From Boys

Book List

This is a list of books that young teens in our community enjoyed.  The list includes Jewish books, American childhood classics, and the latest fantasy titles.  Since our community is diverse and situations vary, what is appropriate for one family or child may well be unsuitable for another.  Parents may choose to check which books on this list meet their standards of acceptability, knowing that the book is likely to be enjoyed by their child.

Entries (book titles, series, or lists of books) were submitted by parents and are grouped by parent in no specific order.  Each entry is numbered so that visitors to the site can contact me to ask to be put in touch with the parent who submitted the book title.

Feedback on this list, including content, presentation, or additional titles, would be greatly appreciated.

#1

Mysterious Benedict Society very clean

#2

The Accidental Detective, Books 1 and 2
Wheels of Mystery
BY Times series

#4

Land of Stories series

#5

Frum Titles for Girls that my 12 year old enjoyed:

Nan’s Long Journey – Leah Fried
Serina – Ruti Tanenold
Hidden Diamonds – Eva Vogiel
Starlight- Henye Meyer
Pen of the Soul – Chani Altein
Little Sister – Ruti Tanenwald
Ticket to Life -Double Life of Chani Greenberg- Menucha Beckerman

#6

Harry Potter
Wonder R. J. Palacio

#7

Eragon series- Christopher  Paoloni

#8

Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry
Gentle Ben
Banner in the Sky – not violent or romantic (mountain climbing story)
Island of the Blue Dolphins
Johnny Tremain
Sign of the Beaver (not violent)
My Brother Sam is Dead
Some Diana Wynn Jones is clean. These are fantasy. (Chrestomanci series – but not everyone in them is nice in terms of middos)
Marcus Lehman books
E.B. White

#9

Song for a Whale, by Lynne Kelly
Fish in a Tree, by Lynda Mullaly Hunt
Counting by 7s, by Holly Goldberg Sloan
Out of My Mind, Sharon M. Draper
Rain Reign, Ann M. Martin
One for the Murphy’s, by Lynda Mullaly Hunt
Mockingbird, by Katherine Erskine
Shouting at the Rain, by Lynda Mullaly Hunt
The War That Saved My Life, by Kimberely Brubraker Bradley (book one)
The War I Finally Won, by Kimberely Brubraker Bradley (book two)
City Spies, by James Ponti
Seekers of the Wild Realm, by Alexandra Ott
The Miscalculations of Lightning Girl, by Stacy McAnulty
Spark, by Sarah Beth Durst
Ghoulish Song, by William Alexander
Goblin Secrets, by William Alexander
A Properly Unhaunted Place, by William Alexander
the Jack Blank series (The Accidental Hero, The Secret War, The End of Infinity), by Matt Myklusch

#10

Land of Stories series by Chris Colfer

#11

Jewish books:

The Little Black Box, by Libby Lazewnick and Perel Schreiber
The Cohens of Tzfas, by Miram Stark Zakon
Saadiah Weissman, by Rabbi Bentzion Firer
Royal Challenge, by Yitzchok Solomon
Far From the Place We Called Home, by Sarah Schleimer
The Imposter, by Avner Gold
As Long As I Live, by Aharon Margalit
One Shot, by M. Wiseman
I Have an Amazing Story for You, by Rabbi Nachman Seltzer
Touched by a Story, by Rabbi Yechiel Spero
People Speak series, by Rabbi Chaim Walder

Secular books:

Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen
Smugglers Island, by Avi
Old Yeller, by Fred Gipson
Tuck Everlasting, by Natalie Babbitt
[Boxcar Children Series for preteen age]

#12

Jewish Books

One Step Ahead by M.C. Millman (more girl oriented)
The Chip by Yechezkel Yudkowsky
That’s me Tzviki Green by Chaim Walder
Zero Hour by Rachel Schorr
Hidden by Rochel Istrin

all books by:

Mordechai Schmutter (Humor)
Avner Gold (Historical fiction)
Eva Vogiel (girl oriented)

On a higher level:

Books by Chaim Eliav
Books by Yair Weinstock
Books by Chaim Greenbaum
Books by Yonah Sapir

Non Fiction but easy enjoyable reading:

Incredible (1&2) by Nachman Seltzer
All For the Boss (there is a regular version and a Young Readers version)

 

 

Helping Grandparents & Grandchildren Bond

 

Children gain immensely from having close relationships with grandparents.  A study conducted by the University of Oxford (https://www.ox.ac.uk/research/research-impact/grandparents-contribute-childrens-wellbeing) found that growing up with grandparents helps children cope better with adverse childhood experiences and trauma.  Unfortunately, the Covid-19 pandemic has made it much more difficult for grandparents and grandchildren to get together.

This article provides tips and ideas to help grandparents and grandchildren develop solid relationships, with a focus on remote bonding. These tips may also be useful to promote bonding with uncles/aunts, mentors, and absent (e.g. divorced) parents or distanced relatives.  To avoid confusion, we consistently refer to the oldest generation, which may include great-grandparents, as grandparents, the middle generation as parents, and the youngest generation as children.

Ideas for Parents

Model the Relationship

Grandchildren see that their parents value the grandparents when they frequently communicate with phone calls, video conferences, email, and text.  Parents may also share stories about the grandparents, explain their accomplishments, and show pictures.

Children take their cues from their parents.  Therefore, it is important to speak of the grandparents with respect and sensitivity.  Try to use the grandparents’ experiences when teaching values or life skills.

Show that visiting the grandparents is a priority and try to build up a sense of excitement and anticipation before arrival.  Parents may need to help grandparents prepare for the visit by planning ahead and making sure that there is age and hashkafically compatible toys and activities.

Prep the Grandchildren

Parents can start building a connection when the children are toddlers by showing them photos of the grandparents and telling them who is who.   Photos may be laminated and put on a chain for the children to play with.  It is also helpful for parents to mention grandparents regularly, e.g. we are making Bubby’s kugel recipe or Sabba taught me to do it this way.

Prep the Grandparents

It is easier for grandparents to “make conversation” with younger grandchildren if they are told (or texted) in advance about what is going on in the children’s lives.

Parents may also try to help grandparents think of special memories and family history to share with older grandchildren.  A brainstorming session might help to come up with a list of ideas to recollect dormant stories begging to be told.

Encourage Children to Reach Out

Parents may encourage their children to view grandparents as resources.  Grandchildren can tap grandparents for help with homework, puzzle solving, general knowledge, and so on.  Cooking is a great way to bond remotely as grandparents can send recipes and guide grandchildren through culinary ventures.

Create & Send Videos

This is a fun activity in itself, providing a creative outlet for children.  Daily activities, lively games, or skits may be recorded, uploaded, and sent to the grandparents.

Create a Family Newsletter or Book

Teenage grandchildren and cousins can coordinate this activity, especially during school breaks.  The coordinator can obtain material from each grandchild: a picture, a comment, or a paragraph, updating the grandparents and creating a family snapshot that will be treasured years later.

The book or newsletter may be sent to the grandparent to read to the grandchildren over the phone or video-conference.  Many (not all) children love to hear their own words read aloud.

Arrange Individual Visits

Where feasible, try to send one or two grandchildren for a day or a Shabbos with the grandparents rather than having the whole family go at once.  It is also nice to coordinate joint visits with a cousin close in age; aside from cultivating bonding, this may make it easier for the grandparent to entertain the child.  Before arranging such visits, parents need to assess whether the grandparents are physically and mentally up to hosting, feeding and entertaining children, especially, picky eaters or those who are easily bored.

 

Ideas for Grandparents

It is advisable to keep parents in the loop before trying these ideas.  This is especially important before sending books and activities to the grandchildren.  Grandparents also need to keep in mind the importance of treating grandchildren equally; consulting parents regularly may help grandparents avoid a perception of favoritism among their children.

Grandparents may want to keep in mind that it is not always within their power to build a relationship with the grandchildren.  There are many variables that can affect each situation. Some efforts do not succeed.  This does not make the grandparents into failures.

Using the Phone

Get a conference call number (they are available free on websites) to allow for reading to or schmoozing with grandchildren from multiple families.  One grandmother purchased copies of a book for each of her children, so that she could read it over the phone to all the cousins at once.

Simple word games can be played over the phone such as finding words that rhyme, or looking for synonyms, homonyms, etc.  These sorts of games promote literacy and increase vocabulary.

Family conference calls may also be used for sharing knowledge about family history.  Grandchildren may take turns asking questions to be answered on the next call.

My neighbor had a lovely idea that enabled her mother to connect with the great grandchildren.  Every Chanukah she would purchase the same children’s story book as a gift for each of her married children. Once a week, the young couples would call their grandmother, who would then read a follow-along bedtime story to her great grandchildren over the phone. This became so popular that neighborhood children, including my daughter, would go to my neighbor’s house to listen to the story.

Use the Post Office

Receiving an envelope addressed to them personally gives most children a thrill.  Along with a few lines, grandparents may include stickers or an interesting page such as a cartoon, a puzzle from an activity book (e.g. a maze or hidden pictures) or some jokes.  Aside from promoting bonding, this also provides conversation material for subsequent phone calls as grandparents follow up on the grandchildren’s reactions or as children call to thank the grandparent for the gift.

Video Conferencing Works

Zoom, Google Duo, Hangouts: these all allow grandparent and grandchild to see each other, while the grandparent reads to grandchild or grandchild shows his/her latest art project.  Even toddlers like to smile and wave at the picture in the screen.  Parents can hold up the phone while the grandparent and grandchild enjoy each other’s company.

If the children and grandparent use Zoom, hoopladigital.com allows a user to register their library card and download an electronic book that all zoom participants may look at together.

Video conferencing can also be used to play games remotely with older grandchildren.  One way to help the generations get to know each other better is to play games like The UnGame, a non-competitive game designed to help people connect by presenting a variety of off-beat questions (a card game variant is available for $10).

Build on Your Strengths

Share hobbies and passions with grandchildren: animals, baking, board games, puzzles, mystery book, and creative arts.  A challah baker, for example, might explore new recipes with a grandchild and try out different braiding and shaping techniques.  Where these activities cannot be done together, grandparent and grandchild can experiment separately and compare notes over the phone.

Musically inclined grandparents may find grandchildren who are interested in learning new songs or in swapping music videos.

Gardeners may send seeds and instructions for how to germinate and plant them.  This may “seed” conversation between the generations for weeks.

Send Used Books

There are websites which specialize in used books; https://www.betterworldbooks.com/ does not charge shipping and often runs promotions.  They stock Jewish books, too; one needs to know title or author to find them.  This allows grandparents to purchase a gift for their grandchildren for a small amount—under five dollars.  Shipment to foreign countries is very reasonable.

Parents should be asked in advance for guidelines for choosing books; a good idea might be to provide a wish list of authors and series.  When in doubt, the book can be addressed to the parent; just tell parents in advance that they should feel free to discard or donate books that they prefer not to have their children read.

Exchange Photos

Whether physical or over the computer, this is a nice way to share one’s interests and activities across the generations.

