From Elementary School

Helping your child through grades 1 through 8

Those Long Friday Evenings

 

Each year, when the clock changes in the fall, we enter the “early Shabbos” period, lasting for about three months.  With Shabbos starting around 4:15PM, most families are finished with their Friday night meal by 8:00.  What happens next?

A Precious Opportunity

Many parents are pressured and time-starved as they juggle work, household duties, various obligations, and their children’s needs.  In addition, they may be distracted by telephone calls, text messages, and emails.  It is very hard to focus exclusively on the children.  Shabbos is the antidote to this problem, since through its restrictions, it provides parents and children with time to reconnect.  It is crucial that parents utilize this opportunity in the most optimal way, since Shabbos is also the prime medium through which young children experience both family and Yiddishkeit.  The earlier years of childhood are the best time to build the bonds to both.

Families employ different strategies to utilize the long Friday nights of winter to their full potential.  Parents should try to be attuned to their children’s response to their chinuch plans.  What works for some children does not necessarily work for others, and children’s tastes are likely to change as they grow older.

Creating A Post-Seuda Experience

Some parents make a quick seuda on Friday night.  This leaves time for a new venue for their weekly get-together with the children.

Forming a Special Venue

A nice idea, especially for younger families, is to have all the children get into nighttime clothing, fetch their sleeping bags, and stage a pajama party.   A blanket draped or tied over some chairs makes an impromptu tent.  Favorite dolls or stuffed animals can be brought in, even by children who have outgrown them.

Post-Seuda Treats

An extra cholent, popcorn, grape juice slush: parents may use their imagination or consult with the children to decide on special food to make Friday nights stand out.

Activities

  • Discuss the week, preferably emphasizing the positive in keeping with Shabbos spirit.
  • Each child suggests a song in turn.
  • Parsha, Divrei Torah, Inspirational Story.
  • Games: Jewish-themed games are the ideal on Shabbos: guessing games or Jewish versions of Lotto and the like.  Some children may prefer classic board games (Monopoly, Sorry, Perpetual Commotion, etc.), puzzles and brain teasers, classic activity games like Simon Says, Red Light/Green Light, Hide & Seek, card games.  If the children don’t seem interested in the family’s games, parents may ask them to inform them in advance about the latest games.  Note that there is a toy library in Passaic: call 973 472 5414 for more information.
  • Acting: Children or parents may stage puppet shows, perform a play, or charades perhaps based on the parsha or on material they are` learning in Yeshiva. A puppet show may be an effective modality for parents to convey a message that their children would not be willing to hear directly.

Having the evening’s activities revolve around a Torah idea: a posuk, a midda, or a mitzvah allows parents and children to be creative while deepening their understanding of an important concept.

Older children might not want to participate but may enjoy reading quietly (and listening in) somewhere in the room.  Later, they might appreciate their own one-on-one time with a parent.

Prolonging the Seuda?

For other families, having a long, leisurely Friday night seuda might work better.  Older children have more stamina to sit at the table and just talk, provided that the conversation is pitched to their interests.  Parents may begin the seuda with singing and parsha sheets pitched towards younger siblings and switch gears after putting the young ones to bed.

Parents may want to take their children’s interests into account when inviting guests for a long Friday night seuda.  Some guests stimulate good conversation and enhance the dynamic around the Shabbos table.  In general, it is advisable for parents to give their children’s needs priority during sensitive times when they are growing up, since this is the best period for fostering a strong, resilient relationship with parents and Yiddishkeit.

Older Siblings

Not every teen wants to bond with parents and young siblings on Friday night.  And, even if they secretly enjoy family-based activities, they may resent having their approval taken for granted.  During the week, parents may ask their teen how s/he would like to “play out” Friday night.

One option may be to invite a friend for a sleepover after the seuda.  For some families, it may pay to split the parenting, with one parent cozying up with the younger children while the other hangs out in another room with the older ones.

Sometimes, it is best to opt out of family-based activities for the teens and organize an oneg instead.  Parents of teens in the same crowd may organize a rotating oneg, serving food, singing, sharing divrei Torah…  Aside from keeping one’s child in a safe environment, this may be the parents’ best chance to meet their child’s friends and learn more about his/her life.

Friday Night Learning Programs

These learning programs offer fathers another option for spending time one on one with their sons.  While reviewing material covered in school is the obvious option, fathers may consider other kinds of learning.  Pirkei Avos, for example, is a good springboard for hashkafa or mussar discussion.  However, fathers should not assume that their sons share their interests, since some boys just want to cover their weekly chazara.  Fathers may ask their sons to suggest topics.

It is a good idea for parents to ascertain whether their sons really enjoy the Bais Medrash experience or whether they want a break from learning.  Some boys need a push to get out of the house, but once they’re at the program, they benefit.  For others, being pushed to learn, in or out of the house, is counter-productive and best avoided.

Note: Single mothers are extremely grateful when men offer to learn with their sons or to take them to shul and look after them.

Discussing Hashkafa

Spending quality time with their children on Friday evenings provides parents with their chance to supplement what the children are taught in school.  Hashkafa, or Mussar or Chassidic-based teachings may enrich the childrens’ spiritual lives.  While children, especially girls, are taught hashkafa in school, this is usually integrated into lesson plans in chumash, navi, and the like.  Therefore, children may not realize how much they are receiving at school.  Discussing topics at home gives children a chance to articulate their positions and explore different viewpoints without feeling judged by their peers or their teachers.  For boys in junior high school this may be their best chance to obtain this type of learning since their Yeshiva curriculum at this age tends to focus mostly on gemara.

Open-ended discussions may be stimulated by having a parent or older child read a meaningful story aloud.  Rabbi Yitzchak Eisenman’s short vorts often work well to stimulate thoughtful conversations.

An Opportunity Missed…

Parents are often very fatigued on Friday nights and may succumb to the temptation to “crash” and sleep from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM.  However, we are finding boys as young as 7th and 8th grade roaming the streets on Friday night, bored and looking for something to do.  The night life in our community contains elements to which parents do not want their children exposed.

Helping Your Child Read Fluently

 

Tips for parents of children in grades K to 8

Literacy is one of the most important skills children acquire in school.  While most children pick up reading Hebrew and English without much difficulty, 20% to 30% may experience challenges.  This post provides tips to show parents how to identify problems early, remediate literacy challenges, and work with their childrens’ Yeshivos to ensure their children receive a solid foundation in reading.

We thank the mechanchim/mechanchos and reading specialists who generously contributed their experience and expertise for this article.

Common Causes of Reading Problems

Developmental Lag:   The general academic consensus is that children acquire literacy anywhere from ages 5 to 7.  This means that some children are not ready to learn reading at the age that they are taught and that some are not taught at the age when they finally are ready.

Attention Issues:   Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and other disorders impede a child’s ability to concentrate.

Missing Steps:  For various reasons (illness, moves, difficulty with the teacher or other social, learning, or behavioral challenges), a child may miss one of the stages of literacy training.  Since each stage builds on the previous, the child may not be able to catch up.

Phonological Deficiencies:  Some children have trouble identifying sounds and breaking words into different sounds.  Language deficits, such as delayed speech or poor intelligibility, are also associated with literacy difficulties.

Vision Challenges:  Children may be farsighted and need reading glasses.  Others may have trouble getting their eyes to focus properly (convergence) or to maintain focus on the right place on the page (tracking).   Some may see letters in reverse.

Before Starting Pre1a

In the mainstream Yeshiva system, children are taught Hebrew, and sometimes English, letters at age four in Kindergarten.  The next year in Pre1a, they learn Hebrew reading, with a lighter emphasis on reading English.  They are expected to acquire English literacy by the end of first grade.  Educators discourage parents from teaching their children to read before they start school, since this may lead the child to tune out the drills and reinforcement that s/he may need to build fluency.

Building Reading Readiness

Reading to children is a great way to prepare them to read.  This may start at birth.  Hearing the words helps children develop a familiarity with the rhythm and flow of language, acquire richer vocabularies, as well as inferencing skills.

Rhyming books are especially useful for children to build phonological awareness.  If the child has trouble “hearing” the rhyme or the alliterations in the books, parents may teach it by showing the child how words are formed out of sounds.  Language-based games such as “name the sound”, especially for initial sounds in words, are also helpful.  Games that focus on initial sounds are also useful (e.g. Let’s put BBBalls and BBats in the BBBAsket.)

There are many ways parents can familiarize preschoolers with the shapes and sounds of the aleph bais and alphabet.  Puzzles and cookie cutters allow children to feel the shapes of the letters.  Cookie cutters may be used to form shapes in sand, which the child can trace with his/her fingers.  Coloring books provide more ways to interact with the letters.

Accents and Pronunciation

When parents are from a background different from their child’s Yeshiva, they need to decide at the outset whether they want their child to read Hebrew their way or the Yeshiva’s way.  This issue arises when parents have Israeli, Sefardi or Chassidish pronunciation.  If the child is to be taught using the Yeshiva’s pronunciation system, parents may need to adopt that system themselves for kriya practice or find a tutor for kriya work.

Warning Signs

Sometime during the kindergarten year, teachers or parents may detect signs of upcoming reading challenges:

  • Difficulty learning the names and sounds of letters
  • Insensitivity to rhyme or alliteration
  • Delays in speech or difficulties with articulation

Aside from the red flags listed above, parents may be aware of other risk factors for their child, such as their own reading challenges or problems they encountered with siblings.

Early Interventions

Repeat Kindergarten

If the child is immature or born close to the end of the school’s cutoff date, having the child repeat kindergarten may be a good option.  However, parents should keep in mind that repeating kindergarten may not be enough to solve potential reading problems.  Parents need to stay in contact with the school staff during this repeated year to ascertain that their child is keeping up with the class in the pre-reading skills.

Have the Child Assessed

Depending on the extent and severity of the child’s problems, the preschool staff or the pediatrician may recommend a full evaluation by the local school board to find out more about their child’s issues and to try to obtain government funding for remediation.  Alternatively, it may be sufficient to have the child assessed by an eye doctor, occupational therapist (OT), speech-language pathologist, or reading specialist.  It is very important to use the services of a professional who has experience evaluating children with literacy deficits.  Even at preschool age, simple tests can be performed to determine whether the problem is due to visual, auditory, or other deficits.  Based on the assessment, parents should expect to be given instructions on how to build their child’s skills.

Select a School Carefully

If the child’s delay in reading readiness is a maturational issue, finding a school that teaches reading later may be helpful.

If the issue is more complicated, and it’s difficult to be certain at this age that it isn’t, the child may be better out starting out in a Yeshiva that has the resources to help.  Parents may investigate the resource room, learning center, and availability of reading specialists.  They should also inquire who would direct their child’s learning and try to meet this staff member in advance.

Work with the Child

Preschool staff or professionals who meet the child should be able to recommend exercises and activities to help remedy the child’s deficits.  Home activities may make a significant difference for the child.

Pre1a and First Grade

What are the School’s Expectations?

Parents who wish to monitor their child’s progress need to know the informal sub-goals of the school year.  Generally, the school year may be divided into “by Chanuka”, “by Purim”, and “by the end of the year”.  In each school, students are expected to accomplish certain milestones by the end of these markers.  Knowing the expectations helps parents understand whether their child is keeping up with the class.

The Importance of Homework

Reading homework is crucial when the child is learning how to read, because this provides the drill and repetition to build a solid foundation for literacy.  A classroom is not a setting in which each child can be given extensive supervised drill. The homework sessions also help parents identify problem areas.  If the child struggles with the homework, there may be an underlying problem which should be discussed with the Rebbe/Morah or teacher.  Frequent communication between home and school is essential when children experience academic challenges.

