By chana

Book List

This is a list of books that young teens in our community enjoyed.  The list includes Jewish books, American childhood classics, and the latest fantasy titles.  Since our community is diverse and situations vary, what is appropriate for one family or child may well be unsuitable for another.  Parents may choose to check which books on this list meet their standards of acceptability, knowing that the book is likely to be enjoyed by their child.

Entries (book titles, series, or lists of books) were submitted by parents and are grouped by parent in no specific order.  Each entry is numbered so that visitors to the site can contact me to ask to be put in touch with the parent who submitted the book title.

Feedback on this list, including content, presentation, or additional titles, would be greatly appreciated.

#1

Mysterious Benedict Society very clean

#2

The Accidental Detective, Books 1 and 2
Wheels of Mystery
BY Times series

#4

Land of Stories series

#5

Frum Titles for Girls that my 12 year old enjoyed:

Nan’s Long Journey – Leah Fried
Serina – Ruti Tanenold
Hidden Diamonds – Eva Vogiel
Starlight- Henye Meyer
Pen of the Soul – Chani Altein
Little Sister – Ruti Tanenwald
Ticket to Life -Double Life of Chani Greenberg- Menucha Beckerman

#6

Harry Potter
Wonder R. J. Palacio

#7

Eragon series- Christopher  Paoloni

#8

Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry
Gentle Ben
Banner in the Sky – not violent or romantic (mountain climbing story)
Island of the Blue Dolphins
Johnny Tremain
Sign of the Beaver (not violent)
My Brother Sam is Dead
Some Diana Wynn Jones is clean. These are fantasy. (Chrestomanci series – but not everyone in them is nice in terms of middos)
Marcus Lehman books
E.B. White

#9

Song for a Whale, by Lynne Kelly
Fish in a Tree, by Lynda Mullaly Hunt
Counting by 7s, by Holly Goldberg Sloan
Out of My Mind, Sharon M. Draper
Rain Reign, Ann M. Martin
One for the Murphy’s, by Lynda Mullaly Hunt
Mockingbird, by Katherine Erskine
Shouting at the Rain, by Lynda Mullaly Hunt
The War That Saved My Life, by Kimberely Brubraker Bradley (book one)
The War I Finally Won, by Kimberely Brubraker Bradley (book two)
City Spies, by James Ponti
Seekers of the Wild Realm, by Alexandra Ott
The Miscalculations of Lightning Girl, by Stacy McAnulty
Spark, by Sarah Beth Durst
Ghoulish Song, by William Alexander
Goblin Secrets, by William Alexander
A Properly Unhaunted Place, by William Alexander
the Jack Blank series (The Accidental Hero, The Secret War, The End of Infinity), by Matt Myklusch

#10

Land of Stories series by Chris Colfer

#11

Jewish books:

The Little Black Box, by Libby Lazewnick and Perel Schreiber
The Cohens of Tzfas, by Miram Stark Zakon
Saadiah Weissman, by Rabbi Bentzion Firer
Royal Challenge, by Yitzchok Solomon
Far From the Place We Called Home, by Sarah Schleimer
The Imposter, by Avner Gold
As Long As I Live, by Aharon Margalit
One Shot, by M. Wiseman
I Have an Amazing Story for You, by Rabbi Nachman Seltzer
Touched by a Story, by Rabbi Yechiel Spero
People Speak series, by Rabbi Chaim Walder

Secular books:

Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen
Smugglers Island, by Avi
Old Yeller, by Fred Gipson
Tuck Everlasting, by Natalie Babbitt
[Boxcar Children Series for preteen age]

#12

Jewish Books

One Step Ahead by M.C. Millman (more girl oriented)
The Chip by Yechezkel Yudkowsky
That’s me Tzviki Green by Chaim Walder
Zero Hour by Rachel Schorr
Hidden by Rochel Istrin

all books by:

Mordechai Schmutter (Humor)
Avner Gold (Historical fiction)
Eva Vogiel (girl oriented)

On a higher level:

Books by Chaim Eliav
Books by Yair Weinstock
Books by Chaim Greenbaum
Books by Yonah Sapir

Non Fiction but easy enjoyable reading:

Incredible (1&2) by Nachman Seltzer
All For the Boss (there is a regular version and a Young Readers version)

 

 

Helping Grandparents & Grandchildren Bond

 

Children gain immensely from having close relationships with grandparents.  A study conducted by the University of Oxford (https://www.ox.ac.uk/research/research-impact/grandparents-contribute-childrens-wellbeing) found that growing up with grandparents helps children cope better with adverse childhood experiences and trauma.  Unfortunately, the Covid-19 pandemic has made it much more difficult for grandparents and grandchildren to get together.

This article provides tips and ideas to help grandparents and grandchildren develop solid relationships, with a focus on remote bonding. These tips may also be useful to promote bonding with uncles/aunts, mentors, and absent (e.g. divorced) parents or distanced relatives.  To avoid confusion, we consistently refer to the oldest generation, which may include great-grandparents, as grandparents, the middle generation as parents, and the youngest generation as children.

Ideas for Parents

Model the Relationship

Grandchildren see that their parents value the grandparents when they frequently communicate with phone calls, video conferences, email, and text.  Parents may also share stories about the grandparents, explain their accomplishments, and show pictures.

Children take their cues from their parents.  Therefore, it is important to speak of the grandparents with respect and sensitivity.  Try to use the grandparents’ experiences when teaching values or life skills.

Show that visiting the grandparents is a priority and try to build up a sense of excitement and anticipation before arrival.  Parents may need to help grandparents prepare for the visit by planning ahead and making sure that there is age and hashkafically compatible toys and activities.

Prep the Grandchildren

Parents can start building a connection when the children are toddlers by showing them photos of the grandparents and telling them who is who.   Photos may be laminated and put on a chain for the children to play with.  It is also helpful for parents to mention grandparents regularly, e.g. we are making Bubby’s kugel recipe or Sabba taught me to do it this way.

Prep the Grandparents

It is easier for grandparents to “make conversation” with younger grandchildren if they are told (or texted) in advance about what is going on in the children’s lives.

Parents may also try to help grandparents think of special memories and family history to share with older grandchildren.  A brainstorming session might help to come up with a list of ideas to recollect dormant stories begging to be told.

Encourage Children to Reach Out

Parents may encourage their children to view grandparents as resources.  Grandchildren can tap grandparents for help with homework, puzzle solving, general knowledge, and so on.  Cooking is a great way to bond remotely as grandparents can send recipes and guide grandchildren through culinary ventures.

Create & Send Videos

This is a fun activity in itself, providing a creative outlet for children.  Daily activities, lively games, or skits may be recorded, uploaded, and sent to the grandparents.

Create a Family Newsletter or Book

Teenage grandchildren and cousins can coordinate this activity, especially during school breaks.  The coordinator can obtain material from each grandchild: a picture, a comment, or a paragraph, updating the grandparents and creating a family snapshot that will be treasured years later.

The book or newsletter may be sent to the grandparent to read to the grandchildren over the phone or video-conference.  Many (not all) children love to hear their own words read aloud.

Arrange Individual Visits

Where feasible, try to send one or two grandchildren for a day or a Shabbos with the grandparents rather than having the whole family go at once.  It is also nice to coordinate joint visits with a cousin close in age; aside from cultivating bonding, this may make it easier for the grandparent to entertain the child.  Before arranging such visits, parents need to assess whether the grandparents are physically and mentally up to hosting, feeding and entertaining children, especially, picky eaters or those who are easily bored.

 

Ideas for Grandparents

It is advisable to keep parents in the loop before trying these ideas.  This is especially important before sending books and activities to the grandchildren.  Grandparents also need to keep in mind the importance of treating grandchildren equally; consulting parents regularly may help grandparents avoid a perception of favoritism among their children.

Grandparents may want to keep in mind that it is not always within their power to build a relationship with the grandchildren.  There are many variables that can affect each situation. Some efforts do not succeed.  This does not make the grandparents into failures.

Using the Phone

Get a conference call number (they are available free on websites) to allow for reading to or schmoozing with grandchildren from multiple families.  One grandmother purchased copies of a book for each of her children, so that she could read it over the phone to all the cousins at once.

Simple word games can be played over the phone such as finding words that rhyme, or looking for synonyms, homonyms, etc.  These sorts of games promote literacy and increase vocabulary.

Family conference calls may also be used for sharing knowledge about family history.  Grandchildren may take turns asking questions to be answered on the next call.

My neighbor had a lovely idea that enabled her mother to connect with the great grandchildren.  Every Chanukah she would purchase the same children’s story book as a gift for each of her married children. Once a week, the young couples would call their grandmother, who would then read a follow-along bedtime story to her great grandchildren over the phone. This became so popular that neighborhood children, including my daughter, would go to my neighbor’s house to listen to the story.

Use the Post Office

Receiving an envelope addressed to them personally gives most children a thrill.  Along with a few lines, grandparents may include stickers or an interesting page such as a cartoon, a puzzle from an activity book (e.g. a maze or hidden pictures) or some jokes.  Aside from promoting bonding, this also provides conversation material for subsequent phone calls as grandparents follow up on the grandchildren’s reactions or as children call to thank the grandparent for the gift.

Video Conferencing Works

Zoom, Google Duo, Hangouts: these all allow grandparent and grandchild to see each other, while the grandparent reads to grandchild or grandchild shows his/her latest art project.  Even toddlers like to smile and wave at the picture in the screen.  Parents can hold up the phone while the grandparent and grandchild enjoy each other’s company.

If the children and grandparent use Zoom, hoopladigital.com allows a user to register their library card and download an electronic book that all zoom participants may look at together.

Video conferencing can also be used to play games remotely with older grandchildren.  One way to help the generations get to know each other better is to play games like The UnGame, a non-competitive game designed to help people connect by presenting a variety of off-beat questions (a card game variant is available for $10).

Build on Your Strengths

Share hobbies and passions with grandchildren: animals, baking, board games, puzzles, mystery book, and creative arts.  A challah baker, for example, might explore new recipes with a grandchild and try out different braiding and shaping techniques.  Where these activities cannot be done together, grandparent and grandchild can experiment separately and compare notes over the phone.

Musically inclined grandparents may find grandchildren who are interested in learning new songs or in swapping music videos.

Gardeners may send seeds and instructions for how to germinate and plant them.  This may “seed” conversation between the generations for weeks.

Send Used Books

There are websites which specialize in used books; https://www.betterworldbooks.com/ does not charge shipping and often runs promotions.  They stock Jewish books, too; one needs to know title or author to find them.  This allows grandparents to purchase a gift for their grandchildren for a small amount—under five dollars.  Shipment to foreign countries is very reasonable.

Parents should be asked in advance for guidelines for choosing books; a good idea might be to provide a wish list of authors and series.  When in doubt, the book can be addressed to the parent; just tell parents in advance that they should feel free to discard or donate books that they prefer not to have their children read.

Exchange Photos

Whether physical or over the computer, this is a nice way to share one’s interests and activities across the generations.

Write Memoirs, Collect Memorabilia

This is useful for older grandchildren, to help them see their grandparents in a fuller context and to feel connected to their family’s roots.

Give them Your Time

Grandchildren are most amenable to forming new relationships when they are young.  The more quality time that grandparents spend with them, the more they will see them as important in their lives as they get older.

Grandparents can interest themselves in the minutiae of grandchildren’s lives, praising accomplishments, giving them morale support during difficulties, and generally boosting their egos.  Grandchildren feel important when grandparents join them at milestone celebrations such as graduations and birthdays and at performances.  When grandparents cannot attend in person, grandchildren may appreciate it if they acknowledge the event by calling or video conferencing where feasible.

