptable.

Parents may also defer a purchase decision, “Let’s think about it.  We can come back later.”

Suggesting that the daughter help pay for an item that is over-budget or not to the parents’ taste, is another way to defuse arguments (assuming the propriety of an outfit is not the issue).

Find a Surrogate

It may make life easier if the parents send their daughter to shop with a savvy, but responsible young adult, such as a big sister, an older cousin, or an aunt.

 

 

Handling or Avoiding Tzniyus Conflicts

Foster a Positive Attitude

When boys get their first tzitzes and yarmulke, parents often celebrate the milestone.  Tzniyus typically first arrives officially in the girl’s life when the Yeshiva’s dress code arrives in the mail before she starts school.  Perhaps, parents should celebrate this milestone, rather than expressing resentment at the new rules and restrictions.

Find Out the Underlying Reason

There are different motives for resisting tzniyus.  Younger children, especially, are rarely against tzniyus in principle. Parents should investigate by asking their daughter and by putting themselves in her place.  The girl may be unaware that the clothing is too tight or that the texture makes her uncomfortable.  Different versions or alterations might solve the problem.

Nuances vs. Halacha

Parents need to pick their battles.  Sometimes, the clothing fits within the measurements of the tzniyus code, but through the color, the cut, or the general trendiness, it sends a message distasteful to the parents.  Depending on the daughter’s needs, her relationship with the parents, and how extreme the look is, it may be wise to yield gracefully.  However, parents may need to bluntly explain to their older daughters the nature of the message that the outfit is broadcasting and why it is simply unacceptable.

Use a Tzniyus Arbiter

It is useful for the mother and the daughter to agree on an independent arbiter to judge whether an outfit is or isn’t acceptable.  The father, the grandmother, or a local Rebbetzin may fill this role.

Spend for Tzniyus

Sometimes, the only way to find clothing that is both tzniyusdik and makes the girl look good is to spend more money.  It may be helpful to view this as spending on hiddur mitzvah rather than as an annoying expense.  Moreover, seeing how much her parents value tzniyus sends a powerful message to the daughter.

Use a Seamstress

A talented seamstress can solve tzniyus disputes by lengthening, adding kick pleats, and closing collars. This adds to the cost, but may be worth it to keep the peace.

Look for Educational Resources

If their daughter is having trouble with the idea or restrictions of tzniyus, parents should look for resources, such as audio tapes from educators who specialize in this area.  The principal or mechaneches may be able to recommend material.  Hearing the message well expressed on her level may help their daughter.

Criticize with Humor

Find a funny code-word to discreetly express to the girls that the outfit which they are trying on is inappropriate.  This gets the message across without explicitly criticizing or embarrassing one’s daughter.

Discrepancies between Home and School

If parents have selected a Yeshiva that maintains a stricter standard than they believe in, they may avoid problems by accepting these new standards wholeheartedly.  At the least, they can make it clear to their children that they respect the school’s standards and expect their daughters to comply totally while at school.

On the other hand, if the family maintains a stricter standard than their community, parents may try to instill in their daughters a quiet pride in adhering to their tzniyus level.

Sometime, girls from low-key families find themselves in a class where they feel pressure to wear trendy and/or expensive clothing (e.g. designer labels).  Generally, girls who are self-confident do not need to follow the cutting edge trends in order to find friends.  Being clean, neat and “put together” usually suffices.  However, there are circumstances in which a girl who is experiencing social difficulties may benefit from conforming more to the clothing style of the class trendsetters.  Parents should consult with school staff to help determine whether this is necessary.

Strategies for Saving Money

Sales, Etc.

The winter sales are a great time to buy long sleeve tops for all-year use.  It often pays to get on the stores’ mailing list, use their in-house credit cards, and shop with coupons.  Buying on-line gives access to additional bargains.  Frum stores usually have twice yearly end-of-season sales.  Beware of buying too far in advance, since the styles change and the old look may not be wearable.

Borrowing/Trading

Girls often adore shopping from their friends’ or their relatives’ closets.  Assuming that they share similar standards, parents may wish to encourage this.

Creating Accessories

Girls may create their own belts out of pieces of fabric.  They may also customize inexpensive head bands and shoes by adding their own appliques: flowers, sequins, etc.

Hand-Me-Downs

Take advantage of offers of used clothing from family and friends.  When a family has a long gap between two of their daughters, it is likely that the outfits will be outdated by the time the younger daughter grows into them.  Ideally, family or neighbors should organize a pool of used clothing, with each participant contributing new outfits to replenish the collection.

