One of the great gifts that parents can give their children is the ability to relate to others with genuine respect.  This is a significant challenge in a world where rebelliousness and extreme individualism are encouraged.  This article, geared to parents of young children, provides tips and strategies to set a healthy foundation for inculcating appropriate attitudes.

Why Respect is Important

The Need for Authority

Most children crave structure for a variety of reasons.  Deep down, they know that they are not competent to run their lives on their own.  In order to feel safe, they need to feel that adults are in charge.  This is why many children tend to keep pushing boundaries until they experience “push back” from authority.

Chutzpah as a Handicap

Lack of respect for others leads to problems for the child now and later as an adult.

Transmitting the Mesora:  Our values and tradition are based on the parent/child and teacher/student relationship.  An essential component of these relationships is the respect, admiration, and awe that the child or student has for the parent or a teacher.

Promoting Arrogance: People who are accustomed to saying what they want without regard to other’s feelings or station in life are seen as arrogant and unpleasant.  Disrespectful children are more likely to grow into adults who make difficult spouses and coworkers.  Moreover, arrogant people are less likely to benefit from life experiences because they react more often with anger rather than letting the lesson sink in.

While chutzpa is a problem in itself, it is often a symptom of underlying issues that are more urgent and need to be dealt with first.  Once those are resolved, if the disrespectful behavior persists, parents may be able to work with the child to improve this too.

Causes of Disrespectful Behavior

The educators, therapists and parents interviewed concurred that there is always an underlying reason for a child’s disrespectful behavior although it may be difficult to identify.  A common theme is that of a child having an unmet need and not being able to rectify the situation appropriately, either because of immaturity or because speaking respectfully hasn’t brought results.

Environmental

• Young children get physically and emotionally depleted easily. After spending a day in preschool, a child may be unable to maintain appropriate conduct.  Similarly, children are liable to meltdowns when tired or hungry.
• The child may be copying children who are disrespectful. Some children are prone to imitating the least respectful behavior they observe, including lapses in parental interactions with each other or with authority figures.
• The disrespectful behavior may be caused by the child suffering from bullying at school, or from physical, emotional or other abuse at home or elsewhere.

Parenting

• Blurred boundaries between parent and child, where the parent switches from friend to authority figure without warning make it difficult for the child to snap back into subordinate mode.
• Parents persistently under-reacting (ignoring) or over-reacting (getting upset) to chutzpa leads to more of it.
• Disappointment with the parents, perhaps because of their breaking promises or commitments, may cause disrespectful behavior. Parents are not always aware of how a child may decide that a tentative plan or a rule was a serious commitment.

Within the Child

• Poor impulse control, innate aggressiveness, anger management challenges or emotional weaknesses may lead to defiance.
• The child may not be fully aware of the differences in how one speaks to a parent, teacher, or peer. Parents and educators should take the child’s social maturity and level of social skills into account before determining that a behavior was chutzpadik.
• The child might not know how to express deep emotions or frustration properly.

Lacking the social skills to apologize or to compromise, a child might resort to defiance from not knowing what to do next when there’s a social crisis.

• Children who feel neglected, unloved, or treated unfairly are more likely to become defiant. This may occur when there is family member who needs extra care.

Creating a Healthy Framework

Modeling Appropriate Behavior

The most effective technique for teaching children respect is to model it in all interactions without exception: within the family (spouses, small children) and outside the family (neighbors, janitors, mailmen, etc.).

The Parent/Child Relationship

Children are wired to naturally look up to their parents.  In order to maintain this attitude, it is advisable for parents to develop a relationship with their children based on a sense of dignity and authority while simultaneously cultivating a warm relationship so that the child feels that his/her parents love and accept him/her.

Parents should avoid trying to be their child’s peer or friend, because this confuses the child into treating parents like peers.  Instead, parents should see their role as nurturing their child by providing for his/her physical and emotional needs and by imposing a framework that will allow him to develop self-discipline and life skills.  This does not mean that parents should place themselves on a pedestal since this often leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment on the child’s part.  The parents should try to be mentors and role models who are sincerely and deeply interested in the child’s welfare.

This relationship precludes the parent getting drawn into emotional conflicts with the child.  If they play competitive games, the parent should not be out to win but to help the child enjoy him/herself or to improve skills.  Should the child misbehave, the parent intervenes in order to help the child acquire better strategies, not in order to satisfy feelings of anger or disappointment.

Parents make it easier for their children to look up to them by conducting themselves with dignity in the home.  This includes maintaining a standard of dress appropriate for adults.  It may also be helpful to teach the children some of the halachos of honoring their parents: not sitting in their seats, standing up when they enter the room, etc.  However, these practices are best taught and enforced on behalf of others, such as the other spouse or the grandparents.