When They Visit…

Try to make your home a happy place, with the grandchildren’s favorite treats and appropriate toys and books.  Try to put away fragile or valuable possessions and to minimize opportunities for friction.  If you don’t have the right toys or foods for the grandchildren, ask the parents to supply them.  Good behavior may be reinforced through praise or little prizes, while negative behaviors, on short visits, ideally are ignored, since parenting and discipline should be done by the parents.  Note that discipline issues need to be discussed ahead when grandchildren spend significant time alone with grandparents.

I once sent one of my grandchildren upstairs to a bedroom to calm down… he totally refused and stayed on the stairs. I ignored it. Later, I found out that he is scared to be alone in a bedroom and is usually sent to the stairs to calm down.

It is wonderful when grandparents can clear their calendar ahead of a visit, especially from grandchildren who live far away, so that everyone can spend the maximum time with each other.  Preparing food ahead (or buying), using disposables, and ignoring the inevitable messes make the visit as pleasant as possible.

 

Keeping the Relationship Smooth

Everyone benefits when the generations get along.  This usually requires all parties to do their best to be as understanding, empathetic, and forgiving as humanly possible.

Counselors, mentors, or the family Rav may be tapped to advise when parents or grandparents feel at loss on how to handle a challenging situation.

Some areas prone to raise tensions:

Cultural Differences

Grandchildren might live in a highly dissimilar environment than their parents grew up in due to differences in religious practice, living in different countries, or different economic situations.  This may lead to misunderstandings between the generations.  Wherever practical, parents should try to foresee potential pitfalls and prepare grandparents and grandchildren in advance.  It may be necessary to consult a mentor or halachic authority when religious or hashakfic standards differ. When the parents and grandparents have solid relationships, differences will be bridged and awkward situations can turn into comic stories later.

Boundary Issues

Once they get married, children begin to separate from their parents, creating their own identity.  Values, hashkafa, and parenting style may be different from that of their grandparents.  Therefore, grandparents need to avoid trespassing on the parent’s prerogative of choosing how to raise their children.

Parents sometimes seem to expect grandparents to be available at all times.  Not every grandparent wants to be on call 24/7 and parents should ascertain the grandparent’s wishes in advance.

Avoid comparing parents to siblings and grandchildren to their cousins; avoid comparisons between the two sets of grandparents.

Grandparents and parents, especially the daughter-in-law or son-in-law, may have different standards of privacy and resent sharing information.

Boundary issues may be managed gracefully if each party tries to be sensitive to nuances in the other’s behavior or demeanor.  It is helpful to try to put oneself in the other party’s place to envision how they might feel about the relationship.  Keeping in mind that people change as they age.

Disappointed Expectations

Grandparents or parents may have idealized expectations of how relationships with the grandchildren would develop.  Not every grandparent is suited for playing with little children; some children are not good at relating to adults.

Younger siblings in a family may remember their parents as active, involved grandparents.  Ten or fifteen years later, these grandparents might not have the same energy or enthusiasm.  Older grandparents may wish that their children and grandchildren would have more time for them.

Parents or grandparents may try gently to explain their feelings; sometimes, problems are created unintentionally through miscommunication.  However, verbalizing points of contention and communicating expectations can easily create rifts.  Many times, the best strategy is to accept and make peace with these realities.

Favoritism to Siblings

Grandparents usually cannot treat each of their children and their families identically since circumstances vary.  Interactions with children who live further must differ from those who live nearby.  The relationship dynamic with daughters-in-law and sons-in-law is very different, too.  Moreover, grandparents may need to “favor” one set of parents over another for reasons that they cannot share with the siblings: e.g. confidential medical conditions.

Where feasible, it is helpful for grandparents to explain to other siblings the circumstances behind their decisions to “favor” one of the parents. If they cannot disclose the reason, they should acknowledge that there is a reason for their behavior to make it easier for all parties to give the benefit of the doubt.

Complicated Grandparent/Parent Relationship

Tension between the generations is not uncommon, especially when the parent had a challenging childhood.  It is best for all sides if the parent can let go and allow the grandparents to have a healthy relationship with their grandchildren.  This is more complicated if the parents were, or felt they were, abused by the grandparents and they may need to consult a mentor or professional.  Grandchildren should not be left alone with a grandparent if there is any possibility of abuse.

Parents might find it is helpful to keep in mind that many grandparents are better grandparents than they were parents.

Where There are Challenges…

Divorced Parents/Widows & Widowers

When custody is divided, each parent should be able to include their own parents in their children’s lives.  In practice, relationships between ex-in-law’s vary.  While some divorced parents try to remove their ex-in-laws from their children’s lives and milestones, others go out of their way to maintain their children’s connection with their “other” grandparents.  Children benefit when they are able to continue their pre-divorce relationships.

Grandparents may find themselves more involved with their grandchildren after parents divorce since their son/daughter may need their help to make up for the absent spouse.  If this places the grandparents closer to a parenting position, they may need to discuss discipline and other parenting issues with the parent.

Some of these issues apply also to single parent families where a spouse died.  It is usually beneficial for all when the remaining parent helps the grandparents from the other side stay involved and connected with the children of their deceased child.

Blended Families

When parents divorce or when a widow/widower remarries someone with children, grandparents may find themselves part of a blended family.  It is difficult to bring together two sets of children and form a healthy, contented new family unit.

Grandparents can play a positive role by befriending the step-grandchildren.  It is highly recommended that grandparents treat all grandchildren, including the “new” ones, equally by giving the same types of presents to each.  This may entail spending less per child, but the alternative is jealousy and hurt feelings that may never go way.  Another option may be for grandparents to quietly give money directly to their biological grandchildren’s bank accounts; however, financial information of this sort always comes out at some point.

Re-married parents may also encourage their children to befriend the parents of their step-father/mother, and make them feel part of the family. Both generations have much to gain in forming new relationships.

Single Grandparents

This category includes widows, widowers, and divorcees, all of whom may be living alone and longing for time with the parents and grandchildren.  Unfortunately, Covid-19 has drastically increased this category.

A grandparent who singlehandedly raised the parent may feel that s/he has priority over the other grandparents on enjoying nachas from the grandchildren.  When the parent validates the grandparent’s claims and makes genuine efforts to include the grandparent, it becomes much easier to maintain harmony and reduce resentment.

It is very difficult to maintain a balance between divorced grandparents, giving each one his/her due, especially where there is ill-feeling between them.  Parents are likely to need a mentor to guide them through complex situations.

Needy Grandparents

Children vary in how they are able to relate to fragile or sick grandparents.  Where possible, it is beneficial on both sides to encourage interaction, and this can be very meaningful for the grandchildren.  However, pushing a child too much can backfire.

Grandchildren are less likely to resent the time their parents spend taking care of a grandparent if the parents are meticulous in speaking about and treating the grandparent with the utmost respect.  This may instill a sense of pride in the grandchildren, that they are part of a family with a strong sense of loyalty and duty.

A parent submitted the following:

Something my mother instituted when I was going every 3rd night to be with her for weeks on end: she gave me her credit card number and insisted that she treats my kids to a supper of their choice every time I had a shift. This continued even when she was in a coma. My kids looked forward to these pizza/sushi/takeout suppers even though they knew it meant that I would be gone for the night. Besides the compensation aspect of the suppers it also created a very positive memory for my kids of a very difficult time period.

Not everyone can afford this kind of expenditure, but even a small treat may suffice and create good will.

Missing Grandparents

Grandchildren are likely to feel a sense of missing something in their identity when there is a grandparent who died before they met.  Parents can fill this gap by speaking about the grandparent, bringing him/her alive through stories, pictures, and memorabilia.  This may entail seeking out relatives or friends of the deceased to interview before it’s too late.

Parents may do their children a favor by “adopting” grandparents.  Chessed organizations often try to facilitate such relationships, since they are so beneficial to the older generation.  There may also be warm, outgoing couples in the parents’ social circle who may be delighted to bond with other people’s children, especially when their own grandchildren live in other communities.

Conclusion

Grandparents are in a position to greatly enrich the lives of their grandchildren.  Where parents facilitate bonding, they provide their children with the warmth of the elder’s love and the strength that comes from feeling rooted.

Parents and grandparents may need to keep in mind that however they try to maintain and/or build these relationships, outcomes are not necessarily going to be as positive as they hoped.  It is best to make the most of what one can achieve, without being overly invested in success.

Raising Respectful Children

 

One of the great gifts that parents can give their children is the ability to relate to others with genuine respect.  This is a significant challenge in a world where rebelliousness and extreme individualism are encouraged.  This article, geared to parents of young children, provides tips and strategies to set a healthy foundation for inculcating appropriate attitudes.

Why Respect is Important

The Need for Authority

Most children crave structure for a variety of reasons.  Deep down, they know that they are not competent to run their lives on their own.  In order to feel safe, they need to feel that adults are in charge.  This is why many children tend to keep pushing boundaries until they experience “push back” from authority.

Chutzpah as a Handicap

Lack of respect for others leads to problems for the child now and later as an adult.

Transmitting the Mesora:  Our values and tradition are based on the parent/child and teacher/student relationship.  An essential component of these relationships is the respect, admiration, and awe that the child or student has for the parent or a teacher.

Promoting Arrogance: People who are accustomed to saying what they want without regard to other’s feelings or station in life are seen as arrogant and unpleasant.  Disrespectful children are more likely to grow into adults who make difficult spouses and coworkers.  Moreover, arrogant people are less likely to benefit from life experiences because they react more often with anger rather than letting the lesson sink in.

While chutzpa is a problem in itself, it is often a symptom of underlying issues that are more urgent and need to be dealt with first.  Once those are resolved, if the disrespectful behavior persists, parents may be able to work with the child to improve this too.

Causes of Disrespectful Behavior

The educators, therapists and parents interviewed concurred that there is always an underlying reason for a child’s disrespectful behavior although it may be difficult to identify.  A common theme is that of a child having an unmet need and not being able to rectify the situation appropriately, either because of immaturity or because speaking respectfully hasn’t brought results.

Environmental

  • Young children get physically and emotionally depleted easily. After spending a day in preschool, a child may be unable to maintain appropriate conduct.  Similarly, children are liable to meltdowns when tired or hungry.
  • The child may be copying children who are disrespectful. Some children are prone to imitating the least respectful behavior they observe, including lapses in parental interactions with each other or with authority figures.
  • The disrespectful behavior may be caused by the child suffering from bullying at school, or from physical, emotional or other abuse at home or elsewhere.

Parenting

  • Blurred boundaries between parent and child, where the parent switches from friend to authority figure without warning make it difficult for the child to snap back into subordinate mode.
  • Parents persistently under-reacting (ignoring) or over-reacting (getting upset) to chutzpa leads to more of it.
  • Disappointment with the parents, perhaps because of their breaking promises or commitments, may cause disrespectful behavior. Parents are not always aware of how a child may decide that a tentative plan or a rule was a serious commitment.

Within the Child

  • Poor impulse control, innate aggressiveness, anger management challenges or emotional weaknesses may lead to defiance.
  • The child may not be fully aware of the differences in how one speaks to a parent, teacher, or peer. Parents and educators should take the child’s social maturity and level of social skills into account before determining that a behavior was chutzpadik.
  • The child might not know how to express deep emotions or frustration properly.

Lacking the social skills to apologize or to compromise, a child might resort to defiance from not knowing what to do next when there’s a social crisis.

  • Children who feel neglected, unloved, or treated unfairly are more likely to become defiant. This may occur when there is family member who needs extra care.

Creating a Healthy Framework

Modeling Appropriate Behavior

The most effective technique for teaching children respect is to model it in all interactions without exception: within the family (spouses, small children) and outside the family (neighbors, janitors, mailmen, etc.).

The Parent/Child Relationship

Children are wired to naturally look up to their parents.  In order to maintain this attitude, it is advisable for parents to develop a relationship with their children based on a sense of dignity and authority while simultaneously cultivating a warm relationship so that the child feels that his/her parents love and accept him/her.