Gmachs

Gmachs and thrift shops are two practical options. However, girls are rarely willing to enter a gmach clothing store.  Mother may visit out-of-town establishments (e.g. Kupas Ezra in Monsey), buy half a dozen outfits for dollars apiece, and let her daughter select what she wants.  Although the rejects are not refundable, the visit is usually worthwhile if one Shabbos outfit is obtained.  Note:  clothing donated to a gmach is much more likely to be in style, and hence usable, when donated right away rather than spending a few years in storage.

Understanding the Teenage Daughter

“If my mother thinks it’s lovely, then it’s not happening”

Girls are judged by their appearance and their dress, from elementary school through entry to Shidduchim.  To be seen in the wrong clothing may feel like social suicide.  In this context, a teenager may be wary of accepting a clothing item that her mother likes, because how can one expect mother to be fully up to date with the very latest teen clothing style?  Therefore, it may be good practice for mother to avoid “pushing” or praising an article of clothing that she thinks will suit her teenager.

If the parents have maintained a healthy relationship with their daughter over the years, they should probably relax and let their teen express her new sense of individuality as long as it is consistent with their tzniyus standard.  Usually, teenagers want to make their parents proud of them, even while they are trying out new ways to go about it.

When the Teenager Insists on her Own Standards

If a teenaged daughter refuses to adhere to her family’s or her school’s tzniyus code, it may be a sign that something is wrong.  Parents should not delay in contacting the school and/or their Rav for advice about the situation.  The parents may be advised to consult with one of the organizations which have the experience and the expertise to make the recommendations that are most likely to help their daughter.

Conclusion: Raising Tolerant Daughters

Since girls know that they are judged by their appearance, it is natural for them to judge others by their appearance.  This may cause girls to look down on peers who have stricter or more relaxed standards in tzniyus or who are dressed in outmoded clothing.  Parents may counter this tendency by modeling tolerance and acceptance of others.  When classmates are seen wearing inappropriate outfits, parents may explain that each family has its own derech and follows its own Rav and/or that not all parents have the time or money to find the right clothes for their children.

Summer Vacation: A Time for Growth

The long summer break presents a challenge for parents and children:  it may improve achievement, both academic and spiritual, in the following school year or it may cause regression in both areas.  When parents plan ahead, their children are more likely to benefit from the summer vacation.

 

Setting Standards and Goals

It is useful for parents to set guidelines from the beginning of the summer for davening and learning.  While it would be great if the children would daven as they do in school (or even more), it may be counter-productive to insist on this.  Rebbeim and moros may be helpful in formulating goals that are realistic given the child’s age and temperament; boys over Bar Mitzvah, of course, do not have the same flexibility as younger boys.  Parents need to be consistent in reminding and encouraging their children to follow the plan.  However, if the plan proves to be unrealistic, parents will need to consider modifying it.

The learning over the summer should be low pressure, without tests or deadlines. Additionally, learning outdoors or perhaps in a bais medrash may be more relaxing.  If the parent has a tendency to pressure the child, it is better to avoid subjects that are covered in school.  It is not uncommon for parents to be unable to learn with their children without criticizing them.  A parent who recognizes this is ahead of the game.

Younger Children: Limudei Kodesh Skills Maintenance

Children in the younger grades (third and below) need to practice their loshon hakodesh reading and translating skills over the summer to avoid losing skills.  The learning that occurs in camp is often lighter and might be insufficient to maintain text skills.  Whether it’s kriyah, chumash, rashi, or mishnayos, it is essential that they read the text itself and translate it.  The focus here should be on accuracy and fluency.  Children should work on decoding the words, finding shorashim (roots), prefixes, suffixes, and verb tenses.  The amount of time or quantity of material to cover depends on the child’s ability to concentrate and level of enjoyment.  The range varies dramatically from child to child; it also depends on who is learning with the child.

If the parents are well versed in Hebrew grammar, they might enjoy exploring the weekly parsha in this manner, since this provides variety.  Otherwise, it might be better to review the previous school year’s material and have easier learning and more in-depth coverage.  For example, parents may enrich the learning by taking the time to delve more deeply in a Rashi than is feasible in a classroom setting.  Parents may look for other motivating opportunities such as seforim that deal with topics that are more relevant or interesting to the child.  The learning may be more enjoyable for younger children if there is an attractive, illustrated sefer to learn from.

Mishnayos are nice for boys who are looking for enrichment.  While boys begin mishnayos in third grade at YBH, they may enjoy starting earlier during the summer.  Parents should check that they do not study a masechta that is covered in school.

