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The Fussy Infant/Child

Some parents are blessed with an infant who sleeps, eats, meets his/her developmental milestones, coos, and rarely cries. Other children are more challenging.  Friends, relatives, and passers-by often offer conflicting advice.  Parents may feel very confused: which advice should they trust and where should they go for help?

Does Your Young Child Need Help?

The purpose of this article is to provide parents with some concrete information about developmental milestones and “red flags”. If a child displays some of the “red flags” listed here, it may be appropriate to have the child evaluated by a child study team or by a specialist in the area of concern.  Either the parents’ concerns will be alleviated through the evaluation or the evaluator(s) will recommend intervention.  When treated early, many problems may be eased helping the child and his/her family to a happier and more successful future.

The information in this article was collected through interviews with occupational therapists in our community.  In addition, we drew on the experiences of parents who have raised special needs children.

Developmental Milestones and Red Flags for Babies

Children develop at different rates.  Some children are significantly delayed in a specific area and catch up without intervention.  The information provided below is meant to familiarize parents with the standard pattern of development and significant red flags.   Parents should use their own judgment about intervening when their child is behind in developmental milestones.  The red flags, however, are more serious indicators that the child needs help.

Social and Verbal Milestones

At around six weeks, a baby is usually smiling and interacting socially.  Over the next few months, a variety of non-verbal signs of social engagement should appear, including imitation, cooing, and eye contact.

Babies begin babbling by age six months.  Communicative words such as “mama” or “dada” usually emerge before eleven months and two word sentences by eighteen months.  Two year olds typically use multi-word phrases and constantly add to their vocabulary.

Gross and Fine Motor Milestones

Infants are expected to begin rolling over at five months.  By eight months, a baby should be able to assume a sitting position.  Usually, crawling begins at eight months and walking at twelve months.  By one year, babies should also be using the first finger and the thumb (a pincer grasp) when reaching for small objects like cheerios.

Note:  In order to achieve these milestones on schedule, babies need “tummy time,” in which they are left on their stomachs.  Placing infants on their stomachs encourages them to push up with their arms.  This helps build strength and coordination in the trunk, the arms and the shoulders.

Visual Tracking

Newborns are programmed to gaze at their mother’s face when nursing.  By two months, infants are usually swatting at objects nearby.  Visual tracking should be firmly established, both vertically and horizontally by three to four months.  There are a variety of causes when the infant does not focus, including lack of interest, poor vision or visual processing, and difficulty coordinating the eye muscles.

Behavior

When a baby is unusually fussy or unusually passive, it may be symptomatic of an underlying problem.  Babies who have trouble regulating their arousal level are hard to calm once they are aroused.

Sensory Processing Problems

Some children have trouble processing the information that comes through their senses. These children may also be deficient in body awareness, the ability to “feel their body”.  Often, children with these problems have weak muscles (low muscle tone).  In some children, the symptoms may display themselves through delays in achieving standard developmental milestones, such as walking or coloring.  Other children meet their developmental milestones, but show differences in their behavior.  Whether the child is delayed or the child exhibits unusual behavior, he/she may need the intervention of an occupational therapist (OT).

A child with untreated sensory disorders may have problems with social interaction, attention, and/or physical coordination.  Such children may suffer in school from loneliness, bullying, and academic failure.  Depending on the severity of the symptoms, the child may experience difficulty functioning in a yeshiva or in any mainstream setting.

Hypersensitivity

Children with sensory processing disorders may display extreme reactions to stimuli: they under- or over-react to input from their senses.  For example, they might want their bath water very hot or very cold.  They may restrict themselves to very few foods, refusing to eat anything that tastes or feels even slightly different.  Sensory defensiveness may lead the child to reject being touched, even by their parents.  Clothing may be a problem; the child may refuse to have certain materials touch the skin.  Such children may also find it impossible to tolerate noises, such as a vacuum cleaner or other household appliances.  Handling crowds may also be exceptionally challenging.

Speech and Oral Stimulation

Speech delays may occur when a child cannot feel his/her tongue or lips.  Low muscle tone in the jaw and lips may lead to open mouths and drooling.  A need for oral stimulation may cause children to feel a constant need to chew on their toys.

Gross and Fine Motor Skills

Sensory disorders often prevent preschoolers from achieving fine and gross motor milestones at the appropriate age.  The child may be clumsy, often bumping into things.  He/she may be viewed as aggressive, since he/she pushes or squeezes too hard.   The crayon may be fisted rather than grasped between the thumb and the fingers.  The child may also have difficulty playing with blocks, assembling puzzles, or coloring within shapes.

Establishing a Dominance

Normally, children establish a dominant hand that they use eighty percent of the time, by about age three.  It is still normal at that age to switch hands from time to time for convenience or when the dominant hand tires.  However, by age six, children are expected to be using the dominant hand consistently from the beginning to the end of a task.  When children are still using both hands equally, it may be a sign of problems such as low muscle tone in the hands.  “Ambidextrous” children may experience delays in acquiring fine motor skills, including writing.

Attention Disorders

By age three, a child should be able to sit and listen to a book or a story.  He/she should be able to attend a playgroup for a few hours a day.  Sensory processing difficulties can interfere with this.  They may lead to anxiety, unpredictable behavior, and extreme emotional reactions.  The child may be developmentally on track, but unable to function in an age-appropriate manner because he/she is distracted by outside stimuli and/or is uncomfortable with his/her own body.  In short, the child may be exceptionally bright and talented, but he/she may be unable to attain the calm, alert state that is essential for learning.  This may be misinterpreted as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) even when the child does not suffer from attention disorders.  However, it should be noted that children with sensory processing issues often suffer from ADD/ADHD as well.

Behavior

Maintaining appropriate behavior may be a tremendous challenge for children with sensory disorders.  As they are often hypersensitive to many different stimuli, they are constantly being aroused by sounds, smells, touches, or textures that barely register with other people.  Moreover, they have special problems in self-regulation: they cannot calm themselves easily, they have trouble dealing with disappointment, they have low tolerance for frustration, and they do not adjust easily to new situations.  This may lead to frequent and severe tantrums.

Social Issues

When children suffer from sensory disorders, they are likely to suffer social rejection.  Speech and language delays hinder children from being able to express themselves well verbally.  This slows social integration.  Since they are more emotionally unpredictable and extreme, they are more likely to fight with their peers.

Moreover, since these children often cannot handle their own bodies properly, they are more likely to inadvertently invade other children’s space.  On the other hand, they cannot tolerate it when other children are too close to them, such as when standing on line.  In general, they are more likely to overreact to sensory input from a normal classroom setting.  This may lead to inappropriate conduct and negative interactions with classmates, teachers and other authority figures.

Summing It Up

Significant Red Flags for Infants

At this early age, it is difficult to determine the cause of a child’s developmental delays or his/her unusual behavior.  However, the most striking red flags for babies include lack of social engagement, severe delays in developmental milestones, and absence of visual tracking.

Older Children

If your child displays many of the red flags, behavioral issues and/or delays described above, it may be appropriate to seek help.

Early intervention desensitizes a child’s nervous system, allowing him/her to tolerate more stimuli and behave in a more appropriate manner.  Intervention also helps a child “catch up” and makes it easier for the child to fit in socially and academically.

Getting Help

Speaking to the Pediatrician

While many pediatricians are well versed in the developmental milestones and sensory processing, others may not have been trained to detect social or motor delays.  Developmental pediatricians specialize in these areas and may be helpful to parents who are not sure whether their child is just a little late or needs help.  

