We explore the phenomenon of bullying in school: how and why it happens, prevention, and what parents should do if their child is a victim or an aggressor. For the purpose of this article, bullying is any behavior by a child that is deliberately meant to hurt another child, physically, socially, or psychologically.
Note: Bullying is likely to occur wherever children congregate unsupervised, including in shul, the neighborhood, and the playground. This article features school-based bullying, but the tips are universal.
Bullying
A toddler deliberately throws sand into another child’s face. Preschoolers call each other names. Second grade boys refuse to allow a classmate to join their ball game. A fourth grade girl invites girls to a sleepover on condition that they do not play with a certain classmate. A sixth grade boy squirts juice on himself and tells his Rebbe that a specific classmate did it. A boy in Mesivta finds his dorm bed soaked. High school girls tease/insult each other.
Bullying begins early in childhood and may continue into high school. Boys may be verbal or physical; girls usually are verbal and more likely to use social exclusion. Generally, social intimidation peaks in sixth and seventh grades. In a healthy environment where the children’s needs are met and where adults genuinely disapprove of bullying, it tapers off by eighth grade. By then, most of the vulnerable children in the class have found a niche in the social setting and have gained acceptance. At the same time, the classmates are now more likely to disapprove of nasty peers.
The Victim
Bullies look for socially weak and vulnerable children for their victims:
- Unassertive – shy, gentle, mild mannered children
- Handicapped –a physical handicap or a developmental delay (social and/or speech and language)
- New – new in town or new to the class
- Different – i.e. clothing, an accent, the belongings, or interests
- Unfortunate – children who have experienced suffering
The Bully
The three year old who deliberately throws sand at the child playing next to him and sits back contentedly watching his companion’s cries is not necessarily a sadist. He may simply be exploring cause and effect. Some little children are too immature to be compassionate. They find it interesting to test the effects of their actions on their playmates.
Children with mild developmental delays may also be prone to hitting, grabbing, and hurting others. This is due to social immaturity and/or sensory integration challenges as opposed to bullying. They may not know how to handle themselves with other children, or they may be overreacting to sensory input, such as, noise or crowding.
In general, aggressive behavior among younger children tends to be due to social immaturity and lack of awareness of appropriate social norms. As children age, the bullying is more calculated. While some bullies freely admit that they were picking on the other child, others insist that the other child is at fault.
Some motivations for bullying:
- Boredom – Pressing another child’s buttons and watching his/her reaction is fun and interesting.
- Home Situation – Anger caused by bullying, neglect, or emotional turmoil at home might transfer into aggressive behavior at school.
- Media Messages – Watching entertainment depicting children putting down or hurting others increases bullying.
- Social Insecurity – Putting down others may cause an insecure child to feel empowered. An inner feeling of worthlessness may be found even in children who seem to be popular.
- Sports mania – A talented athlete may try to exclude clumsy children on his/her team.
- Lack of empathy – underdeveloped sensitivity to the needs/feelings of others
When a child comes home from school and reports being hurt socially or physically, the parent needs to stay calm. It is important to realize that only one side of the story is being told. (On rare occasions, a child may fabricate an incident in order to hurt a classmate.) Parents overreacting may inflame the situation. Moreover, it is not healthy for children to learn to “play” their parents by telling them about being victimized. Parents should extend their sympathy, identify as many details as possible, and assess whether they should pursue the matter or not. This depends on how their child is reacting. For instance, is he/she taking the incident in stride or is the child emotionally devastated?
If there have been a few incidents already, if there are safety issues involved, or if their child is suffering, the parents should contact the school, starting with the teacher. It is best to be tactful with the teacher: “my son/daughter is experiencing the following; could you please look out for him/her?” Ask the teacher for his/her view of the situation. Perhaps the “bullying” was a simple misunderstanding, and the teacher may facilitate a reconciliation with the children.
Sometimes it is easier and faster to sidestep the school and to contact the parents of the other child directly. This option is feasible only if the parents are open-minded, receptive, and blessed with diplomatic skills. It pays to approach the other parents cautiously because it might be their own child who was the aggressor. In addition, today’s bully may turn into tomorrow’s best friend. Handled properly, the parents may bring the two children together successfully.
It is an integral part of any school’s mission to provide a safe environment, physical, emotional, and social. The parents should allow the teacher a day or two to investigate and to intervene. If the teacher is not able to help, they should contact the guidance counselor, administrator, principal, etc.
When investigating the situation, the school administration might determine that a child is socially aggressive. They may contact the bully’s parents in order to work together to solve the child’s problem. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for parents to flatly deny that their child could be the aggressor. Children often behave differently at home and at school. A child victimized at home by older siblings may be a bully at school.
Note: When the school administration contacts parents with a problem, it usually means that there is a problem. The very fact that their child is being singled out indicates that something is amiss. To dismiss the problem is to deny one’s child help he/she needs.
Intervention—Helping the Victim
Sometimes, the victim brings the bullying on him/herself through consciously or unconsciously breaking social rules. For example, classmates exclude a boy from their game because he often quit the game to join other playground action. Or, a child invades the space of another child, who retaliates. Some children regularly attack others yet they complain when it happens to them. Parents need to guide their child into changing his/her behavior when necessary.
Unfortunately, certain children are picked on regularly even though they follow social rules. There are steps that parents may take to empower these children against current and possible future assaults on their self-esteem.