Older Children

There is a danger of older children finding unwholesome entertainments when left to their own devices.  Thus, it is essential for parents to help their pre-teens find a structured way to occupy their time; i.e. camp or work.  Mowing lawns, helping mothers, volunteering, and assisting at camp are a few options.  Ideally, the child’s activity should lead to a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment at the end of the summer.

During the summer, it is even more important to limit/filter/monitor children’s access to the computer, the internet, cell phones, and iPods.  Parents need to make it clear to their children that they are interested in knowing what they are doing and where they are spending their free time.  Parents need to maintain open lines of communication in order to stay informed and involved with their children as they grow older.

Boys

Gemara learning is an essential part of an older boy’s day for hashkafa reasons and for maintaining academic skills.  During the summer, the main objective of gemara learning should be to help the boy develop confidence, comfort, and an enjoyment of the learning.  Tutors or chavrusas should try to acclimate the boy to the style and structure of the gemara and teach him to “put himself” into a sugya.

Ideally, the learning should take place at the start of the day, in sessions lasting from 45 minutes or more, depending on the boy’s age and ability to concentrate.  If the father is not available, an older friend, relative, or a yeshiva bochur may be recruited as chavrusas.  It is also good for a boy to finish the day with a night seder if possible; halacha or some other lighter learning may work best.

Older boys (closer to Bar Mitzvah) should also be expected to attend at least shachris with a minyan.  It is best for the parents to help their son build good habits of minyan attendance by encouraging him to get up in time at least for an 8:30 minyan.  If this practice is not well engrained by the end of elementary school, the boy will probably have trouble attending morning minyan on time in high school.

When setting expectations, parents must keep in mind their son’s emotional and academic level.  When in doubt, it is wise to consult with the boy’s rebbe, principal and/or the family Rav.

Girls

As girls are neither obligated to attend minyan or to learn Talmud, girls who are not campers or counselors may easily glide through a summer without any spiritual content.  Parents may prevent this by encouraging their daughter to daven daily and to attend shul on Shabbos.  Older girls may also attend shiurim or form their own Pirkei Avos group.  In these groups, girls say the perek together, play a game, and socialize.  Using an English language version of the text promotes discussion, and having a leader, perhaps a high school girl, further enriches the experience.

If the girl is not in any structured program over the summer, parents may try to encourage their daughter to learn from seforim that will provide chizuk and inspiration.  A joint trip to the Judaica shop or a local Jewish library is a good way to obtain the right sefer.  One option is for the parent to learn the sefer one-on-one with their daughter.  Another is to learn the sefer collectively at a Shabbos meal.  If the girl is behind in her academic level, it is important to help her catch up so that she may be more productive the following year.  When girls cannot keep up with their class, their attitude towards mitzvah observance may be affected.

It is important for the parents to hold their daughters during the summer to the same standards of dress, mitzvah observance, and activities that the school mandates during the academic year.  This includes daily tefilla.  Girls should also try to maintain or to initiate a chessed commitment, such as being a mother’s helper, tutoring a younger child, or volunteering with a special needs child.

Hiring a Chavrusa or Tutor

If parents lack the time or background to work with their children or if learning with their children is detrimental for their relationship, parents may consider hiring a chavrusa or a tutor.  In addition, children who are academically weak or unmotivated are likely to need extra help.  Ideally, tutoring should be done one-on-one by a morah or a rebbe used to working with children in that age group.  Another option is to form a group and collectively hire a Rebbe, Morah, or a Yeshiva bochur to learn with a few children at a time.

General Studies

The Importance of Reading

Reading skills are essential for a child’s ability to function.  In addition, books are a wonderful companion for life.  The summer time is a good opportunity for beginning readers to learn to read for pleasure.  Parents may facilitate this by finding books for their children which are at or below the child’s reading level.  Sometimes, a child who is below his/her age level in reading may be encouraged to read to a younger sibling. In general, making plenty of books available is beneficial for promoting reading.

Another way to stimulate an enjoyment of reading is for parents to read with their children.  Aside from building better reading skills, reading with a child promotes bonding.  Ideally, parents should set aside time without interruptions from cell phones, etc.  They may alternate reading pages to each other or the child may read to the parent.  At natural breakpoints, the parent may interrupt with comments or questions, such as, “I didn’t expect that to happen, did you?”  or “I wonder what is going to happen next; what do you think?”  When asking questions which stimulate critical reading, parents should avoid trying to sound like a teacher since this may diminish the child’s enjoyment.

