Tagged Younger Children

Play Dates

 

The material in this article was compiled by interviewing Moros, Rebbetzins, and many parents in our community.  We hope that parents will find this information useful for handling some of the social challenges involved in soliciting, hosting, and accepting play date invitations.

What is a Playdate?

A play date is an arrangement for children from different families to play together.  All children, even those from large, busy families, benefit from playing with their peers.  Playing and sharing are different when the playmate is from outside the family.  This kind of interaction helps foster appropriate social development in children.

Some children find their playmates without parental involvement.  When children live on a block with many neighbors their own age and gender, the play dates usually come naturally.  Other children, including children who do not have playmates in their area, children without siblings of the same gender close to them in age, and children who are shy, may need help finding play mates.   It can be a true Chessed to encourage one’s children to accept play date invitations with such children.

How to Generate Play Dates

Ask the Morah/Rebbe:  Pre-School leaders, Rebbes and Morah for the early grades are a great source for ideas as to which children are most likely to be compatible with your son/daughter.

Meet the Other Mothers:  Some mothers are most comfortable accepting play dates for their children once they have met the other mother.  Attending school functions, including orientations, parent teacher conferences, as well as the Yeshiva dinner and other fundraisers, are good ways to connect to mothers of a child’s classmates.  Volunteering at the school is another venue.

Start Small:  When the mothers of the two children do not know each other, it can ease the comfort level of the “other” mother and her child, to propose a short outing to the local playground after school.  If that works, the experience will build trust for future play dates in the home.

Be Flexible:  Offer to provide transportation one or both directions if the parent of the child being invited finds it inconvenient to chauffeur children to play dates (especially if they have babies in the house).  Also, mixing ages enlarges the children’s play mate pool.  Children can have a wonderful time together even with (sometimes, because of) a one or two year age gap.

Be Open About Sensitive Issues:  Some parents are hesitant to send their children to homes with which they are not familiar, particularly if their standard in Kashrus or entertainment may be different from that of the inviting parent.  Such parents are more comfortable if the subject is discussed when the play date is proposed.  The inviting parent can state, for example, if they keep Cholov Yisroel  or if they allow computer games and videos.  If the standards in the two homes are different, a parent may suggest that the visiting child bring his/her own snack.  In addition, both parents should agree whether or not videos/computer games, etc. will be available during the play date.

What is Behind a “No”

A “no” to a play date invitation can take different forms. A common one is to use a diplomatic phrase: “He/she has other plans”.  If repeated tries do not result in a play date, one can conclude that the child or the parents would rather not have the play date.  If the solicited parent actually wants a future play date he/she make this explicit.

When a parent’s play date proposal is rejected by the other party, the parent and the child may both feel the disappointment of rejection, especially when the child has trouble making friends.  Below are some common reasons for the “no”.  Note: some of these reasons represent obstacles that can be overcome.  Open communication between the families can help smooth potential problems and enable the play date to occur.   Where these obstacles cannot be worked around, it is beneficial for both the inviting parent and the child to move on to other play mate options.

Large, Busy Families  

Parents of large families are less motivated to seek out play dates for their children, even when their children would appreciate their own personal social outing.  Their children are not starving for social stimulation as they have siblings at home.  And, if one child has a play date, five other children might demand their own play dates.  These parents simply cannot afford the hassle of chauffeuring their children around town.

The Other Child  

Sometimes, a child proposes a play date with another child even though the two of them do not have a relationship and do not interact in school.  In such cases, it is probably best for the parent of the child being invited to make this clear, rather than causing the other parent to feel a personal rejection.  The inviting parent might wish to speak to his/her child’s teacher to find out which children would be more amenable to come and play.

In situations where the child who is soliciting the play date clearly needs the social interaction, parents of the invited child might consider encouraging their child to go on the play date even if an incentive is necessary.  They should arrange for the play date to be short and explain to their child that they will pick him/her up early if necessary.  Depending on circumstances, the play date might be vital for the hosting child’s social development, and the reluctant playmate might actually enjoy the experience.