Tapping into the Public School System

Parents who suspect that their child needs help can request a free evaluation depending on which city or state they live in.  It may be necessary to contact the local public school or board of education to find out which services are available.  There are organizations devoted to helping children with special needs; it may be helpful to tap into them.

If the parents cannot obtain a free evaluation from their local school system, they should look into going the private route to have their child evaluated by a speech, physical, or occupational therapist.  For more complicated situations, it may be necessary to bring in a neurologist.  Insurance may be able to help defray the costs.  While the cost of evaluation and therapy may be large, later interventions are likely to be more costly, financially and emotionally.

 

Navigating Carpool

 

Carpool is a fact of life for parents of school age children in our community.  For some families, carpools cement friendships and provide important support.  For others, car pools are yet another source of aggravation.  We thought it would be helpful to provide tips from seasoned parents and from school personnel to help make car pool a positive force in a family’s life.

Follow Your own Family’s Style

Car pooling is not for everyone, and there is no obligation to participate in one.  Joining a car pool precludes walking with one’s children or spending quality time with them.  For children with social challenges, car pool may be too difficult to manage on top of  the other challenges of school.  Some families find that morning car pool is too much of a hassle and opt to do the drive themselves.

 

Factors to Consider in Setting Up a Carpool

Finding a carpool usually means networking: informing neighbors, friends, and the parents of one’s children’s classmates that one is looking for partners.  The factors listed below may be helpful to raise awareness of where conflicts may occur.

Geography

This is probably the most important factor in car pooling.  Pickup and drop off are immensely easier when children are within very close walking distance.  For example, when the car poolers are neighbors, a child may stay at the driver’s house until his/her parent returns from another carpool.  When neighbors are not available for car pooling, one should take into account traffic patterns.  Some streets are much more difficult to cross between 8:30 and 9:00 am than others.  This may add more stress to the weekday morning routine.

Size

Larger carpools are more efficient, enabling participants to make fewer drives.  However, they are more complicated, since there are more variables.  Moreover, some drivers might find it challenging to cope with a mini-van or fifteen seater full of lively children.  Shy, small, or timid children may feel safer in a smaller car with fewer children.

Attitudes and Standards

Carpools are more harmonious when all members share the same safety standards.  Parents avoid grief if they know in advance that everyone feels the same about seat belts, booster seats, under 12’s in the front seat, and driving style.  (Note: The authors are NOT condoning illegal driving practices)  In the area of promptness, too, people have different standards.  Some parents consider it crucial to be on time; others are more relaxed by nature and will resent being “bullied” into promptitude.

The underlying attitude towards carpool and child rearing also matters.  For some parents, the parents’ convenience comes first and the children have to adapt.  For example, such parents have the children meet them a block away from school, so as to avoid the time consuming carpool line.  For other parents, the convenience and comfort of the children come first.  It is a good idea to know where potential car pool partners stand on this spectrum and avoid surprises.

The afternoon driver may find it convenient to arrive late, toward the end of the car pool time, when the lines are much shorter.  It is appropriate to discuss this first with the other car pool members, since the other parents may resent their children being brought home late in order to suit the driver’s convenience.

Managing the Relationships

It is best, for the long term stability of the carpool, to maintain an attitude of flexibility about doing favors and reciprocating favors.  Carpool members will need time off because of births, illness, work situations, and the like.  A strict tit-for-tat attitude may lead to ill feeling.  On the other hand, car pools may fall apart if members feel “used”.

Promptness is often a sore point in car pool relationships.  Parents and children resent it when the children are regularly late for school.  For younger children, arriving late can disrupt the rest of their day.  Older boys miss the beginning of Minyan.  Having to stop at the office to get a late pass may be embarrassing.

Lateness is also resented at dismissal.  Children are tired and want to go home.  Teachers or principals who take care of dismissal do not appreciate having to wait for late comers.  If something unusual comes up, it is considerate to either have a friend do the carpool or contact the school so that they know you will be delayed.

Car pool members should be informed about health issues of the children they will drive, since they may manifest themselves, especially during the dismissal run after the long school day.  This includes allergies, diabetes, and behavior challenges.

It may be helpful if drivers spend some time in the back of their vehicle to experience its condition for themselves.  Garbage, smells, poor climate control: these all may affect the behavior of the children who sit there during car pool.

Misbehavior

When children misbehave in the car, it is best for the driver to try to handle this him/herself through humor or redirection.  If the behavior continues to deteriorate, it may be appropriate to speak to the parents of the offender(s).  When parents learn only at the end of the year about their offspring’s misbehavior, they resent the delay.  Their child has been deprived of the benefit of having his/her parents help him/her learn to behave.  Moreover, the information might be needed to fill in a picture about the child’s emotional challenges.

At the School 

At every school, car pool involves a line of cars waiting to get close to the building to drop off or to collect the kids.  There are usually one or more monitors, whose role is to direct traffic, identify which children are to be picked up, make sure the children leave the car safely, and enforce rules.  It is crucial for the smooth operating of the carpool process that everyone follow the rules and obey the directions of the monitors.  View car pool as a gigantic machine in which every driver and every child is a cog.  When all the cogs function appropriately, the machine operates safely, effectively, and quickly.  When drivers maneuver for their own advantage, they “gum up the works,” and possibly compromise the safety of the children.

Some Rules for the Carpool Lane

  • Don’t drive distracted; don’t talk on the cell phone.  There is usually a turn on the car pool line.  When drivers are distracted, they zig zag or maneuver the wrong way.  This may inconvenience other drivers and even present safety hazards.  Drivers need to be alert for the unexpected.  While most cars load from the side door, there are station wagons which load from the back.  The driver of the car behind such a vehicle needs to be aware that children will enter or exit the vehicle between their two cars.
  • Pay attention.  Drivers engrossed in their schmoozing or in their Tehillim are more likely to not realize when their car is full or that someone is missing.  This leads to unnecessary delays.
  • Don’t call out to children.  Part of the task of car pool monitor is to make sure that kids do not wander off on their own into the traffic lane.  When parents call out to their children, the children are likely to get confused and run into traffic.
  • Avoid unnecessary maneuvers near the car pool lanes, such as K turns.  Backing up may also complicate matters.  Drive slowly while approaching the school, 15MPH maximum.  Obey the traffic directors.
  • Discharge/pickup children only when the car is in the designated lane.  Children should enter the car only from the passenger side next to the sidewalk.  When children enter/exit the car on the driver side, they are exposed to traffic from cars in the “driving” lane.  It is also dangerous for children to return to the car (to get something) once they have exited, since the car may have moved by then and reentering may involve crossing into traffic.
  • Inform the alternate driver.  On holidays, schedules change and the other spouse, typically the husband, may pick up the children from school.  This may lead to chaos as this driver does not know whom to pick up.
  • If possible, avoid bringing the 15-seater van to carpool.  It is clumsy to maneuver and takes up extra parking space.  Backing up these vehicles can be dangerous.

 

Tips for Smooth Carpooling

If a parent needs to pull a child out of school early, he/she should inform the afternoon carpool.  A message left with the office may not reach the carpool monitors until the carpool has been waiting fifteen minutes.

Schedule car pool on a day when there is help in the house.  This way, young children do not need to be taken along and there is someone home when another child’s car pool arrives.  In addition, parents who might be late to meet their child may have that child dropped off last.