Write Memoirs, Collect Memorabilia

This is useful for older grandchildren, to help them see their grandparents in a fuller context and to feel connected to their family’s roots.

Give them Your Time

Grandchildren are most amenable to forming new relationships when they are young.  The more quality time that grandparents spend with them, the more they will see them as important in their lives as they get older.

Grandparents can interest themselves in the minutiae of grandchildren’s lives, praising accomplishments, giving them morale support during difficulties, and generally boosting their egos.  Grandchildren feel important when grandparents join them at milestone celebrations such as graduations and birthdays and at performances.  When grandparents cannot attend in person, grandchildren may appreciate it if they acknowledge the event by calling or video conferencing where feasible.

When They Visit…

Try to make your home a happy place, with the grandchildren’s favorite treats and appropriate toys and books.  Try to put away fragile or valuable possessions and to minimize opportunities for friction.  If you don’t have the right toys or foods for the grandchildren, ask the parents to supply them.  Good behavior may be reinforced through praise or little prizes, while negative behaviors, on short visits, ideally are ignored, since parenting and discipline should be done by the parents.  Note that discipline issues need to be discussed ahead when grandchildren spend significant time alone with grandparents.

I once sent one of my grandchildren upstairs to a bedroom to calm down… he totally refused and stayed on the stairs. I ignored it. Later, I found out that he is scared to be alone in a bedroom and is usually sent to the stairs to calm down.

It is wonderful when grandparents can clear their calendar ahead of a visit, especially from grandchildren who live far away, so that everyone can spend the maximum time with each other.  Preparing food ahead (or buying), using disposables, and ignoring the inevitable messes make the visit as pleasant as possible.

 

Keeping the Relationship Smooth

Everyone benefits when the generations get along.  This usually requires all parties to do their best to be as understanding, empathetic, and forgiving as humanly possible.

Counselors, mentors, or the family Rav may be tapped to advise when parents or grandparents feel at loss on how to handle a challenging situation.

Some areas prone to raise tensions:

Cultural Differences

Grandchildren might live in a highly dissimilar environment than their parents grew up in due to differences in religious practice, living in different countries, or different economic situations.  This may lead to misunderstandings between the generations.  Wherever practical, parents should try to foresee potential pitfalls and prepare grandparents and grandchildren in advance.  It may be necessary to consult a mentor or halachic authority when religious or hashakfic standards differ. When the parents and grandparents have solid relationships, differences will be bridged and awkward situations can turn into comic stories later.

Boundary Issues

Once they get married, children begin to separate from their parents, creating their own identity.  Values, hashkafa, and parenting style may be different from that of their grandparents.  Therefore, grandparents need to avoid trespassing on the parent’s prerogative of choosing how to raise their children.

Parents sometimes seem to expect grandparents to be available at all times.  Not every grandparent wants to be on call 24/7 and parents should ascertain the grandparent’s wishes in advance.

Avoid comparing parents to siblings and grandchildren to their cousins; avoid comparisons between the two sets of grandparents.

Grandparents and parents, especially the daughter-in-law or son-in-law, may have different standards of privacy and resent sharing information.

Boundary issues may be managed gracefully if each party tries to be sensitive to nuances in the other’s behavior or demeanor.  It is helpful to try to put oneself in the other party’s place to envision how they might feel about the relationship.  Keeping in mind that people change as they age.

Disappointed Expectations

Grandparents or parents may have idealized expectations of how relationships with the grandchildren would develop.  Not every grandparent is suited for playing with little children; some children are not good at relating to adults.

Younger siblings in a family may remember their parents as active, involved grandparents.  Ten or fifteen years later, these grandparents might not have the same energy or enthusiasm.  Older grandparents may wish that their children and grandchildren would have more time for them.

Parents or grandparents may try gently to explain their feelings; sometimes, problems are created unintentionally through miscommunication.  However, verbalizing points of contention and communicating expectations can easily create rifts.  Many times, the best strategy is to accept and make peace with these realities.

Favoritism to Siblings

Grandparents usually cannot treat each of their children and their families identically since circumstances vary.  Interactions with children who live further must differ from those who live nearby.  The relationship dynamic with daughters-in-law and sons-in-law is very different, too.  Moreover, grandparents may need to “favor” one set of parents over another for reasons that they cannot share with the siblings: e.g. confidential medical conditions.

Where feasible, it is helpful for grandparents to explain to other siblings the circumstances behind their decisions to “favor” one of the parents. If they cannot disclose the reason, they should acknowledge that there is a reason for their behavior to make it easier for all parties to give the benefit of the doubt.

Complicated Grandparent/Parent Relationship

Tension between the generations is not uncommon, especially when the parent had a challenging childhood.  It is best for all sides if the parent can let go and allow the grandparents to have a healthy relationship with their grandchildren.  This is more complicated if the parents were, or felt they were, abused by the grandparents and they may need to consult a mentor or professional.  Grandchildren should not be left alone with a grandparent if there is any possibility of abuse.

Parents might find it is helpful to keep in mind that many grandparents are better grandparents than they were parents.

Where There are Challenges…

Divorced Parents/Widows & Widowers

When custody is divided, each parent should be able to include their own parents in their children’s lives.  In practice, relationships between ex-in-law’s vary.  While some divorced parents try to remove their ex-in-laws from their children’s lives and milestones, others go out of their way to maintain their children’s connection with their “other” grandparents.  Children benefit when they are able to continue their pre-divorce relationships.

Grandparents may find themselves more involved with their grandchildren after parents divorce since their son/daughter may need their help to make up for the absent spouse.  If this places the grandparents closer to a parenting position, they may need to discuss discipline and other parenting issues with the parent.

Some of these issues apply also to single parent families where a spouse died.  It is usually beneficial for all when the remaining parent helps the grandparents from the other side stay involved and connected with the children of their deceased child.

Blended Families

When parents divorce or when a widow/widower remarries someone with children, grandparents may find themselves part of a blended family.  It is difficult to bring together two sets of children and form a healthy, contented new family unit.

Grandparents can play a positive role by befriending the step-grandchildren.  It is highly recommended that grandparents treat all grandchildren, including the “new” ones, equally by giving the same types of presents to each.  This may entail spending less per child, but the alternative is jealousy and hurt feelings that may never go way.  Another option may be for grandparents to quietly give money directly to their biological grandchildren’s bank accounts; however, financial information of this sort always comes out at some point.

Re-married parents may also encourage their children to befriend the parents of their step-father/mother, and make them feel part of the family. Both generations have much to gain in forming new relationships.

Single Grandparents

This category includes widows, widowers, and divorcees, all of whom may be living alone and longing for time with the parents and grandchildren.  Unfortunately, Covid-19 has drastically increased this category.

A grandparent who singlehandedly raised the parent may feel that s/he has priority over the other grandparents on enjoying nachas from the grandchildren.  When the parent validates the grandparent’s claims and makes genuine efforts to include the grandparent, it becomes much easier to maintain harmony and reduce resentment.

It is very difficult to maintain a balance between divorced grandparents, giving each one his/her due, especially where there is ill-feeling between them.  Parents are likely to need a mentor to guide them through complex situations.

Needy Grandparents

Children vary in how they are able to relate to fragile or sick grandparents.  Where possible, it is beneficial on both sides to encourage interaction, and this can be very meaningful for the grandchildren.  However, pushing a child too much can backfire.

Grandchildren are less likely to resent the time their parents spend taking care of a grandparent if the parents are meticulous in speaking about and treating the grandparent with the utmost respect.  This may instill a sense of pride in the grandchildren, that they are part of a family with a strong sense of loyalty and duty.

A parent submitted the following:

Something my mother instituted when I was going every 3rd night to be with her for weeks on end: she gave me her credit card number and insisted that she treats my kids to a supper of their choice every time I had a shift. This continued even when she was in a coma. My kids looked forward to these pizza/sushi/takeout suppers even though they knew it meant that I would be gone for the night. Besides the compensation aspect of the suppers it also created a very positive memory for my kids of a very difficult time period.

Not everyone can afford this kind of expenditure, but even a small treat may suffice and create good will.

Missing Grandparents

Grandchildren are likely to feel a sense of missing something in their identity when there is a grandparent who died before they met.  Parents can fill this gap by speaking about the grandparent, bringing him/her alive through stories, pictures, and memorabilia.  This may entail seeking out relatives or friends of the deceased to interview before it’s too late.

Parents may do their children a favor by “adopting” grandparents.  Chessed organizations often try to facilitate such relationships, since they are so beneficial to the older generation.  There may also be warm, outgoing couples in the parents’ social circle who may be delighted to bond with other people’s children, especially when their own grandchildren live in other communities.

Conclusion

Grandparents are in a position to greatly enrich the lives of their grandchildren.  Where parents facilitate bonding, they provide their children with the warmth of the elder’s love and the strength that comes from feeling rooted.

Parents and grandparents may need to keep in mind that however they try to maintain and/or build these relationships, outcomes are not necessarily going to be as positive as they hoped.  It is best to make the most of what one can achieve, without being overly invested in success.

Raising Respectful Children

 

One of the great gifts that parents can give their children is the ability to relate to others with genuine respect.  This is a significant challenge in a world where rebelliousness and extreme individualism are encouraged.  This article, geared to parents of young children, provides tips and strategies to set a healthy foundation for inculcating appropriate attitudes.

Why Respect is Important

The Need for Authority

Most children crave structure for a variety of reasons.  Deep down, they know that they are not competent to run their lives on their own.  In order to feel safe, they need to feel that adults are in charge.  This is why many children tend to keep pushing boundaries until they experience “push back” from authority.

Chutzpah as a Handicap

Lack of respect for others leads to problems for the child now and later as an adult.

Transmitting the Mesora:  Our values and tradition are based on the parent/child and teacher/student relationship.  An essential component of these relationships is the respect, admiration, and awe that the child or student has for the parent or a teacher.

Promoting Arrogance: People who are accustomed to saying what they want without regard to other’s feelings or station in life are seen as arrogant and unpleasant.  Disrespectful children are more likely to grow into adults who make difficult spouses and coworkers.  Moreover, arrogant people are less likely to benefit from life experiences because they react more often with anger rather than letting the lesson sink in.

While chutzpa is a problem in itself, it is often a symptom of underlying issues that are more urgent and need to be dealt with first.  Once those are resolved, if the disrespectful behavior persists, parents may be able to work with the child to improve this too.

Causes of Disrespectful Behavior

The educators, therapists and parents interviewed concurred that there is always an underlying reason for a child’s disrespectful behavior although it may be difficult to identify.  A common theme is that of a child having an unmet need and not being able to rectify the situation appropriately, either because of immaturity or because speaking respectfully hasn’t brought results.

Environmental

  • Young children get physically and emotionally depleted easily. After spending a day in preschool, a child may be unable to maintain appropriate conduct.  Similarly, children are liable to meltdowns when tired or hungry.
  • The child may be copying children who are disrespectful. Some children are prone to imitating the least respectful behavior they observe, including lapses in parental interactions with each other or with authority figures.
  • The disrespectful behavior may be caused by the child suffering from bullying at school, or from physical, emotional or other abuse at home or elsewhere.

