This article is geared towards parents who have sons enrolled in a Yeshiva elementary school and are looking for a Mesivta high school. A typical Mesivta expects the high school boys to devote many hours to studying Gemara. General studies (not always offered) are de-emphasized in many Mesivtas. Once they finish Mesivta, most bochurim usually learn several more years in Bais Medrash, possibly in Israel, followed by marriage and some years in Kollel.
Please note that we are not endorsing Mesivta-Bais Medrash-Kollel as the “correct” path. There are other valid choices, which may or may not include a college degree.
Gathering Information
While the application process usually begins after Chanuka, parents ideally should begin their research much earlier. There are two components to the research: understanding the needs of their son and learning what types of Mesivtas are available. At this stage, the object is to decide which type of Mesivta is the most appropriate.
Learning About Your Son
The two major factors that determine which Mesivta is appropriate for a boy are the boy’s level of learning in gemara and the boy’s commitment to learning. Sometime in seventh grade (or earlier), parents should obtain an objective assessment of their son’s learning ability. An experienced Rebbe is able to tell parents how their son’s academic achievement in gemara measures compared to others in his class, grade, and age group. It is most essential that the parents perform this research objectively. Usually, the staff at the boy’s Yeshiva is the best source for this information.
It is more complicated to evaluate a child’s emotional attachment to learning and to the “Yeshivish” lifestyle. Some clues may be obtained by observing the boy’s chevra: are his friends serious learners? How does he spend his free time? A good gauge of a boy’s hasmada is whether he spends some of his “off” time on Shabbos or after hours learning. Rebbeim and the Menahalim may provide helpful knowledge. The Shul’s Rav may also be able to provide insight, since he sees the boy in a variety of contexts. Staff at the boy’s summer camp may also contribute a useful perspective, especially for boys who are unhappy in school.
Know Yourself
Parents need to decide what their own derech or aspirations are for their son in ruchniyus It is not uncommon for a dedicated bochur to eventually surpass the learning level of his father. Although most parents are proud of this achievement, parents need to understand that their child may now follow the hashkafa of the Mesivta. They will need to come to terms with the possibility that he may prefer to avoid participating in family activities that he no longer deems appropriate, for example, watching movies or attending sports events.
In addition, if parents would like their sons to attend college, they should keep this in mind when doing their research. While most Mesivtas do not provide boys with a top notch secular education, they do vary in their attitude towards boys acquiring degrees. It may cause problems to send a boy to a right wing Mesivta and then expect him to go to college. In general, it is best for a boy’s chinuch when the parents and the school share the same objectives.
To Dorm vs. To Commute
This is one of the most important questions in selecting a Mesivta. If the local Mesivtas are not appropriate for one’s child, the boy will have to dorm or to commute. Commuting brings its own challenges. Mesivta hours tend to be long—7:30 am until 9:00 pm is not uncommon. Adding a commute on each end may make the hours intolerable. A commuter may be socially isolated if most of his peers are dorming or attending other Mesivtas. Dorming has its variations: boys may come home every Shabbos, every month, or three times a year.
Prominent Rabbanim and Mechanchim have recommended against high school boys dorming. However, sometimes, the only Mesivta that meets the needs of a boy is located beyond commuting distance. Dorming may be the only option.
Dorming has pros and cons. A dormitory cannot replicate the level of supervision and care that parents typically provide in a family setting. The ready availability of cell phones and ipods (allowing boys to watch movies) brings temptation ever closer. It is easier to experiment with self-destructive behaviors when one is surrounded by others doing the same, and the likelihood of being caught is low. Furthermore, some boys simply cannot manage without parental support or without their private space. In addition, boys with social challenges may suffer greatly when thrown together 24 hours a day with their peers.
Moreover, even well-adjusted boys who are away from home may lose when deprived of their parents’ chinuch and involvement. Derech eretz and life skills are more naturally and successfully instilled by one’s parents. When a boy attends a Mesivta that permits bochurim to return home only a few times a year, the parents essentially give up their role in his life.
