Children gain immensely from having close relationships with grandparents. A study conducted by the University of Oxford (https://www.ox.ac.uk/research/research-impact/grandparents-contribute-childrens-wellbeing) found that growing up with grandparents helps children cope better with adverse childhood experiences and trauma. Unfortunately, the Covid-19 pandemic has made it much more difficult for grandparents and grandchildren to get together.
This article provides tips and ideas to help grandparents and grandchildren develop solid relationships, with a focus on remote bonding. These tips may also be useful to promote bonding with uncles/aunts, mentors, and absent (e.g. divorced) parents or distanced relatives. To avoid confusion, we consistently refer to the oldest generation, which may include great-grandparents, as grandparents, the middle generation as parents, and the youngest generation as children.
Ideas for Parents
Model the Relationship
Grandchildren see that their parents value the grandparents when they frequently communicate with phone calls, video conferences, email, and text. Parents may also share stories about the grandparents, explain their accomplishments, and show pictures.
Children take their cues from their parents. Therefore, it is important to speak of the grandparents with respect and sensitivity. Try to use the grandparents’ experiences when teaching values or life skills.
Show that visiting the grandparents is a priority and try to build up a sense of excitement and anticipation before arrival. Parents may need to help grandparents prepare for the visit by planning ahead and making sure that there is age and hashkafically compatible toys and activities.
Prep the Grandchildren
Parents can start building a connection when the children are toddlers by showing them photos of the grandparents and telling them who is who. Photos may be laminated and put on a chain for the children to play with. It is also helpful for parents to mention grandparents regularly, e.g. we are making Bubby’s kugel recipe or Sabba taught me to do it this way.
Prep the Grandparents
It is easier for grandparents to “make conversation” with younger grandchildren if they are told (or texted) in advance about what is going on in the children’s lives.
Parents may also try to help grandparents think of special memories and family history to share with older grandchildren. A brainstorming session might help to come up with a list of ideas to recollect dormant stories begging to be told.
Encourage Children to Reach Out
Parents may encourage their children to view grandparents as resources. Grandchildren can tap grandparents for help with homework, puzzle solving, general knowledge, and so on. Cooking is a great way to bond remotely as grandparents can send recipes and guide grandchildren through culinary ventures.
Create & Send Videos
This is a fun activity in itself, providing a creative outlet for children. Daily activities, lively games, or skits may be recorded, uploaded, and sent to the grandparents.
Create a Family Newsletter or Book
Teenage grandchildren and cousins can coordinate this activity, especially during school breaks. The coordinator can obtain material from each grandchild: a picture, a comment, or a paragraph, updating the grandparents and creating a family snapshot that will be treasured years later.
The book or newsletter may be sent to the grandparent to read to the grandchildren over the phone or video-conference. Many (not all) children love to hear their own words read aloud.
Arrange Individual Visits
Where feasible, try to send one or two grandchildren for a day or a Shabbos with the grandparents rather than having the whole family go at once. It is also nice to coordinate joint visits with a cousin close in age; aside from cultivating bonding, this may make it easier for the grandparent to entertain the child. Before arranging such visits, parents need to assess whether the grandparents are physically and mentally up to hosting, feeding and entertaining children, especially, picky eaters or those who are easily bored.
Ideas for Grandparents
It is advisable to keep parents in the loop before trying these ideas. This is especially important before sending books and activities to the grandchildren. Grandparents also need to keep in mind the importance of treating grandchildren equally; consulting parents regularly may help grandparents avoid a perception of favoritism among their children.
Grandparents may want to keep in mind that it is not always within their power to build a relationship with the grandchildren. There are many variables that can affect each situation. Some efforts do not succeed. This does not make the grandparents into failures.
Using the Phone
Get a conference call number (they are available free on websites) to allow for reading to or schmoozing with grandchildren from multiple families. One grandmother purchased copies of a book for each of her children, so that she could read it over the phone to all the cousins at once.