Developing Coping Skills
Since bullying is a fact of life, the most reliable method for stopping it is to “harden the target.” When the bully finds the victim is unaffected, he/she no longer find the behavior rewarding. Before coaching the child with some of the techniques listed below, it is best to discuss the specific situation with the teacher or school staff to ascertain which techniques are most appropriate.
Inoculate – Ask the child to list the worst insults another child applies to him/her. Read them off to the child several times a day until the words lose their power. (The child must understand that the words do not truly apply to him/her; the idea is to learn how to ignore the words.)
Develop responses – Depending on the situation, create “lines” for the child to use. Some examples:
- “Don’t be ridiculous”
- “Are you trying to hurt my feelings?”
- “Whatever”
- “Get used to it”
Practice self-assertion– Have someone play the bully’s role and guide the child into speaking his/her line correctly. This includes standing up straight, looking the aggressor in the eye, and speaking loudly, calmly, and clearly. If the child has trouble picking up these skills, he/she may need a few sessions with an experienced counselor.
Physical retaliation may be a tempting solution for a child who is suffering from verbal abuse. However, there is a danger of either the victim or the bully getting truly hurt, and one’s own child may be punished as the aggressor.
These coping skills are less effective when the bullies operate as a group. In such cases, the parents must keep in close communication with the school until the staff resolves the problem.
Strengthening Self-Esteem
Parents need to ensure that their child understands that the insults of the bully do not define him/her as a person. Parents should convey that being poor at sports, overweight, socially backward do not mean that a person is worthless. In addition, parents should try to develop their child’s strengths and talents, e.g. through art or music lessons. Spending extra time one-on-one with the child is also helpful to validate his/her sense of self-worth.
Help the Child Fit In
Make sure that the child conforms to the norms of this class. Especially for girls, it is a good idea to contact the mother of one of the popular classmates for makeover help: clothing, accessories, hair style, etc.
Encourage friendships while the child is young. This may involve asking the teacher for suggestions and scheduling exciting play dates, perhaps going on outings (pizza, bowling, ice skating) with the children. A child who has a friend is less vulnerable.
Victims should be reminded to stay with the rest of their class during recess rather than hanging around in an isolated location. Children who are not participating in group activities are more likely to be victimized by roaming bullies.
Seeking Professional Help
If the situation is severe and is taking a toll on the victim, it may be necessary to enroll the child in a social skills group. Ideally, the group should be balanced between the aggressive and the shy personalities. Such groups are sometimes less effective when members include classmates of the child. It may also be useful to obtain professional counseling for the parent and/or for the child.
Interventions for the Bully
Parents of the bully also need to intervene. While most bullies outgrow it, if problems are left unaddressed, some bullies might grow into abusive adults and dysfunctional spouses, parents and co-workers. Moreover, the bullying may be a symptom of other problems which need to be resolved; the child might be acting out because he/she is being victimized.
When parents hear that their child is accused of bullying behavior, they should gather as much detail as possible, including whether their child is the leader or following someone’s example. They should also ask their child for his/her perspective. Usually, the parents and the school administration are able to determine the root cause and jointly implement a solution.
Many of the interventions for the bully are identical to those for the victim, including raising the child’s self-esteem so that the child does not feel a need to put others down. There are cases in which the bullied should be enrolled in a social skills group and/or seek professional counseling. Build awareness and empathy in the aggressor by having him/her read books like the “Kids Speak” series by Rabbi Walder.
Preventing Bullying
Protecting One’s Child
Parents might foresee that a child may be bullied once he/she enters school if the child matches the victim profile outlined in Part 1. Parents may preemptively take the steps outlined in Part 1, including developing their child’s strengths, cultivating friendships, and taking care to make sure their child does not “stick out”.
Parents should also teach their children that they have a right to be safe and that they must speak to an adult when they are threatened.
Raising Compassionate Children
Cultivate good parenting practices in order for children to feel that their needs are being met. State values early and often to the children. Avoid using disrespectful terms to describe other people. When a child relates the day’s events, a parent may have the child explore the feelings of the disadvantaged child. On seeing a child who looks different, express feelings of compassion to one’s own child. In addition, parents may go out of their way to occasionally invite a family with a special needs child or arrange play dates with special needs children.
Working on the Environment
Before enrollment, parents should enquire about the school’s anti-bullying program. The children’s education should include teaching children to stick up for each other. Bystanders to bullying may be taught to yell “Stop that!” and to report the incident. Note: it is not Loshon Hora as long as the incident is reported to a member of the school staff and the motive for reporting the incident is not malice towards the perpetrator. Students who see or hear something potentially life-threatening are REQUIRED to inform someone immediately, even if their motives are not pure.
Conclusion
We tried to explain the phenomenon behind bullying in this article. The harm that bullies commit is real, and is never forgotten by many victims. However, it is hard to be judgmental towards younger children who are trying to cope with social and academic pressures which they may be too immature to handle. Moreover, it is not always clear who is the victim and who is the aggressor.
The subject of bullying has made headlines lately as horrific examples of young adults bullying have come to light. In our view, these incidents represent a profound failure on the part of the parents and the school system. Bullying is understandable, while undesirable, in elementary school. However, it is the job of the parents, the community, and the schools to make sure that bullying is eliminated among healthy children by the time that they finish high school.