Parenting

  • Blurred boundaries between parent and child, where the parent switches from friend to authority figure without warning make it difficult for the child to snap back into subordinate mode.
  • Parents persistently under-reacting (ignoring) or over-reacting (getting upset) to chutzpa leads to more of it.
  • Disappointment with the parents, perhaps because of their breaking promises or commitments, may cause disrespectful behavior. Parents are not always aware of how a child may decide that a tentative plan or a rule was a serious commitment.

Within the Child

  • Poor impulse control, innate aggressiveness, anger management challenges or emotional weaknesses may lead to defiance.
  • The child may not be fully aware of the differences in how one speaks to a parent, teacher, or peer. Parents and educators should take the child’s social maturity and level of social skills into account before determining that a behavior was chutzpadik.
  • The child might not know how to express deep emotions or frustration properly.

Lacking the social skills to apologize or to compromise, a child might resort to defiance from not knowing what to do next when there’s a social crisis.

  • Children who feel neglected, unloved, or treated unfairly are more likely to become defiant. This may occur when there is family member who needs extra care.

Creating a Healthy Framework

Modeling Appropriate Behavior

The most effective technique for teaching children respect is to model it in all interactions without exception: within the family (spouses, small children) and outside the family (neighbors, janitors, mailmen, etc.).

The Parent/Child Relationship

Children are wired to naturally look up to their parents.  In order to maintain this attitude, it is advisable for parents to develop a relationship with their children based on a sense of dignity and authority while simultaneously cultivating a warm relationship so that the child feels that his/her parents love and accept him/her.

Parents should avoid trying to be their child’s peer or friend, because this confuses the child into treating parents like peers.  Instead, parents should see their role as nurturing their child by providing for his/her physical and emotional needs and by imposing a framework that will allow him to develop self-discipline and life skills.  This does not mean that parents should place themselves on a pedestal since this often leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment on the child’s part.  The parents should try to be mentors and role models who are sincerely and deeply interested in the child’s welfare.

This relationship precludes the parent getting drawn into emotional conflicts with the child.  If they play competitive games, the parent should not be out to win but to help the child enjoy him/herself or to improve skills.  Should the child misbehave, the parent intervenes in order to help the child acquire better strategies, not in order to satisfy feelings of anger or disappointment.

Parents make it easier for their children to look up to them by conducting themselves with dignity in the home.  This includes maintaining a standard of dress appropriate for adults.  It may also be helpful to teach the children some of the halachos of honoring their parents: not sitting in their seats, standing up when they enter the room, etc.  However, these practices are best taught and enforced on behalf of others, such as the other spouse or the grandparents.

Boundaries for Children

While parenting involves setting boundaries to keep their children from seeing them as peers, parents themselves need to respect their children’s boundaries.   Parents do not own their children and are obligated to treat them with appropriate respect.  This precludes humiliating, screaming, and other demeaning behavior towards the children.

As little children grow into teenagers, the rules of parental engagement change, with parents being more like guides than directors.

Note: Establishing personal boundaries for children helps protect them against predators. This includes privacy in the bathroom and when dressing.  Allocating personal spaces for children: their own dresser, shelf, etc. also helps them learn that “their bodies belong to them”.

Using Words to Set Attitudes

Children can begin learning respect and gratitude when parents teach them, from the beginning, to say please and thank-you.  The later these terms are introduced, the harder it is to “re-program” the children.  These lessons are better absorbed when parents consistently use these terms also.  As the children grow, they may be taught to say “Excuse me” to request as opposed to demand attention.

Another method for inculcating respect is to train children while they are still young to refer to adults as Mr., Mrs., or Miss.  Where adults may be uncomfortable with such formality, a compromise is to use Uncle/Aunt for close family friends and Cousin as a prefix for relatives.

Setting Family Rules

There is less scope for conflict and defiance if expectations are laid out in advance.  It is worthwhile for parents to take time to think about what is important to them and is worth investing time and emotional energy in enforcing consistently.  Having the toys picked up?  Children in bed on time?   Table cleared and dishes washed immediately after supper?  There have to be priorities.  This is an individual matter to be decided per family.  Rules may be compiled to express the family’s preference.  These rules become red-lines to be enforced.  The fewer the rules, the less scope for disrespect.  Moreover, it is easier to be consistent when enforcing fewer rules.

Implementing a Discipline System

Parenting programs such as Love and Logic (Mrs. Becky Udman teaches a frum version https://www.beckyudmanparenting.com/ ) and 1 2 3 Magic are designed to give parents a system for improving parent/child relationships and instilling obedience and cooperation.  The advantage of such systems is that they decrease the scope for making ad hoc disciplinary decisions which may be swayed by parental emotions.

While these programs have been helpful for many families, educators sometimes find them more harmful than helpful.  Moreover, what works with one child might not be effective with another.  It is a good idea to consult a Rav or Mechanech(es) who knows the children before embarking on one.

The Limits of Respect

While parents are teaching children to treat others with respect, unfortunately, they need to explain to children that if someone (grandparent, sibling, babysitter, neighbor, tutor, etc.) makes them feel uncomfortable, they should try to leave and must quickly inform their parents or another trusted adult.  The principle of automatic respect for elders has been used to cover abuse and children need to be taught “run, yell and tell!”.

The Center for Jewish Family Life/Project YES (845 426-2243) is a resource to learn more about protecting children. Project YES has been at the forefront of efforts to keep children safe from abuse for the past fifteen years. Together with Artscroll/Mesorah, they co-published the landmark child safety book “Let’s Stay Safe,” available in all Judaica stores that carry Artscroll books.

 

Heading off Inappropriate Behavior

Keeping expectations realistic may be a good starting point for managing children’s behavior.  Parents may want to consult Rebbeim, Morahs, and/or a few friends with slightly older children to learn behavioral norms for the children’s age range.  Parents might find The Yardsticks series by Chip Wood helpful as it clearly lays out children’s developmental stages.

Planning Outings

Outings should be planned as much as possible around the children’s needs, schedules, and temperament.  Admittedly, this is less feasible where there are children of different ages and interests.  However, parents may pack food and drinks and include resting time in the itinerary to avoid overwhelming the children.  Children should also be prepared in advance to know what to expect and they should be coached about how to behave.

Picking up Signals

Behavior is communication.  If a preschooler refuses to cooperate to go out in the afternoon, this may mean that s/he’s “had it” for the day.  Consider dropping or rescheduling optional outings or activities.

Preparing for Angry Outbursts

If a child is prone to intense fits of temper (meltdowns), it may help to plan ahead with the child for the next outburst.  Parent and child may prepare a box with calming activities: toys, music, books, solitary games, gum, etc.  Depending on the child’s needs, it may be good to include toys or gadgets that help with sensory integration issues.  A parent can work with the child in advance, perhaps through role playing, to demonstrate how, when the child begins to feel that s/he is losing control, to self-soothe with the contents of the box.  An important advantage of this approach is that this starts the child on the path toward greater self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Children’s books are available that deal with anger; parents may find it useful to read these with children who suffer from anger problems.

Note: It is also important to investigate potential causes. For example, some children struggle with sensory integration and are easily overwhelmed

Educational Resources

Pediatricians or school staff who know the child may be able to recommend books or CDs with proven approaches to handling children with specific issues. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk  (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish) is recommended for using empathy to improve relationships within the family.

Dealing with Chutzpa

The universal rule for dealing with defiance is to maintain composure.  The child has “won” if s/he succeeds in pushing a parent into an emotional outburst.  Parental responses need to be low-key in order to de-escalate the situation.  Where possible, having the other parent deal with the child may defuse a nasty situation.  In general, the worst time to teach children about respect is when parent and child are overwrought.

Parents who find it difficult to regulate their reactions to defiance may find it useful to seek outside guidance.

Very Young Children

When children start to speak, they may begin speaking inappropriately to their parents out of ignorance or from a desire to experiment.  This is the time for parents to explain that “This is not how we speak to Mommy.”

Young children may disobey explicit rules in order get attention or out of curiosity—what will happen if I break the rule?  They are trying to understand how their world functions, what is expected of them, and what happens next.  This is why they are prone to test limits until someone pushes back.

Distraction is often recommended when little children start acting out.  Removing the object, or the child, is feasible at this age.  There is usually an underlying need when the child misbehaves, e.g. a need for exercise.  Finding an alternative activity that meets this need will effectively solve the problem.

As much as possible, parents should try to explain to the child what s/he is feeling and why s/he is misbehaving, whether or not they are able to alleviate the problem.  This in itself may calm the child, since it is scary to have strong feelings that one cannot understand.

Temper Tantrums

A tantrum, as opposed to a genuine loss of control, is a manufactured, manipulative action to take control.  If the tantrum cannot be ignored, an effective reaction is to repeat, very calmly, something along the lines of “We’re don’t do this. Stop it.” over and over again.

If the child totally loses control (a child can work him/herself into a frenzy), the focus should be on keeping the child and the environment safe until the fit subsides.

Avoiding Impulsive Parenting

The first time an unexpected inappropriate behavior occurs, parents may be best off overlooking it and seeing if it happens again.  One’s initial reactions may not be correct and it is better to give oneself time to think it over and to get advice.  Consider if the child truly meant to be obnoxious, or whether s/he simply made an error.  Much depends on the child’s developmental level.  It is generally better to give a child the benefit of the doubt than to label him/her as defiant.

A compromise may be to gently tell the child that this was not the right way to act/speak without labeling him/her as chutzpadik. Later, when the situation is calmer, parents may privately discuss with the child the difference between respectful and disrespectful speech and behavior.

Teaching Respect

Telling people to respect you tends not to work.  Modeling respectful behavior is far more effective in the long run.  In addition, a parent may tell a child to treat the other parent or other adults, especially grandparents more respectfully.

The best time to deal with a child who tends to be verbally aggressive is when parent and child are both calm.  Mother might say, “Let’s practice how we talk to Mommy when we’re angry.”  If it’s a recurrent problem, parents may model an incident, showing the appropriate way to express oneself.  The key is to help the child expand his/her range of possible responses to frustrating or difficult situations.

If a child is casually nasty, parents may tell him/her to apologize and then seek the cause for this behavior.  Should aggressive behavior continue, teaching the child the concept of restitution may be effective. For instance, if the speech hurt a sister’s feelings, a mere apology is not enough. The child must give the sister a good feeling, i.e. a card made especially for the sister or sharing of a toy. This helps the child attune properly into feelings of another person.

