How to use the Mesivta experience to help your son grow in middos and interpersonal skills
When people think about Mesivta high schools, they typically think about the level of learning or of motivation in the bochurim. However, there is another dimension to the Mesivta experience: the growth in personal development and good middos that occurs during these transitional teenage years.
The material was obtained through interviews with mechanchim and with local bochurim.
Helping Your Son Fit In
Social development is easier for people when they blend smoothly into their social environment. This is especially important in a high school setting, since teens are often very concerned about this. In many Mesivtos, bochurim try hard to look and behave according to the norms of the Yeshiva. They are concerned about being friendly with others who may be unique. Therefore, parents who are sending their son to a Mesivta which has a strong culture of uniformity might want to explain to your child why conforming is useful. Conforming may lead to social acceptance, which in turn allows boys to fine tune the skills they need to make friends and to work effectively as chavrusas.
Which Mesivta Type Suits My Son?
Selecting a Mesivta for one’s child should be seen as finding the right shidduch. The primary rule is to know your child and to look for the Mesivta that will suit his personality. Consulting with the boy’s menahel and with his 8th grade Rebbe provides parents with useful information, since these educators know both the child and the Mesivtos. Each Mesivta is good for certain types of students and not so great for others. Therefore, you need to look beyond the reputation of an institution to examine the factors that will form the chinuch experience of your child. With the right shidduch, growth is more likely in all areas.
High Pressure vs. Relaxed
Some boys need the structure of a stricter Mesivta; others may find it hard to handle the pressure. A Mesivta which pushes boys to excel may be right for boys who thrive in a competitive environment. If the boy is sensitive, he might be more comfortable in a more relaxed Mesivta where boys are left to grow at their own pace.
Guidance Style
Mesivtas vary in their priorities. Some boys grow well in a Mesvita that has a “hands-off” approach. In such Mesivtas, the Rebbe is a maggid shiur, giving over the lesson and answering questions. Talmidim are expected to approach their Rebbe if they are unhappy about something or if interpersonal issues arise. If talmidim do not speak to the Rebbe, issues are often left to resolve themselves in due time.
In other Mesivtos, hanhalla expects the Rebbe to be closely involved with each talmid. Usually, these are smaller Mesivtos. The smaller class sizes allow a Rebbe to be aware of what is happening in and out of the classroom/Bais Midrash and to get involved. Such a Rebbe interacts with each talmid on a regular basis to make sure that the boy is progressing to the best of his potential.
When checking Mesivtos, parents may ask hanhalla about their policy for intervening when boys are experiencing difficulties. It is also a good idea to speak with a few older boys in the Mesivta, especially those similar to your son, to ascertain how situations have been resolved in practice. Bochurim in twelfth grade or Bais Midrash have the perspective to understand and to explain how they felt that their growth was nurtured in their early Mesivta years.
Social Compatibility
Each Mesivta has its own style or personality, even where the leadership shares the same hashkafa and goals as other Mesivtas. Speaking to parents or bochurim themselves who are presently attending the institution may provide clues about what is stressed in that Yeshiva. Attending a Mesivta with friends from school or camp is another good way to ensure social compatibility.
Tips to promote a successful start in Mesivta
Send to Sleep-away Camp
Look for a camp with boys from the Mesivta your son will attend. Aside from allowing a boy to make friends in advance, the camp experience allows a boy to observe how other boys conduct themselves. It is useful for boys who come from a background different from that of their future fellow bochurim to learn the mannerisms and practices of their peers. Moreover, boys who will dorm would likely benefit from “practicing” by attending sleep-away camp.
Prepare the Correct Wardrobe
Consult parents of boys attending the Mesivta to make sure that the clothing, accessories and equipment you obtain for your son are appropriate for this institution.
Speak to the Rebbe
If parents have reason to be concerned about their son fitting in, they might contact the 9th grade Rebbe shortly before the zman begins to explain their concerns. A personal meeting between your son and his future Rebbe may be beneficial, provided that the boy does not object. It is a good idea to follow up regularly with the Rebbe to make sure that your son is receiving whatever help he may need, rather than waiting for scheduled parent/teacher conferences.
Get a “Big Brother”
If your know that your son is slow at making friends, you may find it helpful to find a warm and outgoing 12th grader or Bais Midrash bochur to learn with him. This may cost up to a few hundred dollars a year, but it can make a huge difference. The older bochur should be well attuned to the nuances and unwritten rules of the Mesivta and able to guide a boy through its social intricacies. Moreover, learning with an older bochur confers useful status to a 9th grader. (Some Mesivtas make a practice of matching older boys with 9th graders.)
Growing through the Chavrusa System
The chavrusashaft (chavrusa partnership) is the setting for most of the learning in a classic Mesivta and Bais Midrash. Chavrusas begin their day studying source commentaries to prepare for the Rebbe’s shiur. After the shiur, they review the material together, working out answers to questions that emerged from the shiur.
In 9th and 10th grade, the Rebbe sets up the chavrusas, and the learning takes place for 45 to 60 minutes. Boys need to find their own chavrusas for optional learning. The learning is geared towards understanding the gemara and some basic commentaries on a simple level. Once they reach the upper grades, bochurim set up their chavrusashafts and learn together for 3 hours at a time. The learning becomes more complex as the boys work out their own understanding of open ended conceptual approaches to the gemara and the commentaries.