A child who is known to be challenging will have trouble attracting play mates.  The parents of such children may need to discuss the situation with the child’s teachers, and perhaps bring in professional expertise to help their child learn appropriate social behavior.

Fear of the Unknown

Parents are sometimes reluctant to send their children to an unknown place.  Common concerns include the emotional climate of the home, different Kashrus standards, and the use of electronic entertainment, such as videos, computer games and the Internet.  It is highly frustrating for parents who are careful to shelter their children from certain aspects of popular culture, to find that their children were exposed to these things on a play date.  A child that has been exposed sometimes wants more, making it harder for the parents to guide him/her along the path they have chosen.

Additionally, parents who maintain a modest standard of living may prefer to avoid sending their children to homes that are on a more lavish scale.

Concern About Supervision

Children from young families might find older siblings in another family intimidating.  Additionally, parents with small families might be concerned that their child will not be properly supervised in a home where the parents are busy with their other, smaller children.

Working parents sometimes hire a babysitter to watch their child(ren) until they arrive home from work.  Not all parents are comfortable with their child being watched by an unknown babysitter.

Parents need to agree on areas such as safety (car seats, etc.) and nutrition (use of junk food).   Each family has to decide its own policy as to how strictly to enforce these standards outside their own home.

Hosting the Play Date

Health Issues

The hosting parent(s) should inquire in advance whether their guest suffers from any health issues that they need to know about, such as food or environmental allergies.  Ideally, the host should let the invitee’s parents know what kinds of foods they serve as snacks as well.  It is also a good practice to have an emergency contact number (i.e. a cell phone) for the other child’s parents.

Keeping An Eye on Things

It is a good idea for the hosts to monitor the progress of the play date, especially when it is the first play date with this guest.  Young children find it difficult to tell the hosting parents when they have had enough.  Drinks and snacks should be offered periodically.  Often, young children do not express themselves when they need to eat or drink and their behavior deteriorates.  Very young children should be shown the toilet and be reminded to use it.

When the Children Get Bored

Below are some ideas for jumpstarting a play date when it stalls:

  • Take out some toys that are reserved exclusively for play dates.
  • Suggest an “art project”. Use old magazines, ribbons, scraps etc. along with paper and glue for collage making.
  • Have the children move to a different part of the house. If they’re upstairs, suggest they go downstairs.  If they’ve been inside for a while, suggest they go outside, weather permitting.  The change in scenery will stimulate their own new ideas for play.
  • Take them to the park (if the other parent gives permission)
  • Ask them to help you with a simple household chore, such as peeling potatoes
  • Read to them. Even children who know how to read enjoy hearing adults read to them.  This can be very relaxing for children.  After the stories, their creativity is likely to be rekindled, and they will be on their way with new play endeavors.
  • Spend a few minutes asking them about school. Perhaps even offer a few questions for them to answer on the Parsha.  These parental interactions provide fuel and a break from the intensity of continuous peer play.
  • Turn on a story tape

If your child and a particular play date tend to be consistently bored, perhaps it is time to give the relationship a break.   If the boredom continues over an extended period of time, consider that while the other child may be a fine child, he/she may not be the right match for your child.  This can get “sticky” when the mothers are friendly, as one may take it as an insult.  But, when this is handled in a sensitive and diplomatic manner, the children can ultimately benefit from moving on from a relationship which was not so compatible.

Common Complaints and Solutions

Extended Play Dates

It is proper for the parent of the play date (invitee) to set an approximate time for when they will pick up their child and to stick with this time table.  Younger children find it difficult to handle being away from their home for long stretches of time.  The hosting family may have other plans which must wait until the play date is picked up.  Moreover, shorter play dates are more likely to be remembered pleasantly than overly long ones.

(Of course, the parties might mutually agree to extend the play date if the children are having a great time.)

For first time play dates, it is helpful when the parents of the invited child check in once or twice to make sure things are going smoothly.  Moreover, if the parent expects to be late picking up, it is greatly appreciated if he/she calls to update the host.

