It is relatively easy to find the right Yeshiva for children who fit neatly into established categories.  However, there are many children who do not fit established educational categories, whether because of strengths and weaknesses or because of life circumstances.

While this article is written for parents of boys looking for the right Yeshiva high school (Mesivta) for their son, much of this material is relevant for parents of girls or of children who may benefit from switching schools. This article was written with extensive input from Rabbi Shmuel Gluck of Areivim, in Monsey, NY.  Rabbi Gluck has decades of experience helping families, including Passaic and Clifton, find the right Yeshivas for their children.

About Yeshivas

Yeshivas vary in size, level of learning, hashkafa, chinuch approach, and teaching style.  Boys also vary in their strengths, weaknesses, and needs.  Therefore, parents have to keep in mind that the Yeshiva that fits one child may be a bad choice for another. Moreover, most Yeshivas are geared for specific types of children.  If the child’s mix of strengths or weaknesses is not standard, for example, a child high on motivation and low on academic ability, there may not be a perfect placement.

Mainstream Yeshivas: “Aleph” & “Bais”

Boys who are good at learning gemara generally apply to the top tier Yeshivas: the “Aleph Mesivtas”.  Aside from being the most prestigious Yeshivas, the boys who attend them are often top boys in motivation and attitude.

Bais Mesivtas are meant for “good” boys (i.e. motivated) who do not learn gemara at the Aleph level.  Many out of town Yeshivas learn at a lower level, since they are designed to serve their local community where the elementary schools are less competitive than those in the tri-state area.

In-town (tri-state area) Bais Yeshivas are more accustomed to boys who grew up in the competitive in-town environment and have been unable to meet the advanced academic standard.  Some of these boys need emotional support and these Yeshivas may be more experienced than the out-of-town versions in meeting their needs.

Mainstream Yeshivas are the “regular” Yeshivas, whether aleph or bais level.  They bring together like-minded, motivated boys and have an effective system in place, where commitment and peer pressure help students meet expectations.

Most mainstream Yeshivas are not equipped for the boy who does not naturally conform to the Yeshiva’s hashkafa and practices.  While their Rebbeim build relationships with their students, those relationships are usually more about growth, than remedial support.  However, there are some mainstream bais (and a few aleph) Yeshivas which are more attuned to a holistic approach, preemptively helping children solve problems and intervening more as partners than as disciplinarians when things go wrong.  These are “supportive” or “mentor-based” Yeshivas.

Specialized Yeshivas

These are the Yeshivas with the high staff/student ratio, the experience, and the commitment to help children with challenges.  In order to provide each child with an individualized curriculum, they tend to be less structured and more creative with what they teach and how they teach it.  They are also more creative with handling behavior problems, seeing these more as opportunities to foster growth than as disciplinary issues.

Since these Yeshivas are designed to help children grow, their student body tends to include children who have individual challenges.  Therefore, parents may be concerned that a stigma may attach to boys who learn there even if they go on later to mainstream Bais Medrash post-high school.  These Yeshivas also have a much higher tuition due to their higher staff to student ratio..

Who Best Knows Your Child?

The Yeshiva placement process usually begins with the parents consulting their child’s Rebbe, principal or other Yeshiva staff who had a good relationship with their son, to find out which Yeshivas they recommend.

Especially when the child is not typical, it is possible that the parents and Yeshiva will have diverging views about the child and about which Yeshivas are most appropriate.  In this situation, parents are best advised to take the Yeshiva’s viewpoint seriously, even if they disagree with their placement recommendations.  Parents must keep in mind that the Yeshiva staff:

• Sees the child in the context of school. The academic performance and behavior displayed in this Yeshiva is likely to be replicated in the next one.
• Is vastly more experienced with children and the Mesivta acceptance process
• Is likely to be more objective than the parents.

Moreover, the child might not be communicating his real feelings to his parents, whether this is to spare their feelings or because of complications in their relationship.  Parents may also keep in mind that Yeshiva staff might be understating problems in order to be diplomatic.  For example, they may say, “We’re concerned that…”, rather than stating “We know that…” in the area of academics or behavior.