Red Flags

At kindergarten and first grade, children should be aware that words are composed of a sequence of sounds and that sounds are associated with specific letters.  If the child makes reading errors unconnected with the sounds of the letters, there may be a difficulty with phonological awareness.  It is also a bad sign if the non-kvetching child complains at this age that reading is too hard.

Summer Homework

It is crucial that children practice their reading in Hebrew and English during the summers after Pre1a and first grade.  In mainstream Yeshivos, the first grade limudei kodesh curriculum is based on the assumption that the students have mastered kriya.  For most children, reading drills over the summer is the only way to retain their newly acquired proficiency so that they are prepared for the next stage.  For a student with reading challenges, summer is the time when they either catch up to their peers due to extensive practice – or fall further behind.

 

Middle Grades

While a child may have picked up reading easily in Pre1a, parents are advised to continue monitoring the child’s reading, especially Hebrew, for the following reasons:

  • The reading gets harder: Children are reading longer passages with smaller print. Rashi script without nekudos is added to their work load.  Problems such as vision issues may emerge at this point.
  • The child may be concealing problems: children find ways to compensate for poor reading skills by memorizing, avoiding, or mumbling.
  • Skills may deteriorate without practice: Students do not have much opportunity to read aloud in class. Homework assignments might not include sufficient reading practice to reinforce skills.
  • This is the time to build fluency. During the initial reading training, accuracy is the prime objective.  Once accuracy is achieved, children are expected to read with greater speed and smoothness. This requires building a large sight vocabulary.

While the phonetic and consistent Hebrew system is intrinsically easier than English, children often read better in English because they understand what they are reading.  Moreover, the child is constantly inundated with English words, whereas s/he is only exposed to Hebrew during formal learning times. If the child is happily reading chapter books, parents probably need not worry about reinforcing English reading skills.  Kriya, however, requires consistent attention from the parents to ensure that the child acquires fluency.

Comprehension

By the middle grades, the focus shifts from reading accurately to reading for comprehension. Comprehension difficulties tend to show after fourth grade and may follow students through high school. A reading specialist or speech-language pathologist can teach students comprehension strategies.

 

 

Kriya Drill Techniques

Reading specialists highly recommend extensive drilling when children learn reading to head off or solve reading problems.  While the child is learning to read, drill consists of doing homework and then practicing further by repeating the same homework or by finding workbooks with similar material.

Once the child learns how to read, drill may be done by reading from the siddur or mishnayos and later, from Tehillim (which contains harder and less familiar words).  Additionally, there are books written in Hebrew which may be enjoyable to read and translate together. While most schools have sufficient fluency practice, it may be a good idea to occasionally listen to the child read.  If a 3rd/4th grader seems truly proficient, parents might stop the kriya practice but encourage the child to undertake shnayim mikra/echod targum (reading the parsha with Targum Onkelos).

Note that a child who struggles benefits more from repeated readings (as in reading the same Pasuk until it’s fluent) than from reading more Tehillim.

Tips for drill:

  • Keep it gentle: don’t pounce on mistakes. One technique is for the parent to put a finger under the letter or word being practiced and not to move it until the child reads it correctly.  Use lots of positive reinforcement to make the child feel good about his/her skills.
  • Accuracy should be worked on first. Once the child is accurate, the parent may try for speed and fluency.
  • If the child tires of reading, take turns reading, finger on the place, while the child follows along inside. Hearing someone read words is a beneficial drill.
  • Offer tiny prizes for each line (or word, if necessary): single winkies, chocolate chips…
  • Vary the drill by having the child read different portions of the page: e.g. all the words that start with daled, lines that have the letter ayin, or words that end with “nu”.
  • Ease up on the drill by having him/her read familiar parts of davening from the siddur.
  • Reread the same line or word several times: this is easier than constantly reading unfamiliar words and is an excellent way to increase fluency.
  • Try choral reading, in which first the parent reads, then the child reads along with the parent, and then the child reads on his/her own. This eases the decoding task.
  • During weekdays, especially long summer days, use technology: let the child record him/herself reading, use walkie/talkies, play a fanfare when s/he gets it right…

Depending on the child’s kriya level, it may be better to correct mistakes instantly, in order to avoid reinforcing incorrect reading or to wait for the end of a sentence, and ask the child to go back and find the errors.  For example, the parent may tell a more practiced reader: “You read the posuk very well, but two words weren’t perfect.  Can you please try again?” This approach may be better for building fluency and confidence in the reading.

Note: While improving kriya is important, it must not be done at the expense of the parent/child relationship.  Parents should keep in mind the child’s tolerance for drill and repetition and stop before s/he reaches the limit.

Getting Help

Reading problems rarely involve total inability to read.  Usually, the symptom is that the child reads slowly and haltingly.  The school may recommend the following interventions:

Resource Room

Many schools have specialists on staff to work individually or in small groups with children who have trouble acquiring the reading skill that their class is learning.  About a quarter of the students in an average Pre1A class are likely to be sent out for this extra help.   The resource room cannot remediate serious problems, since children are not allocated sufficient time for serious reading work.  However, parents can make better use of this resource when they diligently follow through on reading exercises assigned by the professional working with their child.  This includes spending the time assigned for reading practice, and adhering precisely to the assigned material which may have been carefully selected to help with a specific reading challenge.  It is also important to send feedback to the resource room about how the homework went.

Tutoring

While many reading issues can be resolved through extra drill, many parents don’t have the time, patience, or the expertise to work seriously and consistently with their children.  It may be more effective and easier on the parent/child relationship to hire someone to do the drill with their child.

The tutor need not have special expertise with reading.  S/he should be someone intelligent with good people skills who is able to work closely with the staff member who is supervising the child’s education at school.  A combination of resource room and tutoring should be effective to solve the common reading problems where some letters, vowels and combinations were never acquired properly by the child.  More serious problems need a more specialized approach and an experienced tutor or a reading specialist.

 

Reading Specialist

Reading specialists come from a variety of educational backgrounds.  They are often experienced educators who have taken one or more specialized courses on helping children learn how to read.  It is best to find a specialist who has learned more than one approach, since no single technique will help every child.

Sometimes, a child who reads with difficulty never learned to read properly.  Such a child may need to be taught the letters, vowels, and blending from scratch rather than focusing on specific weaknesses.  This may be discovered even with students in middle to upper grades.

Reading specialists charge from $40 to $80 for a 30 to 45-minute session and there should be at least two sessions per week.  In the long run the expense is worthwhile, since solving reading problems early allows a child to succeed in elementary school and may save the family expensive tutoring later.  Parents who cannot afford it may have the specialist assess their child and recommend exercises and teaching materials.  Either the parents or a less expensive tutor might follow through, with the specialist re-evaluating periodically.

Since reading remediation methods are so diverse, it may be necessary to try different specialists until the right approach is found for one’s child.

Other Interventions

Parents and reading specialists have found vision therapy, administered by some optometrists to be helpful for children with convergence and focusing problems.  These children typically have difficulty keeping their place when reading: lines of text run into each other.  They may also find reading to be tiring or that it leads to headaches.

Prism glasses have also been found effective to treat dyslexia associated with difficulty recognizing lettersm, although this is not a conventional use for this eyewear.

Working on vestibular system issues (sense of balance) with an occupational therapist also has been found to help with reading.

In general, professionals are helpful in finding the effective non-mainstream interventions.

Junior High

The junior high school years are an important window of opportunity to solve longstanding problems.  Children are more mature and able to work with a wider variety of literacy education approaches.

For boys, kriya issues are likely to be noticed as Bar Mitzva approaches.  This period is the peak motivation time for boys to improve their kriya.  If their son seems to take this seriously, parents may wish to focus Bar Mitzva preparation on leining rather than on making a siyum so that the boy is not distracted from mastering kriya.

Living with Literacy Challenges

While a child’s reading will almost always benefit from intervention and practice, not every reading problem can be solved in childhood or solved at all.  This puts the onus on parents to help their child develop successfully despite a reading or kriya handicap.

Some tips:

  • Don’t treat this child any different from the others; don’t focus on the reading issue unless actually working on it.
  • Memorize the necessary parts of davening
  • Prepare ahead the upcoming material: psukim, meforshim, mishnayos, gemara, etc.
  • Concentrate on comprehension – build on the strengths, even while continuing to work on improving the reading.
  • Don’t give up. Sometimes, older children (or even adults) who had no success with intervention when they were young will progress rapidly when they are older and given a new chance at serious intervention.

 

Summer Vacation: A Time for Growth

The long summer break presents a challenge for parents and children:  it may improve achievement, both academic and spiritual, in the following school year or it may cause regression in both areas.  When parents plan ahead, their children are more likely to benefit from the summer vacation.

 

Setting Standards and Goals

It is useful for parents to set guidelines from the beginning of the summer for davening and learning.  While it would be great if the children would daven as they do in school (or even more), it may be counter-productive to insist on this.  Rebbeim and moros may be helpful in formulating goals that are realistic given the child’s age and temperament; boys over Bar Mitzvah, of course, do not have the same flexibility as younger boys.  Parents need to be consistent in reminding and encouraging their children to follow the plan.  However, if the plan proves to be unrealistic, parents will need to consider modifying it.

The learning over the summer should be low pressure, without tests or deadlines. Additionally, learning outdoors or perhaps in a bais medrash may be more relaxing.  If the parent has a tendency to pressure the child, it is better to avoid subjects that are covered in school.  It is not uncommon for parents to be unable to learn with their children without criticizing them.  A parent who recognizes this is ahead of the game.

Younger Children: Limudei Kodesh Skills Maintenance

Children in the younger grades (third and below) need to practice their loshon hakodesh reading and translating skills over the summer to avoid losing skills.  The learning that occurs in camp is often lighter and might be insufficient to maintain text skills.  Whether it’s kriyah, chumash, rashi, or mishnayos, it is essential that they read the text itself and translate it.  The focus here should be on accuracy and fluency.  Children should work on decoding the words, finding shorashim (roots), prefixes, suffixes, and verb tenses.  The amount of time or quantity of material to cover depends on the child’s ability to concentrate and level of enjoyment.  The range varies dramatically from child to child; it also depends on who is learning with the child.

If the parents are well versed in Hebrew grammar, they might enjoy exploring the weekly parsha in this manner, since this provides variety.  Otherwise, it might be better to review the previous school year’s material and have easier learning and more in-depth coverage.  For example, parents may enrich the learning by taking the time to delve more deeply in a Rashi than is feasible in a classroom setting.  Parents may look for other motivating opportunities such as seforim that deal with topics that are more relevant or interesting to the child.  The learning may be more enjoyable for younger children if there is an attractive, illustrated sefer to learn from.

Mishnayos are nice for boys who are looking for enrichment.  While boys begin mishnayos in third grade at YBH, they may enjoy starting earlier during the summer.  Parents should check that they do not study a masechta that is covered in school.

Older Children

There is a danger of older children finding unwholesome entertainments when left to their own devices.  Thus, it is essential for parents to help their pre-teens find a structured way to occupy their time; i.e. camp or work.  Mowing lawns, helping mothers, volunteering, and assisting at camp are a few options.  Ideally, the child’s activity should lead to a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment at the end of the summer.

During the summer, it is even more important to limit/filter/monitor children’s access to the computer, the internet, cell phones, and iPods.  Parents need to make it clear to their children that they are interested in knowing what they are doing and where they are spending their free time.  Parents need to maintain open lines of communication in order to stay informed and involved with their children as they grow older.

