By chana

Yom Tov Preparation

Tips for menu planning, food storage, etc.

Some Broad Principles

Each Family is Unique

Families have different needs, different priorities, and different resources.  Therefore, parents are better off deciding which approach to Yom Tov works for them and their children rather than trying to keep up with the neighbors.  If they are in doubt about whether they are “doing Yom Tov right,” parents are best off discussing with their family Rav rather than trying to uphold standards that will not work for them.

Don’t Try to Do it All

Multi-course meals, varied foods, meals on china, a clean house, new clothing for everyone, guests, going to shul, and a simcha-dik atmosphere are incompatible goals for most families. This applies especially where there are young children, budget constraints, and/or parents working fulltime.  Mother, father, and the older children need to set priorities and come to an agreement on which tasks each will perform to attain mutually accepted goals.

Yom Tov Food vs. Shabbos Food

Our Shabbos food is usually richer than our weekday fare, containing more fat, sugar, and red meat.  While this is a nice change of pace l’kovod Shabbos, it is probably better to avoid eating this kind of food for three days straight.  One approach is to serve at each meal a special rich food in honor of Yom Tov along with healthier foods.

Don’t Expect Perfection

It may take a few years of “making Yom Tov” until parents get all the details right.  The main idea over Yom Tov is to enjoy what went right and to gloss over the mistakes.  After Yom Tov is over, it is helpful to think over the experience to decide what worked and what did not work.

Strategies

Plan Ahead

It is easier to be efficient when there is a menu plan, shopping lists, to-do lists, and a schedule.  A “Yom Tov” notebook is a convenient place to jot down these lists weeks before Yom Tov.  After Yom Tov, parents may insert feedback.  The following year, the notebook becomes a useful guide and reference.

Stick to a Few Basics

Parents who are under pressure may find meal preparation easier if they prepare large quantities of a few simple and popular foods, for instance, gefilte fish, roasted chicken, green beans, and rice, and serve them for each meal.  Variety may be added through last minute salads or purchased desserts.

Divide the Preparation with a Friend

Friends may decide to each make large quantities of a food and swap with each other.  If the families fit well together, they may take turns hosting some of the meals.

Menu Planning

On Yom Tov, most people usually eat less and prefer lighter, healthier foods, especially at night.   Therefore, smaller challos and smaller portion sizes for meats, starches and desserts may be sufficient, although it is safer to check with the family first.

Including the Children

Children often prefer different foods from their parents.  For a three-day Yom Tov, it is a good idea to keep the children’s tastes in mind and make sure that each meal includes the foods one’s children eat,  such as,  white challah, meatballs, noodles, cold cuts, cut up vegetables, and gefilte fish.  Spreading margarine, peanut butter, and/or jelly on challah extends its appeal to some children.  While these foods may not seem classy enough to be appropriate for a Yom Tov table, it is important that the children eat and that they feel included at the Yom Tov meal.

Meal Starters

For evening meals that start way after supper time, it makes sense to have either an appetizer or a soup, but not both.  Due to halachic considerations, it is very difficult to have food warm in time to start the meal on the second night of Yom Tov.  It is traditional to serve fish on Yom Tov meals.  While fresh or smoked fish is more expensive than gefilte fish, it may be stretched by presenting small pieces on a platter surrounded by cut vegetables, pickles, olives, etc.  Salads are also good starters.  A base of pre-checked (purchased or checked before Yom Tov) greens may be embellished at the last minute with nuts, craisins, olives, cold cuts, hearts of palm, tomatoes, etc.

Fruit soup is appreciated during hot weather.  Fruit salad is another alternative that may be put together quickly by cutting up a melon and adding canned fruit such as mandarin oranges or fruit cocktail.

Side Dishes

Rice, farfel, and orzo are easy to prepare in advance and warm up quickly in a pot with some liquid.  Kugels, sweet or savory, may be baked and frozen ahead.  They reheat best in the oven. If the family is willing to eat them, it is good to serve whole grains, such as brown rice, bulgur, or quinoa, in conjunction with or combined with white, refined starches.  Cooked potatoes do not warm up as readily as farfel; however, they are popular when cut up and hashed with some oil in a frying pan.

Vegetables

Vegetables are an important component of the Yom Tov diet.  They may be prepared in advance in the form of kugels, in which eggs are used to bind vegetables, such as spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, mushrooms, and peppers.  Vegetables, such as zucchini, green beans, or carrots, may be poached in a little water.   Vegetables may also be roasted or cooked in advance: cut up onions, tomatoes, peppers and/or zucchini tossed with oil and a little salt go well together.  Frozen French-cut string beans with slivered almonds are an easy classic.  Stir fries may be prepared in advance or at the last minute: snow peas, mushrooms, thinly sliced carrots, and canned baby corn work well together.

Canned vegetables, such as beans, corn, or string beans may be tossed together to make a quick and substantial salad.

Meats

While it is a mitzvah to serve meat at Yom Tov meals, it is easier on the digestion to limit quantities and on the budget to stick to less expensive cuts.  Brisket deckle, one of the cheapest forms of roast, when sprinkled with onion soup powder, wrapped in foil and baked at 300 degrees for 2 to 3 hours, becomes tender and tasty.  Meatballs are often appreciated as a change of pace from chicken or roasts.  Raw boneless chicken cutlets may be sliced thin and marinated in salad dressing for up to 24 hours and then stir-fried or poached in a corn-starch thickened sauce.  Or, they may breaded and fried into schnitzel or sesame chicken.  Little children may be more likely to eat if the meal includes a hot dog.

Desserts

Fruit, whether fresh cut or cooked in compotes, is a great way to add fiber, nutrition, and hydration to the Yom Tov meal.  The fruit may be supplemented by cookies to provide a more festive dessert.  Fruit may also be baked with flour, sugar, and/or oatmeal into crisps, cobblers, kugels, kuchens, and crunches.  A healthier alternative is to pit and slice the fruit and bake it with sugar or honey and some juice until it softens.

Sweet potatoes (yams) may be baked into pies for decadent desserts with some nutrition.  Ices and sorbets are a lighter alternative to ice cream.

It may be healthier and save time to drop the dessert course entirely, after discussing with the rest of the family.   However, family members may end up scavenging in the kitchen to satisfy their craving for sweets.

Food Storage

It may be a challenge to find room in the refrigerator for three days of food.  Some foods may be shifted to the freezer if it has free space.  More space may be created in the refrigerator if the family cleans out the fridge, discarding marginal food items, finishing others, and repackaging bulky foods.  Two weeks before Yom Tov, parents may decide to refrain from buying large quantities of any perishable not needed for Yom Tov.

A compact way to store cooked perishable food is to put it in twist tie plastic bags after it cools.  For added security against leaks, use two bags.  The bags may be labeled and stuffed into the back of the refrigerator.  This works well for meat, pasta, grains, and vegetables; however, raw cut fruit keeps better in containers.

Another method to stretch refrigerator space is to buy unripe fruit, pineapples, and melons, and let them ripen outside the refrigerator until needed.  These items keep longer if put on racks or in baskets that permit air circulation below and around them.  A basement, garage, or den that maintains a somewhat cool temperature may be pressed into service to store potatoes, hard squash, garlic, onions, bananas, and sweet potatoes for about a week.  Note: inedible fruit or vegetables may be muktzeh on Shabbos or Yom Tov.

Dessert Recipes

Fruit Cobbler Recipe

Adapted from Better Homes & Gardens

Relatively low fat and low sugar for a dessert, it doubles readily, and it doesn’t spend too much time in a hot oven.  Cobblers freeze well.

4 cups fresh fruit: cherries, blueberries, apples, peaches, etc. (use one kind only)

¾ cup sugar

1 Tablespoon corn or potato starch

1/3 cup water

Process the fruit, removing pits, peeling apples, and if appropriate, slice into quarter inch slices. Combine the fruit, sugar, starch and water in a pot.  Cook over a low flame, stirring, until liquid is thickened and bubbly and fruit is a little soft.  Berries usually take 3 – 5 minutes to cook, cherries, 5 -10, and apples and peaches approximately 15 minutes or more, depending on ripeness—make sure to test.  Keep the pot warm, while making the biscuit topping.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Prepare the biscuit topping:

1 cup flour

2 Tablespoons sugar

1 ½ teaspoons baking powder

¼ teaspoon salt

¼ cup margarine

1 slightly beaten egg

¼ cup milk: non-dairy creamer, soy, rice or almond work fine

Stir together the dry ingredients.  Cut in the margarine until mixture becomes crumbly.  Combine egg & liquid ingredient; and add all at once to dry ingredients, stirring just until all ingredients are moist.

Put fruit filling into an 8 or 9 inch greased round pan and immediately spoon mounds of batter all over on top. Bake 20 minutes, or until top is slightly browned.  Unless the pan has very high (3 inch+) sides, it’s a good idea to put the baking pan inside a rimmed baking sheet to catch the juices if they overflow during baking.

Rhubarb-Compote

straight from the freezer

Cover the bottom of a stainless steel pot with white grape juice. Add in equal numbers as many bags of frozen strawberries and frozen rhubarb as needed. Bring slowly to a boil, add sweetener (e.g. sugar, honey) to taste, and cook on low heat until tender.