Tips for Correcting the Child

  • Make it clear that this for the child’s benefit. It should never be about the parent’s feelings or the parent’s need for respect.
  • Avoid aggressive body language such as towering over the child or speaking in the child’s face. Communication is more effective when the parent speaks with palms out, not down at their side. For younger children, the parent may find it helpful to bend down to the child’s level.
  • Avoid responses that silence the child. The child is trying to communicate a message that the parents need to know and the child needs to feel that the parent wants to understand his/her message.  Some examples: “I very much want to hear what you’re saying; please tell me when you’re ready.”  “I understand that you are really upset that …. I’m sorry I cannot do what you wanted”.  It may be necessary to repeat these lines, calmly, until the child is ready to speak appropriately.

Conclusion

When teaching a child how to ride a bike, the child needs an understanding of the mechanics of the bike. How does it work? How does it get fixed? The history and the philosophy behind the bike may also be important. But, more than just the facts are needed. The parent needs to model the behavior. The parent must show the child how to ride the bike. This concept is the same with behavior.

 

Mesivta Placement for the Less-Typical Boy

 

It is relatively easy to find the right Yeshiva for children who fit neatly into established categories.  However, there are many children who do not fit established educational categories, whether because of strengths and weaknesses or because of life circumstances.

While this article is written for parents of boys looking for the right Yeshiva high school (Mesivta) for their son, much of this material is relevant for parents of girls or of children who may benefit from switching schools. This article was written with extensive input from Rabbi Shmuel Gluck of Areivim, in Monsey, NY.  Rabbi Gluck has decades of experience helping families, including Passaic and Clifton, find the right Yeshivas for their children.

About Yeshivas

Yeshivas vary in size, level of learning, hashkafa, chinuch approach, and teaching style.  Boys also vary in their strengths, weaknesses, and needs.  Therefore, parents have to keep in mind that the Yeshiva that fits one child may be a bad choice for another. Moreover, most Yeshivas are geared for specific types of children.  If the child’s mix of strengths or weaknesses is not standard, for example, a child high on motivation and low on academic ability, there may not be a perfect placement.

Mainstream Yeshivas: “Aleph” & “Bais”

Boys who are good at learning gemara generally apply to the top tier Yeshivas: the “Aleph Mesivtas”.  Aside from being the most prestigious Yeshivas, the boys who attend them are often top boys in motivation and attitude.

Bais Mesivtas are meant for “good” boys (i.e. motivated) who do not learn gemara at the Aleph level.  Many out of town Yeshivas learn at a lower level, since they are designed to serve their local community where the elementary schools are less competitive than those in the tri-state area.

In-town (tri-state area) Bais Yeshivas are more accustomed to boys who grew up in the competitive in-town environment and have been unable to meet the advanced academic standard.  Some of these boys need emotional support and these Yeshivas may be more experienced than the out-of-town versions in meeting their needs.

Mainstream Yeshivas are the “regular” Yeshivas, whether aleph or bais level.  They bring together like-minded, motivated boys and have an effective system in place, where commitment and peer pressure help students meet expectations.

Most mainstream Yeshivas are not equipped for the boy who does not naturally conform to the Yeshiva’s hashkafa and practices.  While their Rebbeim build relationships with their students, those relationships are usually more about growth, than remedial support.  However, there are some mainstream bais (and a few aleph) Yeshivas which are more attuned to a holistic approach, preemptively helping children solve problems and intervening more as partners than as disciplinarians when things go wrong.  These are “supportive” or “mentor-based” Yeshivas.

Specialized Yeshivas

These are the Yeshivas with the high staff/student ratio, the experience, and the commitment to help children with challenges.  In order to provide each child with an individualized curriculum, they tend to be less structured and more creative with what they teach and how they teach it.  They are also more creative with handling behavior problems, seeing these more as opportunities to foster growth than as disciplinary issues.

Since these Yeshivas are designed to help children grow, their student body tends to include children who have individual challenges.  Therefore, parents may be concerned that a stigma may attach to boys who learn there even if they go on later to mainstream Bais Medrash post-high school.  These Yeshivas also have a much higher tuition due to their higher staff to student ratio..

Who Best Knows Your Child?

The Yeshiva placement process usually begins with the parents consulting their child’s Rebbe, principal or other Yeshiva staff who had a good relationship with their son, to find out which Yeshivas they recommend.

Especially when the child is not typical, it is possible that the parents and Yeshiva will have diverging views about the child and about which Yeshivas are most appropriate.  In this situation, parents are best advised to take the Yeshiva’s viewpoint seriously, even if they disagree with their placement recommendations.  Parents must keep in mind that the Yeshiva staff:

  • Sees the child in the context of school. The academic performance and behavior displayed in this Yeshiva is likely to be replicated in the next one.
  • Is vastly more experienced with children and the Mesivta acceptance process
  • Is likely to be more objective than the parents.

Moreover, the child might not be communicating his real feelings to his parents, whether this is to spare their feelings or because of complications in their relationship.  Parents may also keep in mind that Yeshiva staff might be understating problems in order to be diplomatic.  For example, they may say, “We’re concerned that…”, rather than stating “We know that…” in the area of academics or behavior.

Getting Help with Yeshiva Placement

Yeshiva placement services are a valuable resource when parents need more options for their child, where parents question the Yeshiva’s advice, or where the child is very atypical.  Yeshiva placement is usually offered as a free service, often as part of an organization to help children.  Some of the advantages of using their services:

  • They are aware of many more Yeshivas. Most elementary school principals have only a limited number of “go-to” Mesivtas that they know well and are accustomed to working with.  Placement professionals are trusted by the Yeshivas they work with and are more likely to be heard.
  • They have vastly more experience with complicated placements and have a sense of what is most likely to work for the less typical children. A professional may find creative placements for challenging situations.
  • Placement experts are more likely to be up-to-date with what actually goes on at a Yeshiva rather than relying on reputation.
  • The placement service can help the parents and the child with the target Yeshiva, using their influence to have the child accepted and keeping in touch with the Yeshiva and the child to sort out problems that may arise.
  • Children may be more willing to be frank to the placement professional. Rabbi Gluck of Areivim has found that parents tell him that they are looking for a Yeshiva with certain characteristics only to hear from the child that he wants the opposite.  For example, the parents are seeking a “Yeshivish” hashkafa where the child may have already rejected this.
  • The professional may be more attuned to where the child “is really holding”. Rabbi Gluck observes that children’s behavior lags their internal attitude by six months, whether the child is growing or deteriorating.  This means that a child who presently conforms outwardly to the norms of his school may be on a hidden trajectory to different behavior.  For such a child, placement in a mainstream Yeshiva increases the risk of damage.

Yeshiva Placement Services

The placement expert should meet the child in person in order to get a direct sense of the child’s needs. It is best to go to someone who has experience helping children from the child’s community so that he will understand the child’s background and the nuances of his school experience.  There is usually no charge for the placement service, although parents who can afford it should try to donate to whatever organization the professional works with.

A few recommended experts:

  • Rabbi Shmuel Gluck of Areivim, Monsey, shmuelgluck@areivim.com (914) 490 8129
  • Shuli Halpert, Brooklyn, Johalpert@optonline.net, (917) 692 2702
  • Rabbi Binyomin Strauss, Lakewood, (732) 370-2874

Erring on the “Safe” Side

Parents understandably prefer to send their child to the most mainstream Yeshiva that will accept him.  Aside from avoiding stigma and a higher tuition, it feels safer to place one’s child with more mainstream children at a more supportive institution.  However, the “conservative” option may be the one that is the least safe.

The child may be more likely to stick with the more supportive Yeshiva.  A child who is unhappy at school is more likely to leave or be expelled.  Once a child is sent away by a Yeshiva, it becomes much more difficult to place him in another one.  The only institution that may accept him after he is expelled may be even more stigmatizing than the one that the parents had originally rejected.  Additionally, there may be an option to “trade up” to more mainstream Yeshivas if the boy is successful at his first placement.

Many supportive Yeshivas are experienced with keeping students at different motivation levels from influencing each other.  On the other hand, boys who are unhappy at a more mainstream Yeshiva are likely to find each other and share negative attitudes and inappropriate pursuits.

Specialized Yeshivas are more likely to provide their students with the help they need to grow.  Problems that are ignored may well expand and impede the child’s future development including the ability to get married, stay married, or hold down a job.

What about the Academics?

Parents may be concerned that the Yeshiva recommended for their son teaches at a low level in kodesh and/or general studies.  However, the first task for a complicated child may be to recover from the previous school experience.  The child may need considerable time to build self-esteem and acquire essential life skills.  Once this is accomplished, the child may catch up with the academics.

Parents may need to keep in mind that sending a child to a school with a high level of learning or a quality general studies program does not mean that the child will apply himself and reap the benefits of these opportunities.

Any Yeshiva is Usually Better than No Yeshiva

A boy who is in Yeshiva is part of an institution and a set of rules.  Even if the rules are minimal and the child is not learning, he is still part of a system and feels a sense of belonging and accountability.  Unfortunately, when the child cannot or will not attend any school, the child may decide that he can do whatever he wants.  Homeschooling rarely works in the unstructured home environment.

Therefore, as long as being in Yeshiva is not damaging the child, it is better that he try or remain in a non-ideal placement than in no placement.

Placement Pointers for Non-Typical Boys

Motivated but Academically Weak

There are a variety of reasons for a child lagging academically, including learning disabilities, lower intellectual potential or emotional turmoil due to family problems.

Whatever the cause, parents need to keep in mind the possibility that the child may have suffered emotionally from years of failure in school, even if he seems fine.  While the obvious placement for an ehrliche (upright, committed) academically weak boy is a bais Yeshiva, the boy may need additional support in order to acquire good study habits and possibly to help him overcome emotional scarring.

Where the child’s underperformance seems to be due to a home situation, sending the child to a Bais Mesivta far from home can work well.  When travelling home requires a plane ticket, the child spends less time at home and may find it easier to focus on the learning. However, the parents should make sure that there is at least one warm, caring person at the Mesivta who can serve as a “goto” resource to provide the child with emotional support.

It is tempting to try to push an ehrliche but academically weak boy into an aleph Yeshiva so that he can be with the best boys.  This is often a mistaken strategy, setting up the boy for failure and the possibility of resorting to counter-productive behavior, unless the mesivta is experienced in finding ways for such boys to shine.

Socially Weak

Children who tend to get bullied or ostracized need a Mesivta placement that will also give them access to help acquiring social skills.  This may mean looking for an effective therapist along with finding the right Mesivta.

Some children seem socially weak because they lack friends, but otherwise they function well.  They might be introverted and simply not interested in having a social life.  These children may be happiest in a large Mesivta where they can be lost in the crowd and face less pressure to fit into the social scene.

On the other hand, while placement in a large Yeshiva is more comfortable, this may postpone the process of helping the child acquire valuable social skills.  Small classes in mainstream, out of town schools are usually the best option for learning to fit in, since regular sized classes may be overwhelming to the child.

Bullying can be a problem both in large classes which may consist of cliques that exclude loners and in small classes which may be dominated by one or two strong personalities.

Yiddishkeit Challenges

Children who have practical or ideological problems with Yiddishkeit need a Mesivta that is geared to addressing these issues.  Such Mesivtas do exist and each has its own approach to helping these boys.