Boundaries for Children

While parenting involves setting boundaries to keep their children from seeing them as peers, parents themselves need to respect their children’s boundaries.   Parents do not own their children and are obligated to treat them with appropriate respect.  This precludes humiliating, screaming, and other demeaning behavior towards the children.

As little children grow into teenagers, the rules of parental engagement change, with parents being more like guides than directors.

Note: Establishing personal boundaries for children helps protect them against predators. This includes privacy in the bathroom and when dressing.  Allocating personal spaces for children: their own dresser, shelf, etc. also helps them learn that “their bodies belong to them”.

Using Words to Set Attitudes

Children can begin learning respect and gratitude when parents teach them, from the beginning, to say please and thank-you.  The later these terms are introduced, the harder it is to “re-program” the children.  These lessons are better absorbed when parents consistently use these terms also.  As the children grow, they may be taught to say “Excuse me” to request as opposed to demand attention.

Another method for inculcating respect is to train children while they are still young to refer to adults as Mr., Mrs., or Miss.  Where adults may be uncomfortable with such formality, a compromise is to use Uncle/Aunt for close family friends and Cousin as a prefix for relatives.

Setting Family Rules

There is less scope for conflict and defiance if expectations are laid out in advance.  It is worthwhile for parents to take time to think about what is important to them and is worth investing time and emotional energy in enforcing consistently.  Having the toys picked up?  Children in bed on time?   Table cleared and dishes washed immediately after supper?  There have to be priorities.  This is an individual matter to be decided per family.  Rules may be compiled to express the family’s preference.  These rules become red-lines to be enforced.  The fewer the rules, the less scope for disrespect.  Moreover, it is easier to be consistent when enforcing fewer rules.

Implementing a Discipline System

Parenting programs such as Love and Logic (Mrs. Becky Udman teaches a frum version https://www.beckyudmanparenting.com/ ) and 1 2 3 Magic are designed to give parents a system for improving parent/child relationships and instilling obedience and cooperation.  The advantage of such systems is that they decrease the scope for making ad hoc disciplinary decisions which may be swayed by parental emotions.

While these programs have been helpful for many families, educators sometimes find them more harmful than helpful.  Moreover, what works with one child might not be effective with another.  It is a good idea to consult a Rav or Mechanech(es) who knows the children before embarking on one.

The Limits of Respect

While parents are teaching children to treat others with respect, unfortunately, they need to explain to children that if someone (grandparent, sibling, babysitter, neighbor, tutor, etc.) makes them feel uncomfortable, they should try to leave and must quickly inform their parents or another trusted adult.  The principle of automatic respect for elders has been used to cover abuse and children need to be taught “run, yell and tell!”.

The Center for Jewish Family Life/Project YES (845 426-2243) is a resource to learn more about protecting children. Project YES has been at the forefront of efforts to keep children safe from abuse for the past fifteen years. Together with Artscroll/Mesorah, they co-published the landmark child safety book “Let’s Stay Safe,” available in all Judaica stores that carry Artscroll books.

 

Heading off Inappropriate Behavior

Keeping expectations realistic may be a good starting point for managing children’s behavior.  Parents may want to consult Rebbeim, Morahs, and/or a few friends with slightly older children to learn behavioral norms for the children’s age range.  Parents might find The Yardsticks series by Chip Wood helpful as it clearly lays out children’s developmental stages.

Planning Outings

Outings should be planned as much as possible around the children’s needs, schedules, and temperament.  Admittedly, this is less feasible where there are children of different ages and interests.  However, parents may pack food and drinks and include resting time in the itinerary to avoid overwhelming the children.  Children should also be prepared in advance to know what to expect and they should be coached about how to behave.

Picking up Signals

Behavior is communication.  If a preschooler refuses to cooperate to go out in the afternoon, this may mean that s/he’s “had it” for the day.  Consider dropping or rescheduling optional outings or activities.

Preparing for Angry Outbursts

If a child is prone to intense fits of temper (meltdowns), it may help to plan ahead with the child for the next outburst.  Parent and child may prepare a box with calming activities: toys, music, books, solitary games, gum, etc.  Depending on the child’s needs, it may be good to include toys or gadgets that help with sensory integration issues.  A parent can work with the child in advance, perhaps through role playing, to demonstrate how, when the child begins to feel that s/he is losing control, to self-soothe with the contents of the box.  An important advantage of this approach is that this starts the child on the path toward greater self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Children’s books are available that deal with anger; parents may find it useful to read these with children who suffer from anger problems.