Too Much of a Good Thing

Some families attract other children.  They can find themselves hosting four or five classmates at a time (sometimes for each of several siblings!).  When parents know that their child enjoys visiting a certain family, it is courteous for them to work out a policy for when their child can or cannot join an existing play date.  This eases the dilemma of parents who cannot say no, but are frequently overwhelmed with company.

Phone Calls that are not Returned

Parents seeking play dates for their children often leave messages on other parents’ answering machines.  When the other parent does not call back, the inviting parent is left hanging: not knowing whether they will be called back and the play date accepted, or whether they should continue looking for other options.

Promoting Sensitivity

Play dates are more likely to occur when people from different backgrounds feel that they are understood and that their concerns are taken seriously.  When planning class activities that occur outside the school, such as birthday parties and sleepovers, it is important to take into account everyone’s needs and sensitivities, so that everyone feels comfortable.  Adopting a common standard for Kashrus and for entertainment at class events may promote feelings of inclusion.  Moreover, children can be encouraged to avoid discussing plans for certain activities right in front of children who are not permitted to engage in these activities.

Children from all backgrounds benefit when they are guided towards tolerance for their peers and acceptance of differences among other people.  It may take effort for children to learn to overlook physical handicaps, social challenges, and differences in Chinuch, in other children, but at the end, this creates a society in which everyone can flourish.

 

The Babysitting Scene

Babysitting by teenagers is an important part of the community infrastructure for young families.  Unless extended family lives nearby, hiring a teen babysitter may be the only way that parents can go out at night, whether to a Simcha, to shop, or to important meetings.  We researched the babysitting situation in our community in order to find the unwritten rules and expectations that govern the interaction between the parents who hire the babysitter, the babysitter, and the parents of the babysitter.  We hope that sharing this information will help each of these parties understand the needs of the others.  Note: since most babysitters are girls, we will use female pronouns for the most part.

Background Information

Children typically begin babysitting at age thirteen, although some girls start at age twelve.  Younger babysitters are paid less than older, experienced sitters.  The advantage of hiring younger babysitters is that they are more available and they are more likely to play with the children.  It is wise, however, for parents to use them at first on a trial basis, for shorter jobs, since twelve year olds vary considerably in their maturity level.  Most girls stop babysitting once they are out of high school.

Hiring Boys

Boys are much less available than girls for babysitting, since they often attend out-of-town Mesivtas, or are expected to spend long hours at their local Mesivta.  Additionally, minyan for Mincha and Maariv usually occurs during babysitting hours.

Boys can make great babysitters. For instance, boys relate to boys better and they are more likely to enjoy sports and the like together.   However, for various reasons, it is best to hire a boy only when all the children in the family are boys.  Yichud issues may apply when there are girls over age three.

Finding a Babysitter

When looking for a babysitter, parents usually begin by calling neighbors and friends with older children.  Parents blessed with such resources are fortunate, because they know the babysitter and the babysitter knows them and their children.

A problem arises when parents need to reach beyond their social circle.  Typically, they call the girls they usually hire, and these girls provide the names of friends who babysit.  Another option for finding babysitters is to network with women who work in the high schools.  There are girls in town who are not receiving babysitting requests.  Moros might be willing to ask in class for girls who would like more babysitting opportunities and give their names to parents.

Parents have to decide whether they are willing to hire a babysitter whom they do not know.  If the babysitter is from the “wrong” crowd, they might find that their children have been exposed to ideas or language that they consider inappropriate.

On the other hand, most parents of babysitters do not allow their children to work at an unknown home.  Besides the standard fear of strangers, parents are concerned that their child will be exposed to television, to internet access, or to reading material that they do not approve.   Parents looking for babysitters can allay such fears by providing references at the outset: the names of other babysitters they have used in the past or the name of their Rav.  The parents of the babysitter may tell the parent calling for the sitter that they will get back to them, presumably after checking the references.