Emotionally Fragile

This includes the anxious, depressed, OCD, bi-polar, and so on.  Sometimes, symptoms can be managed when the child is in a controlled environment, but this is not long-term solution since the child may fall apart once he’s in the “real world”.  Such children need a supportive Mesivta that also gives them access to quality therapy to begin working on their deeper issues.  Such Mesivtas may be easier to find in larger communities which have more resources than out-of-town communities.

Medical Issues

Where there are medical issues, it may be easiest and safest to stay local.

Non-local Mesivtas may be wary of admitting boys with chronic medical conditions that require medications, such as diabetes, severe allergies, and chemical imbalances.  Parents should first make sure that they have clarity about the child’s medical condition and needs.

Once they decide on which Mesivta(s) is appropriate for their son, they may need an advocate: a principal, Rebbe, or placement professional to help the Mesivta staff understand that they can handle the child’s needs.  Depending on the situation, it may be best to limit full disclosure of the child’s medical issues until the Mesivta staff meets the boy.  Once the boy is admitted, the parents may ask the staff or the local Bikur Cholim for medical referrals.

Should the Child Dorm?

There are many reasons to want to keep boys away from dormitories and under the closer supervision and more wholesome atmosphere of their home environment.  That said, there are circumstances where dorming may be the better option:

  • If the home environment is unstable, unhealthy, or chaotic, children are often better off in a dorm. Children from divorced families are often more comfortable dorming since this helps them blend in with their peers who are also away from their families.
  • Sometimes, the only way for the teenager to get along with family members is to get away.
  • A true masmid (diligent student) may accomplish more in his learning when he lives at the Yeshiva.

If the best placement option for a child with challenges is an out-of-town Yeshiva, parents should not let the dormitory cause them to reject the placement.  Instead, they can check out the dorm’s structure and supervision, keeping in mind that children living at home are not necessarily “safe”.  Children who are prone to inappropriate pursuits may well find them even when living at home.

Commuting to a Mesivta may be difficult, since some children get worn down from the longer hours this entails and it may be harder to sustain.  That said, children have succeeded using this option.  Sometimes, children dorm at the school after the first year or two.

Children who have difficulty getting along with others are often best avoiding the dorm.  If an out-of-town placement is essential for such a child, parents may want to look into boarding options.

Boarding is complicated since it’s crucial to get the right arrangement.  When a boy is placed in an out-of-town Yeshiva without a dormitory, boarding is the only option.  Parents should be wary of having their son placed in a basement, with or without other boys, since this might mean no supervision.  On the other hand, children feel awkward and uncomfortable “being in the way” of family conversations and events.

It is important to check out the family carefully, since having a spare room does not automatically mean that one is qualified to look after someone else’s child, let alone a non-typical one.  While staying with a Rebbe seems ideal, boys often dislike it.

The terms should be spelled out carefully: what the family is to provide and what the child has access to in the kitchen and home.  Parents should also try to arrange in advance what happens should their child get sick and needs transportation to doctors and the like.

Other Factors Affecting Placement

Child’s Preference

Wherever feasible, the child should be allowed to select the placement option that he prefers.  While younger children (under age 9) or compliant boys can be placed wherever the parent chooses, a resentful teen may sabotage his chances at success in the Yeshiva if placed against his will.  Parents may find it helpful to bring the boy to the Yeshiva in advance and give him a chance to get used to the idea of attending.

Parents should be aware that it is crushing to wake up every morning knowing that you are not going to do anything you want to do that day, or for the next four years.  This can lead to anxiety and depression.

Hashkafic Compatibility

Children are more likely to thrive where they are comfortable.  The Yeshiva’s hashkafa is an important part of the environment.  Wherever possible, the Yeshiva’s hashkafa should match the child’s background, assuming that the child identifies with his family’s beliefs.

Conclusion

We are fortunate that there are many Mesivta options for boys graduating eighth grade.  When parents find the right placement for their son, they are able to enjoy the nachas of watching him grow into the young man he was meant to be.  We wish all our readers success in finding the best options for all of their children.

Careers and Training

 

Choosing a career is an important life decision which includes determining how to get the qualifications needed to train for a field.  In this article, we outline strategies and tips for parents and young adults, gleaned from interviews with career counselors, recruiters, and young people in various stages of their career.

How Much Parental Involvement?

Children are more likely to make the best choices when parents are involved in the process, provided that there is a healthy balance of discussion and independence in the relationship.  Neither extreme of parents dictating the children’s career/training path or total lack of parental involvement is in the children’s best interest.  If needed, a mentor or guide, (a school staff member or older friend) should be found for the student.

Parents should keep in mind the need for objectivity.  Unfulfilled ambitions on a parent’s part, for example, may lead a parent to push their child to a career or educational path that the parent was not able to pursue.  Another potential trap is pushing a child to pursue the same path that led the parent or older siblings to a successful career.  In addition, parents need to acknowledge academic challenges that may preclude the pursuit of a specific degree.

The High School Years

Children vary greatly in their maturity, academic level, and ambition.  For some children, the high school years are an important time for social and emotional development.  Children who find academics difficult may struggle to graduate with the high school diploma.

Other children perceive high school as preparation for college, or indeed, as college itself.  Ambitious teens take AP (Advanced Placement) courses and exams so that they graduate with college credits.  There are teens who coordinated their high school coursework with college level exams so that they graduated high school with a BA (Bachelor’s Degree).  Parents who know their children well may help them decide whether to push themselves during high school or to focus on internal growth.

It is useful if the child is ready in eleventh grade to discuss career plans, since this allows the parents and child to include career preparation when applying for seminary or Bais Medrash.  Parents may ask their child, “Where do you see yourself in five to ten years?”   While some boys start their career training later than girls, it may be beneficial for those who are not determined to learn forever to start thinking about the future.  However, parents must keep in mind that children develop at different rates and pushing a child to decide too early may lead to wasting time and money on the wrong training, aside from causing emotional stress.

Considerations on Choosing Careers

Personal Preferences

Being unhappy with one’s work leads to problems.  With a little creativity, hobbies and favorite pastimes may be channeled into careers.  For example, an avid shopper or interior decorator may use their experience to start a business.  A camera hobbyist may use his/her expertise for a career in sales for cameras and related products.  Temperament should also be kept in mind.  Not everyone is suited to sit behind a desk, for example.

Suitability for the work/training 

Someone who dislikes academics may not be able to complete the degree even if s/he has an aptitude for the career.  This is a flaw with aptitude testing done in isolation from the personality or character of the person being tested.  On the other hand, aptitude tests may uncover previously unknown strengths that may open more career options.

Sometimes, children who were poor students in high school succeed in college and graduate school.  Maturity and motivation can make a tremendous difference in outcome.  A gap year often helps students reach academic maturity and success.  Starting classes at a community college that provides more support may be the right path for some students.

Work/Life Balance 

Before committing to a specific career or career path, one should consider the ramifications on family and spiritual life.  For example, a high-powered professional career may impede minyan attendance, regular learning, and spending time with spouse and children.  Girls planning high powered careers (law, PhD, MD, BoS or pharmaceutical) should be aware that the training period involved demands a great commitment from the family.

For married job seekers, much depends on the dynamics of their family, since some families need more time and attention from both parents than others.  Since this is very individual, it is advisable to consult a Rav about the work/life balance.

Researching Careers

Unless the child is certain about what s/he wants to do, it is worthwhile to find out what careers and jobs are “out there”.  Children should speak to older friends, relatives, and acquaintances to find out what they do for a living.

It is especially productive to speak to people who are just a bit older and who share one’s background and values in order to determine the viability of the training and the work from a similar perspective.  Talking to a variety of people in the field is also useful for learning about different career paths within the field, including unexpected ways to use one’s degree or training.  Many professional careers have alternative versions: for example, a lawyer may choose to work as an in-house attorney, or a doctor may work for a hospital rather than setting up a practice.

Shadowing someone for a day or two as they go about their work may be eye-opening.  For example, there is a misconception that girls who enjoyed science in school will enjoy working as therapists or nurses.  In reality, these careers involve working intensively with people and patience is as great an asset for this work as academic ability.  Students should also make sure to attend career events at school.  Internships are another valuable tool for researching careers, and some colleges allow them to be used for course credits.

Children who decide to “go into Chinuch” should educate themselves about different career paths in this field.  Tutoring, volunteering, and shadowing students or teachers are useful for learning more about the field.  Future mechanchim might consider taking courses offered through institutions such as Torah U’Mesorah to improve their job and income prospects.

Common Career Choices

Typical choices among today’s youth are therapies (OT, PT, Speech), special education, health services (nursing, dental hygienist, physician’s assistant, physician) and social work (CSW, LCSW).  Some less academic options include: OTA (assistant to OT) and para-legal.  Yeshiva graduates often gravitate to fields where doing well on tests is crucial for credentials: accounting, law (LSATS), actuary, and business (GMAT).  Computer programming and other technology fields are also popular, since the skills may be acquired outside the college system (e.g. computer boot camps or online resources) and ability can be clearly demonstrated.

Young men who are not academically oriented are often encouraged to pursue vocational training programs for careers as plumbers, electricians, heating/cooling technicians (HVAC), EMT (emergency medical technician), construction, and the like.

Real estate is another popular area, providing jobs in real estate brokerage, property management, and mortgage underwriting.  These kinds of jobs usually have minimal training requirements to obtain the requisite license.

For the Clueless Child

Where a child has absolutely no idea what s/he wants to do for a living, and especially where the childhood was complicated, it may be best to find the child any available job.  Employment fosters feelings of competence and self-esteem and gives a feeling for what the working life entails.  If the job doesn’t work out, the child may try another one, until the s/he gets an idea of his/her career preference.  At that point, the child may be mature and motivated enough to research the training path on his/her own.  Sending a child who has no direction at all to college may be a waste of money.

Financial Planning

Parents should be aware that financial aid (TAP/Pell grants) aimed at helping children acquire higher education cannot be used twice.  Once a student acquires a Bachelor’s level degree, s/he is no longer eligible for most forms of financial aid, although FAFSA (Federal Student Aid) may be available under limited circumstances for a second bachelor’s degree or graduate studies.

Children should be included in the decision whether to use this money for seminary/Bais Medrash or whether to save it to finance college level coursework later.  Children may feel betrayed if they find out, perhaps after they are already married, that they are not eligible for government help to train for a career, because the money was already used by their parents to pay for learning in Israel.

Bais Medrash

Yeshivas have varying attitudes about bochrim taking secular courses while attending Bais Medrash: some forbid it, some turn a blind eye, and some work with established educational institutions to provide bochrim with college courses or credits.  Where college credit and grades are determined by the Yeshiva, bochrim are advised to find out in advance which criteria Rebbeim/Hanhalla use to base grades (e.g. bechinos, seder attendance) which go on the transcript.