Math

A pleasant way to maintain math skills is to provide children with grade appropriate math activity books.  Math oriented games and puzzles that are related to the previous year’s curriculum help children retain skills.  It is also helpful to integrate math problems into day-to-day life through price comparisons while shopping, doubling recipes, dividing goodies, etc.

However, if a child is behind in basic math skills, such as addition or multiplication, parents must make sure he/she works systematically on building these skills over the summer.  Without these building blocks, children will not be able to learn fractions, decimals, and percentages.  Parents who are concerned may wish to consult the teacher and/or the principal to determine whether their child needs to work seriously on their math during the summer.

Conclusion

The summer is an opportunity for parents to help their child progress spiritually without the pressures of school.  Parents and children may jointly set goals for mitzvah observance and learning.  Older boys may be motivated to learn extra by the prospect of making a siyum on a masechta of mishnayos or a perek of gemara over the summer.  What is accomplished outside the school environment is possibly more genuine than what occurs through peer pressure or disciplinary measures in school.  Additionally, quality is more important than quantity.  What is accomplished over the summer time may make a lasting difference for the child!

 

Managing the Kids

Getting Along Better with the Kids–Tips for Reducing Frustration

 

Spending a productive day with kids involves juggling housework, errands, “fire-fighting,” and also parenting.  In this article, which was compiled through interviews with experienced parents, we provide some ideas for minimizing the stress in order to enjoy one’s children more.

Understanding One’s Challenging Child(ren)

Children have different personalities. .  Even children who are “normal” may have trouble fitting into a schedule or adopting effective self-help, social, or academic strategies, no matter how skillful their parents’ chinuch techniques.  To avoid constant frustration, parents need to work around these children, ideally without judging them.

All children have their stronger and weaker areas.  If parents realize that their child is challenging than the norm, they should try to learn why.  The pediatrician might provide insights, but it may be necessary to have the child professionally evaluated.  Attention problems (ADD, ADHD), anxiety, and sensory integration deficits may lead to disruptive, uncooperative behavior.  There are situations in which parents might want to lower their expectations: spiritual, academic, and/or social, to avoid overburdening themselves, the child, and the rest of the family.

Setting a Realistic Schedule

Setting a schedule makes a big difference; parents have some control even on the smallest children by setting their nap and bed times.  Parents must decide their preferences: do they want the children in bed early and up early in the morning or up late and sleeping late.

 

When the children are little, it is best to set expectations low.  Before planning a series of errands, think about how much stress the children are able to handle.  Where possible, parents should set their schedules around the children’s nap times.  This may involve being “locked” in the house while the little ones nap, but it reduces the likelihood of frustrating trips with hungry, overtired children and irritated fellow shoppers.

 

Schedules should be communicated to the older children so that they know what to expect and to give them the opportunity to contribute feedback (e.g., forgotten deadlines, playdates, shopping for urgently needed items.)

Positive Reinforcement

Praise is very effective for modifying children’s behavior.  Partial praise for partial achievement or praising for effort allows children to feel rewarded even when they did not meet the goal.  Rewarding children with a one on one treat is particularly valuable for the older children in a family, since they are often saddled with more responsibility and may feel that their needs are overlooked.  These need not be expensive outings; errands followed by a slurpee may do the trick.  Parents may also recognize hard-working older children by granting them extra privileges.

 

Charts and other incentive systems work for many children.  Raffle tickets are one way to keep track of “points”.  When designing the system, parents need to think through how often prizes should be dispensed and how valuable they should be.

More Effective Nagging

Verbal directions should always be given in a calm, matter of fact voice.  Reminders should be polite but concise to avoid embarrassing or “bothering” the child.  Yelling is rarely effective; neither are lectures.  Immediate consequences for failing to meet expectations work better, provided that they are given with a minimum of ill feeling: “I’d really like to read you a story, but you know the rules…”  In general, positive communication should be delivered with passion and enthusiasm, and negative feedback in a neutral tone.

Mentioning the positive achievements of the week at the Shabbos table (e.g. Yoni put away his clothing every night this week) further reinforces the positive.

The Importance of Mentors/Buddies

It is very useful to touch base regularly with experienced parents and/or educators (including play group morahs) to ensure that parental expectations are based on reality.   For example, while a three year old is physically capable of picking after him/herself, are three year olds really picking up on their own after playing?  Before setting new goals for the children as they grow, it is best to check that they are truly age appropriate for their social context.  Mentors are especially valuable when they have experience with children similar to one’s own; otherwise, the guidance may be misleading since so much depends on children’s innate temperament and abilities.