Instant Sorbet

using the food processor

2 frozen ripe bananas cut in small chunks

1 cup frozen strawberries

Juice of 1 lime or lemon

3 Tablespoons (or more, to taste) sweeteners: honey, blue agave nectar or fine sugar.

Place the fruit in the food processor bowl.  Add the citrus juice and sweeteners. Pulse and mix until you get the consistency of a sorbet.

It is ready to eat or can be frozen for later. Other frozen fruit with a strong flavor can be substituted for the strawberries. Serves about five but the quantities can be multiplied as many times as needed.

Strawberry whip

This is a delicious stand-by dessert, as long as you have frozen strawberries, with or without syrup, in your freezer.  The recipe works even if you use a sugar substitute. The result is a really low calorie and low carbohydrate dessert.

2 egg whites

1package frozen strawberries, with or without syrup

1Tablespoon of lime or lemon juice

¾ c sugar or artificial sweetner, omit if using strawberries in syrup.

 

Place all the ingredients in large mixer bowl and beat at the highest speed for 10 minutes.  Cover the mixer with a towel to prevent splashes. The whip should be placed in the freezer until serving. At serving time, you can pass around some sweetened mashed strawberries as topping.

Preparing Yom Tov–Starting Early

In the middle of the summer, Rosh Hashana and Sukkos seem a long way off.  Yet, they will arrive, and this year, the calendar configuration is three day Yomim Tovim for Rosh Hashana, and the first and last days of Sukkos.  We plan to provide tips over a few articles to help families enjoy the upcoming Yomim Tovim.

While summertime is too early for many Yom Tov preparations, it is a good time to start baking or cooking to stocking the freezer. While parents with a spare freezer will benefit the most from tips in this article, those who have only their fridge-top freezer may find that they can make a little extra room for Yom Tov food.  Parents who spend Yom Tov with the grandparents may offer to send food during the summer to their freezer to make it easier to feed their family when they come over.  It may even make sense to split the cost of a freezer with the grandparents if they have space for it and the parents do not.  However, it is probably not worth it to freeze food ahead if the home is subject to blackouts.

What to Freeze Ahead?

Challah, cake, cookies, most kugels and pies freeze well.  On the savory side, chicken soup, meat balls, schnitzel, potato knishes, meat, chicken and kreplach may also be frozen.  Certain foods, such as mushrooms, change texture when frozen; check with friends when in doubt.

Given the constraints of limited time and freezer spaces, parents need to set priorities.

Budget

Can homemade food substitute for expensive prepared foods?  Most prepared Yom Tov treats, including cookies, iced cakes, and cupcakes may be duplicated in the home kitchen for far less than the store bought version.

Another approach is to stock up on meat and chicken when on sale over the summer.  Based on experience, parents may set a “floor price”: when the food hits this price, it’s time to purchase.  Meats may be cooked or roasted before freezing.

Health

During the summer, parents may decide how healthy the family will eat over Yom Tov.  Assuming that family members are willing to consume them, parents may choose to prepare fruit-based desserts, whole grain snacks, granola, and (partially) whole wheat challah. Summer is when blueberries, cherries, and plums are cheapest and available to be baked into crisps, cobblers, kugels, and pies, all healthier than most cake.   Other homemade snacks may be prepared in a more healthy way than the store bought version.

Enhancing Yom Tov

Are there treats that cannot be found in stores?  Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies are surprisingly hard to find.  Recipes exist for homemade versions of candy bars such as Mars bars and peanut butter cups.  By using parve chocolate chips and margarine, the family may enjoy parve versions of these treats.

Are there fussy eaters in the family who need their food cooked “just so”?  It may be easiest to cook and freeze meatballs ahead for children who do not eat “regular” chicken or beef.

Involving the Children

Baking or cooking with the children may be a wonderful bonding experience.  Children enjoy feeling needed and may take pride in their accomplishments in the kitchen.  Moreover, Yom Tov feels more special when one has invested in the preparation.  However, parents need to think ahead in order for food preparation with the children to be a pleasant experience.

Keep It Simple

It is better to avoid trying out new or complicated recipes with younger children.  When doubling the recipe, work out the arithmetic in advance, perhaps with a budding mathematician, and mark the altered quantities on the recipe itself.

Lower Expectations

When inexperienced cooks are involved, cookies may not be well shaped, and meatballs, not as round.  Or, everything will look perfect, but will take four times as long.  Food preparation with beginners should be viewed as spending time with the children, rather than as “getting things done”.

Get the Right Equipment.

Even children who are too young to use peelers or knives may be able to help if provided with the right gadgets.  These include crank-operated peelers, onion choppers, cherry pitters, and vegetable slicers.  Parents should keep in mind that these utensils all have sharp parts; setup and cleanup may still need to be performed by adults.  Alternatively, children may help with the measuring, pouring, and mixing.

If mother is an incurable perfectionist or finds too many helping hands stressful, it may be better to either prepare food when the children are out or invite the children to “hang out” in the kitchen rather than help.

Keeping the Kitchen Cool

Heating up the kitchen and living areas by running the oven is not a good idea during a heat wave.  The heat effect may be mitigated by putting an exhaust fan in the kitchen window and shutting the kitchen door.  Alternatively, stove top dishes do not heat up the house as much as those cooked in the oven.

Other ways to beat the heat are to reserve baking for early morning, late evening, or for cooler, rainy days.  Some ingredients may be prepared in advance, combined, and heated when the temperature goes down. Some recipes even allow for the freezing of the ingredients raw and cooking later.

Click here for our fruit cobbler recipe.

Cleaning for Pesach with Little Children

Preparing the house for Pesach is a yearly challenge for many housewives.  When there are young children, the task is more complicated, since little children cannot be relied on to follow rules and chometz might be lying anywhere in the house.  In addition, children need care during Pesach preparation time, and they are off from school during the critical week before Pesach.  In this article, compiled from interviewing experienced homemakers and other community members, we provide ideas and tips to make cleaning for Pesach less stressful for the entire family.

Why “Make Pesach”?

Many young couples have the option of spending the entire Pesach with their parents.  Nevertheless, couples should consider the reasons to make Pesach in the early years of their marriage.  Practice makes the process easier and younger parents often have more time, energy and flexibility than they will have later.  When couples keep postponing making their own Pesach, the task builds itself up into something they feel incapable of accomplishing later on.

Moreover, life is unpredictable: due to pregnancy, changes in family dynamics, or other events; the family may not have the option to go to the grandparents the following year.  In addition, some children do not travel well and have trouble sleeping or behaving properly in a different environment. It may be worthwhile to create the capability to spend Pesach in one’s own home this year, by preparing the house for chol hamoed, so that spending the Yom Tov at home is a more feasible option in the future.

Young parents sometimes make Pesach in their own home in order to provide their children with a seder customized to their age, temperament, and interests.  This is something to discuss with a Rav or mentor, since making one’s own seder means giving up the mesora one gains from a multi-generational seder at the grandparents.

 

“Don’t Throw the Kids Out with the Chometz”

This quote from a community Rav neatly sums up the balance parents need to strike between preparing a Pesach that is kosher vs. a Pesach that is sameach (joyful).  It violates the spirit of Pesach when the yom tov acquires bitter associations of anger and tension between the parents and children.  The best way to mitigate this potential is to plan ahead.

Speak with a Rav

Parents need to decide how much of the house they are going to clean and how they are going to clean it.  There are different standards and methods for preparing a place for Pesach.  Typically, parents of young children are under perennial stress due to sleep deprivation and the physical demands of childcare. Therefore, it may be a good idea for them to adopt a less ambitious and less labor intensive Pesach cleaning.  It is helpful to consult a Rav at the outset to strike the correct balance between responsibility to halacha and the need to maintain the physical and emotional health of the family.  The Rav should be able to direct the parents to a Pesach preparation guide that is right for them.

Before speaking with their Rav, parents should think about the specific challenges their family faces.  Listing the number of children and their ages does not give an accurate picture of the family’s situation, since children vary considerably in their obedience, neatness, and need for attention.  Parents, too, vary in energy level, availability, and ability to cope with stress.   Financial resources, i.e. the ability to hire help and buy prepared food, and human resources, i.e. relatives who can take care of the children or feed the family the Shabbos before Pesach, also differ.  A family that finds it difficult to keep up with meals, laundry, and normal Shabbos preparation should make this clear to their Rav.

Plan Ahead

Once parents have decided what must be done to prepare for Pesach, they need to determine how they will accomplish it.  This includes deciding how much to budget for expenses such as cleaning help, babysitting, or eating out.  It also includes scheduling the different tasks.

Think About Logistics

When should the car be clean enough to buy Pesach groceries?  How will the stroller, the car seat, the van, and the couch stay chometz-free once they are thoroughly cleaned?

Parents should also consider how much of the kitchen should be made Pesach-dik.  Every cabinet and every surface devoted to Pesach use must be emptied, cleaned and/or covered; after Pesach, the process must be reversed.  It pays, therefore, to minimize the area to turn over.   A great labor saver is to close off the cabinets and set up a table in an adjoining room to hold Pesach supplies.