Tips for the Parents Hiring the Babysitter

Understanding the Babysitter

The reality in our community is that the demand for babysitting exceeds the supply. There are many reasons for this.  Young families outnumber families with older children.  High school girls have little time to spare for babysitting.  Students have homework, exams, and school play rehearsals.  Apart from schoolwork, girls are obliged to spend an hour a week on a Chessed activity, often involving child care.  Many girls do more than one Chessed assignment.  Moreover, parents need their older daughters to help with their own children: babysitting, homework help, bathing the kids, etc.

In addition, some girls do not enjoy babysitting.  Many see it as a Chessed activity, even when they are being paid for it.  They would rather study in their own home than study in a strange house, even when the children are asleep.

Since it is so difficult to find babysitters, parents who need babysitting are well advised to be as considerate as possible to the sitters.  Babysitters expect to be treated with the same consideration one accords to adults, but they will rarely speak up for themselves.  If they feel unhappy with how they are being paid or how late the parents return, they will not complain.  However, they may refuse future jobs with that family, and they will not give their friends’ names to that family.  Thus, the parents may have no idea why they are not finding babysitters.

Pay 

Teen-age babysitters are paid anywhere from five to ten dollars an hour, depending on the age of the babysitter.  When parents ask babysitters how much they charge, some girls have been taught to respond with “whatever you wish.”  The idea is to spare poor families the embarrassment of not being able to pay market rates.  Parents need to keep in mind, however, that most girls are more likely to work for parents who pay the higher rates.  Unsurprisingly, most girls are more likely to work for parents who pay the higher rates.

The girls are also shy about reminding parents to pay them.  This puts the onus on the parents to make sure that they have cash (including small change!) with them so they are able to pay on the spot.  A check is second best, since the parents of the babysitter will have to cash it for their daughter.  Paying the babysitter in scrip (Chessed money) is also resented, both by the girl and by her parents, since they will be stuck with changing it into cash and they have their own scrip obligations.  Girls will usually not remind parents to pay them the next day.  They are also likely to decline babysitting jobs with that family in the future, unless they feel that the family cannot afford it and that the babysitting job is a pure Chessed.

Lateness

Both the babysitters and their parents resent it strongly when parents return later than they specified.  This is true even if the girls are accustomed to staying up late hours.  If the parents find they are unexpectedly delayed, they should let the babysitter know as soon as possible.  When the parents call up the babysitter and ask if she minds if they return later, they are pressuring the girl to stay later.  Most teenage girls do not have the self-confidence to say no to the adults.  However, parents who are persistently late will find it more difficult to obtain babysitters.

Working Conditions

Babysitters are more efficient when parents take the time to show them where the children sleep and to explain to them the supper/bedtime routine.   If the children are already asleep, parents should make sure to show the babysitter where they are sleeping, in case there is an emergency such as a fire and the children need to be evacuated.  It is better to avoid telling the babysitter to put a child to bed in the master bedroom.  If there is a pet in the house, the babysitter should be told in advance.

Parents may smooth their children’s behavior by offering them rewards for good reports from the sitter.  A major challenge for babysitters is the baby who cries and will not stop.  When parents know that their baby has a tendency to cry, they should inform the babysitter.  Parents should remember to equip the babysitter with pacifiers or bottles if they might be useful in quieting the baby.

Parents should consider cancelling their outing if a child is sick, especially if there is a fever.  Babysitters should be warned if a child is contagious and given the option not to babysit.  Moreover, sick children find their own parents more comforting when they are under stress.

If the babysitter will be serving food to the children, the food should be prepared by the parents before they leave or be ready to be heated.  Babysitters also appreciate it when the parents provide them with nosh—even though it is often left untouched.  Many girls feel shy about taking food from the house they are working in.  If they are given a plate full of small items such as cookies or chocolate lentils, they are more likely to take some.  Fruit is a good nosh to provide, since so many girls are dieting; leave a knife if it will be needed.  Drinks should also be made available.  It is courteous to tell babysitters that they can take what they want from the fridge or the pantry.  High school girls are unlikely to abuse this privilege.

Babysitters need a clean, uncluttered spot to relax or to study in.