 

Speaking to peers also gives parents a reality check about their expectations.  Unhappiness may be avoided if parents realize that they have been aiming too high, e.g. chessed or communal activities plus learning plus maintaining a household with this number of children. The moral support derived from regular interaction with a friend is also very valuable.

 

Avoiding Conflict

With some children, conflicts arise regularly in specific areas: food, bedtime, hygiene, mitzvah observance, etc.  While parents need to set boundaries and assert their authority over their children, it is not beneficial for the children or the parents to engage in daily battles.  It is a good idea for parents to think over the following questions:

  • How important is the issue?  Perhaps a compromise may be reached.  Perhaps a short break before completing the homework; perhaps the child can skip some of the supper.
  • Why is the child balking?  Are the tzitzes/tights making him/her uncomfortable?  Is s/she scared of the dark?  Does s/he have a food intolerance?

For older children, it may be appropriate to give the child a day or two to formulate why she/he does not want to obey.  This allows both parties to cool off and settle the matter in a more mature fashion.

  • Why is the parent pressing the issue?  Is it purely out of concern for the child’s welfare?  Keeping up appearances with the neighbors?

It is best to try to defuse these issues by referring to a professional: a pediatrician, therapist, nutritionist, Morah, Rebbe, or the family Rav.  Mitzva observance by the young is a halachic question like any other, to be referred to a Rav;  the psak usually depends on the individual situation.  If parents see that their child is spiritually less motivated, they should consult a Rav who is experienced in chinuch matters before trying to “stretch” his/her observance.

Recreational Trips

When taking the children out for a treat, keep in mind costs vs. benefits, cost including wear and tear on the family.  For example, the more exciting place may be further away, subjecting the family to longer time in the car and returning later in the day.  Is it worth it to end a wonderful excursion with tantrums?  In general, it is better to take younger children to simpler, smaller attractions, such as local parks and petting zoos, rather than to major attractions which are more likely to be crowded and over-stimulating.  Always keep in mind the children’s tastes when planning outings, especially as they get older.

Miscellaneous Tips

Take Care of Mother

A calm mother is a more effective parent.  Mothers need time for themselves, whether an hour reading a book with the door closed, regular attendance at a shiur, going to events, or working out at a gym.

When Frustrations Levels Rise

Turning on some lively music for ten to fifteen minutes may be effective when things are out of hand.  Encourage everyone to move to the beat—use up the energy and bring out the smiles.

Alternatively, it may be helpful for the parent to give him/herself a timeout.  Twenty minutes sitting quietly on a recliner may be a mood changer for a fed-up parent.  Where feasible, asking the other parent to take over handling a difficult situation may be enough to change the dynamics for the better.

Have a Backup Supper

When children are not willing to eat the family’s supper, provide them with an established alternative, e.g. breakfast cereal or bread with a spread.  The alternative should be reasonably nutritious, but not especially enticing.

Avoid Negotiating with Small Children

When bedtime arrives, it is more effective to remove the little child from the “action” and bring him/her to the bedtime area rather than arguing about it.  In general, conflict is minimized when parents stick to the routine and avoid making exceptions.

Keep the Troops Fed

Bring a supply of snacks and water when leaving the house, even for short errands.  Children have unpredictable appetites, and eating before leaving may not be sufficient.

Be Careful with Rules

Both parents and children need to save face when there is a conflict.  The more rules parents establish, the less room there is for flexibility and negotiation.  Avoid using words such as “never’ and “always” when explaining the rules.  Consequences also need to be thought through since if they are not enforced, parents lose authority; but if enforced, they may cause too much anger in the child.

 

But I Need It!

But I Need It!  Tips on When to Hold Firm, When to Give In

 

It is normal for children to ask their parents for non-essential items, such as expensive toys, designer clothing and accessories, and electronics.  The parents’ challenge is to decide whether or not to give their child what he/she wants.  As there are no blanket rules, we collected tips from parents, counselors, and educators.

 

It’s a Balancing Act

Parents need to balance between their desire to please their children, a concern about spoiling them, and the family’s finances.  In general, it is not a good idea to give in regularly to children’s requests for expensive non-essentials, because this ill prepares children for the real world in which one needs to work in order to attain.  Most importantly in the short term, overindulgence often leads to behavior problems in children, since it prevents them from learning to abide by limits.

However, it is not healthy to consistently deny a child’s requests, since this builds a sense of deprivation which may lead to resentment.  When resentment builds inside a child, it impedes healthy development and may cause long term damage to his/her relationship with the parents.