Meals Before Pesach

The family needs to eat during Pesach cleaning, and even when the kitchen is turned over.   Many families buy Pesach-dik snacks and convenience foods.   Some mothers try to make this stressful time more cheerful by purchasing Pesach-dik treats and fast food they would not permit the rest of the year.  The advantage of giving the children kosher l’Pesach snacks is if crumbs are found in a “cleaned” room, they are likely to be non-chometz.  Mother may also cook Pesach-dik food for the family and/or offer non-chometz snacks such as fruit, cheese, or yogurt.

Another approach is to set up a self-contained chometz area, usually in the basement or garage, equipped with table, chairs, toaster oven, and/or a burner and a mini-refrigerator.  Either the area is cleaned after each use or the family must allocate time on Erev Pesach to clean it thoroughly.  If they do not need the area for Yom Tov, they may be able to sell it.

Make Lists

After consulting a calendar, parents may create a count-down of the tasks that need to be accomplished by sun-down Erev Pesach.  Shopping lists, too, may be generated in advance.  The goal is to be able to work when there is free time rather than having to stop and think.  Lists may be reused from year to year; keeping them in a notebook or on the computer makes this easier. It is useful to add “post scripts” after Pesach to note what worked well and what to change the following year.

Reserve Help 

If parents have regular cleaning help, they should try to increase the hours before Pesach.  If they do not have cleaning help, they should begin looking for some well ahead of time.  Cleaning services and carpet cleaners get booked weeks ahead of Pesach.  Note: It is difficult to book a cleaning lady to clean just for Pesach and they sometimes do not show up for a non-regular client.  Cleaning services are more reliable, but much more expensive.  An alternative may be to ask a friend who is not cleaning for Pesach to “lend” her cleaning help.

Parents should also try to find extra babysitting before Pesach.  Younger daughters may be available, since older siblings take care of a large portion of the cleaning.  Reaching out to even an eight year old neighbor may be worthwhile, as s/he may be able to entertain the kids while the parents work.

Shop Ahead

If there is a secure area to store things for Pesach, parents may begin shopping for the equipment they know they will need: pots, peelers, knives, etc.  It may also be worthwhile to begin shopping for non-perishables, especially if they are on sale.  Kosher meat and poultry tend to be kosher for Pesach all year round; if there is free, clean space in the freezer, it may pay to stock up.

“Spring Clean”

Mothers frequently combine spring cleaning with Pesach cleaning, because the tasks often mesh well and it’s nice to have a clean house for Yom Tov.  The problem is that spring cleaning expands the task of chometz removal, tiring the parents, and stressing the family.  A compromise is to begin spring cleaning well before Pesach, perhaps around Tu B’Shvat.  After  Purim is a good time to switch to chometz removal.

Certain types of spring cleaning are useful preparation for Pesach.  Getting rid of clutter in closets and drawers make the task of bedikas chometz much easier and more effective.  Removing and washing drapes and linens sometimes exposes concealed chometz.  Washing the light fixtures and wiping the windows and the moldings is less relevant to Pesach preparation and might be skipped or rescheduled for another time of the year.

 

 

When & Where to Begin

The general approach to Pesach cleaning is to start at the periphery, that is, the areas furthest from the kitchen and work one’s way to the kitchen via the living room and dining room until “turnover” time.  The main concern here is the likelihood that more chometz will enter a cleaned area after it has been declared chometz-free.  Much depends on the age and personality of the children—do they tend to wander with chometz?  How likely are they to stash food?   Some children actively seek out their favorite chometz foods, even climbing to reach high cabinets.

For such families, it is a wasted effort to clean for Pesach (as opposed to spring cleaning) until a week or two before Yom Tov.  At that point, they may need to “blitz” through the house possibly into the early morning hours.  They might find it useful to begin their Pesach cleaning in areas less accessible or less interesting to the children: upper cabinets and upper shelves.

Pesach cleaning may begin with cleaning the less essential kitchen items, such as cookie cutters or specialized equipment, and putting them away in sealed bags.  It is easier to work on the kitchen if parents commit themselves relatively early to stop baking before Pesach.  Mother may spend the week after Purim preparing and freezing casseroles to eat during the hectic week before Pesach.  Pack the meals in microwave safe containers, so they can be reheated even after the oven is Pesach-dik.  This is also a good time to take a thorough inventory of the refrigerator and pantry, discarding chometz that is unlikely to be consumed, and deliberately consuming what is still usable.  This saves much time during the critical turnover process.

The Toys

Less used toys may be cleaned and put away weeks before Pesach and given back to the children when the house is Pesach-dik.  Small pieces, such as lego and clicks, may be put into a tied-up pillow case and washed with the laundry (try this with small quantities first).  Another option is to sell all or most of the toys rather than cleaning them and give the children a special set of Pesach toys.  During the year, parents may save gifts, especially duplicates of toys they already own, for this purpose.  Children are usually excited when the Pesach toys reappear.

Using Cleaning Help

Hired help makes cleaning for Pesach much easier, however, parents must realize that the help knows how to clean, but not how to get rid of chometz.  They are not familiar with all the foods that must be discarded (they’ll wipe the barley jar and put it back into the pantry).  They also may not understand our priorities, spending excessive time scrubbing the moldings rather than vacuuming the crevices in the upholstered chairs.  Cleaning women are usually most effective when cleaning appliances, floors, and kitchen chairs.  It is imperative to give the help detailed instructions, to supervise as they clean, and to inspect carefully as they finish different tasks.  This is more difficult when using a cleaning service that sends a whole crew to “do the house” in a few hours.

Involving the Children

Children are more likely to cooperate and to absorb the Pesach experience if they are involved with preparing for the Yom Tov.  However, it is not healthy when older children feel that their help is utterly essential and that their parents cannot manage without them.  Parents should plan with the children in mind to decide how to use their help productively.

Playing Pesach-themed CD or DVDs spreads a positive mood in the house, whether or not the children are actually helping with the cleaning.  Singing Pesach songs as they work together enhances the experience.  By trading CD/DVDs with the neighbors, families may increase their options.

Little Children

Little children are usually excited to help clean for Pesach.  Even two year olds may be equipped with rags and spray bottles filled with water and told to wash walls and other surfaces.  Preschoolers may be put into the bathtub (with supervision) with soapy water and toys and instructed to scrub them clean for Pesach.  Weather permitting; the kids may hose down large toys and plastic items, such as tables and chairs.  This procedure is more effective when dirtier items are first smeared with soft scrub.  Once they learn to write, children may create “No Chometz” signs to label rooms and areas as they are cleaned for Pesach.  This also enhances awareness and compliance with pre-Pesach rules.

Older Children

As they age, children are often less excited to help for Pesach.  However, they may help clear the accumulation in their rooms and put away toys and books for after Pesach.  Many parents motivate children to clean the car by allowing them to keep any money that they find.  One mother “seeds” an area to be cleaned, such as a book case, with funny items, to make sure that the children actually do go through the whole area.  A treat-filled party is a nice way to reward children for a few hours of hard work.

Note: Make sure to check the children’s’ cleaning work.

Tips and Strategies

Prioritize

The regular cleaning and household chores should be reduced so that the parents and the help focus on Pesach cleaning.  Mother may have to do more of the everyday housework while the help cleans out the fridge.

Reduce the Scope for Chometz Mess

Sometime after Purim, eliminate the tiny chometz items, such as Cheerios, crackers or soup nuts, that get distributed all over the house.  Potato chips and the like might substitute for these few weeks.

Create Blocks of Time for Cleaning

Most mothers cannot work efficiently on the “serious” Pesach cleaning when the children are around.  Either the parents stay up very late the nights before Pesach and/or they have the husband take the children out.  Kid-swaps, where friends or neighbors take turns hosting all the children, are an inexpensive way to find a chunk of time, especially when the children are off from school the week before Pesach.

Check the Chometz Hangouts

 Families with little children typically find much chometz in strollers (and their basket), diaper bags, knapsacks, coats, high chairs, play pens, car seats, and the children’s desks.  Generally, any place in which a young child spends time is likely to have food—the couch, the area that s/he stands while looking out the window, the bed, or the comfy chair.  Toy kitchens, trucks with cargo areas, toy pocket books, heating vents, and behind radiators are other classics.

High chairs are easier to clean by giving them a shower or a bath.  Strollers may be hosed down outdoors, with the pads washed on the gentle cycle and hung to dry.  Some families buy an inexpensive high chair just for Pesach.

Moving furniture and storage boxes may uncover more chometz, but check with a Rav to determine if it’s necessary.  In a process similar to child-proofing, parents should try to examine their rooms from a toddler’s point of view for handy places to put food when they are done.

Avoid Extra Work

Clearing out all the chometz requires physical energy and mental alertness when there are little children around.  Therefore, parents must avoid burning themselves out through unnecessary scrubbing, since this may cause them to skip that crucial last minute check of the swimming bag that unearths the granola bar.

Getting Ready for Shabbos On Time

Preparing for Shabbos is in an integral part of the Shabbos experience.  Shalom Bayis, among parents and between parents and children, is an essential component of the preparation process.  This article discusses constructive approaches, tips and strategies to smooth the process of getting everything ready in time for candle lighting

Establishing Family Priorities

Should the family find that tensions often rise on Friday, they may need to rethink their Shabbos preparation and look at the broad picture of how they want their Shabbos to look and feel.  It is good to begin the discussion between the parents, and then to seek out the viewpoints of the older children.  Once the family has agreed about what is important to them, they can openly and explicitly discuss how to attain the Shabbos they desire.  It may be necessary for family members to forego something in order to have some of their preferences met.

