Helping Your Son Grow Through His Bar Mitzva 

The Bar Mitzva celebration with the planning and preparations leading to it are wonderful opportunities to help a boy grow spiritually and develop maturity.  In this article, derived from interviews with parents and local mechanchim, we provide tips to help parents plan the Bar Mitzva celebration best suited for their son’s development.

Expectations of a Bar Mitzva Boy

In our community, boys are typically expected to lein at least some of the parsha and/or haftora, speak (say over a pshetl), and/or make a siyum at their Bar Mitzva.  Some boys also lead the davening in shul.  While these tasks require extensive advance preparation, the amount of effort and the time required depends on the scope of the task.  A year or two before their son’s birthday, parents should begin thinking about how much to expect from him.  It may be helpful for parents to consult with their son’s Rebbe, principal, or the family Rav to get a better idea of what is feasible for him (and them).

The Leining

Reading an entire parsha correctly from a Sefer Torah requires motivation, although musical ability and memorization skills (for the trop) are helpful.  It is an accomplishment that is within the reach of many boys, although some find it easier than others.  The Bar Mitzva is a wonderful opportunity for a boy to learn an important skill and experience the thrill of reading the Torah at his shul.  The parsha that he leins at his Bar Mitzva often is remembered for life.  Moreover, every minyan needs a baal koreh; it is a public spirited act to learn to lein and if he does not acquire it at Bar Mitzva, the boy is less likely to learn the skill later in life (although some learn to lein for their aufruf).

Mechanchim and leining Rebbes sometimes discourage boys (and their parents) from undertaking the leining of a full parsha.  If the boy appears to “have what it takes,” they might set learning the entire parsha as an initial, tentative goal.  It is becoming more common for the boy to lein either the beginning of the parsha or just the maftir.  Many boys lein the haftorah, too, which is easier, when it is read from a sefer containing the cantillation marks (trop).

If the boy is not motivated, parents should consider seriously before pressuring him into leining as there is no obligation to lein at the Bar Mitzvah.  However, if possible, the boy should be encouraged to be work on something else, such as making a siyum and/or leading the davening.

The Speech/Pshetl

It is an old tradition that the Bar Mitzva boy delivers a learned speech (pshetl) at some point during the celebration.  The speech, often composed by a Rebbe, the father, or a learned relative/friend, is traditionally difficult for the average listener in the audience to understand.   The idea behind the pshetel is to show that the boy is capable of understanding and explaining complicated Torah concepts—that he is truly a budding ben Torah.

The pshetl works best for the boy when he is involved in composing it and when it is explained to him, step by step, until he truly masters it.  Ideally, the process of learning the pshetl stimulates the boy’s intellect, showing him what “real” learning is about.  The boy becomes the proud owner of a complex and beautiful piece of Torah.  When there is a relevant message for the boy, e.g. a concept that he now understands thoroughly or a lesson in the importance of a mitzvah that he performs, the pshetl takes on more value.

Another approach to the pshetl is to craft a more accessible, inspirational speech that will be understood and enjoyed by more of the audience, perhaps followed or preceded by a “lomdishe” part.

The Siyum

Making a siyum at the Bar Mitzva is a more recent practice.  This is a nice way to spiritualize the celebration, to encourage a boy to spend more time learning, and for the boy to acquire the self confidence that comes from achievement.  Siyumim are usually made on one or more sidrei mishna or on a masechta in gemara.  It is important that the parents and their son select a realistic goal and begin early, at least three years ahead if the goal is to complete all shas mishnayos.  It may convey an unwholesome message to a boy if the learning is done in a rushed, superficial manner. In addition, the family does not need the additional pressure of completing the learning in the weeks before the Bar Mitzva.

A few weeks before the siyum, it is a good idea for the boy to practice the hadran (siyum text) so he is able to read the long and complex text fluently.

Alternatives

A boy who is not going to lein or to make a siyum might lead the davening in shul.  Another option is to provide the boy a chessed project, such as raising money for the tzeddoka cause of his choosing during the year before his Bar Mitzva.  This gives him a sense of accomplishment and of “earning” his right to the celebration and to entering a mitzvah-filled adulthood.

Stretch vs. Stress

There is a fine line between parental encouragement and parental pressure. The Bar Mitzva is an opportunity for parents to help their son grow by presenting him with a challenge.  The knowledge that he will perform in public and the desire to live up to the standards of his community are strong motivators to push a boy into achieving more than he would have deemed possible.  Accomplishments achieved through solid effort build a self confidence that will help a boy through the transition into mesivta and adulthood.

On the other hand, the seventh grade year, when many boys turn thirteen, is pivotal for his future.  This is when boys build the gemara skills they will need early in eighth grade for the farhers (oral exams) to qualify for admission to the mesivta of their choice.  Much of the boy’s free time is already used attending their friends’ Bar Mitzva celebrations. If preparing for his Bar Mitzva depletes the time and energy that the boy needs to keep up with his class, it is better to choose easier options or skip some tasks entirely.

Another factor to consider is how well their son is likely to handle the pressure of executing the Bar Mitzva tasks.  Even if the boy is intellectually capable, if he has trouble staying on task or giving up free time, this may not be the right battle to pick.  A solid child/parent relationship is crucial for the healthy development of an adolescent.  Nagging a reluctant son to work on his leining/pshetl/siyum might damage this relationship.

It is important that parents focus on what is best for their child rather than trying to keep up with standards set by other boys.  Their son’s long term prospects (admission to a quality mesivta and maintaining good relations with his parents) are more important than the nachas he or they may derive from a beautiful Bar Mitzva performance.