 

Videos

The family of the babysitter may have different standards and policies for video watching than the parents hiring the babysitter.  If the kids will be watching videos, the babysitter should be informed in advance, so that she may consult her parents.

 

Rules and Structure

Instructions are important.  However, parents should avoid too many or too detailed instructions.  Babysitters need to know the parents’ policies about:

Telephone Use

Is the babysitter allowed to use the phone?  Should she pick up the “click” that indicates that someone is trying to call in?  Should the sitter answer the phone?  Take messages?  If yes, writing materials should be provided, so that the sitter does not need to go through the drawers.

Computer Use

The parents ask their sitter’s parents what their family’s policies are about computer and internet usage.  Babysitters sometimes appreciate being able to use their host’s computer for school work.  However, if the computer has access to the internet, it is prudent to “lock up” the computer.  Such a policy is advisable not merely to protect the babysitter from temptation, but also to protect one’s computer.

Bringing a Friend

Babysitters often enjoy having a friend with them.  This may be beneficial for the children, if there is more “manpower”.  It may also relieve the babysitter’s boredom once the children are asleep.  It is prudent for the parents to know exactly whom (and how many) the babysitter is bringing.  Note: parents are not expected to pay for the “extra” sitter if they did not request the second sitter.

How Many Babysitters?

Hiring more babysitters depends on the number of children and on their behavior.    It is up to the parents to decide how many babysitters they require.  Parents have mentioned ratios of four or five children per sitter when the children are all awake.  If the parents decide to hire more than one babysitter, they should pay each one separately.

Tips for Babysitters

Obtain Basic Information

Make sure parents provide their cell phone numbers, the name of the place they are going to, emergency contact information, and ideally, the phone number of their children’s pediatrician.  Babysitters should ask parents if any of the children have specific health issues, such as allergies or asthma.

Be on time

A parent may be late to something important if the babysitter arrives late.

Interacting with the Kids

Most parents expect the babysitter to play with the children.  And, children are more likely to listen to babysitters who have “invested” time in them.

When to Call the Parents

Parents should be called immediately when there is a medical emergency.  A baby crying uncontrollably may constitute an emergency if this baby is not known to cry.

Find a Replacement

The babysitter is expected to find a replacement if there is a need to cancel.  It pays to keep one’s parents in the loop, to avoid a cancellation due to family obligations.

Speak to Your Parents

If there was something unusual or disturbing about the babysitting experience, please let your parents know.

Halacha Issues for Parents and Babysitters

Babysitters and both sets of parents need to learn the Yichud issues involved in babysitting.  Generally, girls over age three can be a problem for male sitters, and boys over nine for female sitters.  A Rav can give specific advice on how to work with these issues.  While it is not necessarily a Yichud problem, girls and their parents usually prefer that the mother drive the babysitter home when the job is over, especially at night.

Non-payment, late payment, or payment in scrip present serious Halachic problems.  Special arrangements may be needed to pay the babysitter if he/she comes on Shabbos.

When parents pick the sitter up later than specified or cancel at the last minute, they should consult their Rav about their obligation to pay for the time that they reserved, but did not actually use.

Babysitters should be aware that they are obliged to respect the privacy of the family they work for.  This means that they should keep out of areas of the home that do not pertain to their work.  Drawers and cabinets should not be opened unless there is a specific need.

Advice to Parents

Because it is so difficult to find babysitters, it is advisable to plan ahead.  Look for neighbors who have younger daughters, and ask them if their children can babysit for short stretches of time from age twelve.  Start paying them at lower rates, which you increase gradually as the girl becomes older and builds a relationship with your children.   Young girls are usually loyal to their first clients, and may accept to babysit when needed, even after the high school years.

Respite Programs

There are families where the need for respite goes beyond occasionally hiring a babysitter.  Individual communities may have resources to help such families, especially where there are disabled children or single-parent households.  It may pay to ask local Rabbanim or old-timers in the community where to find help.

Is Your Pre-schooler Ready for School?

We usually take it for granted that when our child finishes pre-school (kindergarten in the Yeshiva system, nursery in the public school setting) at around age five, s/he will continue to Pre1A.  However, this is not always the case as some children need to repeat the kindergarten year.