 

No Blanket Rules

The most important principle in parenting decisions is to know your child and his/her needs.  There are no fixed rules for every situation.  If one’s child seems to be chronically unhappy or misbehaved, parents may need outside opinions to determine whether they are being overly strict or overly indulgent.  Close relatives, the family Rav, or the child’s teachers may be helpful with this.

Sometimes it is a good idea to consult Da’as Torah before making a decision.  Parents may be reluctant to acquire an item because of hashkafa or financial reasons.  A Rav or Rebbetzin (preferably one who knows your child) can help assess whether it’s appropriate to give in or to stand firm.

Factors for Parents to Consider

Child’s Age – Parents have more flexibility with younger children.

Sibling Rank – There is more to lose by giving in to the older siblings in the family, since this sets the pattern for the rest of the children.  Younger siblings, on the other hand, are more likely to need the feeling of empowerment engendered by having their request granted and they may be inclined to feel they are being treated “like a baby” when their request is refused.

Child’s Social Standing – The more self-confident and socially successful the child, the less they need material things to boost their standing.  Children who stand lower in their society may need items that other members of the group possess.

Social Context –If everyone really has it, parents probably need to seriously consider getting it or a legitimate alternative.  It is useful for parents to get a sense of the social norms by speaking to other parents and by observing other children.

The Child’s Nature–Children differ in how much they notice what other people wear or use.  Some people have a stronger inborn need for material items than others.  Girls usually have more needs than boys, since, aside from peer pressure, they often have an innate desire to look their best.  Nevertheless, parents do have a responsibility not to create a bad habit or to cultivate an existing bad character trait.

Techniques for Parents

Negotiate

When children contribute in some way towards earning what they request, many of the negative effects of giving in are mitigated.  Children may earn money by cleaning cars for Pesach, babysitting, running play groups, cutting lawns, shoveling snow, etc.  There may be money available from birthdays, afikomen presents, and the like.  Children may also earn the item by achieving goals in school work or behavior.

Another compromise is for parents and children to brainstorm to find lower cost alternatives—non-designer versions, discount stores, or second hand.  Delaying gratification is another option, assuming that the item fits into parental hashkafa and financial constraints.  For example, parents may tell the child, “When you grow out of the shirts you have now, we can start getting you the other kind of shirt.”

When Saying NO

When we do need to say no to our child, we should do it with a warm, empathetic attitude and not with anger and frustration.  For example, the parent might express sympathy for the child’s desire for the object: “I see that you must really like that color/design …”   It is important for the parent/child relationship that the parent communicate that he/she heard and understood the child’s request before rejecting it.  In summary, parents should try to validate the need and to reject the request, not the requestor.  If it is for financial reasons, parent may mention their economic constraints, but it is better to avoid being too explicit, since this may cause the child anxiety.

Plan before Shopping

Parents are more likely to be pressured into purchases while they are shopping with the children.  Unpleasant scenes and bad decisions are more easily avoided if parents make sure that neither they nor the children are hungry, hot, or tired while shopping.

Managing expectations means spelling out to the children exactly what one intends to purchase at the store, e.g.  we will be looking for one Shabbos outfit.  It is also helpful if parents set a fixed policy about how much money they are willing to spend on impulse purchases.  Sales are a potential problem—children may argue about losing real savings by not buying now.  Sales are a potential problem—children may argue about losing real savings by not buying now.  If this scenario occurs often, parents will need to decide whether or not to forego savings in order to eliminate pressure to make hasty decisions.

Defer Making a Decision

It is a useful practice for both parents and children to have a policy of not always granting or refusing a request immediately.  This helps to defuse an emotional situation and allows parents to think and consult before they decide.  In addition, over time, a child might be distracted from his/her desire.

Budget

For older children, deciding on a set amount of money for different expenses, e.g. clothing for Yom Tov, reduces conflict with the parents.  This way, the children set their own spending priorities, and learn from their experiences.

Parents may also demonstrate budget concepts to children by pointing out how many “regular” items they can buy for the price of one designer piece.  They might also help children explore the difference between the standard and the designer versions.

Prevention

Once children identify themselves by what they own, it is difficult to change their attitudes.  Parents who wish to reduce materialism in their children for hashkafa or financial reasons must work through prevention.

Start When Young

Set boundaries from the beginning with toddlers when they want things in stores.  Parents may begin teaching preschoolers the difference between needs and wants.  For example, when the child demands a cookie after a meal, the parent may counter: “Do you need the cookie or do you want the cookie?”  In general, when limits are set early, expectations are kept in check, leading to more harmony between the children and their parents.

