Babysitting by teenagers is an important part of the community infrastructure for young families. Unless extended family lives nearby, hiring a teen babysitter may be the only way that parents can go out at night, whether to a Simcha, to shop, or to important meetings. We researched the babysitting situation in our community in order to find the unwritten rules and expectations that govern the interaction between the parents who hire the babysitter, the babysitter, and the parents of the babysitter. We hope that sharing this information will help each of these parties understand the needs of the others. Note: since most babysitters are girls, we will use female pronouns for the most part.
Background Information
Children typically begin babysitting at age thirteen, although some girls start at age twelve. Younger babysitters are paid less than older, experienced sitters. The advantage of hiring younger babysitters is that they are more available and they are more likely to play with the children. It is wise, however, for parents to use them at first on a trial basis, for shorter jobs, since twelve year olds vary considerably in their maturity level. Most girls stop babysitting once they are out of high school.
Hiring Boys
Boys are much less available than girls for babysitting, since they often attend out-of-town Mesivtas, or are expected to spend long hours at their local Mesivta. Additionally, minyan for Mincha and Maariv usually occurs during babysitting hours.
Boys can make great babysitters. For instance, boys relate to boys better and they are more likely to enjoy sports and the like together. However, for various reasons, it is best to hire a boy only when all the children in the family are boys. Yichud issues may apply when there are girls over age three.
Finding a Babysitter
When looking for a babysitter, parents usually begin by calling neighbors and friends with older children. Parents blessed with such resources are fortunate, because they know the babysitter and the babysitter knows them and their children.
A problem arises when parents need to reach beyond their social circle. Typically, they call the girls they usually hire, and these girls provide the names of friends who babysit. Another option for finding babysitters is to network with women who work in the high schools. There are girls in town who are not receiving babysitting requests. Moros might be willing to ask in class for girls who would like more babysitting opportunities and give their names to parents.
Parents have to decide whether they are willing to hire a babysitter whom they do not know. If the babysitter is from the “wrong” crowd, they might find that their children have been exposed to ideas or language that they consider inappropriate.
On the other hand, most parents of babysitters do not allow their children to work at an unknown home. Besides the standard fear of strangers, parents are concerned that their child will be exposed to television, to internet access, or to reading material that they do not approve. Parents looking for babysitters can allay such fears by providing references at the outset: the names of other babysitters they have used in the past or the name of their Rav. The parents of the babysitter may tell the parent calling for the sitter that they will get back to them, presumably after checking the references.
Tips for the Parents Hiring the Babysitter
Understanding the Babysitter
The reality in our community is that the demand for babysitting exceeds the supply. There are many reasons for this. Young families outnumber families with older children. High school girls have little time to spare for babysitting. Students have homework, exams, and school play rehearsals. Apart from schoolwork, girls are obliged to spend an hour a week on a Chessed activity, often involving child care. Many girls do more than one Chessed assignment. Moreover, parents need their older daughters to help with their own children: babysitting, homework help, bathing the kids, etc.
In addition, some girls do not enjoy babysitting. Many see it as a Chessed activity, even when they are being paid for it. They would rather study in their own home than study in a strange house, even when the children are asleep.
Since it is so difficult to find babysitters, parents who need babysitting are well advised to be as considerate as possible to the sitters. Babysitters expect to be treated with the same consideration one accords to adults, but they will rarely speak up for themselves. If they feel unhappy with how they are being paid or how late the parents return, they will not complain. However, they may refuse future jobs with that family, and they will not give their friends’ names to that family. Thus, the parents may have no idea why they are not finding babysitters.
Pay
Teen-age babysitters are paid anywhere from five to ten dollars an hour, depending on the age of the babysitter. When parents ask babysitters how much they charge, some girls have been taught to respond with “whatever you wish.” The idea is to spare poor families the embarrassment of not being able to pay market rates. Parents need to keep in mind, however, that most girls are more likely to work for parents who pay the higher rates. Unsurprisingly, most girls are more likely to work for parents who pay the higher rates.
The girls are also shy about reminding parents to pay them. This puts the onus on the parents to make sure that they have cash (including small change!) with them so they are able to pay on the spot. A check is second best, since the parents of the babysitter will have to cash it for their daughter. Paying the babysitter in scrip (Chessed money) is also resented, both by the girl and by her parents, since they will be stuck with changing it into cash and they have their own scrip obligations. Girls will usually not remind parents to pay them the next day. They are also likely to decline babysitting jobs with that family in the future, unless they feel that the family cannot afford it and that the babysitting job is a pure Chessed.
Lateness
Both the babysitters and their parents resent it strongly when parents return later than they specified. This is true even if the girls are accustomed to staying up late hours. If the parents find they are unexpectedly delayed, they should let the babysitter know as soon as possible. When the parents call up the babysitter and ask if she minds if they return later, they are pressuring the girl to stay later. Most teenage girls do not have the self-confidence to say no to the adults. However, parents who are persistently late will find it more difficult to obtain babysitters.
