As parents, we all want our children to get the most they can from their Yeshiva education.  We thought that it might be helpful to ask Yeshiva staff for ideas on how to improve our children’s elementary school experience. The material for this article was collected through interviews with members of the staff of our local Yeshiva Ktana for girls.  Since this is a girls’ Yeshiva, we will refer to “your daughter” rather than “your son”. We believe, however, that many of the insights presented here are relevant for other Yeshivas and for boys.

Guidance vs. Micromanagment

A daughter needs her parents to guide her through the social and academic challenges of her schooling.  A daughter also needs to learn to rely on her own resources as she progresses through the school system.  Parents must balance between these two needs.  This includes allowing their daughter to make her own mistakes.  If the child gets a “B” on her report, but it is her own “B”, so be it.  Bnos Bracha would like to encourage parents to have their children strive for improvement, not for perfection.

In the early grades, it is expected that the parents will be closely involved with their children’s homework.  This includes making sure their daughter knows what her assignments are, has all necessary supplies, and actually completes the work.  Parents should be available, also, to give a hand if their daughter feels that she is out of her depth.  The goal should be to teach the child to take pride in and responsibility for her homework and schoolwork.

By the time a girl reaches the junior high school years, the parents have to step back.  Girls in their early teens need to feel that they are trusted and respected by their parents.  Therefore, it can be counter-productive if parents nag their older children to complete their homework or to study for tests.  Sometimes, it is better when the parent stays out of the picture and lets the child bear the consequences of her actions.

There are exceptions. Girls, who have special needs or who find it especially challenging to organize their time, may need their parents’ input even when they are older.  When in doubt, parents should consult with the teachers and/or the principals to decide how to proceed.

Cultivating a Work Ethic

Children do not always have the ability to excel in their school work.  However, many can learn how to apply themselves, and work hard at their studies.  When parents make it clear to their children that they value the effort they are putting into their schoolwork, they help their children take pride in their  work.  In order to instill this sense of pride, the parents must show complete acceptance of their daughter’s low or mediocre grades, as long as they are the result of her best effort.  This is a highly valuable life lesson that can guide daughters through their adulthood.

It is interesting to note that girls who are accustomed to working hard in their early school years often catch up with, and can even surpass, their more talented peers once they reach the upper grades.  It has been shown that students who are academically challenged but received the right kind of help early in their schooling often have better study habits than students who have not experienced academic challenges.

Getting Outside Help

Child rearing is challenging.  Sometimes, the child and parent are “stuck” and cannot resolve a problematic situation on their own.  Parents who realize when they need outside help are a significant asset to their children.  Professionals such as psychologists, counselors, or life coaches can help parents and children through the challenges of growing up.  Professionals can confer with the Yeshiva staff about how to best help a student.  When the parents, therapists, and school have open communication, the students are the winners.

Keeping Communication Lines Open

Even when their daughters are older, parents are still an important part of their daughter’s lives.  Girls appreciate it when their parents are available to discuss homework, projects, and test results.  Children, especially teens, need to feel that they can discuss anything with their parents.  When parents cultivate a non-judgmental tone, it encourages their children to confide in them.

Validating Your Daughter’s Feelings

 Sometimes, a child has a bad day in school.  When things go wrong at school, parents have to perform a balancing act.  On the one hand, the daughter must feel that her parents empathize with her and will advocate for her.  On the other hand, parents are not doing their child a favor if they react in an overly emotional way.  The parent should model a calm response, as he/she patiently finds out what happened, and decides on a course of action.   It is appropriate, when discussing a problem with a school staff member, to make sure that children are not within hearing distance.

 

Home Responsibilities and School Work

When children perform chores at home, it raises their self esteem as they see themselves contributing to the running of the household.  However, children need time for themselves: to keep up with their schoolwork and to just be kids.  It is important for parents to balance their own need for their daughter’s help with the daughter’s need to accomplish her own work. 

Tips for the Earlier Grades

• Girls in the lower grades really appreciate it when they themselves are able to contribute items that the class is collecting.  For example when the Morah requests that the class needs milk bottles for a project, the girls who bring in the bottles feel very good when their bottles are used by the class.

• Mitzvah notes makes girls feel proud.

• The girls bond over their play dates.  On Monday, the Morahs can tell who played with whom over the weekend; either the girls themselves inform the Morahs, or the Morahs can see who is interacting with whom.

• Avoid sending your daughter to school with a valued toy or object.  She may be devastated if it is lost or broken in school.  However, bringing in a toy or game to share at recess is a great way for a girl to develop friendships—especially if she is shy or awkward.

• Younger girls find it hard to recover their bearings when they arrive late at school.  Five minutes late means that the girl does not walk in to class with her classmates.  Once the routine is disrupted, some girls have enormous trouble settling into the school day

Fostering a Positive Relationship

It is always heartwarming when parents give positive feedback to the school: a pleasant note to the teacher or a thank you to the staff.  Moreover, parents will get further with positive statements, rather than relating with the teacher entirely through criticism.