The arrival of a new sibling is always an upheaval in the lives of older brothers and sisters. For some siblings, it may be a source of stress and even grief. We compiled tips from experienced parents to help the siblings share in the joy of their expanded family and ease the adjustment.
Preparing for the Birth
Most parents have a policy of not letting their children know about a pregnancy until very late. This makes it easier to cope with a miscarriage, chas v’shalom, and also spares the children the long wait for the arrival of the baby. Older children may guess much sooner. Telling them earlier is a parental boundaries issue—some parents share more information with their children than others.
New baby books are helpful, both before and after the baby arrives. The public libraries are usually well stocked with these.
It is a wise precaution to make arrangements in advance for someone to sleep at the house if labor starts at night. Ideally, the children should know and feel comfortable with this adult. It is also a good idea to “break in” new help before the baby arrives.
Reuniting with Imma
When the mother returns from the hospital, it is best if the children see her first without the baby. This allows the other children to re-establish their bond. Younger children should have priority. For a two year old, the mother’s absence for two days feels like a month. If children are brought to see Imma in the hospital, the visit should be kept brief so as not to over-tire the recovering mother.
Presents
In many families, it is customary to have the baby “give” presents to the siblings, at least to the younger ones. Even a token gift generates good will and creates positive memories. It is useful for friends and family to give a present to youngest sibling who is more likely to appreciate it, rather than giving yet another “baby” present.
Grandparents
Many parents ask grandparents live in the house for the first few weeks after the baby is born. This allows the family to maintain its routines and older children to stay in school. Some parents send younger children to the grandparents instead. In general, it is better for the siblings if the grandparents help with the baby so that their mother is able to give them personal attention.
The Transition Period
The needs of healthy newborns are limited—they require feeding and changing and lots of sleep. This is a good time to bond more closely with the siblings, since the baby is not getting into mischief. Mother should avoid giving the baby “unnecessary” attention in the presence of the other children.
For children under age two, the transition is much easier, because at that age, children are not so aware of their position in the family. They may notice and resent, however, that Imma is caring for the baby when they themselves need something. Age three and older, resentment may intensify because the three year old is aware of the privileges he/she is losing as the youngest in the family.
A child below school age spends considerable time in the house with mother. While the mother feeds the baby, she is able to interact with this child. Once children attend even pre-school, they have much less opportunity to spend time with their parents. The new baby reduces available time and attention even further. Thus, older children sometimes feel more excluded than the toddler.
With a C-section, Imma is not allowed to lift anyone or anything heavier than the baby. In that case, it is preferable that the mother explain to the younger siblings that Imma was hurt and is temporarily unable to lift them or let them sit on her lap. It is best to avoid “blaming” or connecting the “injury” with the baby. The older siblings become more important here, since they are useful for bending and fetching; lavish praise as mitzvah boy/girl is helpful.
Easing the adjustment
The children may all need one on one time, preferably with their mother. Even reading a story together for ten minutes makes a difference. Parents should make a point of telling each child how important they are.
A useful technique for parents is reflective listening: “You’re angry because I can’t get you a juice right now.” This type of listening lets children know that their parent is listening to them without judging or criticizing. It encourages the child to speak freely, which is especially important when he or she may be feeling neglected or ignored.
Mothers should also consider talking to the baby about his/her siblings rather than about the baby. For example, instead of chatting about the diaper change, Imma might say, in the same tone of voice, “Yossi just brought you a diaper. He’s been so patient while I’m taking care of you.” Or, when the baby is crying, instead of saying, “Wait, I’m coming, I’m coming,” the parent may say, “Yossi needs me right now; I’ll take care of you when I’m finished with him.” Aside from giving “Yossi” the attention, this also demonstrates to Yossi that the baby’s needs do not always override his needs. And, as far as the baby goes, there is no difference: he/she is hearing a caring tone of voice and is not cognizant of the words.
Involving the Kids
Generally, children are excited and happy to be involved as helpers. It is easier to share the simcha if one is part of the simcha. Children from age three and up are able to get supplies, rock the baby, wind the swing, and make the baby smile. Daughters often enjoy mothering; the baby may bond with an older sister who is four years old. Rather than telling the youngest sibling to keep his/her hands off the baby, parents might guide the little one’s hands away from the face, showing where they make “make nice” to the baby. Positive verbal reinforcement makes a big difference here. Parents may also go shopping for baby clothes with the siblings, and they may recruit the older children to help prepare the shalom zachor, the wacht nach treat bags, or the kiddush.
Older siblings often feel empowered by the arrival of the baby, since they are given more responsibility. They may, however, act out in school. Teachers should be informed in advance so they know to give the siblings extra attention.
Note: For safety reasons, the baby should not be left unattended with very young siblings, who may accidentally hurt him/her as they do not understand the implications of their acts.
When the Baby is Colicky
A colicky baby puts the entire family under stress. If the parents are able to afford help, they should hire someone to take care of the baby during the crucial one or two hours when the older children need the most attention. If the family cannot afford to pay for it, they should look for a volunteer. There is no shame is asking for help in this situation. A responsible girl (non-family member) may be used to hold the baby for an hour or two in some remote part of house.
Reduce Stress
It makes it easier on the whole family if the mother cuts back on “extras”: fancy meals, entertaining, and the like, for the first months after the baby’s arrival. When neighbors volunteer to help, it is appropriate to accept their offers. Everyone has their times to give and to take. Neighbors will feel more comfortable accepting one’s own offers for help if one has accepted their help in the past.