Parents should avoid trying to be their child’s peer or friend, because this confuses the child into treating parents like peers.  Instead, parents should see their role as nurturing their child by providing for his/her physical and emotional needs and by imposing a framework that will allow him to develop self-discipline and life skills.  This does not mean that parents should place themselves on a pedestal since this often leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment on the child’s part.  The parents should try to be mentors and role models who are sincerely and deeply interested in the child’s welfare.

This relationship precludes the parent getting drawn into emotional conflicts with the child.  If they play competitive games, the parent should not be out to win but to help the child enjoy him/herself or to improve skills.  Should the child misbehave, the parent intervenes in order to help the child acquire better strategies, not in order to satisfy feelings of anger or disappointment.

Parents make it easier for their children to look up to them by conducting themselves with dignity in the home.  This includes maintaining a standard of dress appropriate for adults.  It may also be helpful to teach the children some of the halachos of honoring their parents: not sitting in their seats, standing up when they enter the room, etc.  However, these practices are best taught and enforced on behalf of others, such as the other spouse or the grandparents.

Boundaries for Children

While parenting involves setting boundaries to keep their children from seeing them as peers, parents themselves need to respect their children’s boundaries.   Parents do not own their children and are obligated to treat them with appropriate respect.  This precludes humiliating, screaming, and other demeaning behavior towards the children.

As little children grow into teenagers, the rules of parental engagement change, with parents being more like guides than directors.

Note: Establishing personal boundaries for children helps protect them against predators. This includes privacy in the bathroom and when dressing.  Allocating personal spaces for children: their own dresser, shelf, etc. also helps them learn that “their bodies belong to them”.

Using Words to Set Attitudes

Children can begin learning respect and gratitude when parents teach them, from the beginning, to say please and thank-you.  The later these terms are introduced, the harder it is to “re-program” the children.  These lessons are better absorbed when parents consistently use these terms also.  As the children grow, they may be taught to say “Excuse me” to request as opposed to demand attention.

Another method for inculcating respect is to train children while they are still young to refer to adults as Mr., Mrs., or Miss.  Where adults may be uncomfortable with such formality, a compromise is to use Uncle/Aunt for close family friends and Cousin as a prefix for relatives.

Setting Family Rules

There is less scope for conflict and defiance if expectations are laid out in advance.  It is worthwhile for parents to take time to think about what is important to them and is worth investing time and emotional energy in enforcing consistently.  Having the toys picked up?  Children in bed on time?   Table cleared and dishes washed immediately after supper?  There have to be priorities.  This is an individual matter to be decided per family.  Rules may be compiled to express the family’s preference.  These rules become red-lines to be enforced.  The fewer the rules, the less scope for disrespect.  Moreover, it is easier to be consistent when enforcing fewer rules.

Implementing a Discipline System

Parenting programs such as Love and Logic (Mrs. Becky Udman teaches a frum version https://www.beckyudmanparenting.com/ ) and 1 2 3 Magic are designed to give parents a system for improving parent/child relationships and instilling obedience and cooperation.  The advantage of such systems is that they decrease the scope for making ad hoc disciplinary decisions which may be swayed by parental emotions.

While these programs have been helpful for many families, educators sometimes find them more harmful than helpful.  Moreover, what works with one child might not be effective with another.  It is a good idea to consult a Rav or Mechanech(es) who knows the children before embarking on one.

The Limits of Respect

While parents are teaching children to treat others with respect, unfortunately, they need to explain to children that if someone (grandparent, sibling, babysitter, neighbor, tutor, etc.) makes them feel uncomfortable, they should try to leave and must quickly inform their parents or another trusted adult.  The principle of automatic respect for elders has been used to cover abuse and children need to be taught “run, yell and tell!”.

The Center for Jewish Family Life/Project YES (845 426-2243) is a resource to learn more about protecting children. Project YES has been at the forefront of efforts to keep children safe from abuse for the past fifteen years. Together with Artscroll/Mesorah, they co-published the landmark child safety book “Let’s Stay Safe,” available in all Judaica stores that carry Artscroll books.

 

Heading off Inappropriate Behavior

Keeping expectations realistic may be a good starting point for managing children’s behavior.  Parents may want to consult Rebbeim, Morahs, and/or a few friends with slightly older children to learn behavioral norms for the children’s age range.  Parents might find The Yardsticks series by Chip Wood helpful as it clearly lays out children’s developmental stages.

Planning Outings

Outings should be planned as much as possible around the children’s needs, schedules, and temperament.  Admittedly, this is less feasible where there are children of different ages and interests.  However, parents may pack food and drinks and include resting time in the itinerary to avoid overwhelming the children.  Children should also be prepared in advance to know what to expect and they should be coached about how to behave.

Picking up Signals

Behavior is communication.  If a preschooler refuses to cooperate to go out in the afternoon, this may mean that s/he’s “had it” for the day.  Consider dropping or rescheduling optional outings or activities.

Preparing for Angry Outbursts

If a child is prone to intense fits of temper (meltdowns), it may help to plan ahead with the child for the next outburst.  Parent and child may prepare a box with calming activities: toys, music, books, solitary games, gum, etc.  Depending on the child’s needs, it may be good to include toys or gadgets that help with sensory integration issues.  A parent can work with the child in advance, perhaps through role playing, to demonstrate how, when the child begins to feel that s/he is losing control, to self-soothe with the contents of the box.  An important advantage of this approach is that this starts the child on the path toward greater self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Children’s books are available that deal with anger; parents may find it useful to read these with children who suffer from anger problems.

Note: It is also important to investigate potential causes. For example, some children struggle with sensory integration and are easily overwhelmed

Educational Resources

Pediatricians or school staff who know the child may be able to recommend books or CDs with proven approaches to handling children with specific issues. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk  (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish) is recommended for using empathy to improve relationships within the family.

Dealing with Chutzpa

The universal rule for dealing with defiance is to maintain composure.  The child has “won” if s/he succeeds in pushing a parent into an emotional outburst.  Parental responses need to be low-key in order to de-escalate the situation.  Where possible, having the other parent deal with the child may defuse a nasty situation.  In general, the worst time to teach children about respect is when parent and child are overwrought.

Parents who find it difficult to regulate their reactions to defiance may find it useful to seek outside guidance.

Very Young Children

When children start to speak, they may begin speaking inappropriately to their parents out of ignorance or from a desire to experiment.  This is the time for parents to explain that “This is not how we speak to Mommy.”

Young children may disobey explicit rules in order get attention or out of curiosity—what will happen if I break the rule?  They are trying to understand how their world functions, what is expected of them, and what happens next.  This is why they are prone to test limits until someone pushes back.

Distraction is often recommended when little children start acting out.  Removing the object, or the child, is feasible at this age.  There is usually an underlying need when the child misbehaves, e.g. a need for exercise.  Finding an alternative activity that meets this need will effectively solve the problem.

As much as possible, parents should try to explain to the child what s/he is feeling and why s/he is misbehaving, whether or not they are able to alleviate the problem.  This in itself may calm the child, since it is scary to have strong feelings that one cannot understand.

Temper Tantrums

A tantrum, as opposed to a genuine loss of control, is a manufactured, manipulative action to take control.  If the tantrum cannot be ignored, an effective reaction is to repeat, very calmly, something along the lines of “We’re don’t do this. Stop it.” over and over again.

If the child totally loses control (a child can work him/herself into a frenzy), the focus should be on keeping the child and the environment safe until the fit subsides.

Avoiding Impulsive Parenting

The first time an unexpected inappropriate behavior occurs, parents may be best off overlooking it and seeing if it happens again.  One’s initial reactions may not be correct and it is better to give oneself time to think it over and to get advice.  Consider if the child truly meant to be obnoxious, or whether s/he simply made an error.  Much depends on the child’s developmental level.  It is generally better to give a child the benefit of the doubt than to label him/her as defiant.

A compromise may be to gently tell the child that this was not the right way to act/speak without labeling him/her as chutzpadik. Later, when the situation is calmer, parents may privately discuss with the child the difference between respectful and disrespectful speech and behavior.

Teaching Respect

Telling people to respect you tends not to work.  Modeling respectful behavior is far more effective in the long run.  In addition, a parent may tell a child to treat the other parent or other adults, especially grandparents more respectfully.

The best time to deal with a child who tends to be verbally aggressive is when parent and child are both calm.  Mother might say, “Let’s practice how we talk to Mommy when we’re angry.”  If it’s a recurrent problem, parents may model an incident, showing the appropriate way to express oneself.  The key is to help the child expand his/her range of possible responses to frustrating or difficult situations.

If a child is casually nasty, parents may tell him/her to apologize and then seek the cause for this behavior.  Should aggressive behavior continue, teaching the child the concept of restitution may be effective. For instance, if the speech hurt a sister’s feelings, a mere apology is not enough. The child must give the sister a good feeling, i.e. a card made especially for the sister or sharing of a toy. This helps the child attune properly into feelings of another person.

Tips for Correcting the Child

  • Make it clear that this for the child’s benefit. It should never be about the parent’s feelings or the parent’s need for respect.
  • Avoid aggressive body language such as towering over the child or speaking in the child’s face. Communication is more effective when the parent speaks with palms out, not down at their side. For younger children, the parent may find it helpful to bend down to the child’s level.
  • Avoid responses that silence the child. The child is trying to communicate a message that the parents need to know and the child needs to feel that the parent wants to understand his/her message.  Some examples: “I very much want to hear what you’re saying; please tell me when you’re ready.”  “I understand that you are really upset that …. I’m sorry I cannot do what you wanted”.  It may be necessary to repeat these lines, calmly, until the child is ready to speak appropriately.

Conclusion

When teaching a child how to ride a bike, the child needs an understanding of the mechanics of the bike. How does it work? How does it get fixed? The history and the philosophy behind the bike may also be important. But, more than just the facts are needed. The parent needs to model the behavior. The parent must show the child how to ride the bike. This concept is the same with behavior.

 

Mesivta Placement for the Less-Typical Boy

 

It is relatively easy to find the right Yeshiva for children who fit neatly into established categories.  However, there are many children who do not fit established educational categories, whether because of strengths and weaknesses or because of life circumstances.

While this article is written for parents of boys looking for the right Yeshiva high school (Mesivta) for their son, much of this material is relevant for parents of girls or of children who may benefit from switching schools. This article was written with extensive input from Rabbi Shmuel Gluck of Areivim, in Monsey, NY.  Rabbi Gluck has decades of experience helping families, including Passaic and Clifton, find the right Yeshivas for their children.

About Yeshivas

Yeshivas vary in size, level of learning, hashkafa, chinuch approach, and teaching style.  Boys also vary in their strengths, weaknesses, and needs.  Therefore, parents have to keep in mind that the Yeshiva that fits one child may be a bad choice for another. Moreover, most Yeshivas are geared for specific types of children.  If the child’s mix of strengths or weaknesses is not standard, for example, a child high on motivation and low on academic ability, there may not be a perfect placement.

Mainstream Yeshivas: “Aleph” & “Bais”

Boys who are good at learning gemara generally apply to the top tier Yeshivas: the “Aleph Mesivtas”.  Aside from being the most prestigious Yeshivas, the boys who attend them are often top boys in motivation and attitude.

Bais Mesivtas are meant for “good” boys (i.e. motivated) who do not learn gemara at the Aleph level.  Many out of town Yeshivas learn at a lower level, since they are designed to serve their local community where the elementary schools are less competitive than those in the tri-state area.

In-town (tri-state area) Bais Yeshivas are more accustomed to boys who grew up in the competitive in-town environment and have been unable to meet the advanced academic standard.  Some of these boys need emotional support and these Yeshivas may be more experienced than the out-of-town versions in meeting their needs.

Mainstream Yeshivas are the “regular” Yeshivas, whether aleph or bais level.  They bring together like-minded, motivated boys and have an effective system in place, where commitment and peer pressure help students meet expectations.