Holding Back: Pros and Cons

While interviewing local school staff and parents for this article, we were struck by the unanimity with which everyone recommended a child repeating preschool when there is a doubt about readiness for school the next year.  Educators acknowledged that some children may feel stigmatized, but with correct handling the outcome would be beneficial.

The preference for delaying a child’s promotion is based on observing the experiences of children who start school before they are ready.  A child with social delays is likely to suffer from bullying and/or social exclusion; academic delays mean constant struggles to keep pace with the curriculum.  This often leads to chronic frustration during the child’s formative years, along with a failure to benefit from his/her education.  By contrast, these educators have witnessed many cases where the same type of child matured during the repeated year and thrived in Pre1A.  These children often become class leaders, boosting their self-esteem, and leading to a desirable outcome.

Why Holding Back Has Become More Accepted Today

  • Accumulated Experience – Educators have seen the benefits of delaying children.
  • Increased Awareness of the Costs of Pushing Ahead – There are long-term consequences when a child’s school experience has been negative.
  • Higher Expectations at School – Children are starting “school” earlier than ever, with many attending playgroup at age two.  By age five, these children are used to a classroom-like setting and are ready to learn.
  • Increased Number of Children Repeating Preschool – As awareness of the benefits of repeating has risen, the stigma has decreased and more children repeat the year.  Thus, the age range and the average age of the typical Pre1A class have increased, further handicapping the less mature members of the class.

Which Children are Candidates for Repeating

Teachers may decide that a child is not ready for school if s/he displays the following in pre-school:

  • Social Delays – Lack of positive interactions with peers, tendency to get into fights, inappropriate responses to teachers (i.e., saying “no” when given directions).
  • Academic Delays – Trouble learning the letters, following the thread of narratives, answering questions.
  • Impulsiveness – Difficulty behaving in an age appropriate manner, tendency to hit.
  • Fine/Gross Motor Delays – Difficulty holding and using crayons, scissors, etc.  “Klutziness” in sports-related activities, like running and jumping.
  • Delay in Self Help Skills – Excessive dependence on teachers for bathroom, eating, etc.
  • Constant Desire to Play – Lack of interest, inability to sit and pay attention during circle time.  This may be a normal child who just isn’t “ready.”

These factors all indicate that a child will have trouble adjusting to “real” school.  When delays are compounded by the child’s late birthday, within two months of school’s cut-off date (often December 31), the school staff is likely to recommend that the child postpone entry into Pre1A.

For girls, social awkwardness is often considered the more serious problem than academic delays, since status in the classroom depends on one’s social skills (although academic proficiency is helpful, too).  For boys, the academic side is more important, since “learning” is emphasized so much in their curriculum.  Delays in physical coordination may make it impossible for a child to join in the recess games crucial for social success.  Behavior challenges are as serious a problem as academic delays.  With tutoring and/or resource room sessions, an otherwise well-adjusted child might be able to handle school, whereas a child who cannot behave appropriately may need constant disciplining and may experience social problems.

A child, who is academically gifted but lags socially, emotionally, or physically, is likely to benefit from the extra year in pre-school.  It will be the responsibility of the teachers and parents to find ways to enrich the curriculum in order keep him/her stimulated.  The repeat year is also beneficial for the child who is academically deficient.  The child might catch up during the extra year, or the maturity s/he gains might make it easier to cope or to excel in other areas.

Making a Decision

Ideally, pre-school staff should begin discussing the repeating preschool option in the middle of the year.  Unless it is a clear-cut immaturity issue (the child has a late birthday and/or is acting a little “young”), parents should have their child evaluated.  The evaluation process, provided free of charge by the Board of Education, may yield crucial information about the source of the child’s delays.  Early intervention in the form of speech, physical, or occupational therapies may be crucial for the child’s future success.