Simple word games can be played over the phone such as finding words that rhyme, or looking for synonyms, homonyms, etc. These sorts of games promote literacy and increase vocabulary.
Family conference calls may also be used for sharing knowledge about family history. Grandchildren may take turns asking questions to be answered on the next call.
My neighbor had a lovely idea that enabled her mother to connect with the great grandchildren. Every Chanukah she would purchase the same children’s story book as a gift for each of her married children. Once a week, the young couples would call their grandmother, who would then read a follow-along bedtime story to her great grandchildren over the phone. This became so popular that neighborhood children, including my daughter, would go to my neighbor’s house to listen to the story.
Use the Post Office
Receiving an envelope addressed to them personally gives most children a thrill. Along with a few lines, grandparents may include stickers or an interesting page such as a cartoon, a puzzle from an activity book (e.g. a maze or hidden pictures) or some jokes. Aside from promoting bonding, this also provides conversation material for subsequent phone calls as grandparents follow up on the grandchildren’s reactions or as children call to thank the grandparent for the gift.
Video Conferencing Works
Zoom, Google Duo, Hangouts: these all allow grandparent and grandchild to see each other, while the grandparent reads to grandchild or grandchild shows his/her latest art project. Even toddlers like to smile and wave at the picture in the screen. Parents can hold up the phone while the grandparent and grandchild enjoy each other’s company.
If the children and grandparent use Zoom, hoopladigital.com allows a user to register their library card and download an electronic book that all zoom participants may look at together.
Video conferencing can also be used to play games remotely with older grandchildren. One way to help the generations get to know each other better is to play games like The UnGame, a non-competitive game designed to help people connect by presenting a variety of off-beat questions (a card game variant is available for $10).
Build on Your Strengths
Share hobbies and passions with grandchildren: animals, baking, board games, puzzles, mystery book, and creative arts. A challah baker, for example, might explore new recipes with a grandchild and try out different braiding and shaping techniques. Where these activities cannot be done together, grandparent and grandchild can experiment separately and compare notes over the phone.
Musically inclined grandparents may find grandchildren who are interested in learning new songs or in swapping music videos.
Gardeners may send seeds and instructions for how to germinate and plant them. This may “seed” conversation between the generations for weeks.
Send Used Books
There are websites which specialize in used books; https://www.betterworldbooks.com/ does not charge shipping and often runs promotions. They stock Jewish books, too; one needs to know title or author to find them. This allows grandparents to purchase a gift for their grandchildren for a small amount—under five dollars. Shipment to foreign countries is very reasonable.
Parents should be asked in advance for guidelines for choosing books; a good idea might be to provide a wish list of authors and series. When in doubt, the book can be addressed to the parent; just tell parents in advance that they should feel free to discard or donate books that they prefer not to have their children read.
Exchange Photos
Whether physical or over the computer, this is a nice way to share one’s interests and activities across the generations.
Write Memoirs, Collect Memorabilia
This is useful for older grandchildren, to help them see their grandparents in a fuller context and to feel connected to their family’s roots.
Give them Your Time
Grandchildren are most amenable to forming new relationships when they are young. The more quality time that grandparents spend with them, the more they will see them as important in their lives as they get older.
Grandparents can interest themselves in the minutiae of grandchildren’s lives, praising accomplishments, giving them morale support during difficulties, and generally boosting their egos. Grandchildren feel important when grandparents join them at milestone celebrations such as graduations and birthdays and at performances. When grandparents cannot attend in person, grandchildren may appreciate it if they acknowledge the event by calling or video conferencing where feasible.
When They Visit…
Try to make your home a happy place, with the grandchildren’s favorite treats and appropriate toys and books. Try to put away fragile or valuable possessions and to minimize opportunities for friction. If you don’t have the right toys or foods for the grandchildren, ask the parents to supply them. Good behavior may be reinforced through praise or little prizes, while negative behaviors, on short visits, ideally are ignored, since parenting and discipline should be done by the parents. Note that discipline issues need to be discussed ahead when grandchildren spend significant time alone with grandparents.