Most mainstream Yeshivas are not equipped for the boy who does not naturally conform to the Yeshiva’s hashkafa and practices.  While their Rebbeim build relationships with their students, those relationships are usually more about growth, than remedial support.  However, there are some mainstream bais (and a few aleph) Yeshivas which are more attuned to a holistic approach, preemptively helping children solve problems and intervening more as partners than as disciplinarians when things go wrong.  These are “supportive” or “mentor-based” Yeshivas.

Specialized Yeshivas

These are the Yeshivas with the high staff/student ratio, the experience, and the commitment to help children with challenges.  In order to provide each child with an individualized curriculum, they tend to be less structured and more creative with what they teach and how they teach it.  They are also more creative with handling behavior problems, seeing these more as opportunities to foster growth than as disciplinary issues.

Since these Yeshivas are designed to help children grow, their student body tends to include children who have individual challenges.  Therefore, parents may be concerned that a stigma may attach to boys who learn there even if they go on later to mainstream Bais Medrash post-high school.  These Yeshivas also have a much higher tuition due to their higher staff to student ratio..

Who Best Knows Your Child?

The Yeshiva placement process usually begins with the parents consulting their child’s Rebbe, principal or other Yeshiva staff who had a good relationship with their son, to find out which Yeshivas they recommend.

Especially when the child is not typical, it is possible that the parents and Yeshiva will have diverging views about the child and about which Yeshivas are most appropriate.  In this situation, parents are best advised to take the Yeshiva’s viewpoint seriously, even if they disagree with their placement recommendations.  Parents must keep in mind that the Yeshiva staff:

  • Sees the child in the context of school. The academic performance and behavior displayed in this Yeshiva is likely to be replicated in the next one.
  • Is vastly more experienced with children and the Mesivta acceptance process
  • Is likely to be more objective than the parents.

Moreover, the child might not be communicating his real feelings to his parents, whether this is to spare their feelings or because of complications in their relationship.  Parents may also keep in mind that Yeshiva staff might be understating problems in order to be diplomatic.  For example, they may say, “We’re concerned that…”, rather than stating “We know that…” in the area of academics or behavior.

Getting Help with Yeshiva Placement

Yeshiva placement services are a valuable resource when parents need more options for their child, where parents question the Yeshiva’s advice, or where the child is very atypical.  Yeshiva placement is usually offered as a free service, often as part of an organization to help children.  Some of the advantages of using their services:

  • They are aware of many more Yeshivas. Most elementary school principals have only a limited number of “go-to” Mesivtas that they know well and are accustomed to working with.  Placement professionals are trusted by the Yeshivas they work with and are more likely to be heard.
  • They have vastly more experience with complicated placements and have a sense of what is most likely to work for the less typical children. A professional may find creative placements for challenging situations.
  • Placement experts are more likely to be up-to-date with what actually goes on at a Yeshiva rather than relying on reputation.
  • The placement service can help the parents and the child with the target Yeshiva, using their influence to have the child accepted and keeping in touch with the Yeshiva and the child to sort out problems that may arise.
  • Children may be more willing to be frank to the placement professional. Rabbi Gluck of Areivim has found that parents tell him that they are looking for a Yeshiva with certain characteristics only to hear from the child that he wants the opposite.  For example, the parents are seeking a “Yeshivish” hashkafa where the child may have already rejected this.
  • The professional may be more attuned to where the child “is really holding”. Rabbi Gluck observes that children’s behavior lags their internal attitude by six months, whether the child is growing or deteriorating.  This means that a child who presently conforms outwardly to the norms of his school may be on a hidden trajectory to different behavior.  For such a child, placement in a mainstream Yeshiva increases the risk of damage.

Yeshiva Placement Services

The placement expert should meet the child in person in order to get a direct sense of the child’s needs. It is best to go to someone who has experience helping children from the child’s community so that he will understand the child’s background and the nuances of his school experience.  There is usually no charge for the placement service, although parents who can afford it should try to donate to whatever organization the professional works with.

A few recommended experts:

  • Rabbi Shmuel Gluck of Areivim, Monsey, shmuelgluck@areivim.com (914) 490 8129
  • Shuli Halpert, Brooklyn, Johalpert@optonline.net, (917) 692 2702
  • Rabbi Binyomin Strauss, Lakewood, (732) 370-2874

Erring on the “Safe” Side

Parents understandably prefer to send their child to the most mainstream Yeshiva that will accept him.  Aside from avoiding stigma and a higher tuition, it feels safer to place one’s child with more mainstream children at a more supportive institution.  However, the “conservative” option may be the one that is the least safe.

The child may be more likely to stick with the more supportive Yeshiva.  A child who is unhappy at school is more likely to leave or be expelled.  Once a child is sent away by a Yeshiva, it becomes much more difficult to place him in another one.  The only institution that may accept him after he is expelled may be even more stigmatizing than the one that the parents had originally rejected.  Additionally, there may be an option to “trade up” to more mainstream Yeshivas if the boy is successful at his first placement.

Many supportive Yeshivas are experienced with keeping students at different motivation levels from influencing each other.  On the other hand, boys who are unhappy at a more mainstream Yeshiva are likely to find each other and share negative attitudes and inappropriate pursuits.

Specialized Yeshivas are more likely to provide their students with the help they need to grow.  Problems that are ignored may well expand and impede the child’s future development including the ability to get married, stay married, or hold down a job.

What about the Academics?

Parents may be concerned that the Yeshiva recommended for their son teaches at a low level in kodesh and/or general studies.  However, the first task for a complicated child may be to recover from the previous school experience.  The child may need considerable time to build self-esteem and acquire essential life skills.  Once this is accomplished, the child may catch up with the academics.

Parents may need to keep in mind that sending a child to a school with a high level of learning or a quality general studies program does not mean that the child will apply himself and reap the benefits of these opportunities.

Any Yeshiva is Usually Better than No Yeshiva

A boy who is in Yeshiva is part of an institution and a set of rules.  Even if the rules are minimal and the child is not learning, he is still part of a system and feels a sense of belonging and accountability.  Unfortunately, when the child cannot or will not attend any school, the child may decide that he can do whatever he wants.  Homeschooling rarely works in the unstructured home environment.

Therefore, as long as being in Yeshiva is not damaging the child, it is better that he try or remain in a non-ideal placement than in no placement.

Placement Pointers for Non-Typical Boys

Motivated but Academically Weak

There are a variety of reasons for a child lagging academically, including learning disabilities, lower intellectual potential or emotional turmoil due to family problems.

Whatever the cause, parents need to keep in mind the possibility that the child may have suffered emotionally from years of failure in school, even if he seems fine.  While the obvious placement for an ehrliche (upright, committed) academically weak boy is a bais Yeshiva, the boy may need additional support in order to acquire good study habits and possibly to help him overcome emotional scarring.

Where the child’s underperformance seems to be due to a home situation, sending the child to a Bais Mesivta far from home can work well.  When travelling home requires a plane ticket, the child spends less time at home and may find it easier to focus on the learning. However, the parents should make sure that there is at least one warm, caring person at the Mesivta who can serve as a “goto” resource to provide the child with emotional support.

It is tempting to try to push an ehrliche but academically weak boy into an aleph Yeshiva so that he can be with the best boys.  This is often a mistaken strategy, setting up the boy for failure and the possibility of resorting to counter-productive behavior, unless the mesivta is experienced in finding ways for such boys to shine.

Socially Weak

Children who tend to get bullied or ostracized need a Mesivta placement that will also give them access to help acquiring social skills.  This may mean looking for an effective therapist along with finding the right Mesivta.

Some children seem socially weak because they lack friends, but otherwise they function well.  They might be introverted and simply not interested in having a social life.  These children may be happiest in a large Mesivta where they can be lost in the crowd and face less pressure to fit into the social scene.

On the other hand, while placement in a large Yeshiva is more comfortable, this may postpone the process of helping the child acquire valuable social skills.  Small classes in mainstream, out of town schools are usually the best option for learning to fit in, since regular sized classes may be overwhelming to the child.

Bullying can be a problem both in large classes which may consist of cliques that exclude loners and in small classes which may be dominated by one or two strong personalities.

Yiddishkeit Challenges

Children who have practical or ideological problems with Yiddishkeit need a Mesivta that is geared to addressing these issues.  Such Mesivtas do exist and each has its own approach to helping these boys.

Emotionally Fragile

This includes the anxious, depressed, OCD, bi-polar, and so on.  Sometimes, symptoms can be managed when the child is in a controlled environment, but this is not long-term solution since the child may fall apart once he’s in the “real world”.  Such children need a supportive Mesivta that also gives them access to quality therapy to begin working on their deeper issues.  Such Mesivtas may be easier to find in larger communities which have more resources than out-of-town communities.

Medical Issues

Where there are medical issues, it may be easiest and safest to stay local.

Non-local Mesivtas may be wary of admitting boys with chronic medical conditions that require medications, such as diabetes, severe allergies, and chemical imbalances.  Parents should first make sure that they have clarity about the child’s medical condition and needs.

Once they decide on which Mesivta(s) is appropriate for their son, they may need an advocate: a principal, Rebbe, or placement professional to help the Mesivta staff understand that they can handle the child’s needs.  Depending on the situation, it may be best to limit full disclosure of the child’s medical issues until the Mesivta staff meets the boy.  Once the boy is admitted, the parents may ask the staff or the local Bikur Cholim for medical referrals.

Should the Child Dorm?

There are many reasons to want to keep boys away from dormitories and under the closer supervision and more wholesome atmosphere of their home environment.  That said, there are circumstances where dorming may be the better option:

  • If the home environment is unstable, unhealthy, or chaotic, children are often better off in a dorm. Children from divorced families are often more comfortable dorming since this helps them blend in with their peers who are also away from their families.
  • Sometimes, the only way for the teenager to get along with family members is to get away.
  • A true masmid (diligent student) may accomplish more in his learning when he lives at the Yeshiva.

If the best placement option for a child with challenges is an out-of-town Yeshiva, parents should not let the dormitory cause them to reject the placement.  Instead, they can check out the dorm’s structure and supervision, keeping in mind that children living at home are not necessarily “safe”.  Children who are prone to inappropriate pursuits may well find them even when living at home.

Commuting to a Mesivta may be difficult, since some children get worn down from the longer hours this entails and it may be harder to sustain.  That said, children have succeeded using this option.  Sometimes, children dorm at the school after the first year or two.

Children who have difficulty getting along with others are often best avoiding the dorm.  If an out-of-town placement is essential for such a child, parents may want to look into boarding options.

Boarding is complicated since it’s crucial to get the right arrangement.  When a boy is placed in an out-of-town Yeshiva without a dormitory, boarding is the only option.  Parents should be wary of having their son placed in a basement, with or without other boys, since this might mean no supervision.  On the other hand, children feel awkward and uncomfortable “being in the way” of family conversations and events.

It is important to check out the family carefully, since having a spare room does not automatically mean that one is qualified to look after someone else’s child, let alone a non-typical one.  While staying with a Rebbe seems ideal, boys often dislike it.

The terms should be spelled out carefully: what the family is to provide and what the child has access to in the kitchen and home.  Parents should also try to arrange in advance what happens should their child get sick and needs transportation to doctors and the like.

Other Factors Affecting Placement

Child’s Preference

Wherever feasible, the child should be allowed to select the placement option that he prefers.  While younger children (under age 9) or compliant boys can be placed wherever the parent chooses, a resentful teen may sabotage his chances at success in the Yeshiva if placed against his will.  Parents may find it helpful to bring the boy to the Yeshiva in advance and give him a chance to get used to the idea of attending.

Parents should be aware that it is crushing to wake up every morning knowing that you are not going to do anything you want to do that day, or for the next four years.  This can lead to anxiety and depression.

Hashkafic Compatibility

Children are more likely to thrive where they are comfortable.  The Yeshiva’s hashkafa is an important part of the environment.  Wherever possible, the Yeshiva’s hashkafa should match the child’s background, assuming that the child identifies with his family’s beliefs.