Yeshiva Boys in Career Training

Some Mesivtas do not emphasize academic excellence in general studies; they often do not see their job as preparing bochrim for college.  Moreover, even college-bound bochrim often spend a few years in Bais Medrash before starting college.  However, it has been observed that many Yeshiva boys adapt readily to the college workload and often excel.  A serious bochur is used to spending long hours studying; by the time he starts college, he is often mature and very focused on achieving.

That said, bochrim who use the BTL (bachelor of Talmudic law) degree and high LSAT scores to gain admission to law school without attending college should be aware that the adjustment is difficult.  It is a good idea for bochrim to develop writing skills before starting college.  Bochrim who choose technical majors may need to allocate a few months to review their math and bring their math skills up to the pre-calculus level.

College and Its Variants

Two frum college options, Yeshiva University/Stern College for Women, and The Lander Colleges (a division of Touro), provide a classic college experience on a single gender campus with a dormitory.  Among the advantages of frum colleges is that they work around the Yom Tov schedule, are accustomed to accepting Yeshiva/seminary credits, and understand the financial constraints of frum parents.  It is possible for diligent students to gain their BA in two years by using seminary credits and attending summer classes.  However, students who do not know what career they wish to pursue or are prone to changing their mind may do best starting with a slower route.

Some Yeshivas/seminaries are either accredited institutions of higher education or have close relationships with colleges.  They offer students the option of taking college level classes in Yeshiva/seminary, in a neutral location, or online.

The traditional college experience, with four years of taking courses on campus, has become one of many options for getting a bachelor’s degree (BA).  Even in the secular world, young people are finding cheaper, faster, and more convenient ways to attain educational qualifications.  Frequently, the bachelor’s degree is seen as a “piece of paper” that is needed in order to be admitted to the graduate program in which the real career training happens.

The general approach is to first to decide on the desired career, find the educational credentials needed to get a job in the field, and work backwards to determine which institutions can provide these credentials, or the steps to obtain the credentials, at minimum cost, inconvenience, and time.  Note, however, that many of these shortcuts do not come with financial aid, unlike standard college.

An industry has developed to help frum people gather the credits they need to get their BA.  This may include creating college-level exams to test Yeshiva-educated children on subjects such as ethics or Bible study, offering online courses, and giving credit for time spent learning in Bais Medrash.  Self-study courses allow students to learn material by reading and/or watching lectures, and taking exams for credit at testing centers.  Some organizations have created accredited separate-gender class-room-based liberal arts and specialized courses conveniently sited near frum communities.  Some programs, such as those that work with Fairleigh Dickenson College coordinate with the Yeshiva bochur’s calendar, scheduling classes during bein hazmanim.

Students may use these institutions to create themselves a personal approach to getting the bachelor’s degree as a springboard to admission to nursing school and the like.  In order to fulfill specialized requirements, such as lab-based sciences, they might enroll in a local community college to take the courses as non-matriculated students. Students are advised to ascertain that the institution to which they are applying will accept these credits.

Higher Tier Jobs

The approaches described above to get a college degree without attending college or with minimal on-campus course work have proven effective.  These credentials have allowed many Yeshiva-educated people to find productive employment, particularly in frum companies and within the Yeshiva school system.

However, a resume containing accreditation from non-traditional colleges or from lower tier colleges is unlikely to be shown to management in upper echelons of the corporate world.  Candidates for higher prestige jobs (higher pay, more responsibility, more interesting work) are expected to stand out from the crowd, usually by having been admitted to exclusive colleges and maintaining high grades.

Exceptionally talented individuals may compensate for substandard college preparation if they can demonstrate that they have superior skills in a valuable area, especially in technology or in sales.  This may be done through acquiring relevant work experience that makes a significant impact, perhaps through work in a frum company or a startup.  Programmers may also showcase their abilities through participation in online forums such as StackOverflow or joining collaborative open source programming projects.

Researching Training Programs

There are a variety of programs available to provide people with the credentials required to start careers.  It is wise to ask questions before investing time and money in a program.

Effectiveness

It is essential to speak with alumni of the program, to find out how well the program qualified them to find employment in the field of their choice.  Questions to ask include: To which graduate schools were they admitted, based on the degree or training?  Did the jobs they attain have the salary and status level they had been led to expect?  How helpful was the guidance department of the program?  An inability to speak with alumni is a major red flag.

The more effective programs try to coordinate with companies in the field in order to finetune their training to meet their needs.  Many college programs have internships with companies that lead directly to being hired on graduation.  In general, the more established programs are more likely to have forged connections that lead to jobs.

True Cost

Aside from the tuition per year and the number of years to completion, there may be other costs, including: additional fees for tests, graduation fees, and transcript charges.

It is important to read the fine print on financial aid grants.  Sometimes, there are residency requirements for some years after graduation, such that the student must stay in the state or the grant becomes a student loan which must be repaid with interest.

Classroom Setting

Are the classes separate-gender?  Where and when do the classes take place?  How is the student expected to get to them?

It is a good idea to visit the program while it is in session to get a sense of the atmosphere: will this child be comfortable with these students?  Faculty?  Neighborhood? Transportation?

Transfer Credits

How many credits from seminary/Bais Medrash does the program accept?  Are AP (advanced placement exams) accepted?  At what score?  For which courses?  Are high school courses taken on college level accepted for college credit?  Are grades from transfer credits included in the college GPA listed on the transcript?

For colleges: what is the minimum number of in-house credits required for the degree?  This may limit the usefulness of credits earned in Israel or transferred from other programs.

Responsiveness

Do the program staff return telephone calls or emails promptly?  Do they take the time to explain details of requirements, financial aid, and like?  Does each student have an academic advisor?  How involved is the advisor?  How much job or graduate school placement guidance does the program provide?

General Tips

  • It is a good idea to discuss career plans with a qualified outsider to make sure that they are plausible, especially when coming from a non-typical background.
  • Avoid working fulltime during a challenging college/training program unless it’s essential.  Education is a long-term investment and it’s important to do well in order to land the right first job.  In general, girls should be wary of “biting off more than they can chew” on returning from seminary.  The adjustment to adult life, including dating, social obligations, and navigating home life, also takes a lot of energy.
  • If after starting a training program or a career path, one feels that it doesn’t suit, one should be prepared to switch to another career and training course.  It is better to execute a U turn earlier than later.
  • Taking online courses may be more convenient than attending courses on campus, but they may demand much more work from the students.  For many students, self-teaching is more difficult than learning from lectures.  Success for such students is more likely where online courses are in subjects in which the student already has a strong background or natural ability.
  • Some people who skip the college option to work in an office have found it profitable to get a degree later on in business management to increase their salary or future job prospects.  Business degrees are also useful for students who wish to start their own businesses, since they teach the basics about accounting, cashflow, and the like.  It is worthwhile to find the most relevant degree since business degrees vary.

Which Factors Determine Success?

Getting the right degree from the right institution does not guarantee job offers.  The graduate also needs to acquire job-seeking skills: how to write an effective resume, how to network for job prospects, how to present him/herself, and how to interview successfully.

Once employed, traits such as a strong work ethic, reliability, social skills, and being a team player are important for success in the workplace.

 

 

Those Long Friday Evenings

 

Each year, when the clock changes in the fall, we enter the “early Shabbos” period, lasting for about three months.  With Shabbos starting around 4:15PM, most families are finished with their Friday night meal by 8:00.  What happens next?

A Precious Opportunity

Many parents are pressured and time-starved as they juggle work, household duties, various obligations, and their children’s needs.  In addition, they may be distracted by telephone calls, text messages, and emails.  It is very hard to focus exclusively on the children.  Shabbos is the antidote to this problem, since through its restrictions, it provides parents and children with time to reconnect.  It is crucial that parents utilize this opportunity in the most optimal way, since Shabbos is also the prime medium through which young children experience both family and Yiddishkeit.  The earlier years of childhood are the best time to build the bonds to both.

Families employ different strategies to utilize the long Friday nights of winter to their full potential.  Parents should try to be attuned to their children’s response to their chinuch plans.  What works for some children does not necessarily work for others, and children’s tastes are likely to change as they grow older.

Creating A Post-Seuda Experience

Some parents make a quick seuda on Friday night.  This leaves time for a new venue for their weekly get-together with the children.

Forming a Special Venue

A nice idea, especially for younger families, is to have all the children get into nighttime clothing, fetch their sleeping bags, and stage a pajama party.   A blanket draped or tied over some chairs makes an impromptu tent.  Favorite dolls or stuffed animals can be brought in, even by children who have outgrown them.

Post-Seuda Treats

An extra cholent, popcorn, grape juice slush: parents may use their imagination or consult with the children to decide on special food to make Friday nights stand out.

Activities

  • Discuss the week, preferably emphasizing the positive in keeping with Shabbos spirit.
  • Each child suggests a song in turn.
  • Parsha, Divrei Torah, Inspirational Story.
  • Games: Jewish-themed games are the ideal on Shabbos: guessing games or Jewish versions of Lotto and the like.  Some children may prefer classic board games (Monopoly, Sorry, Perpetual Commotion, etc.), puzzles and brain teasers, classic activity games like Simon Says, Red Light/Green Light, Hide & Seek, card games.  If the children don’t seem interested in the family’s games, parents may ask them to inform them in advance about the latest games.  Note that there is a toy library in Passaic: call 973 472 5414 for more information.
  • Acting: Children or parents may stage puppet shows, perform a play, or charades perhaps based on the parsha or on material they are` learning in Yeshiva. A puppet show may be an effective modality for parents to convey a message that their children would not be willing to hear directly.

Having the evening’s activities revolve around a Torah idea: a posuk, a midda, or a mitzvah allows parents and children to be creative while deepening their understanding of an important concept.

Older children might not want to participate but may enjoy reading quietly (and listening in) somewhere in the room.  Later, they might appreciate their own one-on-one time with a parent.

Prolonging the Seuda?

For other families, having a long, leisurely Friday night seuda might work better.  Older children have more stamina to sit at the table and just talk, provided that the conversation is pitched to their interests.  Parents may begin the seuda with singing and parsha sheets pitched towards younger siblings and switch gears after putting the young ones to bed.

Parents may want to take their children’s interests into account when inviting guests for a long Friday night seuda.  Some guests stimulate good conversation and enhance the dynamic around the Shabbos table.  In general, it is advisable for parents to give their children’s needs priority during sensitive times when they are growing up, since this is the best period for fostering a strong, resilient relationship with parents and Yiddishkeit.

Older Siblings

Not every teen wants to bond with parents and young siblings on Friday night.  And, even if they secretly enjoy family-based activities, they may resent having their approval taken for granted.  During the week, parents may ask their teen how s/he would like to “play out” Friday night.

One option may be to invite a friend for a sleepover after the seuda.  For some families, it may pay to split the parenting, with one parent cozying up with the younger children while the other hangs out in another room with the older ones.