Working Conditions
Babysitters are more efficient when parents take the time to show them where the children sleep and to explain to them the supper/bedtime routine. If the children are already asleep, parents should make sure to show the babysitter where they are sleeping, in case there is an emergency such as a fire and the children need to be evacuated. It is better to avoid telling the babysitter to put a child to bed in the master bedroom. If there is a pet in the house, the babysitter should be told in advance.
Parents may smooth their children’s behavior by offering them rewards for good reports from the sitter. A major challenge for babysitters is the baby who cries and will not stop. When parents know that their baby has a tendency to cry, they should inform the babysitter. Parents should remember to equip the babysitter with pacifiers or bottles if they might be useful in quieting the baby.
Parents should consider cancelling their outing if a child is sick, especially if there is a fever. Babysitters should be warned if a child is contagious and given the option not to babysit. Moreover, sick children find their own parents more comforting when they are under stress.
If the babysitter will be serving food to the children, the food should be prepared by the parents before they leave or be ready to be heated. Babysitters also appreciate it when the parents provide them with nosh—even though it is often left untouched. Many girls feel shy about taking food from the house they are working in. If they are given a plate full of small items such as cookies or chocolate lentils, they are more likely to take some. Fruit is a good nosh to provide, since so many girls are dieting; leave a knife if it will be needed. Drinks should also be made available. It is courteous to tell babysitters that they can take what they want from the fridge or the pantry. High school girls are unlikely to abuse this privilege.
Babysitters need a clean, uncluttered spot to relax or to study in.
Videos
The family of the babysitter may have different standards and policies for video watching than the parents hiring the babysitter. If the kids will be watching videos, the babysitter should be informed in advance, so that she may consult her parents.
Rules and Structure
Instructions are important. However, parents should avoid too many or too detailed instructions. Babysitters need to know the parents’ policies about:
Telephone Use
Is the babysitter allowed to use the phone? Should she pick up the “click” that indicates that someone is trying to call in? Should the sitter answer the phone? Take messages? If yes, writing materials should be provided, so that the sitter does not need to go through the drawers.
Computer Use
The parents ask their sitter’s parents what their family’s policies are about computer and internet usage. Babysitters sometimes appreciate being able to use their host’s computer for school work. However, if the computer has access to the internet, it is prudent to “lock up” the computer. Such a policy is advisable not merely to protect the babysitter from temptation, but also to protect one’s computer.
Bringing a Friend
Babysitters often enjoy having a friend with them. This may be beneficial for the children, if there is more “manpower”. It may also relieve the babysitter’s boredom once the children are asleep. It is prudent for the parents to know exactly whom (and how many) the babysitter is bringing. Note: parents are not expected to pay for the “extra” sitter if they did not request the second sitter.
How Many Babysitters?
Hiring more babysitters depends on the number of children and on their behavior. It is up to the parents to decide how many babysitters they require. Parents have mentioned ratios of four or five children per sitter when the children are all awake. If the parents decide to hire more than one babysitter, they should pay each one separately.
Tips for Babysitters
Obtain Basic Information
Make sure parents provide their cell phone numbers, the name of the place they are going to, emergency contact information, and ideally, the phone number of their children’s pediatrician. Babysitters should ask parents if any of the children have specific health issues, such as allergies or asthma.
Be on time
A parent may be late to something important if the babysitter arrives late.
Interacting with the Kids
Most parents expect the babysitter to play with the children. And, children are more likely to listen to babysitters who have “invested” time in them.
When to Call the Parents
Parents should be called immediately when there is a medical emergency. A baby crying uncontrollably may constitute an emergency if this baby is not known to cry.
Find a Replacement
The babysitter is expected to find a replacement if there is a need to cancel. It pays to keep one’s parents in the loop, to avoid a cancellation due to family obligations.
Speak to Your Parents
If there was something unusual or disturbing about the babysitting experience, please let your parents know.
Halacha Issues for Parents and Babysitters
Babysitters and both sets of parents need to learn the Yichud issues involved in babysitting. Generally, girls over age three can be a problem for male sitters, and boys over nine for female sitters. A Rav can give specific advice on how to work with these issues. While it is not necessarily a Yichud problem, girls and their parents usually prefer that the mother drive the babysitter home when the job is over, especially at night.
Non-payment, late payment, or payment in scrip present serious Halachic problems. Special arrangements may be needed to pay the babysitter if he/she comes on Shabbos.
When parents pick the sitter up later than specified or cancel at the last minute, they should consult their Rav about their obligation to pay for the time that they reserved, but did not actually use.
Babysitters should be aware that they are obliged to respect the privacy of the family they work for. This means that they should keep out of areas of the home that do not pertain to their work. Drawers and cabinets should not be opened unless there is a specific need.
Advice to Parents
Because it is so difficult to find babysitters, it is advisable to plan ahead. Look for neighbors who have younger daughters, and ask them if their children can babysit for short stretches of time from age twelve. Start paying them at lower rates, which you increase gradually as the girl becomes older and builds a relationship with your children. Young girls are usually loyal to their first clients, and may accept to babysit when needed, even after the high school years.
Respite Programs
There are families where the need for respite goes beyond occasionally hiring a babysitter. Individual communities may have resources to help such families, especially where there are disabled children or single-parent households. It may pay to ask local Rabbanim or old-timers in the community where to find help.