Qualities Bochurim Seek in a Chavrusa
Motivation: The basic traits of a good chavrusa are consistently coming on time, staying to the end of seder, focusing on the learning, and avoiding distractions.
Social Skills/Good Middos: Perhaps the most important social attribute of a good chavrusa is being a good listener. It is tempting for bright boys to want to do all the talking and to aggressively push their own thoughts. Chavrusas need to learn turn-taking and team work in order to give the other boy a chance to express his thoughts about the sugya. They must be willing to occasionally give up their own approach and adopt the chavrusa’s way of thinking about the sugya, even if the chavrusa is not as strong intellectually.
Submitting to the chavrusa’s approach can be especially challenging if one of the partners is an original thinker. At first, such boys need to listen more and to be willing to yield to the more conventional approach. However, in the upper grades, original thinkers are prized because they bring more interest and creativity to the chavrusashaft.
Bochurim also need to cultivate the generosity of spirit to acknowledge their chavrusa’s contribution to understanding the sugya. A chavrusa with under-developed middos finds it hard to admit that the other boy is right or that his chavrusa found the answer first.
Boys who have annoying personal habits or poor hygiene find it harder to retain chavrusas. In general, bochurim expect higher standards of behavior in Mesivta; boys who were used to teasing others in 8th grade may find that 9th graders will not tolerate this.
Compatibility: Shares similar goals and learning style. It is easier to learn with someone who shares the same tastes about how quickly or thoroughly to cover the material, which approach to use in understanding the material, and the same interests in commentaries (important for upper grades and Bais Midrash).
Sociability: Someone friendly, easy and fun to be with. Three hours is a long time to spend with one person.
Status: Especially in the lower grades, bochurim feel safer learning with someone who is self-confident and socially integrated.
When Academic Levels Differ
The mechanchim and the bochurim interviewed agreed that academically stronger boys often find it difficult to learn with boys who are far below their level. Low with medium level or medium with high levels are more likely to work. Brighter boys may resent being slowed down by having to explain the basic points of the material to their chavrusa rather than going on to the creative work of resolving issues raised by the shiur.
Such partnerships can work, however, if the stronger boy is willing from the outset to take on the role of leader and teacher. Some boys appreciate the chance to develop a better understanding of the gemara by helping someone else grasp it. The weaker boy, in turn, has to be willing to accept the authority of the stronger boy who will serve as “Rebbe” in this relationship. Each party is given an opportunity for social growth. The stronger boy needs to learn patience, the weaker boy respect, and both empathy for those who are different.
Weaker boys might find that they are happier when they stay with chavrusas closer to their own level. This way, there is less frustration and they do not have to feel like they are “taking”. Should they get stuck on a difficult question, weaker chavrusashafts may seek help from the resources such as shoel u’maishiv (supervisor, question answerer) or older bochurim provided by every Bais Midrash.
A special challenge in unequal partnerships occurs when an academically weaker boy is matched with a brighter but less motivated chavrusa. While both parties may gain from this arrangement, the weaker boy needs to learn how to motivate his chavrusa without annoying him.
Developing Chavrusa Skills
It takes time and effort to develop the skills needed for a successful chavrusashaft. The process is much easier if the bochurim know whom to approach for help. Chavrusas benefit where senior figures, such as the mashgiach, a Rebbe, or an older bochur supervises the free-style learning in the Bais Midrash. Imperfect chavrusa interactions are more likely to be noticed and corrected in such a setting. A Rebbe or mashgiach can coach boys through a difficult relationship and show them how to handle the challenges of a specific situation.
Not all chavrusashafts are successful. A bochur may need to find a tactful way to break up a relationship that is not productive. Here, too, it is best to seek guidance to find a wording that will avoid hurting the chavrusa’s feelings (“it’s not personal; our styles are too different…”) A bochur should make sure to give his chavrusa ample time before the end of the zman to find another partner for the next zman. How he handles this kind of situation will affect his reputation.
Building Reputation
“Reputation,” being known as a bochur with desirable qualities, is the crucial social asset in the Mesivta world. Bochurim share information. A boy who has displayed weaker middos will find it harder to find chavrusas. A bochur builds good reputation by showing himself to be considerate to others, in the Bais Midrash and in the dorm. For example, an academically strong boy who learns patiently with a weaker boy demonstrates that he’s a “giver.” Weaker boys may gain status and find better chavrusas by showing diligence in their learning through coming on time to seder and learning steadfastly to the end.
The good news is that the less than optimal reputation can be fixed. If a Rebbe or a mentor coaches a boy with undesirable traits to change his behavior, the other bochurim will eventually forget his former habits and accept him.
Chavrusa Skills/Life Skills
The chavrusa system encourages teenagers to develop complex social skills. A chavrusashaft is rarely completely compatible, since even boys on the same academic level have different strengths or learning styles. Eventually, bochurim may learn to see and appreciate the unique strengths of each of their chavrusas and learn how to benefit from their special qualities. Boys may benefit greatly in the long term if they attend a Mesivta that helps them develop these skills, since they are invaluable for success later in life.