Getting Help with Yeshiva Placement

Yeshiva placement services are a valuable resource when parents need more options for their child, where parents question the Yeshiva’s advice, or where the child is very atypical.  Yeshiva placement is usually offered as a free service, often as part of an organization to help children.  Some of the advantages of using their services:

• They are aware of many more Yeshivas. Most elementary school principals have only a limited number of “go-to” Mesivtas that they know well and are accustomed to working with.  Placement professionals are trusted by the Yeshivas they work with and are more likely to be heard.
• They have vastly more experience with complicated placements and have a sense of what is most likely to work for the less typical children. A professional may find creative placements for challenging situations.
• Placement experts are more likely to be up-to-date with what actually goes on at a Yeshiva rather than relying on reputation.
• The placement service can help the parents and the child with the target Yeshiva, using their influence to have the child accepted and keeping in touch with the Yeshiva and the child to sort out problems that may arise.
• Children may be more willing to be frank to the placement professional. Rabbi Gluck of Areivim has found that parents tell him that they are looking for a Yeshiva with certain characteristics only to hear from the child that he wants the opposite.  For example, the parents are seeking a “Yeshivish” hashkafa where the child may have already rejected this.
• The professional may be more attuned to where the child “is really holding”. Rabbi Gluck observes that children’s behavior lags their internal attitude by six months, whether the child is growing or deteriorating.  This means that a child who presently conforms outwardly to the norms of his school may be on a hidden trajectory to different behavior.  For such a child, placement in a mainstream Yeshiva increases the risk of damage.

Yeshiva Placement Services

The placement expert should meet the child in person in order to get a direct sense of the child’s needs. It is best to go to someone who has experience helping children from the child’s community so that he will understand the child’s background and the nuances of his school experience.  There is usually no charge for the placement service, although parents who can afford it should try to donate to whatever organization the professional works with.

A few recommended experts:

• Rabbi Shmuel Gluck of Areivim, Monsey, shmuelgluck@areivim.com (914) 490 8129
• Shuli Halpert, Brooklyn, Johalpert@optonline.net, (917) 692 2702
• Rabbi Binyomin Strauss, Lakewood, (732) 370-2874

Erring on the “Safe” Side

Parents understandably prefer to send their child to the most mainstream Yeshiva that will accept him.  Aside from avoiding stigma and a higher tuition, it feels safer to place one’s child with more mainstream children at a more supportive institution.  However, the “conservative” option may be the one that is the least safe.

The child may be more likely to stick with the more supportive Yeshiva.  A child who is unhappy at school is more likely to leave or be expelled.  Once a child is sent away by a Yeshiva, it becomes much more difficult to place him in another one.  The only institution that may accept him after he is expelled may be even more stigmatizing than the one that the parents had originally rejected.  Additionally, there may be an option to “trade up” to more mainstream Yeshivas if the boy is successful at his first placement.

Many supportive Yeshivas are experienced with keeping students at different motivation levels from influencing each other.  On the other hand, boys who are unhappy at a more mainstream Yeshiva are likely to find each other and share negative attitudes and inappropriate pursuits.

Specialized Yeshivas are more likely to provide their students with the help they need to grow.  Problems that are ignored may well expand and impede the child’s future development including the ability to get married, stay married, or hold down a job.

What about the Academics?

Parents may be concerned that the Yeshiva recommended for their son teaches at a low level in kodesh and/or general studies.  However, the first task for a complicated child may be to recover from the previous school experience.  The child may need considerable time to build self-esteem and acquire essential life skills.  Once this is accomplished, the child may catch up with the academics.

Parents may need to keep in mind that sending a child to a school with a high level of learning or a quality general studies program does not mean that the child will apply himself and reap the benefits of these opportunities.

Any Yeshiva is Usually Better than No Yeshiva

A boy who is in Yeshiva is part of an institution and a set of rules.  Even if the rules are minimal and the child is not learning, he is still part of a system and feels a sense of belonging and accountability.  Unfortunately, when the child cannot or will not attend any school, the child may decide that he can do whatever he wants.  Homeschooling rarely works in the unstructured home environment.

Therefore, as long as being in Yeshiva is not damaging the child, it is better that he try or remain in a non-ideal placement than in no placement.

Placement Pointers for Non-Typical Boys

Motivated but Academically Weak

There are a variety of reasons for a child lagging academically, including learning disabilities, lower intellectual potential or emotional turmoil due to family problems.

Whatever the cause, parents need to keep in mind the possibility that the child may have suffered emotionally from years of failure in school, even if he seems fine.  While the obvious placement for an ehrliche (upright, committed) academically weak boy is a bais Yeshiva, the boy may need additional support in order to acquire good study habits and possibly to help him overcome emotional scarring.

Where the child’s underperformance seems to be due to a home situation, sending the child to a Bais Mesivta far from home can work well.  When travelling home requires a plane ticket, the child spends less time at home and may find it easier to focus on the learning. However, the parents should make sure that there is at least one warm, caring person at the Mesivta who can serve as a “goto” resource to provide the child with emotional support.

It is tempting to try to push an ehrliche but academically weak boy into an aleph Yeshiva so that he can be with the best boys.  This is often a mistaken strategy, setting up the boy for failure and the possibility of resorting to counter-productive behavior, unless the mesivta is experienced in finding ways for such boys to shine.

Socially Weak

Children who tend to get bullied or ostracized need a Mesivta placement that will also give them access to help acquiring social skills.  This may mean looking for an effective therapist along with finding the right Mesivta.