Sometimes, it is best to opt out of family-based activities for the teens and organize an oneg instead.  Parents of teens in the same crowd may organize a rotating oneg, serving food, singing, sharing divrei Torah…  Aside from keeping one’s child in a safe environment, this may be the parents’ best chance to meet their child’s friends and learn more about his/her life.

Friday Night Learning Programs

These learning programs offer fathers another option for spending time one on one with their sons.  While reviewing material covered in school is the obvious option, fathers may consider other kinds of learning.  Pirkei Avos, for example, is a good springboard for hashkafa or mussar discussion.  However, fathers should not assume that their sons share their interests, since some boys just want to cover their weekly chazara.  Fathers may ask their sons to suggest topics.

It is a good idea for parents to ascertain whether their sons really enjoy the Bais Medrash experience or whether they want a break from learning.  Some boys need a push to get out of the house, but once they’re at the program, they benefit.  For others, being pushed to learn, in or out of the house, is counter-productive and best avoided.

Note: Single mothers are extremely grateful when men offer to learn with their sons or to take them to shul and look after them.

Discussing Hashkafa

Spending quality time with their children on Friday evenings provides parents with their chance to supplement what the children are taught in school.  Hashkafa, or Mussar or Chassidic-based teachings may enrich the childrens’ spiritual lives.  While children, especially girls, are taught hashkafa in school, this is usually integrated into lesson plans in chumash, navi, and the like.  Therefore, children may not realize how much they are receiving at school.  Discussing topics at home gives children a chance to articulate their positions and explore different viewpoints without feeling judged by their peers or their teachers.  For boys in junior high school this may be their best chance to obtain this type of learning since their Yeshiva curriculum at this age tends to focus mostly on gemara.

Open-ended discussions may be stimulated by having a parent or older child read a meaningful story aloud.  Rabbi Yitzchak Eisenman’s short vorts often work well to stimulate thoughtful conversations.

An Opportunity Missed…

Parents are often very fatigued on Friday nights and may succumb to the temptation to “crash” and sleep from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM.  However, we are finding boys as young as 7th and 8th grade roaming the streets on Friday night, bored and looking for something to do.  The night life in our community contains elements to which parents do not want their children exposed.

Yom Tov with the Children

 

The Yomim Tovim present parents an opportunity to connect with their children without the pressures and distractions of school.  Yom Tov is also the parents’ time to fulfil the primary role in their children’s chinuch and connection with Yiddishkeit.  In this article, we present tips and strategies to help parents make the most of this opportunity.

This article is geared towards families with children under age fourteen.

Maintaining a Balance

“Don’t forget the children!” was the message a young interviewee wanted to convey to parents on the subject of planning Yom Tov.  However, when planning Yom Tov, parents need to juggle a variety of goals, needs, and wishes within the constraints of time, budget, and energy.  While we want our children to enjoy and benefit from Yom Tov to the maximum, it is neither feasible nor wholesome for children to see themselves as the center of their parents’ universe.

A general approach is to give higher priority to the needs of struggling children, and lower priority to the preferences of children who seem well-adjusted.  When making a decision that runs counter to a child’s desires or needs, it is kinder to acknowledge this to the child rather than letting him/her feel forgotten.  If the decision is truly hard for the child to live with, parents may decide, based on circumstances, to offer some kind of “compensation” such as an extra treat or favor during or after Yom Tov.

Decisions…

When making choices for Yom Tov, parents should keep in mind the medium and long term effects of decisions they made the previous year.  For example, children who were off schedule may have been wild over Yom Tov, but perhaps this is overshadowed by the pleasant memories of a great experience.  On the other hand, an overly turbulent Yom Tov may build up long-term resentment against family members or Yom Tov in general.

Parents may also want to keep in mind that each family is unique, and, therefore, decisions are best made based on their family’s needs and experiences rather than on societal expectations.  In particular, children vary greatly in their tolerance for sleep deprivation or over-stimulating environments.

Consult the Children

It is easier for parents to make optimal decisions when they have all the relevant information.  It is worth asking each child his/her preferences in areas such as Yom Tov activities, foods, company, and schedule.  There may be surprises.

Staying Home vs. Going Away for Yom Tov

A Yom Tov spent with friends or relatives is usually a richer experience for the children.  They have more people to interact with and they may grow through being taken out of their normal environment.  Parents may enjoy reconnecting with their friends or family members.  They may also find it easier to move the family than to prepare an entire Yom Tov.

 

On the other hand, it is hard on some children to be away from home, especially on a three-day Yom Tov.  It is often impossible for children to adhere to their normal schedule, sleeping accommodations are often makeshift, and the food may be unfamiliar.  In addition, sensitive children may be overwhelmed at being surrounded by strangers and a more chaotic environment.

Maintaining Bedtimes vs. Staying up for Meals

Night meals on Yom Tov often take place way after children’s bedtimes.  One option is to encourage children to nap during the day and let them stay up as long as they wish for the night-time seuda.  Participating in the night meals enriches the Yom Tov experience for the children and prevents resentment at being excluded.

The other approach is for the parents to spend quality time with their younger children on Yom Tov afternoon, serve them a nice supper, and put them to bed at their regular bedtime.  Aside from allowing younger children to keep up with their sleep, this option permits parents to focus on their older children, their guests, or each other during the late meals.

Hosting Guests?

In addition to the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim, including guests at the meals adds to the Yom Tov ambience.   Guests are often fun for the children.  It is often a good idea, however, to include at least one meal for just the family to strengthen the family’s sense of achdus and to make sure that every child gets attention.

Eating Out?

The natural impulse is to accept invitations to Yom Tov meals.  However, if parents find that their children often react negatively to dining out, it may be better to decline until the children grow out of their anti-social phase.  If the problem seems to be food-related, parents might ask the host if they could bring a favorite side dish in order to satisfy the children.

Advance Preparations

Suitable Entertainment

Providing the children with toys, games, and reading material enhances Yom Tov for parents and children.  The many Torah-themed versions of popular board games give an extra educational twist and reinforce the Yom Tov atmosphere.  Jewish books are available at our local Judaic library; purchasing second hand books may be another option for tight budgets.  A nice way to freshen the children’s reading material is to purchase back issues of the children’s favorite Torah magazines.

Coordinate with Friends

Compatible playdates make the time fly.  It is wise to coordinate in advance with the parents of the children’s friends to find out who will be home for Yom Tov and to schedule playdates, since telephoning is not an option on Yom Tov.  There is more flexibility if one opts for friends who are geographically closer.  Inviting families with compatible children for meals is another way to help the children socialize on Yom Tov.

Spending Time with the Children

Taking a Yom Tov walk with one or more children provides everyone with much-needed exercise, fresh air, and undistracted attention, even when the weather is not ideal.  Younger children enjoy spending hours at the park; however, parents should make sure that the children drink and snack to avoid meltdowns.

Learning with a child adds a spiritual element to oneg Yom Tov.  However, the learning should be geared to the child’s skill level, attention span, and interest.  It may be advantageous in the long run to read Chassidic tales or other inspiration material with a child who is unhappy at school.

Children and Shul

It is probably better for all parties concerned: the mother, the children, and the tzibbur, when the mother gives up on davening in shul until her youngest children are able to daven independently at shul.  However, going to meet the father at the end of shul provides the children with an outing, the option of hearing some of the davening, and a chance to show off their Yom Tov outfits.  A meaningful compromise may be to catch birkas cohanim, since some children enjoy this experience.  Another possibility is to attend a shul which offers babysitting and/or youth programming.

Sending children to shul before they are capable of davening inside the entire time often means having the children hang out, unsupervised, for hours.  This may lead to bullying or to dangerous activities.

Conclusion

The Yomim Tovim are a wonderful time but can be stressful.  When parents keep their children’s needs in mind, they may help everyone maximize their simchas Yom Tov, creating great memories and fostering spiritual growth for the entire family.

Children and Technology

 

 

Electronic technology has become part of our lives and a presence in our children’s world.  Computers, smart phones, electronic toys, email, social media, and a myriad of apps: families need to decide which technologies belong in their homes and how they should be used.   The purpose of this article is to provide parents with a framework to help them work out their approach to the challenge that screen-based technology poses to their children’s chinuch.  While we do not espouse any specific hashkafa in reference to the use of electronic entertainment or internet technology, we recommend that parents seek Rabbinic guidance to help them make decisions in this area.

This material is based on interviews with parents, children, mechanchim, and the staff of TAG (Technology Awareness Group).

TAG (Technology Awareness Group)

In this article, we mention TAG as a resource for parents.  TAG is a volunteer organization under the direction of Rav Matisyahu Salomon shlita, with 29 global offices.  Its mission is to help people understand and deal with the challenges raised by their use of digital technology and to help implement proper safeguards (primarily filters) for their use of digital devices.  TAG sees itself as a resource to give people the various options, trade-offs, etc., among various filters, apps and device brands. It is up to the individual to decide the level of filtering; TAG does not impose a particular hashkafa.

Decide on a Family Policy

In order for parents to raise their children according to their own values, they need to determine the fit of their values and the products of today’s technology: the games, the communication and the social media. They may find it useful to consult the family Rav, mechanchim at their children’s Yeshiva, relatives, and friends for information and  to help formulate a set of policies that’s right for them. This policy should be concrete enough that children know which devices and applications they are allowed to use, such as texting, social media, games, etc.

Once the parents have formulated a family policy, they need to educate their children about their policy, explaining what limits they wish to impose, and why.  Policy may need to change over time as technology and family circumstances change.  In addition, parents will need to fine tune their policies based on their children’s needs and personalities.  All this should be explained regularly to the children.

Stay Educated

It is harder for children to respect their parents’ decisions if they feel that their parents are out-of-touch with the realities of their world.  Given how quickly technology and trends change, parents will need to stay up to date by paying attention to what their children talk about and researching what they hear, attending lectures, and discussing the latest parenting challenges with other parents.

Delaying the Introduction of the Technology

Rabbonim and mechanchim advise postponing giving children high-tech entertainment for a variety of reasons, including potential for addiction and the danger of risky internet behavior. While much depends on a child’s personality, in general, minimizing children’s exposure to devices such as smart phones or tablets is helpful.

Children may be introduced to electronic toys on playdates or at family gatherings.  Parents may need to state in advance their electronic media policy to friends and the extended family.  Close relatives also need to understand the parents’ policy; otherwise, they may give the children iPads, Nintendos, or smartphones as presents when parents do not want their children to use them.

Providing alternative sources of entertainment may be helpful in minimizing children’s desire for electronic entertainment.  Parents may take the initiative by organizing group playdates around sports activities and board games.  Some games that are popular now include chess, checkers, Perpetual Commotion, Quoridor, Settlers of Catan, Blokus, Bananagram, RubiCub, Kugelach, Connect 4, Backgammon, and Risk.  Parents may need to jumpstart interest in games and sports by playing with the children.  Keeping the children supplied with entertaining books may also be helpful.