Make Children Feel Special

Often children with a strong desire for materialistic things are suffering from low self esteem.  Recent studies have also demonstrated that the reverse is true: as self-esteem rises, materialism decreases.  When children feel that their parents appreciate them and understand their needs, they feel less need for things.  Little surprises, especially when a child showed extra effort, demonstrate gratitude.  Find ways to reward achievement.  This allows parents to decide when and how to “give in” and indulge their child.

Focus on the Children

Ideally, parents should avoid using electronic gadgets, cell phones, email, and games, when spending time with their children.  This conveys to children that relationships, rather than gadgets, are their parents’ priority.  Parents may also experience more success with their children by simplifying their lives to reduce distracting commitments or activities (including social engagements).  Where children see that they are their parents’ priority, they have less need to bolster their self esteem through material possessions.

Choose Carefully Where to Live

The neighborhood and the school usually determine the children’s desired lifestyle.  While there is some leeway to spend a little more or a little less on one’s children, it is risky to deviate much.

Offer Alternatives

If the parents refuse their children entertaining gadgets, they need to offer alternative entertainment: fun, wholesome activities.  If parents cannot procure kosher, affordable, and engaging activities, children may feel deprived and turn to undesirable activities.

Avoid Embarrassing the Children

For mothers, it is especially important to cultivate a dignified, put-together look, within their means, that shows self respect.  It is also important for the parents to conform to the general style of dress of their social circle.  If the parents stand out, the children may be embarrassed and look for other role models or they may be lured to more expensive lifestyles.  Some children are more sensitive to and aware of these issues than others.

Useful Attitudes to Model

Moderation in Purchasing Things – By demonstrating to children how one makes purchasing decisions, deferring purchases or buying the less expensive item, one teaches without preaching.  Shopping for household items is a good opportunity to discuss quality in relationship to cost – do we buy something because it has someone’s name or brand on it?  Or do we buy it because of value?  Ideally, parents should explain their general approach about what their standard of living should be, given budgetary constraints.  Clarity in this area makes it easier for parents to inculcate their values to the children.

Valuing People for Themselves—and not for what they have.  It may be good policy to stay silent and not admire someone’s fancy purchase or celebration or, perhaps, to praise other qualities in the purchaser.

Simchas Hachayim—Point out to the children the good things in their life.  When parents demonstrate contentment with their own lot, children are more likely to be satisfied with what they have.

Conclusion: The Importance Of Keeping Up/Down With The Cohens

A dominant theme we encountered in researching this article was how little room parents have for maneuver.  Perception is reality, and once a child thinks he/she needs an item, that item becomes a need, no matter how expensive or inappropriate it is.  This puts the onus on the trendsetters in our community.  While it is easy and it seems safer to simply give one’s children what they want if one possesses the financial means, this sometimes creates real problems for other families.

When parents casually give in to a child’s want, they may be creating real needs for other people’s children.  The sums of money are huge: designer clothing and electronic gadgets may run to hundreds of dollars per item, multiplied by the number of children in a family.

The escalation in material standards is not always due to the parents.  It takes great commitment to explain to the loving grandparents (or other relatives) why they should not give one’s children that item that is all the rage in their other grandchildren’s community.  Nevertheless, it is a very high level of tzeddoka, to spare other parents much financial distress and anguish.

 

Welcoming the New Baby

The arrival of a new sibling is always an upheaval in the lives of older brothers and sisters.  For some siblings, it may be a source of stress and even grief.  We compiled tips from experienced parents to help the siblings share in the joy of their expanded family and ease the adjustment.

Preparing for the Birth

Most parents have a policy of not letting their children know about a pregnancy until very late.  This makes it easier to cope with a miscarriage, chas v’shalom, and also spares the children the long wait for the arrival of the baby.  Older children may guess much sooner.  Telling them earlier is a parental boundaries issue—some parents share more information with their children than others.

New baby books are helpful, both before and after the baby arrives.  The public libraries are usually well stocked with these.

It is a wise precaution to make arrangements in advance for someone to sleep at the house if labor starts at night.  Ideally, the children should know and feel comfortable with this adult.  It is also a good idea to “break in” new help before the baby arrives.

Reuniting with Imma

When the mother returns from the hospital, it is best if the children see her first without the baby.  This allows the other children to re-establish their bond.  Younger children should have priority.  For a two year old, the mother’s absence for two days feels like a month.  If children are brought to see Imma in the hospital, the visit should be kept brief so as not to over-tire the recovering mother.