Bring the children’s favorite music or story recording along.  Make sure that the recording is appropriate for all car pool members; families have different standards.  (Drivers who listen to the radio may wish to consult with the other parents about their listening policies.)  Some drivers hand out snacks to encourage the children to behave.  This should be discussed in advance with the other parents, since they will be under pressure to do the same.  While some parents might prefer to avoid having their children snack during carpool, this may be the only way to handle the situation if there is a particularly challenging child in the car pool.

Avoid extra stops on the way back from school.  Some children need very badly to return home as soon as possible, for a variety of reasons, i.e. a doctor’s appointment.  If an extra stop is needed, it is considerate to clear it first with the other parents.

Seating arrangements may cause tension.  Certain seats, such as the ones next to the window or closer to the front may be considered more desirable.  Some children may prefer to not to sit next to each other or next to a baby.  One solution is to create a written rotation system to determine who sits where and when.  It may lead to more of a feeling of fairness if all families in the car pool adopt a similar rotation system.

If the car pool pickup involves the children meeting the car away the school (assuming that the school permits this arrangement), contingency plans are needed in case of rain, snow, or ice on the ground.  Everyone also needs to agree on the definition of rain—is it a flooding downpour, a heavy drizzle, or something in between.  Otherwise, some children will wait at the school to be picked up and others will walk to the rendezvous spot.

Instituting a fixed waiting time for pickup may reduce tension and lateness.  Before the school year begins, car pool members may determine that each driver will wait a pre-specified number of minutes before driving off without the child.  By instituting such a rule before the school year begins, car pool members avoid making late children feel singled out.

Car pools for older children may be treated more like a bus service.  If the members live near each other, the children may be instructed to be at the driver’s house by a specific time.  If the child is late, the child has “missed the bus” and is responsible for finding an alternative method to school.

Avoid getting ticketed.  Police often cruise around at carpool time watching for violators.  Tickets are typically issued for traffic violations (stop signs, speeding, signaling), cell phone usage, and car seat/seat belt infractions.  Apart from making them late for school, having their car pulled over by the police may be a nasty experience for the children, and this may upset their whole day.

To Tell the Children

The driver of the car is the boss.  Children must understand that they have to conform to the driver’s safety standards even if they are stricter than those in their own family.  For example, many parents do not enforce car seat rules after pre-school, even though legally, booster seats are required until age 8.  Parents should reinforce the importance of obedience to the other car pool drivers in areas of behavior, too.

Pay attention to the carpool announcer.  It is frustrating for those already in the car and for the carpools awaiting their turn when a child doesn’t show up.  Designating a fellow car pooler to fetch an incurably absent-minded child may alleviate this problem.  The designee should know to return in a set time in case the absent-minded child appears on his/her own.

It is more pleasant for the driver when the children are taught to be courteous: to say thank you, have a good day, and so forth.  Children should ask whether or not they need to shut the door.  When children are used to a car that closes the doors automatically, they never acquire the habit of shutting the door.  This leads to the car pool driver having to get out of the car in order to close the door after the children have run off to school.

Car Pool Time as an Opportunity

Conveying one’s children to and from school is a daily challenge for parents.  It may be helpful to view this experience as a chinuch opportunity rather than merely as a necessity.  There are many rules involved in driving to and from school: traffic laws and school rules.  Children are aware of these rules.  They also notice how we comply.  We may inculcate derech eretz, consideration for others, cooperation, and respect for the law by demonstrating how we value these qualities by putting them into practice, day after day, throughout the school year.

The Babysitting Scene

Babysitting by teenagers is an important part of the community infrastructure for young families.  Unless extended family lives nearby, hiring a teen babysitter may be the only way that parents can go out at night, whether to a Simcha, to shop, or to important meetings.  We researched the babysitting situation in our community in order to find the unwritten rules and expectations that govern the interaction between the parents who hire the babysitter, the babysitter, and the parents of the babysitter.  We hope that sharing this information will help each of these parties understand the needs of the others.  Note: since most babysitters are girls, we will use female pronouns for the most part.

Background Information

Children typically begin babysitting at age thirteen, although some girls start at age twelve.  Younger babysitters are paid less than older, experienced sitters.  The advantage of hiring younger babysitters is that they are more available and they are more likely to play with the children.  It is wise, however, for parents to use them at first on a trial basis, for shorter jobs, since twelve year olds vary considerably in their maturity level.  Most girls stop babysitting once they are out of high school.

Hiring Boys

Boys are much less available than girls for babysitting, since they often attend out-of-town Mesivtas, or are expected to spend long hours at their local Mesivta.  Additionally, minyan for Mincha and Maariv usually occurs during babysitting hours.

Boys can make great babysitters. For instance, boys relate to boys better and they are more likely to enjoy sports and the like together.   However, for various reasons, it is best to hire a boy only when all the children in the family are boys.  Yichud issues may apply when there are girls over age three.

Finding a Babysitter

When looking for a babysitter, parents usually begin by calling neighbors and friends with older children.  Parents blessed with such resources are fortunate, because they know the babysitter and the babysitter knows them and their children.

A problem arises when parents need to reach beyond their social circle.  Typically, they call the girls they usually hire, and these girls provide the names of friends who babysit.  Another option for finding babysitters is to network with women who work in the high schools.  There are girls in town who are not receiving babysitting requests.  Moros might be willing to ask in class for girls who would like more babysitting opportunities and give their names to parents.

Parents have to decide whether they are willing to hire a babysitter whom they do not know.  If the babysitter is from the “wrong” crowd, they might find that their children have been exposed to ideas or language that they consider inappropriate.

On the other hand, most parents of babysitters do not allow their children to work at an unknown home.  Besides the standard fear of strangers, parents are concerned that their child will be exposed to television, to internet access, or to reading material that they do not approve.   Parents looking for babysitters can allay such fears by providing references at the outset: the names of other babysitters they have used in the past or the name of their Rav.  The parents of the babysitter may tell the parent calling for the sitter that they will get back to them, presumably after checking the references.

Tips for the Parents Hiring the Babysitter

Understanding the Babysitter

The reality in our community is that the demand for babysitting exceeds the supply. There are many reasons for this.  Young families outnumber families with older children.  High school girls have little time to spare for babysitting.  Students have homework, exams, and school play rehearsals.  Apart from schoolwork, girls are obliged to spend an hour a week on a Chessed activity, often involving child care.  Many girls do more than one Chessed assignment.  Moreover, parents need their older daughters to help with their own children: babysitting, homework help, bathing the kids, etc.

In addition, some girls do not enjoy babysitting.  Many see it as a Chessed activity, even when they are being paid for it.  They would rather study in their own home than study in a strange house, even when the children are asleep.

Since it is so difficult to find babysitters, parents who need babysitting are well advised to be as considerate as possible to the sitters.  Babysitters expect to be treated with the same consideration one accords to adults, but they will rarely speak up for themselves.  If they feel unhappy with how they are being paid or how late the parents return, they will not complain.  However, they may refuse future jobs with that family, and they will not give their friends’ names to that family.  Thus, the parents may have no idea why they are not finding babysitters.

Pay 

Teen-age babysitters are paid anywhere from five to ten dollars an hour, depending on the age of the babysitter.  When parents ask babysitters how much they charge, some girls have been taught to respond with “whatever you wish.”  The idea is to spare poor families the embarrassment of not being able to pay market rates.  Parents need to keep in mind, however, that most girls are more likely to work for parents who pay the higher rates.  Unsurprisingly, most girls are more likely to work for parents who pay the higher rates.