Boys

Gemara learning is an essential part of an older boy’s day for hashkafa reasons and for maintaining academic skills.  During the summer, the main objective of gemara learning should be to help the boy develop confidence, comfort, and an enjoyment of the learning.  Tutors or chavrusas should try to acclimate the boy to the style and structure of the gemara and teach him to “put himself” into a sugya.

Ideally, the learning should take place at the start of the day, in sessions lasting from 45 minutes or more, depending on the boy’s age and ability to concentrate.  If the father is not available, an older friend, relative, or a yeshiva bochur may be recruited as chavrusas.  It is also good for a boy to finish the day with a night seder if possible; halacha or some other lighter learning may work best.

Older boys (closer to Bar Mitzvah) should also be expected to attend at least shachris with a minyan.  It is best for the parents to help their son build good habits of minyan attendance by encouraging him to get up in time at least for an 8:30 minyan.  If this practice is not well engrained by the end of elementary school, the boy will probably have trouble attending morning minyan on time in high school.

When setting expectations, parents must keep in mind their son’s emotional and academic level.  When in doubt, it is wise to consult with the boy’s rebbe, principal and/or the family Rav.

Girls

As girls are neither obligated to attend minyan or to learn Talmud, girls who are not campers or counselors may easily glide through a summer without any spiritual content.  Parents may prevent this by encouraging their daughter to daven daily and to attend shul on Shabbos.  Older girls may also attend shiurim or form their own Pirkei Avos group.  In these groups, girls say the perek together, play a game, and socialize.  Using an English language version of the text promotes discussion, and having a leader, perhaps a high school girl, further enriches the experience.

If the girl is not in any structured program over the summer, parents may try to encourage their daughter to learn from seforim that will provide chizuk and inspiration.  A joint trip to the Judaica shop or a local Jewish library is a good way to obtain the right sefer.  One option is for the parent to learn the sefer one-on-one with their daughter.  Another is to learn the sefer collectively at a Shabbos meal.  If the girl is behind in her academic level, it is important to help her catch up so that she may be more productive the following year.  When girls cannot keep up with their class, their attitude towards mitzvah observance may be affected.

It is important for the parents to hold their daughters during the summer to the same standards of dress, mitzvah observance, and activities that the school mandates during the academic year.  This includes daily tefilla.  Girls should also try to maintain or to initiate a chessed commitment, such as being a mother’s helper, tutoring a younger child, or volunteering with a special needs child.

Hiring a Chavrusa or Tutor

If parents lack the time or background to work with their children or if learning with their children is detrimental for their relationship, parents may consider hiring a chavrusa or a tutor.  In addition, children who are academically weak or unmotivated are likely to need extra help.  Ideally, tutoring should be done one-on-one by a morah or a rebbe used to working with children in that age group.  Another option is to form a group and collectively hire a Rebbe, Morah, or a Yeshiva bochur to learn with a few children at a time.

General Studies

The Importance of Reading

Reading skills are essential for a child’s ability to function.  In addition, books are a wonderful companion for life.  The summer time is a good opportunity for beginning readers to learn to read for pleasure.  Parents may facilitate this by finding books for their children which are at or below the child’s reading level.  Sometimes, a child who is below his/her age level in reading may be encouraged to read to a younger sibling. In general, making plenty of books available is beneficial for promoting reading.

Another way to stimulate an enjoyment of reading is for parents to read with their children.  Aside from building better reading skills, reading with a child promotes bonding.  Ideally, parents should set aside time without interruptions from cell phones, etc.  They may alternate reading pages to each other or the child may read to the parent.  At natural breakpoints, the parent may interrupt with comments or questions, such as, “I didn’t expect that to happen, did you?”  or “I wonder what is going to happen next; what do you think?”  When asking questions which stimulate critical reading, parents should avoid trying to sound like a teacher since this may diminish the child’s enjoyment.

Math

A pleasant way to maintain math skills is to provide children with grade appropriate math activity books.  Math oriented games and puzzles that are related to the previous year’s curriculum help children retain skills.  It is also helpful to integrate math problems into day-to-day life through price comparisons while shopping, doubling recipes, dividing goodies, etc.

However, if a child is behind in basic math skills, such as addition or multiplication, parents must make sure he/she works systematically on building these skills over the summer.  Without these building blocks, children will not be able to learn fractions, decimals, and percentages.  Parents who are concerned may wish to consult the teacher and/or the principal to determine whether their child needs to work seriously on their math during the summer.

Conclusion

The summer is an opportunity for parents to help their child progress spiritually without the pressures of school.  Parents and children may jointly set goals for mitzvah observance and learning.  Older boys may be motivated to learn extra by the prospect of making a siyum on a masechta of mishnayos or a perek of gemara over the summer.  What is accomplished outside the school environment is possibly more genuine than what occurs through peer pressure or disciplinary measures in school.  Additionally, quality is more important than quantity.  What is accomplished over the summer time may make a lasting difference for the child!

 

Your Son’s Bar Mitzva

 

Helping Your Son Grow Through His Bar Mitzva 

The Bar Mitzva celebration with the planning and preparations leading to it are wonderful opportunities to help a boy grow spiritually and develop maturity.  In this article, derived from interviews with parents and local mechanchim, we provide tips to help parents plan the Bar Mitzva celebration best suited for their son’s development.

Expectations of a Bar Mitzva Boy

In our community, boys are typically expected to lein at least some of the parsha and/or haftora, speak (say over a pshetl), and/or make a siyum at their Bar Mitzva.  Some boys also lead the davening in shul.  While these tasks require extensive advance preparation, the amount of effort and the time required depends on the scope of the task.  A year or two before their son’s birthday, parents should begin thinking about how much to expect from him.  It may be helpful for parents to consult with their son’s Rebbe, principal, or the family Rav to get a better idea of what is feasible for him (and them).

The Leining

Reading an entire parsha correctly from a Sefer Torah requires motivation, although musical ability and memorization skills (for the trop) are helpful.  It is an accomplishment that is within the reach of many boys, although some find it easier than others.  The Bar Mitzva is a wonderful opportunity for a boy to learn an important skill and experience the thrill of reading the Torah at his shul.  The parsha that he leins at his Bar Mitzva often is remembered for life.  Moreover, every minyan needs a baal koreh; it is a public spirited act to learn to lein and if he does not acquire it at Bar Mitzva, the boy is less likely to learn the skill later in life (although some learn to lein for their aufruf).

Mechanchim and leining Rebbes sometimes discourage boys (and their parents) from undertaking the leining of a full parsha.  If the boy appears to “have what it takes,” they might set learning the entire parsha as an initial, tentative goal.  It is becoming more common for the boy to lein either the beginning of the parsha or just the maftir.  Many boys lein the haftorah, too, which is easier, when it is read from a sefer containing the cantillation marks (trop).

If the boy is not motivated, parents should consider seriously before pressuring him into leining as there is no obligation to lein at the Bar Mitzvah.  However, if possible, the boy should be encouraged to be work on something else, such as making a siyum and/or leading the davening.

The Speech/Pshetl

It is an old tradition that the Bar Mitzva boy delivers a learned speech (pshetl) at some point during the celebration.  The speech, often composed by a Rebbe, the father, or a learned relative/friend, is traditionally difficult for the average listener in the audience to understand.   The idea behind the pshetel is to show that the boy is capable of understanding and explaining complicated Torah concepts—that he is truly a budding ben Torah.

The pshetl works best for the boy when he is involved in composing it and when it is explained to him, step by step, until he truly masters it.  Ideally, the process of learning the pshetl stimulates the boy’s intellect, showing him what “real” learning is about.  The boy becomes the proud owner of a complex and beautiful piece of Torah.  When there is a relevant message for the boy, e.g. a concept that he now understands thoroughly or a lesson in the importance of a mitzvah that he performs, the pshetl takes on more value.

Another approach to the pshetl is to craft a more accessible, inspirational speech that will be understood and enjoyed by more of the audience, perhaps followed or preceded by a “lomdishe” part.

The Siyum

Making a siyum at the Bar Mitzva is a more recent practice.  This is a nice way to spiritualize the celebration, to encourage a boy to spend more time learning, and for the boy to acquire the self confidence that comes from achievement.  Siyumim are usually made on one or more sidrei mishna or on a masechta in gemara.  It is important that the parents and their son select a realistic goal and begin early, at least three years ahead if the goal is to complete all shas mishnayos.  It may convey an unwholesome message to a boy if the learning is done in a rushed, superficial manner. In addition, the family does not need the additional pressure of completing the learning in the weeks before the Bar Mitzva.

A few weeks before the siyum, it is a good idea for the boy to practice the hadran (siyum text) so he is able to read the long and complex text fluently.

Alternatives

A boy who is not going to lein or to make a siyum might lead the davening in shul.  Another option is to provide the boy a chessed project, such as raising money for the tzeddoka cause of his choosing during the year before his Bar Mitzva.  This gives him a sense of accomplishment and of “earning” his right to the celebration and to entering a mitzvah-filled adulthood.

Stretch vs. Stress

There is a fine line between parental encouragement and parental pressure. The Bar Mitzva is an opportunity for parents to help their son grow by presenting him with a challenge.  The knowledge that he will perform in public and the desire to live up to the standards of his community are strong motivators to push a boy into achieving more than he would have deemed possible.  Accomplishments achieved through solid effort build a self confidence that will help a boy through the transition into mesivta and adulthood.

On the other hand, the seventh grade year, when many boys turn thirteen, is pivotal for his future.  This is when boys build the gemara skills they will need early in eighth grade for the farhers (oral exams) to qualify for admission to the mesivta of their choice.  Much of the boy’s free time is already used attending their friends’ Bar Mitzva celebrations. If preparing for his Bar Mitzva depletes the time and energy that the boy needs to keep up with his class, it is better to choose easier options or skip some tasks entirely.

Another factor to consider is how well their son is likely to handle the pressure of executing the Bar Mitzva tasks.  Even if the boy is intellectually capable, if he has trouble staying on task or giving up free time, this may not be the right battle to pick.  A solid child/parent relationship is crucial for the healthy development of an adolescent.  Nagging a reluctant son to work on his leining/pshetl/siyum might damage this relationship.

It is important that parents focus on what is best for their child rather than trying to keep up with standards set by other boys.  Their son’s long term prospects (admission to a quality mesivta and maintaining good relations with his parents) are more important than the nachas he or they may derive from a beautiful Bar Mitzva performance.

The Importance of Flexibility and Communication

Occasionally, the boy or his parents realize during the preparation process that the siyum or leining goals that they set were unrealistic.  It is better for the boy and his parent(s) to openly discuss and revisit the goals rather than giving up in an emotional outburst or continuing under increasing acrimony.  Communication must be encouraged.

The Bar Mitzva Rebbe

Parents usually hire a leining Rebbe to teach their son how to lein.  It makes a big difference for the outcome and for the experience when the boy and his leining teacher are a good fit.  Therefore, when networking with parents and/or Rebbeim, parents should ascertain that the leining Rebbe has had good experiences with boys with similar temperament to their son’s.

While for some boys a strict professional approach is best; for others, warmth and caring are the most important factors.  Parents should chat with the instructor before signing him on to make sure that they themselves feel comfortable with him. Once they have selected the right leining Rebbe, parents should be ready to heed his advice about how much of the parsha their boy is up to learning. Nonetheless, if their son feels that the relationship is not working well or that the goals need to be revisited, the parent should discuss these issues with the Rebbe.