Conclusion

We are fortunate that there are many Mesivta options for boys graduating eighth grade.  When parents find the right placement for their son, they are able to enjoy the nachas of watching him grow into the young man he was meant to be.  We wish all our readers success in finding the best options for all of their children.

Careers and Training

 

Choosing a career is an important life decision which includes determining how to get the qualifications needed to train for a field.  In this article, we outline strategies and tips for parents and young adults, gleaned from interviews with career counselors, recruiters, and young people in various stages of their career.

How Much Parental Involvement?

Children are more likely to make the best choices when parents are involved in the process, provided that there is a healthy balance of discussion and independence in the relationship.  Neither extreme of parents dictating the children’s career/training path or total lack of parental involvement is in the children’s best interest.  If needed, a mentor or guide, (a school staff member or older friend) should be found for the student.

Parents should keep in mind the need for objectivity.  Unfulfilled ambitions on a parent’s part, for example, may lead a parent to push their child to a career or educational path that the parent was not able to pursue.  Another potential trap is pushing a child to pursue the same path that led the parent or older siblings to a successful career.  In addition, parents need to acknowledge academic challenges that may preclude the pursuit of a specific degree.

The High School Years

Children vary greatly in their maturity, academic level, and ambition.  For some children, the high school years are an important time for social and emotional development.  Children who find academics difficult may struggle to graduate with the high school diploma.

Other children perceive high school as preparation for college, or indeed, as college itself.  Ambitious teens take AP (Advanced Placement) courses and exams so that they graduate with college credits.  There are teens who coordinated their high school coursework with college level exams so that they graduated high school with a BA (Bachelor’s Degree).  Parents who know their children well may help them decide whether to push themselves during high school or to focus on internal growth.

It is useful if the child is ready in eleventh grade to discuss career plans, since this allows the parents and child to include career preparation when applying for seminary or Bais Medrash.  Parents may ask their child, “Where do you see yourself in five to ten years?”   While some boys start their career training later than girls, it may be beneficial for those who are not determined to learn forever to start thinking about the future.  However, parents must keep in mind that children develop at different rates and pushing a child to decide too early may lead to wasting time and money on the wrong training, aside from causing emotional stress.

Considerations on Choosing Careers

Personal Preferences

Being unhappy with one’s work leads to problems.  With a little creativity, hobbies and favorite pastimes may be channeled into careers.  For example, an avid shopper or interior decorator may use their experience to start a business.  A camera hobbyist may use his/her expertise for a career in sales for cameras and related products.  Temperament should also be kept in mind.  Not everyone is suited to sit behind a desk, for example.

Suitability for the work/training 

Someone who dislikes academics may not be able to complete the degree even if s/he has an aptitude for the career.  This is a flaw with aptitude testing done in isolation from the personality or character of the person being tested.  On the other hand, aptitude tests may uncover previously unknown strengths that may open more career options.

Sometimes, children who were poor students in high school succeed in college and graduate school.  Maturity and motivation can make a tremendous difference in outcome.  A gap year often helps students reach academic maturity and success.  Starting classes at a community college that provides more support may be the right path for some students.

Work/Life Balance 

Before committing to a specific career or career path, one should consider the ramifications on family and spiritual life.  For example, a high-powered professional career may impede minyan attendance, regular learning, and spending time with spouse and children.  Girls planning high powered careers (law, PhD, MD, BoS or pharmaceutical) should be aware that the training period involved demands a great commitment from the family.

For married job seekers, much depends on the dynamics of their family, since some families need more time and attention from both parents than others.  Since this is very individual, it is advisable to consult a Rav about the work/life balance.

Researching Careers

Unless the child is certain about what s/he wants to do, it is worthwhile to find out what careers and jobs are “out there”.  Children should speak to older friends, relatives, and acquaintances to find out what they do for a living.

It is especially productive to speak to people who are just a bit older and who share one’s background and values in order to determine the viability of the training and the work from a similar perspective.  Talking to a variety of people in the field is also useful for learning about different career paths within the field, including unexpected ways to use one’s degree or training.  Many professional careers have alternative versions: for example, a lawyer may choose to work as an in-house attorney, or a doctor may work for a hospital rather than setting up a practice.

Shadowing someone for a day or two as they go about their work may be eye-opening.  For example, there is a misconception that girls who enjoyed science in school will enjoy working as therapists or nurses.  In reality, these careers involve working intensively with people and patience is as great an asset for this work as academic ability.  Students should also make sure to attend career events at school.  Internships are another valuable tool for researching careers, and some colleges allow them to be used for course credits.

Children who decide to “go into Chinuch” should educate themselves about different career paths in this field.  Tutoring, volunteering, and shadowing students or teachers are useful for learning more about the field.  Future mechanchim might consider taking courses offered through institutions such as Torah U’Mesorah to improve their job and income prospects.

Common Career Choices

Typical choices among today’s youth are therapies (OT, PT, Speech), special education, health services (nursing, dental hygienist, physician’s assistant, physician) and social work (CSW, LCSW).  Some less academic options include: OTA (assistant to OT) and para-legal.  Yeshiva graduates often gravitate to fields where doing well on tests is crucial for credentials: accounting, law (LSATS), actuary, and business (GMAT).  Computer programming and other technology fields are also popular, since the skills may be acquired outside the college system (e.g. computer boot camps or online resources) and ability can be clearly demonstrated.

Young men who are not academically oriented are often encouraged to pursue vocational training programs for careers as plumbers, electricians, heating/cooling technicians (HVAC), EMT (emergency medical technician), construction, and the like.

Real estate is another popular area, providing jobs in real estate brokerage, property management, and mortgage underwriting.  These kinds of jobs usually have minimal training requirements to obtain the requisite license.

For the Clueless Child

Where a child has absolutely no idea what s/he wants to do for a living, and especially where the childhood was complicated, it may be best to find the child any available job.  Employment fosters feelings of competence and self-esteem and gives a feeling for what the working life entails.  If the job doesn’t work out, the child may try another one, until the s/he gets an idea of his/her career preference.  At that point, the child may be mature and motivated enough to research the training path on his/her own.  Sending a child who has no direction at all to college may be a waste of money.

Financial Planning

Parents should be aware that financial aid (TAP/Pell grants) aimed at helping children acquire higher education cannot be used twice.  Once a student acquires a Bachelor’s level degree, s/he is no longer eligible for most forms of financial aid, although FAFSA (Federal Student Aid) may be available under limited circumstances for a second bachelor’s degree or graduate studies.

Children should be included in the decision whether to use this money for seminary/Bais Medrash or whether to save it to finance college level coursework later.  Children may feel betrayed if they find out, perhaps after they are already married, that they are not eligible for government help to train for a career, because the money was already used by their parents to pay for learning in Israel.

Bais Medrash

Yeshivas have varying attitudes about bochrim taking secular courses while attending Bais Medrash: some forbid it, some turn a blind eye, and some work with established educational institutions to provide bochrim with college courses or credits.  Where college credit and grades are determined by the Yeshiva, bochrim are advised to find out in advance which criteria Rebbeim/Hanhalla use to base grades (e.g. bechinos, seder attendance) which go on the transcript.

Yeshiva Boys in Career Training

Some Mesivtas do not emphasize academic excellence in general studies; they often do not see their job as preparing bochrim for college.  Moreover, even college-bound bochrim often spend a few years in Bais Medrash before starting college.  However, it has been observed that many Yeshiva boys adapt readily to the college workload and often excel.  A serious bochur is used to spending long hours studying; by the time he starts college, he is often mature and very focused on achieving.

That said, bochrim who use the BTL (bachelor of Talmudic law) degree and high LSAT scores to gain admission to law school without attending college should be aware that the adjustment is difficult.  It is a good idea for bochrim to develop writing skills before starting college.  Bochrim who choose technical majors may need to allocate a few months to review their math and bring their math skills up to the pre-calculus level.

College and Its Variants

Two frum college options, Yeshiva University/Stern College for Women, and The Lander Colleges (a division of Touro), provide a classic college experience on a single gender campus with a dormitory.  Among the advantages of frum colleges is that they work around the Yom Tov schedule, are accustomed to accepting Yeshiva/seminary credits, and understand the financial constraints of frum parents.  It is possible for diligent students to gain their BA in two years by using seminary credits and attending summer classes.  However, students who do not know what career they wish to pursue or are prone to changing their mind may do best starting with a slower route.

Some Yeshivas/seminaries are either accredited institutions of higher education or have close relationships with colleges.  They offer students the option of taking college level classes in Yeshiva/seminary, in a neutral location, or online.

The traditional college experience, with four years of taking courses on campus, has become one of many options for getting a bachelor’s degree (BA).  Even in the secular world, young people are finding cheaper, faster, and more convenient ways to attain educational qualifications.  Frequently, the bachelor’s degree is seen as a “piece of paper” that is needed in order to be admitted to the graduate program in which the real career training happens.

The general approach is to first to decide on the desired career, find the educational credentials needed to get a job in the field, and work backwards to determine which institutions can provide these credentials, or the steps to obtain the credentials, at minimum cost, inconvenience, and time.  Note, however, that many of these shortcuts do not come with financial aid, unlike standard college.

An industry has developed to help frum people gather the credits they need to get their BA.  This may include creating college-level exams to test Yeshiva-educated children on subjects such as ethics or Bible study, offering online courses, and giving credit for time spent learning in Bais Medrash.  Self-study courses allow students to learn material by reading and/or watching lectures, and taking exams for credit at testing centers.  Some organizations have created accredited separate-gender class-room-based liberal arts and specialized courses conveniently sited near frum communities.  Some programs, such as those that work with Fairleigh Dickenson College coordinate with the Yeshiva bochur’s calendar, scheduling classes during bein hazmanim.

Students may use these institutions to create themselves a personal approach to getting the bachelor’s degree as a springboard to admission to nursing school and the like.  In order to fulfill specialized requirements, such as lab-based sciences, they might enroll in a local community college to take the courses as non-matriculated students. Students are advised to ascertain that the institution to which they are applying will accept these credits.

Higher Tier Jobs

The approaches described above to get a college degree without attending college or with minimal on-campus course work have proven effective.  These credentials have allowed many Yeshiva-educated people to find productive employment, particularly in frum companies and within the Yeshiva school system.

However, a resume containing accreditation from non-traditional colleges or from lower tier colleges is unlikely to be shown to management in upper echelons of the corporate world.  Candidates for higher prestige jobs (higher pay, more responsibility, more interesting work) are expected to stand out from the crowd, usually by having been admitted to exclusive colleges and maintaining high grades.

Exceptionally talented individuals may compensate for substandard college preparation if they can demonstrate that they have superior skills in a valuable area, especially in technology or in sales.  This may be done through acquiring relevant work experience that makes a significant impact, perhaps through work in a frum company or a startup.  Programmers may also showcase their abilities through participation in online forums such as StackOverflow or joining collaborative open source programming projects.

Researching Training Programs

There are a variety of programs available to provide people with the credentials required to start careers.  It is wise to ask questions before investing time and money in a program.

Effectiveness

It is essential to speak with alumni of the program, to find out how well the program qualified them to find employment in the field of their choice.  Questions to ask include: To which graduate schools were they admitted, based on the degree or training?  Did the jobs they attain have the salary and status level they had been led to expect?  How helpful was the guidance department of the program?  An inability to speak with alumni is a major red flag.

The more effective programs try to coordinate with companies in the field in order to finetune their training to meet their needs.  Many college programs have internships with companies that lead directly to being hired on graduation.  In general, the more established programs are more likely to have forged connections that lead to jobs.

True Cost

Aside from the tuition per year and the number of years to completion, there may be other costs, including: additional fees for tests, graduation fees, and transcript charges.

It is important to read the fine print on financial aid grants.  Sometimes, there are residency requirements for some years after graduation, such that the student must stay in the state or the grant becomes a student loan which must be repaid with interest.