The girls are also shy about reminding parents to pay them.  This puts the onus on the parents to make sure that they have cash (including small change!) with them so they are able to pay on the spot.  A check is second best, since the parents of the babysitter will have to cash it for their daughter.  Paying the babysitter in scrip (Chessed money) is also resented, both by the girl and by her parents, since they will be stuck with changing it into cash and they have their own scrip obligations.  Girls will usually not remind parents to pay them the next day.  They are also likely to decline babysitting jobs with that family in the future, unless they feel that the family cannot afford it and that the babysitting job is a pure Chessed.

Lateness

Both the babysitters and their parents resent it strongly when parents return later than they specified.  This is true even if the girls are accustomed to staying up late hours.  If the parents find they are unexpectedly delayed, they should let the babysitter know as soon as possible.  When the parents call up the babysitter and ask if she minds if they return later, they are pressuring the girl to stay later.  Most teenage girls do not have the self-confidence to say no to the adults.  However, parents who are persistently late will find it more difficult to obtain babysitters.

Working Conditions

Babysitters are more efficient when parents take the time to show them where the children sleep and to explain to them the supper/bedtime routine.   If the children are already asleep, parents should make sure to show the babysitter where they are sleeping, in case there is an emergency such as a fire and the children need to be evacuated.  It is better to avoid telling the babysitter to put a child to bed in the master bedroom.  If there is a pet in the house, the babysitter should be told in advance.

Parents may smooth their children’s behavior by offering them rewards for good reports from the sitter.  A major challenge for babysitters is the baby who cries and will not stop.  When parents know that their baby has a tendency to cry, they should inform the babysitter.  Parents should remember to equip the babysitter with pacifiers or bottles if they might be useful in quieting the baby.

Parents should consider cancelling their outing if a child is sick, especially if there is a fever.  Babysitters should be warned if a child is contagious and given the option not to babysit.  Moreover, sick children find their own parents more comforting when they are under stress.

If the babysitter will be serving food to the children, the food should be prepared by the parents before they leave or be ready to be heated.  Babysitters also appreciate it when the parents provide them with nosh—even though it is often left untouched.  Many girls feel shy about taking food from the house they are working in.  If they are given a plate full of small items such as cookies or chocolate lentils, they are more likely to take some.  Fruit is a good nosh to provide, since so many girls are dieting; leave a knife if it will be needed.  Drinks should also be made available.  It is courteous to tell babysitters that they can take what they want from the fridge or the pantry.  High school girls are unlikely to abuse this privilege.

Babysitters need a clean, uncluttered spot to relax or to study in.

 

Videos

The family of the babysitter may have different standards and policies for video watching than the parents hiring the babysitter.  If the kids will be watching videos, the babysitter should be informed in advance, so that she may consult her parents.

 

Rules and Structure

Instructions are important.  However, parents should avoid too many or too detailed instructions.  Babysitters need to know the parents’ policies about:

Telephone Use

Is the babysitter allowed to use the phone?  Should she pick up the “click” that indicates that someone is trying to call in?  Should the sitter answer the phone?  Take messages?  If yes, writing materials should be provided, so that the sitter does not need to go through the drawers.

Computer Use

The parents ask their sitter’s parents what their family’s policies are about computer and internet usage.  Babysitters sometimes appreciate being able to use their host’s computer for school work.  However, if the computer has access to the internet, it is prudent to “lock up” the computer.  Such a policy is advisable not merely to protect the babysitter from temptation, but also to protect one’s computer.

Bringing a Friend

Babysitters often enjoy having a friend with them.  This may be beneficial for the children, if there is more “manpower”.  It may also relieve the babysitter’s boredom once the children are asleep.  It is prudent for the parents to know exactly whom (and how many) the babysitter is bringing.  Note: parents are not expected to pay for the “extra” sitter if they did not request the second sitter.

How Many Babysitters?

Hiring more babysitters depends on the number of children and on their behavior.    It is up to the parents to decide how many babysitters they require.  Parents have mentioned ratios of four or five children per sitter when the children are all awake.  If the parents decide to hire more than one babysitter, they should pay each one separately.

Tips for Babysitters

Obtain Basic Information

Make sure parents provide their cell phone numbers, the name of the place they are going to, emergency contact information, and ideally, the phone number of their children’s pediatrician.  Babysitters should ask parents if any of the children have specific health issues, such as allergies or asthma.

Be on time

A parent may be late to something important if the babysitter arrives late.

Interacting with the Kids

Most parents expect the babysitter to play with the children.  And, children are more likely to listen to babysitters who have “invested” time in them.

When to Call the Parents

Parents should be called immediately when there is a medical emergency.  A baby crying uncontrollably may constitute an emergency if this baby is not known to cry.

Find a Replacement

The babysitter is expected to find a replacement if there is a need to cancel.  It pays to keep one’s parents in the loop, to avoid a cancellation due to family obligations.

Speak to Your Parents

If there was something unusual or disturbing about the babysitting experience, please let your parents know.

Halacha Issues for Parents and Babysitters

Babysitters and both sets of parents need to learn the Yichud issues involved in babysitting.  Generally, girls over age three can be a problem for male sitters, and boys over nine for female sitters.  A Rav can give specific advice on how to work with these issues.  While it is not necessarily a Yichud problem, girls and their parents usually prefer that the mother drive the babysitter home when the job is over, especially at night.

Non-payment, late payment, or payment in scrip present serious Halachic problems.  Special arrangements may be needed to pay the babysitter if he/she comes on Shabbos.

When parents pick the sitter up later than specified or cancel at the last minute, they should consult their Rav about their obligation to pay for the time that they reserved, but did not actually use.

Babysitters should be aware that they are obliged to respect the privacy of the family they work for.  This means that they should keep out of areas of the home that do not pertain to their work.  Drawers and cabinets should not be opened unless there is a specific need.

Advice to Parents

Because it is so difficult to find babysitters, it is advisable to plan ahead.  Look for neighbors who have younger daughters, and ask them if their children can babysit for short stretches of time from age twelve.  Start paying them at lower rates, which you increase gradually as the girl becomes older and builds a relationship with your children.   Young girls are usually loyal to their first clients, and may accept to babysit when needed, even after the high school years.

Respite Programs

There are families where the need for respite goes beyond occasionally hiring a babysitter.  Individual communities may have resources to help such families, especially where there are disabled children or single-parent households.  It may pay to ask local Rabbanim or old-timers in the community where to find help.

Is Your Pre-schooler Ready for School?

We usually take it for granted that when our child finishes pre-school (kindergarten in the Yeshiva system, nursery in the public school setting) at around age five, s/he will continue to Pre1A.  However, this is not always the case as some children need to repeat the kindergarten year.

Holding Back: Pros and Cons

While interviewing local school staff and parents for this article, we were struck by the unanimity with which everyone recommended a child repeating preschool when there is a doubt about readiness for school the next year.  Educators acknowledged that some children may feel stigmatized, but with correct handling the outcome would be beneficial.

The preference for delaying a child’s promotion is based on observing the experiences of children who start school before they are ready.  A child with social delays is likely to suffer from bullying and/or social exclusion; academic delays mean constant struggles to keep pace with the curriculum.  This often leads to chronic frustration during the child’s formative years, along with a failure to benefit from his/her education.  By contrast, these educators have witnessed many cases where the same type of child matured during the repeated year and thrived in Pre1A.  These children often become class leaders, boosting their self-esteem, and leading to a desirable outcome.