Note: It is also important to investigate potential causes. For example, some children struggle with sensory integration and are easily overwhelmed

Educational Resources

Pediatricians or school staff who know the child may be able to recommend books or CDs with proven approaches to handling children with specific issues. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk  (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish) is recommended for using empathy to improve relationships within the family.

Dealing with Chutzpa

The universal rule for dealing with defiance is to maintain composure.  The child has “won” if s/he succeeds in pushing a parent into an emotional outburst.  Parental responses need to be low-key in order to de-escalate the situation.  Where possible, having the other parent deal with the child may defuse a nasty situation.  In general, the worst time to teach children about respect is when parent and child are overwrought.

Parents who find it difficult to regulate their reactions to defiance may find it useful to seek outside guidance.

Very Young Children

When children start to speak, they may begin speaking inappropriately to their parents out of ignorance or from a desire to experiment.  This is the time for parents to explain that “This is not how we speak to Mommy.”

Young children may disobey explicit rules in order get attention or out of curiosity—what will happen if I break the rule?  They are trying to understand how their world functions, what is expected of them, and what happens next.  This is why they are prone to test limits until someone pushes back.

Distraction is often recommended when little children start acting out.  Removing the object, or the child, is feasible at this age.  There is usually an underlying need when the child misbehaves, e.g. a need for exercise.  Finding an alternative activity that meets this need will effectively solve the problem.

As much as possible, parents should try to explain to the child what s/he is feeling and why s/he is misbehaving, whether or not they are able to alleviate the problem.  This in itself may calm the child, since it is scary to have strong feelings that one cannot understand.

Temper Tantrums

A tantrum, as opposed to a genuine loss of control, is a manufactured, manipulative action to take control.  If the tantrum cannot be ignored, an effective reaction is to repeat, very calmly, something along the lines of “We’re don’t do this. Stop it.” over and over again.

If the child totally loses control (a child can work him/herself into a frenzy), the focus should be on keeping the child and the environment safe until the fit subsides.

Avoiding Impulsive Parenting

The first time an unexpected inappropriate behavior occurs, parents may be best off overlooking it and seeing if it happens again.  One’s initial reactions may not be correct and it is better to give oneself time to think it over and to get advice.  Consider if the child truly meant to be obnoxious, or whether s/he simply made an error.  Much depends on the child’s developmental level.  It is generally better to give a child the benefit of the doubt than to label him/her as defiant.

A compromise may be to gently tell the child that this was not the right way to act/speak without labeling him/her as chutzpadik. Later, when the situation is calmer, parents may privately discuss with the child the difference between respectful and disrespectful speech and behavior.

Teaching Respect

Telling people to respect you tends not to work.  Modeling respectful behavior is far more effective in the long run.  In addition, a parent may tell a child to treat the other parent or other adults, especially grandparents more respectfully.

The best time to deal with a child who tends to be verbally aggressive is when parent and child are both calm.  Mother might say, “Let’s practice how we talk to Mommy when we’re angry.”  If it’s a recurrent problem, parents may model an incident, showing the appropriate way to express oneself.  The key is to help the child expand his/her range of possible responses to frustrating or difficult situations.

If a child is casually nasty, parents may tell him/her to apologize and then seek the cause for this behavior.  Should aggressive behavior continue, teaching the child the concept of restitution may be effective. For instance, if the speech hurt a sister’s feelings, a mere apology is not enough. The child must give the sister a good feeling, i.e. a card made especially for the sister or sharing of a toy. This helps the child attune properly into feelings of another person.

Tips for Correcting the Child

• Make it clear that this for the child’s benefit. It should never be about the parent’s feelings or the parent’s need for respect.
• Avoid aggressive body language such as towering over the child or speaking in the child’s face. Communication is more effective when the parent speaks with palms out, not down at their side. For younger children, the parent may find it helpful to bend down to the child’s level.
• Avoid responses that silence the child. The child is trying to communicate a message that the parents need to know and the child needs to feel that the parent wants to understand his/her message.  Some examples: “I very much want to hear what you’re saying; please tell me when you’re ready.”  “I understand that you are really upset that …. I’m sorry I cannot do what you wanted”.  It may be necessary to repeat these lines, calmly, until the child is ready to speak appropriately.

Conclusion

When teaching a child how to ride a bike, the child needs an understanding of the mechanics of the bike. How does it work? How does it get fixed? The history and the philosophy behind the bike may also be important. But, more than just the facts are needed. The parent needs to model the behavior. The parent must show the child how to ride the bike. This concept is the same with behavior.