For example, it often makes sense to reduce the time spent preparing Shabbos food by using simpler recipes, cutting down on variety, or cooking ahead and freezing.  Moreover, there may not be enough time on Friday afternoon to completely tidy or clean the house in time for candle lighting.  If finances allow, one method for “making” more time is to hire help or to purchase prepared foods.

The atmosphere in the home should not be compromised. Shabbos preparation should be joyful, with everyone pitching in the best possible way they can.  If family members are not “on the same page”, it is better to cut down on the preparation than to allow resentment to build.

While mother may enjoy preparing elaborate recipes in honor of the Shabbos, it is a good idea for her to monitor whether this is coming at the expense of spending time with the children during the week. Parents may also want to ask themselves whether they are exhausting themselves in their enthusiasm to prepare Shabbos and falling asleep at the meal.

Rethinking Shabbos Preparation

A family conference or one-on-one meetings with the children may help identify bottlenecks, less necessary tasks, and stress points.  Once parents better understand the dynamics of their family, they are able to create a plan to smooth Shabbos preparation, drawing perhaps on some of the tips and strategies outlined below.  The entire family may be more willing to pitch in if they understand the general strategy and priorities. The plan may need to be updated as conditions change, such as a parent taking on longer hours at work or a more complicated car pool.

Including the Family in Shabbos Preparation

Responsibility for running the household and for “making Shabbos” tends to fall on the mother. A working father may not be able to do more than set up the candles when he arrives home on Friday.  It may be best to discuss this and reach a realistic agreement, rather than expecting more than he can give.  The husband should be realistic, too, and expect less in terms of the Shabbos food or the condition of the house.

On the other hand, it is important for the children’s chinuch to involve them in Shabbos preparation, even if their help is not needed, in order to include them in the Shabbos experience, to teach them life skills, and to inculcate the habit of helping. Tasks that are often appropriate for children include peeling vegetables, picking up toys, stacking books, taking out garbage, folding laundry, vacuuming floors, and wiping surfaces.  It is better for a child’s chinuch if his or her involvement in Shabbos preparation takes place only in a harmonious atmosphere.  Otherwise, it is better that the child(ren) entertain themselves quietly and stay away from the tension.

Working with each family member’s strengths and preferences makes this easier.  Erev Shabbos is probably not the time to “stretch” children by asking them to perform tasks they dislike or to work with siblings with whom they do not get along.  It is important to be realistic about what little children can do by themselves.  They may be willing to clean up their toys, for example, but it might not happen unless mother works with them.  Singing Shabbos songs or playing music sets a nice atmosphere.

Incentives are also useful—if everyone is showered and ready half hour before Shabbos, they get a treat, for example.  The treat need not be food: children appreciate a relaxed mother spending the time after candle lighting reading a story or playing a game.

Food Strategies

Most time saving tips involve cooking the food ahead of time.    Nearly anything that is cooked or baked will keep for most of the week if stored in airtight conditions in the back of the refrigerator away from the opening and closing door, although it is preferable to cook at the latter part of the week to increase the shelf life of leftovers.  Using twist-tie plastic bags works well and makes the food more compact to store in the fridge.  Make sure to label the food “For Shabbos Only” if other family members might consume it.

The Freezer

Some women find it worthwhile to cook or bake large quantities of challah or chicken soup on Sundays to stock the freezer.  Another way to stock the freezer is to double recipes and freeze the extra.  Leftover cake or dessert may be frozen right after Shabbos.  Most baked goods: challah, cake, cookies and kugels freeze very well; however, potato kugel is best defrosted for an hour or more in the oven.

There may be family members who object to eating food from the freezer.  In such cases, it might be worthwhile to determine the cause.  Some possible reasons may be that the wrong foods are being frozen, the food is not defrosted the right way, or the freezer may have taken on a stale odor that transfers to stored food.  Cleaning out the freezer is helpful, as is inserting a package of baking soda and changing it regularly.

Keeping Stocked

It is very useful to keep a few items in the freezer, the pantry, or the fridge, such as gefilte fish, frozen chicken and cholent meat. canned and frozen vegetables, grape juice, challah, etc. These may be pressed into service if there is no time to shop for Shabbos that week.

Emergency Fridays happen, whether it’s a child landing in the emergency room or a parent stuck in traffic.  It is useful to work out in advance which foods to draw on from the freezer, the fridge, or the pantry in such circumstances.  Soup may be defrosted, gefilte fish taken from a jar, potatoes from a can, and salad created from frozen or canned vegetables at the last minute.

Lists and Planning

Permanent Lists

There are tasks that need to be accomplished every Shabbos.  The family may create lists, one for each room or one for each member, which may be stored on the computer and printed regularly.  If a list is shared among the family, everyone must check off their tasks as they finish them. A great advantage of a detailed list is that it allows people to use even very short bits of time productively.  For example, five spare minutes before going to carpool, may be used to open cans or take foods from the freezer.

Weekly Lists

Many women find that planning Shabbos menus on Sunday or Monday increases their efficiency.  Once the menu is determined, recipes may be checked and shopping lists created for each of the that stores the family uses.  It is useful to maintain a small notebook with a page for each day of the week.  This way, the different tasks involved in preparing for the Shabbos may be jotted down days in advance.  Such a list is more realistic if the time needed for different tasks, including recipes, are noted.  It is helpful to work out in advance when various tasks need to be done, rather than having to think this through while harried.

This technique works best if the family knows early in the week whether they are having company.  Guests may be invited over a week in advance and confirmed early in the week to facilitate planning.  Alternatively, mother may use a few items from the freezer or the pantry for the guests.

Time Management

Partner with a Friend

Friends may agree to each making double quantities of foods such as cake, kugels, or challah and trading the extra.  This allows each family to have more variety for Shabbos.  Another technique is to shop for each other, provided that accounts are easily kept separate (using school scrip may help).  One partner may handle Kosher Konnection, for example, while the other takes care of Costco.

Focus

Fridays run smoothest when they are used for Shabbos preparation rather than doctors’ appointments, errands, etc.  (This is not always practical, we realize, if children are only available on Friday afternoon).

Shabbos Clothing

It is a good idea to do laundry earlier in the week so that it is available in time for changing into before Shabbos.  When bringing Shabbos clothes to the dry cleaner, jot down the pickup date on a calendar or to-do list.  Otherwise, someone may find themselves without a suit minutes before Shabbos.

Bath/Shower Strategies

While it’s nicer to get clean on Erev Shabbos, it pays during the winter months to have younger children take their Shabbos bath on Thursday night.    Mother or older children may find it more convenient to rise a little early on Friday mornings to shower.  Those who bathed/showered the night before may give themselves a quick refresh before Shabbos.  This avoids the bathroom bottleneck and running out of hot water on Erev Shabbos.

Tidying

Surfaces can be cleared on Thursday or even Wednesday evening.  If the kitchen tablecloth is changed for Shabbos, it may be changed on Friday morning to avoid a last minute rush.

Polishing silver may be a task to eliminate for families that are often strapped for time.  The silver may be put away for when life gets easier, or it may be coated with a tarnish resistant film (rhodium-ized).

While children are able to sweep, most kids enjoy using a Swiffer to clean floors.  Lysol wipes may be used with gloves to wipe down countertops.  Children may be taught to use a damp mop (skip the bucket) to give the kitchen floor a last minute touchup.

Using Thursday

While many women prepare Shabbos food on other days of the week, Thursday is usually the main time for preparing for Shabbos aside from Friday. For some parents, staying up very late on Thursdays works best, giving them peace of mind by the time they go to bed; for others, it pays to go to bed earlier and wake up early on Friday.

It is best to accomplish some Shabbos preparation on Thursday, even if one is very busy that day, to simplify the logistics of the stove and oven.  Certain food preparation tasks, like soup or gefilte fish or roasts do not require much work but do tie up a flame or the oven for extensive periods of time.  The chicken may be defrosted, cleaned, and processed on Thursday night, spend the night in fridge, and go straight into the oven on Friday afternoon.  Similarly, a raw cholent may sit refrigerated in the crock pot insert overnight.

Thursday’s supper may be coordinated with Shabbos preparation.  For example, mother may prepare a large batch of mashed potatoes, some of which will be used to make knishes for Shabbos.  Fresh soup chicken or vegetables might work as Thursday’s supper if these are not generally served on Shabbos.   Vegetables may be boiled for supper and made into kugel for Shabbos.  While many families serve something simple and milchig on Thursdays, working only with fleishig simplifies kitchen management.

Starting Early on Friday

Start early on Friday morning to get things going: cleaning the chicken, making the challah dough, setting up the soup, or cooking the gefilte fish.  Anything that will not be undone should be done early in the day: e.g. pre-Shabbos phone calls, laying out Shabbos clothing, setting Shabbos clocks, pre-opening food, beverages or paper goods, or setting up the candles.  Setting the table in advance works for some families even if children rearrange things a little.