Before Getting the Device/Technology

Children often start asking for electronic toys such as a Nintendo DS or an Xbox in elementary school, with the age varying according to their exposure and their interests.  Older children often request iPods, smartphones, or their own email account.  The safest policy is for parents to postpone making a decision until they research the questions that we outline below.  Children might pressure parents to buy immediately in order to take advantage of a sale; however, parents may respond that their children’s wellbeing is more important to them than the money they may save.

Are there hazards?

Does the game depict violence?  How do women appear?  Do ads appear during gameplay? Does the sports game include cheerleading segments?   Is the game downloaded or upgraded from the internet?  A problem with downloading software from the internet is that the software often includes pop up advertisements or ads on the bottom of the screen, since this is one way that developers of free games make their money. These advertisements, which may show up later when the game is played offline, may display images incompatible with the family’s values.

Parents should also find out in advance whether the game/app requires internet access or benefits from internet access.  Most multi-player games require internet access.  These games often allow players to communicate with each other, such that one’s child may begin exchanging messages with a stranger.

Parents also need to know what follows in practice when a child or family acquires the technology.   Speaking to parents whose children already have the device is a good way to learn about unexpected side effects.   The TAG office or experienced mechanchim are also important sources of information, since they are in contact with many parents.

Parents may find out, for example, that the game or app may be innocuous, but the device may allow internet access.  Supervision might not be available 100% of the time. In addition, families find it extremely difficult to enforce usage limits, especially at night.  It is a good idea to speak with a few people, because children vary in their interest in exploring technology, and parents vary in how aware they are of their children’s activities.

If the research seems to indicate that the game is not harmful, parents might try playing the game (or watching others playing it) in order to gain the perspective of a “hands-on” experience.

Can the device/technology be filtered or monitored?

Hardware (iPods, PSPs, Nintendos, smartphones, etc.) and software (games, apps) vary in how effectively they can be protected from the hazards of the internet.  TAG advises the community to contact them before purchasing.  Many mobile devices do not allow filtering.  Filters, too, vary in effectiveness and in the level of control they provide.  Parents may “google” the name of the device followed by “parental control bypass” to see the effectiveness of the control. Parents may also wish to find out how much password protection the device or the software allows, and whether there are ways to monitor its use.  For example, some applications (apps) have an option to send notifications to an email address each time certain features are accessed.

How will it be used?

Parents should find out which games the child wishes to play and how s/he plans to fit game playing in his/her schedule.  How will they prevent the child from spending all day or staying up all hours with the device?   Can different profiles be given different settings so that siblings are given content appropriate for their age?   How will games be obtained?  Some games are only available through app stores.  If the device/game requires internet access, how will this be obtained?

What are the Child’s Needs

“One size fits all” does not work well for chinuch.  A relevant question may be, “What is the alternative?”  If the child is likely to be able and willing to acquire the device on his/her own without consulting the parents, it is better for the parents to offer it preemptively so that they can bring the technology on their own terms and exert some level of monitoring or control.

It is a good idea to consult the family Rav and/or someone experienced to help decide these subjective situations.  Where the child does not follow parental rules, it is advisable to seek guidance from outside professional help also.

After Acquiring the Device

The parents should be the first ones to open the box, to install the software, or to set up the account.  They need to be the ones to create the passwords and determine the settings.  In addition, the device may be pre-loaded with undesirable content (movies, games, or apps) which they will want to remove.

They may bring the device to the TAG office, to a friend, or to a professional to have it set up according to their values.  This is the time to have filtering and monitoring software installed, and to learn how to use it.   Note: It is often a good idea to consult with TAG even if the parents are technologically savvy, since the parents may not be up to date on parental control options.

If the child sets up the device first, parents should not give up.  If they bring it to the TAG office, the staff should be able to reset the device and set up parental controls.

Monitoring Use

Parents should be in constant discussion with children about how they use the device or the communication technology.  Should parents feel the necessity to monitor on a closer level, they would explain why and how they would monitor.  Parents could decide with children to periodically bring the device to a neutral third party, such as a TAG office to make sure that filters are still working properly.  An alternative approach is to acquire the device as “family property” available for use by siblings and parents.  This makes it less likely that any of the children will load inappropriate content and allows parents to monitor it without seeming to spy.

Guard Your Own Phone

Parents should keep in mind that their own smartphones may be their children’s primary exposure to inappropriate content and apps.  If they feel the need to give children their phones, they must make sure to password protect access to the internet and to close the app store.  If there is any doubt about what children may have done with a parent’s device, there is always the option to bring it to TAG.

Conclusion

Children are able to sense how much parents truly value something by seeing how much time and effort parents invest in it.  The most convincing way for parents to demonstrate the depth of their commitment to their children’s chinuch and wellbeing is to take the time to learn about and keep up with the technology in the children’s world and to enforce the policies that they determine appropriate for each child.

 

What Should the Kids Read?

 

Recreational reading is an important and beloved part of childhood.  In this article, based on interviews with local parents and mechachim, we explore some issues related to children and reading.

Benefits and Drawbacks of Recreational Reading

There are many benefits associated with reading extensively.  For beginners, the only way to become a fluent reader is to practice reading.  This is also the most effective way to build vocabulary.  Reading enhances essential communication skills, especially writing.  Avid readers are often successful students.

Additionally, reading teaching children to understand and appreciate people from other cultures or who face different challenges.  This may help children be more tolerant and empathetic to those who are different.

Not least, reading provides many children with hours of enjoyment in the safe environment of their home.  As with any activity, when taken to extremes, excessive reading may also lead to problems.  A child who is absorbed in a book may neglect important activities, such as homework, sleep, chores, and exercise.   Children who are very avid readers may need to be encouraged to take a break

Another potential obstacle with recreational reading is that children may absorb unwholesome facts and attitudes from books.  This is why parents and mechanchim view unrestricted reading with concern.

Why Restrict Reading Material?

Material that we read makes an impression on us.  Ideas pop up unbidden and cannot be excised.  Parents sacrifice much in order to raise their children to stay within their values, paying for Yeshiva tuition and expensive housing in order to be in the “right” environment.

Moreover, the values of society at large have become increasingly at odds with the values of our community.  Parents who were brought up with unrestricted reading might find it useful to spend a little time in the children’s section of the local library to better understand the need for filtering.  Children’s books written after 1980 are more likely to include problematic content.

In addition, our community has become more sensitive to content at variance with our hashkafa.  It is not uncommon for adults to re-read books that they enjoyed as children and wonder why they were allowed to read them.  Inappropriate content is likely to make more of an impression on today’s children, who are often raised in a more sheltered environment than their parents were.

The Limits of Restriction

Parents should be aware that restricting the children’s reading merely allows parents to postpone their children’s exposure.  As they become older and more independent, children are able to obtain “forbidden fruit” if they want it.  In addition, older children possibly will encounter the situations, language, and practices that their parents have been trying to filter from their reading.

Therefore, filtering should be accompanied by education and communication.  As they mature, children need to learn their parents’ perspectives about some of the less pleasant aspects of life.  Parents may need to get advice from their own mentors in order to learn how to present the information.

Moreover, parents cannot forever prescreen their children’s reading.  Some reading restrictions should never disappear, since not everything is appropriate even for adults.  On the other hand, children will grow into adults who need to deal with all kinds of unpalatable truths and situations.  Part of the parents’ mission is to help children develop the ability to deal with the variety of situations that life brings them while filtering out what they need not or should not expose themselves to.

Setting the Family’s Reading Policy

It is useful to consult with the family Rav and/or mentors before making decisions about how open or restrictive to be with the children’s reading.

A family’s reading policy will work better if it meshes with the family’s hashkafa and the parents’ own interests and pursuits.  Otherwise, children perceive inconsistency.  Where parents themselves are more open to the outside world, it probably makes sense to permit a wider range of literature.  For a more Yeshivish family, whose children are comfortable living the more sheltered kollel-type lifestyle, a policy of exclusively Judaic literature may fit.  If the parents do not want their children to read a book or a magazine, they should not leave it around even if the material is appropriate for adults.

The family’s social context also makes a difference.  If the children’s friends and classmates are all reading and discussing a popular series, it imposes a heavy burden to prohibit one’s children from reading those books.  If they are stricter or more lenient than other families in the area, parents should make sure to explain why to their children.

It is better for children to be permitted to read a wider range of books if the alternative may be that they seek less wholesome entertainment, such as some movies or unrestricted internet.

Families should be careful about not undermining each other’s reading policies.  This means not lending books to each other or allowing reading during play dates without parental consent. It is preferable for children not to bring books to school unless the book is on the Yeshiva’s white list.

What Some Parents Are Filtering

Parents have different sensitivities and priorities about what they do not want their children to be exposed to. Most parents prefer to filter male/female content.  Depending on their hashkafa and on their taste, parents have been known to use any of the following criteria to exclude books:

  • Content about other religions
  • Beliefs that contradict Torah hashkafa (Paganism or apikorsus)
  • Inappropriate language
  • Bad middos depicted favorably: disrespect to parents and authority, chutzpah, rebelliousness
  • Glorification of role models who behave inappropriately
  • Violence, cruelty, vulgarity
  • Unhappy family situations
  • Depiction of activities inconsistent with parents’ hashkafa.

Parents should be aware that Jewish reading material should also be checked, as some may contain some of the issues listed above.  Jewish magazines may have articles that explore realities of contemporary life that parents might not want their children to learn about prematurely.

Parents should be aware that while some books in a series may be OK, others in the same series may be objectionable.

Non-fiction books, especially science and current events, may also be problematic for some, since they often present conflicting hashkafa and/or images that parents may not want in their home.

As children mature, parents may wish to find ways to gradually introduce some of this material so that children may learn about science, current events and politics and develop into informed citizens.  Otherwise, working in a non-Orthodox environment or interacting with people from other communities might be problematic.  Moreover, some parents may feel that the traditional values beautifully portrayed in some of the older children’s classics may be worthwhile for their children to experience, even if there are passages to which some may object.  It may be useful for parents to discuss these issues explicitly with their children, so that the children understand what they should and what they should not absorb from such books.

Filtering Techniques

It is much easier to enforce policy on reading material when children are not brought to the library or to bookstores.  It is also a good idea to explain parental policy to grandparents and anyone else who might purchase books for the children.

One filtering technique is to borrow or acquire books from a “white list” of pre-screened material.  Some Yeshivas have compiled such lists and may be willing to share them with parents.

Another option is for parents to screen the books themselves by reading or skimming the entire book.  A short cut is to begin by rejecting any book where the two main characters are a boy and a girl (unless they are siblings) and to read the last paragraph of the middle chapters. This might not catch all problems. Pictures should also be examined, since they are more powerful than words.

Staying in Tune with Your Children

Whether parents believe in stricter or looser control of their children’s reading, parents should try to read or at least skim through their children’s books.  Doing this helps parents enter their children’s world and examine issues that their children face.  Discussing books with the children is a nice way to facilitate open communication.  It’s also a great springboard for sharing and imparting parental values that will hopefully stay with the children for life.  A strong and open parent/child relationship makes it much easier for parents to convey their values and for children to internalize them.