Parents may also intervene during the kindergarten year and the following summer to help their child.  Having a parent review the alphabet, colors, shapes, and other material learned in school may diminish academic delays.  Reading stories, discussing the parsha, and asking questions may help the child remember better and grasp concepts more easily.  Social delays may be mitigated through supervised play dates or through social skills classes for more severe deficits.  These types of interventions help the parent learn more about the child’s problems.  If they do not work, the parent knows that the deficits are deep-rooted or the child isn’t ready.

Sometimes, a child experiences a maturity spurt over the summer.  If the parents are convinced that their child has made sufficient progress, they may re-open the question of whether to repeat the year.

It is not always clear, even to the school staff, whether the child must repeat.  Parents may decide to make the adjustment to Pre1A easier on their child by postponing it a year.  In fact, parents with older sons in yeshiva are more likely to opt to have a boy repeat kindergarten.

Parents should be aware that when a child who was a candidate for repeating preschool moves directly into Pre1A, it is possible that s/he will have to repeat Pre1A or a higher grade.  Each year, the stigma increases—parents may be taking a high-stakes gamble when they reject the option to repeat preschool.

Handling the Repeated Year

Once parents have decided to repeat the child’s preschool year, they should foster friendships over the summer with classmates who will also repeat the year.  The school should ensure that children who are repeating the year are assigned a different teacher and classroom than the one that they had the previous year.  It is beneficial for the child’s self-esteem for the child to be a teacher’s helper at the onset, perhaps helping the teacher set up the classroom.

It is the responsibility of the parents to explain tactfully to their child why s/he is not entering Pre1A.  This task is smoothest when the child has a late birthday.  Parents may explain to the child that his/her birthday comes later than that of his/her classmates.  “First, you go to kindergarten with the younger children, then you go to the oldest class.”

If the child’s birthday is earlier in the year, parents may explain that many children “do kindergarten” twice.  Explaining this is much easier if parents all along avoided making references to the future: “When you are in Pre1a…” Parents should emphasize the positive: kindergarten is going to be lots of fun, you’ll enjoy it more the second time with the older children, you’ll be friends with…

The “repeater” may experience some discomfort during the first week of kindergarten as his/her former classmates go to Pre1A, but these feelings pass.  The most important factor in making the repeat successful is the parents’ attitude: if the parents are positive about the decision, the child will think positively about it.

Don’t “Just Repeat”

While that extra year in preschool may be all that some children need in order to excel for the rest of their academic career, other children need more.  The delays noted by the pre-school staff may be due to a variety of causes.  Parents might need to supplement the child’s schooling with speech, occupational, or physical therapy, social skills training, tutoring, and emotional support (i.e. tons of love).  Without this auxiliary support, the child who is left back may experience the stigma of being left back compounded by being at the bottom of the class.

Pre-emptive Strategy for Parents

The smoothest and least expensive way to have a child repeat a grade is to detect the delay as early as possible and have the child attend playgroup for an extra year.  Delays and potential problems are sometimes visible to the experienced eye by age three.  If a child has a late birthday or if a child is “difficult,” parents should think early about the repeated year option.

It is best to look for a playgroup with an experienced morah and to consult with her about how their child fits in with his/her peers.  While the morah may not be able to identify the source of the problem, she should be able to provide a valuable holistic appraisal.  If the morah is concerned, parents may ask a professional to observe and evaluate their child.  If they decide that another year of playgroup is warranted, the parents simply enroll the child in another playgroup the following year without the child realizing that s/he is being “held back.”

Reducing Stigmatization

It is appropriate for all parents of kindergarteners to tell their children that some of their classmates will be in kindergarten next year and others in Pre1A.  It does not matter where they are; each child is in the grade that is best for him/her.  When parents model acceptance of others and avoid judging or labeling, children are more tolerant rather than derogatory towards those who are different.  This creates a school atmosphere that is safer and emotionally healthier for everyone.

Conclusion

Successful parenting includes the willingness to see one’s child’s strengths and weaknesses clearly.  This allows parents to make decisions on the child’s behalf that may be painful in the short term.  Although repeating a year in pre-school does not always solve problems, parents are often able to improve their children’s prospects by giving “the gift of time.”