Setting a Firm Deadline

Mother may decide that no recipes are started two hours before Shabbos.  This may necessitate leaving items off the menu or taking foods from the freezer, but it sets a limit to food preparation and allows the family to wind down the cooking and begin the cleanup.  Sticking to such a policy also conveys a message to the family about priorities.

Simplify Ruthlessly

A family that finds Shabbos preparation demanding should consider stripping down preparation to bare essentials.  Parents may determine a very simple menu: no kugels, leave out a course, strictly one vegetable—and stick to this regime.  This may be the best way to manage when there is a new baby or during the years when there are many small children in the house and no help.  Supplementing the regular menu with a treat each Shabbos allows parents to add a little “wow factor” to the meals.

Conclusion

Preparing Shabbos is a spiritual experience for the entire family.  When a family reshapes their Erev Shabbos by communicating, identifying bottlenecks, creating a plan, and implementing it, they strengthen their observance of Shabbos and their relationships.  The skills and optimism generated by this process are useful when encountering other challenges in the future.

Housekeeping Tips

Ideas to help parents juggle the children and the housework

As parents, we are, by necessity, housekeepers and managers, since we need to provide food, shelter, and clothing for the children.  It is a time intensive challenge to keep children supplied with these physical necessities while attending to their emotional, spiritual, and scholastic needs.   This article contains tips and methods to help parents set priorities and allocate less time and effort for less essential tasks.  The underlying principle is that parents often do not have time to do everything the “right” way.  It is more important for parents to keep a feeling of simcha than to exhaust themselves physically and emotionally trying to maintain high housekeeping standards.

Planning Ahead

Pre-planning allows parents to be more efficient with the time that they spend on housekeeping.  There are a variety of ways to plan ahead.

Menu Planning

Either plan the week’s menus at the outset of the week or establish a fixed set of menus for each day of the week.  Create the shopping list at the beginning of each week.  A sample weekly menu schedule:  Sunday – leftovers, Monday – homemade pizza, Tuesday – ground meat, Wednesday – chicken cooked with potatoes or rice, Thursday – fish or lasagna/ziti.  Another approach to meal planning for families that want more variety is to create a long list of meals that a parent is able to cook on a weeknight.  Parents may decide to plan their menus a month ahead, choosing from the menu list to create weekly shopping lists.

Shopping Lists

Maintain a set of shopping lists in the kitchen, one for each of the stores regularly shopped: the kosher store, the big supermarket, the department store, etc.  If one stocks two of every essential item, the item is added to the list when the spare is opened.  The object is to minimize the number of shopping trips by being prepared.   In addition, it is useful to keep a shopping list on the fridge so that if kids need something for school or request specific snacks they may jot them down.

 

To-Do Lists

Keep a small short-term “to-do” notebook with a page allocated for each day and a larger notebook for longer-term planning.  The daily to-do list is more realistic if it includes estimated timings for how long each listed task should take.   It is a good idea to study the children’s school calendar(s) in order not to be surprised by early dismissals, late starts, staff training days, and the like.  Before going on an errand that is likely to involve waiting, one might pack these notebooks, along with the yeshiva calendar, and plan during the wait.

 

Foreseeable Busy Times

Certain events may be predicted in advance: Yom Tov, simchas, vacations, school starting, etc.  Parents may take the time, months in advance, to prepare count downs for crunch time and inject clarity into the chaos.  This includes preparing shopping lists, menus, and to-do lists for two weeks before, one week before, and the day before the big event.  Planning ahead should include determining how to minimize non-essential activities during these predictable extra busy times.  Certain lists, i.e. Yom Tov preparation and menus, may be kept in a notebook for re-use.

Meal Preparation

Keep meals as simple as possible; save the serious cooking for Shabbos/Yom Tov.  For example, whole wheat pitas filled with ketchup, cheese, and raw vegetables (peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes) with grapefruit or oranges for dessert is a healthy, kid-friendly, and easy meal.  Another example: purchase pizza dough (freezer section of Acme, bakery section at Shoprite) or pizza bread (Kosher Konnection), cover with mushrooms, onions, spinach and/or broccoli, pour tomato sauce, and add cheese.  Leftover Shabbos chicken may be sliced and added with vegetables to a wrap for another healthy, simple meal.

Acquire a freezer when financially feasible.  Double recipes when possible.  Meat balls, meat sauce, pureed vegetable soup (split peas, cream of zucchini), noodle casseroles all lend themselves to cooking on a large scale and freezing.   Wrap food, first in heavy duty foil and then in plastic, to maintain freshness.  Label the package with contents and date and keep a list on the freezer door of what has been frozen and when.

Begin Shabbos cooking/baking early in the week, preparing a little each day.  Meats may be kept at least a week in the refrigerator if properly wrapped.  Yom Tov preparation should begin a few weeks ahead: challah and most other baked goods freeze well.

Take advantage of sales of meat or chicken by purchasing in large quantities.  Chicken may be cleaned, cut up or divided into meal-sized portions, and frozen in plastic bags.  Meats may be cut, if necessary, and put into a marinade before freezing.  This saves time later since the meat is ready to be used as soon as it is defrosted.

Train children not to display and share their negative reactions to food served at meals.  This only prejudices others in the family against the food.

Shopping

Ordering-in groceries is a great timesaver for a nominal fee.  For some parents, it is easier to just pick up the groceries rather than have to stay home for delivery.

ShopRite’s online site allows one to create and print a ShopRite list, which is not only item- specific (the 14 oz. bottle of ketchup, not the 48 oz. one), but also organized according to the store aisles.  This makes it easier for teens or husbands to shop effectively, since they know exactly which items to buy and where to find them. The lists may be saved and labeled, e.g. “Pre Purim,” “After Pesach Stock Up,” “Summer Trip,” etc.

Shop at only one store per week, even though this will mean paying more for some items.   It may pay to vary the stores to allow stocking up on sales.

Enter the family’s most important recipes on the computer, including Pesach recipes, so they do not get lost or damaged.  Check ingredients in recipes against pantry supplies before shopping.

 

 

Laundry

Keep three hampers accessible to the entire family and teach children to put their laundry each night into the correct hamper: coloreds, whites, permanent press.

Teach children to keep track of their clothing from an early age: put into hamper, put away clean laundry, lay out clothing for the next day.

If there is no time to fold or sort laundry, have the children go through the basket one at a time to remove their own clothing.  However, this may cause problems if a child covets another’s clothes.  When children are allowed to pick through the basket day by day, the clean clothing may end up on the floor.

An alternative is to wash laundry per bedroom, including the linens.  When the laundry is dry, return it to the room for each occupant to fold, sort, and put away.  Making the bed with the same set of linens saves folding the linen.  For those who are willing to wash small laundry loads, another alternative is to give each child his/her own hamper, and wash each child’s laundry separately, so that there is no need to sort.

Sock-locks are plastic circles that hold socks together in the wash.  Children may be taught to put their dirty socks into a sock-lock so that the socks are together from feet through washing machine, dryer, and back into the sock drawer.

Write a big number (in an inconspicuous spot) in a specific color to identify siblings’ socks, underwear, shirts and pants.  A silver marker is visible on dark colors.  Girls might select a specific pattern for their socks at the beginning of the school year.  This speeds up clothing sorting immensely when there are a few siblings close in age.  If the family plans to hand down the clothes, put one dot for the oldest child and keep adding one dot each time the clothing is handed down.

Cleaning House

Keeping the entire house clean is not an option for many parents, given the multiple constraints on their time.  It is important, however, to maintain a sense of order and to keep clutter in check.  This means putting things away on a regular basis rather than letting the clutter build to overwhelming levels.  It also means accepting that cleanup will not be perfect.

Tidy with the Kids – Children should be taught to put away their belonging before they go to bed.  For younger children, it helps to make cleanup time a family activity, singing the cleanup songs while putting away the toys.

Set Food Boundaries – When eating is restricted to one or two places in the house it keeps the rest of the house much neater and reduces the likelihood of pests.

Set Playing Boundaries – Restrict playing to specific rooms so as to keep other areas tidy.

Set Priorities – If the family cannot afford cleaning help, parents should decide where to put their efforts.  Rooms that are seldom used do not need to be cleaned regularly.  If a child suffers from dust allergies, consider removing drapes rather than constantly cleaning and rehanging.

Involving the Entire Family

It is important than neither parent feel that s/he bears the entire burden of running the household. It is easier to maintain shalom bayis when expectations about chores are made explicit, rather than waiting for an emotional outburst from a parent who feels exploited.  Communication is very important; both parents need to know who is going to do what and when it will be done

Children benefit when they are given their own chores. It may require investing time and patience to train the child, and parents may have to be satisfied with less than perfection. Nonetheless, it is worth it so long as the task is child-appropriate.  The allocation of chores need not be gender-specific: boys or girls are capable of setting the table, cooking, baking, taking out the garbage, holding the baby, or cleaning the bathroom.  It is more convenient to simply follow the child’s nature and interests when deciding which job s/he should take.

Another method for allocating chores is to assign each child his/her own day to be “on call” or available for any task the parent needs. On school nights, this might include setting and cleaning up dinner.

Erev Shabbos/Yom Tov should be seen as everyone’s day to help.  Even young children may clear tables, fold towels, put away their belongings, and set the table; older children might help in the kitchen.