On the other hand, dorming in a good quality out-of-town Yeshiva provides bochurim with unparalleled opportunities for solid growth in learning. Away from the distractions of home, living right next to the Bais Medrash, surrounded by peers eager to progress, a boy may rise steadily to his full potential. Socially, too, the dorm provides great bonding and lasting friendships with great boys.
Parents may discover that their son really wants to dorm. Typical reasons include a desire to break with elementary school, a wish to make new friends, to follow older brothers out of the house, or to attend a prestigious Yeshiva. In addition, dorming might be appropriate to remove a child from a sub-optimal situation with parents or siblings.
Types of Mesivta
Today, Mesivtos cater to boys across the spectrum of academic ability and motivation. Apart from the prestigious Mesivtos that select only the top boys, there are right-wing Yeshivish Mesivtos for boys who are motivated but not at the top of their class intellectually. Other Mesivtos specialize in motivating boys who have the ability but not the commitment. There are Mesivtos that work with boys with different emotional or learning challenges. Some Mesivtos work at inculcating a specific derech. There are large Mesivtos and very small ones. Boruch Hashem, there is a tremendous variety and new Mesivtos are opening up all the time. To learn about the newer options, parents should network with friends, mechanchim, and rabbanim. The newer Mesivtos are also likely to advertise in Jewish publications.
Elite Mesivtos: Advantages and Disadvantages
Many parents and boys look forward to enrolling their son in the “best” Mesivta, the Mesivta with the highest standards and the great reputation to which everyone else aspires to send their sons. While these mosdos provide talented and motivated boys with wonderful opportunities to grow in Torah, they are often not equipped to help boys who have social, emotional or hashkafa challenges. It may be difficult for boys with poor social skills to succeed in these Mesivtos, since they rely heavily on long stretches of unstructured learning b’chavrusa. A boy who is unable to network to find good chavrusas is at a disadvantage.
Secular Studies
Some Mesivtos that put a serious emphasis on secular studies are less likely to attract as many students who take their learning extremely seriously. Most bochurim who put the time and effort to excel in their learning are primarily interested in pursuing their Torah studies and finding a career in learning or chinuch. They see no reason to apply to a Mesivta that will force them to study math, science, and language arts.
Parents who want their son to have some exposure to secular studies in Mesivta should investigate this part of the day when researching individual Mesivtos. In practice, Mesivtos vary immensely in what takes place during secular studies periods. While no right wing Mesivta offers a rigorous general studies curriculum, some Mesivtos are stricter than others in enforcing discipline and making sure that their bochurim make the most of what is available.
Researching Individual Mesivtos
Yeshiva Placement Services
There are people who specialize in matching boys to the right Mesivta. These services are useful for parents who are not sure where their son belongs. They have extensive knowledge of different Mesivtos, including the smaller ones, and they are very experienced with children who do not fit the mold. Parents may consult with their Rav or with staff at their son’s elementary school to get in touch with these professionals. It is essential that the placement professional meet with the boy and his parents in order for his advice to be effective. The service, often provided for free, usually includes help in making the placement happen: contacting the school, arranging the interview, and advocating for the child.
Collecting Information
It pays to speak to many people, including parents and mechanchim. When speaking to other parents, keep in mind that their children may be very different from yours, and therefore, their experience may not apply to your son. Boys may wish to speak to older friends who are attending a possible Mesivta choice.
If it is likely that their son will dorm, parents must find as much information as possible about the level of supervision. One question to ask is how the bochurim spend their time on those long Friday nights Shabbos afternoons, and Motzai Shabbosos. Does the Mesivta provide them with enjoyable and wholesome activities or do they just hang out?
Boys usually develop better in a “happy” place. If practical, the father should visit Mesivtos during breaks and recess. Are the boys playing, joking, schmoozing? Maariv is also a good opportunity to learn about the older bochurim. How serious is the davening? How do bochurim react to an unfamiliar adult? Do they offer a chair?
When researching Mesivtos, parents should keep in mind that the character of an institution may change fairly quickly. Information from more than a year or two ago, may be out-of-date. If the Mesivta is new, and especially if it specializes to a specific need, parents must visit the place to ensure that their information is accurate.