Why Holding Back Has Become More Accepted Today

  • Accumulated Experience – Educators have seen the benefits of delaying children.
  • Increased Awareness of the Costs of Pushing Ahead – There are long-term consequences when a child’s school experience has been negative.
  • Higher Expectations at School – Children are starting “school” earlier than ever, with many attending playgroup at age two.  By age five, these children are used to a classroom-like setting and are ready to learn.
  • Increased Number of Children Repeating Preschool – As awareness of the benefits of repeating has risen, the stigma has decreased and more children repeat the year.  Thus, the age range and the average age of the typical Pre1A class have increased, further handicapping the less mature members of the class.

Which Children are Candidates for Repeating

Teachers may decide that a child is not ready for school if s/he displays the following in pre-school:

  • Social Delays – Lack of positive interactions with peers, tendency to get into fights, inappropriate responses to teachers (i.e., saying “no” when given directions).
  • Academic Delays – Trouble learning the letters, following the thread of narratives, answering questions.
  • Impulsiveness – Difficulty behaving in an age appropriate manner, tendency to hit.
  • Fine/Gross Motor Delays – Difficulty holding and using crayons, scissors, etc.  “Klutziness” in sports-related activities, like running and jumping.
  • Delay in Self Help Skills – Excessive dependence on teachers for bathroom, eating, etc.
  • Constant Desire to Play – Lack of interest, inability to sit and pay attention during circle time.  This may be a normal child who just isn’t “ready.”

These factors all indicate that a child will have trouble adjusting to “real” school.  When delays are compounded by the child’s late birthday, within two months of school’s cut-off date (often December 31), the school staff is likely to recommend that the child postpone entry into Pre1A.

For girls, social awkwardness is often considered the more serious problem than academic delays, since status in the classroom depends on one’s social skills (although academic proficiency is helpful, too).  For boys, the academic side is more important, since “learning” is emphasized so much in their curriculum.  Delays in physical coordination may make it impossible for a child to join in the recess games crucial for social success.  Behavior challenges are as serious a problem as academic delays.  With tutoring and/or resource room sessions, an otherwise well-adjusted child might be able to handle school, whereas a child who cannot behave appropriately may need constant disciplining and may experience social problems.

A child, who is academically gifted but lags socially, emotionally, or physically, is likely to benefit from the extra year in pre-school.  It will be the responsibility of the teachers and parents to find ways to enrich the curriculum in order keep him/her stimulated.  The repeat year is also beneficial for the child who is academically deficient.  The child might catch up during the extra year, or the maturity s/he gains might make it easier to cope or to excel in other areas.

Making a Decision

Ideally, pre-school staff should begin discussing the repeating preschool option in the middle of the year.  Unless it is a clear-cut immaturity issue (the child has a late birthday and/or is acting a little “young”), parents should have their child evaluated.  The evaluation process, provided free of charge by the Board of Education, may yield crucial information about the source of the child’s delays.  Early intervention in the form of speech, physical, or occupational therapies may be crucial for the child’s future success.

Parents may also intervene during the kindergarten year and the following summer to help their child.  Having a parent review the alphabet, colors, shapes, and other material learned in school may diminish academic delays.  Reading stories, discussing the parsha, and asking questions may help the child remember better and grasp concepts more easily.  Social delays may be mitigated through supervised play dates or through social skills classes for more severe deficits.  These types of interventions help the parent learn more about the child’s problems.  If they do not work, the parent knows that the deficits are deep-rooted or the child isn’t ready.

Sometimes, a child experiences a maturity spurt over the summer.  If the parents are convinced that their child has made sufficient progress, they may re-open the question of whether to repeat the year.

It is not always clear, even to the school staff, whether the child must repeat.  Parents may decide to make the adjustment to Pre1A easier on their child by postponing it a year.  In fact, parents with older sons in yeshiva are more likely to opt to have a boy repeat kindergarten.

Parents should be aware that when a child who was a candidate for repeating preschool moves directly into Pre1A, it is possible that s/he will have to repeat Pre1A or a higher grade.  Each year, the stigma increases—parents may be taking a high-stakes gamble when they reject the option to repeat preschool.

Handling the Repeated Year

Once parents have decided to repeat the child’s preschool year, they should foster friendships over the summer with classmates who will also repeat the year.  The school should ensure that children who are repeating the year are assigned a different teacher and classroom than the one that they had the previous year.  It is beneficial for the child’s self-esteem for the child to be a teacher’s helper at the onset, perhaps helping the teacher set up the classroom.

It is the responsibility of the parents to explain tactfully to their child why s/he is not entering Pre1A.  This task is smoothest when the child has a late birthday.  Parents may explain to the child that his/her birthday comes later than that of his/her classmates.  “First, you go to kindergarten with the younger children, then you go to the oldest class.”

If the child’s birthday is earlier in the year, parents may explain that many children “do kindergarten” twice.  Explaining this is much easier if parents all along avoided making references to the future: “When you are in Pre1a…” Parents should emphasize the positive: kindergarten is going to be lots of fun, you’ll enjoy it more the second time with the older children, you’ll be friends with…

The “repeater” may experience some discomfort during the first week of kindergarten as his/her former classmates go to Pre1A, but these feelings pass.  The most important factor in making the repeat successful is the parents’ attitude: if the parents are positive about the decision, the child will think positively about it.

Don’t “Just Repeat”

While that extra year in preschool may be all that some children need in order to excel for the rest of their academic career, other children need more.  The delays noted by the pre-school staff may be due to a variety of causes.  Parents might need to supplement the child’s schooling with speech, occupational, or physical therapy, social skills training, tutoring, and emotional support (i.e. tons of love).  Without this auxiliary support, the child who is left back may experience the stigma of being left back compounded by being at the bottom of the class.

Pre-emptive Strategy for Parents

The smoothest and least expensive way to have a child repeat a grade is to detect the delay as early as possible and have the child attend playgroup for an extra year.  Delays and potential problems are sometimes visible to the experienced eye by age three.  If a child has a late birthday or if a child is “difficult,” parents should think early about the repeated year option.

It is best to look for a playgroup with an experienced morah and to consult with her about how their child fits in with his/her peers.  While the morah may not be able to identify the source of the problem, she should be able to provide a valuable holistic appraisal.  If the morah is concerned, parents may ask a professional to observe and evaluate their child.  If they decide that another year of playgroup is warranted, the parents simply enroll the child in another playgroup the following year without the child realizing that s/he is being “held back.”

Reducing Stigmatization

It is appropriate for all parents of kindergarteners to tell their children that some of their classmates will be in kindergarten next year and others in Pre1A.  It does not matter where they are; each child is in the grade that is best for him/her.  When parents model acceptance of others and avoid judging or labeling, children are more tolerant rather than derogatory towards those who are different.  This creates a school atmosphere that is safer and emotionally healthier for everyone.

Conclusion

Successful parenting includes the willingness to see one’s child’s strengths and weaknesses clearly.  This allows parents to make decisions on the child’s behalf that may be painful in the short term.  Although repeating a year in pre-school does not always solve problems, parents are often able to improve their children’s prospects by giving “the gift of time.”

Bullying in School

We explore the phenomenon of bullying in school: how and why it happens, prevention, and what parents should do if their child is a victim or an aggressor.  For the purpose of this article, bullying is any behavior by a child that is deliberately meant to hurt another child, physically, socially, or psychologically.