Miscellaneous

A daily bath is not always necessary.  If the child is clean, the bath may be skipped.  A timesaver is to install a handheld shower and allow children to give themselves a quick shower instead.

Making the beds is not a necessity, especially if family members spend little waking time in the bedroom.  A compromise is to teach children to pull sheets up to the pillow when they get up in the morning and not expect a properly made bed.

Consider using disposable dishes to save time.  Snacks, for example, might be served on the least expensive plates and using small cups.  For families on a tight budget, cups may be labeled and reused by a child.   Drawing a smiley face, the sun, or some other symbol allows pre-literate children to find their cup.   Alternatively, children might be given their own personal cup to use all day rather than constantly rewashing cups.

Sometimes, it pays to use the local eateries. The pizza stores, for example, have specials on Mondays.   In addition, Valpack coupons, which are mailed, have additional offers.

Getting Help

When interviewing for this article, we found that many mothers attributed their success to using hired help.  Even mothers who do not work outside the home found that having help eased their workload considerably and allowed them to function better as parents.

Many working women prefer to bring a babysitter in their home.  In fact, the decision to bring someone into the home for anything more than supervised cleaning is a halachic decision, to be reached only after consulting with one’s Rav.   Aside from concerns about leaving children alone with someone the parents do not know well, there are halachic challenges in areas including basic kashrus, yichud, bishul akum, basar shenisaleim, and stam yainum (non-mevushal wine).

When a family hires help, one option is to use the help to allow the parents to spend more time with the children, rather than having the help supervise the children while the mother does housework.  Parents should not leave children alone with the cleaning help even for short errands unless they have observed that the help is aware and concerned about the children’s needs, rather than focused exclusively on the housework.  The parents also need some confidence in the cleaning woman’s willingness to remain in the house even if the parent returns after their cleaning job is over.

Yom Tov with the Children

 

The Yomim Tovim present parents an opportunity to connect with their children without the pressures and distractions of school.  Yom Tov is also the parents’ time to fulfil the primary role in their children’s chinuch and connection with Yiddishkeit.  In this article, we present tips and strategies to help parents make the most of this opportunity.

This article is geared towards families with children under age fourteen.

Maintaining a Balance

“Don’t forget the children!” was the message a young interviewee wanted to convey to parents on the subject of planning Yom Tov.  However, when planning Yom Tov, parents need to juggle a variety of goals, needs, and wishes within the constraints of time, budget, and energy.  While we want our children to enjoy and benefit from Yom Tov to the maximum, it is neither feasible nor wholesome for children to see themselves as the center of their parents’ universe.

A general approach is to give higher priority to the needs of struggling children, and lower priority to the preferences of children who seem well-adjusted.  When making a decision that runs counter to a child’s desires or needs, it is kinder to acknowledge this to the child rather than letting him/her feel forgotten.  If the decision is truly hard for the child to live with, parents may decide, based on circumstances, to offer some kind of “compensation” such as an extra treat or favor during or after Yom Tov.

Decisions…

When making choices for Yom Tov, parents should keep in mind the medium and long term effects of decisions they made the previous year.  For example, children who were off schedule may have been wild over Yom Tov, but perhaps this is overshadowed by the pleasant memories of a great experience.  On the other hand, an overly turbulent Yom Tov may build up long-term resentment against family members or Yom Tov in general.

Parents may also want to keep in mind that each family is unique, and, therefore, decisions are best made based on their family’s needs and experiences rather than on societal expectations.  In particular, children vary greatly in their tolerance for sleep deprivation or over-stimulating environments.

Consult the Children

It is easier for parents to make optimal decisions when they have all the relevant information.  It is worth asking each child his/her preferences in areas such as Yom Tov activities, foods, company, and schedule.  There may be surprises.

Staying Home vs. Going Away for Yom Tov

A Yom Tov spent with friends or relatives is usually a richer experience for the children.  They have more people to interact with and they may grow through being taken out of their normal environment.  Parents may enjoy reconnecting with their friends or family members.  They may also find it easier to move the family than to prepare an entire Yom Tov.

 

On the other hand, it is hard on some children to be away from home, especially on a three-day Yom Tov.  It is often impossible for children to adhere to their normal schedule, sleeping accommodations are often makeshift, and the food may be unfamiliar.  In addition, sensitive children may be overwhelmed at being surrounded by strangers and a more chaotic environment.

Maintaining Bedtimes vs. Staying up for Meals

Night meals on Yom Tov often take place way after children’s bedtimes.  One option is to encourage children to nap during the day and let them stay up as long as they wish for the night-time seuda.  Participating in the night meals enriches the Yom Tov experience for the children and prevents resentment at being excluded.

The other approach is for the parents to spend quality time with their younger children on Yom Tov afternoon, serve them a nice supper, and put them to bed at their regular bedtime.  Aside from allowing younger children to keep up with their sleep, this option permits parents to focus on their older children, their guests, or each other during the late meals.

Hosting Guests?

In addition to the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim, including guests at the meals adds to the Yom Tov ambience.   Guests are often fun for the children.  It is often a good idea, however, to include at least one meal for just the family to strengthen the family’s sense of achdus and to make sure that every child gets attention.

Eating Out?

The natural impulse is to accept invitations to Yom Tov meals.  However, if parents find that their children often react negatively to dining out, it may be better to decline until the children grow out of their anti-social phase.  If the problem seems to be food-related, parents might ask the host if they could bring a favorite side dish in order to satisfy the children.

Advance Preparations

Suitable Entertainment

Providing the children with toys, games, and reading material enhances Yom Tov for parents and children.  The many Torah-themed versions of popular board games give an extra educational twist and reinforce the Yom Tov atmosphere.  Jewish books are available at our local Judaic library; purchasing second hand books may be another option for tight budgets.  A nice way to freshen the children’s reading material is to purchase back issues of the children’s favorite Torah magazines.

Coordinate with Friends

Compatible playdates make the time fly.  It is wise to coordinate in advance with the parents of the children’s friends to find out who will be home for Yom Tov and to schedule playdates, since telephoning is not an option on Yom Tov.  There is more flexibility if one opts for friends who are geographically closer.  Inviting families with compatible children for meals is another way to help the children socialize on Yom Tov.

Spending Time with the Children

Taking a Yom Tov walk with one or more children provides everyone with much-needed exercise, fresh air, and undistracted attention, even when the weather is not ideal.  Younger children enjoy spending hours at the park; however, parents should make sure that the children drink and snack to avoid meltdowns.

Learning with a child adds a spiritual element to oneg Yom Tov.  However, the learning should be geared to the child’s skill level, attention span, and interest.  It may be advantageous in the long run to read Chassidic tales or other inspiration material with a child who is unhappy at school.

Children and Shul

It is probably better for all parties concerned: the mother, the children, and the tzibbur, when the mother gives up on davening in shul until her youngest children are able to daven independently at shul.  However, going to meet the father at the end of shul provides the children with an outing, the option of hearing some of the davening, and a chance to show off their Yom Tov outfits.  A meaningful compromise may be to catch birkas cohanim, since some children enjoy this experience.  Another possibility is to attend a shul which offers babysitting and/or youth programming.

Sending children to shul before they are capable of davening inside the entire time often means having the children hang out, unsupervised, for hours.  This may lead to bullying or to dangerous activities.

Conclusion

The Yomim Tovim are a wonderful time but can be stressful.  When parents keep their children’s needs in mind, they may help everyone maximize their simchas Yom Tov, creating great memories and fostering spiritual growth for the entire family.

Children and Technology

 

 

Electronic technology has become part of our lives and a presence in our children’s world.  Computers, smart phones, electronic toys, email, social media, and a myriad of apps: families need to decide which technologies belong in their homes and how they should be used.   The purpose of this article is to provide parents with a framework to help them work out their approach to the challenge that screen-based technology poses to their children’s chinuch.  While we do not espouse any specific hashkafa in reference to the use of electronic entertainment or internet technology, we recommend that parents seek Rabbinic guidance to help them make decisions in this area.

This material is based on interviews with parents, children, mechanchim, and the staff of TAG (Technology Awareness Group).

TAG (Technology Awareness Group)

In this article, we mention TAG as a resource for parents.  TAG is a volunteer organization under the direction of Rav Matisyahu Salomon shlita, with 29 global offices.  Its mission is to help people understand and deal with the challenges raised by their use of digital technology and to help implement proper safeguards (primarily filters) for their use of digital devices.  TAG sees itself as a resource to give people the various options, trade-offs, etc., among various filters, apps and device brands. It is up to the individual to decide the level of filtering; TAG does not impose a particular hashkafa.

Decide on a Family Policy

In order for parents to raise their children according to their own values, they need to determine the fit of their values and the products of today’s technology: the games, the communication and the social media. They may find it useful to consult the family Rav, mechanchim at their children’s Yeshiva, relatives, and friends for information and  to help formulate a set of policies that’s right for them. This policy should be concrete enough that children know which devices and applications they are allowed to use, such as texting, social media, games, etc.

Once the parents have formulated a family policy, they need to educate their children about their policy, explaining what limits they wish to impose, and why.  Policy may need to change over time as technology and family circumstances change.  In addition, parents will need to fine tune their policies based on their children’s needs and personalities.  All this should be explained regularly to the children.