Sessions with the leining teacher may be augmented by having the boy listen to a recording of the parsha/haftora on his own time, i.e. walking to and from school or on car trips.

Shul Environment

Many shuls have standards for how the Torah should be read.  These shuls have a contact person, the Rav or the baal koreh, who tests the Bar Mitzva boy before he is permitted to lein.  It is best when the leining instructor stays in touch with this contact person.

It is easier for a beginner leiner when men in shul designate one or two listeners to correct the reading, rather than having numerous men “pounce” on the boy for every mistake.

Planning the Event

Bar Mitzva celebrations usually include a community kiddush on the Shabbos the boy leins or gets his aliya.  Other elements may include catered meals for the extended family and out-of-town guests attending that Shabbos and a seuda (meal) on or around the day the boy turns thirteen.  This seuda may vary from a meal at the boy’s home to a lavish catered affair.

Whose Bar Mitzva is it?

It is usually healthier when the parents determine the general framework and scale of the celebration, after obtaining their son’s input.  Parents find it easier to confer if they do not include their son at their first meeting with the caterer.  There are many factors to consider, including the boy’s preferences, family budget, extended family, and parents’ hashkafa.  However, involving the child in making some of the decisions helps him feel ownership of the Bar Mitzva.

The celebration should be kept manageable for the parents, physically, emotionally, and financially.  It is easier for everyone to enjoy the simcha when parents avoid getting upset over details (the flowers, the dresses, etc.); relaxed parents mean less tension all around.

Deciding on the Scale of the Event

Most boys are happy with any celebration, as long as it is roughly in line with their classmates’ celebrations.  The main attraction for boys seems to be the food and the dancing, although there are boys who care about the details of décor.  If the boy does not enjoy dancing, inviting the class to come over for a Shabbos meal is an alternative.

Parents sometimes cannot afford a celebration on the scale of their son’s classmates’ Bar Mitzvas.  In this situation, communication between the parents and the son is very important.  Perhaps, they can discuss and investigate alternatives together.

There are a few reasons why parents might wish to keep the celebration as simple and inexpensive as possible:

  • The family’s first Bar Mitzva is a financial commitment to the rest of the siblings, since they will expect their own Bar Mitzvas or chasunas to be on a commensurate scale.
  • Attending a celebration more lavish than they can afford may arouse envy and resentment in the family’s social circle.  It also raises the standard and increases expectations in the classmates, causing anguish for struggling families.
  • An upscale affair may outshine the Bar Mitzva boy and his simcha, diminishing the meaningfulness and spirituality of the celebration.

Handling Diversity

When the boy’s family is from a background different from his community, parents need to design a celebration that will both fit their community and make their relatives and out-of-town guests feel welcome.  The Bar Mitzva party is a special opportunity for a beautiful kiddush Hashem, as long as everyone is prepared in advance.  Some tips:

  • Ask the Rebbe if the boy’s classmates need to be reminded about decorum.
  • Prepare secular guests in advance by letting them know, in a light and friendly manner, what to expect, including what others will be wearing, if women will dance, etc.  Make sure that they realize that you are excited to have them come.
  • Have the speakers prepare for a diverse audience and translate.  The boy’s pshetl may include an accessible message about hakoras hatov to his family and relatives.
  • Ask friends to greet guests who look out-of-place with a warm mazal tov and to chat with them about the boy or his family.  Friends may also pull these guests into the dancing and help them feel part of the celebration.

One family began their catered affair with a reception just for family, tailored to meet the expectations of guests with a less observant background.  The relatives then stayed for the standard Bar Mitzva seuda that followed for community members and classmates.

Another approach is to stage a catered affair for friends and relatives and a simple breakfast or supper just for the boy’s classmates.  The boys are often very happy with their meal, bagels and cream cheese (even lox may be too fancy) or frankfurters with fries, followed by music and dancing.  The boy may deliver his pshetl without having to translate, and the class Rebbe may speak to the boys at their own level, making the seuda much more meaningful.  (Yeshiva M’kor Boruch has a breakfast Bar Mitzva option. Contact Rabbi Bogart, assistant principal for junior high school, for more details.)

Learning Consideration for Others

The Bar Mitzva is a tremendous learning experience in many dimensions.  Boys acquire time management and scheduling skills as they prepare for their leining/pshetl/siyum.  Planning the affair, which often includes tradeoffs between the boy’s preferences and the convenience of others, teaches the boy to see and consider other points of view.  When a boy sees that his decisions affect others, he may learn sensitivity.  Ending the seuda by 10:00PM strengthens the idea that the next day’s Torah learning is an important value.

With some help from their Rebbe and parents, boys also learn to share in the simcha of their classmates, to be non-judgmental audiences, and to be kind to those who are less socially gifted.  The onerous thank-you note task hopefully inculcates hakoras hatov even for gifts that are not yet appreciated.

Tips for Helping Your Son Succeed in Gemara

The study of gemara (Talmudic studies) has been the bedrock of the boys’ Yeshiva curriculum for centuries, since by analyzing the mishnayos, it leads to a clearer and deeper understanding of Torah.   Boys are introduced to gemara, usually in fifth grade, and gemara becomes their main limudei kodesh study through junior high school, mesivta, and bais medrash.  The self-esteem of many yeshiva boys and their attachment to Yiddishkeit depends heavily on their proficiency in gemara.  Moreover, boys with better gemara skills have more mesivta and bais medrash options available.

The Gemara Challenge

The transition to gemara is welcomed by most boys because of the prestige of learning what the grown men are learning.  Gemara, when well taught, is stimulating, interactive, and creative.  For boys who have good logic skills but poor ability with text, gemara is their first opportunity to “shine” in school as they contribute to class discussions.

However, gemara is more challenging than the chumash and mishnayos that the boys were learning previously.  The language is Aramaic, the text has no punctuation (no vowels, commas, periods, question marks, etc.) and the logic is complex.  Boys who were successful in chumash through rote learning now have to develop reasoning skills.  Generally, boys who had trouble keeping up with earlier subjects have a much harder time now, especially once the class progresses to the more complicated sugyos (topics).

In order to help their sons learn well, parents need to be aware of their sons’ strengths and weaknesses in academics and motivation.  A student’s proficiency in gemara depends more on his level of motivation than on his intellect.  In this article, compiled through interviews with experienced mechanchim and reviewed by prominent mechanchim in our community, we provide tips for parents to help their sons learn to enjoy and find fulfillment in their study of the Talmud.

How Parents Can Help – Before Gemara Begins

Creating the Right Home Environment

More than other subjects, boys need a tranquil environment in order to achieve in gemara.  Aside from sholom bayis, this includes good relations among the siblings and between the father and his son.  During the early school years, the father should build a mutually satisfying learning/chazara (review) relationship with his son.  It is helpful when parents have realistic expectations about their children.  If the father and/or the uncles had trouble focusing in school, the son may experience similar difficulties.  Additionally, the parents should be honest with themselves: if the father cannot review chumash with his child without acrimony, he will not be able to chazer gemara productively with him.

Parents should also try to foster in their son a sense of self-confidence in his learning by recognizing and praising his achievements.  This will make it easier for the boy to “stretch” to grasp complex sugyos (gemara topics) later on.

Monitoring the Academic Situation

It is the parents’ responsibility to make sure that their son is up to par in his limudei kodesh academics.  Are the boy’s reading and translating skills within the normal range?  Parents might wish to test their child’s reading skills after second grade by having him read to them an unfamiliar perek of Tehillim.  Reading problems are easily overlooked, but they are liable to devastate a child’s academic and emotional future.

Learning disabilities and academic weaknesses should be dealt with as early as possible before the child becomes overwhelmed.  Problems that exist in the earlier, pre-gemara grades usually become exacerbated when the academic material turns harder.  Is the boy behaving appropriately during class?  In general, if the Yeshiva staff is concerned about a boy, parents should be concerned, too.

Building Motivation

While it is hard to “create” a motivated son who is driven to succeed in gemara, parents may influence their children by showing that learning and achieving in Torah is their primary value.  This may be conveyed by sharing divrei Torah enthusiastically, celebrating siyumim and other milestones in learning (beginning of chumash, mishnayos, etc.), and praising children for success in learning.  Seeing their father study Talmud regularly is helpful, too.  It is also a good idea to refrain from pulling boys out of yeshiva freely, for vacations and other discretionary reasons—children can sense the importance parents place on their learning in Yeshiva.

Parents should also try to avoid distracting their children with contradictory messages by putting less stress on hobbies and other interests.  Minimizing (or eliminating) media exposure, movies, games, and internet, is also helpful.  Children who spend extensive time playing or watching electronic media find it harder to focus on academics and become habituated to instant gratification rather than accustomed to working patiently to acquire skills.  On the other hand, children need wholesome ways to relax and to exercise in order to function well in and out of yeshiva.

Preparing for Gemara

Fathers may prepare their sons for gemara by studying with them the gemara-style rashi (Bo, Mishpatim, Vayikra) or by learning mishnayos in more depth.  This may be valuable for boys who have trouble reasoning—practice helps build up the necessary skills.

Fathers should also make sure that their own gemara skills are up to par.  This may entail reviewing/relearning the material that is covered in their son’s yeshiva.  If the father did not attend a standard yeshiva, he should try to find a shiur that covers the topic or find an experienced chavrusa to help him prepare.  The Yeshiva may be able to point out such shiurim for fathers.  (In Passaic, Yeshiva PTI provides such shiurim.)  Learning the sugyos solely from a translated gemara does not convey the yeshivish pronunciation or the flavor of classroom environment.  Fathers may need to sacrifice their own learning schedule and preferred topics in order to prepare for their sons’ gemara learning. 

Chazara – the Learning in the Home

Parents have the most impact on their son’s gemara learning through the chazara process.  In a standard yeshiva, the Rebbe spends most of his classroom time explaining the shakla v’tarya (the reasoning) of the gemara thoroughly, spending less time actually reading the gemara inside. This helps keep a class of lively preteens stimulated and interested as they explore the exciting give and take of the sugya.  The Rebbe relies on the chazara at home every night for the more hum drum skills-building work in kriya (reading text) since this really requires one on one attention.

The top boys in the class are usually able to catch both the logic and the text from paying close attention in class.  Their chazara needs may be met by reviewing with each other, although they might gain a richer understanding by review with a qualified adult.  Most boys need a serious review session in order to fully absorb the material and to learn how to read gemara inside.  Chazara is typically done with the father, although many parents pay to have their sons learn with a Yeshiva bochur or with a boy in an older grade.

Tips for More Effective Chazara

Prepare Properly – The reviewer needs to know the material thoroughly.

Don’t Rush – Allocate sufficient time so that the material may be covered without time pressure.  Calm, patience, and emotional support are crucial for teaching gemara.  The reviewer should avoid interruptions; fathers should try to have chazara time be one-on-one togetherness time.

Incentives Work—When parents offer incentives to a less motivated child, they avoid wasting time and energy motivating him to learn.  Impulsive boys relate better to instant rewards like candy.

Don’t Judge – Fathers should pretend that they are being paid to tutor their son.  When a boy does not know the material, the tutor’s job is to explain it, rather than to blame the boy for not learning it in class.  (If the boy consistently fails to learn the material in class, the parent should contact the Rebbe to find the cause of the problem).

Shakla V’Taria First – It is usually beneficial to have the boy review the oral component of the lesson outside the gemara, peeking in the gemara as needed.  The reviewer should prompt the boy to explain the mishna’s teaching, the gemara’s question, the answer, the proof, and the argument.