The Importance of Chevra
A very important component of the Mesivta’s chinuch is going to be the quality of the boys attending the institution. They have more influence on a child than the staff. Parents should look for a student body that includes boys who learn well and/or have good middos.
Menahel and Rebbeim
Getting off to a good start is important. The ninth grade Rebbe may have a crucial impact on a boy’s success in Mesivta. A warm, welcoming Rebbe may make a huge difference for a nervous ninth grader.
Different Mesivtos have different styles or philosophies in their interaction with bochurim. They range from “hands off” (we provide the setting, you provide the learning) to highly involved (we take responsibility for your success). While boy who are socially, spiritually and intellectually adept will thrive in any setting, boys who have weaknesses may need a Mesivta staff with a great degree of commitment to the talmidim. Problems do arise, and parents may consider it important to know that the Mesivta will do its best to help.
What Resources are Available?
Different boys have different needs. For some, it is important to learn in an environment that includes a vibrant Bais Medrash program. It enhances the Mesivta experience when there are older boys to learn with or just to serve as role models. Some boys may need access to trained professionals to help them overcome their specific challenges, physical, educational, or emotional. A nurturing community may be an asset, too.
The “Square Peg”
In most classes there are a few boys who do not fit in, perhaps because the Yeshiva or class is not a good match for him, or because he has his own challenges. It is especially crucial for these boys to find the right high school, since they are often the most vulnerable. The Menahel and Rebbeim are often able to guide the parents towards Mesivtos that best for their son. Generally, the Menahel has a good feel for which boys will fit into which Mesivtos. However, for some boys, there are no easy answers. Parents may be uncomfortable with the Menahel’s recommendation. Parents may know their son better or they may be biased. In this situation, it may be best to consult an outsider—a Yeshiva placement service or a Rav who is familiar with the student.
The Application Process
Elementary schools usually encourage parents to wait until after Chanuka before applying to Mesivtos. Parents typically set an appointment with their son’s Menahel to ask for his advice about which Mesivta(s) are appropriate for their son. An experienced Menahel will have a good idea as to which institutions will be likely to accept their child.
Once the parents have decided which Mesivta(s) they would like for their son, they need to contact the Mesivta to procure an application form. It is wise to apply to more than one Mesivta. Even well-qualified candidates are not guaranteed a place in the Mesivta of their choice. Mesivtos often are looking for specific qualities beyond raw learning ability. These chinuch institutions may prefer to stick with a certain type of child whom they know they may educate successfully. Moreover, certain Mesivtos receive so many applications that they must reject promising applicants. It is probably better to apply to no more than three places, since the farhers are stressful for both the father and the son.
The application process involves two parts: the parents complete their forms and the elementary school sends the boy’s information. The Mesivta may contact the Menahel and/or Rebbeim to find out more information about the boy. It is at the discretion of the school staff to decide whether to “push” for the boy’s admission or to hint that this is not a good fit. This is one reason to heed the Menahel’s recommendations about which Mesivtos would be most suitable for one’s child.
Dormitory Mesivtos mandate that each applicant spend a Shabbos there. Spending Shabbos at the Mesivta is an effective way to study the dynamics of the place.
The Farher
After the Mesivta processes the boy’s application they contact the family to schedule a farher or interview/oral examination. Most Mesivtos allow boys to select the gemara on which they will be tested. It is a good idea to ask how much material they expect the boy to prepare: it may range from an amud to a daf. Boys are usually asked a few general questions, too. The higher the level of the Mesivta, the tougher the farher. In such Mesivtos, the interviewer is more likely to ask difficult havana-related (comprehension) questions in order to learn how the boy thinks.
Some Mesivtos expect less from the boy at the farher; they want to know the boy’s strengths and weaknesses. Some of these Mesivtos are willing to rely on the report card and the Rebbe’s report rather than subject the boy to a formal farher.