Stay Educated

It is harder for children to respect their parents’ decisions if they feel that their parents are out-of-touch with the realities of their world.  Given how quickly technology and trends change, parents will need to stay up to date by paying attention to what their children talk about and researching what they hear, attending lectures, and discussing the latest parenting challenges with other parents.

Delaying the Introduction of the Technology

Rabbonim and mechanchim advise postponing giving children high-tech entertainment for a variety of reasons, including potential for addiction and the danger of risky internet behavior. While much depends on a child’s personality, in general, minimizing children’s exposure to devices such as smart phones or tablets is helpful.

Children may be introduced to electronic toys on playdates or at family gatherings.  Parents may need to state in advance their electronic media policy to friends and the extended family.  Close relatives also need to understand the parents’ policy; otherwise, they may give the children iPads, Nintendos, or smartphones as presents when parents do not want their children to use them.

Providing alternative sources of entertainment may be helpful in minimizing children’s desire for electronic entertainment.  Parents may take the initiative by organizing group playdates around sports activities and board games.  Some games that are popular now include chess, checkers, Perpetual Commotion, Quoridor, Settlers of Catan, Blokus, Bananagram, RubiCub, Kugelach, Connect 4, Backgammon, and Risk.  Parents may need to jumpstart interest in games and sports by playing with the children.  Keeping the children supplied with entertaining books may also be helpful.

Before Getting the Device/Technology

Children often start asking for electronic toys such as a Nintendo DS or an Xbox in elementary school, with the age varying according to their exposure and their interests.  Older children often request iPods, smartphones, or their own email account.  The safest policy is for parents to postpone making a decision until they research the questions that we outline below.  Children might pressure parents to buy immediately in order to take advantage of a sale; however, parents may respond that their children’s wellbeing is more important to them than the money they may save.

Are there hazards?

Does the game depict violence?  How do women appear?  Do ads appear during gameplay? Does the sports game include cheerleading segments?   Is the game downloaded or upgraded from the internet?  A problem with downloading software from the internet is that the software often includes pop up advertisements or ads on the bottom of the screen, since this is one way that developers of free games make their money. These advertisements, which may show up later when the game is played offline, may display images incompatible with the family’s values.

Parents should also find out in advance whether the game/app requires internet access or benefits from internet access.  Most multi-player games require internet access.  These games often allow players to communicate with each other, such that one’s child may begin exchanging messages with a stranger.

Parents also need to know what follows in practice when a child or family acquires the technology.   Speaking to parents whose children already have the device is a good way to learn about unexpected side effects.   The TAG office or experienced mechanchim are also important sources of information, since they are in contact with many parents.

Parents may find out, for example, that the game or app may be innocuous, but the device may allow internet access.  Supervision might not be available 100% of the time. In addition, families find it extremely difficult to enforce usage limits, especially at night.  It is a good idea to speak with a few people, because children vary in their interest in exploring technology, and parents vary in how aware they are of their children’s activities.

If the research seems to indicate that the game is not harmful, parents might try playing the game (or watching others playing it) in order to gain the perspective of a “hands-on” experience.

Can the device/technology be filtered or monitored?

Hardware (iPods, PSPs, Nintendos, smartphones, etc.) and software (games, apps) vary in how effectively they can be protected from the hazards of the internet.  TAG advises the community to contact them before purchasing.  Many mobile devices do not allow filtering.  Filters, too, vary in effectiveness and in the level of control they provide.  Parents may “google” the name of the device followed by “parental control bypass” to see the effectiveness of the control. Parents may also wish to find out how much password protection the device or the software allows, and whether there are ways to monitor its use.  For example, some applications (apps) have an option to send notifications to an email address each time certain features are accessed.

How will it be used?

Parents should find out which games the child wishes to play and how s/he plans to fit game playing in his/her schedule.  How will they prevent the child from spending all day or staying up all hours with the device?   Can different profiles be given different settings so that siblings are given content appropriate for their age?   How will games be obtained?  Some games are only available through app stores.  If the device/game requires internet access, how will this be obtained?

What are the Child’s Needs

“One size fits all” does not work well for chinuch.  A relevant question may be, “What is the alternative?”  If the child is likely to be able and willing to acquire the device on his/her own without consulting the parents, it is better for the parents to offer it preemptively so that they can bring the technology on their own terms and exert some level of monitoring or control.

It is a good idea to consult the family Rav and/or someone experienced to help decide these subjective situations.  Where the child does not follow parental rules, it is advisable to seek guidance from outside professional help also.

After Acquiring the Device

The parents should be the first ones to open the box, to install the software, or to set up the account.  They need to be the ones to create the passwords and determine the settings.  In addition, the device may be pre-loaded with undesirable content (movies, games, or apps) which they will want to remove.

They may bring the device to the TAG office, to a friend, or to a professional to have it set up according to their values.  This is the time to have filtering and monitoring software installed, and to learn how to use it.   Note: It is often a good idea to consult with TAG even if the parents are technologically savvy, since the parents may not be up to date on parental control options.

If the child sets up the device first, parents should not give up.  If they bring it to the TAG office, the staff should be able to reset the device and set up parental controls.

Monitoring Use

Parents should be in constant discussion with children about how they use the device or the communication technology.  Should parents feel the necessity to monitor on a closer level, they would explain why and how they would monitor.  Parents could decide with children to periodically bring the device to a neutral third party, such as a TAG office to make sure that filters are still working properly.  An alternative approach is to acquire the device as “family property” available for use by siblings and parents.  This makes it less likely that any of the children will load inappropriate content and allows parents to monitor it without seeming to spy.

Guard Your Own Phone

Parents should keep in mind that their own smartphones may be their children’s primary exposure to inappropriate content and apps.  If they feel the need to give children their phones, they must make sure to password protect access to the internet and to close the app store.  If there is any doubt about what children may have done with a parent’s device, there is always the option to bring it to TAG.

Conclusion

Children are able to sense how much parents truly value something by seeing how much time and effort parents invest in it.  The most convincing way for parents to demonstrate the depth of their commitment to their children’s chinuch and wellbeing is to take the time to learn about and keep up with the technology in the children’s world and to enforce the policies that they determine appropriate for each child.

 

What Should the Kids Read?

 

Recreational reading is an important and beloved part of childhood.  In this article, based on interviews with local parents and mechachim, we explore some issues related to children and reading.

Benefits and Drawbacks of Recreational Reading

There are many benefits associated with reading extensively.  For beginners, the only way to become a fluent reader is to practice reading.  This is also the most effective way to build vocabulary.  Reading enhances essential communication skills, especially writing.  Avid readers are often successful students.

Additionally, reading teaching children to understand and appreciate people from other cultures or who face different challenges.  This may help children be more tolerant and empathetic to those who are different.

Not least, reading provides many children with hours of enjoyment in the safe environment of their home.  As with any activity, when taken to extremes, excessive reading may also lead to problems.  A child who is absorbed in a book may neglect important activities, such as homework, sleep, chores, and exercise.   Children who are very avid readers may need to be encouraged to take a break

Another potential obstacle with recreational reading is that children may absorb unwholesome facts and attitudes from books.  This is why parents and mechanchim view unrestricted reading with concern.

Why Restrict Reading Material?

Material that we read makes an impression on us.  Ideas pop up unbidden and cannot be excised.  Parents sacrifice much in order to raise their children to stay within their values, paying for Yeshiva tuition and expensive housing in order to be in the “right” environment.

Moreover, the values of society at large have become increasingly at odds with the values of our community.  Parents who were brought up with unrestricted reading might find it useful to spend a little time in the children’s section of the local library to better understand the need for filtering.  Children’s books written after 1980 are more likely to include problematic content.

In addition, our community has become more sensitive to content at variance with our hashkafa.  It is not uncommon for adults to re-read books that they enjoyed as children and wonder why they were allowed to read them.  Inappropriate content is likely to make more of an impression on today’s children, who are often raised in a more sheltered environment than their parents were.

The Limits of Restriction

Parents should be aware that restricting the children’s reading merely allows parents to postpone their children’s exposure.  As they become older and more independent, children are able to obtain “forbidden fruit” if they want it.  In addition, older children possibly will encounter the situations, language, and practices that their parents have been trying to filter from their reading.

Therefore, filtering should be accompanied by education and communication.  As they mature, children need to learn their parents’ perspectives about some of the less pleasant aspects of life.  Parents may need to get advice from their own mentors in order to learn how to present the information.

Moreover, parents cannot forever prescreen their children’s reading.  Some reading restrictions should never disappear, since not everything is appropriate even for adults.  On the other hand, children will grow into adults who need to deal with all kinds of unpalatable truths and situations.  Part of the parents’ mission is to help children develop the ability to deal with the variety of situations that life brings them while filtering out what they need not or should not expose themselves to.

Setting the Family’s Reading Policy

It is useful to consult with the family Rav and/or mentors before making decisions about how open or restrictive to be with the children’s reading.