Reading Inside – Once it is clear that the boy understands the gemara’s logic, it is time to open the gemara and read the text.  The boy should be prompted to read with expression in order to supply through his intonations the missing punctuation (question, answer).

Allow the Boy to Discover—Chazara is more rewarding if the boy is given time to find things out for himself, whether it’s a question or answer in the gemara’s debate or the meaning of a word in the text.  Part of the chazara agenda is to build the boy’s self confidence in his ability to learn even if he is does not perform well in the classroom.  Therefore, the reviewer should look for opportunities to praise.

Give Priority to Kriya –  If there is not enough time to complete both aspects of the chazara, priority should be given to reading text inside, because this is the skills-building part.  If the boy fails to grasp the gemara’s logic, he is missing out only on that lesson; if he does not learn how to read the gemara, he will suffer in the next grade.

Be Proactive–If the reviewer sees that the boy has a problem, he should approach the Rebbe, rather than expecting the Rebbe to call first or to detect and deal with the problem on his own.  For example, the boy might not know his lessons because he is frequently tired in class.  This is a problem that the parents need to be involved with.

Mothers and Chazara

Given the importance of the skill building aspect of chazara, the mother should step in as reviewer if there is no alternative, since review on one’s own is nearly useless.  Mother may look inside a translated gemara with punctuation to check that her son is reading correctly (women may consult their own Rav if they are uncomfortable with this psak).  Aside from forcing the boy to actually review, this also conveys to her son the importance of gemara and chazara.

If the Boy is Having Difficulty

It is extremely important for parents to be aware when their son is having trouble grasping the material and to be ready to intervene.  Once a boy experiences consistent failure, it is very hard to motivate him to keep trying.  This sense of failure may poison other aspects of the boy’s life.  Therefore, interventions should be started as soon as problems are detected, after consulting with the Rebbe and/or the Menahel.

Making the Material More Manageable

Use a Gemara with Punctuation—This study aid makes a big difference for boys who have trouble reading text.  Practicing with the nekudos habituates the boy to the Aramaic pronunciation system so that he will learn it more easily.  Once he adjusts to Aramaic, he will not need this support..

Reduce the Assignment— Success motivates: review less material to ensure that the boy masters a subset of the lesson.  Ask the Rebbe if the boy might be tested on only the mishna and a few lines of the gemara that follows.

Enrich the Chazara—Techniques for the reviewer to adopt include: creating word lists, punctuating photo-copied gemara, using physical props (blocks, toy animals, cash), making the case into a story, and updating the sugya to contemporary situations (e.g. ox=car).

Pre-teach the Material—Some boys benefit from being familiar with the material before they encounter it in class.  This allows them to participate in class discussions and builds self-confidence.   Pre-teaching becomes a problem if the boy thinks he knows the material and therefore fails to pay attention in class; parents should warn the Rebbe in advance.  To avoid this, it is best to pre-teach to the boy’s specific weaknesses, e.g. basic logic concepts or vocabulary.  Pre-teaching in the summer should only be done for boys who are motivated; the unmotivated are burnt out by the end of the academic year and need to relax.

Hire a Professional—Discussed in more detail below.

Switch Yeshivas—Sometimes, the boy’s best chance to succeed is to attend a Yeshiva (junior high or high school) better suited for his needs: i.e., a smaller Yeshiva or a Yeshiva that specializes in teaching boys with learning disabilities. Rebbeim with special needs education know how to use a variety of techniques to help boys grasp gemara content.  For example, a Rebbe might create a “road-map” of the sugya, diagramming and color coding the give and take of a complicated machlokes (debate).  A Rebbe in a standard classroom does not have time to break down and transcribe each piece of gemara.

Hiring a Professional Tutor

Tutoring, typically done by Rebbeim, is expensive–$30 – $50 per half hour session.  Usually, parents begin by paying for two half hour sessions per week at their home or at a Bais Medrash; they may need to increase to three or four times per week.  The Menahel of their son’s yeshiva is a good source of recommendations, as are parents with sons with similar challenges.  The tutor must be matched in skills and temperament to the boy’s needs: some boys need a strict disciplinarian, others, a softer tone.  A good tutor is able to detect and address the source of the boy’s difficulties; he also knows motivation techniques and how/when to push or to hold off with a weak student.

Tutors are far more effective when they regularly speak with the Rebbe.  In addition, it is the parent’s job to check with the Rebbe that their son is truly benefiting from the tutoring.  While deep seated problems cannot be fixed quickly, some slight signs of progress should appear within a few weeks: improvement in motivations, skills, or behavior. If there is no improvement, parents should consider trying another tutor, since success in tutoring depends on the quality of the “shidduch” between the parties.

If Nothing is Working

Sometimes, despite the best efforts of the parents and their son, the boy simply cannot grasp the gemara.  In such situations, it is best for the parents to give their son unconditional love, find him opportunities to succeed in other areas, and leave off the pressure to succeed in gemara.  The important thing is to try to maintain the boy’s morale so that he may try again in a different environment when he grows older.  There are many mesivtas and bais medrash programs that cater to good boys who have trouble with gemara.

Conclusion

Some boys take to gemara like a duck to water; most need some support and incentives from their parents.  There are boys who will only find enjoyment in gemara after years of effort.  It is the challenge of the parents to appreciate each of their sons, while guiding them to achieving their potential in Talmud Torah.

Navigating Carpool

 

Carpool is a fact of life for parents of school age children in our community.  For some families, carpools cement friendships and provide important support.  For others, car pools are yet another source of aggravation.  We thought it would be helpful to provide tips from seasoned parents and from school personnel to help make car pool a positive force in a family’s life.

Follow Your own Family’s Style

Car pooling is not for everyone, and there is no obligation to participate in one.  Joining a car pool precludes walking with one’s children or spending quality time with them.  For children with social challenges, car pool may be too difficult to manage on top of  the other challenges of school.  Some families find that morning car pool is too much of a hassle and opt to do the drive themselves.

 

Factors to Consider in Setting Up a Carpool

Finding a carpool usually means networking: informing neighbors, friends, and the parents of one’s children’s classmates that one is looking for partners.  The factors listed below may be helpful to raise awareness of where conflicts may occur.

Geography

This is probably the most important factor in car pooling.  Pickup and drop off are immensely easier when children are within very close walking distance.  For example, when the car poolers are neighbors, a child may stay at the driver’s house until his/her parent returns from another carpool.  When neighbors are not available for car pooling, one should take into account traffic patterns.  Some streets are much more difficult to cross between 8:30 and 9:00 am than others.  This may add more stress to the weekday morning routine.

Size

Larger carpools are more efficient, enabling participants to make fewer drives.  However, they are more complicated, since there are more variables.  Moreover, some drivers might find it challenging to cope with a mini-van or fifteen seater full of lively children.  Shy, small, or timid children may feel safer in a smaller car with fewer children.

Attitudes and Standards

Carpools are more harmonious when all members share the same safety standards.  Parents avoid grief if they know in advance that everyone feels the same about seat belts, booster seats, under 12’s in the front seat, and driving style.  (Note: The authors are NOT condoning illegal driving practices)  In the area of promptness, too, people have different standards.  Some parents consider it crucial to be on time; others are more relaxed by nature and will resent being “bullied” into promptitude.

The underlying attitude towards carpool and child rearing also matters.  For some parents, the parents’ convenience comes first and the children have to adapt.  For example, such parents have the children meet them a block away from school, so as to avoid the time consuming carpool line.  For other parents, the convenience and comfort of the children come first.  It is a good idea to know where potential car pool partners stand on this spectrum and avoid surprises.

The afternoon driver may find it convenient to arrive late, toward the end of the car pool time, when the lines are much shorter.  It is appropriate to discuss this first with the other car pool members, since the other parents may resent their children being brought home late in order to suit the driver’s convenience.

Managing the Relationships

It is best, for the long term stability of the carpool, to maintain an attitude of flexibility about doing favors and reciprocating favors.  Carpool members will need time off because of births, illness, work situations, and the like.  A strict tit-for-tat attitude may lead to ill feeling.  On the other hand, car pools may fall apart if members feel “used”.

Promptness is often a sore point in car pool relationships.  Parents and children resent it when the children are regularly late for school.  For younger children, arriving late can disrupt the rest of their day.  Older boys miss the beginning of Minyan.  Having to stop at the office to get a late pass may be embarrassing.

Lateness is also resented at dismissal.  Children are tired and want to go home.  Teachers or principals who take care of dismissal do not appreciate having to wait for late comers.  If something unusual comes up, it is considerate to either have a friend do the carpool or contact the school so that they know you will be delayed.

Car pool members should be informed about health issues of the children they will drive, since they may manifest themselves, especially during the dismissal run after the long school day.  This includes allergies, diabetes, and behavior challenges.

It may be helpful if drivers spend some time in the back of their vehicle to experience its condition for themselves.  Garbage, smells, poor climate control: these all may affect the behavior of the children who sit there during car pool.

Misbehavior

When children misbehave in the car, it is best for the driver to try to handle this him/herself through humor or redirection.  If the behavior continues to deteriorate, it may be appropriate to speak to the parents of the offender(s).  When parents learn only at the end of the year about their offspring’s misbehavior, they resent the delay.  Their child has been deprived of the benefit of having his/her parents help him/her learn to behave.  Moreover, the information might be needed to fill in a picture about the child’s emotional challenges.

At the School 

At every school, car pool involves a line of cars waiting to get close to the building to drop off or to collect the kids.  There are usually one or more monitors, whose role is to direct traffic, identify which children are to be picked up, make sure the children leave the car safely, and enforce rules.  It is crucial for the smooth operating of the carpool process that everyone follow the rules and obey the directions of the monitors.  View car pool as a gigantic machine in which every driver and every child is a cog.  When all the cogs function appropriately, the machine operates safely, effectively, and quickly.  When drivers maneuver for their own advantage, they “gum up the works,” and possibly compromise the safety of the children.

Some Rules for the Carpool Lane

  • Don’t drive distracted; don’t talk on the cell phone.  There is usually a turn on the car pool line.  When drivers are distracted, they zig zag or maneuver the wrong way.  This may inconvenience other drivers and even present safety hazards.  Drivers need to be alert for the unexpected.  While most cars load from the side door, there are station wagons which load from the back.  The driver of the car behind such a vehicle needs to be aware that children will enter or exit the vehicle between their two cars.
  • Pay attention.  Drivers engrossed in their schmoozing or in their Tehillim are more likely to not realize when their car is full or that someone is missing.  This leads to unnecessary delays.
  • Don’t call out to children.  Part of the task of car pool monitor is to make sure that kids do not wander off on their own into the traffic lane.  When parents call out to their children, the children are likely to get confused and run into traffic.
  • Avoid unnecessary maneuvers near the car pool lanes, such as K turns.  Backing up may also complicate matters.  Drive slowly while approaching the school, 15MPH maximum.  Obey the traffic directors.
  • Discharge/pickup children only when the car is in the designated lane.  Children should enter the car only from the passenger side next to the sidewalk.  When children enter/exit the car on the driver side, they are exposed to traffic from cars in the “driving” lane.  It is also dangerous for children to return to the car (to get something) once they have exited, since the car may have moved by then and reentering may involve crossing into traffic.
  • Inform the alternate driver.  On holidays, schedules change and the other spouse, typically the husband, may pick up the children from school.  This may lead to chaos as this driver does not know whom to pick up.
  • If possible, avoid bringing the 15-seater van to carpool.  It is clumsy to maneuver and takes up extra parking space.  Backing up these vehicles can be dangerous.