Note: Bullying is likely to occur wherever children congregate unsupervised, including in shul, the neighborhood, and the playground.  This article features school-based bullying, but the tips are universal.

Bullying

A toddler deliberately throws sand into another child’s face.  Preschoolers call each other names.  Second grade boys refuse to allow a classmate to join their ball game.  A fourth grade girl invites girls to a sleepover on condition that they do not play with a certain classmate.  A sixth grade boy squirts juice on himself and tells his Rebbe that a specific classmate did it.  A boy in Mesivta finds his dorm bed soaked.  High school girls tease/insult each other.

Bullying begins early in childhood and may continue into high school.  Boys may be verbal or physical; girls usually are verbal and more likely to use social exclusion.  Generally, social intimidation peaks in sixth and seventh grades.  In a healthy environment where the children’s needs are met and where adults genuinely disapprove of bullying, it tapers off by eighth grade.  By then, most of the vulnerable children in the class have found a niche in the social setting and have gained acceptance.  At the same time, the classmates are now more likely to disapprove of nasty peers.

The Victim

Bullies look for socially weak and vulnerable children for their victims:

  • Unassertive – shy, gentle, mild mannered children
  • Handicapped –a physical handicap or a developmental delay (social and/or speech and language)
  • New – new in town or new to the class
  • Different – i.e. clothing, an accent, the belongings, or interests
  • Unfortunate – children who have experienced suffering

The Bully

The three year old who deliberately throws sand at the child playing next to him and sits back contentedly watching his companion’s cries is not necessarily a sadist.  He may simply be exploring cause and effect.  Some little children are too immature to be compassionate.  They find it interesting to test the effects of their actions on their playmates.

Children with mild developmental delays may also be prone to hitting, grabbing, and hurting others.  This is due to social immaturity and/or sensory integration challenges as opposed to bullying.  They may not know how to handle themselves with other children, or they may be overreacting to sensory input, such as, noise or crowding.

In general, aggressive behavior among younger children tends to be due to social immaturity and lack of awareness of appropriate social norms.  As children age, the bullying is more calculated.  While some bullies freely admit that they were picking on the other child, others insist that the other child is at fault.

Some motivations for bullying:

  • Boredom – Pressing another child’s buttons and watching his/her reaction is fun and interesting.
  • Home Situation – Anger caused by bullying, neglect, or emotional turmoil at home might transfer into aggressive behavior at school.
  • Media Messages – Watching entertainment depicting children putting down or hurting others increases bullying.
  • Social Insecurity – Putting down others may cause an insecure child to feel empowered.  An inner feeling of worthlessness may be found even in children who seem to be popular.
  • Sports mania – A talented athlete may try to exclude clumsy children on his/her team.
  • Lack of empathy –  underdeveloped sensitivity to the needs/feelings of others

When a child comes home from school and reports being hurt socially or physically, the parent needs to stay calm.  It is important to realize that only one side of the story is being told.  (On rare occasions, a child may fabricate an incident in order to hurt a classmate.)  Parents overreacting may inflame the situation.  Moreover, it is not healthy for children to learn to “play” their parents by telling them about being victimized.  Parents should extend their sympathy, identify as many details as possible, and assess whether they should pursue the matter or not.  This depends on how their child is reacting.  For instance, is he/she taking the incident in stride or is the child emotionally devastated?

If there have been a few incidents already, if there are safety issues involved, or if their child is suffering, the parents should contact the school, starting with the teacher.  It is best to be tactful with the teacher: “my son/daughter is experiencing the following; could you please look out for him/her?”  Ask the teacher for his/her view of the situation.  Perhaps the “bullying” was a simple misunderstanding, and the teacher may facilitate a reconciliation with the children.

Sometimes it is easier and faster to sidestep the school and to contact the parents of the other child directly.  This option is feasible only if the parents are open-minded, receptive, and blessed with diplomatic skills.  It pays to approach the other parents cautiously because it might be their own child who was the aggressor.  In addition, today’s bully may turn into tomorrow’s best friend.  Handled properly, the parents may bring the two children together successfully.

It is an integral part of any school’s mission to provide a safe environment, physical, emotional, and social.  The parents should allow the teacher a day or two to investigate and to intervene.  If the teacher is not able to help, they should contact the guidance counselor, administrator, principal, etc.

When investigating the situation, the school administration might determine that a child is socially aggressive.  They may contact the bully’s parents in order to work together to solve the child’s problem.  Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for parents to flatly deny that their child could be the aggressor.  Children often behave differently at home and at school.  A child victimized at home by older siblings may be a bully at school.

Note: When the school administration contacts parents with a problem, it usually means that there is a problem.  The very fact that their child is being singled out indicates that something is amiss.  To dismiss the problem is to deny one’s child help he/she needs.

 

 

Intervention—Helping the Victim

Sometimes, the victim brings the bullying on him/herself through consciously or unconsciously breaking social rules.  For example, classmates exclude a boy from their game because he often quit the game to join other playground action.  Or, a child invades the space of another child, who retaliates.  Some children regularly attack others yet they complain when it happens to them.  Parents need to guide their child into changing his/her behavior when necessary.

Unfortunately, certain children are picked on regularly even though they follow social rules.  There are steps that parents may take to empower these children against current and possible future assaults on their self-esteem.

Developing Coping Skills

Since bullying is a fact of life, the most reliable method for stopping it is to “harden the target.”  When the bully finds the victim is unaffected, he/she no longer find the behavior rewarding.  Before coaching the child with some of the techniques listed below, it is best to discuss the specific situation with the teacher or school staff to ascertain which techniques are most appropriate.

Inoculate – Ask the child to list the worst insults another child applies to him/her.  Read them off to the child several times a day until the words lose their power.  (The child must understand that the words do not truly apply to him/her; the idea is to learn how to ignore the words.)

Develop responses – Depending on the situation, create “lines” for the child to use.  Some examples:

  • “Don’t be ridiculous”
  • “Are you trying to hurt my feelings?”
  • “Whatever”
  • “Get used to it”

 

Practice self-assertion– Have someone play the bully’s role and guide the child into speaking his/her line correctly.  This includes standing up straight, looking the aggressor in the eye, and speaking loudly, calmly, and clearly.  If the child has trouble picking up these skills, he/she may need a few sessions with an experienced counselor.

Physical retaliation may be a tempting solution for a child who is suffering from verbal abuse.  However, there is a danger of either the victim or the bully getting truly hurt, and one’s own child may be punished as the aggressor.

These coping skills are less effective when the bullies operate as a group.  In such cases, the parents must keep in close communication with the school until the staff resolves the problem.

Strengthening Self-Esteem

Parents need to ensure that their child understands that the insults of the bully do not define him/her as a person.  Parents should convey that being poor at sports, overweight, socially backward do not mean that a person is worthless.  In addition, parents should try to develop their child’s strengths and talents, e.g. through art or music lessons.  Spending extra time one-on-one with the child is also helpful to validate his/her sense of self-worth.

Help the Child Fit In

Make sure that the child conforms to the norms of this class.  Especially for girls, it is a good idea to contact the mother of one of the popular classmates for makeover help: clothing, accessories, hair style, etc.

Encourage friendships while the child is young.  This may involve asking the teacher for suggestions and scheduling exciting play dates, perhaps going on outings (pizza, bowling, ice skating) with the children.  A child who has a friend is less vulnerable.

Victims should be reminded to stay with the rest of their class during recess rather than hanging around in an isolated location.  Children who are not participating in group activities are more likely to be victimized by roaming bullies.