Classroom Setting

Are the classes separate-gender?  Where and when do the classes take place?  How is the student expected to get to them?

It is a good idea to visit the program while it is in session to get a sense of the atmosphere: will this child be comfortable with these students?  Faculty?  Neighborhood? Transportation?

Transfer Credits

How many credits from seminary/Bais Medrash does the program accept?  Are AP (advanced placement exams) accepted?  At what score?  For which courses?  Are high school courses taken on college level accepted for college credit?  Are grades from transfer credits included in the college GPA listed on the transcript?

For colleges: what is the minimum number of in-house credits required for the degree?  This may limit the usefulness of credits earned in Israel or transferred from other programs.

Responsiveness

Do the program staff return telephone calls or emails promptly?  Do they take the time to explain details of requirements, financial aid, and like?  Does each student have an academic advisor?  How involved is the advisor?  How much job or graduate school placement guidance does the program provide?

General Tips

  • It is a good idea to discuss career plans with a qualified outsider to make sure that they are plausible, especially when coming from a non-typical background.
  • Avoid working fulltime during a challenging college/training program unless it’s essential.  Education is a long-term investment and it’s important to do well in order to land the right first job.  In general, girls should be wary of “biting off more than they can chew” on returning from seminary.  The adjustment to adult life, including dating, social obligations, and navigating home life, also takes a lot of energy.
  • If after starting a training program or a career path, one feels that it doesn’t suit, one should be prepared to switch to another career and training course.  It is better to execute a U turn earlier than later.
  • Taking online courses may be more convenient than attending courses on campus, but they may demand much more work from the students.  For many students, self-teaching is more difficult than learning from lectures.  Success for such students is more likely where online courses are in subjects in which the student already has a strong background or natural ability.
  • Some people who skip the college option to work in an office have found it profitable to get a degree later on in business management to increase their salary or future job prospects.  Business degrees are also useful for students who wish to start their own businesses, since they teach the basics about accounting, cashflow, and the like.  It is worthwhile to find the most relevant degree since business degrees vary.

Which Factors Determine Success?

Getting the right degree from the right institution does not guarantee job offers.  The graduate also needs to acquire job-seeking skills: how to write an effective resume, how to network for job prospects, how to present him/herself, and how to interview successfully.

Once employed, traits such as a strong work ethic, reliability, social skills, and being a team player are important for success in the workplace.

 

 

Those Long Friday Evenings

 

Each year, when the clock changes in the fall, we enter the “early Shabbos” period, lasting for about three months.  With Shabbos starting around 4:15PM, most families are finished with their Friday night meal by 8:00.  What happens next?

A Precious Opportunity

Many parents are pressured and time-starved as they juggle work, household duties, various obligations, and their children’s needs.  In addition, they may be distracted by telephone calls, text messages, and emails.  It is very hard to focus exclusively on the children.  Shabbos is the antidote to this problem, since through its restrictions, it provides parents and children with time to reconnect.  It is crucial that parents utilize this opportunity in the most optimal way, since Shabbos is also the prime medium through which young children experience both family and Yiddishkeit.  The earlier years of childhood are the best time to build the bonds to both.

Families employ different strategies to utilize the long Friday nights of winter to their full potential.  Parents should try to be attuned to their children’s response to their chinuch plans.  What works for some children does not necessarily work for others, and children’s tastes are likely to change as they grow older.

Creating A Post-Seuda Experience

Some parents make a quick seuda on Friday night.  This leaves time for a new venue for their weekly get-together with the children.

Forming a Special Venue

A nice idea, especially for younger families, is to have all the children get into nighttime clothing, fetch their sleeping bags, and stage a pajama party.   A blanket draped or tied over some chairs makes an impromptu tent.  Favorite dolls or stuffed animals can be brought in, even by children who have outgrown them.

Post-Seuda Treats

An extra cholent, popcorn, grape juice slush: parents may use their imagination or consult with the children to decide on special food to make Friday nights stand out.

Activities

  • Discuss the week, preferably emphasizing the positive in keeping with Shabbos spirit.
  • Each child suggests a song in turn.
  • Parsha, Divrei Torah, Inspirational Story.
  • Games: Jewish-themed games are the ideal on Shabbos: guessing games or Jewish versions of Lotto and the like.  Some children may prefer classic board games (Monopoly, Sorry, Perpetual Commotion, etc.), puzzles and brain teasers, classic activity games like Simon Says, Red Light/Green Light, Hide & Seek, card games.  If the children don’t seem interested in the family’s games, parents may ask them to inform them in advance about the latest games.  Note that there is a toy library in Passaic: call 973 472 5414 for more information.
  • Acting: Children or parents may stage puppet shows, perform a play, or charades perhaps based on the parsha or on material they are` learning in Yeshiva. A puppet show may be an effective modality for parents to convey a message that their children would not be willing to hear directly.

Having the evening’s activities revolve around a Torah idea: a posuk, a midda, or a mitzvah allows parents and children to be creative while deepening their understanding of an important concept.

Older children might not want to participate but may enjoy reading quietly (and listening in) somewhere in the room.  Later, they might appreciate their own one-on-one time with a parent.

Prolonging the Seuda?

For other families, having a long, leisurely Friday night seuda might work better.  Older children have more stamina to sit at the table and just talk, provided that the conversation is pitched to their interests.  Parents may begin the seuda with singing and parsha sheets pitched towards younger siblings and switch gears after putting the young ones to bed.

Parents may want to take their children’s interests into account when inviting guests for a long Friday night seuda.  Some guests stimulate good conversation and enhance the dynamic around the Shabbos table.  In general, it is advisable for parents to give their children’s needs priority during sensitive times when they are growing up, since this is the best period for fostering a strong, resilient relationship with parents and Yiddishkeit.

Older Siblings

Not every teen wants to bond with parents and young siblings on Friday night.  And, even if they secretly enjoy family-based activities, they may resent having their approval taken for granted.  During the week, parents may ask their teen how s/he would like to “play out” Friday night.

One option may be to invite a friend for a sleepover after the seuda.  For some families, it may pay to split the parenting, with one parent cozying up with the younger children while the other hangs out in another room with the older ones.

Sometimes, it is best to opt out of family-based activities for the teens and organize an oneg instead.  Parents of teens in the same crowd may organize a rotating oneg, serving food, singing, sharing divrei Torah…  Aside from keeping one’s child in a safe environment, this may be the parents’ best chance to meet their child’s friends and learn more about his/her life.

Friday Night Learning Programs

These learning programs offer fathers another option for spending time one on one with their sons.  While reviewing material covered in school is the obvious option, fathers may consider other kinds of learning.  Pirkei Avos, for example, is a good springboard for hashkafa or mussar discussion.  However, fathers should not assume that their sons share their interests, since some boys just want to cover their weekly chazara.  Fathers may ask their sons to suggest topics.

It is a good idea for parents to ascertain whether their sons really enjoy the Bais Medrash experience or whether they want a break from learning.  Some boys need a push to get out of the house, but once they’re at the program, they benefit.  For others, being pushed to learn, in or out of the house, is counter-productive and best avoided.

Note: Single mothers are extremely grateful when men offer to learn with their sons or to take them to shul and look after them.

Discussing Hashkafa

Spending quality time with their children on Friday evenings provides parents with their chance to supplement what the children are taught in school.  Hashkafa, or Mussar or Chassidic-based teachings may enrich the childrens’ spiritual lives.  While children, especially girls, are taught hashkafa in school, this is usually integrated into lesson plans in chumash, navi, and the like.  Therefore, children may not realize how much they are receiving at school.  Discussing topics at home gives children a chance to articulate their positions and explore different viewpoints without feeling judged by their peers or their teachers.  For boys in junior high school this may be their best chance to obtain this type of learning since their Yeshiva curriculum at this age tends to focus mostly on gemara.

Open-ended discussions may be stimulated by having a parent or older child read a meaningful story aloud.  Rabbi Yitzchak Eisenman’s short vorts often work well to stimulate thoughtful conversations.

An Opportunity Missed…

Parents are often very fatigued on Friday nights and may succumb to the temptation to “crash” and sleep from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM.  However, we are finding boys as young as 7th and 8th grade roaming the streets on Friday night, bored and looking for something to do.  The night life in our community contains elements to which parents do not want their children exposed.

Talking About Tzniyus

 

Tzniyus is one of the primary themes in the chinuch of our daughters.  While there are inspiring explanations for this fundamental mitzvah, this post focuses on providing parents with practical tips to help their daughters develop tzniyus as an internal value.  We do not advocate any specific halachic approach to tzniyus observance.  However, our premise is that parents want to raise self-confident daughters who choose their look based on spiritual values as well as fashion and style.

We would like to thank the parents, Mechanchim, and Mechanchos who contributed to this article.  Special thanks to the talmidos and alumnae of our local Yeshivos for their help in reviewing and editing.

Some Challenges of Tzniyus

  • Peer Pressure: Girls face enormous pressure to conform to the norms of their social group.
  • External Influences:  The styles prevalent in general society permeate our community despite our efforts to live an insular lifestyle.
  • Difficulty Finding Appropriate Clothes:  Much of the clothing available in stores or catalogs is not tzniyusdik.
  • Strong Sense of Style:  Some girls see clothing as their creative outlet and do not want to be constrained by rules.
  • Carelessness:  Maintaining tzniyus entails attention to details to make sure that clothing conforms to the standards, continues to fit in a tzniyusdik manner amid growth spurts and is worn correctly.

The Mother’s Role

A daughter’s adherence to tzniyus often reflects that of her mother.  Mothers may consider the following tips:

Decide Your Values

In order to transmit something as complex as tzniyus, mothers must be clear about their own tzniyus practices and beliefs.  This may involve research: reading books, listening to lectures, or speaking to mentors to decide which standard to practice and to choose for the children.

Parents should try to find a Yeshiva with a hashkafa that is compatible with their own.  Once parents choose which Yeshiva and which chinuch they want for their children, the family is best off if they align themselves with the Yeshiva’s approach even if the standard may be higher than what they are currently practicing.  Parents should try to dress in accordance with the school’s rules, especially when they visit the school.

Be consistent

Children are highly attuned to mixed signals from their parents.  Teens are prone to label inconsistent behavior on their parents’ part as hypocrisy.  Therefore, the mother has to be very careful to always dress in strict conformity to the rules that she chose.  If she is always firm with herself, her children will have a stronger grasp of what is right and what is wrong for their family.

Focus on Tzniyus on a Personal Level

For many women, tzniyus is a spiritual journey in which they raise their level of observance as they grow spiritually.  Children are likely to respect their mother and tzniyus itself as they see her efforts to improve.

Tzniyus groups such as Peninim are based on the idea that when mothers raise their standards, this gives girls moral support to adhere to tzniyus.  To find out more about Peninim in the Passaic/Clifton community, contact Mrs. Aviva Gross, (973) 473 – 3824.

Create an Open Relationship with Children

Given today’s challenging chinuch environment, it is essential that parents build an open relationship with their children based on trust and open communication.  Children need to know that their parents love them, want only the best for them, and are genuinely interested in hearing their point of view.  Mothers must make it clear to their daughters that they want their daughters to look attractive and to fit in socially while dressing tzniyusdik.  The message to be conveyed is that tzniyus is for the sake of the children themselves, rather than for the parents’ comfort or social standing.

In the short term, parents may need to ask their Rav whether maintaining the relationship may require compromising on their children following certain rules, including tzniyus.

Keep Up with Clothing Trends

Social survival for girls means dressing according to the fashions prevalent in their class.  Daughters are more likely to respect their mother if their mother can speak intelligently about what is “in”.  And, it’s easier on the mother/teen relationship when the mother dresses nicely.

Introducing Tzniyus

There are different halachic approaches to when girls need to dress according to tzniyus guidelines for wearing skirts, skirt and sleeve length, and socks or stockings.  Parents may find tzniyus easier for their daughter when they start early.