Both the father and the son should dress to match the Mesivta’s style. The father is expected to stay in the background. If the boy is not too nervous, he should try to be open and willing to express himself. Parents should be aware that farherers are usually highly experienced; often interviewing 150 boys a year. They should not think that they can fool the farherer into thinking that their son is something he is not. If the boy has not been working seriously on his gemara in seventh and eighth grade, he cannot compensate by preparing intensively just for the farher. That said, it is essential that the boy know the specific piece of gemara he is being tested on as thoroughly as possible. He only has one oral exam.
An added source of stress during the application process is that some Mesivtos provide their answers earlier than others. Some boys wait until April. It is tough for a boy to wait weeks for a reply, knowing that his classmates have already been accepted into the Mesivtos that they have chosen.
Making the choice
If a student has been accepted into more than one Mesivta, parents need to decide how to choose. At this point, it may be easiest to let the boy himself decide; if the boy knows that it was his decision, he will be more likely to make it a success. Boys often want to go with their friends. There are advantages to starting in a new place with some friends. While boys make new friends easily in Mesivta, given the crucial role that chevra plays in a person’s development, parents who are happy with their son’s current chevra may prefer the security of knowing he is with good friends rather than relying on the unknown type of friends he will find. The best insurance is to send your son to a place where you have some knowledge about who else is going.
One factor in favor of choosing the highest level Mesivta is that generally, the higher the level of the learning, the higher the quality of the boys. While bad influences may exist in every Mesivta, there are likely to be fewer where the boys have the commitment to take their learning seriously enough to be admitted into an elite institution.
Potential Consequences of a Wrong Placement
When a boy is placed in a Mesivta beyond his academic level, the boy may manage to “hold on” at the beginning, in ninth grade, since boys start out roughly at the same level. As the years progress, the brighter boys will pull ahead, advancing steadily in their ability to learn and in their commitment to learning. Meanwhile, the weaker boy will experience growing levels of frustration, anger, and depression as he simply cannot make the grade. Frustrated in his Mesivta life, the boy may turn to outside distractions: media, stimulants and inappropriate activities.
A boy whose academic ability entitles him to a place at an elite Mesivta, but whose aspirations do not match those of the more Yeshivish boys may feel increasingly alienated from the learning and the spirit in the Mesivta. He will not meet his emotional and spiritual needs. On the other hand, a boy who has great aptitude in learning but a lower level of commitment may find the shiur in a lower level Mesivta boring, because it was designed for boys who find learning gemara challenging. Boredom in shiur is demotivating, too. Unfortunately, for some boys, there are no easy answers.
In general, a boy who is enrolled in a Mesivta that is beyond his level is liable to suffer long term psychological and/or spiritual damage. That said, a highly motivated boy may succeed in an elite Mesivta despite being on a lower level academically, as long as he is able to handle being at the bottom of the class. Such a boy may thrive in the atmosphere of the Yeshiva and benefit from the good chaverim to be found there. Parents must consult carefully with their son’s Rebbeim before making such a decision.
Switching Mesivtos
Transferring from one Mesivta to another is feasible, but this might require persistence on the part of the parents, since many Mesivtos discourage applications from transfers. A boy may develop during his high school years and desire a more challenging curriculum. Sometimes, it is clear that a boy tried to succeed in his Mesivta, but it simply “wasn’t a good shidduch”. If the boy’s current Mesivta respects him, they may facilitate his switching. Boys do change during their high school years, and the Mesivta that was right when he was thirteen may not work for him when he is fifteen. Parents may benefit from consulting with organizations that help with Yeshiva placements to facilitate the switch.
Choosing a Mesivta—An Opportunity for Growth
Elementary school often has an unavoidable “one size fits all” aspect, since younger children are not going to dorm and commuting is more difficult for them. Therefore, a variety of children are forced together for nine years. When the high school years approach, the parents and their son should look for a school that fits their son’s personality, hashkafa, and academic level more closely. Once their son passes through the adjustment period, he may find it exhilarating to finally attend the place where he belongs. With Hashem’s help, parents will enjoy the nachas of seeing their son develop into the person he is meant to grow into.