Getting Along Better with the Kids–Tips for Reducing Frustration

 

Spending a productive day with kids involves juggling housework, errands, “fire-fighting,” and also parenting.  In this article, which was compiled through interviews with experienced parents, we provide some ideas for minimizing the stress in order to enjoy one’s children more.

Understanding One’s Challenging Child(ren)

Children have different personalities. .  Even children who are “normal” may have trouble fitting into a schedule or adopting effective self-help, social, or academic strategies, no matter how skillful their parents’ chinuch techniques.  To avoid constant frustration, parents need to work around these children, ideally without judging them.

All children have their stronger and weaker areas.  If parents realize that their child is challenging than the norm, they should try to learn why.  The pediatrician might provide insights, but it may be necessary to have the child professionally evaluated.  Attention problems (ADD, ADHD), anxiety, and sensory integration deficits may lead to disruptive, uncooperative behavior.  There are situations in which parents might want to lower their expectations: spiritual, academic, and/or social, to avoid overburdening themselves, the child, and the rest of the family.

Setting a Realistic Schedule

Setting a schedule makes a big difference; parents have some control even on the smallest children by setting their nap and bed times.  Parents must decide their preferences: do they want the children in bed early and up early in the morning or up late and sleeping late.

 

When the children are little, it is best to set expectations low.  Before planning a series of errands, think about how much stress the children are able to handle.  Where possible, parents should set their schedules around the children’s nap times.  This may involve being “locked” in the house while the little ones nap, but it reduces the likelihood of frustrating trips with hungry, overtired children and irritated fellow shoppers.

 

Schedules should be communicated to the older children so that they know what to expect and to give them the opportunity to contribute feedback (e.g., forgotten deadlines, playdates, shopping for urgently needed items.)

Positive Reinforcement

Praise is very effective for modifying children’s behavior.  Partial praise for partial achievement or praising for effort allows children to feel rewarded even when they did not meet the goal.  Rewarding children with a one on one treat is particularly valuable for the older children in a family, since they are often saddled with more responsibility and may feel that their needs are overlooked.  These need not be expensive outings; errands followed by a slurpee may do the trick.  Parents may also recognize hard-working older children by granting them extra privileges.

 

Charts and other incentive systems work for many children.  Raffle tickets are one way to keep track of “points”.  When designing the system, parents need to think through how often prizes should be dispensed and how valuable they should be.

More Effective Nagging

Verbal directions should always be given in a calm, matter of fact voice.  Reminders should be polite but concise to avoid embarrassing or “bothering” the child.  Yelling is rarely effective; neither are lectures.  Immediate consequences for failing to meet expectations work better, provided that they are given with a minimum of ill feeling: “I’d really like to read you a story, but you know the rules…”  In general, positive communication should be delivered with passion and enthusiasm, and negative feedback in a neutral tone.

Mentioning the positive achievements of the week at the Shabbos table (e.g. Yoni put away his clothing every night this week) further reinforces the positive.

The Importance of Mentors/Buddies

It is very useful to touch base regularly with experienced parents and/or educators (including play group morahs) to ensure that parental expectations are based on reality.   For example, while a three year old is physically capable of picking after him/herself, are three year olds really picking up on their own after playing?  Before setting new goals for the children as they grow, it is best to check that they are truly age appropriate for their social context.  Mentors are especially valuable when they have experience with children similar to one’s own; otherwise, the guidance may be misleading since so much depends on children’s innate temperament and abilities.

 

Speaking to peers also gives parents a reality check about their expectations.  Unhappiness may be avoided if parents realize that they have been aiming too high, e.g. chessed or communal activities plus learning plus maintaining a household with this number of children. The moral support derived from regular interaction with a friend is also very valuable.

 

Avoiding Conflict

With some children, conflicts arise regularly in specific areas: food, bedtime, hygiene, mitzvah observance, etc.  While parents need to set boundaries and assert their authority over their children, it is not beneficial for the children or the parents to engage in daily battles.  It is a good idea for parents to think over the following questions:

• How important is the issue?  Perhaps a compromise may be reached.  Perhaps a short break before completing the homework; perhaps the child can skip some of the supper.

• Why is the child balking?  Are the tzitzes/tights making him/her uncomfortable?  Is s/she scared of the dark?  Does s/he have a food intolerance?

For older children, it may be appropriate to give the child a day or two to formulate why she/he does not want to obey.  This allows both parties to cool off and settle the matter in a more mature fashion.

• Why is the parent pressing the issue?  Is it purely out of concern for the child’s welfare?  Keeping up appearances with the neighbors?

It is best to try to defuse these issues by referring to a professional: a pediatrician, therapist, nutritionist, Morah, Rebbe, or the family Rav.  Mitzva observance by the young is a halachic question like any other, to be referred to a Rav;  the psak usually depends on the individual situation.  If parents see that their child is spiritually less motivated, they should consult a Rav who is experienced in chinuch matters before trying to “stretch” his/her observance.

Recreational Trips

When taking the children out for a treat, keep in mind costs vs. benefits, cost including wear and tear on the family.  For example, the more exciting place may be further away, subjecting the family to longer time in the car and returning later in the day.  Is it worth it to end a wonderful excursion with tantrums?  In general, it is better to take younger children to simpler, smaller attractions, such as local parks and petting zoos, rather than to major attractions which are more likely to be crowded and over-stimulating.  Always keep in mind the children’s tastes when planning outings, especially as they get older.

Miscellaneous Tips

Take Care of Mother

A calm mother is a more effective parent.  Mothers need time for themselves, whether an hour reading a book with the door closed, regular attendance at a shiur, going to events, or working out at a gym.

When Frustrations Levels Rise

Turning on some lively music for ten to fifteen minutes may be effective when things are out of hand.  Encourage everyone to move to the beat—use up the energy and bring out the smiles.

Alternatively, it may be helpful for the parent to give him/herself a timeout.  Twenty minutes sitting quietly on a recliner may be a mood changer for a fed-up parent.  Where feasible, asking the other parent to take over handling a difficult situation may be enough to change the dynamics for the better.

Have a Backup Supper

When children are not willing to eat the family’s supper, provide them with an established alternative, e.g. breakfast cereal or bread with a spread.  The alternative should be reasonably nutritious, but not especially enticing.

Avoid Negotiating with Small Children

When bedtime arrives, it is more effective to remove the little child from the “action” and bring him/her to the bedtime area rather than arguing about it.  In general, conflict is minimized when parents stick to the routine and avoid making exceptions.

Keep the Troops Fed

Bring a supply of snacks and water when leaving the house, even for short errands.  Children have unpredictable appetites, and eating before leaving may not be sufficient.

Be Careful with Rules

Both parents and children need to save face when there is a conflict.  The more rules parents establish, the less room there is for flexibility and negotiation.  Avoid using words such as “never’ and “always” when explaining the rules.  Consequences also need to be thought through since if they are not enforced, parents lose authority; but if enforced, they may cause too much anger in the child.