Seeking Professional Help

If the situation is severe and is taking a toll on the victim, it may be necessary to enroll the child in a social skills group.  Ideally, the group should be balanced between the aggressive and the shy personalities.  Such groups are sometimes less effective when members include classmates of the child.  It may also be useful to obtain professional counseling for the parent and/or for the child.

Interventions for the Bully

Parents of the bully also need to intervene.  While most bullies outgrow it, if problems are left unaddressed, some bullies might grow into abusive adults and dysfunctional spouses, parents and co-workers.  Moreover, the bullying may be a symptom of other problems which need to be resolved; the child might be acting out because he/she is being victimized.

When parents hear that their child is accused of bullying behavior, they should gather as much detail as possible, including whether their child is the leader or following someone’s example.  They should also ask their child for his/her perspective.  Usually, the parents and the school administration are able to determine the root cause and jointly implement a solution.

Many of the interventions for the bully are identical to those for the victim, including raising the child’s self-esteem so that the child does not feel a need to put others down.  There are cases in which the bullied should be enrolled in a social skills group and/or seek professional counseling.  Build awareness and empathy in the aggressor by having him/her read books like the “Kids Speak” series by Rabbi Walder.

Preventing Bullying

Protecting One’s Child

Parents might foresee that a child may be bullied once he/she enters school if the child matches the victim profile outlined in Part 1.  Parents may preemptively take the steps outlined in Part 1, including developing their child’s strengths, cultivating friendships, and taking care to make sure their child does not “stick out”.

Parents should also teach their children that they have a right to be safe and that they must speak to an adult when they are threatened.

Raising Compassionate Children

Cultivate good parenting practices in order for children to feel that their needs are being met.  State values early and often to the children.  Avoid using disrespectful terms to describe other people.  When a child relates the day’s events, a parent may have the child explore the feelings of the disadvantaged child.  On seeing a child who looks different, express feelings of compassion to one’s own child.  In addition, parents may go out of their way to occasionally invite a family with a special needs child or arrange play dates with special needs children.

Working on the Environment

Before enrollment, parents should enquire about the school’s anti-bullying program.  The children’s education should include teaching children to stick up for each other.  Bystanders to bullying may be taught to yell “Stop that!” and to report the incident.  Note: it is not Loshon Hora as long as the incident is reported to a member of the school staff and the motive for reporting the incident is not malice towards the perpetrator.  Students who see or hear something potentially life-threatening are REQUIRED to inform someone immediately, even if their motives are not pure.

Conclusion

We tried to explain the phenomenon behind bullying in this article. The harm that bullies commit is real, and is never forgotten by many victims.  However, it is hard to be judgmental towards younger children who are trying to cope with social and academic pressures which they may be too immature to handle.  Moreover, it is not always clear who is the victim and who is the aggressor.

The subject of bullying has made headlines lately as horrific examples of young adults bullying have come to light. In our view, these incidents represent a profound failure on the part of the parents and the school system. Bullying is understandable, while undesirable, in elementary school. However, it is the job of the parents, the community, and the schools to make sure that bullying is eliminated among healthy children by the time that they finish high school.

 

 

Helping Your Daughter Succeed in Elementary School

 

As parents, we all want our children to get the most they can from their Yeshiva education.  We thought that it might be helpful to ask Yeshiva staff for ideas on how to improve our children’s elementary school experience. The material for this article was collected through interviews with members of the staff of our local Yeshiva Ktana for girls.  Since this is a girls’ Yeshiva, we will refer to “your daughter” rather than “your son”. We believe, however, that many of the insights presented here are relevant for other Yeshivas and for boys.

Guidance vs. Micromanagment

A daughter needs her parents to guide her through the social and academic challenges of her schooling.  A daughter also needs to learn to rely on her own resources as she progresses through the school system.  Parents must balance between these two needs.  This includes allowing their daughter to make her own mistakes.  If the child gets a “B” on her report, but it is her own “B”, so be it.  Bnos Bracha would like to encourage parents to have their children strive for improvement, not for perfection.

In the early grades, it is expected that the parents will be closely involved with their children’s homework.  This includes making sure their daughter knows what her assignments are, has all necessary supplies, and actually completes the work.  Parents should be available, also, to give a hand if their daughter feels that she is out of her depth.  The goal should be to teach the child to take pride in and responsibility for her homework and schoolwork.

By the time a girl reaches the junior high school years, the parents have to step back.  Girls in their early teens need to feel that they are trusted and respected by their parents.  Therefore, it can be counter-productive if parents nag their older children to complete their homework or to study for tests.  Sometimes, it is better when the parent stays out of the picture and lets the child bear the consequences of her actions.

There are exceptions. Girls, who have special needs or who find it especially challenging to organize their time, may need their parents’ input even when they are older.  When in doubt, parents should consult with the teachers and/or the principals to decide how to proceed.

Cultivating a Work Ethic

Children do not always have the ability to excel in their school work.  However, many can learn how to apply themselves, and work hard at their studies.  When parents make it clear to their children that they value the effort they are putting into their schoolwork, they help their children take pride in their  work.  In order to instill this sense of pride, the parents must show complete acceptance of their daughter’s low or mediocre grades, as long as they are the result of her best effort.  This is a highly valuable life lesson that can guide daughters through their adulthood.

It is interesting to note that girls who are accustomed to working hard in their early school years often catch up with, and can even surpass, their more talented peers once they reach the upper grades.  It has been shown that students who are academically challenged but received the right kind of help early in their schooling often have better study habits than students who have not experienced academic challenges.

Getting Outside Help

Child rearing is challenging.  Sometimes, the child and parent are “stuck” and cannot resolve a problematic situation on their own.  Parents who realize when they need outside help are a significant asset to their children.  Professionals such as psychologists, counselors, or life coaches can help parents and children through the challenges of growing up.  Professionals can confer with the Yeshiva staff about how to best help a student.  When the parents, therapists, and school have open communication, the students are the winners.

Keeping Communication Lines Open

Even when their daughters are older, parents are still an important part of their daughter’s lives.  Girls appreciate it when their parents are available to discuss homework, projects, and test results.  Children, especially teens, need to feel that they can discuss anything with their parents.  When parents cultivate a non-judgmental tone, it encourages their children to confide in them.

Validating Your Daughter’s Feelings

 Sometimes, a child has a bad day in school.  When things go wrong at school, parents have to perform a balancing act.  On the one hand, the daughter must feel that her parents empathize with her and will advocate for her.  On the other hand, parents are not doing their child a favor if they react in an overly emotional way.  The parent should model a calm response, as he/she patiently finds out what happened, and decides on a course of action.   It is appropriate, when discussing a problem with a school staff member, to make sure that children are not within hearing distance.

 

Home Responsibilities and School Work

When children perform chores at home, it raises their self esteem as they see themselves contributing to the running of the household.  However, children need time for themselves: to keep up with their schoolwork and to just be kids.  It is important for parents to balance their own need for their daughter’s help with the daughter’s need to accomplish her own work. 