 

Tips for Smooth Carpooling

If a parent needs to pull a child out of school early, he/she should inform the afternoon carpool.  A message left with the office may not reach the carpool monitors until the carpool has been waiting fifteen minutes.

Schedule car pool on a day when there is help in the house.  This way, young children do not need to be taken along and there is someone home when another child’s car pool arrives.  In addition, parents who might be late to meet their child may have that child dropped off last.

Bring the children’s favorite music or story recording along.  Make sure that the recording is appropriate for all car pool members; families have different standards.  (Drivers who listen to the radio may wish to consult with the other parents about their listening policies.)  Some drivers hand out snacks to encourage the children to behave.  This should be discussed in advance with the other parents, since they will be under pressure to do the same.  While some parents might prefer to avoid having their children snack during carpool, this may be the only way to handle the situation if there is a particularly challenging child in the car pool.

Avoid extra stops on the way back from school.  Some children need very badly to return home as soon as possible, for a variety of reasons, i.e. a doctor’s appointment.  If an extra stop is needed, it is considerate to clear it first with the other parents.

Seating arrangements may cause tension.  Certain seats, such as the ones next to the window or closer to the front may be considered more desirable.  Some children may prefer to not to sit next to each other or next to a baby.  One solution is to create a written rotation system to determine who sits where and when.  It may lead to more of a feeling of fairness if all families in the car pool adopt a similar rotation system.

If the car pool pickup involves the children meeting the car away the school (assuming that the school permits this arrangement), contingency plans are needed in case of rain, snow, or ice on the ground.  Everyone also needs to agree on the definition of rain—is it a flooding downpour, a heavy drizzle, or something in between.  Otherwise, some children will wait at the school to be picked up and others will walk to the rendezvous spot.

Instituting a fixed waiting time for pickup may reduce tension and lateness.  Before the school year begins, car pool members may determine that each driver will wait a pre-specified number of minutes before driving off without the child.  By instituting such a rule before the school year begins, car pool members avoid making late children feel singled out.

Car pools for older children may be treated more like a bus service.  If the members live near each other, the children may be instructed to be at the driver’s house by a specific time.  If the child is late, the child has “missed the bus” and is responsible for finding an alternative method to school.

Avoid getting ticketed.  Police often cruise around at carpool time watching for violators.  Tickets are typically issued for traffic violations (stop signs, speeding, signaling), cell phone usage, and car seat/seat belt infractions.  Apart from making them late for school, having their car pulled over by the police may be a nasty experience for the children, and this may upset their whole day.

To Tell the Children

The driver of the car is the boss.  Children must understand that they have to conform to the driver’s safety standards even if they are stricter than those in their own family.  For example, many parents do not enforce car seat rules after pre-school, even though legally, booster seats are required until age 8.  Parents should reinforce the importance of obedience to the other car pool drivers in areas of behavior, too.

Pay attention to the carpool announcer.  It is frustrating for those already in the car and for the carpools awaiting their turn when a child doesn’t show up.  Designating a fellow car pooler to fetch an incurably absent-minded child may alleviate this problem.  The designee should know to return in a set time in case the absent-minded child appears on his/her own.

It is more pleasant for the driver when the children are taught to be courteous: to say thank you, have a good day, and so forth.  Children should ask whether or not they need to shut the door.  When children are used to a car that closes the doors automatically, they never acquire the habit of shutting the door.  This leads to the car pool driver having to get out of the car in order to close the door after the children have run off to school.

Car Pool Time as an Opportunity

Conveying one’s children to and from school is a daily challenge for parents.  It may be helpful to view this experience as a chinuch opportunity rather than merely as a necessity.  There are many rules involved in driving to and from school: traffic laws and school rules.  Children are aware of these rules.  They also notice how we comply.  We may inculcate derech eretz, consideration for others, cooperation, and respect for the law by demonstrating how we value these qualities by putting them into practice, day after day, throughout the school year.

Is Your Pre-schooler Ready for School?

We usually take it for granted that when our child finishes pre-school (kindergarten in the Yeshiva system, nursery in the public school setting) at around age five, s/he will continue to Pre1A.  However, this is not always the case as some children need to repeat the kindergarten year.

Holding Back: Pros and Cons

While interviewing local school staff and parents for this article, we were struck by the unanimity with which everyone recommended a child repeating preschool when there is a doubt about readiness for school the next year.  Educators acknowledged that some children may feel stigmatized, but with correct handling the outcome would be beneficial.

The preference for delaying a child’s promotion is based on observing the experiences of children who start school before they are ready.  A child with social delays is likely to suffer from bullying and/or social exclusion; academic delays mean constant struggles to keep pace with the curriculum.  This often leads to chronic frustration during the child’s formative years, along with a failure to benefit from his/her education.  By contrast, these educators have witnessed many cases where the same type of child matured during the repeated year and thrived in Pre1A.  These children often become class leaders, boosting their self-esteem, and leading to a desirable outcome.

Why Holding Back Has Become More Accepted Today

  • Accumulated Experience – Educators have seen the benefits of delaying children.
  • Increased Awareness of the Costs of Pushing Ahead – There are long-term consequences when a child’s school experience has been negative.
  • Higher Expectations at School – Children are starting “school” earlier than ever, with many attending playgroup at age two.  By age five, these children are used to a classroom-like setting and are ready to learn.
  • Increased Number of Children Repeating Preschool – As awareness of the benefits of repeating has risen, the stigma has decreased and more children repeat the year.  Thus, the age range and the average age of the typical Pre1A class have increased, further handicapping the less mature members of the class.

Which Children are Candidates for Repeating

Teachers may decide that a child is not ready for school if s/he displays the following in pre-school:

  • Social Delays – Lack of positive interactions with peers, tendency to get into fights, inappropriate responses to teachers (i.e., saying “no” when given directions).
  • Academic Delays – Trouble learning the letters, following the thread of narratives, answering questions.
  • Impulsiveness – Difficulty behaving in an age appropriate manner, tendency to hit.
  • Fine/Gross Motor Delays – Difficulty holding and using crayons, scissors, etc.  “Klutziness” in sports-related activities, like running and jumping.
  • Delay in Self Help Skills – Excessive dependence on teachers for bathroom, eating, etc.
  • Constant Desire to Play – Lack of interest, inability to sit and pay attention during circle time.  This may be a normal child who just isn’t “ready.”

These factors all indicate that a child will have trouble adjusting to “real” school.  When delays are compounded by the child’s late birthday, within two months of school’s cut-off date (often December 31), the school staff is likely to recommend that the child postpone entry into Pre1A.

For girls, social awkwardness is often considered the more serious problem than academic delays, since status in the classroom depends on one’s social skills (although academic proficiency is helpful, too).  For boys, the academic side is more important, since “learning” is emphasized so much in their curriculum.  Delays in physical coordination may make it impossible for a child to join in the recess games crucial for social success.  Behavior challenges are as serious a problem as academic delays.  With tutoring and/or resource room sessions, an otherwise well-adjusted child might be able to handle school, whereas a child who cannot behave appropriately may need constant disciplining and may experience social problems.

A child, who is academically gifted but lags socially, emotionally, or physically, is likely to benefit from the extra year in pre-school.  It will be the responsibility of the teachers and parents to find ways to enrich the curriculum in order keep him/her stimulated.  The repeat year is also beneficial for the child who is academically deficient.  The child might catch up during the extra year, or the maturity s/he gains might make it easier to cope or to excel in other areas.

Making a Decision

Ideally, pre-school staff should begin discussing the repeating preschool option in the middle of the year.  Unless it is a clear-cut immaturity issue (the child has a late birthday and/or is acting a little “young”), parents should have their child evaluated.  The evaluation process, provided free of charge by the Board of Education, may yield crucial information about the source of the child’s delays.  Early intervention in the form of speech, physical, or occupational therapies may be crucial for the child’s future success.

Parents may also intervene during the kindergarten year and the following summer to help their child.  Having a parent review the alphabet, colors, shapes, and other material learned in school may diminish academic delays.  Reading stories, discussing the parsha, and asking questions may help the child remember better and grasp concepts more easily.  Social delays may be mitigated through supervised play dates or through social skills classes for more severe deficits.  These types of interventions help the parent learn more about the child’s problems.  If they do not work, the parent knows that the deficits are deep-rooted or the child isn’t ready.

Sometimes, a child experiences a maturity spurt over the summer.  If the parents are convinced that their child has made sufficient progress, they may re-open the question of whether to repeat the year.

It is not always clear, even to the school staff, whether the child must repeat.  Parents may decide to make the adjustment to Pre1A easier on their child by postponing it a year.  In fact, parents with older sons in yeshiva are more likely to opt to have a boy repeat kindergarten.

Parents should be aware that when a child who was a candidate for repeating preschool moves directly into Pre1A, it is possible that s/he will have to repeat Pre1A or a higher grade.  Each year, the stigma increases—parents may be taking a high-stakes gamble when they reject the option to repeat preschool.

Handling the Repeated Year

Once parents have decided to repeat the child’s preschool year, they should foster friendships over the summer with classmates who will also repeat the year.  The school should ensure that children who are repeating the year are assigned a different teacher and classroom than the one that they had the previous year.  It is beneficial for the child’s self-esteem for the child to be a teacher’s helper at the onset, perhaps helping the teacher set up the classroom.

It is the responsibility of the parents to explain tactfully to their child why s/he is not entering Pre1A.  This task is smoothest when the child has a late birthday.  Parents may explain to the child that his/her birthday comes later than that of his/her classmates.  “First, you go to kindergarten with the younger children, then you go to the oldest class.”

If the child’s birthday is earlier in the year, parents may explain that many children “do kindergarten” twice.  Explaining this is much easier if parents all along avoided making references to the future: “When you are in Pre1a…” Parents should emphasize the positive: kindergarten is going to be lots of fun, you’ll enjoy it more the second time with the older children, you’ll be friends with…

The “repeater” may experience some discomfort during the first week of kindergarten as his/her former classmates go to Pre1A, but these feelings pass.  The most important factor in making the repeat successful is the parents’ attitude: if the parents are positive about the decision, the child will think positively about it.

Don’t “Just Repeat”

While that extra year in preschool may be all that some children need in order to excel for the rest of their academic career, other children need more.  The delays noted by the pre-school staff may be due to a variety of causes.  Parents might need to supplement the child’s schooling with speech, occupational, or physical therapy, social skills training, tutoring, and emotional support (i.e. tons of love).  Without this auxiliary support, the child who is left back may experience the stigma of being left back compounded by being at the bottom of the class.

Pre-emptive Strategy for Parents

The smoothest and least expensive way to have a child repeat a grade is to detect the delay as early as possible and have the child attend playgroup for an extra year.  Delays and potential problems are sometimes visible to the experienced eye by age three.  If a child has a late birthday or if a child is “difficult,” parents should think early about the repeated year option.

It is best to look for a playgroup with an experienced morah and to consult with her about how their child fits in with his/her peers.  While the morah may not be able to identify the source of the problem, she should be able to provide a valuable holistic appraisal.  If the morah is concerned, parents may ask a professional to observe and evaluate their child.  If they decide that another year of playgroup is warranted, the parents simply enroll the child in another playgroup the following year without the child realizing that s/he is being “held back.”

Reducing Stigmatization

It is appropriate for all parents of kindergarteners to tell their children that some of their classmates will be in kindergarten next year and others in Pre1A.  It does not matter where they are; each child is in the grade that is best for him/her.  When parents model acceptance of others and avoid judging or labeling, children are more tolerant rather than derogatory towards those who are different.  This creates a school atmosphere that is safer and emotionally healthier for everyone.