The Importance of Flexibility and Communication

Occasionally, the boy or his parents realize during the preparation process that the siyum or leining goals that they set were unrealistic.  It is better for the boy and his parent(s) to openly discuss and revisit the goals rather than giving up in an emotional outburst or continuing under increasing acrimony.  Communication must be encouraged.

The Bar Mitzva Rebbe

Parents usually hire a leining Rebbe to teach their son how to lein.  It makes a big difference for the outcome and for the experience when the boy and his leining teacher are a good fit.  Therefore, when networking with parents and/or Rebbeim, parents should ascertain that the leining Rebbe has had good experiences with boys with similar temperament to their son’s.

While for some boys a strict professional approach is best; for others, warmth and caring are the most important factors.  Parents should chat with the instructor before signing him on to make sure that they themselves feel comfortable with him. Once they have selected the right leining Rebbe, parents should be ready to heed his advice about how much of the parsha their boy is up to learning. Nonetheless, if their son feels that the relationship is not working well or that the goals need to be revisited, the parent should discuss these issues with the Rebbe.

Sessions with the leining teacher may be augmented by having the boy listen to a recording of the parsha/haftora on his own time, i.e. walking to and from school or on car trips.

Shul Environment

Many shuls have standards for how the Torah should be read.  These shuls have a contact person, the Rav or the baal koreh, who tests the Bar Mitzva boy before he is permitted to lein.  It is best when the leining instructor stays in touch with this contact person.

It is easier for a beginner leiner when men in shul designate one or two listeners to correct the reading, rather than having numerous men “pounce” on the boy for every mistake.

Planning the Event

Bar Mitzva celebrations usually include a community kiddush on the Shabbos the boy leins or gets his aliya.  Other elements may include catered meals for the extended family and out-of-town guests attending that Shabbos and a seuda (meal) on or around the day the boy turns thirteen.  This seuda may vary from a meal at the boy’s home to a lavish catered affair.

Whose Bar Mitzva is it?

It is usually healthier when the parents determine the general framework and scale of the celebration, after obtaining their son’s input.  Parents find it easier to confer if they do not include their son at their first meeting with the caterer.  There are many factors to consider, including the boy’s preferences, family budget, extended family, and parents’ hashkafa.  However, involving the child in making some of the decisions helps him feel ownership of the Bar Mitzva.

The celebration should be kept manageable for the parents, physically, emotionally, and financially.  It is easier for everyone to enjoy the simcha when parents avoid getting upset over details (the flowers, the dresses, etc.); relaxed parents mean less tension all around.

Deciding on the Scale of the Event

Most boys are happy with any celebration, as long as it is roughly in line with their classmates’ celebrations.  The main attraction for boys seems to be the food and the dancing, although there are boys who care about the details of décor.  If the boy does not enjoy dancing, inviting the class to come over for a Shabbos meal is an alternative.

Parents sometimes cannot afford a celebration on the scale of their son’s classmates’ Bar Mitzvas.  In this situation, communication between the parents and the son is very important.  Perhaps, they can discuss and investigate alternatives together.

There are a few reasons why parents might wish to keep the celebration as simple and inexpensive as possible:

• The family’s first Bar Mitzva is a financial commitment to the rest of the siblings, since they will expect their own Bar Mitzvas or chasunas to be on a commensurate scale.
• Attending a celebration more lavish than they can afford may arouse envy and resentment in the family’s social circle.  It also raises the standard and increases expectations in the classmates, causing anguish for struggling families.
• An upscale affair may outshine the Bar Mitzva boy and his simcha, diminishing the meaningfulness and spirituality of the celebration.

Handling Diversity

When the boy’s family is from a background different from his community, parents need to design a celebration that will both fit their community and make their relatives and out-of-town guests feel welcome.  The Bar Mitzva party is a special opportunity for a beautiful kiddush Hashem, as long as everyone is prepared in advance.  Some tips:

• Ask the Rebbe if the boy’s classmates need to be reminded about decorum.
• Prepare secular guests in advance by letting them know, in a light and friendly manner, what to expect, including what others will be wearing, if women will dance, etc.  Make sure that they realize that you are excited to have them come.
• Have the speakers prepare for a diverse audience and translate.  The boy’s pshetl may include an accessible message about hakoras hatov to his family and relatives.
• Ask friends to greet guests who look out-of-place with a warm mazal tov and to chat with them about the boy or his family.  Friends may also pull these guests into the dancing and help them feel part of the celebration.

One family began their catered affair with a reception just for family, tailored to meet the expectations of guests with a less observant background.  The relatives then stayed for the standard Bar Mitzva seuda that followed for community members and classmates.

Another approach is to stage a catered affair for friends and relatives and a simple breakfast or supper just for the boy’s classmates.  The boys are often very happy with their meal, bagels and cream cheese (even lox may be too fancy) or frankfurters with fries, followed by music and dancing.  The boy may deliver his pshetl without having to translate, and the class Rebbe may speak to the boys at their own level, making the seuda much more meaningful.  (Yeshiva M’kor Boruch has a breakfast Bar Mitzva option. Contact Rabbi Bogart, assistant principal for junior high school, for more details.)

Learning Consideration for Others

The Bar Mitzva is a tremendous learning experience in many dimensions.  Boys acquire time management and scheduling skills as they prepare for their leining/pshetl/siyum.  Planning the affair, which often includes tradeoffs between the boy’s preferences and the convenience of others, teaches the boy to see and consider other points of view.  When a boy sees that his decisions affect others, he may learn sensitivity.  Ending the seuda by 10:00PM strengthens the idea that the next day’s Torah learning is an important value.

With some help from their Rebbe and parents, boys also learn to share in the simcha of their classmates, to be non-judgmental audiences, and to be kind to those who are less socially gifted.  The onerous thank-you note task hopefully inculcates hakoras hatov even for gifts that are not yet appreciated.