Some children seem socially weak because they lack friends, but otherwise they function well.  They might be introverted and simply not interested in having a social life.  These children may be happiest in a large Mesivta where they can be lost in the crowd and face less pressure to fit into the social scene.

On the other hand, while placement in a large Yeshiva is more comfortable, this may postpone the process of helping the child acquire valuable social skills.  Small classes in mainstream, out of town schools are usually the best option for learning to fit in, since regular sized classes may be overwhelming to the child.

Bullying can be a problem both in large classes which may consist of cliques that exclude loners and in small classes which may be dominated by one or two strong personalities.

Yiddishkeit Challenges

Children who have practical or ideological problems with Yiddishkeit need a Mesivta that is geared to addressing these issues.  Such Mesivtas do exist and each has its own approach to helping these boys.

Emotionally Fragile

This includes the anxious, depressed, OCD, bi-polar, and so on.  Sometimes, symptoms can be managed when the child is in a controlled environment, but this is not long-term solution since the child may fall apart once he’s in the “real world”.  Such children need a supportive Mesivta that also gives them access to quality therapy to begin working on their deeper issues.  Such Mesivtas may be easier to find in larger communities which have more resources than out-of-town communities.

Medical Issues

Where there are medical issues, it may be easiest and safest to stay local.

Non-local Mesivtas may be wary of admitting boys with chronic medical conditions that require medications, such as diabetes, severe allergies, and chemical imbalances.  Parents should first make sure that they have clarity about the child’s medical condition and needs.

Once they decide on which Mesivta(s) is appropriate for their son, they may need an advocate: a principal, Rebbe, or placement professional to help the Mesivta staff understand that they can handle the child’s needs.  Depending on the situation, it may be best to limit full disclosure of the child’s medical issues until the Mesivta staff meets the boy.  Once the boy is admitted, the parents may ask the staff or the local Bikur Cholim for medical referrals.

Should the Child Dorm?

There are many reasons to want to keep boys away from dormitories and under the closer supervision and more wholesome atmosphere of their home environment.  That said, there are circumstances where dorming may be the better option:

• If the home environment is unstable, unhealthy, or chaotic, children are often better off in a dorm. Children from divorced families are often more comfortable dorming since this helps them blend in with their peers who are also away from their families.
• Sometimes, the only way for the teenager to get along with family members is to get away.
• A true masmid (diligent student) may accomplish more in his learning when he lives at the Yeshiva.

If the best placement option for a child with challenges is an out-of-town Yeshiva, parents should not let the dormitory cause them to reject the placement.  Instead, they can check out the dorm’s structure and supervision, keeping in mind that children living at home are not necessarily “safe”.  Children who are prone to inappropriate pursuits may well find them even when living at home.

Commuting to a Mesivta may be difficult, since some children get worn down from the longer hours this entails and it may be harder to sustain.  That said, children have succeeded using this option.  Sometimes, children dorm at the school after the first year or two.

Children who have difficulty getting along with others are often best avoiding the dorm.  If an out-of-town placement is essential for such a child, parents may want to look into boarding options.

Boarding is complicated since it’s crucial to get the right arrangement.  When a boy is placed in an out-of-town Yeshiva without a dormitory, boarding is the only option.  Parents should be wary of having their son placed in a basement, with or without other boys, since this might mean no supervision.  On the other hand, children feel awkward and uncomfortable “being in the way” of family conversations and events.

It is important to check out the family carefully, since having a spare room does not automatically mean that one is qualified to look after someone else’s child, let alone a non-typical one.  While staying with a Rebbe seems ideal, boys often dislike it.

The terms should be spelled out carefully: what the family is to provide and what the child has access to in the kitchen and home.  Parents should also try to arrange in advance what happens should their child get sick and needs transportation to doctors and the like.

Other Factors Affecting Placement

Child’s Preference

Wherever feasible, the child should be allowed to select the placement option that he prefers.  While younger children (under age 9) or compliant boys can be placed wherever the parent chooses, a resentful teen may sabotage his chances at success in the Yeshiva if placed against his will.  Parents may find it helpful to bring the boy to the Yeshiva in advance and give him a chance to get used to the idea of attending.

Parents should be aware that it is crushing to wake up every morning knowing that you are not going to do anything you want to do that day, or for the next four years.  This can lead to anxiety and depression.

Hashkafic Compatibility

Children are more likely to thrive where they are comfortable.  The Yeshiva’s hashkafa is an important part of the environment.  Wherever possible, the Yeshiva’s hashkafa should match the child’s background, assuming that the child identifies with his family’s beliefs.

Conclusion

We are fortunate that there are many Mesivta options for boys graduating eighth grade.  When parents find the right placement for their son, they are able to enjoy the nachas of watching him grow into the young man he was meant to be.  We wish all our readers success in finding the best options for all of their children.