I once sent one of my grandchildren upstairs to a bedroom to calm down… he totally refused and stayed on the stairs. I ignored it. Later, I found out that he is scared to be alone in a bedroom and is usually sent to the stairs to calm down.
It is wonderful when grandparents can clear their calendar ahead of a visit, especially from grandchildren who live far away, so that everyone can spend the maximum time with each other. Preparing food ahead (or buying), using disposables, and ignoring the inevitable messes make the visit as pleasant as possible.
Keeping the Relationship Smooth
Everyone benefits when the generations get along. This usually requires all parties to do their best to be as understanding, empathetic, and forgiving as humanly possible.
Counselors, mentors, or the family Rav may be tapped to advise when parents or grandparents feel at loss on how to handle a challenging situation.
Some areas prone to raise tensions:
Cultural Differences
Grandchildren might live in a highly dissimilar environment than their parents grew up in due to differences in religious practice, living in different countries, or different economic situations. This may lead to misunderstandings between the generations. Wherever practical, parents should try to foresee potential pitfalls and prepare grandparents and grandchildren in advance. It may be necessary to consult a mentor or halachic authority when religious or hashakfic standards differ. When the parents and grandparents have solid relationships, differences will be bridged and awkward situations can turn into comic stories later.
Boundary Issues
Once they get married, children begin to separate from their parents, creating their own identity. Values, hashkafa, and parenting style may be different from that of their grandparents. Therefore, grandparents need to avoid trespassing on the parent’s prerogative of choosing how to raise their children.
Parents sometimes seem to expect grandparents to be available at all times. Not every grandparent wants to be on call 24/7 and parents should ascertain the grandparent’s wishes in advance.
Avoid comparing parents to siblings and grandchildren to their cousins; avoid comparisons between the two sets of grandparents.
Grandparents and parents, especially the daughter-in-law or son-in-law, may have different standards of privacy and resent sharing information.
Boundary issues may be managed gracefully if each party tries to be sensitive to nuances in the other’s behavior or demeanor. It is helpful to try to put oneself in the other party’s place to envision how they might feel about the relationship. Keeping in mind that people change as they age.
Disappointed Expectations
Grandparents or parents may have idealized expectations of how relationships with the grandchildren would develop. Not every grandparent is suited for playing with little children; some children are not good at relating to adults.
Younger siblings in a family may remember their parents as active, involved grandparents. Ten or fifteen years later, these grandparents might not have the same energy or enthusiasm. Older grandparents may wish that their children and grandchildren would have more time for them.
Parents or grandparents may try gently to explain their feelings; sometimes, problems are created unintentionally through miscommunication. However, verbalizing points of contention and communicating expectations can easily create rifts. Many times, the best strategy is to accept and make peace with these realities.
Favoritism to Siblings
Grandparents usually cannot treat each of their children and their families identically since circumstances vary. Interactions with children who live further must differ from those who live nearby. The relationship dynamic with daughters-in-law and sons-in-law is very different, too. Moreover, grandparents may need to “favor” one set of parents over another for reasons that they cannot share with the siblings: e.g. confidential medical conditions.
Where feasible, it is helpful for grandparents to explain to other siblings the circumstances behind their decisions to “favor” one of the parents. If they cannot disclose the reason, they should acknowledge that there is a reason for their behavior to make it easier for all parties to give the benefit of the doubt.
Complicated Grandparent/Parent Relationship
Tension between the generations is not uncommon, especially when the parent had a challenging childhood. It is best for all sides if the parent can let go and allow the grandparents to have a healthy relationship with their grandchildren. This is more complicated if the parents were, or felt they were, abused by the grandparents and they may need to consult a mentor or professional. Grandchildren should not be left alone with a grandparent if there is any possibility of abuse.
Parents might find it is helpful to keep in mind that many grandparents are better grandparents than they were parents.