Presents

In many families, it is customary to have the baby “give” presents to the siblings, at least to the younger ones.  Even a token gift generates good will and creates positive memories.  It is useful for friends and family to give a present to youngest sibling who is more likely to appreciate it, rather than giving yet another “baby” present.

Grandparents

Many parents ask grandparents live in the house for the first few weeks after the baby is born.  This allows the family to maintain its routines and older children to stay in school.  Some parents send younger children to the grandparents instead.  In general, it is better for the siblings if the grandparents help with the baby so that their mother is able to give them personal attention.

The Transition Period

The needs of healthy newborns are limited—they require feeding and changing and lots of sleep.  This is a good time to bond more closely with the siblings, since the baby is not getting into mischief.  Mother should avoid giving the baby “unnecessary” attention in the presence of the other children.

For children under age two, the transition is much easier, because at that age, children are not so aware of their position in the family.  They may notice and resent, however, that Imma is caring for the baby when they themselves need something.  Age three and older, resentment may intensify because the three year old is aware of the privileges he/she is losing as the youngest in the family.

A child below school age spends considerable time in the house with mother.  While the mother feeds the baby, she is able to interact with this child.  Once children attend even pre-school, they have much less opportunity to spend time with their parents. The new baby reduces available time and attention even further.  Thus, older children sometimes feel more excluded than the toddler.

With a C-section, Imma is not allowed to lift anyone or anything heavier than the baby.  In that case, it is preferable that the mother explain to the younger siblings that Imma was hurt and is temporarily unable to lift them or let them sit on her lap.  It is best to avoid “blaming” or connecting the “injury” with the baby.  The older siblings become more important here, since they are useful for bending and fetching; lavish praise as mitzvah boy/girl is helpful.

Easing the adjustment

The children may all need one on one time, preferably with their mother.  Even reading a story together for ten minutes makes a difference.  Parents should make a point of telling each child how important they are.

A useful technique for parents is reflective listening: “You’re angry because I can’t get you a juice right now.”  This type of listening lets children know that their parent is listening to them without judging or criticizing.  It encourages the child to speak freely, which is especially important when he or she may be feeling neglected or ignored.

Mothers should also consider talking to the baby about his/her siblings rather than about the baby.  For example, instead of chatting about the diaper change, Imma might say, in the same tone of voice, “Yossi just brought you a diaper.  He’s been so patient while I’m taking care of you.”  Or, when the baby is crying, instead of saying, “Wait, I’m coming, I’m coming,” the parent may say, “Yossi needs me right now;  I’ll take care of you when I’m finished with him.”  Aside from giving “Yossi” the attention, this also demonstrates to Yossi that the baby’s needs do not always override his needs.  And, as far as the baby goes, there is no difference: he/she is hearing a caring tone of voice and is not cognizant of the words.

Involving the Kids

Generally, children are excited and happy to be involved as helpers. It is easier to share the simcha if one is part of the simcha.  Children from age three and up are able to get supplies, rock the baby, wind the swing, and make the baby smile.  Daughters often enjoy mothering; the baby may bond with an older sister who is four years old.  Rather than telling the youngest sibling to keep his/her hands off the baby, parents might guide the little one’s hands away from the face, showing where they make “make nice” to the baby.  Positive verbal reinforcement makes a big difference here.  Parents may also go shopping for baby clothes with the siblings, and they may recruit the older children to help prepare the shalom zachor, the wacht nach treat bags, or the kiddush.

Older siblings often feel empowered by the arrival of the baby, since they are given more responsibility.  They may, however, act out in school.  Teachers should be informed in advance so they know to give the siblings extra attention.

Note:  For safety reasons, the baby should not be left unattended with very young siblings, who may accidentally hurt him/her as they do not understand the implications of their acts.

 

When the Baby is Colicky

A colicky baby puts the entire family under stress.  If the parents are able to afford help, they should hire someone to take care of the baby during the crucial one or two hours when the older children need the most attention.  If the family cannot afford to pay for it, they should look for a volunteer.  There is no shame is asking for help in this situation.  A responsible girl (non-family member)  may be used to hold the baby for an hour or two in some remote part of house.

Reduce Stress

It makes it easier on the whole family if the mother cuts back on “extras”: fancy meals, entertaining, and the like, for the first months after the baby’s arrival.  When neighbors volunteer to help, it is appropriate to accept their offers.  Everyone has their times to give and to take.  Neighbors will feel more comfortable accepting one’s own offers for help if one has accepted their help in the past.