An advantage of inaugurating some tzniyus practices at age three is that this corresponds with the age that boys begin to wear tzitzis.  The daughter can be told that tzniyus is her mitzvah as she comes of age.  Tightening the standards gradually may be viewed as passing development milestones (e.g. “this is your last summer wearing short socks”).  Preschoolers are often excited to start wearing their school uniform and may be happy to incorporate the same standards in the rest of their clothing.

Parents often tell their little girls that they are princesses, and therefore have to dress to a higher standard.  This works until around age six. Many parents have been successful with telling their daughters that dressing in a less tzniyus way does not “pas” or befit such a “chosheve” girl; this is effective for girls who have an innate sense of dignity.

The concept of tzniyus is often best acquired by practicing it.  When parents dress their young children with tzniyusdik clothing, they cultivate a sense of refinement in dress that cannot be conveyed through lectures.  This is also the time to set the norms for the children. Parents may also reinforce the message by admiring their daughter’s appearance: “You look so nice!”, when her clothing conforms to tzniyus guidelines.

More hands-on opportunities to teach daughters about tzniyus arise when mother and daughter go shopping together.   While trying on a questionable garment, the mother may tell her daughter, “I like this dress but I wouldn’t feel good about myself if I’d wear it.”  The daughter should see that her mother also gets tempted and is able to say no.

Promoting Tzniyus

Girls are more likely to internalize the values and practices of tzniyus if the concept is presented as part of an attractive package rather a set of restrictions.  The tips that follow are more likely to be effective if tzniyus is not explicitly mentioned.

  • Invite families and singles who share the parental tzniyus values, dress attractively, and are fun to be with.
  • Starting from the early years, try to help the children develop friendships with classmates who share the family’s values. This may be a factor in deciding where to live.
  • Find chessed activities run by older girls who model the appropriate dress. There are many opportunities in the community for girls to help, including Project Give and Kool Kids.
  • Talk about women who have made a difference in our history and those are currently or recently active in the community, in order to highlight the importance of the woman’s role in a Torah community.

When girls realize that they have potential to have an impact on their world, they may be more willing to see their personality, skills and talents as their predominant means of self-expression as opposed relying only their clothing for this purpose.

Going Shopping

Ideally, shopping should be a pleasant time for mother/daughter bonding. It is a good idea to plan ahead so that both mother and daughter are not stressed by hunger, time constraints and the like.  Shopping may be seen as a fun mitzvah, to find clothing that will make the girl look attractive while following the halachos of tzniyus.

Researching in advance the fashions, the temptations, and the likely scenarios pays off.  This allows mother and daughter to discuss before the trip what is and what isn’t going to be allowed.  It is also helpful to work out a word or signal that mother should use if she feels that a garment is not tzniyusdik, to minimize embarrassment for the daughter.

Finding tzniyusdik clothing is easier in the frum stores, although this is not guaranteed.  It may be helpful to find a role model who dresses stylishly within the tzniyus parameters, and to shop in accordance with her look.  When mother and daughter have a conflict over a clothing item, the mother should begin by validating her daughter’s desire for the garment: “You do look good in it, but what image do you want to present?”  Spending money on nice accessories can sweeten compromises over clothing.

A skillful seamstress (or a family member) may be able to save the day by altering a dubious garment into a tzniyus one.  There are many ways to work with problematic clothes, and it is helpful for savvy mothers (and daughters) to share tips.  Some examples: using shells, taking in shoulder areas, adding a band of material on top to lengthen skirts, adding material to close a slit…

Parents may need to spend serious money on the clothing.  This can be seen as the hiddur mitzvah.  Daughters should see that parents take the mitzvah seriously and are willing to “put their money where their mouth is”.   Note: gemachs (in and out of town) often carry new or gently used tzniyusdik clothing.

Parents should be aware that sending their daughter shopping with a peer or a relative with different values (grandmother, aunt) may cause tzniyus conflicts if the shopper does not share their tzniyus values.  It is very hard to tell a daughter to return clothing.

Avoiding Power Struggles

Using tact is may avoid loading tzniyus with negative associations.

  • “Let’s go shopping!” – when clothing gets outgrown and therefore, less tzniyusdik
  • “What a dignified outfit!” – when pointing out an example of a tzniyusdik look
  • “That doesn’t look so refined” – when daughter is interested in something less appropriate
  • “That top could use a scarf; do you want to borrow one of mine?” – when daughter enters room wearing a dubious shirt.
  • “Not sure if you can tell but I’m noticing …(insert tzniyus problem – such as, “your sweater is pulling a bit, skirt riding up, etc.)”

In general, tzniyus-related comments have the most impact when given with brevity, nonjudgmentally, and without looking to get into a conversation.

Some teens need their space to experiment with different looks.  It is essential that parents minimize fights over tzniyus, because this creates baggage and resistance for future improvement.  Parents should discuss clothing issues with Rebbetzins and experienced friends to get a better idea of when to give in.

Helping a Daughter with Tzniyus

When a girl deliberately adopts a tzniyus level lower than that of her peer group, it may be due to a number of factors.

Some teens feel a need to experiment with their dress to try out different identities: am I a Yeshivish?   Modern?  A girl might simply prefer a more relaxed, open look than that of her parent’s social circle.  Or, she may be socializing with a less tzniyusdik crowd.

It is important to bear in mind that many girls do experience small-scale challenges with tzniyus at some point in their teenage years. Small changes in dress here and there are normal, and handled tactfully, go away on their own.

Dressing inappropriately may also be due to frustration or to a lack of connection to parents, school, or friends.  In high school, for example, the social scene can be intense and brutal.

To help their daughter, parents may begin with consulting the girl’s Morah or Mechaneches.   The family Rav or a someone experience with teens may also be able to give advice.  Parents should keep in mind that “cracking down” on a teenager may be highly counter-productive. A compromise may entail letting their daughter dress the way she wants in her room at home.

Sometimes, a hobby may be needed to provide her with a more suitable outlet and to build her self-confidence.  There are a variety of extra-curricular activities available in our community, including arts and crafts, dance, gymnastics, and more.  An activity that involves physical movement may help some girls feel more comfortable in their skin, and therefore, more at ease with tzniyus.

If the daughter is struggling, parents may discreetly ask someone: an older sibling, cousin, sister-in-law, or aunt to spend time with her on regular basis.  They could also shop together, minimizing tension with the mother.

In general, dressing highly inappropriately in our community is one way a girl may express her inner pain. Our recommendation is to counter this with lots of unconditional love on the part of her parents, her teachers, and other role models, rather than with lectures or pointers on how to improve her mode of dress.

Does she need professional counseling?

There is a spectrum of tzniyus standards.  When a teen dresses to a lower standard than her parents, she may see this as her choosing a different hashkafa, rather than a symptom of an underlying emotional or mental health issue.

When deciding whether their daughter has deeper problems, parents should examine the way the rest of the family dresses.  If the sons’ manner of dress is less strict, it’s easier to understand if the daughters do not conform to a higher standard either.  And, daughters cannot be blamed if their clothing matches that of their mother.

Some other questions to ask are: does the daughter seem otherwise well-adjusted?  Does she seem content?  Get good grades?  Goal oriented?  Maintain relationships with a set of stable friends?  If most of the answers are yes, it’s probably a hashkafa rather than a therapy (psychological) issue.

If the girl seems to seriously want to attract male attention, parents should consult someone who understands teens, i.e. a therapist or a specialist in at-risk children.

Discussing Tzniyus

Girls vary in how much they are interested in learning about tzniyus.  Some just want to be told the rules and left alone (or so they imply).  For others, tzniyus is an issue that must be discussed over and over. Many girls express the desire to learn the hashkafa and reasons for tzniyus, as opposed to learning rules and halachos in isolation.  Parents need to stay attuned to their children’s reactions when they initiate discussions, so that they use the right approach.  In addition, maintaining an open relationship allows children to bring up any question or topic without feeling judged.

There are many approaches to understanding tzniyus and it’s hard to know in advance which approach will “speak” to a girl.  For example, telling girls that their dress code is meant to protect the men’s spirituality is often counter-productive, since most girls neither understand nor sympathize, but may lose respect for men.  It is a good idea for both parents to research the topic and learn a few ways to explain the hashkafos behind the practices of tzniyus.  There are many good books and speakers on the topic.  Where children are in contact with people who dress differently, parents are even more obliged to be prepared to defend the family’s approach to tzniyus.

Tzniyus, sitting at the juncture between the personal/public, bodily/spiritual and authentic/superficial, is too vital a topic to neglect.  Parents may occasionally try to bring up topics related to this wider concept of tzniyus and see where they lead, to benefit from exploring their thoughts on this important subject.

Conclusion

Transmitting the mesora to one’s children entails that parents accomplish the following:

  • Show the children that living their lives according to Torah is the best way to live.
  • Build a relationship with the children based on trust and unconditional love.
  • Understand that chinuch needs to be customized for each child; there is no “one size fits all”

To close, when it comes to tzniyus, a prominent Rebbetzin states, “”I am a believer in ‘easy-does-it’ versus the sledgehammer approach.”

We wish our readers hatzlacha with their children.

Helping Your Child Read Fluently

 

Tips for parents of children in grades K to 8

Literacy is one of the most important skills children acquire in school.  While most children pick up reading Hebrew and English without much difficulty, 20% to 30% may experience challenges.  This post provides tips to show parents how to identify problems early, remediate literacy challenges, and work with their childrens’ Yeshivos to ensure their children receive a solid foundation in reading.

We thank the mechanchim/mechanchos and reading specialists who generously contributed their experience and expertise for this article.

Common Causes of Reading Problems

Developmental Lag:   The general academic consensus is that children acquire literacy anywhere from ages 5 to 7.  This means that some children are not ready to learn reading at the age that they are taught and that some are not taught at the age when they finally are ready.

Attention Issues:   Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and other disorders impede a child’s ability to concentrate.

Missing Steps:  For various reasons (illness, moves, difficulty with the teacher or other social, learning, or behavioral challenges), a child may miss one of the stages of literacy training.  Since each stage builds on the previous, the child may not be able to catch up.

Phonological Deficiencies:  Some children have trouble identifying sounds and breaking words into different sounds.  Language deficits, such as delayed speech or poor intelligibility, are also associated with literacy difficulties.

Vision Challenges:  Children may be farsighted and need reading glasses.  Others may have trouble getting their eyes to focus properly (convergence) or to maintain focus on the right place on the page (tracking).   Some may see letters in reverse.

Before Starting Pre1a

In the mainstream Yeshiva system, children are taught Hebrew, and sometimes English, letters at age four in Kindergarten.  The next year in Pre1a, they learn Hebrew reading, with a lighter emphasis on reading English.  They are expected to acquire English literacy by the end of first grade.  Educators discourage parents from teaching their children to read before they start school, since this may lead the child to tune out the drills and reinforcement that s/he may need to build fluency.

Building Reading Readiness

Reading to children is a great way to prepare them to read.  This may start at birth.  Hearing the words helps children develop a familiarity with the rhythm and flow of language, acquire richer vocabularies, as well as inferencing skills.

Rhyming books are especially useful for children to build phonological awareness.  If the child has trouble “hearing” the rhyme or the alliterations in the books, parents may teach it by showing the child how words are formed out of sounds.  Language-based games such as “name the sound”, especially for initial sounds in words, are also helpful.  Games that focus on initial sounds are also useful (e.g. Let’s put BBBalls and BBats in the BBBAsket.)

There are many ways parents can familiarize preschoolers with the shapes and sounds of the aleph bais and alphabet.  Puzzles and cookie cutters allow children to feel the shapes of the letters.  Cookie cutters may be used to form shapes in sand, which the child can trace with his/her fingers.  Coloring books provide more ways to interact with the letters.