A family’s reading policy will work better if it meshes with the family’s hashkafa and the parents’ own interests and pursuits.  Otherwise, children perceive inconsistency.  Where parents themselves are more open to the outside world, it probably makes sense to permit a wider range of literature.  For a more Yeshivish family, whose children are comfortable living the more sheltered kollel-type lifestyle, a policy of exclusively Judaic literature may fit.  If the parents do not want their children to read a book or a magazine, they should not leave it around even if the material is appropriate for adults.

The family’s social context also makes a difference.  If the children’s friends and classmates are all reading and discussing a popular series, it imposes a heavy burden to prohibit one’s children from reading those books.  If they are stricter or more lenient than other families in the area, parents should make sure to explain why to their children.

It is better for children to be permitted to read a wider range of books if the alternative may be that they seek less wholesome entertainment, such as some movies or unrestricted internet.

Families should be careful about not undermining each other’s reading policies.  This means not lending books to each other or allowing reading during play dates without parental consent. It is preferable for children not to bring books to school unless the book is on the Yeshiva’s white list.

What Some Parents Are Filtering

Parents have different sensitivities and priorities about what they do not want their children to be exposed to. Most parents prefer to filter male/female content.  Depending on their hashkafa and on their taste, parents have been known to use any of the following criteria to exclude books:

  • Content about other religions
  • Beliefs that contradict Torah hashkafa (Paganism or apikorsus)
  • Inappropriate language
  • Bad middos depicted favorably: disrespect to parents and authority, chutzpah, rebelliousness
  • Glorification of role models who behave inappropriately
  • Violence, cruelty, vulgarity
  • Unhappy family situations
  • Depiction of activities inconsistent with parents’ hashkafa.

Parents should be aware that Jewish reading material should also be checked, as some may contain some of the issues listed above.  Jewish magazines may have articles that explore realities of contemporary life that parents might not want their children to learn about prematurely.

Parents should be aware that while some books in a series may be OK, others in the same series may be objectionable.

Non-fiction books, especially science and current events, may also be problematic for some, since they often present conflicting hashkafa and/or images that parents may not want in their home.

As children mature, parents may wish to find ways to gradually introduce some of this material so that children may learn about science, current events and politics and develop into informed citizens.  Otherwise, working in a non-Orthodox environment or interacting with people from other communities might be problematic.  Moreover, some parents may feel that the traditional values beautifully portrayed in some of the older children’s classics may be worthwhile for their children to experience, even if there are passages to which some may object.  It may be useful for parents to discuss these issues explicitly with their children, so that the children understand what they should and what they should not absorb from such books.

Filtering Techniques

It is much easier to enforce policy on reading material when children are not brought to the library or to bookstores.  It is also a good idea to explain parental policy to grandparents and anyone else who might purchase books for the children.

One filtering technique is to borrow or acquire books from a “white list” of pre-screened material.  Some Yeshivas have compiled such lists and may be willing to share them with parents.

Another option is for parents to screen the books themselves by reading or skimming the entire book.  A short cut is to begin by rejecting any book where the two main characters are a boy and a girl (unless they are siblings) and to read the last paragraph of the middle chapters. This might not catch all problems. Pictures should also be examined, since they are more powerful than words.

Staying in Tune with Your Children

Whether parents believe in stricter or looser control of their children’s reading, parents should try to read or at least skim through their children’s books.  Doing this helps parents enter their children’s world and examine issues that their children face.  Discussing books with the children is a nice way to facilitate open communication.  It’s also a great springboard for sharing and imparting parental values that will hopefully stay with the children for life.  A strong and open parent/child relationship makes it much easier for parents to convey their values and for children to internalize them.

Girls and Davening

 

Teaching Our Daughters to Daven–Tips for fostering sincere prayer

Whereas men have the obligation to daven three times a day, preferably with a minyan, a woman’s obligation is less defined and less structured.  Nevertheless, we want our daughters to include prayer as an important part of their lives, and we want their prayers to come from the heart.  Inculcating these values is a subtle process.  Moreover, every child is unique and one method may work for one child but not another.

Encourage, Don’t Force

A consistent message emerged from the mechanchos and experienced parents whom we interviewed regarding girls davening.  It is preferable that girls not be told what to daven or how long to daven.  Ideally, girls will remember to daven on their own or when they see their mother daven.  Depending on the daughter and her relationship with her parents, the parents may gently remind and encourage a younger girl to daven.  Around Bas Mitzva age, it may be better to stop reminding the girl.

Parents who would like their daughter to daven a minimal subset of the standard davening at any age may consult with their own Rav to determine this minimum. Parents should seek guidance if issues or differences of opinion arise.

The issue typically arises on mornings when girls do not have school.  While mother might expect her daughter to daven the full school davening, this is more than many girls are able and willing to do on their own.  Yeshiva staff find it difficult to keep their girls davening nicely, even as a group singing together and with incentive programs.  Pressuring one’s daughter to daven more than she wishes may cause the girl to resent prayer or to pray without sincerity.

One strategy is to tell the daughter that she decides how much and which part of the davening to pray, but that she should do her very best with that davening.  This way, the child feels that she “owns” her prayer time.  It is best for parents not to check on their daughter’s davening—the girl should see prayer as something private between her and her Creator.

A quote from a distinguished educator summarizes this attitude:

“The main point – the ikkar – is that davening is a privilege; not an onerous duty. We’re not doing Hashem a favor when we daven; we’re doing ourselves a favor.”

Promoting Prayer

While coercion might be counter-productive in the long term, there are strategies that parents may adopt to encourage their children to daven.

Preschoolers

Mother can set a good foundation by singing the davening together with pre-schoolers.  It is nice to coordinate with their playgroup Morah; this reinforces at home what the child is absorbing during the week.

Build Davening into the Routine

For days when school is not in session, it is helpful to build davening into the framework of the day.  One mother used to provide a specific “davening treat” that her little children could take as soon as they finished davening.

Encourage Participation in School Incentive Programs

Morahs usually send checklists of desired activities, including davening times, with their students each weekend and before Yom Tov, especially for the younger grades.  These incentive programs are more effective when parents remind their daughters, fill out check boxes, and make sure the forms return to school.

Get the “Right” Siddur

While providing their daughter with the same siddur they use in school works best for younger girls, older girls may appreciate choosing their own siddur.   Parents might bring their daughter to a Judaica store to help her select the siddur that meets her needs, i.e. with English on her level.  English instructions may be useful to a girl who has trouble following the service in Shul.

Model Prayer

Make sure that children see their mother davening and observe how mother takes it seriously.  On the other hand, mother should make sure that her davening does not impose an undue burden on the household by davening at length during a chaotic situation.

Bring Hashem into Daily Life

When parents speak in terms of everything coming from Hashem, they make it clear that cultivating a relationship with Hashem is worthwhile.  This includes expressing one’s prayer for good outcome of one’s efforts and a heartfelt appreciation when plans run smoothly.

Shabbos Morning: Shul vs. Home

How important is it for girls to attend Shul on Shabbos morning?  Parents and mechanchos feel that girls should not be forced to attend shul. Girls may benefit from attending shul on Shabbos; however, it is not always in the girl’s best interest.

Helping Mother

By the end of the week, mother may need a rest.  Shabbos morning in some families is particularly challenging since younger children do not have school.  It may be a higher priority for daughters to stay home and help.  On the other hand, mother may choose to send her daughter to shul if she feels that her daughter is gaining much from the experience, even if this involves some sacrifice on the mother’s part.

Enjoying Shabbos/Down time

Parents should try to make Shabbos as enjoyable as possible for their children.  Many girls, especially teens, feel pressured during the week, from school work, homework, chessed activities, and helping at home.    While taking into account time needed for davening at home and helping as necessary, girls should know that they will have available some down time to sleep late or to relax.

Supervision

Many mothers cannot attend shul with their older daughters because of the needs of the younger children.  Before sending a girl alone to shul, parents should think carefully about what their daughter will actually do in shul.  Younger girls may not be ready to daven through the entire Shabbos morning service.  Often, they do not know the procedure: what to do and when.  Unless there is someone to guide them, girls might to daven a little and then talk or play.  In general, shul attendance is not spiritually productive when children are not ready; moreover, it may encourage bad habits.

Note: A child who goes to shul is not supervised unless s/he is sitting next to father or mother (or a surrogate) the entire time or is attending a youth program.  Lack of supervision may lead children into dangerous situations, including bullying, and it may cause disruption to the davening of others.

The Quality of the Shul Experience

Tefila B’tzibbur is intrinsically inspiring; kaddish, kedusha, and leining are only experienced with a minyan.  Girls who go to shul may be inspired by observing the intensity with which the women daven.  Some find it easier to appreciate davening when they hear it conducted by a ba’al tefilla.  The spiritual benefit that girls derive from shul attendance depends much on the spiritual level of the shul.  If they see a lack of seriousness in their fellow attendees, they might not benefit.

Yomim Noraim and Shul

Many mothers attend shul over the Yomim Noraim, often bringing children with them so that they too may share in the spirit of the day.  It is important to know each child’s limit and to respect it.  Children find it helpful if they are allowed to bring books to shul and are permitted to go home for breaks (with supervision, as needed).

Conclusion

It is important to allow children to develop spiritually at their own pace in a healthy environment.  It may take some patience on the parents’ part, but this approach is more likely to result in the child gaining a deep and sincere attachment to Torah and tefilla.