Conclusion

Successful parenting includes the willingness to see one’s child’s strengths and weaknesses clearly.  This allows parents to make decisions on the child’s behalf that may be painful in the short term.  Although repeating a year in pre-school does not always solve problems, parents are often able to improve their children’s prospects by giving “the gift of time.”

Bullying in School

We explore the phenomenon of bullying in school: how and why it happens, prevention, and what parents should do if their child is a victim or an aggressor.  For the purpose of this article, bullying is any behavior by a child that is deliberately meant to hurt another child, physically, socially, or psychologically.

Note: Bullying is likely to occur wherever children congregate unsupervised, including in shul, the neighborhood, and the playground.  This article features school-based bullying, but the tips are universal.

Bullying

A toddler deliberately throws sand into another child’s face.  Preschoolers call each other names.  Second grade boys refuse to allow a classmate to join their ball game.  A fourth grade girl invites girls to a sleepover on condition that they do not play with a certain classmate.  A sixth grade boy squirts juice on himself and tells his Rebbe that a specific classmate did it.  A boy in Mesivta finds his dorm bed soaked.  High school girls tease/insult each other.

Bullying begins early in childhood and may continue into high school.  Boys may be verbal or physical; girls usually are verbal and more likely to use social exclusion.  Generally, social intimidation peaks in sixth and seventh grades.  In a healthy environment where the children’s needs are met and where adults genuinely disapprove of bullying, it tapers off by eighth grade.  By then, most of the vulnerable children in the class have found a niche in the social setting and have gained acceptance.  At the same time, the classmates are now more likely to disapprove of nasty peers.

The Victim

Bullies look for socially weak and vulnerable children for their victims:

  • Unassertive – shy, gentle, mild mannered children
  • Handicapped –a physical handicap or a developmental delay (social and/or speech and language)
  • New – new in town or new to the class
  • Different – i.e. clothing, an accent, the belongings, or interests
  • Unfortunate – children who have experienced suffering

The Bully

The three year old who deliberately throws sand at the child playing next to him and sits back contentedly watching his companion’s cries is not necessarily a sadist.  He may simply be exploring cause and effect.  Some little children are too immature to be compassionate.  They find it interesting to test the effects of their actions on their playmates.

Children with mild developmental delays may also be prone to hitting, grabbing, and hurting others.  This is due to social immaturity and/or sensory integration challenges as opposed to bullying.  They may not know how to handle themselves with other children, or they may be overreacting to sensory input, such as, noise or crowding.

In general, aggressive behavior among younger children tends to be due to social immaturity and lack of awareness of appropriate social norms.  As children age, the bullying is more calculated.  While some bullies freely admit that they were picking on the other child, others insist that the other child is at fault.

Some motivations for bullying:

  • Boredom – Pressing another child’s buttons and watching his/her reaction is fun and interesting.
  • Home Situation – Anger caused by bullying, neglect, or emotional turmoil at home might transfer into aggressive behavior at school.
  • Media Messages – Watching entertainment depicting children putting down or hurting others increases bullying.
  • Social Insecurity – Putting down others may cause an insecure child to feel empowered.  An inner feeling of worthlessness may be found even in children who seem to be popular.
  • Sports mania – A talented athlete may try to exclude clumsy children on his/her team.
  • Lack of empathy –  underdeveloped sensitivity to the needs/feelings of others

When a child comes home from school and reports being hurt socially or physically, the parent needs to stay calm.  It is important to realize that only one side of the story is being told.  (On rare occasions, a child may fabricate an incident in order to hurt a classmate.)  Parents overreacting may inflame the situation.  Moreover, it is not healthy for children to learn to “play” their parents by telling them about being victimized.  Parents should extend their sympathy, identify as many details as possible, and assess whether they should pursue the matter or not.  This depends on how their child is reacting.  For instance, is he/she taking the incident in stride or is the child emotionally devastated?

If there have been a few incidents already, if there are safety issues involved, or if their child is suffering, the parents should contact the school, starting with the teacher.  It is best to be tactful with the teacher: “my son/daughter is experiencing the following; could you please look out for him/her?”  Ask the teacher for his/her view of the situation.  Perhaps the “bullying” was a simple misunderstanding, and the teacher may facilitate a reconciliation with the children.

Sometimes it is easier and faster to sidestep the school and to contact the parents of the other child directly.  This option is feasible only if the parents are open-minded, receptive, and blessed with diplomatic skills.  It pays to approach the other parents cautiously because it might be their own child who was the aggressor.  In addition, today’s bully may turn into tomorrow’s best friend.  Handled properly, the parents may bring the two children together successfully.

It is an integral part of any school’s mission to provide a safe environment, physical, emotional, and social.  The parents should allow the teacher a day or two to investigate and to intervene.  If the teacher is not able to help, they should contact the guidance counselor, administrator, principal, etc.

When investigating the situation, the school administration might determine that a child is socially aggressive.  They may contact the bully’s parents in order to work together to solve the child’s problem.  Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for parents to flatly deny that their child could be the aggressor.  Children often behave differently at home and at school.  A child victimized at home by older siblings may be a bully at school.

Note: When the school administration contacts parents with a problem, it usually means that there is a problem.  The very fact that their child is being singled out indicates that something is amiss.  To dismiss the problem is to deny one’s child help he/she needs.

 

 

Intervention—Helping the Victim

Sometimes, the victim brings the bullying on him/herself through consciously or unconsciously breaking social rules.  For example, classmates exclude a boy from their game because he often quit the game to join other playground action.  Or, a child invades the space of another child, who retaliates.  Some children regularly attack others yet they complain when it happens to them.  Parents need to guide their child into changing his/her behavior when necessary.

Unfortunately, certain children are picked on regularly even though they follow social rules.  There are steps that parents may take to empower these children against current and possible future assaults on their self-esteem.

Developing Coping Skills

Since bullying is a fact of life, the most reliable method for stopping it is to “harden the target.”  When the bully finds the victim is unaffected, he/she no longer find the behavior rewarding.  Before coaching the child with some of the techniques listed below, it is best to discuss the specific situation with the teacher or school staff to ascertain which techniques are most appropriate.

Inoculate – Ask the child to list the worst insults another child applies to him/her.  Read them off to the child several times a day until the words lose their power.  (The child must understand that the words do not truly apply to him/her; the idea is to learn how to ignore the words.)

Develop responses – Depending on the situation, create “lines” for the child to use.  Some examples:

  • “Don’t be ridiculous”
  • “Are you trying to hurt my feelings?”
  • “Whatever”
  • “Get used to it”

 

Practice self-assertion– Have someone play the bully’s role and guide the child into speaking his/her line correctly.  This includes standing up straight, looking the aggressor in the eye, and speaking loudly, calmly, and clearly.  If the child has trouble picking up these skills, he/she may need a few sessions with an experienced counselor.

Physical retaliation may be a tempting solution for a child who is suffering from verbal abuse.  However, there is a danger of either the victim or the bully getting truly hurt, and one’s own child may be punished as the aggressor.

These coping skills are less effective when the bullies operate as a group.  In such cases, the parents must keep in close communication with the school until the staff resolves the problem.

Strengthening Self-Esteem

Parents need to ensure that their child understands that the insults of the bully do not define him/her as a person.  Parents should convey that being poor at sports, overweight, socially backward do not mean that a person is worthless.  In addition, parents should try to develop their child’s strengths and talents, e.g. through art or music lessons.  Spending extra time one-on-one with the child is also helpful to validate his/her sense of self-worth.

Help the Child Fit In

Make sure that the child conforms to the norms of this class.  Especially for girls, it is a good idea to contact the mother of one of the popular classmates for makeover help: clothing, accessories, hair style, etc.

Encourage friendships while the child is young.  This may involve asking the teacher for suggestions and scheduling exciting play dates, perhaps going on outings (pizza, bowling, ice skating) with the children.  A child who has a friend is less vulnerable.

Victims should be reminded to stay with the rest of their class during recess rather than hanging around in an isolated location.  Children who are not participating in group activities are more likely to be victimized by roaming bullies.

Seeking Professional Help

If the situation is severe and is taking a toll on the victim, it may be necessary to enroll the child in a social skills group.  Ideally, the group should be balanced between the aggressive and the shy personalities.  Such groups are sometimes less effective when members include classmates of the child.  It may also be useful to obtain professional counseling for the parent and/or for the child.

Interventions for the Bully

Parents of the bully also need to intervene.  While most bullies outgrow it, if problems are left unaddressed, some bullies might grow into abusive adults and dysfunctional spouses, parents and co-workers.  Moreover, the bullying may be a symptom of other problems which need to be resolved; the child might be acting out because he/she is being victimized.

When parents hear that their child is accused of bullying behavior, they should gather as much detail as possible, including whether their child is the leader or following someone’s example.  They should also ask their child for his/her perspective.  Usually, the parents and the school administration are able to determine the root cause and jointly implement a solution.

Many of the interventions for the bully are identical to those for the victim, including raising the child’s self-esteem so that the child does not feel a need to put others down.  There are cases in which the bullied should be enrolled in a social skills group and/or seek professional counseling.  Build awareness and empathy in the aggressor by having him/her read books like the “Kids Speak” series by Rabbi Walder.

Preventing Bullying

Protecting One’s Child

Parents might foresee that a child may be bullied once he/she enters school if the child matches the victim profile outlined in Part 1.  Parents may preemptively take the steps outlined in Part 1, including developing their child’s strengths, cultivating friendships, and taking care to make sure their child does not “stick out”.

Parents should also teach their children that they have a right to be safe and that they must speak to an adult when they are threatened.

Raising Compassionate Children

Cultivate good parenting practices in order for children to feel that their needs are being met.  State values early and often to the children.  Avoid using disrespectful terms to describe other people.  When a child relates the day’s events, a parent may have the child explore the feelings of the disadvantaged child.  On seeing a child who looks different, express feelings of compassion to one’s own child.  In addition, parents may go out of their way to occasionally invite a family with a special needs child or arrange play dates with special needs children.

Working on the Environment

Before enrollment, parents should enquire about the school’s anti-bullying program.  The children’s education should include teaching children to stick up for each other.  Bystanders to bullying may be taught to yell “Stop that!” and to report the incident.  Note: it is not Loshon Hora as long as the incident is reported to a member of the school staff and the motive for reporting the incident is not malice towards the perpetrator.  Students who see or hear something potentially life-threatening are REQUIRED to inform someone immediately, even if their motives are not pure.

Conclusion

We tried to explain the phenomenon behind bullying in this article. The harm that bullies commit is real, and is never forgotten by many victims.  However, it is hard to be judgmental towards younger children who are trying to cope with social and academic pressures which they may be too immature to handle.  Moreover, it is not always clear who is the victim and who is the aggressor.

The subject of bullying has made headlines lately as horrific examples of young adults bullying have come to light. In our view, these incidents represent a profound failure on the part of the parents and the school system. Bullying is understandable, while undesirable, in elementary school. However, it is the job of the parents, the community, and the schools to make sure that bullying is eliminated among healthy children by the time that they finish high school.

 

 

Helping Your Daughter Succeed in Elementary School

 

As parents, we all want our children to get the most they can from their Yeshiva education.  We thought that it might be helpful to ask Yeshiva staff for ideas on how to improve our children’s elementary school experience. The material for this article was collected through interviews with members of the staff of our local Yeshiva Ktana for girls.  Since this is a girls’ Yeshiva, we will refer to “your daughter” rather than “your son”. We believe, however, that many of the insights presented here are relevant for other Yeshivas and for boys.