Accents and Pronunciation

When parents are from a background different from their child’s Yeshiva, they need to decide at the outset whether they want their child to read Hebrew their way or the Yeshiva’s way.  This issue arises when parents have Israeli, Sefardi or Chassidish pronunciation.  If the child is to be taught using the Yeshiva’s pronunciation system, parents may need to adopt that system themselves for kriya practice or find a tutor for kriya work.

Warning Signs

Sometime during the kindergarten year, teachers or parents may detect signs of upcoming reading challenges:

  • Difficulty learning the names and sounds of letters
  • Insensitivity to rhyme or alliteration
  • Delays in speech or difficulties with articulation

Aside from the red flags listed above, parents may be aware of other risk factors for their child, such as their own reading challenges or problems they encountered with siblings.

Early Interventions

Repeat Kindergarten

If the child is immature or born close to the end of the school’s cutoff date, having the child repeat kindergarten may be a good option.  However, parents should keep in mind that repeating kindergarten may not be enough to solve potential reading problems.  Parents need to stay in contact with the school staff during this repeated year to ascertain that their child is keeping up with the class in the pre-reading skills.

Have the Child Assessed

Depending on the extent and severity of the child’s problems, the preschool staff or the pediatrician may recommend a full evaluation by the local school board to find out more about their child’s issues and to try to obtain government funding for remediation.  Alternatively, it may be sufficient to have the child assessed by an eye doctor, occupational therapist (OT), speech-language pathologist, or reading specialist.  It is very important to use the services of a professional who has experience evaluating children with literacy deficits.  Even at preschool age, simple tests can be performed to determine whether the problem is due to visual, auditory, or other deficits.  Based on the assessment, parents should expect to be given instructions on how to build their child’s skills.

Select a School Carefully

If the child’s delay in reading readiness is a maturational issue, finding a school that teaches reading later may be helpful.

If the issue is more complicated, and it’s difficult to be certain at this age that it isn’t, the child may be better out starting out in a Yeshiva that has the resources to help.  Parents may investigate the resource room, learning center, and availability of reading specialists.  They should also inquire who would direct their child’s learning and try to meet this staff member in advance.

Work with the Child

Preschool staff or professionals who meet the child should be able to recommend exercises and activities to help remedy the child’s deficits.  Home activities may make a significant difference for the child.

Pre1a and First Grade

What are the School’s Expectations?

Parents who wish to monitor their child’s progress need to know the informal sub-goals of the school year.  Generally, the school year may be divided into “by Chanuka”, “by Purim”, and “by the end of the year”.  In each school, students are expected to accomplish certain milestones by the end of these markers.  Knowing the expectations helps parents understand whether their child is keeping up with the class.

The Importance of Homework

Reading homework is crucial when the child is learning how to read, because this provides the drill and repetition to build a solid foundation for literacy.  A classroom is not a setting in which each child can be given extensive supervised drill. The homework sessions also help parents identify problem areas.  If the child struggles with the homework, there may be an underlying problem which should be discussed with the Rebbe/Morah or teacher.  Frequent communication between home and school is essential when children experience academic challenges.

Red Flags

At kindergarten and first grade, children should be aware that words are composed of a sequence of sounds and that sounds are associated with specific letters.  If the child makes reading errors unconnected with the sounds of the letters, there may be a difficulty with phonological awareness.  It is also a bad sign if the non-kvetching child complains at this age that reading is too hard.

Summer Homework

It is crucial that children practice their reading in Hebrew and English during the summers after Pre1a and first grade.  In mainstream Yeshivos, the first grade limudei kodesh curriculum is based on the assumption that the students have mastered kriya.  For most children, reading drills over the summer is the only way to retain their newly acquired proficiency so that they are prepared for the next stage.  For a student with reading challenges, summer is the time when they either catch up to their peers due to extensive practice – or fall further behind.

 

Middle Grades

While a child may have picked up reading easily in Pre1a, parents are advised to continue monitoring the child’s reading, especially Hebrew, for the following reasons:

  • The reading gets harder: Children are reading longer passages with smaller print. Rashi script without nekudos is added to their work load.  Problems such as vision issues may emerge at this point.
  • The child may be concealing problems: children find ways to compensate for poor reading skills by memorizing, avoiding, or mumbling.
  • Skills may deteriorate without practice: Students do not have much opportunity to read aloud in class. Homework assignments might not include sufficient reading practice to reinforce skills.
  • This is the time to build fluency. During the initial reading training, accuracy is the prime objective.  Once accuracy is achieved, children are expected to read with greater speed and smoothness. This requires building a large sight vocabulary.

While the phonetic and consistent Hebrew system is intrinsically easier than English, children often read better in English because they understand what they are reading.  Moreover, the child is constantly inundated with English words, whereas s/he is only exposed to Hebrew during formal learning times. If the child is happily reading chapter books, parents probably need not worry about reinforcing English reading skills.  Kriya, however, requires consistent attention from the parents to ensure that the child acquires fluency.

Comprehension

By the middle grades, the focus shifts from reading accurately to reading for comprehension. Comprehension difficulties tend to show after fourth grade and may follow students through high school. A reading specialist or speech-language pathologist can teach students comprehension strategies.

 

 

Kriya Drill Techniques

Reading specialists highly recommend extensive drilling when children learn reading to head off or solve reading problems.  While the child is learning to read, drill consists of doing homework and then practicing further by repeating the same homework or by finding workbooks with similar material.

Once the child learns how to read, drill may be done by reading from the siddur or mishnayos and later, from Tehillim (which contains harder and less familiar words).  Additionally, there are books written in Hebrew which may be enjoyable to read and translate together. While most schools have sufficient fluency practice, it may be a good idea to occasionally listen to the child read.  If a 3rd/4th grader seems truly proficient, parents might stop the kriya practice but encourage the child to undertake shnayim mikra/echod targum (reading the parsha with Targum Onkelos).

Note that a child who struggles benefits more from repeated readings (as in reading the same Pasuk until it’s fluent) than from reading more Tehillim.

Tips for drill:

  • Keep it gentle: don’t pounce on mistakes. One technique is for the parent to put a finger under the letter or word being practiced and not to move it until the child reads it correctly.  Use lots of positive reinforcement to make the child feel good about his/her skills.
  • Accuracy should be worked on first. Once the child is accurate, the parent may try for speed and fluency.
  • If the child tires of reading, take turns reading, finger on the place, while the child follows along inside. Hearing someone read words is a beneficial drill.
  • Offer tiny prizes for each line (or word, if necessary): single winkies, chocolate chips…
  • Vary the drill by having the child read different portions of the page: e.g. all the words that start with daled, lines that have the letter ayin, or words that end with “nu”.
  • Ease up on the drill by having him/her read familiar parts of davening from the siddur.
  • Reread the same line or word several times: this is easier than constantly reading unfamiliar words and is an excellent way to increase fluency.
  • Try choral reading, in which first the parent reads, then the child reads along with the parent, and then the child reads on his/her own. This eases the decoding task.
  • During weekdays, especially long summer days, use technology: let the child record him/herself reading, use walkie/talkies, play a fanfare when s/he gets it right…

Depending on the child’s kriya level, it may be better to correct mistakes instantly, in order to avoid reinforcing incorrect reading or to wait for the end of a sentence, and ask the child to go back and find the errors.  For example, the parent may tell a more practiced reader: “You read the posuk very well, but two words weren’t perfect.  Can you please try again?” This approach may be better for building fluency and confidence in the reading.

Note: While improving kriya is important, it must not be done at the expense of the parent/child relationship.  Parents should keep in mind the child’s tolerance for drill and repetition and stop before s/he reaches the limit.

Getting Help

Reading problems rarely involve total inability to read.  Usually, the symptom is that the child reads slowly and haltingly.  The school may recommend the following interventions:

Resource Room

Many schools have specialists on staff to work individually or in small groups with children who have trouble acquiring the reading skill that their class is learning.  About a quarter of the students in an average Pre1A class are likely to be sent out for this extra help.   The resource room cannot remediate serious problems, since children are not allocated sufficient time for serious reading work.  However, parents can make better use of this resource when they diligently follow through on reading exercises assigned by the professional working with their child.  This includes spending the time assigned for reading practice, and adhering precisely to the assigned material which may have been carefully selected to help with a specific reading challenge.  It is also important to send feedback to the resource room about how the homework went.

Tutoring

While many reading issues can be resolved through extra drill, many parents don’t have the time, patience, or the expertise to work seriously and consistently with their children.  It may be more effective and easier on the parent/child relationship to hire someone to do the drill with their child.

The tutor need not have special expertise with reading.  S/he should be someone intelligent with good people skills who is able to work closely with the staff member who is supervising the child’s education at school.  A combination of resource room and tutoring should be effective to solve the common reading problems where some letters, vowels and combinations were never acquired properly by the child.  More serious problems need a more specialized approach and an experienced tutor or a reading specialist.

 

Reading Specialist

Reading specialists come from a variety of educational backgrounds.  They are often experienced educators who have taken one or more specialized courses on helping children learn how to read.  It is best to find a specialist who has learned more than one approach, since no single technique will help every child.

Sometimes, a child who reads with difficulty never learned to read properly.  Such a child may need to be taught the letters, vowels, and blending from scratch rather than focusing on specific weaknesses.  This may be discovered even with students in middle to upper grades.

Reading specialists charge from $40 to $80 for a 30 to 45-minute session and there should be at least two sessions per week.  In the long run the expense is worthwhile, since solving reading problems early allows a child to succeed in elementary school and may save the family expensive tutoring later.  Parents who cannot afford it may have the specialist assess their child and recommend exercises and teaching materials.  Either the parents or a less expensive tutor might follow through, with the specialist re-evaluating periodically.

Since reading remediation methods are so diverse, it may be necessary to try different specialists until the right approach is found for one’s child.

Other Interventions

Parents and reading specialists have found vision therapy, administered by some optometrists to be helpful for children with convergence and focusing problems.  These children typically have difficulty keeping their place when reading: lines of text run into each other.  They may also find reading to be tiring or that it leads to headaches.

Prism glasses have also been found effective to treat dyslexia associated with difficulty recognizing lettersm, although this is not a conventional use for this eyewear.

Working on vestibular system issues (sense of balance) with an occupational therapist also has been found to help with reading.

In general, professionals are helpful in finding the effective non-mainstream interventions.

Junior High

The junior high school years are an important window of opportunity to solve longstanding problems.  Children are more mature and able to work with a wider variety of literacy education approaches.

For boys, kriya issues are likely to be noticed as Bar Mitzva approaches.  This period is the peak motivation time for boys to improve their kriya.  If their son seems to take this seriously, parents may wish to focus Bar Mitzva preparation on leining rather than on making a siyum so that the boy is not distracted from mastering kriya.

Living with Literacy Challenges

While a child’s reading will almost always benefit from intervention and practice, not every reading problem can be solved in childhood or solved at all.  This puts the onus on parents to help their child develop successfully despite a reading or kriya handicap.

Some tips:

  • Don’t treat this child any different from the others; don’t focus on the reading issue unless actually working on it.
  • Memorize the necessary parts of davening
  • Prepare ahead the upcoming material: psukim, meforshim, mishnayos, gemara, etc.
  • Concentrate on comprehension – build on the strengths, even while continuing to work on improving the reading.
  • Don’t give up. Sometimes, older children (or even adults) who had no success with intervention when they were young will progress rapidly when they are older and given a new chance at serious intervention.

 

Cakes

This is an easy to make, light sponge-type cake.

Rachel’s Cake

4 eggs

3 Tablespoon water

1 cup sugar

½ tsp lemon extract

1 tsp vanilla

! cup flour

1 tsp baking powder

Mix the baking powder with the flour in the measuring cup.  Beat the eggs in the mixing bowl for a few seconds, add the water and sugar and beat at high speed for 10 minutes. Add the lemon extract and fold in the flour at low speed.

Transfer to a greased 9” square or round pan, preferably spring form. Bake at 350F for 20 minutes.