Where There are Challenges…
Divorced Parents/Widows & Widowers
When custody is divided, each parent should be able to include their own parents in their children’s lives. In practice, relationships between ex-in-law’s vary. While some divorced parents try to remove their ex-in-laws from their children’s lives and milestones, others go out of their way to maintain their children’s connection with their “other” grandparents. Children benefit when they are able to continue their pre-divorce relationships.
Grandparents may find themselves more involved with their grandchildren after parents divorce since their son/daughter may need their help to make up for the absent spouse. If this places the grandparents closer to a parenting position, they may need to discuss discipline and other parenting issues with the parent.
Some of these issues apply also to single parent families where a spouse died. It is usually beneficial for all when the remaining parent helps the grandparents from the other side stay involved and connected with the children of their deceased child.
Blended Families
When parents divorce or when a widow/widower remarries someone with children, grandparents may find themselves part of a blended family. It is difficult to bring together two sets of children and form a healthy, contented new family unit.
Grandparents can play a positive role by befriending the step-grandchildren. It is highly recommended that grandparents treat all grandchildren, including the “new” ones, equally by giving the same types of presents to each. This may entail spending less per child, but the alternative is jealousy and hurt feelings that may never go way. Another option may be for grandparents to quietly give money directly to their biological grandchildren’s bank accounts; however, financial information of this sort always comes out at some point.
Re-married parents may also encourage their children to befriend the parents of their step-father/mother, and make them feel part of the family. Both generations have much to gain in forming new relationships.
Single Grandparents
This category includes widows, widowers, and divorcees, all of whom may be living alone and longing for time with the parents and grandchildren. Unfortunately, Covid-19 has drastically increased this category.
A grandparent who singlehandedly raised the parent may feel that s/he has priority over the other grandparents on enjoying nachas from the grandchildren. When the parent validates the grandparent’s claims and makes genuine efforts to include the grandparent, it becomes much easier to maintain harmony and reduce resentment.
It is very difficult to maintain a balance between divorced grandparents, giving each one his/her due, especially where there is ill-feeling between them. Parents are likely to need a mentor to guide them through complex situations.
Needy Grandparents
Children vary in how they are able to relate to fragile or sick grandparents. Where possible, it is beneficial on both sides to encourage interaction, and this can be very meaningful for the grandchildren. However, pushing a child too much can backfire.
Grandchildren are less likely to resent the time their parents spend taking care of a grandparent if the parents are meticulous in speaking about and treating the grandparent with the utmost respect. This may instill a sense of pride in the grandchildren, that they are part of a family with a strong sense of loyalty and duty.
A parent submitted the following:
Something my mother instituted when I was going every 3rd night to be with her for weeks on end: she gave me her credit card number and insisted that she treats my kids to a supper of their choice every time I had a shift. This continued even when she was in a coma. My kids looked forward to these pizza/sushi/takeout suppers even though they knew it meant that I would be gone for the night. Besides the compensation aspect of the suppers it also created a very positive memory for my kids of a very difficult time period.
Not everyone can afford this kind of expenditure, but even a small treat may suffice and create good will.
Missing Grandparents
Grandchildren are likely to feel a sense of missing something in their identity when there is a grandparent who died before they met. Parents can fill this gap by speaking about the grandparent, bringing him/her alive through stories, pictures, and memorabilia. This may entail seeking out relatives or friends of the deceased to interview before it’s too late.
Parents may do their children a favor by “adopting” grandparents. Chessed organizations often try to facilitate such relationships, since they are so beneficial to the older generation. There may also be warm, outgoing couples in the parents’ social circle who may be delighted to bond with other people’s children, especially when their own grandchildren live in other communities.
Conclusion
Grandparents are in a position to greatly enrich the lives of their grandchildren. Where parents facilitate bonding, they provide their children with the warmth of the elder’s love and the strength that comes from feeling rooted.
Parents and grandparents may need to keep in mind that however they try to maintain and/or build these relationships, outcomes are not necessarily going to be as positive as they hoped. It is best to make the most of what one can achieve, without being overly invested in success.