Tips for the Earlier Grades

  • Girls in the lower grades really appreciate it when they themselves are able to contribute items that the class is collecting.  For example when the Morah requests that the class needs milk bottles for a project, the girls who bring in the bottles feel very good when their bottles are used by the class.
  • Mitzvah notes makes girls feel proud.
  • The girls bond over their play dates.  On Monday, the Morahs can tell who played with whom over the weekend; either the girls themselves inform the Morahs, or the Morahs can see who is interacting with whom.
  • Avoid sending your daughter to school with a valued toy or object.  She may be devastated if it is lost or broken in school.  However, bringing in a toy or game to share at recess is a great way for a girl to develop friendships—especially if she is shy or awkward.
  • Younger girls find it hard to recover their bearings when they arrive late at school.  Five minutes late means that the girl does not walk in to class with her classmates.  Once the routine is disrupted, some girls have enormous trouble settling into the school day

Fostering a Positive Relationship

It is always heartwarming when parents give positive feedback to the school: a pleasant note to the teacher or a thank you to the staff.  Moreover, parents will get further with positive statements, rather than relating with the teacher entirely through criticism.

Making the Most of School Nights

Tips for helping children get the most from their time at home after school.

Organization is Key

Parents present a tremendous gift to their children when they provide them a schedule and a set of routines for mornings and evenings during the school year.  Knowing in advance when to expect supper, when to do homework, and when to go to bed conveys a reassuring sense of order and predictability.  While adhering to a schedule comes more naturally to some people than others, this is a habit that motivated parents should try to inculcate in themselves and their children.

Children have a very long (and often hard) day at school; they appreciate when they are greeted at the door with a welcoming/positive word.  It is a good policy for the parent to avoid telephone, texting, email, and other distractions when the children return from school.  Since most of the children’s day is spent in school, parents have only the few hours between school and bedtime to interact with their children.  Discharging as many tasks as possible in advance, including supper preparation, reduces some of the pressure, allowing parents to function best.

It takes time to develop the correct schedule.  Parents and children need to learn what works better given the parents’ constraints, the children’s temperament, and the homework load.  These factors change from year to year.

This article assumes that a parent is home when the children return from school; this is not always the case, but some of the tips may apply nevertheless.  Parents may wish to consider the consequent disruption to the children’s routine before attending discretionary evening events such as simchas.

The Child’s Knapsack

Part of the daily routine should consist of going through the child’s knapsack to find the parents’ homework: tests to sign, permission slips, forms to complete, and notes from the school or the teacher.  Depending on the child’s maturity, either the parent or the child performs this task. It is nice to have a designated place for each child to put school-related material, perhaps a colored bin or magazine holder. The object here is to insure that there are no last minute signatures or other surprises the next morning.  Some parents refuse to sign anything in the morning that was not submitted to them the previous night.

While unloading the knapsack, the parent or child may enter due dates, tests, and events on a large wall calendar.  Small, colorful sticky notes let notations stand out.  This is also a good time to schedule trips to the library to obtain books necessary for book reports and the like.  For some families, it is best not to delay the library visit until the child is available; the parent may pick a few eligible books at his/her convenience and let the child choose.

Going through the knapsack is also a good time to organize the knapsack, discarding obsolete papers, restoring order, and resupplying pens/pencils.  An orderly knapsack may lead to a more orderly desk at school; at the least, it provides the child with a good example.

Some children never seem to bring home handouts from their teacher.  Parents may request that the teacher actually put the material into the knapsack so that the child and the parent are aware of the assignment.  Inculcating a sense of responsibility may need to wait a few years for these children.

Homework Strategies

Generally, when the children return home from school, they need a snack, and a chance to talk.  In some families, the children must complete their homework before they may play; this is convenient because it avoids the need to find the children, interrupt their play, and force them back into “school mode.”  However, many children have a need to unwind after school; they simply cannot settle into their homework until they have time to play.

It is helpful to create a special homework area equipped with supplies, such as paper, pencils/erasers, and crayons. Desktop organizers are useful in reducing clutter.  The kitchen table or a spot easily supervised by a parent is convenient as children may work on their own with easy access to a parent for questions and/or moral support.  Siblings prone to fighting with each other should be seated as separately as possible.

Homework time is more productive if the parent reviews the assignments with the child to insure that the child understands what is expected of him/her.  This is especially true for long-term assignments (reports, projects, etc.), which might overwhelm the child.  Parents should be ready to coach the child, keep him/her focused, and work out strategies for accomplishing the work, without actually doing the homework.  Otherwise, the child may sit at the table with the materials and the assignment without accomplishing anything.  If there is a test in the near future, parents may ask the child how s/he plans to study and offer to help with the studying. Without active parental involvement, strong work ethics and effective study skills may never develop.

A timer is a useful homework accessory, since it is an objective way to set and mark time.  It may be used to summon the children from playtime to homework.  It may be deployed for breaking up an overwhelming assignment: “Let’s see how many math problems you are able to do in five minutes.”  The timer may also schedule breaks and set a limit for how long the child needs to work.  If homework drags on even when the child is putting in an honest effort, parents should end the session and discuss this with the teacher.  It is possible that the teacher is pitching expectations too high or that this child simply cannot handle this quantity of work and needs a modified curriculum.

If the family has children of different ages and dismissal times, it is best to work with each “batch” of children as they arrive from school.  The parent might sit the children around a table and work with each one in turn for one-on-one chazara (oral review).  If the parent is not able to adhere to this strategy, s/he might recruit older siblings to help with this task.

Homework time is easier if the preschool siblings are not in the way; strategies include giving them their own “homework” (coloring books), a special toy, or some food.  Some parents hire babysitter help just for this time of the day, so that they may focus on the needs of the older siblings.

Ideally, fathers should conduct the chazara, since this gives them more involvement in their children’s education and conveys a greater sense of the importance of the learning.  Moreover, fathers typically are more experienced with the text-based skills needed.  Older children are generally able to stay up until the father is available.

Preparing for the Next Day

Generally, there is more time and less pressure in the evening than in the morning before carpool time.  Better to stay up a little late at night than to try to finish everything the following morning.  Knapsacks should be loaded with the homework, papers, and non-perishable snacks needed for the next day.  Additionally, it pays to lay out the following the night before:

  • Clothing, especially the shoes
  • Breakfast utensils and supplies
  • Supplies needed to prepare perishable lunches/snacks, including plastic bags, wraps, and utensils

Bedtime Strategies

Many families serve an early supper to the children, rather than waiting for both parents to return from work.  This allows supper to be served at the optimal time for the children, allowing them to stay on schedule for bedtime.

It pays to concentrate on nothing but putting the children to bed during this critical time.  When parents are distracted, the process loses focus and drags on longer.  Rather than arguing with a child, it is more effective to simply remove him/her from the “action,” and bring him/her to the bedroom area.  Parents might offer to spend one-on-one time with a child (e.g. read a story) if s/he is in bed early.  Electronic toys and cell phones should be confiscated, since these are easily played with under the covers.  Children have been known to stay up extremely late texting, with the parents totally oblivious.  (Note: we are not endorsing cell phones for children; however, we recognize that many children in our community have access to them.)

In the Morning

Providing children with their own alarm clock encourages independence, as long as the parent checks that the child is up in time.  Morning routines work best if the parent rises before the children.  .  A morning treat such as hot cocoa helps motivate children to get up and dressed.  Parents may use other incentives to motivate children to get ready on their own; praise and recognition are usually appreciated.  Early risers might study for a test or relax before school starts.

Some children may find a checklist on the inside of the front door useful on their way out (i.e. do you have your lunch and knapsack?)

If the schedule is realistic and the family adheres to it faithfully, children should be able to meet their carpool on time and to have a productive day at school.  While it takes forethought and effort to create the optimal post-school experience, it pays off in reduced stress for everyone and fewer problems at school.