Guidance vs. Micromanagment

A daughter needs her parents to guide her through the social and academic challenges of her schooling.  A daughter also needs to learn to rely on her own resources as she progresses through the school system.  Parents must balance between these two needs.  This includes allowing their daughter to make her own mistakes.  If the child gets a “B” on her report, but it is her own “B”, so be it.  Bnos Bracha would like to encourage parents to have their children strive for improvement, not for perfection.

In the early grades, it is expected that the parents will be closely involved with their children’s homework.  This includes making sure their daughter knows what her assignments are, has all necessary supplies, and actually completes the work.  Parents should be available, also, to give a hand if their daughter feels that she is out of her depth.  The goal should be to teach the child to take pride in and responsibility for her homework and schoolwork.

By the time a girl reaches the junior high school years, the parents have to step back.  Girls in their early teens need to feel that they are trusted and respected by their parents.  Therefore, it can be counter-productive if parents nag their older children to complete their homework or to study for tests.  Sometimes, it is better when the parent stays out of the picture and lets the child bear the consequences of her actions.

There are exceptions. Girls, who have special needs or who find it especially challenging to organize their time, may need their parents’ input even when they are older.  When in doubt, parents should consult with the teachers and/or the principals to decide how to proceed.

Cultivating a Work Ethic

Children do not always have the ability to excel in their school work.  However, many can learn how to apply themselves, and work hard at their studies.  When parents make it clear to their children that they value the effort they are putting into their schoolwork, they help their children take pride in their  work.  In order to instill this sense of pride, the parents must show complete acceptance of their daughter’s low or mediocre grades, as long as they are the result of her best effort.  This is a highly valuable life lesson that can guide daughters through their adulthood.

It is interesting to note that girls who are accustomed to working hard in their early school years often catch up with, and can even surpass, their more talented peers once they reach the upper grades.  It has been shown that students who are academically challenged but received the right kind of help early in their schooling often have better study habits than students who have not experienced academic challenges.

Getting Outside Help

Child rearing is challenging.  Sometimes, the child and parent are “stuck” and cannot resolve a problematic situation on their own.  Parents who realize when they need outside help are a significant asset to their children.  Professionals such as psychologists, counselors, or life coaches can help parents and children through the challenges of growing up.  Professionals can confer with the Yeshiva staff about how to best help a student.  When the parents, therapists, and school have open communication, the students are the winners.

Keeping Communication Lines Open

Even when their daughters are older, parents are still an important part of their daughter’s lives.  Girls appreciate it when their parents are available to discuss homework, projects, and test results.  Children, especially teens, need to feel that they can discuss anything with their parents.  When parents cultivate a non-judgmental tone, it encourages their children to confide in them.

Validating Your Daughter’s Feelings

 Sometimes, a child has a bad day in school.  When things go wrong at school, parents have to perform a balancing act.  On the one hand, the daughter must feel that her parents empathize with her and will advocate for her.  On the other hand, parents are not doing their child a favor if they react in an overly emotional way.  The parent should model a calm response, as he/she patiently finds out what happened, and decides on a course of action.   It is appropriate, when discussing a problem with a school staff member, to make sure that children are not within hearing distance.

 

Home Responsibilities and School Work

When children perform chores at home, it raises their self esteem as they see themselves contributing to the running of the household.  However, children need time for themselves: to keep up with their schoolwork and to just be kids.  It is important for parents to balance their own need for their daughter’s help with the daughter’s need to accomplish her own work. 

Tips for the Earlier Grades

  • Girls in the lower grades really appreciate it when they themselves are able to contribute items that the class is collecting.  For example when the Morah requests that the class needs milk bottles for a project, the girls who bring in the bottles feel very good when their bottles are used by the class.
  • Mitzvah notes makes girls feel proud.
  • The girls bond over their play dates.  On Monday, the Morahs can tell who played with whom over the weekend; either the girls themselves inform the Morahs, or the Morahs can see who is interacting with whom.
  • Avoid sending your daughter to school with a valued toy or object.  She may be devastated if it is lost or broken in school.  However, bringing in a toy or game to share at recess is a great way for a girl to develop friendships—especially if she is shy or awkward.
  • Younger girls find it hard to recover their bearings when they arrive late at school.  Five minutes late means that the girl does not walk in to class with her classmates.  Once the routine is disrupted, some girls have enormous trouble settling into the school day

Fostering a Positive Relationship

It is always heartwarming when parents give positive feedback to the school: a pleasant note to the teacher or a thank you to the staff.  Moreover, parents will get further with positive statements, rather than relating with the teacher entirely through criticism.

Helping Your Son Succeed in Limudei Kodesh

Tips from Rebbeim in our local elementary school Yeshiva for boys.

The Rebbe Relationship

The Yeshiva system is based on the centrality of the Rebbe’s role.  Typically, for Limudei Kodesh, there is no co-teacher or assistant, even in Pre1A, for this is a one-man show.  The underlying premise is that the most effective transmission of the Mesora comes when students have a deep respect, and even awe, of their teacher.  As we know, Limudei Kodesh is about transmitting our heritage and the attitudes of our forefathers, rather than merely about teaching intellectual concepts.

Getting Individual Attention From Rebbe

While the Rebbeim’s goal is to reach each child during class time, realistically, a boy might not be able to speak to the Rebbe each class.  Recess, snack time, and lunch are times when boys may approach the Rebbe and interact with him individually.  Parents may also send the Rebbe a note asking him to “reach out” to their son, should their son feel neglected or under-appreciated.

Maintaining Contact with the Rebbe

During orientation, which is usually scheduled the first week of school, the Rebbe provides parents with his contact information.  Some Rebbeim provide their personal cell phone number; others prefer to be contacted through the office.  Parents also may leave a voicemail message on the Rebbe’s “mailbox”.  If within a day or two, you do not hear from him, ask the Yeshiva office staff to let the Rebbe know that you are trying to reach him.  Not all Rebbeim use the voicemail system, but all are reachable.

Parents tend to call their son’s Rebbe when challenges arise.  It is also beneficial to regularly contact the Rebbe simply to discuss a boy’s overall progress.  This can be helpful to your son even when he is doing fine, since the Rebbe might suggest ways to enhance your son’s social, academic, or spiritual growth. Parents may call the Rebbe early in the school year and ask how often he prefers to hear from them.  It is always healthy for a child’s performance in and out of school, when both the Rebbe and the Talmid know that the parents are involved in the Chinuch process.

Aside from problem-solving calls and progress checks, Rebbeim greatly appreciate positive, specific messages about what their Talmidim are gaining from their class.

Commiserate—But Don’t Judge

Boys may come home upset about something that happened in school or even with their Rebbe.  Parents should listen and sympathize, but realize that a child’s perception may not be a reliable report.  It is appropriate to tell one’s child that a parent will call Rebbe in order to hear his view of what occurred.  It is advisable to contact the Rebbe in a private location away from children.  The boy’s anger or frustration may be based on a misconception.  There is often another side to the story.  It is possible that the Rebbe might have made a mistake in the fast-paced classroom environment.  Regardless of the particular situation, you and your child should always communicate respectfully with the Rebbe.  Otherwise, even when the issue is resolved, the Rebbe/Talmid relationship may be damaged and the boy will most likely not gain as much from his Chinuch in Yeshiva.

Similarly, when parents are distressed with their son’s test scores or report card grades, the wise thing to do is to speak privately to the Rebbe, rather than to express these concerns in the presence of their son.

Feeling Safe in Yeshiva

 The Yeshiva staff tries hard to create an environment in which children feel safe.  Parents should encourage their sons to tell an adult (a Rebbe, a principal, or a staff member) if they feel threatened in any way.  This includes bullying or teasing in class or anywhere in the school.  Rebbeim take these kinds of issues very seriously.  The complex dynamics of the classroom can prevent the Rebbe from perceiving a negative interaction, even when it takes place in front of him.   Children tend to think that Rebbe saw what happened but the Rebbe’s attention may have been focused elsewhere.   Therefore, parents and children should never assume that Rebbe knew what happened and deliberately ignored it.

Chazara

Chazara, review, is an integral part of the Yeshiva boy’s learning process.  From Pre1A when the boys review their Aleph – Bais through the junior high school years when they review their Gemara, Chazara is always essential.  This process should ideally be with an adult to ensure that the boy is repeating his lesson correctly.  Chazara should be a peaceful process.  If parents find that Chazara is causing tension and resentment for any reason, they need to contact the Rebbe.  He may provide tips to ease the process or perhaps create an individualized homework plan for the child.

Although many parents are able to review the Chumash or Mishnah without the aid of Teitch (translation) sheets, Rebbeim prefer that they use them.   Younger boys may become confused if they hear one translation from their parent and another in class from the Rebbe.

The Father’s Role

It can be highly beneficial for a boy when his father spends time learning with him.  Optimally, the father should supervise the Chazara with his son.  If this is not feasible, it is still helpful for the father to learn something regularly with his son, even if it is not the material being covering in Yeshiva.  This is beneficial only if the learning is done in a pleasant and encouraging way.  If a child resists this kind of learning, the parents should consult with Rebbe or Menahel for suggestions.

Coming Prepared for Yeshiva

Most of the Rebbeim who were interviewed for this article emphasized how important it is that boys come to Yeshiva equipped with everything they need.  Necessary supplies include pencils, pens, school books, homework, lunch and snacks. It is highly critical that each student has all of these elements, which serve as a basis for successful learning, health and socialization. This also includes being provided with the appropriate winter clothing: coat, gloves, etc.  Note: During half days (Fridays, Sundays, and legal holidays) boys are most likely to omit bringing supplies.

 Sleep

A child who has not slept enough is a challenged child.  This is especially true for those boys who have difficulty in maintaining appropriate conduct through a long school day.   It has been documented that the symptoms of sleep deprivation in children are almost identical to the symptoms of ADD/ADHD.  If you are unsure as to what bedtime is appropriate, feel free to ask Rebbe for some guidelines.

Breakfast

Rebbeim can often tell if a boy had breakfast in the morning and if it was a satisfying one.  One Rebbe noticed that when boys had dry cereal for breakfast they became hungry again earlier than those who had eaten bread or toast.  Consider a variety of wholesome foods for this vitally important meal and take into account the hours until snack and lunchtime.  .

Neatness

When a boy arrives in school with his shirt tucked in and everything in place with his attire, he is ready to learn.  It tends to be harder for a boy who looks and feels like a mess to focus on his learning.

Punctuality

When children arrive late for class, the problem is beyond his disrupting the other boys’ learning.  It is also frustrating for the boy himself, as he feels that he is behind, that he has missed something, and that he cannot keep up with the class.

In Conclusion: Cultivate Trust in the Yeshiva—Also Listen to Your Son

Parents ideally should select a Yeshiva whose Hashkafa they share, and whose implementation approach they agree with.  Once they have selected the right Yeshiva for their child, it is easier on the Yeshiva, the child, and the parents, if the parents relax and let the Yeshiva perform its Chinuch role.  Getting “from here” to “there”, i.e. from the little boy in Pre 1A to the junior Bochur applying to Mesivta may be a long bumpy road, but the Yeshiva is experienced in leading all different types of children through this journey.

On the other hand, parents must listen to their child and be aware of anything that is bothering him.  This does not mean that they should take everything he says at face value, but rather that they should keep an open line of communication with their son.  This way, they can bring perceived problems immediately to the attention of the Rebbeim/Menahelim, and have them dealt with expeditiously.